Come home, Ro


Ronan. It’s 3 a.m. I’ve been tossing and turning all night long. No amount of Ambien will help. I walk past your room. Did somebody come and steal you in the middle of the night? You’re not here. Somebody must have kidnapped you, because the thought of you dying of cancer is just too far fetched. I must be dreaming. Did I really just spend the last 8 months in hospitals with you, only to have you disappear? How can that be??

Your bed is perfectly made. I crawl in it. I sob uncontrollably. Please let me wake up from this nightmare. I’m tired of being in hell. Please don’t let me be in this empty room without you. I can’t stand being apart from you. Please don’t let this tortured life drag on without you. I can’t take it. It’s too much.

Nothing is better. Please come back. All of your toys are just sitting here, waiting for you. I’m just sitting here, waiting for you. I’ll wait forever. I don’t know what to do without you. Nobody gets it. Nobody understands, except you. I try to think of you, happy. But I know you’re not. You are not happy because we are apart, and that was not how this was supposed to be. We were supposed to be together, always; until it was my time to go, not yours.

Where are you? What are you doing? Who is taking care of you? Who watches you sleep at night? Who makes sure you brush your teeth? It’s not me anymore. I can’t take not being that person for you. I was your everything and you were mine. How am I supposed to move forward, without you, Ro? I’m trying so hard, but everyday I wind up feeling as if I’m being left behind.

I miss you so much. Please come home. I love you, Ro. I hope you are safe.

xo

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15 thoughts on “Come home, Ro

  1. M.N.

    Dear Maya,
    I have been reading your blog for a long time, but have never posted a comment. Yours is the only blog I read, in fact, because it is has touched my life so much. I have thought of many things that I would write to you, realizing that no matter what anyone says, you will still feel such grief and loss.
    As a stranger living across the US, I could truly FEEL the love that you feel for your boys, and for Ronan. It is palpable. I can only imagine how much he must have felt it, in real life. I know that he did, and I know that he felt the true magnitude of your love, because all of us reading your words do, too. That is something that will never go away and I truly believe he still feels it. I hope that that extraordinary love between you and your sons (all three) will get you through this.
    Whatever your religious beliefs are (or are not), Ronan IS safe and he is no longer in any pain. He is still with you, and that unbelievable love is your bond. I truly believe that you will see him again someday, and then you will know how peaceful and happy he is-and it is because of you and your never ending love that you showed him each day that he was with you.
    I hope you realize that there are thousands of strangers that are routing for you, praying for you and supporting you. You and your family are not alone and you will get through this. Believe in yourself as you did that beautiful little boy.
    With love from a stranger whose life you have truly touched.

  2. Katie R

    Maya – I truly believe your Ronan is in a safe place. I will continue to pray for your healing and for your family to heal.

    Hugs to you Maya!!

  3. Taura Amor

    Maya, I can’t begin to imagine the pain you are dealing with at this very moment and my heart goes out to you. There are no words that I can say that will make this go away but I will keep, as I do every night, in my prayers. Praying for your strength, for guidance, for healing and praying that Ro holds you tight and lets you know some way, some how that he’s still with you at all times…. hoping for a better day…..

  4. Jaime Harris

    I’m so sorry Maya. I feel so sad for your huge loss. I hope you can have a little faith that Ronan is happy, healthy, whole because he is in heaven. Jesus refered to heaven as “Paradise”, no more pain, tears, suffering. I pray you can have some peace, hope. Sending tons of love and prayers your way! I hope Ronan gives you little signs of his presense throughout your day, each day, enough to get you through and for you to feel the peace that he is ok! xoxo

  5. Laura

    All my love, thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family. I am so sorry that coming home has been so hard. Ronan is watching over you, he is now your guardian angel. He is always there for you, he lives in your heart and the hearts of so many. All our love. I have been there where no amout of Valium or ambiem will help. Therapy, yoga, running, family, friends will get you through this time period. All our love.

  6. sara maurer

    Maya….I am so sorry. I know I dont understand your pain, and there is nothing I can do. I look through your pictures of Ronan on Facebook, and just cry. He was so beautiful. I am so sad for your loss.

    I live right next to Radys Children’s Hospital in San Diego, I think I may go volunteer. You and Ronan have inspired me to do so. I remember living in Phoenix and thinking how pretty the PCH was also. I feel like such a jerk now. I am so very unaware of what goes on inside the beautiful building.

    Hang in there, I will pray your days get easier and you have some peace, I will pray for you all.

    I hope tomorrows event is awesome! I have it as my FB status hoping some of my Phoenix friends will go.

    I hope today is better.

    Sara

  7. Pingback: Shannon’s Turn. « Team Hope Chest

  8. Veronica

    Hi Maya,

    I don’t know you, but your pain burns inside of me. I am a mommy of 3 little boys too. I feel the love that you feel for your boys. I wish I could give you a big hug and take all your pain away.

    Even though I am just a random stanger to you, I wanted to let you know that I saw a beautiful dolphin swimming in the ocean over the weekend. It was frolicking in the water as my boys were playing. I thought of Ronan instantly, he was swimming by to say hello to my boys. My oldest son couldn’t stop staring at it, he was amazed and so was I.

    I hope your day goes well,

    Veronica

  9. Cheska

    There are no words that could convey the sadness I feel after reading this. My heart hurts.

    I had a dream once that my daughter died (this is when she was around four). I remember feeling this incredible anguish and despair and when I woke my face was covered in tears. I cried for hrs and was so thankful it was just a dream.

    It is not a dream for you, it is a parents worst nightmare realized, and I cannot imagine having to endure that anguish 24/7. I am so, so sorry. It is a cruel world we live in.

    Ronan — too precious for this world, yet too precious not to be in it.

    {{{hugs}}}

  10. Pamela

    I have been worried about you being home again. It’s hard to understand how you can even breathe. Keep on writing. We will keep on reading. Love and hugs.

  11. michelle

    I am wearing a pair of shoes.

    They are ugly shoes.

    Uncomfortable shoes.

    I hate my shoes.

    Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

    Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

    Yet, I continue to wear them.

    I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

    They are looks of sympathy.

    I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

    They never talk about my shoes.

    To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

    To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

    But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

    I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

    There are many pairs in this world.

    Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

    Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.

    Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

    No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

    Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

    These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

    They have made me who I am.

    I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

    (i thought of you when i read this ) !!!

  12. Lynn Evans

    I give you a big long hug to absorb your pain and sorrow. Live for Quinn, Liam and Woody. They are deserving of your full self and will help you through this. See Ronan in them and as they are all a part of Ro and he is in them. Deep breath girl.
    Luv and Hugs.

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