You will always be my little Firework


Ronan. I’m home now. You were everywhere tonight. I felt you when I needed you most. I put on my brave face and went to the Sauce event; which turned out so amazing. I was expecting to feel sad, overwhelmed, and nervous. I didn’t feel that way at all. In a room full of mostly strangers, I actually felt really at home. Comfortable. Peaceful. Happy. So many people came out for the event. Thank you to each and every one of you. I wish I could have met you all. I tried my best to smile at the faces I didn’t know and make eye contact if I didn’t get the chance to talk to you. Talk about a room full of beautiful people everywhere.

Somebody said it must have been hard to be there tonight. I told her, surprisingly not…. that it actually felt o.k. It did. All of you strangers feel like family to me now. I know how much you all love a little boy whom most of you have never even met, which in turn makes my heart happy. Somebody else said to me that it must be hard to be around kids your same age, Ro. I replied that as much as you would think that would be true, it’s not. I find when I am around kids your age, I am happy. I just want to hold them and love them because I know deeper than I’ve ever known before, what a gift they are. The stabs of jealously that I thought would fill me, where nowhere to be found. I’ve never been a jealous person which is a big part of why it is easy for me to be so blissfully happy for all of you who have healthy kids. Because that is how life should be. Healthy, loved, and happy. Unfortunately, we were robbed of this life for you, Ro. Which is why I cannot just quietly turn away. I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to do a lot of somethings. I’ve got to get somebody’s attention. I have to start a revolution because these kids cannot continue to die this way. It is the cruelest thing in the world. I’ve said it before, but why isn’t anybody making a bigger deal of childhood cancer?? It’s as if nobody cares about our future, and I can guarantee if these kids were given a second chance at life, they would all do amazing things from it. It’s like we are throwing away these extra special gifts, without blinking an eye. People are either too scared, too unaware, think something else is more important, or just don’t care because it will never happen to them. It should be mandatory that every kid in high school spend some time in a cancer floor of a hospital. I’ll bet the reality of that world, would shake them to the core so much that it would change the paths of their lives for the better. When I was in high school, if I had been aware of childhood cancer, you can bet your ass that I would have done something. Even if it meant something as little as volunteering. But hey, that’s a start. Big things can come from that. Nobody is being educated on this and it is because of this, that the funding is so low and there are no cures. If everyone could just come together, mountains could be moved and maybe a cure for Neuroblastoma could be found in 10 years, not 20. Could you imagine all the children that could be saved? That could have another chance at this life that Ronan now has to miss out on? It’s so not right.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life now. My entire life was taking care of that baby. I feel as if I have no choice but to give Ronan’s Foundation everything I have. It’s the path that was chosen for me and I cannot just shy away from it. I want this. I want everything I do to be for Ronan and to help others. Baby steps first. I’ve got to get my twins ready to go back to school and while they are there, I will sit down and figure out what little things I can start with. I find such comfort knowing that I will not be alone in this journey. I am so thankful for the amount of support I have. I have to change the world and the way childhood cancer is treated. No half-assing this. It’s all or nothing.

My first step is going to be tomorrow night. The gracious bidder of the Katy Perry tickets, at Ronan’s Silent Auction, and the meet and greet with her beforehand, offered them to me. Thank you so much, Kati!!! I hesitated at first to take them…. such an amazing gift. But then I immediately thought about Ronan… and our song was, “Firework.” We would sing it all the time together. He loved it. I cry every time it comes on. I’m taking Tricia, Ronan’s Godmom. We have loved Katy Perry for the longest time. I remember driving the twins to a music class and Tricia called me to tell me about this Katy Perry chick, as she wasn’t well known at the time. She told me that Madonna was loving her and that I needed to check her out. I did. I loved her. It’s been a long time love affair:)

Tricia and I decided we were going to have some tee-shirts made for the concert. 2 for us and 1 for Katy. Ours will say, “Katy Perry <3’s Rockstar Ronan” on the front. On the back they just say, “F U CANCER.” We had one made for Katy that says, “I ❤ Rockstar Ronan.” and on the back, “F U CANCER.” I don’t want to scare off the poor girl, but I am going to tell her a bit about Ronan’s story, and I am going to tell her how childhood cancer needs to have a face, but nobody seems to want to step up to the plate. I’m going to ask her if she will. Then, I’m going to show her a picture of you, Ro. How can she possibly resist your beautiful face and eyes?? How could she possibly say no to your beautiful soul?? I hope she cannot. This is my plan of now….. who knows if I’ll even get that far. They may be really strict about what you can talk to her about, but I’m going to try my hardest… without being that creepy, stalker, fan. I’m not. I’m just a mom. A mom who lost her son to a horrific disease that gets no attention. I don’t think I’m asking too much….. just her pretty face to put with Childhood Cancer. If she wants to do more, of course that would be awesome. If she would take the time to read about you, Ro…. I know she would want to do anything and everything. We’ve got to carry on your rockstar legend. I’m not letting your rockstar light burn out, ever.

So, that is my story for tonight. I’m tired. So tired from my endless nights of not sleeping because I miss you so much. I miss you so much everything in my body hurts 24 hours a day. Even the tips of my toes, Ro. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams my love.

xoxo

To everyone at Sauce for putting this on tonight…. THANK YOU SO MUCH. You are an amazing company. We are so grateful for your support. To all of you who came out….. You have no idea how much strength you give me. Your support and love pushes me to get out of bed most mornings, to try harder, to be a better person, to want to work to find a somewhat happy existence again. You all make me want to change the world. Thank you for everything.

xoxo

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17 thoughts on “You will always be my little Firework

  1. Sia

    Hi ,

    I emailed you last week about the dolphins. Don’t know if you got it and don’t expect you to respond, I just wanted to let you know that I am that same person. You and Ronan are constantly in my thoughts. I found myself talking to you in the car today, on my up the 5 to to John Wayne Airport to pick my sister and kids up. I was thinking about what you had written in the past few days. How when people say that “time heals” and how “things happen for a reason” and how people think you should be “getting over it already and moving on.”

    I wanted to share what I was saying to you ( my make believe conversation) in the car today. My thoughts on those topics. I don’t know if it will help and you can feel free to tell me to fuck off, but I have experienced deep pain like you are feeling, so that’s how I have come to my conclusions.

    As far as time healing, time doesn’t heal a loss like yours. Broken bones heal and scars heal, not love. What does happen, and I can promise you this, the pain becomes less. The mental and physical pain becomes less as time goes on. I know that time going on is a painful idea, it makes you feel further and further away from him, but the idea of hating to see time pass will also become easier. The truth is, it doesn’t matter how many years pass, you will love him as much as you do today.Time won’t ever change that. Your love is here to stay.

    Things happen for a reason? This I do believe. I’m not going to pretend like I know the reason but I do have a theory. I don’t know how you feel about the yin and the yang, but there is a truth to the fact that we would never know joy if we never knew pain. I also believe that we would have no empathy or compassion for anyone at all, if none of us could relate to what they are going through. I believe these things happen to make others rise up. I believe that you will rise up from this, and I believe that you’re already on your way. Ronan will not have passed in vain. You will make sure of that. He is a ROCKSTAR after all!

    Is it time for you to be “getting over it and moving on”? Hell to the NO! You are grieving and you are doing it in a beautiful and thoughtful way. We Americans suck at grieving. Why are we in such a fucking hurry to “get over” the people we love? Europeans have made an art out of grieving and for good reason. We aren’t robots, we’re human beings! And from what you have written, you’re process and views are very healthy. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. There is no trophy handed out at the end for people who finish grieving the fastest. I would say, those people aren’t feeling much of anything at all.

    Hang in there girl. It will get better but this is not a test. Take your time. I think you’re amazing. Try hard not to beat yourself up.

    Sia xo

  2. sara maurer

    I am so glad the Sauce event went so well! Your family have touched so many hearts! I know Katy will just melt when she sees a picture of Ronan, how could she not? That would be so amazing to have her help in spreading the word about childhood cancer. I have a feeling this will be very big.

    I hope you slept last night, and have a really good day today.

    Hugs,
    Sara

  3. Christina

    I wish that I could have attended the event last night! It sounds amazing and you sound amazing in your post today. I can feel your energy, your drive, your desire to turn the world on their ear and make people wake up and see the devestation that Childhood Cancer causes! Your Ro is so very proud of you, Maya. May you continue to push forward and I hope that Katy feels the passion you so hold in your heart and soul! Best wishes to you!!

  4. Alyssa Crews

    Maya, so glad I can finally write to you! My old computer wasn’t letting me go to the blog 😦 So I could only read from my email. Glad to hear how successful the Sauce Event was for Ronan, and the strength it gave you. It’s awesome you are going to see Katy Perry! The shirts and showing her Ronan’s picture is a great idea. You should show her an entire album. I’ve been praying for you, and I know that’s not your thing, but for me I don’t know what else to do. I tell Ronan’s story to new people I meet all the time. I’m helping you bring awareness to childhood cancer so people will take a stand. I think about Ronan everyday. Knowing him changed my life. I’m so thankful for you. You are an awesome person. Your strength and spark inspires me, Maya. I hope you have a great day! Sending love and strength…
    <3Alyssa

  5. Amy Becker

    Maya – I hope you can let yourself go a little tonight as I think this concert is going to be awesome. I am going as well and I can hardly wait. I hope Katy takes your message about childhood cancer on.
    Amy

  6. Laura

    So glad that you enjoyed yourself last night. I’m happy you are making plans for the future. Hope you have a fabulous time at the concert. Enjoy. As always your family is in our thoughts and prayers. All our love.

  7. Glenda

    Maya,

    Sorry I couldn’t make yesterday’s event, but I want to help you with your mission. So I hope to be around for the rest!

    I hope tonight’s concert and meet &greet with Katy Perry goes as planned!

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! I’m so glad yesterday’s event went well for you! I knew Ronan would guide you and be right there besides you!

    Enjoy the concert!!! Have fun!!!
    XO

  8. Julie

    “Your spark can become a flame and change everything.” – E.D. Nixon
    I’m white hot about cancer….ready to change it with you.
    Enjoy KP! xoxo, Julie Blouin

  9. Jaime Harris

    That’s awesome it went so well last night and about Katy Perry! Wow! I am going to pray she is receptive to all you have to say! Good luck and have fun tonight! Praying for you as you continue this journey Maya! God bless. xo.

  10. Alli Paolone

    Katy will be totally receptive to you tonight. Nobody can deny the fact that your story (Ro’s story) is one to listen to. I bet we will have a new celebrity spokes model for the Rockstar Ronan Foundation and I bet it will be Katy Perry!! Can’t wait to hear what happens at the meet and greet and I’m so glad you get to go tonight. Nobody is more deserving. Great things are happening, I can feel it in my bones. So glad to be part of this revolution. F U CANCER!!! We’re all with you Maya, you’ll never be alone no matter how lonely it gets. I promise. 🙂 Nothing but LOVE!

    Alli

  11. sara maurer

    I am so glad the Sauce event went so well! Your family have touched so many hearts! I know Katy will just melt when she sees a picture of Ronan, how could she not? That would be so amazing to have her help in spreading the word about childhood cancer. I have a feeling this will be very big.

    I hope you slept last night, and have a really good day today.

    Hugs,
    Sara

  12. lafevem

    I hope Katy is receptive to you. Firework has become the theme song for our sweet 8 year old neighbor Ava as she is going through treatment for TCell Lymphoma. She listens to Katy Perry on her IPOD while she is taking chemo. I wonder if Katy knows how her songs are encouraging children with cancer. I hope she does and takes up the mantle to bring awareness to childhood cancer.

  13. SCole

    I was at Sauce last night to see all the great support and love showed for Ro and your family. I hadn’t even read the blog yet but went with my cousin who follows daily. All afternoon I have been reading your entries, crying, praying and sending any positive vibes I can towards you and the family. I went to class tonight only to hear the song Fireworks, I thought of you and Ro even more, still praying and still sending positive vibes… and vibes of support and love to your broken heart and the broken heart of all your boys. He is a beautiful boy and so is your love for him.

  14. charlotte

    I’ve followed your blog for awhile and have commented a few times. I think of you and your family and I pray for you each night.
    Last night I attended the memorial for my cousin’s daughter who passed away a few days ago. She was 20. At 16 she was in a care accident and suffered severe head trauma. She fought for 4 yrs and in those years recovered more than anyone ever expected! She lost her fight after struggling with complications from this for the past few months.
    One of her fave sayings was “I love u all to the moon and back!!” It was even put on memorial shirts and rings made in her memory. One of the lasts things she told her parents was that she was not afraid to die.. That she would” go to heaven, be whole again(she had lost her ability to walk), and teach all the little children how to dance!!” (She had LOVED to dance!!)
    I immediately thought of u and Ronan!! I wish u could see her pic..she, like Ronan, was stunning!! Beautiful blonde hair and the bluest, most amazing eyes ever!! Just like your baby!
    I know that she is dancing with your Ronan tonight!! I just know this in my heart!!
    Take care of u!!! U are an amazing person!

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