Ronan. 3:00 a.m. Like clockwork, my eyes pop open, even though I have just fallen asleep a few hours ago. 3:00-4:45 I lay in bed, tossing, turning, thinking, crying, screaming inside of my head. I take another Ambien. I get up. Wander around the house, look outside, check on your brothers, do some laundry, peak inside of your room. You are not here. I crawl in your bed anyway. Somebody has been playing in here. Some of your Star Wars figures are on your bed. I’ll bet you it was Liam.
Liam and Quinn are all snuggled on the top bunk of their bed, where Liam sleeps. Quinn is notorious for crawling up there in the middle of the night to sleep with him. He has always done this. It brings me comfort, to know they find comfort in each other. Their twin bond is remarkable and I am so grateful for that. They need it more in life now than ever. Your daddy is fast asleep. I don’t ever wake him when I can’t sleep. Even when I need to reach out to him most, I can’t. I would rather be alone and sit in your room. I would rather just be with you. I don’t like your daddy to see me when I am hurting the most. It makes me sad that he has to see me this way because I know it hurts him. It’s as if he’s not only lost you, but me as well. I hope someday I can come back. I see bits and pieces of me here and there, but I am mostly just dead. Just like you, Ro. No amount of love can bring me back right now. I’m dead and lost and continue to wander though this so called life.
It’s light out now. Sleep is calling my name again. These few hours that I wake up for you, are for a reason, I’m sure of it. It cannot just because of the sheer pain of missing you. You have to be trying to tell me something. I’m so sad. I miss you so much. Even your memories are painful to me. As I stare out your bedroom window, I wish so much that you were out there, running in the gravel, throwing rocks, playing with the hose. I feel like a trapped animal that will never be able to escape this cage that I now live in. Freedom will never be mine again, for the rest of my life, I will live like this. Anxious, lost, scared, and sad. I have been moved out of my normal habitat completely and into the life of another. An institution.
Ronan. Hi baby. I started that last night…or early morning when I couldn’t sleep. I’m still here. Still walking through this life without your tiny hand to hold on to. It’s not fun. I took your brothers out for most of the day. We ran errands. It was so bloody hot out. AZ in August is the worst. I took them to get haircuts. We went to the same place I always take them. The same place I used to take you. It’s been awhile since I’ve been there. The boy who was ringing us up, couldn’t find your brothers’ names in the system. He was scrolling through the computer…… they weren’t in there, but you were. Quinn saw your name. He goes, “Mom, it says Ronan Thompson.” I told Coop, the boy that cut your brother’s hair, that you were my other son, so to put your brothers info under your name. He asked where you were. UGH. This question is never going to get easier. I had to say it again. Say the words that will never get easier to me. Sunglasses on, tears pouring; I told him that you had passed away. He didn’t know what to say. I don’t think he remembered you, as we hadn’t been there in a couple of years. I told him that he used to cut your hair. I watched his face as it was overcome with an uneasiness that is never easy for me to see. Here I was, the one who was crying; I am the one who lost my son….. but all I wanted to do was give this kid a big hug and tell him it was o.k. That he didn’t need to be sad or sorry because everything was going to be alright. I wanted to tell him how thankful I was that he ever had the privilege of meeting you, and cutting your beautiful hair, even though he didn’t remember. I had to remain calm and somewhat composed, so instead I just gave him his tip, a smile, and told him thank you and we would see him soon. You truly are everywhere I go. As much as it hurts, it is pain that I welcome in my life. At least I know I won’t ever be without you, even though I am.
Today was a hard day. I’m not going to lie. Pretty much every second of the days and nights are hard. It’s why when amazing gifts like this; the Katy Perry concert tickets which were donated to Ronan’s auction, and then given to me by such an amazing friend, come my way…. I choose to go balls out. Balls to the wall, go big or go home. I took Ronan’s Godmom and my bestie Trish. We wore our Katy <3's Rockstar Ronan shirts. We came prepared with the one we had made for her as well. We were both nervous about meeting her and kept trying to figure out what we were going to say. As we were walking in, suddenly my nerves were gone and I said to myself, "Fuck it. I'm doing this for Ronan and this is no time to be a pussy." She greeted us in her sweet almost cartoon like voice. She saw our shirts and goes, "Oh, is this Ronan?" As if she had been waiting for us. I think she knew a little bit about your story, Ro. I said yes it was. She asked how long ago you passed away and I said three months. We talked about how beautiful you are and she said you are an angel now. I'm not offended by that. I thought it was very sweet of her to say, as I know she comes from a pretty religious background. I hope she is right. I would love nothing more but for you, Ro to be an angel up in heaven, watching down over all of us. I just tend to think otherwise, but I embrace everyone's beliefs and Katy's came from the heart and that is all that mattered. We went over to take a picture with her after she offered to put on the tee shirt we made her, over her outfit. That girls body….gheesh! It's bangin to say the least! No wonder she kissed a girl. And liked it;) After our picture we were running out of time but I pulled her aside and told her I thought she would be a great spokesperson for Childhood Cancer. She told me she does some things for St. Jude's, which I in turn thanked her for. She said she is starting up her own charity for education but had never really found a charity that she wanted to put her heart and soul into. I was respectful of the charity she is trying to set up, but I also told her to think about childhood cancer because I am about to revolutionize it and I would love to have her help. She asked if we were based in Phoenix and seemed interested…. but I wanted to stop while I was ahead. I'm not going to push something down somebody's throat…. well unless you piss me off, then I might. I planted the seed. That's all I wanted to do. She was gracious enough to listen and seem interested. That was more than I could have asked for and I was just thankful to be there and to at least get to show her your little face, Ro. I hope she reads this blog, I hope she wears your shirt, and I hope that she decides she would like to be the beautiful face behind this sad disease that is killing thousands of children every year. As we were walking away, she saw what the back of our shirts said and yelled, "F U Cancer!" That was the best!!!
If she decides to do nothing with the seed I have planted, that is fine too. I get it. Just from spending that short amount of time with her and watching her concert….. I am blown away. She is sassy, kooky, funny, smart, vulgar, caring, compassionate, passionate, laid back and seems like a really good person. My kind of girl. I will be a fan of hers forever. I know she lives in Ronan's heart too. He loved her music so much. So, Katy Perry….. Thank you again for tonight. For being so generous with your time and hearing me out. Thank you for making this very sad mom smile and laugh more than I have in a very long time. Your concert tonight was one of the funnest concerts I've ever been to in my life. The ending was epic and had us almost rolling around, on the ground, covered in bubbles, soap, slime, confetti, etc…….. I don't even know what that was, but we were drenched from head to toe. It was so unexpected and so much fun. I know Ronan loved looking down at me tonight and loved seeing me laugh and smile. Thank you for that gift that you have given us tonight. Even though Ronan is gone, I still consider times like that quality time with just the two of us.
And to my other two lovies. Kati- Thank you for giving me the tickets you purchased at Ro's event. I can't wait to give you the biggest hug. I so needed tonight, just to laugh and breathe a bit. You are an angel. My other lovie from NYC…. you know who you are. Can I call you Miss VF?? You are amazing in every way possible. For all you've done for me, and you don't even know me. But I know you know my heart, and you know Ronan's soul. I cannot wait for the day that you do really decide to stalk me so I can give you lots of hugs and kisses too:) Thank you. Seriously, music heals me. It is healing me and tonight helped so much. I love you both.
O.K. Ro. Mama's tired now. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you saw me smiling, laughing, and dancing for you, my little firework. I hope you are safe. I love you so much. Sweet dreams.
18 thoughts on “In my next life I’d like to come back as Katy Perry, please”
It’s good to see you smile!
Okay, first off, I am so glad you guys got to meet her before the concert because… wow… you guys were a mess! LOL! HOW FUN!!!!
I am so glad you had a great time, and that Katy seemed to be totally receptive to your ideas. I truly feel that after speaking to you, and seeing Ronan’s picture, that there is no way that ANY person could NOT want to make it their goal to do what ever they can to help in the fight against childhood cancer. (How was that for a run-on sentence?? Jeesh!).
Look at us blog followers?? Alot of us have never even met you, or precious Ronan, and yet we are ready to WAGE WAR against childhood cancer because of YOU… because of Rockstar Ronan!!!
Maya – I haven’t commented in a while but I continue to read your blog every day. When I saw the pictures of you and Tricia with Katy Perry I just started to cry for some reason and couldn’t stop. I loved that she was wearing the shirt that you made. I have a four year old daughter that is the love of my life. I think of Ronan so often when we are playing together, and I am so fucking pissed off that cancer took the life of your beautiful baby. Words can’t express how incredibly sorry I am that you are in so much pain. I think about you all of the time and send all the light and love that I possibly can your way.
I see Ronan in the picture of you covered in confetti. In your smile.
While you were at the Katy Perry concert last night, where I am we had the most awesome lightening storm I’ve ever seen. The flashes had the sky lit up constantly and every few seconds the bolts of lightening would fly through sky… sometimes twenty or more at a time. I’m not sure why, but the whole time I was driving and soaking in the amazing-ness of it, I was thinking about my friend’s little boy, Thunder, and your little boy, Ronan. I had this strong feeling that they were together somewhere.
I hope you have an easier day today and can feel Ronan with you…
That is so awesome it went so well with Katy! I am happy for you and that you had a great time! I am going to keep on praying for you Maya. God bless…xoxo
That is so awesome you got to meet Katy Perry. She is amazing. I hope that seed you planted grows, and she becomes the face of childhood cancer. She’d be great especially with you behind her!!! 🙂
I love to see that smile! Glad you had a great time.
You will do (already are doing) amazing things to bring awareness to neuroblastoma and last night was another great step in this tragic path upon which you are forced to travel. I work at PCH and see these precious little kids every day, but nothing has impacted me like Ronan’s story that you share so honestly right here. I now have a very deep appreciation (although that word does not convey my true emotions) for those I see in the halls every day. Your work has just begun, but please know your words have already had an incredible affect on people like me who were otherwise blatantly oblivious to this wretched disease. Oblivious no more. Ronan is closeby and you both will conquer the childhood cancer world.
Looks like you had a great time and Rockstar Ro was rocking right beside you 🙂
I hope and pray that Katy Perry will get on board.
Peace and Strength
I just watched the new(er) videos that you posted on youtube. I almost felt out my chair when Ronan started eating the sand — too cute!! He didn’t seem to mind the taste — he went back in for seconds! =)
Yay, It makes my heart so happy that you got to meet Katy(we love her too), and have a great night! Also I wanted to tell you you’re not going to start a revolution, you’ve already started it, this is the beginning, I feel blessed to hopefully be a part of it. Love your way always ROBIN
This post is so bad ass! So thrilled to see this photo and Katy Perry wearing your shirt. I hope that night brought your heart some joy. Thinking of you.
you soooooooo need to send that photo to US Magazine – maybe they could do a follow up with Ro & Jake Gyllenhall………”How one very special boy and his phenomenal mom have effected Hollywood”!!!
love the picture!! so glad to hear that you had a fabulous time at katy perry’s show with your bff and you got to even chat with her about sweet ronan! brings a smile to my face and heart! so so cool that she seemed to know a little about ronan already, then again who wouldn’t want to know about that lil stud?! it sounds like you had a great conversation with ms. katy and hopefully ro left a big impression on her heart. if its not katy, i know an incredible person/celeb will hear about ronan’s amazing story and want to step up to the plate with you and raise awareness about childhood cancer like nobody’s business. someone who is ready to stand up for all the sweet babies who are or have suffered from childhood cancer and say F U CANCER! you’re a natural born leader miss maya, i have no doubt that you are going open up people’s minds to this disgusting disease. you are going to create incredible change! i’m rootin for you girl!
Still thinking of you Maya – so so often. I always feel the tears burning my eyes and a pain in my heart when I think of you and your suffering. But I know that you are the one to make a difference. You are already influencing so many people. Your dedication will make people sit up and take notice and make changes that mean the words FU Cancer are no longer needed and that beautiful lives aren’t destroyed by this disgusting disease. But for now F U Cancer. Sending love and fireworks. And to Ronan – twinkle on little man. xx
Gald you had such a fun successful time. Wonderful to see you smile.
You are such a powerful women! I am so sorry that cancer took your sweet Ronan. FU Cancer!!