I’m going to build a little igloo and live in it for the rest of my life.

Ronan. I didn’t make it to boot camp this morning. I didn’t sleep through my alarm or anything. I was already awake. I fell asleep last night around midnight, only to toss and turn. 3:00 a.m. and I was up and there was no putting me back to sleep. It was always the witching hour around here and you passed away around 3:15 a.m. While you were sick, I would wake up at that time, every night, like clockwork. It’s happening again. I softly snuck out of bed, as to not wake up your daddy, and went to your room to look for you. You were not there. I laid down in your bed and pulled the covers over my head and cried for you. I wrote to you. I paced around your room and then the house. I wanted so badly to find you on the couch that one night that I slept in your room with you, and you woke up with one of your bloody noses. I remember waking up in your bed, only to find you weren’t there. I heard noises coming from the living room and I rushed out of your bedroom to find you on the couch. Crying. Holding your nose to get the blood to stop. You were so mad, sad, scared. I picked you up, and fixed you. I held you close and kissed the top of your little bald head and told you everything was going to be alright. I got your bloody nose to stop and tucked you safely back into bed with me. I wanted that moment back so badly last night. But I didn’t get it. Instead, I stayed up until 5:00 a.m., popped another Ambien and then thought about driving to boot camp anyway because I was up. I then remembered the Ambien I had just taken and the image of me driving to boot camp and crashing my car made me re think that idea. I fell asleep until 9 a.m. instead. I woke up to a quiet house as your brothers were still asleep. They soon woke up and I got them ready to start our day.

We ran some errands, went to get shaved ice, saw my favorite Halle at our dry cleaners. I haven’t seen her in forever. She gave me a big hug and asked how I was doing. I told her o.k. She then took me back to show me your picture on her computer. She has it taped to laptop. She told me she kisses her finger every morning and every night and touches your face. I lost it right then and there. She is such a sweet soul and I know she thinks about you all the time. We all do, Ro. After the dry cleaners, we ran some other errands. Your brothers were such good helpers. Until they started wrestling in the store. I looked over and Liam had Quinn in a headlock. Such boys. I miss how you used to always be in the middle of that. After I threatened to take away all of their electronic devices, they stopped. We hurried home after that and we spent the rest of the day swimming outside in the blazing heat. Bloody hell it is hot here. August is miserable. I did my best to keep your brothers entertained and Heidi dropped Luke off to swim and play. We went and had dinner at Chelsea’s tonight. Your favorite place. Luke, Quinn, and Liam discovered that if they put real sugar in a glass bottle of coke, that it would foam up like a volcano and basically explode. It made me laugh and I was only sorry that you weren’t here to see it. It would have been something you would have loved.

Tonight, Luke asked to see you ashes. Quinn was with him in my room and I hesitated for a moment but then I took your urn off of our dresser. I opened it up, concentrating on keeping my hand from shaking and took out the bag that is full of what your body was. It looks like sand. I let Quinn and Luke look at it and I just started to cry. Luke just looked at me and told me it was o.k. I stopped as I know that I am the adult in the situation and I didn’t want an 11-year-old boy to take care of me as I almost passed out on the spot. I hugged Luke instead and told him I loved him. I hugged Quinn too and said the same thing. I put you back in your urn and told the boys to go and play so I could shower. They listened and scurried out of my room.

The rest of the night we hung out at home. We watched the baseball game and your daddy watched me. All your daddy wants to do is talk to me, take care of me, and love me. My wall is up and all I want to do is to be left alone. I told him this. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I feel extreme guilt about the way I am so closed off, to everyone. Everyone except you. You are the only one I want to talk to, scream to, cry to. I know I can’t stay like this forever. I hope I don’t stay like this forever. But everyone expects so much. It’s only been a couple of months….almost 3. The wounds are still so fresh. The wounds are still so deep. The wounds have not healed at all. The time of having you gone is not helping. It’s only hurting me more. I’m going to start a list of all the worst sayings in the world. First on that list is going to be, “Time heals all wounds.” or maybe, “Everything happens for a reason.” Ohhhhh….. I have an even better one…. “Happiness is a choice.” Fuck that. Try saying that to someone that has just taken care of their baby and then watched them die. I’m going to make up some new sayings like my favorite, “Fuck Cancer.” or “If time heals all wounds then you are full of shit.” Or how about “If everything happens for a reason, I really hope your child doesn’t die of cancer.” Seriously, if I ever meet the people who are the one’s who thought of these sayings, I hope they run the other way because I will punch them in the face. Ignorance is bliss, you morons.

I’m getting sassy tonight, Ro. Your daddy told me he misses me. He misses my laugh, my smile, my smart ass mouth. He misses his best friend; that would be me. You know what I told him? I told him I missed you. I told him I want you back. I told him to bring you back. He said if he could he would. He would trade places with you in a second. We all would do that if it meant having you back here. I would give up this life and trade it with you without even blinking an eye. I want to miss your daddy too. But right now, all I feel is the pain of you being gone which in turn leaves me numb and lifeless. I am a walking zombie. If we were living in Zombieland, I would have been put our of my misery by now. Too bad that place doesn’t really exist, I’d be well on my way.

Tomorrow night, Sauce is doing an event for you at their Waterfront Location. Stacy just texted me to see if I am up for going. I told her to ask me tomorrow. I am so thankful that this event is being put on, but I also know how vulnerable I am now. I’m not doing well anywhere. I really want to come out of it though and at least say thank you to everyone who has worked and supported your foundation. I want to be able to give out some good hugs to some special people who have worked behind the scenes on things for you. I want to go and honor you. I just hope I can hold it all together. I hope I don’t wind up in a ball on the floor while your daddy has to carry me out of there. I have to go and put on my prettiest, saddest, bravest, face that I know how to do so well now. Our community is so amazing and they deserve to be able to look into our eyes and know how thankful we are. So Ro baby, is it a date?? I’ll take your Captain Rex with me if you’ll come too. You can even wear your pajamas if you want, I won’t tell:)

I love you baby. I love you to the moon and back. I’m having Ambien issues. My one dose does not seem to be cutting it. Just popped another. I have to get to The Good Doctor this week as I am all out. EMERGENCY!!!!! G’night little man. I love you sooooooooooooooooooooo much. Sweet dreams and I hope you are safe.


11 responses to “I’m going to build a little igloo and live in it for the rest of my life.”

  1. You are right…time does not heal all wounds and not everything happens for a reason. To try and justify the gravity of what you are feeling right should not be expected. I, too, kept hoping to wake up from the terrible dream. Nobody will ever feel exactly as you do. Nobody loves exactly the same so how could it be possible? Grief is experienced in the most personal of ways.

    I just wanted to share that somebody on the other side of this keyboard believes that you are amazing.

  2. Life sucks! Grief is a bitch! And people who thinks they can heal you with words are ignorant!! Maya please know people all over are thinking of you and they too will help you cry!! Thier are not enough tears in the world for Robaby!! But please know we are here with you!! I was told 14 yrs ago that time heals all wounds they r full of shit. You will always hurt you will always b sad but you will live each day with a smile for your boys. Know that inside your heart your will always have your baby and that is between you and him. Wake up each morning to live the life he wanted you to have and be the mom you are for your boys and family. Maya living after loosing someone is not for the weak hearted. I belive in your and so do your other million readers. Live, Laugh and Love in your new non-normal life. For this too shall pass and one day you will hold your baby again, God bless from another grief stricken having to live in this fucked up world minus one!!

  3. Our love, thoughts, and prayers to you and your entire family. One day at a time, at least you are realistically feeling all the emotions, not holding them all in where they would come back. Just keep one foot in front of the other. Give Woody and the boys extra loving, that always feels good. All our love.

  4. I think those bullshit sayings (time heals all wounds; happens for a reason; etc..) were invented to make teenagers feel better about getting dumped by their girl/boyfriends, or to make yourself feel better for not getting a job you applied for.. i think anybody who tries to apply those sayings to the loss of a child deserve to be punched in the box. Maya — if you hear any of those stupid sayings, please write down the name and address of the person who said it and I’ll punch him/her in the balls/box for you.

  5. I hope tonight has a great turnout! I am going to try to make it if I can. I hope Ronan gives you the feeling of his presence tonight. I am praying for you and for Woody, too. And I agree, those sayings are dumb, and especially insensitive to someone who has just been through all you have been through! Sorry for that. Thoughts and prayers Maya, always, xoxo

  6. Maya, There is an amazing depth of light in your eyes. I knew when I saw it that Ronan was residing in your soul, in your heart. My boots are strapped on this fight. Let us carry you now as you push through.

  7. I wish with all the love and support surrounding you that it would take away your pain! I hate this!!! I really hope not too many people are putting expectations on you…from what I see, you are doing amazing. I hated the feeling of walking around in a fog wondering when it was going to pass- it does, slowly:( But I promise, one day you will find it not so hard to function.
    I dont think anyone would expect you to be there tonight- I know I would not. We are all doing this to support you but know you need your space and not to feel like you need to be present. Everyone knows you appreciate all the support:) Take care of you!!!!

  8. Maya,

    I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to Sauce as I was planning to and would’ve loved to meet you and give you a big mama bear hug from one mama to another.

    Life is not fair!!! Tonight carry on with Ronan beside you…he will guide you! Peace & Strength!

    I saw this and thought of you and Rockstar Ro!

    “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” (WinnieThePooh)


    1. Awesome quote! Love it!

  9. I read your blog daily, but something different happened today. I was thinking about how hard it was for you to return home, brought tears to my eyes. I do not see hummingbirds very often, but reading you blog today there was one that just flew up to the window fluttered and left. It was right after I saw the photo of Ro and you. I wish you happiness in the future to come. You have been an amazing Mom and Wife.

  10. PUsH yourself to take care of you! You put on a brave face for your boys which is the right thing to do. Get in to the middle of things. Go to boot camp or start with a spinning class or other activity that will get your system flowing and pumping. Harness that energy. You will sleep. I know how hard it is, experience.
    Just breathe and love your Woody. Hug Quinn and Liam. Take a page from the twins, wrestle and put cancer in a headlock. It is NOT going to take anymore NOT get the best of Maya.
    Ronan is in you every step of the way.
    Luv and Hugs

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