Self control vs Self destruction. And Happy Fucking New Year.

Ronan. Happy Fucking New Year. No. There will never be anything “Happy,” about it again. This is how I know I will never be normal again. This is how I know, I will continue to live in Zombieland. Because everything stings so much that I can’t be among the living. Everyone is so busy being happy. It’s as if they have all forgotten about you. But what do I expect? For everybody to take this year off, from celebrating their beautiful lives? For the ball not to drop in New York City? Exactly. I told you life goes on for others.

We are back home and I’ll admit it, I’m acting like a brat. We got home on the night of our 10 year anniversary and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fake it at all. The happiness that I am supposed to feel. I am thankful….. For as much as I can be. But feeling happy just does not exist. Your daddy didn’t ask much, but the little he asked, I couldn’t do. All he wanted was some acknowledgment that our 10 years was a big deal. I gave him my snarky commentary about why the fuck does everyone make such a big deal about 10 years, when every year should be just as sacred and valued. I begged him to please just skip over the 10 years and next year we could do something nice. I don’t want to celebrate anything when everything feels so wrong. He told me he had a gift for me which made me lose it even more as I specifically told him there was nothing I wanted. He said he knew, but it was something he wanted me to have anyway. I pretty purple amethyst ring. I told him to take it back. He told me he wanted me to know how much he loved me. I begged and pleaded with him to take it away and told him I didn’t need things to know how much he loved me. That I already knew and would always know. He insisted that you would love for me to have it and that you would have told me how “cute,” I looked wearing it. I just laid in bed and sobbed while I kept one eye on your Urn. I made him take the ring away and told him I wasn’t worthy of pretty things because I let you die. I fell asleep in a puddle of my own tears. I had spent the day being so proud of myself for the stupidest things that I used to be able to do, in my sleep. I got your brothers from Portland to Phoenix, safe and sound, all by myself. I checked in our luggage. We had dinner at the airport. We made it through security, to our flight, and home. This is a big thing to accomplish, when you have a dead child. Traveling with 2, not 3 little guys was such a mental head game, that I really don’t know how I did it. But I did and I of course, did a fucking good job. Gold star for me. After we landed in Phoenix, I listened to myself, telling myself in my head, what a good job I had done. Then I went to, are you FUCKING kidding me? This is something that you now get to be proud of? Something you used to be able to do in your sleep? What kind of fuckery is this? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s the most fucking fucked kind of fuckery that exists. It is my life now.

I ran around all day Friday, catching up on things and being pissed off that I was wearing a strapless dress because it was hot enough in January, to do so. Bloody hell. Where was my rainy gloomy weather that is so able to explain how I feel, without me having to say a word? Where were my rain boots and dirty, muddy puddles of tears? The tears that I was able to take a break from crying because the weather was able to cry for me just for a bit so I let it. They were back in Washington, that’s where. So, I spent all Friday, running about being blinded by the fake plastic trees of this world that I feel like kicking the shit out of. Where I have to put on my fake, sunny smile because that’s what the weather wants me to do but Ro, I don’t want to do it. I want to go and live in my underground world with all the other bereaved parents of the world where happiness and sunshine no longer exist. I don’t want to have to listen to the others in the world as they complain about their bad days which include things like getting a flat tire or their nanny being sick. When I hear these things it is all I can do to not cover my ears and drop down into the fetal position. Maybe I should just start doing that. I wonder how different this world would be if we all acted the way we felt really felt instead of hiding everything behind our lipgloss and dark sunglasses. I’ll bet it would be a complete mess but at least it would be a TRUE complete mess and not so fake and insincere. I was also having some major mom guilt on Friday so one of my errands included going to the grocery store. You know how much I hate this now, Ro. I freeze up, freak out, and panic. I made myself do it because the thought of your brothers living off of processed food any longer is destroying me. I don’t cook anymore, unless you count cereal, frozen pizza, fruit or veggies. Your daddy has taken over the majority of the cooking. It is something that I used to live for back in the days when you were here and you were my favorite little helper. The two of us, cooking together, was my heaven. I wanted to make your daddy feel good by coming home to a home cooked meal, like he used to. The one he deserves to come home to, every night. I made it half way through my shopping, panicked over some mom who was pushing her little boy in the cart and almost abandoned all of my groceries to bolt for my car. I took a deep breath and stopped myself from doing so. I had to talk myself through every next step in order to get to finish up the shopping and get to the checkout line. I couldn’t get out of there, fast enough. I came home and whipped up dinner, without a recipe or anything. Just from memory only. The one that does not really exist anymore. I made your daddy and brothers, homemade Shepard’s Pie. Your daddy said it was the best one I had ever made and wanted to know what I had done differently. I wanted to tell him how the only thing I did differently was cry the entire time I was making it because I couldn’t stop thinking about how you wouldn’t be there, to eat it with us. Sitting down, at our dinner table with your seat, empty is also something that just kills me. So, I may have made dinner, but I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough for the plans I had made a few days in advance.

I spent Friday night with some girls which I never take the time to do anymore either. We didn’t go out, but rather stayed in, instead. I picked up Mandy Bee and we headed out to Kristi’s house for a special night which of course was inspired by you. The best nights, always are. I know you were there, I know you saw and that’s all I’m saying about our night, for now. It was a true rock and roll night, in the most innocent way possible. It was a night that for as painful as it was, I actually felt myself having fun. Thank you, K…. for such a wonderful night. I don’t get those very often anymore. It was nice to let everything slide away for a bit and get lost in a world of beauty parlors, some good reality T.V. laughs, and a little blood, too;) And Mizpah, Mandy Bee. Thank you. I love you my crazy stalker bestie. Thank you for not being afraid of the dark with me. No matter how scary it gets. And for breaking down my door when I won’t pick up the phone, the lights are off, the doors are barricaded shut but you somehow manage to break them down anyway. I know you didn’t know him, but how I wish you would have. Thank you for loving him like you did.

I don’t know what happened today except for we all slept in and that seemed to throw everything off. I woke up, did the big breakfast thing with your daddy and brothers, threw up, showered, and ran out to get your daddy’s car washed just to get out of the fucking house full of loud T.V. and noise. I ran to Smart and Final to stock up your brothers drinks for their school lunches. I had a panic attack in the parking lot and had the urge to do something really self-destructive. Anything. I seriously contemplated driving to the nearest bar to get shit faced drunk. And I don’t even drink, Ronan. But I wanted something, anything, to make this pain go away even if just for a short amount of time. I wanted a break or to feel something differently, than this. Anything. I sat, cried, almost did…..but did not. Self destruct or self control? Today, self-control won. I am scared for the day that it will not. I came home exhausted from the hour I spent crying, fell into bed and drifted in and out of sleep for the next 4 hours. I hid in our bed, until the bright sun disappeared and I had enough of dreaming the dreams where all I can seem to do, is cry and scream in them. I feel like I live in between two worlds. One of real reality and one of fake reality. They both suck and I can’t win either way. The dreams I dream of always involve watching myself cry due to this nightmare. Happiness does not exist, anywhere without you, Ronan. At least not for me…. not even in my dreams.

Alright baby boy. This is enough for tonight. I wish I had something happier to say… an ounce of hope to give you…. a glimmer of the happiness that I hope to one day be able to feel again. But this is me, today. This is the best I can do. I guess just be proud that I am here and I didn’t drive off the cliff that I made up in my head today. I love you so much. I miss you every second of every day. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Dear Lovely Little Blog Readers,

Thank you. For sticking with me. For hugging your kids tighter. For appreciating everything in your life, so much more than you did before you knew Ronan and our story. Thank you for helping me keep him alive by thinking about him, loving him, and letting him make you all better people. It keeps me going even during my darkest hours. I wish you all only health and happiness in 2012. Because we all know if health exists, then happiness does too. I love you. Ronan loves you. Please be safe! No drinking and driving!

xoxo

Hell is empty and all the Devils are here

Ronan. Cancer is stupid. And people are stupid. I try to ignore the stupid people of the world the best I can but sometimes they get under my skin. I try not to let them but as it turns out, I’m still human. For as dead as I feel I guess I’m really not because I am still able to feel. I wish I really were a dead zombie. Then I wouldn’t be bothered by these stupid, ignorant people. I would just rip their hearts out and eat them and then maybe they would be able to feel a quarter of the pain that I feel on a daily basis. Only in Zombieland, right buddy. Sometimes the stupid people of the world say stupid things like, “You know, there are other mothers out their who have lost children. You’re not the only one.” My reply is, “Really? No shit, asshole.” Please hold on a minute while I punch you in the throat. It is as if they are trying to compare my pain, to somebody else’s. Or justify it by saying there is someone else out there, who has it worse. I am not ignorant. I am aware of the other people out there who have lost their children. But guess what? They didn’t have a Ronan. So there is no comparing or justifying. You were mine and therefore, nobody else knows what this is like. I don’t care if they too, have lost a child. This pain is my own, this sadness is my own, this experience is my own. I would never tell another parent, “Oh, I know exactly how you feel.” Because I don’t. I understand some aspects of it. I can relate but to each his own. I am learning to be respectful of that for others going through this process. I’m still new at this game but this is something that I have learned. Unless you had a Ronan, you don’t fully know.

I survived Christmas? I survived Christmas. It was brutal. I took some time in the morning, before I got up and just cried for you. After that, I was able to go downstairs to watch your brothers open gifts and enjoy Christmas the way 8 year olds should. It was as nice as it could possibly be. All that mattered is I was able to get out of bed and watch as your brothers smiled, giggled, and laughed. I lasted a couple of hours but then the pain became too much and I had to retreat up to my old bedroom where you and I spent all last summer cuddling and whispering secrets to each other. I passed out for a few hours. I dreamed of you. This is the second time in a month that I have seen you in my dreams. They are never pleasant and it is always the same theme. You looking at me. I’m trying to save you, but I can’t. I know you are dying, but you always look peaceful. Thanks for that, little man. My heart was extra heavy on Christmas for another mama. Another mama who wrote to me a few days before Christmas to tell me thank you. I was sick to my stomach after her email. I don’t want a thank you from another mama because her baby girl died of Neuroblastoma. She died on December 7th, this year. This mama told me it was because of what I had written about you after you passed away, that she was able to tell her Charlotte all the things she wanted to say, right before she died. I don’t remember what I wrote about you and I don’t want to know. I guess I am glad it helped somebody else although I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I could give her Charlotte back. I told her I was sorry. I wish I had some wise words for her. I didn’t. Sorry was the best I could do. She told me how she just wants to be with Charlotte. I told her I knew. Oh, how I know.

Yesterday, I spent the day in Portland with your daddy. You know how Portland is one of my favorite cities. It was a nice day. We grabbed lunch. I ate a bit of soup but that was all I could manage to keep down. We talked. But not about normal things anymore. Our talk revolved around everything cancer. I played the game that I am so good at playing now which is we didn’t choose the right treatment. If we did, Ronan would still be here. Should we have done this? Should we have done that? We picked the wrong treatment for him. He insists that we did not. He insists the outcome would have been the same, no matter what. I still don’t believe him. But I guess I have little credibility due to being the irrational broken-hearted mama. I don’t need credibility though. I just need someone to figure out this fucking disease. I need the doctors to get a clue as to what it is they are doing so little kids don’t have to sit around playing russian roulette. I’m not stopping until this changes Ro. I promised you that. After the talk about you we moved on to other fun things like Coach Bemis. The coach in AZ who has Stage IV lung cancer and he is NOT a smoker. We moved on to Katie who is the beautiful 15-year-old girl with Rhabdomyosarcoma. We talked about Charlotte, Will, Dr. Sholler, Dr. Mosse, etc….. We will never be the normal couple again who goes to lunch and talks about the weather. We both agreed that this world is fucked. But we left there, holding hands and we’re not letting go. We know what we have to do.

We walked the streets of 23rd for a while. We passed a boy playing his guitar. He was really good. He had his guitar case open so people could throw money in it. He looked to be around 15. He had a sign sitting in his guitar case. It wasn’t the normal sign that read something like, “Help me, I’m hungry.” It simply said, “Help Fight Boredom.” I smiled and laughed as we passed this boy. I looked at your daddy. I had your daddy give me a couple of bucks and I turned around and walked back to this boy. I threw it into his case as well as your little card and your “All good things are wild and free,” bracelet. He said thanks and continued to play. I caught back up to your daddy and we started to walk. I noticed the boys’ guitar playing had stopped. I turned around to watch him read your bracelet. I watched from a far as he read it. He looked up and waved to me, the girl in the yellow coat. I waved back. That boy made me happy today. He reminded me of you. I hope he never gets cured of his boredom. I hope he remains curious to the world and follows his dreams. I hope he has a mom and a dad who know how lucky they are, to have him. I hope he is safe. I hope he is o.k. I hope he is wild and free. This is what I hoped today, Ronan. It felt nice.

Dear lovely little blog reader: I will address your questions but only because you have pissed me off and I am feeling extra spicy today. Here goes dolly.

Why is it ok to take Ambien, but not an anti-depressant? I think you are being slightly hypocritical. You need something to get out of the abyss you are in – other than your youngest son, which, while totally un-fucking fair, will not happen. The fact that you didn’t care if your older sons’ had winter coats speaks volumes. Christmas Eve and you hadn’t bought your twins any presents??? You need some help. You think you might need to check into a hospital…what do you think they are going to do there? I’ll tell you, they will load you up with anti-depressants. They will monitor your food intake and your vomiting. You will lose the control you so relish. The choices will be taken away from you.

You need to talk to a physician. Your constant vomiting is obviously not healthy – don’t your other sons deserve the same mom that lovingly helped her youngest son? While I’m not suggesting you are bulemic, have you ever read what constant vomiting does to your body, your throat, your teeth? Or is this part of your “danger” crusade?

No, I have never lost a child, so I’m sure that will make you totally disregard my opinion, but do you ever re-read your posts? You are on the edge and if you don’t get some perspective, you are going to fall off. Where will that leave your already devastated family?

It is NOT o.k. to take Ambien. For me anyway. I think this drug is the devil. Obviously you are a new reader and have not read all of my posts, therefore you are the one being hypocritical. I talk about this all this time. I hate myself for the fact that I sometimes have to take this drug in order to sleep. Not all the time, but it is during the times that I am struggling the most, when I know the lack of sleep is going to make the crack, so I give in and just take it to get some fucking sleep. It makes me feel mentally weak. It makes me feel like a loser. It makes me feel a lot of things that I hate but sometimes I need a break from the pain and sleep for a solid 6 hours seems to help. This is not always the case and I am proud of the nights that I don’t have to take anything at all. I try every night, not to take that drug but as I said before, sometimes I need a break.

Why is everyone so bothered by me not getting on the antidepressant band wagon? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! If it helps other people, great! But it’s not for me. I did the anti depressant thing for about 6 months and it only made things worse. I have tried it, and I didn’t like it. END OF STORY. The abyss I am in is called my son just died 7 months ago. I am so sorry you are so bothered by this inconvenience. I am so sorry that you are so bothered by the fact that I didn’t care about my twins’ winter fucking coats and Christmas presents this year. Lady, are you high?!?! Are you on crack? Are you even a parent? Probably not. If you are, I am scared for you. The fact that you think the above things above are a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, disturbs me. I’m a good mom. I know this. I will never second guess this and anybody that truly knows me, wouldn’t either. Even if I didn’t go out and buy winter coats or Christmas presents this year. I think I deserve a fucking hall pass for this first Christmas, don’t you? I don’t care if you do or not. I’m taking it.

And no. I do not re read my posts. For obvious reasons. Maybe you should go back to the beginning and read them all though, before you judge and spew your words of concern. I’m going to go now. I’m off to go skydiving while I throw up my breakfast to continue my “danger crusade.” Opps. I didn’t eat breakfast today which must mean I’m anorexic. Clearly. I am aware what this constant vomiting does to my body. I’m not proud of this but it’s not something I can control right now. I guess having a dead son will do that to you. I hope the hospital that I am going to check myself into, can bring him back so it will stop. Have a lovely day, thanks for your concern but I think you need to go back and reread what you wrote and try a little harder to put yourself in my shoes. This is not a dog we are talking about, dying. It is a child. It was my son. It is not something a fucking pill can make better. Or a hospital. G’day lovely little blog reader.

Ro baby. I love you. To the moon and back. I miss you. I hope you are safe. I hope you are wild and free.

xoxo

I’m going to build a little igloo and live in it for the rest of my life.

Ronan. I didn’t make it to boot camp this morning. I didn’t sleep through my alarm or anything. I was already awake. I fell asleep last night around midnight, only to toss and turn. 3:00 a.m. and I was up and there was no putting me back to sleep. It was always the witching hour around here and you passed away around 3:15 a.m. While you were sick, I would wake up at that time, every night, like clockwork. It’s happening again. I softly snuck out of bed, as to not wake up your daddy, and went to your room to look for you. You were not there. I laid down in your bed and pulled the covers over my head and cried for you. I wrote to you. I paced around your room and then the house. I wanted so badly to find you on the couch that one night that I slept in your room with you, and you woke up with one of your bloody noses. I remember waking up in your bed, only to find you weren’t there. I heard noises coming from the living room and I rushed out of your bedroom to find you on the couch. Crying. Holding your nose to get the blood to stop. You were so mad, sad, scared. I picked you up, and fixed you. I held you close and kissed the top of your little bald head and told you everything was going to be alright. I got your bloody nose to stop and tucked you safely back into bed with me. I wanted that moment back so badly last night. But I didn’t get it. Instead, I stayed up until 5:00 a.m., popped another Ambien and then thought about driving to boot camp anyway because I was up. I then remembered the Ambien I had just taken and the image of me driving to boot camp and crashing my car made me re think that idea. I fell asleep until 9 a.m. instead. I woke up to a quiet house as your brothers were still asleep. They soon woke up and I got them ready to start our day.

We ran some errands, went to get shaved ice, saw my favorite Halle at our dry cleaners. I haven’t seen her in forever. She gave me a big hug and asked how I was doing. I told her o.k. She then took me back to show me your picture on her computer. She has it taped to laptop. She told me she kisses her finger every morning and every night and touches your face. I lost it right then and there. She is such a sweet soul and I know she thinks about you all the time. We all do, Ro. After the dry cleaners, we ran some other errands. Your brothers were such good helpers. Until they started wrestling in the store. I looked over and Liam had Quinn in a headlock. Such boys. I miss how you used to always be in the middle of that. After I threatened to take away all of their electronic devices, they stopped. We hurried home after that and we spent the rest of the day swimming outside in the blazing heat. Bloody hell it is hot here. August is miserable. I did my best to keep your brothers entertained and Heidi dropped Luke off to swim and play. We went and had dinner at Chelsea’s tonight. Your favorite place. Luke, Quinn, and Liam discovered that if they put real sugar in a glass bottle of coke, that it would foam up like a volcano and basically explode. It made me laugh and I was only sorry that you weren’t here to see it. It would have been something you would have loved.

Tonight, Luke asked to see you ashes. Quinn was with him in my room and I hesitated for a moment but then I took your urn off of our dresser. I opened it up, concentrating on keeping my hand from shaking and took out the bag that is full of what your body was. It looks like sand. I let Quinn and Luke look at it and I just started to cry. Luke just looked at me and told me it was o.k. I stopped as I know that I am the adult in the situation and I didn’t want an 11-year-old boy to take care of me as I almost passed out on the spot. I hugged Luke instead and told him I loved him. I hugged Quinn too and said the same thing. I put you back in your urn and told the boys to go and play so I could shower. They listened and scurried out of my room.

The rest of the night we hung out at home. We watched the baseball game and your daddy watched me. All your daddy wants to do is talk to me, take care of me, and love me. My wall is up and all I want to do is to be left alone. I told him this. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I feel extreme guilt about the way I am so closed off, to everyone. Everyone except you. You are the only one I want to talk to, scream to, cry to. I know I can’t stay like this forever. I hope I don’t stay like this forever. But everyone expects so much. It’s only been a couple of months….almost 3. The wounds are still so fresh. The wounds are still so deep. The wounds have not healed at all. The time of having you gone is not helping. It’s only hurting me more. I’m going to start a list of all the worst sayings in the world. First on that list is going to be, “Time heals all wounds.” or maybe, “Everything happens for a reason.” Ohhhhh….. I have an even better one…. “Happiness is a choice.” Fuck that. Try saying that to someone that has just taken care of their baby and then watched them die. I’m going to make up some new sayings like my favorite, “Fuck Cancer.” or “If time heals all wounds then you are full of shit.” Or how about “If everything happens for a reason, I really hope your child doesn’t die of cancer.” Seriously, if I ever meet the people who are the one’s who thought of these sayings, I hope they run the other way because I will punch them in the face. Ignorance is bliss, you morons.

I’m getting sassy tonight, Ro. Your daddy told me he misses me. He misses my laugh, my smile, my smart ass mouth. He misses his best friend; that would be me. You know what I told him? I told him I missed you. I told him I want you back. I told him to bring you back. He said if he could he would. He would trade places with you in a second. We all would do that if it meant having you back here. I would give up this life and trade it with you without even blinking an eye. I want to miss your daddy too. But right now, all I feel is the pain of you being gone which in turn leaves me numb and lifeless. I am a walking zombie. If we were living in Zombieland, I would have been put our of my misery by now. Too bad that place doesn’t really exist, I’d be well on my way.

Tomorrow night, Sauce is doing an event for you at their Waterfront Location. Stacy just texted me to see if I am up for going. I told her to ask me tomorrow. I am so thankful that this event is being put on, but I also know how vulnerable I am now. I’m not doing well anywhere. I really want to come out of it though and at least say thank you to everyone who has worked and supported your foundation. I want to be able to give out some good hugs to some special people who have worked behind the scenes on things for you. I want to go and honor you. I just hope I can hold it all together. I hope I don’t wind up in a ball on the floor while your daddy has to carry me out of there. I have to go and put on my prettiest, saddest, bravest, face that I know how to do so well now. Our community is so amazing and they deserve to be able to look into our eyes and know how thankful we are. So Ro baby, is it a date?? I’ll take your Captain Rex with me if you’ll come too. You can even wear your pajamas if you want, I won’t tell:)

I love you baby. I love you to the moon and back. I’m having Ambien issues. My one dose does not seem to be cutting it. Just popped another. I have to get to The Good Doctor this week as I am all out. EMERGENCY!!!!! G’night little man. I love you sooooooooooooooooooooo much. Sweet dreams and I hope you are safe.

xoxo

New York Miss Macy and the Candy Store Girl

Ronan. Hi my baby. Nighttime is here. The stars are out. Everyone is asleep. Slumber party in my bed. I hate the time between now, and when I actually fall asleep. It’s too quiet, too calm, too still,  and too lonely without you. It’s the time when my heart feels the heaviest and my mind is so restless. Thoughts of you being gone fill my head and cannot be stopped. It’s as if my mind is screaming that you are gone, but my heart refuses to believe it. I cannot fully accept what is the truth, as true as it is. The magnitude of life without you is too much to take. This is a big part of why I write to you. I write until I can take no more, until I am so tired, that my mind and body finally give in and sleep comes to me. I have no idea how I am getting through this thing called life, especially with the lack of sleep that now consumes me. Somehow, I just keep on going, trying to do my best to ignore everything that is telling me to stop. I want so badly to stop being strong. I would give anything to have you back and to float through life, without knowing this pain. Who the fuck decided this was my lot in life? I want a refund.

All I can say is thank god for New York Miss Macy. I was this close to jumping off our balcony today. Ok…. not really, but she could not have come at a better time. Your brothers and I need a distraction and some laughs. She provided both of those things today. As soon as she arrived, there were hugs all around. We got her settled in and decided to walk to go and get some lunch. We took her to Burger Lounge, where and we all had lunch. Afterwords, we stopped at the candy store to get some treats. The same candy store that has toy pistols and rifles handing on the walls. All I wanted was for you to be with me so I could buy you one. I imagined you running down the street with us, shooting everyone. I stared at them for a minute and caught myself starting to get choked up. I am so glad for what happened next as it has kept me giggling all night. I watched this scene play out like a movie. Let’s call it: “New York Miss Macy and the Candy Store Girl.” Ready……scene….. ACTION!

– Maya goes to the register to pay for her candy and the grouchy teenaged girl working, gives her the total bill with a scowl on her face. Maya watches as New York Miss Macy is standing next to her and takes a couple of pieces of candy out of her bag, before paying, and starts to eat them. Maya watches as the Candy Store girls eyes glance over to New York Miss Macy and a look of annoyance comes over her face. Maya thinks to herself, “Is the Candy Store girl really getting mad because Macy is eating a few pieces of her bulk candy before she pays??” She decides it is only her imagination as isn’t it a given that you munch on a few pieces of candy before you pay when you go into a  bulk candy store?? Not 3 seconds later, the Candy Store girl looks at Macy and goes, “I’m going to actually need you to PAY for that candy, BEFORE you eat it.” Macy, whom is clueless as to what she was even doing because it is just second nature, looks up and goes, “Um…. what?? Yeah, o.k.” Maya is trying to hide her laugher. Macy pays and we scurried out of the store. As soon as we exited, we burst into laughter. Macy goes, “Wait, did I really just get reprimanded for eating a few pieces of my candy by a 15-year-old girl? What is she, the candy police???” This is so something that would only happen to Macy. It made for a lot of laughs tonight.

After our candy store incident, we continued on our walk back to our condo. As we were all 4 walking back, we were looking out at the ocean. Dolphins appeared. We stopped to watch and ended up climbing down some rocks to sit on the beach for a while. We watched the dolphins and played in the sand and water. We ended up having a sand and water fight because sometimes in life, it just makes sense to do silly things like that. It made perfect sense tonight. You would have loved every second of it. At one point, Liam and Quinn were in the distance, playing, just the two of them. It was surreal to watch and I felt as though I was having an out-of-body experience. I will never get used to it just being the two of them, without you injected in the middle. Nothing is right anymore and nothing makes sense. As we were walking back, I got a text from Danielle. It was if she had read my mind from a few minutes earlier as her wording was almost eerie. Something along the lines of how she wants you back so badly for me that it hurts. How you are the light, the finishing touch, the pistol that keeps me alive. She then ended it with, “Fuck. I hate life.” Danielle is one of those people in my life who just gets it. She gets everything. She has a lifeline to my soul and to yours. Her words brought me comfort, for as sad as they may be; they are always true and real. She takes the time to really sit and think about all of this that we are going through and when we do talk about it, I feel as if she is living inside my mind because she says everything that I am thinking. We have a very strong spiritual connection. Thanks, D. Miss you much.

Now that Macy is here, I was able to get in my run tonight. I was totally unmotivated and dreading it. I almost didn’t go. The little voice in the back of my head would not have shut up if I didn’t. I knew this so I headed out the door and ran a fast 6 miles. It actually ended up being a really good run. I’ve missed the pain and release of running these past few days. I broke my record on my NIKE iPhone app for my fastest 10k. Guess I was feeling it after all. I returned feeling better and hopped in the shower before we started movie night. The boys and I decided that we would introduce Macy to one of our favorite movies, Ro. “Zombieland.” She had never seen it and it had her laughing within seconds of turning it on. The more I watch that movie, the more I love it. Seriously, Top 10 favorite movies of all time for me. She loved it too. I knew that during all that laugher, one thing was going to get to her. That one line that will forever cut like a knife. “Take away a man’s son, and you’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.” I watched her wipe the tears from her eyes. I’ve decided that I would like to live in Zombieland because this normal life without you is for the birds. If I have to live without you, I would rather do it by being a badass and killing Zombies than living in this painful life that now exists. At least I would have a lot of things to take my anger out on, besides myself and the nobody who answers to me. The nobody that is to blame, the invisible being that took you away. Somebody should have to answer to me and to explain why. I hate that nobody can give me a reason for this because there should be a reason. If you had to be taken away, I want to know why. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to figure out why this happened to you, but I don’t know how I can ever come to peace with any of this unless I have somewhat of an answer. Gee, fuckwad. Thanks for the fucking journey that I now get to figure out in life. Thanks for taking my beautiful life and smashing it into a million pieces. I HATE YOU.

But I love you, Ro. I love you to the moon and back. I am still here, despite my pleas to you. I’ll stay here for as long as you want me to be. I know I have to help change the way of this disease for you. Everything I do in my life will be for you. Everything I have done in my life since the birth of you and your brothers, has always been done by putting you all first. I was so happy to do this. It brought me such happiness. Now, I have to go on and continue to do what I have been doing for so long, which is being a mom; without you. I will continue to do this but I will never stop feeling like I have a limb missing. As well as a big chunk of my heart. This is permanent. These scars are not going anywhere. I don’t know how people say they fade either. If anything, I think they just get worse. They are for me anyway. To each his own.

I love you baby. I love you so, so much. I miss you every second of the day. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

                             Family Forever

New York Miss Macy, Quinny, Mama Maya, and Li Li

Losing you is like somebody just turned all the lights off

Ronan. I had a bad day. A day where I didn’t get out of bed until 1 or so this afternoon. I am in a funk and I can’t seem to shake it. I cannot shake being in this condo, which as I told you before, is exactly like the one we stayed in when you were so little. Everywhere I turn, I expect you to come running into the room. I think about you 24 hours a day. Today, everywhere we went, I was reminded of you. I hope someday this makes me happy, but as of now, it only brings me to tears. We had a family day out today. Once I was able to get myself out of bed that is. I tried so hard to enjoy life today, but the screaming in my head kept me from doing so. I can put on a good enough show to fool your brothers though. Thank god I’m such an amazing actress.

We took your brothers for pizza and wound up at the movies and saw, “Kung Foo Panda 2,” together. Seeing a movie used to be one of my favorite things to do. Now, it is so hard for me to sit still and focus on a thing and I was so grateful when your daddy asked for a refill for our soda,  so I could be the one to get up and get it. Before all of this, it was always your daddy’s job to refill our pop for us. Just something silly that I would always insist on him doing. Now, I happily was the one to do this for him tonight. I was crawling out of my skin during that movie. At one point, I started to cry. I was sitting between your daddy and Quinn. Quinn was holding my hand and saw the tears. He just took my hand and kissed it. I kissed the top of his head and told him I loved him. The movie was actually really cute. I know you would have loved it. It was all about finding your inner peace to be the best you can be in life. What I wouldn’t give for that. I used to have total inner peace. It is so hard to finally achieve that in life and then to have it ripped away over circumstances that you have no control over. You were the creator of my inner peace. You completed it all. Will I now forever be tortured, destroyed, and half of a person?? Walking around so numb and in so much pain that I am just thankful to make it though another day without you just so I can go to sleep in hopes of seeing you. Because that is what my life is now. I am trying my best to find the joy in the beautiful things that surround me, but the world seems so ugly without you. It’s as if the blue sky has disappeared, the birds have stopped singing, and the sun has stopped shining. I am thinking I am becoming severely depressed as I’m so tired of this life without you.

We are not going to Washington this summer to see Nana and Papa. It’s the first time that I haven’t been home during the summer in 18 years. Washington summers, especially after I had you boys, has always been one of my favorite places in the world. And to think last year, when we were there, your little body was so invaded with cancer. And we had no idea. We had the BEST time, just soaking up nature and enjoying the simplicity that comes with being there. It has always been such a peaceful place for me but this year, the thought of going there is much too painful for me to process. I’m so sad about missing the time with your Nana and Papa Jim as having you boys there for the summer makes their entire year. I feel like I’ve let your brothers down as they have been asking to go. I told them maybe for Fall Break. I tried to explain why I can’t take them there, but I don’t think they truly understand. I suppose anywhere we go, is going to be painful. But for some reason the thought of going to Washington without you is something I am not ready for. To be in my old bedroom, from when I was a teenager, where we spent every year, for the past 3 years together, snuggled up in my old bed…… I just can’t do it as of now. I don’t have the strength and that whole inner peace thing that I am now lacking would eat me alive if I were there. I’m sad about it and you know how much I am going to miss the time with Nana and Papa Jim. It is the first summer of missing so many things. Most of all, you.

So, I started reading this book called, “Growing up in Heaven.” I’m about 60 pages into it and I am really trying to keep an open mind about it as well as the author, as he claims to be a Medium whom can bring to light the journey of children who have passed from earth to heaven. You know I am all for that Medium stuff and I was hoping this book would give me some peace of mind. The first chapter or so, I was really getting into it. I then made the mistake of Googling this James Van Praagh guy as I was convinced that I needed to seek him out, asap, so he could help me get to you. Bad idea. As soon as I got to this guys website, I was instantly turned off. There was NOTHING authentic about it. It’s all glitz and glamour…. and it felt fake and phony. But guess what? For the small price of 4 grand, I can take a cruise with this dude and he will do a reading for me! I think I said it best when I sent a text today and it said how I was reading this book and how I was about to call BULLSHIT on James Van Praagh and his exceptional gift for communicating with the dead. So, I’m guilty. I’m totally judging a book by it’s cover. I’m a skeptic. Not because I don’t believe in things like this, because I truly do think that there are many people who are blessed with extra spiritual gifts in this world. But this man is talking about how the child’s spirit just comes to him and he is able to see them plain as day. I wish I could say thank you to this man because according to him, you are up in heaven, where everything is white and colorful, riding a fucking Shetland pony, all while getting an education AND helping others. If he would have left shit like that out, I may have bought what this guy is selling. Some of what he says, seems to be spot on with what I believe in about a person’s soul…. but the other stuff just seems like smoke and mirrors to me. He sure does have the part down about the grieving parent role though. Although, it is not rocket science. No shit that I feel like I have lost my identity, that I am in a robotic state, that I am numb. And no shit that physical fitness is a wonderful way to deal with stages of grief because I HAD NO IDEA that exercise releases endorphins into the bloodstream! This guy  is a genius!!! Oh Ro….. I have no idea where this feistiness from me has come from tonight…. you must be hanging around, channeling it into me. I loved it when I would call you feisty and you would scream back to me, “I NOT SPICY!” Still makes me laugh on the inside all of the time. I miss your little voice and how you would call me, “Mama.” Never mommy or Mom. Always mama. I miss it so much.

Anyway, back to the book baby. I’m being awful about it. But I’m going to finish it and I hope that I do end up believing in this guy because I would love nothing more, besides the obvious like you coming back, than to think that you are up in heaven, playing with your pony, helping others, and that you are so happy and free. I would love for that to be the truth because if you cannot be here with me, that is exactly where I would want you to be. Except the pony thing is a little weird. I’d rather have you playing with Master Yoda and Captain Rex instead.

I’m tired tonight my sweet boy. I’m going to take my Ambien and go to sleep with your brother, Quinn, who is right next to me. I love you so much. To the moon and back, forever and ever. Just you and me. Sweet dreams my monkey. I hope you are safe. You are forever loved.

xoxo

Just you and me

Ronan. Just another day without you. I wish I could tell you that I am o.k. But, I’m not. I’m just sad. I’m swimming in a sea of sadness and am barely staying afloat. This morning, I took your brothers to surf camp. I sat and watched them for the 3 hours and pushed them as they both complained about the ocean being too cold, etc….. I was the mean mommy that told them to suck it up. My tolerance for their complaining today was at an all time low. At one point, Quinn came in and didn’t want to go back into the ocean. He wanted to stop surfing for the day. I brought up you and how hard you fought for every second of your life. I talked to him about life and how important it is to not give up and to keep fighting. I told him how you would give anything to be living still and if you were having a hard time at something, that you would have never have given up. But life is not fair and now you don’t get to run around, never taking no for an answer, all while pushing every limit, every boundary that came your way. You were just born different from most people, Ronan. Your daddy and I say it all the time. You had a fire and such strength in your soul. That’s  why we were so convinced that you would beat your stupid fucking cancer. I’ve never met a boy stronger than you and I still can’t believe that everything ended so quickly.

After my “get your ass back into the water,” pep talk….. but in a much nicer way, Quinn finished up his class. I don’t know if I’m pushing too hard, but that’s just the way it goes. Your brothers need to learn a little something about fighting to become the best people they can be. To appreciate everything that they are able to do. To never take a second of life for granted. I have no tolerance for whining and complaining anymore. I know what it’s like to watch a little boy go through treatments for cancer and how you never once complained about anything. Except for missing your brothers and just wanting to be home. Complaining about things in our life now just won’t exist anymore, unless it has to do with missing you. That’s the only thing any of us should every complain about. Anything else can be fixed, problem solved, or worked through.

After the boys’ surf lesson, we hit up the hot tub and than came up for lunch. Liam crashed out for a nap, Quinn rested as well and I took my surfboard and headed out for a couple of hours. It was cold, but I welcomed the angry ocean with open arms today. It felt good to be out there and I got tossed around a bit. Coronado is a great place to learn how to surf and the quiet time out in the ocean, when I paddled past the waves to think about you, was nice. After I surfed, I came back up to the condo and hung out with your daddy and brothers. Later in the evening, we went out to our usual spot so your daddy could cook up our dinner. There were a bunch of dolphins out in the water this evening. We spotted about 5 or 6. They were so beautiful and I of  course thought of you. I was than overcome with anger and thought to myself that it was bullshit that a sign from you, had to come in the form of a dolphin. I don’t want any signs…. I just want you. Back with us, the way things should be. I tried to be happy about seeing those dolphins tonight, but it only made me sad and miss you more. You did leave me a lot of signs today, which I am thankful for. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, Ro. I love all your little signs, but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. Sometimes it hurts more.

After dinner, we came back up to the condo and although it was late…. 9:30, I headed out for my run. (sorry Mr. Sparky Eyes) I promised him I wouldn’t run late at night anymore, due to an encounter I had with some creepy man a few nights ago; but I had to go tonight. It’s the restlessness in me that never goes away. I ran 7 miles…. all the way over to the Coronado Bridge and back. It felt good, it hurt, and I of course thought about you a lot. Sometimes, when I am thinking about you, it hurts so bad that I cannot even cry. I was thinking about being at The Ryan House with you and I felt like I was going to stop breathing as I still can’t come to the realization that you are gone. I think I have Post-traumatic stress disorder. For real.

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you’ve seen or experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur soon after a major trauma, or it can be delayed for more than 6 months after the event. When it occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. However, some people have a longer-term form of PTSD, which can last for many years.

PTSD can occur at any age and can follow a natural disaster such as a flood or fire, or events such as war, a prison stay, assault, domestic abuse, or rape. The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, in the United States may have caused PTSD in some people who were involved, in people who saw the disaster, and in people who lost relatives and friends. These kinds of events can produce stress in anyone, but not everyone develops PTSD.

The cause of PTSD is unknown, but psychological, genetic, physical, and social factors are involved. PTSD changes the body’s response to stress. It affects the stress hormones and chemicals that carry information between the nerves (neurotransmitters). Having been exposed to trauma in the past may increase the risk of PTSD.

Having good social support helps to protect against PTSD. In studies of Vietnam veterans, those with strong support systems were less likely to get PTSD than those without social support.

People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.

Symptoms

People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.

Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. Repeated “reliving” of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

  • Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again
  • Recurrent distressing memories of the event
  • Repeated dreams of the event
  • Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event

2. Avoidance

  • Emotional “numbing,” or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
  • Feelings of detachment
  • Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
  • Lack of interest in normal activities
  • Less expression of moods
  • Staying away from places, people, or objects that remind you of the event
  • Sense of having no future

3. Arousal

  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Exaggerated response to things that startle you
  • Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
  • Irritability or outbursts of anger
  • Sleeping difficulties

You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including “survivor guilt”), and the following symptoms, which are typical ofanxiety, stress, and tension:

  • Agitation, or excitability
  • Dizziness
  • Fainting
  • Feeling your heart beat in your chest (palpitations)
  • Fever
  • Headache
  • PalenessYup. That pretty much sums me up. Except for the paleness, but that is only due to the sunny Cali weather:)

I thought about the lecture I was going to get from Mr. Sparkly Eyes about running so late at night and thought about how I would tell him that I was sorry; but fear is a word that doesn’t exist in my vocabulary anymore. I have already lived through the thing I was most scared of in my life. So now what? What else do I have to fear? Nothing. Of course, I worry about your brothers and Daddy, but when it comes to me… I just don’t give a fuck. I’m not going to live my life being scared of anything anymore because I know whatever else is thrown my way, will be nothing compared to losing you. So , I will run my runs when I want, say the things I feel, swim in the ocean at night, and not be scared. It’s actually very freeing and liberating. To live a life of not being scared of things is how all people should live, otherwise what’s the point? Before all of this, I don’t know if I would have ever taken up surfing, because I was scared of sharks. And forget about running the dark. I used to make up things in my head to be scared of. Well, I’m done with that. At 33 years old, after losing you, I’m done with fear. I’m going to live my life the way you would have lived yours. Head on, embracing every adventure and pushing the limits for the most beautiful outcomes. I will live my life this way for you, because I know as an adult, this is the way you would have grown up to be. Life would have been scared of you.

I came home to your daddy and brothers watching a movie and soon Quinn was ready for bed. We came into our room and as soon as we turned on the T.V. guess what was on, Ro. “Zombieland.” One of our very favorite movies that we used to watch all the time. That’s where you got the saying, “Just you and me,” from. Another one of your little signs. That was one of our favorite things to do in the hospital was watch that movie on your iPad. Quinn watched it for the first time tonight and laughed a lot. It’s a little mature for him, but he has had so much of his innocence taken away that I let him watch it anyway. We cuddled up and watched it together. I held him extra tight for you.

We say goodnight to you every night. Do you hear us?? I hope you do. I’m going to say goodnight now baby. We have an early camp tomorrow again, hoping those brothers will pick up a little more passion and zest for the opportunities that they are given. I just want them to be thankful for being on this earth everyday, with 2 parents who are so broken, but are somehow managing to make this summer as good as it can possibly be. It’s a lot of work, but as a family, we have to do this. For all of us. I know it is what you would want.

I love you little man. I love you to the moon and back. As I was running tonight, I stopped and blew a kiss up to the moon and said, “I love you, Ronan.” I hope you heard me. Life is so precious and I know it doesn’t’ seem like it now, but I am not going to let it swallow me whole. I promise I will start living it again when I am ready. But ready is not now, and I don’t know when it will ever be. I need more time to pass between your death. I still cry all the time, but mostly over being with you that final night and saying goodbye to you. I still tell myself it just can’t be true. You were true and all I wanted was you. Forever. What am I supposed to do without you my little bug?? As of now, I don’t want to do anything except survive and not totally fuck up your brothers with the crazy shit that goes though my head. All I can do is be present for them and do the little things for them that I know mean so much. I will deal with them first, and myself later. I can wait. The damage done to them cannot be undone, which is why when we get back to AZ, therapy will become a big part of our lives. I have to be proactive about this and it is something we are going to have to do as a family, together.

I also forgot to tell you a funny story from last night. I took Quinn to dinner, on a date. We had finished up and we were walking out of the restaurant and there was a family of 5 sitting on the bench and standing up, smoking. I was holding on to Quinn’s had and I looked at them, straight in the eyes, and said, “Smoking causes cancer,” and kept walking. I thought Quinn was going to fall over. It’s like I have no censor anymore and he wanted to know if we were going to get into trouble for saying that. I said for what, “For speaking the truth? Ronan got cancer because he didn’t have a choice.” The fact that people in this day and age, take it upon themselves to smoke, knowing what the risks are, pisses me off. I’m sensitive to this, especially now. I wanted to say, “You should get cancer, not my 4-year-old child who didn’t do a thing wrong in this world.” You make the choice to suck on those freaking cancer sticks, then suffer the consequences. My child had to suffer for not a god damn reason at all except for bad luck. If anyone deserved to live, it was you baby. I will never stop thinking that. This whole things turned out so unbelievably wrong. For everyone involved. Everyone misses you Ronan. Even though you are gone, you are still changing lives. I promise you, a cure for this will be found before I die. I know I made you a lot of promises, but I promise to keep this one. I owe it to you and all the other little babies out there. Give me some time. Some time to mourn you, but when I feel ready….watch out cancer world. You’ve fucked with the wrong mommy and baby team. You are going to be sorry, but it will never be sorry enough for having to lose you over Ro. I will be sorry about that everyday for the rest of my life. Your fire now burns in my soul, you live with me, in my body. I know you may go away now and again, but when you want to come home, I know this is where your soul rests. I feel you all the time.

This is all for tonight my little monkey man. I love you to the moon and back a million times over. Just you and me, baby:) Sweet dreams. Go and visit some of your favorite people. Nighty Night baby boy.

xoxo

“Take away a man’s son. You’ve truly given him nothing left to lose.” Quote from Zombieland

Serenity now

Deep breaths and an amazing friends have gotten me through this past 24 hours. We were admitted into the ER last night around 9:00 due to Ronan’s low grade fever. I didn’t have to wait in the waiting room of the ER; THANK GOD. It was beyond packed even at 9:00 at night. The doctor on call, called ahead to let them know I was bringing Ronan in. As soon as we arrived, I told them our name and we were taken back into a room in the ER. Ronan was really not feeling well and was so tired. He passed out pretty quickly as the nurses checked all his vital signs and drew his labs. My friend, Fernanda, sent me a text to say she was on her way to sit with me because she did not want me sitting alone. She came armed with Starbucks and a big hug. We sat for the next 5 hours, trying to get Ronan into a room on one of the floors. Fernanda was on a war path…. but in the sweetest way so. There was nothing the nurses/doctors could do as they kept telling us all of the rooms were full on the floors 2 and 3, which is where we were supposed to be going. We used every trick in the book and Fernanda even tried to bribe one of the nurses with some Oreos that she bought in the vending machine. Didn’t work, but we got a chuckle out of it anyway. Finally around 3:15 a.m., the nurse said we would just have to spend the night in the tiny, freezing cold ER room. I was not a happy camper, have been saying some not so nice words, but have now relaxed due to Ronan looking and feeling 100 times better than when I brought him in here. Dr. Maze came and helped me out around 8 a.m. by using his very charming/stern words to explain that we needed a room asap. An hour later we were whisked off to the 3rd floor. Thank god for that man.

I got about 3 hours of sleep last night and I’m sure Fernanda didn’t get much more, but guess who was here at 9:30 a.m. to bring me coffee and keep me company? She was. Did I mention that my darling Fernanda has 5 gorgeous children of her own all under the age of 7?? Talk about an amazing woman and friend. Ronan didn’t even mind her being here and that is unheard of with him! I ran home to shower while Fernanda stayed with him. Made my day! He always throws a fit when I leave him, but was completely fine with this friend of mine whom he hardly knows. After I returned back here, Fernanda left and I thanked Ronan for letting me go home to shower. He said to me, “Your welcome, I like your friend.” So sweet!!!! He also was sure to tell me how much he missed and and how he loves me to the moon and back. Ahhhhh, little man!!! That more than made up for the recliner chair I had to sleep in last night and my seriously jacked up back today:) He seems to be feeling much better but just as I suspected, his ANC is at 0 and he needs blood. We will be here for most of the week I suspect. Fernanda…. I’m never going to stop telling you thank you for being such an amazing friend to me. And stop with saying it’s nothing…. because it is, and it means everything to me! I am so blessed to call you my friend. I love you.

Sarah came over this morning to help get the boys ready for school and to take them as well. Thank you so much, Sarah the Saint. Auntie Karen picked the monkeys up from school with her daughter Olivia and took them home to do homework and then to get some dinner until Woody got home from work. Thank you both so much; I am so thankful that Liam and Quinn are in such good hands.

I am running on empty and have downed 2 giant cokes, 2 coffees, and a ton of water. My typical hospital meals. Ronan is sleeping now and they are getting ready to pre medicate him for his blood transfusion. I am trying my best to channel all of the inner peace and strength I have for this weeks hospital stay. I am calmer than normal and it has everything to do with the fact that Ronan seems pretty happy to be here. I found myself thinking selfish things today like, I so need a massage, a pedicure, a spa day, a bath and 12 hours of sleep to feel better. It turns out I needed none of those things because just having Ronan acting somewhat like his normal self and being so loving and sweet to me, made all of the whining and complaining I was doing in my head, disappear. I think he was feeling really crummy at home and now that he is starting to feel better I can see him coming back to me. He is comprehending so much these days for only being 3 1/2. He is confused as to why we are on the 3rd floor and keeps asking for his normal nurses like Sara, Arica, Danny, Kathy, and Amy. I tried to explain to him that it is because he has a little cough that we have to be on the third floor for the time being. With it being RSV season, any little sign of a cough and you are banned from the 2nd floor. Tonight, he was telling me about all the people that take care of him and who love him. He named Dr. Wood, Dr. Maze, Sharon, “A,” and then he goes and Dr. La Quaglia took the big Death Star (he calls his tumor the death star from Star Wars) out of my tummy. He even pronounced his name right which was so dang cute. Ronan is so smart and doesn’t miss a beat. I’ve got to start watching what I say around that kid:) We have had a great night together but are so beyond tired. I’m hoping to get a little sleep as I am exhausted from the happenings of last night and the 3 hours of sleep I am running on.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be even better as he starts to get his strength and health back. We’ve got to get him well before transplant and I would like to be able to enjoy our time at home before we go in for the long haul. Thanks for checking in and keeping Ro baby in your prayers and thoughts. We are so lucky to have all of you thinking of him. G’nite sweet friends. G’nite Daddy Woo. Hope you are enjoying our big bed all to yourself:) Miss you.

xoxo

Open Your Eyes

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won’t waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I’m getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won’t feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
‘Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you’ll open your eyes [x4]

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
‘Cause they don’t get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we’ll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
‘Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you’ll open your eyes [x8]

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won’t waste a minute without you