Ronan. I didn’t make it to boot camp this morning. I didn’t sleep through my alarm or anything. I was already awake. I fell asleep last night around midnight, only to toss and turn. 3:00 a.m. and I was up and there was no putting me back to sleep. It was always the witching hour around here and you passed away around 3:15 a.m. While you were sick, I would wake up at that time, every night, like clockwork. It’s happening again. I softly snuck out of bed, as to not wake up your daddy, and went to your room to look for you. You were not there. I laid down in your bed and pulled the covers over my head and cried for you. I wrote to you. I paced around your room and then the house. I wanted so badly to find you on the couch that one night that I slept in your room with you, and you woke up with one of your bloody noses. I remember waking up in your bed, only to find you weren’t there. I heard noises coming from the living room and I rushed out of your bedroom to find you on the couch. Crying. Holding your nose to get the blood to stop. You were so mad, sad, scared. I picked you up, and fixed you. I held you close and kissed the top of your little bald head and told you everything was going to be alright. I got your bloody nose to stop and tucked you safely back into bed with me. I wanted that moment back so badly last night. But I didn’t get it. Instead, I stayed up until 5:00 a.m., popped another Ambien and then thought about driving to boot camp anyway because I was up. I then remembered the Ambien I had just taken and the image of me driving to boot camp and crashing my car made me re think that idea. I fell asleep until 9 a.m. instead. I woke up to a quiet house as your brothers were still asleep. They soon woke up and I got them ready to start our day.
We ran some errands, went to get shaved ice, saw my favorite Halle at our dry cleaners. I haven’t seen her in forever. She gave me a big hug and asked how I was doing. I told her o.k. She then took me back to show me your picture on her computer. She has it taped to laptop. She told me she kisses her finger every morning and every night and touches your face. I lost it right then and there. She is such a sweet soul and I know she thinks about you all the time. We all do, Ro. After the dry cleaners, we ran some other errands. Your brothers were such good helpers. Until they started wrestling in the store. I looked over and Liam had Quinn in a headlock. Such boys. I miss how you used to always be in the middle of that. After I threatened to take away all of their electronic devices, they stopped. We hurried home after that and we spent the rest of the day swimming outside in the blazing heat. Bloody hell it is hot here. August is miserable. I did my best to keep your brothers entertained and Heidi dropped Luke off to swim and play. We went and had dinner at Chelsea’s tonight. Your favorite place. Luke, Quinn, and Liam discovered that if they put real sugar in a glass bottle of coke, that it would foam up like a volcano and basically explode. It made me laugh and I was only sorry that you weren’t here to see it. It would have been something you would have loved.
Tonight, Luke asked to see you ashes. Quinn was with him in my room and I hesitated for a moment but then I took your urn off of our dresser. I opened it up, concentrating on keeping my hand from shaking and took out the bag that is full of what your body was. It looks like sand. I let Quinn and Luke look at it and I just started to cry. Luke just looked at me and told me it was o.k. I stopped as I know that I am the adult in the situation and I didn’t want an 11-year-old boy to take care of me as I almost passed out on the spot. I hugged Luke instead and told him I loved him. I hugged Quinn too and said the same thing. I put you back in your urn and told the boys to go and play so I could shower. They listened and scurried out of my room.
The rest of the night we hung out at home. We watched the baseball game and your daddy watched me. All your daddy wants to do is talk to me, take care of me, and love me. My wall is up and all I want to do is to be left alone. I told him this. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I feel extreme guilt about the way I am so closed off, to everyone. Everyone except you. You are the only one I want to talk to, scream to, cry to. I know I can’t stay like this forever. I hope I don’t stay like this forever. But everyone expects so much. It’s only been a couple of months….almost 3. The wounds are still so fresh. The wounds are still so deep. The wounds have not healed at all. The time of having you gone is not helping. It’s only hurting me more. I’m going to start a list of all the worst sayings in the world. First on that list is going to be, “Time heals all wounds.” or maybe, “Everything happens for a reason.” Ohhhhh….. I have an even better one…. “Happiness is a choice.” Fuck that. Try saying that to someone that has just taken care of their baby and then watched them die. I’m going to make up some new sayings like my favorite, “Fuck Cancer.” or “If time heals all wounds then you are full of shit.” Or how about “If everything happens for a reason, I really hope your child doesn’t die of cancer.” Seriously, if I ever meet the people who are the one’s who thought of these sayings, I hope they run the other way because I will punch them in the face. Ignorance is bliss, you morons.
I’m getting sassy tonight, Ro. Your daddy told me he misses me. He misses my laugh, my smile, my smart ass mouth. He misses his best friend; that would be me. You know what I told him? I told him I missed you. I told him I want you back. I told him to bring you back. He said if he could he would. He would trade places with you in a second. We all would do that if it meant having you back here. I would give up this life and trade it with you without even blinking an eye. I want to miss your daddy too. But right now, all I feel is the pain of you being gone which in turn leaves me numb and lifeless. I am a walking zombie. If we were living in Zombieland, I would have been put our of my misery by now. Too bad that place doesn’t really exist, I’d be well on my way.
Tomorrow night, Sauce is doing an event for you at their Waterfront Location. Stacy just texted me to see if I am up for going. I told her to ask me tomorrow. I am so thankful that this event is being put on, but I also know how vulnerable I am now. I’m not doing well anywhere. I really want to come out of it though and at least say thank you to everyone who has worked and supported your foundation. I want to be able to give out some good hugs to some special people who have worked behind the scenes on things for you. I want to go and honor you. I just hope I can hold it all together. I hope I don’t wind up in a ball on the floor while your daddy has to carry me out of there. I have to go and put on my prettiest, saddest, bravest, face that I know how to do so well now. Our community is so amazing and they deserve to be able to look into our eyes and know how thankful we are. So Ro baby, is it a date?? I’ll take your Captain Rex with me if you’ll come too. You can even wear your pajamas if you want, I won’t tell:)
I love you baby. I love you to the moon and back. I’m having Ambien issues. My one dose does not seem to be cutting it. Just popped another. I have to get to The Good Doctor this week as I am all out. EMERGENCY!!!!! G’night little man. I love you sooooooooooooooooooooo much. Sweet dreams and I hope you are safe.