What am I doing?? Not sleeping.

UGH. I should be sleeping. I can feel myself getting tired. I tried to sleep. I really did. I cuddled up with Ronan and he was sooooo snuggly. He soon fell asleep. I did not. As soon as I started to drift off, the nurses started coming in and out. Checking his fluids, blood pressure, giving him his anti-nausea meds, and they finally started the chemo around 1:00 a.m. This means we will be here until Saturday now. I’m not complaining. I’m not going to have a breakdown like last time. I am seriously thankful that we are moving ahead. I am thankful that he is strong enough to start round 5. One more round after this, which we will do in New York City, and Ronan will be finished with all of his chemo. I think it is going to be bittersweet. I have learned to depend on the chemo just for the fact that I know it is killing his cancer. Being off of it seems a bit scary to me. All of the unknown of all of this is scary. I just have to remember deep breaths and one day at a time. This baby is so precious to me. I guess I have such a strong bond with him because he is my last baby. Even though I would have 10 more if Woody would let me;) Kidding, but I do love being a mommy and having babies. I think it is the greatest gift on earth and I am so proud to be the mommy to 3 amazing boys.

I am a little freaked out by something. Maybe not freaked out, but I don’t know how to explain it…. So I’ll just tell you. Every summer, when I am in Washington I take my journals home with me and write my heart out. I write about things we are doing, funny things the boys have said or done, what I am feeling, etc….. I take my time in Washington and just purify my soul. It is very slow paced there, very peaceful, very quiet and I have a lot of time to reflect on things. A few weeks ago, I remembered something I had written in one of my journals while I was in Washington and I couldn’t remember if it was real or not. I went and dug it out and sure enough, in my writing, there it was. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, grabbing my journal, and scribbling down, “This is going to be the hardest year of your life. If you can make it through this, you can make it through anything.” I’ve been thinking about this non-stop now, since I went and re-read it. It is freaking me out. How in the world did I have such a strong feeling about something that it caused me to wake up in the middle of the night and write it down. I don’t know what possessed me to write such a thing, but it was written in early August. Ronan was diagnosed August 12. I never thought this would be what I was up against. But it is… and I’m not sure what this all means; but somehow I knew it was fucking coming. And I know I have to fight my hardest and pour everything I have into Ronan, Woody, Liam and Quinn. Ronan will beat this, we will survive this as a family, and we will win. We will have a positive story to tell after all of this is said and done. Ronan is the strongest little boy out there, and I know if anyone can beat this, it is him. He is fighting everyday and will never stop. I, as his mommy, will never stop. The outcome of this will be beautiful and life changing. It just has to be.

2 a.m. O.K. Really going to try to get some rest. Thanks for listening to me, thank you for being my outlet. G’nite, again<3

8 responses to “What am I doing?? Not sleeping.”

  1. That’s crazy and awesome at the same time! Sound like God was talking to you.
    You are right– you guys WILL WIN this battle, and you most definitely be stronger because of it. Keep fighting, an we’ll all keep praying 🙂

  2. Good God Maya. This post was amazing. I have shivers running down my spine and tears in my eyes. You are AMAZING! For some reason this was meant to be and you will prevail! Keep being strong and keep writing. You are making a difference!

  3. Mother’s Intuition, listen to that at all times. You seem to really be in touch with yourself. Consider it a gift and just listen!!! I hope this week is super speedy and uneventful for your little man and your family. I hope that your surgery is scheduled quickly in NY too. Please feel free to reach out about NY when and if you need. I’m friends with Melissa D and Gay. I’m born and raised in NY and have lots of contacts in and around NYC. I’m happy to help if you need.

  4. Wow… Intuition is amazing…

  5. I am really feeling like I should be praying for families in general today and your advice is even more proof of that..since there is a Jewish holiday coming up very soon..my belief is there will be an “Open Heaven”…I have learned to ask any extra special requests at these times of the year…so my prayers will be family focused..what would YOU ask of your Heavenly Father? He hears us all the time but this is a very special time to honor Him with special requests..call me crazy..couldn’t hurt. Another chance for Him to show His glory!

  6. That is a great quote Maya! I hope you still journal even in this chaotic time. Get some sleep and see you soon. Keep on trucking 🙂 xo

  7. Your heart apparently knew what was coming, just like it knows now that Ronan is going to fight and win. You’re doing great and we are cheering for you all everyday. Rest. You both deserve it.

  8. Its so amazing how god seems to let us no what lies ahead but like u said and I also believe you guys will make it through this struggle and come out stronger in the end god bless and keep up the fight and I will keep praying

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