A Barefoot Hike and Little Socks

Ro baby. Everyone is asleep. It is late. We had a late night out tonight. We went over to The Willets’ house, for dinner and to catch up and let the boys play. I so missed you tonight. I was so sad you were not with us. You loved those boys so much and used to always keep up with them, despite your younger age. I sat back and watched as L and Q, ran around with Gay’s three boys all night long. I used to have 3 too. Where are you? It feels so wrong to be the mom of only two boys now. I almost can’t take it. But it was nice to be with all of them tonight. I will say this for the rest of my life….. but we truly do have the best friends. Some are friends we have had for a long time…. like the Willets. Others are new and who came into our lives at the beginning of all of this, like Melissa and her family whom we had over last night. All are beautiful. After Melissa, David and their kids left last night, your Daddy goes, “You have made some really amazing friends through all of this.” I just smiled and told him I knew. I do know. I think about it all the time. It is another one of those gifts you have left behind. Our lovelies are everywhere. We had a nice time tonight as being with the Willets is calming to my soul. We love them so much. I love how laid back they are, funny, kind, and crazy. I love being surrounded by their boys and your brothers. I remember how much you loved being with them. I hope you were with us tonight. I think that you were. I was showing Gay how to put Pandora on her iPhone as she is new at all of that iPhone stuff and I’m an old pro. As I was playing with her phone, mine which was sitting on my lap, started playing music. Katy Perry’s, “Firework,” just started to play. I thought of you. I hope it was you. I think that it was. This life is so strange now. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know how it ever will again.

So, this WordPress Blog is so detailed. I have a whole stat tracker which gives me very specific details on how all of you lovelies are reading this blog. For example, on May 10…. a day after you passed away, Ro… I had 55,923 hits on this blog. On that one day alone. I check it out every few days, just out of curiosity. It tells me what search engine term people are using to find out about you. I get a lot of weird things, such as today… somebody searched this… “me and you baby dolls can drink.” Um o.k. Random and weird, but I guess I tagged Baby Doll before since that is what I used to call you and your website came up. These are the most popular search engine terms used from today.

rockstar ronan 1,438
rockstarronan 352
rock star ronan 93
ronan rockstar 54
ronan thompson 45
rockstarronan.com 43
rockstar ronan blog 43
www.rockstarronan.com 42
maya thompson blog 22
the ronan thompson foundation 21
rockstar ronan dies 16
maya thompson 15
rockstar ronan com 14
ronan thompson foundation

I get some funny things, some disturbing things, but most of all the two things that are searched the most are “Rockstar Ronan,” and “Rockstar Ronan dies.” The last one rips me to pieces every time. I often catch myself thinking, “Wait. What? Ronan died? How can that be true?!” It’s as if I am the blog reader, not the writer. Oh, how I wish that were true. My body than returns to itself, because reading those words truly does feel like an out of body experience. I have to remind myself that you, my beautiful son, did die of Cancer. I sometimes cannot even take reading this, so don’t ask me how I am able to sit here and write this. I still have no clue. One day, I will sit back and read all of this, but not today. I don’t know what I am waiting for, but as of now… it’s the writing that I need to do. The reading, can wait. I know there is no way I am ready to read what I have written in the past. It is going to be so painful and everything is still too fresh and raw.

Ro baby. I started that last night but had to stop due to the Melatonin kicking in. I had dreams about you. They weren’t happy, but they weren’t sad either. I don’t remember what you looked like, but I remember asking you questions. I asked you if you were scared. You told me, No. I’m glad for that. I hope you’re not scared as that is one of the things I worry about most. I still feel like I have just forgotten you somewhere, and that you are all alone in this big, big world. I miss you so much. I am glad I got to dream about you last night. It does not happen often.

I woke up this morning, knowing that I had to have a productive day, regardless of the day off that your brothers had from school and your Daddy has off from work. I got up and showered. I messaged back and forth a bit with a girl named, Katie, whom I have never met, but I have wanted to meet for some time now. She is just a friend on FB and owns an adorable kids clothing store. She is always reposting this blog on her business FB page and I’ve wanted to stop in for a while to tell her thank you. She told me she wanted to run some ideas past me so I said I would stop by this afternoon. I took Quinn with me. I walked into her store, Garage, and instantly fell in love. It is filled with all the things, your stylish self, would have gone crazy over. You loved to dress so sharp and stylish. I met Katie and felt like I had known her for years. We sat and got to know each other, while Quinn played and explored in her store. We went over an idea she has, which I’ll be talking about a little more once the details are finalized. I left her with a bunch of your bracelets, the Naughty and Nice version. I have to be careful about the people I partner up with, who want to help with your Foundation…. but everything with Katie felt right. And just as I was getting ready to leave, “Landslide,” by Stevie Nicks came on. If that wasn’t a sign right there, I don’t know what is. I started to tear up, and Katie told me I could sit and listen to it if I wanted. I told her that I had to go, because I knew if I did stay and sit, that I would be a uncontrollable mess. I left there with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. Thanks for being there with me today, Ro.

I ran a few more errands with Quinn. Talked to NY Miss Macy. She has been with Tricia all weekend long as Trish flew to San Francisco for this long weekend to spend some time with her. I love that. I so wanted to go, but it is not the right time for me to be away from your brothers. It made me happy though, to know my beautiful besties, were spending some quality time together. I sometimes cannot believe that had it not been for you, that Macy would have never been introduced into our lives. She is a gift that I will treasure forever. For as big as the hole in my heart is now, I know you are trying to fill it up as much as you can with people like Macy. I know that you are still working away, trying to find ways to make me grateful and happy again. Your gifts come in so many different forms now. For that, I am grateful.

After finishing up my errands with Quinn, we returned home and the rest of the afternoon was spent doing things around the house. Checking things off my shit list, left and right. I picked up my friend, Julie, who lives right down the street and I took her Inferno Hiking with me. She loved it and almost threw up, but did not. She is a trooper:) I am also glad to know that I am not the only one who sometimes throws up after a hard workout. We got to the top and she was saying that it was kind of like Hot Yoga. I told her exactly, except it was much better:) I can’t wrap my head around being peaceful enough within myself to go back to Hot Yoga. I told her how Inferno Hiking to me, is very intense, yet peaceful. She completely agreed. As we were heading down, Mountain Mike, was on his way up. So funny that we always seem to be there at the exact same time, even though the time that I hike, is never consistent. We said our hellos and I introduced him to Julie. He continued up as the two of us then started on our run down the mountain. It was the perfect ending to this day as you know how hard weekends are for me.

Tonight was spent quietly around the house. Your daddy went to the office and Liam and Quinn are snuggled up together on the top bunk of their bed. I have been busy putting all of the laundry away. It’s taken me forever. I have been washing the same pair of your socks for months now. I refuse to put them away. I just wash them over and over. I carry them around with me. I can’t believe I don’t have your little feet here to put them into. I can’t believe how I wander around the house, doing busy things and often just walk into your room, expecting to see you playing. Your room is still the way it always has been. I don’t want to change a thing. Liam often plays in there. I like to write in there and sometimes sit and quietly think. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are not here to play and sleep in your room. This all still seems like a bad dream, except I cannot seem to wake up.

Where are you baby? Are you playing with Esther. Please tell me yes. Tomorrow, it will have been 4 months since that sweet baby girl passed away. Your 4 months will be here soon as well. Please watch over Esther’s mama tomorrow. Well, everyday, really… but tomorrow extra close. I am worried about her. I feel such a need to go and see her. I promise I will get back East to do this soon.

I think this may be all for tonight, Ro. I have some homework to do before I see Dr. Joanne tomorrow. She took you with her when she went barefoot hiking this morning. I’ll send you the pic she sent me. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my love.

Dear lovely readers…….. Many of you have been asking about Ronan’s bracelets and where you can get them. I am almost completely out, but if you live in AZ…. there are some places that you can get them. Here are the locations::::

The Water Connection:::::::Nice Bracelets only::::: 3929 E Camelback Rd. Phoenix, AZ 85018

Green Cleaners::::Halle has Naughty only::::: 3912 East Camelback Road, Phoenix, AZ 85018

Garage::::Katie has both Naughty and Nice:::: 7144 E. Stetson Drive, Scottsdale, AZ

For my out of town peeps. I PROMISE, I’ll let you know when more are available. Should be later this week. Thanks for the LOVE and SUPPORT.

xoxo

In my next life I’d like to come back as Katy Perry, please

Ronan. 3:00 a.m. Like clockwork, my eyes pop open, even though I have just fallen asleep a few hours ago. 3:00-4:45 I lay in bed, tossing, turning, thinking, crying, screaming inside of my head. I take another Ambien. I get up. Wander around the house, look outside, check on your brothers, do some laundry, peak inside of your room. You are not here. I crawl in your bed anyway. Somebody has been playing in here. Some of your Star Wars figures are on your bed. I’ll bet you it was Liam.

Liam and Quinn are all snuggled on the top bunk of their bed, where Liam sleeps. Quinn is notorious for crawling up there in the middle of the night to sleep with him. He has always done this. It brings me comfort, to know they find comfort in each other. Their twin bond is remarkable and I am so grateful for that. They need it more in life now than ever. Your daddy is fast asleep. I don’t ever wake him when I can’t sleep. Even when I need to reach out to him most, I can’t. I would rather be alone and sit in your room. I would rather just be with you. I don’t like your daddy to see me when I am hurting the most. It makes me sad that he has to see me this way because I know it hurts him. It’s as if he’s not only lost you, but me as well. I hope someday I can come back. I see bits and pieces of me here and there, but I am mostly just dead. Just like you, Ro. No amount of love can bring me back right now. I’m dead and lost and continue to wander though this so called life.

It’s light out now. Sleep is calling my name again. These few hours that I wake up for you, are for a reason, I’m sure of it. It cannot just because of the sheer pain of missing you. You have to be trying to tell me something. I’m so sad. I miss you so much. Even your memories are painful to me. As I stare out your bedroom window, I wish so much that you were out there, running in the gravel, throwing rocks, playing with the hose. I feel like a trapped animal that will never be able to escape this cage that I now live in. Freedom will never be mine again, for the rest of my life, I will live like this. Anxious, lost, scared, and sad. I have been moved out of my normal habitat completely and into the life of another. An institution.

Ronan. Hi baby. I started that last night…or early morning when I couldn’t sleep. I’m still here. Still walking through this life without your tiny hand to hold on to. It’s not fun. I took your brothers out for most of the day. We ran errands. It was so bloody hot out. AZ in August is the worst. I took them to get haircuts. We went to the same place I always take them. The same place I used to take you. It’s been awhile since I’ve been there. The boy who was ringing us up, couldn’t find your brothers’ names in the system. He was scrolling through the computer…… they weren’t in there, but you were. Quinn saw your name. He goes, “Mom, it says Ronan Thompson.” I told Coop, the boy that cut your brother’s hair, that you were my other son, so to put your brothers info under your name. He asked where you were. UGH. This question is never going to get easier. I had to say it again. Say the words that will never get easier to me. Sunglasses on, tears pouring; I told him that you had passed away. He didn’t know what to say. I don’t think he remembered you, as we hadn’t been there in a couple of years. I told him that he used to cut your hair. I watched his face as it was overcome with an uneasiness that is never easy for me to see. Here I was, the one who was crying; I am the one who lost my son….. but all I wanted to do was give this kid a big hug and tell him it was o.k. That he didn’t need to be sad or sorry because everything was going to be alright. I wanted to tell him how thankful I was that he ever had the privilege of meeting you, and cutting your beautiful hair, even though he didn’t remember. I had to remain calm and somewhat composed, so instead I just gave him his tip, a smile, and told him thank you and we would see him soon. You truly are everywhere I go. As much as it hurts, it is pain that I welcome in my life. At least I know I won’t ever be without you, even though I am.

Today was a hard day. I’m not going to lie. Pretty much every second of the days and nights are hard. It’s why when amazing gifts like this; the Katy Perry concert tickets which were donated to Ronan’s auction, and then given to me by such an amazing friend, come my way…. I choose to go balls out. Balls to the wall, go big or go home. I took Ronan’s Godmom and my bestie Trish. We wore our Katy <3's Rockstar Ronan shirts. We came prepared with the one we had made for her as well. We were both nervous about meeting her and kept trying to figure out what we were going to say. As we were walking in, suddenly my nerves were gone and I said to myself, "Fuck it. I'm doing this for Ronan and this is no time to be a pussy." She greeted us in her sweet almost cartoon like voice. She saw our shirts and goes, "Oh, is this Ronan?" As if she had been waiting for us. I think she knew a little bit about your story, Ro. I said yes it was. She asked how long ago you passed away and I said three months. We talked about how beautiful you are and she said you are an angel now. I'm not offended by that. I thought it was very sweet of her to say, as I know she comes from a pretty religious background. I hope she is right. I would love nothing more but for you, Ro to be an angel up in heaven, watching down over all of us. I just tend to think otherwise, but I embrace everyone's beliefs and Katy's came from the heart and that is all that mattered. We went over to take a picture with her after she offered to put on the tee shirt we made her, over her outfit. That girls body….gheesh! It's bangin to say the least! No wonder she kissed a girl. And liked it;) After our picture we were running out of time but I pulled her aside and told her I thought she would be a great spokesperson for Childhood Cancer. She told me she does some things for St. Jude's, which I in turn thanked her for. She said she is starting up her own charity for education but had never really found a charity that she wanted to put her heart and soul into. I was respectful of the charity she is trying to set up, but I also told her to think about childhood cancer because I am about to revolutionize it and I would love to have her help. She asked if we were based in Phoenix and seemed interested…. but I wanted to stop while I was ahead. I'm not going to push something down somebody's throat…. well unless you piss me off, then I might. I planted the seed. That's all I wanted to do. She was gracious enough to listen and seem interested. That was more than I could have asked for and I was just thankful to be there and to at least get to show her your little face, Ro. I hope she reads this blog, I hope she wears your shirt, and I hope that she decides she would like to be the beautiful face behind this sad disease that is killing thousands of children every year. As we were walking away, she saw what the back of our shirts said and yelled, "F U Cancer!" That was the best!!!

If she decides to do nothing with the seed I have planted, that is fine too. I get it. Just from spending that short amount of time with her and watching her concert….. I am blown away. She is sassy, kooky, funny, smart, vulgar, caring, compassionate, passionate, laid back and seems like a really good person. My kind of girl. I will be a fan of hers forever. I know she lives in Ronan's heart too. He loved her music so much. So, Katy Perry….. Thank you again for tonight. For being so generous with your time and hearing me out. Thank you for making this very sad mom smile and laugh more than I have in a very long time. Your concert tonight was one of the funnest concerts I've ever been to in my life. The ending was epic and had us almost rolling around, on the ground, covered in bubbles, soap, slime, confetti, etc…….. I don't even know what that was, but we were drenched from head to toe. It was so unexpected and so much fun. I know Ronan loved looking down at me tonight and loved seeing me laugh and smile. Thank you for that gift that you have given us tonight. Even though Ronan is gone, I still consider times like that quality time with just the two of us.

And to my other two lovies. Kati- Thank you for giving me the tickets you purchased at Ro's event. I can't wait to give you the biggest hug. I so needed tonight, just to laugh and breathe a bit. You are an angel. My other lovie from NYC…. you know who you are. Can I call you Miss VF?? You are amazing in every way possible. For all you've done for me, and you don't even know me. But I know you know my heart, and you know Ronan's soul. I cannot wait for the day that you do really decide to stalk me so I can give you lots of hugs and kisses too:) Thank you. Seriously, music heals me. It is healing me and tonight helped so much. I love you both.

O.K. Ro. Mama's tired now. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you saw me smiling, laughing, and dancing for you, my little firework. I hope you are safe. I love you so much. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

You will always be my little Firework

Ronan. I’m home now. You were everywhere tonight. I felt you when I needed you most. I put on my brave face and went to the Sauce event; which turned out so amazing. I was expecting to feel sad, overwhelmed, and nervous. I didn’t feel that way at all. In a room full of mostly strangers, I actually felt really at home. Comfortable. Peaceful. Happy. So many people came out for the event. Thank you to each and every one of you. I wish I could have met you all. I tried my best to smile at the faces I didn’t know and make eye contact if I didn’t get the chance to talk to you. Talk about a room full of beautiful people everywhere.

Somebody said it must have been hard to be there tonight. I told her, surprisingly not…. that it actually felt o.k. It did. All of you strangers feel like family to me now. I know how much you all love a little boy whom most of you have never even met, which in turn makes my heart happy. Somebody else said to me that it must be hard to be around kids your same age, Ro. I replied that as much as you would think that would be true, it’s not. I find when I am around kids your age, I am happy. I just want to hold them and love them because I know deeper than I’ve ever known before, what a gift they are. The stabs of jealously that I thought would fill me, where nowhere to be found. I’ve never been a jealous person which is a big part of why it is easy for me to be so blissfully happy for all of you who have healthy kids. Because that is how life should be. Healthy, loved, and happy. Unfortunately, we were robbed of this life for you, Ro. Which is why I cannot just quietly turn away. I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to do a lot of somethings. I’ve got to get somebody’s attention. I have to start a revolution because these kids cannot continue to die this way. It is the cruelest thing in the world. I’ve said it before, but why isn’t anybody making a bigger deal of childhood cancer?? It’s as if nobody cares about our future, and I can guarantee if these kids were given a second chance at life, they would all do amazing things from it. It’s like we are throwing away these extra special gifts, without blinking an eye. People are either too scared, too unaware, think something else is more important, or just don’t care because it will never happen to them. It should be mandatory that every kid in high school spend some time in a cancer floor of a hospital. I’ll bet the reality of that world,¬†would¬†shake them to the core so much that it would change the paths of their lives for the better. When I was in high school, if I had been aware of childhood cancer, you can bet your ass that I would have done something. Even if it meant something as little as volunteering. But hey, that’s a start. Big things can come from that. Nobody is being educated on this and it is because of this, that the funding is so low and there are no cures. If everyone could just come together, mountains could be moved and maybe a cure for Neuroblastoma could be found in 10 years, not 20. Could you imagine all the children that could be saved? That could have another chance at this life that Ronan now has to miss out on? It’s so not right.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life now. My entire life was taking care of that baby. I feel as if I have no choice but to give Ronan’s Foundation everything I have. It’s the path that was chosen for me and I cannot just shy away from it. I want this. I want everything I do to be for Ronan and to help others. Baby steps first. I’ve got to get my twins ready to go back to school and while they are there, I will sit down and figure out what little things I can start with. I find such comfort knowing that I will not be alone in this journey. I am so thankful for the amount of support I have. I have to change the world and the way childhood cancer is treated. No half-assing this. It’s all or nothing.

My first step is going to be tomorrow night. The gracious bidder of the Katy Perry tickets, at Ronan’s Silent Auction, and the meet and greet with her beforehand, offered them to me. Thank you so much, Kati!!! I hesitated at first to take them…. such an amazing gift. But then I immediately thought about Ronan… and our song was, “Firework.” We would sing it all the time together. He loved it. I cry every time it comes on. I’m taking Tricia, Ronan’s Godmom. We have loved Katy Perry for the longest time. I remember driving the twins to a music class and Tricia called me to tell me about this Katy Perry chick, as she wasn’t well known at the time. She told me that Madonna was loving her and that I needed to check her out. I did. I loved her. It’s been a long time love affair:)

Tricia and I decided we were going to have some tee-shirts made for the concert. 2 for us and 1 for Katy. Ours will say, “Katy Perry <3’s Rockstar Ronan” on the front. On the back they just say, “F U CANCER.” We had one made for Katy that says, “I <3 Rockstar Ronan.” and on the back, “F U CANCER.” I don’t want to scare off the poor girl, but I am going to tell her a bit about Ronan’s story, and I am going to tell her how childhood cancer needs to have a face, but nobody seems to want to step up to the plate. I’m going to ask her if she will. Then, I’m going to show her a picture of you, Ro. How can she possibly resist your beautiful face and eyes?? How could she possibly say no to your beautiful soul?? I hope she cannot. This is my plan of now….. who knows if I’ll even get that far. They may be really strict about what you can talk to her about, but I’m going to try my hardest… without being that creepy, stalker, fan. I’m not. I’m just a mom. A mom who lost her son to a horrific disease that gets no attention. I don’t think I’m asking too much….. just her pretty face to put with Childhood Cancer. If she wants to do more, of course that would be awesome. If she would take the time to read about you, Ro…. I know she would want to do anything and everything. We’ve got to carry on your rockstar legend. I’m not letting your rockstar light burn out, ever.

So, that is my story for tonight. I’m tired. So tired from my endless nights of not sleeping because I miss you so much. I miss you so much everything in my body hurts 24 hours a day. Even the tips of my toes, Ro. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams my love.

xoxo

To everyone at Sauce for putting this on tonight…. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You are an amazing company. We are so grateful for your support. To all of you who came out….. You have no idea how much strength you give me. Your support and love pushes me to get out of bed most mornings, to try harder, to be a better person, to want to work to find a somewhat happy existence again. You all make me want to change the world. Thank you for everything.

xoxo