The Twilight Zone


Ronan. Can you give me a reason to get out of bed today? Because I cannot find one. I’m still waiting for you to come and wake me up and tell me to make your extra cheesy eggies. I’m still waiting for you to ask me to put on “Mickey Mouse,” for you and sit on the couch and watch it with you. I’m still waiting and until you come back, I don’t know how I am going to function. The truth is, I don’t want to function and I don’t want life to go on. Life for me has completely stopped and that is apparent in the way that each day and night without you drags on and on and on. I’m trying to be productive. I really am, but it’s torture. Last night, I tried my best to be a really good mom to your brothers. They are so sad that the amount of energy I have to pour into being around them and making them happy is exhausting. I will forever be working extra hard to fill your void. That is a lot of work for a mommy. I never realized how much of a helper you were to me with your brothers. You filled them with all the happiness in the world and now that you are gone, I have to try to fill your shoes. It is not an easy job. They had Luca stay the night and Tricia and Macy came over. We piled in the car and took the 3 boys for Fo Yo. The boys giggled the entire way there. You would have loved it. All 3 of them sat in the very back, Macy sat in the seat in front of them and Tricia sat by me in the passenger side of the car. Your seat was empty. I saved it for you. Macy, Tricia and I wore our Spirit Hoods out last night just for you. It was silly fun and I needed the laughs. I can always count on those when your Auntie Macy is around.

I sat outside with those two girls and we cuddled on the couch and talked about you. I showed them the video of you on my phone from San Francisco when you were at the airport and you were yelling “Bye Macy!” to her. She hadn’t seen it yet. We cried. I showed them the last picture I took of us on Mother’s Day. You didn’t even look like yourself baby. Your daddy asked me to delete it but I’m not going to. I’ll keep it forever even though that s not the way I want to remember you. I know it won’t be, but I still need to keep that picture.

Ro~ I have no idea when I started that post above. All I know is it’s now a Saturday night. And the only way I know that is because tomorrow is the day that I am hoping really will not come. Tomorrow, is the day that I think your obituary comes out in the paper and I think it’s the day we have your services. I don’t know how I am going to survive tomorrow. I’ve already asked Fernanda to find my twin in life, so I don’t have to go. She told me that you would not like that; that you would know it wasn’t me there. I disagree. I think you would like it because you always liked how we used to break the rules together. It was one of our favorite things in the world.

I still cannot believe you are gone. I wonder if I will ever believe it.  This has got to be an episode of “The Twilight Zone.” Everything that goes on in our new world without you doesn’t make any sense at all. I’ am so mad. The one thing about all of this that nobody tells you about losing a child is how slowly time passes afterwords. I swear I don’t know how I’m going to get through life if it continues to be this way. It is so slow that it is painful. I hid in my bed almost the entire day today. I know it’s not how you would want me to be, but I cannot help it. I care about nothing. This is such an awful thing to say, but I don’t even want to be a mom anymore.  And that is my most favorite thing in the world. Everything takes so much energy now. Trying to fill the void that you have left behind is impossible but I have to continue to try to fill it for your brothers sake. Especially Quinn’s. He is wandering around like a lost little puppy. It makes me so sad, and I am trying my hardest to shower him with anything I have left; but it is not much and I know he feels it. He is stuck to me like glue. You would think this would satisfy me and fill me up, to feel all of the love he has for me. It doesn’t. I feel like I am in the bottom of a hole in the ground, looking up at the bright sky and trying to climb my way up and out of the hole. I feel like I’m going to suffocate 24 hours a day. I feel like this is never going to get any better.

All I want to do is sleep because at least in my sleep I get to see you. Even though the dreams I have of you are not happy dreams yet. I mostly dream about you dying. I wonder if this is part of the process. There has to be some psychology behind this. I hope to someday have sweet dreams about you. I miss you, Ro. I miss you every second of everyday. I would give anything to kiss your little lips again. To hold your little hand and look into your big blue eyes.

Your daddy asks me all the time if I need anything. You know what my response is? “Ronan.” I can’t help it. Your name just slips out of my mouth without me even thinking about it. I know he wants you just as badly. He hurts too. But even he admitted to me today that he knows that he doesn’t hurt as much as I do. He gets the whole mother and son thing. He is such an amazing man, that daddy of yours. I am trying to be strong for him and he keeps telling me what a great job I am doing, but I know I am not. But he tells me this anyway. He tells me this as he lets me sleep the day away and takes care of the house, the errands, the chores, your brothers, and his work. I am pretty much useless right now. I hope someday I can make this up to him. I hope someday I can go back to being a productive person of society. I’m not even existing. I’m barley breathing.

I don’t want tomorrow to come. I’m expecting it to be like an out-of-body experience. I told Tricia tonight just to physically get me to your service tomorrow is going to be an ordeal. I have a vision of running away and never coming back. I couldn’t do that to you though. I have to keep my head on somewhat straight for your brothers too. I refuse to fuck up their lives. I have to keep reminding myself that there are other people involved in all of this. I have to keep reminding myself not to be selfish but that is all I really want. Is to be selfish about losing you and to pretend like I am the only one hurting. I know that’s not the case. The sadness that exudes from the others around me is very apparent. It is so very hard for me to see as I only want to make everyone feel better and comfort those around me.

Tonight, my besties from high school all came in. I had them over to our house. Everyone was so sad and I was having such a hard time as I don’t know what else to do with everyone else’s sadness. So what did I do, you may ask? I know you saw me and watched us. I insisted that your daddy hook up Rock Band so we could play it. Otherwise, I’m sure we all would have wound up in my bed crying like babies and that was something I could not handle. Rock Band was a great distraction and I even broke out all of our wigs that we used to wear for it. There were some laughs and your crazy Aunt Macy is an amazing singer! She stole the show. Quinn played the guitar and kept getting amazing scores of 97%. He was so cute. Liam attempted the drums, but was soon not so into it so he ran off to play something else. All of the girls left to go back to their hotel and I will see them tomorrow. I’m so happy they are here, but so sad it is for this reason.

As we speak, Macy, Tricia, your Daddy, Uncle Jay, and Kenny are out in the livingroom playing Rock Band, again. I am snuggled in bed with Quinn and Liam is sleeping with Papa Jim. Nana is in your room, (a.k.a. the hot lava room). I’m tired tonight but restless as well. I wonder what you are doing wherever you are. I sit and think crazy things about how you watch me and are just trying to get back to me. Is it torture up there for you too because all you want is to be back with me?? This all seems like a fucking lose lose situation to me. How could you be happy like I want you to be when we are apart?? Nobody knows the answers so I have no choice but to try to figure them out myself. I’m just going to let you be my little guide. I promised you I’d never let go of your hand and you know I don’t break my promises.

I’m getting sleepy now. If you visit me tonight, in my dreams….. please no more scary ones like I’ve been having. Let’s take a trip to the beach together or something else. I don’t want to see you dead in a stroller in my bathroom. But you know what, if that’s the only way I get to see you, I’ll take it. It’s better than not seeing you at all. I love you, Ronan. To the moon and back forever and ever. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

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65 thoughts on “The Twilight Zone

  1. RONANS FAN

    Maya i cant begin to imagine ur pain, ur anger, as ive never been in ur shoes.
    Today i thought so much about u wondering what u were doing, how ur doing. Im so worried
    For u and so broken hearted, i just pray everyday gets easier shorter, until its back to somewhat normal. (as if it will ever feel normal) but i know theresa light at the end of this dark tunnel, i just ask that a higher power to be with u tomorrow thru this painful, so unfairday.
    May u find comfort in all who surrounds u! May u see sweet Ronan in ur dreams tonight in a different light. I pray he comes to u to give u comfort! Goodnite Maya! Forever thinking of u and ur family’

  2. angela

    I just read your update. I’m just so so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. I haven’t written you a few times and tell everyone abiut your story and little ronan. Just absolutly breaks my heart. Be gentle with yourself tomorrow and no ronan will be so proud. Bless you and beautiful boy and family. Angela

  3. Marcia

    Maya, if I could take away your pain and bring you back from that deep, dark well you are in, believe me I would. So instead of trying to comfort you with words that will just piss you off, I will continue to pray that you and your family get through this horrible time with as much grace as you can muster. Love and prayers for you, your family and Ronan.

  4. Jennee

    Bless you Maya! Thank you for continuing on with your blog. You have taught so many people to love like never before. Losing my brother to cancer, I can tell you the pain lessens but never goes away. It does take a long time. Having a 3 year old son myself, I understand the undeniable bond you and Ro had. I cry for you wishing I could take your pain away. No mother should ever have to go through what you are. It makes me sick to my stomach!! I found the cutest Paul Frank snuggle blanket and planned to mail it to Bethany to give Ronan but got so caught up on what perfect things I could say in the card to you and him it never got mailed. I wept seeing it on his birthday…kicking myself for never mailing it. He would have been so cute and snuggly in it. I hope to meet you someday and give you a big hug and tell you what an amazing mom you are! You have every right to grieve, and it will happen soon. It doesn’t make you a bad mom by not wanting to go or do. Continue to lean on those that provide you great strength as you will need it. I know tomorrow will be so hard for all attending Ro’s service, but know it will be the best service possible because he was and is so loved. Ronan is my hero and will live on in my heart forever!

  5. Allison

    Oh Maya, my heart breaks every time I read your blog entries. So unfair, all of this. I don’t want to ply you with any platitudes. I just want to let you know that I think about you and Ronan every day and I grieve for you and for what you have lost.

  6. Christine

    You don’t know me, but I think of you all the time, and “check” on you daily. I heard “Broken” by Lifehouse today, and immediately thought of you. I’ve started a new tradition with my 16 mo where we go outside and blow bubbles, and I tell him about Ronan and how we are blowing bubbles for him. It means nothing in the face of your grief, but please know that there are people out here who are thinking of you and keeping Ronan alive in what little ways we can.

  7. Children know!

    Maya, your love you feel for Ronan is unbreakable, immeasurable, so beyond words that it literally takes your breath away. That is the bond we form as mothers. No one can feel your heartache as you do. My children and I have focused on evening prayers for your family. After showing pictures to them my 6 yr old daughter who is curios said a few things, the first being ‘ awe he is cute mommy ‘ and the second, ‘mom don’t be sad he’s still with his mommy she just can’t see him but he’s ok.’ I believe her! She said so sweet and matter of factly that sometimes I believe children just know! We will be releasing balloons tomorrow in Ronans honor…thanks for sharing with us!-

  8. Jeff

    Balloon release at butler park Sunday 7pm. Be there at 630pm. Balloons avail at Albertsons 19th and Northern. Get them early so they can be sent “to the moon and back”.

  9. Laura in El Paso

    Im thinking about you girl. If I could help pull you out of the hole, I would. We all would. And my heart aches over this totally fucked up situation. I Just wanted you to know. My thoughts will be on you, your baby, and your family tomorrow. See you on the other side. ❤ ❤ ❤

  10. Cory

    Having a person you loved ripped out of your life–it felt like I was in the middle of a black hole-you know, what happens to a star when it dies?? Where gravity crushes everything down to a pinpoint and there is no air and not even light can escape. Just a big yawning void that could eat my whole life, the world, the universe, and still it would be empty and hungry and cold. Over time-for me at least-the black hole doesnt go away. But you find a place in your soul somewhere where it can live. And you learn to breathe around it. Im not sure why I wanted to tell you this… Maybe because, while it sounds like you have the best possible people on earth and a wonderful support system around you, you are still alone in your head and in your heart. But I think maybe even in the darkest, ugliest, most brutal places in your journey, the places where you wouldnt want to bring the people you love, I think I keep reading this blog and keeping you in my thoughts because I dont want you to be alone in those places either. I know this is all philosophical and metaphorical, but I hope it makes sense in some way…

  11. Amanda

    Mama Maya I have been thinking about you and Ronan so much, I was praying to my brother tonight, I lost him when he was 3 and I have been asking him to play with Ronan baby It makes my heart sing. My heart is so broken for you and your family it has brought me to tears for days now, I have been sending all of my love with everything that I am, my heart and soul, all of my positive energy to all of you. I haven’t met any of you in person but I feel like you are part of my family and I can’t possibly imagine what you are feeling right now, just know that you have all the love in the world behind you and Ronan has inspired so many people, touched so many hearts. Sweet dreams Maya, I wish you the happiest dreams in the world, good night Thompson family, I love you all ❤

  12. Sandra Foutz

    Wishing you all strength and love today. Mia, Charlie and I have our balloons ready to go. I told the kids they were to celebrate Ronan( I can’t tell Mia the truth ). I told them we would release them in the sky for Ronan. And Mia asked “why, because he isn’t sickie anymore?” So I just answered, “right, he isn’t sickie anymore.”

    Projecting all the bravery I can to Ronan’s tribe today.
    XOXO

  13. Lindsay

    I wish I could take away your pain. Your words make me sob, but in spite of my tears I can hear the strength you have. I know you will not lose it, I have to much faith in you mama maya. I share your story with everyone I know and I beg you to continue Ronan’s story. I will think of you and Ronan and your whole family today.

  14. KT

    RONANS FAN, that was beautifully written.

    I have thought about you non stop. I am at
    a loss of words most of the time, so I don’t even
    know what to write. I will tell you that 10 of us
    tonight at 7:15 are going to go to the highest
    mountain we can find, and let 10 bright purple
    star balloons go for Ronan. I am going to attach
    a note with Ronan’s website on them. I hope someone
    will find one and touch their lives the way you
    have touched ours. You will be in my thoughts
    all day today!!!!! Love to you and your whole
    family.
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  15. LS

    Beautiful Maya… I am so worried for you right now as you are in a terrible place and sound so desperate. If you died now and joined Ronan in the afterlife you would only look down in despair at the devastation of Liam and Quinn. Keep strong darling and lean on those who love you and those who need you because you are needed here right now by your twins. It must be murder for you but never give in to it. Ronan knows you fought tooth and nail for him and now it’s time to fight tooth and nail for yourself and your boys. It’s so unfair and maddening and you must be so sick of fighting but it will be worth it.

  16. Lynne

    I pray that you get through today and all the days to come. Grief has no rules…just listen to your heart and take good care of yourself and your family. Take advantage of all the love and support around you. Be gentle with yourself…

  17. Stacey

    Maya,

    You’re going do better than you think you will today. An unthinkably hard day will be softened by the love of so many people around you, who love you… And your son.

    Hang in there mama bear. You’ll always miss Ronan. But in time, the best parts of you will once again shine. You have the brightest angel in heaven on your side.

    Best,
    Stacey

  18. Marquita Ward

    Healing will come. Dear Lord bring strength to Maya and all the family who will need a big dose of it for the service. Help Maya with happier dreams each night. In Jesus name amen.

  19. Laura

    As always our thoughts and prayers are with your entire family. Today is going to be hard, but you have all the people around who love you and will help hold you up. You can make it through today. Hold you head high you did everything in the world you could have, you never gave. You all fought a battle that no one should ever have fight. You all now need to pull together and celebrate Ronan’s beautiful life. May the force be with you today. All of our love always.

  20. Janel

    Maya,
    I found out about Ronan on 5/12 when a friend sent me a link to a Facebook page asking everyone to let balloons go on his birthday. I looked up his name & found your blog & I back read to find out about his story. I have cried & cried & my heart breaks for you & your family. I have two sons, Austin (5) & Sean (2.5) & I cannot imagine them going thru what lil’ Ronan endured & you are so strong as a mommy to share your story. Thank you for sharing it! Hope it’s ok I share a lil’ bit of mine with you? I lost my mom in June 2009, the day before my 30th bday to a rare breast cancer & I felt my soul had left with her. Nothing made sense & I became an angry person. She was my rock, my best friend…she kept me straight! My precious aunt told me, upon asking her how could I go on w/out my mom, I had to continue on b/c I was also a mom & my kids depended on me…only to lose her, 5 months after I lost my mom (she also had cancer) and my dad’s dementia has since progressed to moderate Alzheimer’s. So many diseases rob us of our loved ones…even still, I cannot imagine the hurt & loss of losing a child. Ronan’s eyes are the brighest blue eyes I’ve ever seen..he was so brave! His smile is contagious & I love the pictures of him. He has really touched my heart & I somehow draw strength from you b/c I have let depression rule my life far too long. You are right in saying Ronan would want you to be happy…In the beginning, I could only see the battle she fought & her last 6 days, in the hospital, not able to talk, not able to close her mouth. Now, I can remember good times more easily & the pain is still there but it’s a lil’ easier to cope with than before. God has helped me a lot altho’ I was seriously mad with him at first…I know it’s not his doing. Mom didn’t want to die altho’ she accepted it & still loved God & people & she still gave & made me smile.

    I’m glad you have a large group around you, to support & love on you. At times, it seems so much easier to just give up but keep pressin’ on. Keep living…keep loving…keep fighting for Ronan. I wish I could give you a hug, please accept my virtual one (huuuuuuuggg). I am looking at childhood cancer sites I found thru your blog & want to try to get a bake sale planned. Ronan is the reason. I stay home but have a small online graphic/stationery business so please get in touch with me should you need any kind of t-shirt graphic created in Ronan’s honor or digital graphic to use online or even some kind of memory portrait for your home. I’m self taught so you might have access to better but I’d be more than happy to help in any way I can!! Sorry this post is long but I wanted to let you know how your story touched me in relation to my own & you are truly an inspiration!

    Love & hugs from us in eastern North Carolina.

  21. Maria

    My heart breaks for you Maya, today especially….in a house full of people, you must feel so alone…..please know that you, Ro, Woody and the twins are in all of our hearts and in our prayers….i know youve questioned your faith in all of this but rest assured, you are not alone….we love you all so very much and will forever keep Ronan alive in all of our hearts…..

  22. Jamie

    We are all praying for you guys today. I am sending as much strength as I can that you make it through today. I’m always thinking about you guys and I’m always praying up to Ronan to shine down on you guys. Not like he needs the reminder. He’s been doing that since he went to heaven. I wish I could ease your pain Maya. It breaks my heart to know how much pain you are in. It’s not fair. But you are so strong. Even when you don’t feel like it, you are. Just know we are all here for you and sending you all so much love and prayers.

    Love, Jamie (Simpson)

  23. Annie Johnson

    I’m too devistated to write today. thinking about you and Ronan EVERY DAY!!! Lot’s of love sent your way.

  24. Arayah

    Thinking of you all today.
    I have shared Ronan’s story and his has spread like wildfire. So many people love your lil boy even tho they have never met him. There will be so many balloons in the air tonight for Ronan!

  25. Dawn

    You are in the twilight zone and I hate that you have to experience that feeling….it beyond sucks!!!
    Your boys do need you but it is so ok right now to allow everyone else to take the lead in helping them right now…it is not selfish- it is ok to need that time to grieve. Your husband is an amazing guy and can take on the extra stuff right now..there will come a time that he will need you and you will be able to be there. We dont all fall apart at the same time thank god- so that we can be there to help one-another.
    There will always be that void in your family but I promise it will get easier and your family will all work together in keeping Ronan very close to your hearts.
    Do not beat yourself up about any of this….you are an amazing women and need time to rest and grieve right now. You are surrounded by so many people for a reason…let them take over for a while so you can find your way.
    You are loved!!!!!!

  26. Melisa

    Maya – my heart and soul aches for you…I cry hoping that it takes some of your pain away, although I know it doesn’t.
    What I can do is to “cheer you on, root for you”, that one day in your own time, you are able to write “I am okay”. No your life won’t be what you envisioned and you will be a different person, but you will be able to begin each day once again with that beautiful smile of yours- your Ronan wants that for you!
    I just scrolled through your pictures, and want you to know what a commendable job you did taking care of your baby. I see nothing but pure happiness in his eyes – that came from you and your courageous spirit.
    I’m not giving up on you, grieve do what YOU need to do, but know that out there are people cheering for you, sending you love & hugs. Thinking of you always….

  27. Jaime Harris

    Maya, I am praying for you all the time. I am so sorry for the pain you feel. I cannot imagine. I would love to try and help you. My father is a minister/preacher here in Phoenix. He has been for 40+ years. He’s has helped many families through his council. He has done numerous funerals and dealt a lot with death and dying of both young and old. He even wrote an entire series of booklets that were published about Heaven, what it will be like, all based on scripture. I don’t think Ronan is sad where he is. He is not alone. You will see him again someday. Anyway, if you are interested in talking to my dad please contact me. It may help you to talk to someone else besides your therapist to get a different perspective about this whole horrible ordeal. I think he could answer a lot of your questions that you have about Ronan now. Again, you and your family are continually in my prayers. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. God bless…..

  28. tracy

    dear dear Maya, the grief journey sucks, it’s a roller coaster ride we must go through each in our own way in
    our own time, everything you feel and think is normal your normal… my heart aches for you…. I lost my husband 19
    months ago he was a young 49… I so remember all you
    are feeling and thinking right now… those awful dreams of
    the end will go away and in your time you will only remember the happy memories…do not feel guilty …it is
    okay to do only what you can….Breathe… some days opening your eyes to a new day is a huge accomplishment, getting out of bed is monumental… people don’t know what to say so don’t take their words to heart if they blurt out unkind words you can’t believe come out of their mouths, they really do mean well… my thoughts and prayers are with you today.. I wish you peace in your heart in your time…

  29. Asalie

    I am from Kelso class of 92′. I now live in VA. A friend told me about your blog and I read it in one night from top to bottom. At times it was very hard to read as it took me back to when I last my daughter who was 2 1/2 yrs old. when she passed I also lost my son who was 4 mo old. They were both premies weighing 1 pound when they were born.

    I Read your pain and I can feel it to some exstent. But being a mom who has been in your shoes (somewhat) No one will ever no your exact pain. I just wanted to leave you some words of encouragement. As you face attending Ronan’s service, which will probably be the second hardest day of your life in this journey. But I tell do go and soak it all in as this is the first step in the healing process.

    I also want you to know that you are doing the best thing for you an grieving the way you need to. I had so much happing when my daughter passed and I know I never took the time to completely grieve. It has haunted me many times. My daughter passed away in 96′ It has been over ten years but I still grieve. I don’t get as sad as I used to but I do still get very sad when I think about my children. Especially for my son who was 6 mo. old when my daughter passed. He often says, “I wish I had a brother or sister”. I feel so bad for him.

    I would to like to leave you with this. It may not seem like it won’t but the pain does get a little better. After sometime you will again be able to enjoy the sunshine. The dreams will turn to good dreams. You will always have a ache in your heart, that never goes away. But somehow you find away to smile again, somehow you learn how to live again. I do it because I know my children who are in heaven would not want mommy to live a life being sad. I know when I am happy they are happy. But I also know when I have sad days, which I still have after 15 yrs. They understand that mommy needs to be sad today. The pain never completely goes away but you learn how to leave with this little pain that will always remains.

    Kepping you in my thoughts and prayers.
    Asalie

  30. Laura

    Dear Maya,
    I hope my words might sometime offer some comfort. I have had terrible heartbreak too, though I imagine that losing a child must be the worst kind of heartbreak there is and I have not had to face that. I know a little of what it feels like to not know how to go on and how slow time can be. I have kept you and Ronan in my prayers and heart since I started reading your blog. The only thing I learned from my own experience with a truly deep heartbreak is that when your heart is broken and there is nothing left of comfort, that is when I have relied on Jesus Christ the most. Those were the times that he was there to shoulder my pain with me. I had to ask for his help, but it did help me. You are a beautiful and divine mother. Your love for your son is a testament to your beauty as a person. I hope you will find some peace in your dreams and thoughts of better times with your sweet boy. I also believe that Ronan dearly misses and loves you, but that he is surrounded by God’s love. With all my heart I believe he is with God and is filled with a joy that only God’s love can bring. I also believe that you will see him again and both have joy. I hope nothing I have said would bring you any more pain. I hope that in time you will find peace. Your Ronan and your bravery at having this blog has brought so much compassion, love, and inspiration into this world. Thank you for sharing. I have nothing but love and respect for you and your family. May God bless you all and carry you through this.

  31. Cheryl

    Today will be bad, but things will get better. Thinking of you and your family today giving you all the love, strength and blessings I have in my heart. Xoxo

  32. Ranee

    No one else is grieving like you. Because honestly I don’t think that anyone loves a child as much as their mother. You don’t have to be strong all the time .. you have to have those times where you are selfish .. otherwise if you fight it everyone will lose you too. I have no doubt that your little guy is going to lead you to happier more peaceful times soon. Life will never be the same, that’s for certain, but the sun will come out and those stars will be brighter .. and all because of him.

  33. Glenda

    Thinking of you mama bear. Be strong for Rockstar Ro, WoodyN Liam and Quinn. They need you every minute of every day. My heart aches for you and your family especially today. Sending you hugs, peace and strength.

  34. Todd & Kara Schierscher

    Our balloons have been bought and will be flying from Martin’s Dock at 7pm tonight – thinking of you and hugging the girls extra tight. Love, hugs and prayers to the Thompsons, Weedmans, Stephens and all who have been touched by sweet Ronan….

  35. Kim

    Maya~ I have not said anything yet, as I have just read and read, I have also reposted and talked about Ronan to everyone I know, I have told them his story and showed them pictures of your perfect beautiful baby boy, your strength and courage just baffles me, and I am so glad you have a little of that left to help you cope somewhat. You are so strong and brave, unlike most of us, you continue to share with us at your toughest saddest point in your life, and I am so appreciative, as I would myself have been to weak and hateful, shows what strength you have as a woman and a wonderful mother. You are entitled to be angry, pissed, sad and every other emotion. That is your right as a grieving mother, and in order to ever live again you will have to grieve, Woody, Liam, Quin, but most of all your little Rockstar will hold you and pull you right through it. Today will be the hardest position you have ever had to go through, buy I believe Ronan will walk beside you and hold you up and comfort you. Thank you so much for allowing us to be there w you through your blogs… I wish you beautiful sweet dreams.

  36. bluejeanamy

    Maya,

    I just found your blog yesterday (my husband is going through chemo and I happened upon you from random Internet research), and spent all last night and this morning reading your story, completely mesmerized by your beautiful Ronan. What an incredible little guy.

    I am so very very sorry about everything that happened in the past year and for your very recent loss. No mama should ever have to go through what you have, and I’m just so sorry.

    I’ve been thinking about you all constantly since I found your page and will continue to send you prayers and thoughts to get through each day ahead.

    Amy in Denver

  37. Dana

    Sending all the love, light, strength & positive energy to you and your family today. Just know that there are so many people who are sending you their strength to get you through this day. I hope you feel the love from all of us.

    It’s a very windy day in LA, perfect for bringing Ronan our balloon. Get ready to catch all these balloons just for you sweet boy.

    xo

  38. Heather in Phoenix

    Praying for peace, comfort, and strength for you and your family today. My daughter & I will be releasing a bouquet of balloons from North Phoenix… hoping to see the sky filled with color for sweet Ronan!! Love to all of you!!

  39. Elle

    Ronan isn’t happy where he’s at. He misses you as much as you miss him. But I think he also has moments that allow for giggles and laughter and smiles, just like you’ve had these past few days.

    I’m sure he’s made some new friends and loved the balloons you sent for his birthday. I see him having had a great birthday with his new friends while being sad that he wasn’t with you and his daddy and brothers.

    Don’t worry if you can’t get out of bed some days, or if your twins are sometimes the only thing getting you out of bed. Don’t be afraid for them to see the tears when they fall or to know that it’s also okay to still be happy sometimes. I can’t say that it gets easier or better. It doesn’t. The sadness and the pain just become a part of your daily life now. It never goes away, no matter how hard you wish it would. But there will come a time when you have a less sad, less painful day. You will still think of Ronan often on that day, but you will have more thoughts of his life and laughter and smile, than you will have of the end of his life and the pain he was in. Then there will be the bad days that just eat you alive because you miss him so much, you just can’t stand it any more. Those are the days you surround yourself with his Star Wars guys and stay in bed. Eventually, there will be more good days than bad days and more good dreams of your time with him than bad dreams of the end. The bad days will always be there and you will get through them. And your boys will get through them when they have their bad days. And your husband will get through his bad days too.

    I’m sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I do know what it’s like. I didn’t have your Ronan, but I did have my Emily. Maybe they are friends now and she’ll show him the ropes and help him cope with his sadness and pain at missing all of you. I hope the he visits you all often with happy dreams of playing on the beach or watching Mickey Mouse together. I hope you feel his kisses on your cheek or his hand in yours and hear his laughter on the wind. It doesn’t make it any easier that you can’t see him, but he is still there with you and will help you through the bad days.

  40. Kristen

    Maya – because of you I was a better wife and mother today. Thank you.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  41. Stephanie

    Our thoughts are with you today and everyday.
    We sent blue, purple and yellow balloons along with a Star Wars balloon and two Rockstar balloons to Ronan this evening. We played “Don’t Stop Believing” and did not look away from the sky until all the balloons were out of our sight. The sky was cloudy except for a patch of blue and there the sun was shining through. That is where the balloons headed – right on course to Ronan.

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  43. Dawn

    I continue to think and pray for you all day and night. I pray that you feel Ronan’s presence with you to get you through today.

  44. tracy

    A Beautiful Poem

    To my dearest family, some things I’d like to say…
    but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
    I’m writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
    Here, there’s no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

    Please do not be unhappy just because I’m out of sight.
    Remember that I’m with you every morning, noon and night.
    That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
    God picked me up and hugged me and He said, “I welcome you.”

    It’s good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
    As for your dearest family, they’ll be here later on.
    I need you here badly; you’re part of my plan.
    There’s so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

    God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
    And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
    And when you lie in bed at night, the day’s chores put to flight.
    God and I are closest to you….in the middle of the night.

    When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
    because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
    But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
    Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

    I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
    But if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand.
    But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o’er.
    I’m closer to you now, than I ever was before.

    There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
    but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
    It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too…
    that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

    If you can help somebody who’s in sorrow and pain,
    then you can say to God at night……”My day was not in vain.”
    And now I am contented….that my life has been worthwhile,
    knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

    So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
    just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
    When you’re walking down the street, and you’ve got me on your mind;
    I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

    And when it’s time for you to go…. from that body to be free,
    remember you’re not going…..you’re coming here to me.

    author unknown

  45. Maureen

    there are purple balloons playing and dancing in the clear skies of north florida’s coast. they are for a rockstar and his family.
    prayers of peace and comfort surround you.

  46. Shel74

    Maya & family-
    Wishing you peace & love on this sad day. Hoping that the sun shines warm on your face again soon.

  47. emily

    Maya, my parents, Nate and I released balloons tonight for Ronan. We also released one for Pete, Nate’s dad, and a couple other friends we’ve lost in the past couple of years. We know that the balloons made it to heaven and they all ran to catch them as they floated to them. There are no words any of us can say… to make you feel better… different… make it go away. Just know that we pray for you and your family everyday… think about you all the time… and admire the mom you ARE and HAVE BEEN to your boys. You are also an incredible wife and Woody knows that. You will each give each other the space you need to grieve in your own way. My friend, I love you and am sending hugs.

  48. Charlie

    I know you have so much on your mind now. I heard a song today and I think it would be great if you could listen to it, when you have the time and the bearings. I want to believe it would be how Ronan is handling everything right now. And looking down on you to help you through this. It’s called, “When I Go” by Brett Dennen. Thinking of all of you through these days.

  49. Teri, jeremiah, elaina and catherine- longview wa

    My 8yr old daughter sent ronan a letter with her balloons she released tonight. She told him to keep god company til we all get there. And to continue to watch over his mommy, daddy and brothers cuz she was sure they were very sad. She was so proud to attach that letter to those balloons and let them go. She said she will never forget him and promised not to as she watched those balloons fly away. And promised to help try to find a cure from not til she is bigger.

  50. Addy

    It is hard to even think of what to say to a grieving momma because I imagine the one thing that would make things better is impossible. No family should ever have to feel the pain yours is feeling. Never forget the sweet times together. May his hugs and kisses stay with you forever and yours with him. Sending you and your family thoughts of love. Many hugs! Your story will forever be in my heart as I live by your example and never take life for granted.

    xoxoxoxoxo

  51. suba

    Dear Maya,
    I feel your pain and ache for you. This pain will live in you forever. The loss is so profound that it will mask every blessings around you. Please please don’t disappear from who you are and from your every day life. Please go from existing to living..Your twins need you. You need you. Today we went to the park and released purple balloons sending him love. My six year old was saying some thing to balloon in the car and i asked ‘what?’. She said ‘i cannot say it mom bcos then it won’t come true’. and my 9 year old was signing to her! While releasing the balloon my little one says loud ‘i am sad you got sick and love you Ronan’. That brought tears to my eyes. Ronan has made a difference in so many peoples’ lives. Mine will never be the same.
    I wish you strength and prayers during this tough time. No amount of words can bring that comfort. love to you and your strong/kind husband and your entire family. Be there for your twins and your husband. Don’t seperate yourself in your mourning. Include them. That will ease their pains as well. sorry i took the liberty to say this. I feel like i am part of this family. By reading and thinking about your blog and Ronan over the 7 months or so..i feel close to your pain. Ro is always there in ur mind,soul,heart and life. sending prayers your way love..

  52. Janine Mothershed

    You inspire me. Everything you write is amazing. I sit and cry my eyes out reading it yet cannot stop reading. After reading your blogs I have come to a realization that I have never really ever had a bad day. It brings me to see how much I really do love my children. It has changed me emotionally and I thank you for that. I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain. When I read your entries you write so well that the pain reaches thru and really touches me. I pray for you and your family i pray for a cure. Thank you for opening my eyes all over again in life.

  53. christina noelle

    Maya, i wish i lived near you so i could hug you and never let go. I just recently started reading your blog and i went through this journey of pain so deep in my chest reading all of your enteries. I just want you to know i live you, and your family sith all my heart. I know ive never met you but i feel as if you are a dear friend im going through this with. I feel sick inside knowing this happened to Ronan and its so cruel i cant stand it. I want you to know i cant get Ronan off my mind, and now im starting the process of volunteering at my local childrens hospital and doing everything i can to tell people about you and tell them how important it is do what they can to help donate their time to help how they can. Ill never be the same. Im so in awe of you. You are brave, so so brave. I want you to know every post you write, i care so much!

  54. Isabelle Geers

    Maya, I may be just a twelve-year-old, but ever since I heard the Taylor Swift song about your little angel, I’ve been going crazy about childhood cancer. Not that I may get it, but how someone can even begin to deal with it. Every day I listen to Ronan’s song, and think about how brave you are, and what an amazing boy Ro is. In almost every post I read, I cry for you, and Ro, and your family. I cry because I was too late to be able to pray for Ronan’s life. I only heard about you a couple months ago via Tay. I wish that I could go back in time before Ro left, so that I could pray as hard as possible for him. I can’t do that, but I still do pray for you and Ro. And all other children fighting like an army guy, as hard as Ro. I try to tell my friends about Ronan.

    You have been a big influence on me. Now that I understand this, I will try to find ways to contribute to cancer. In fact, I have donated hair once, and am about to send another ten inches! You are such an amazing lady, and I admire you so much. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

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