Hi. I’m in L.A. I like it here. Little 3,4, and 5 year old boys, who look like you, do not exist on Venice Beach.

Ronan. It’s been almost a week since I posted last. I know this usually means I’m in a dark space; but for once this has not been the case. It’s not that I have not been thinking about you, every waking second, because I have been and I always am. I guess I just needed to give myself a little break so I could survive the last week of Coronado Island of 3,4, and 5 year olds, everywhere. Your daddy made it in time to spend the evening of Father’s Day with us. Macy filled the role of the surrogate father for the day and as always, did an amazing job. She was supposed to fly home on Sunday night, but somehow I talked her into staying an extra day. It had nothing to do with the lazy day we spent laying on the beach, soaking up the sun, either. Well, o.k. that maybe had a little something to do with it, but I also know that she could sense that I needed her and she did really want to spend some time with your daddy as well. It was an o.k. day. We made it the best we possibly could for your daddy. It was hard to look into his eyes though and see the pain pouring out of them. A father should never be without any of his children, on Father’s Day, but your daddy, most of all. He is too good of a daddy to have to carry this never-ending pain around. I’m always so sorry and so sad for him. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to look at him again and not see the constant sadness that fills his eyes, even when he is smiling. I know those eyes all too well as they are a reflection of mine.

The rest of the week was pretty low key. Lots of beach time. A little surfing. Some running. Basketball. A movie. Sleeping. No Ambien for me for a couple of weeks now. Dr. JoRo will be proud of that. I’m kind of proud of that too. I got a text message on Wednesday from our lovie, Charisma. It was more like, “OMG. When are you leaving San Diego? I can’t believe we did not meet up! Wanna make a trip to L.A. to see me?” You know how I LOVE spontaneous plans. I texted her back. “Yes. Let me work my magic. I’m sure I can figure something out. I’m supposed to go back to AZ on Saturday, but let me talk to Woody.” I got home and told your daddy about what had come up. I think I spun it to him as, “Wooddawg. If I don’t go to L.A., who knows when I am going to get to see Charisma again and it’s already been way too long. She’s leaving for Austin to shoot the new series she just got picked up on, to become a regular. I NEED to give her a congrats hug and see my friend.” It didn’t take much convincing on my end. I offered to take one of your brothers with me as they could use the time apart anyway. Of course your Quinny chose to go with me and Liam chose to stay with your daddy. Quinn cannot seem to be separated from me and Liam seems to be stuck to your daddy like glue. Quinn and I hopped in the car super early on Friday morning to drive to L.A. It was a reunion that showed me much too much time had passed since I had last seen my friend. The last time I spent with her, was when she came out for your services and you know I don’t remember any of that. I’ve really missed her.

Quinn and I arrived and it felt so good to get the frick out of Coronado, and a change of scenery. There are no 3,4,5 year old boys, roaming around the streets of L.A. who all look like you. We spent the day at Venice Beach. I soaked up a day of sunshine with Charisma while your brother and D surfed. I soaked up the homeless bums who filled the boardwalk of Venice Beach. I caught up with my friend. I breathed. I exhaled. I needed to, otherwise I was going to burst. We had a nice lunch and an even better dinner at some to die for Mexican food restaurant. Everyone is snug as a bug in a rug now and sound asleep. All except me. My thoughts are swimming with all there is to do. How much I miss you. The awful way I left your daddy today which was which one of us, was going to take Ronan home. Which meant, who is taking your urn home full of your little body. Your daddy did. I took your GiGi with me, instead. We both felt you would be safer with your daddy. The fact that this conversation is now part of our normal lives leaves me sick to my stomach in a way that I am too tired to explain tonight. I’m getting sleepy. It’s 3 a.m. I mainly just wanted to check in. I know how my lovely little blog readers get when they don’t hear from me, for a while. They worry. They are the sweetest and I am thankful that they care so much. I am o.k. And for me, o.k. is as good as it gets. I am happy to have spent today in the presence of someone whom I think, hung the moon. You don’t get much better in life, than my dear friend, Charisma. She reminds me of all the pain in the world, while pointing out the beauty as well. She reminds me that they can coexist in a peaceful manner. She makes me laugh with her crazy car dancing and with her, the smiles are always true. There is no faking or forcing. There is no judgements or disappointments. There are only journeys and love. I like my world when I am with her. It gives me the break that I know I need and I know I deserve. She loved you so much.

I love you, Ronan. So much so, that I know we are going to do everything it is, that I want to do for you. I don’t care if it costs 150 billion dollars. You cannot put a price on our love and the power it has to change this cancer world in the way that it so desperately needs to be changed. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.

xoxo

In my next life I’d like to come back as Katy Perry, please

Ronan. 3:00 a.m. Like clockwork, my eyes pop open, even though I have just fallen asleep a few hours ago. 3:00-4:45 I lay in bed, tossing, turning, thinking, crying, screaming inside of my head. I take another Ambien. I get up. Wander around the house, look outside, check on your brothers, do some laundry, peak inside of your room. You are not here. I crawl in your bed anyway. Somebody has been playing in here. Some of your Star Wars figures are on your bed. I’ll bet you it was Liam.

Liam and Quinn are all snuggled on the top bunk of their bed, where Liam sleeps. Quinn is notorious for crawling up there in the middle of the night to sleep with him. He has always done this. It brings me comfort, to know they find comfort in each other. Their twin bond is remarkable and I am so grateful for that. They need it more in life now than ever. Your daddy is fast asleep. I don’t ever wake him when I can’t sleep. Even when I need to reach out to him most, I can’t. I would rather be alone and sit in your room. I would rather just be with you. I don’t like your daddy to see me when I am hurting the most. It makes me sad that he has to see me this way because I know it hurts him. It’s as if he’s not only lost you, but me as well. I hope someday I can come back. I see bits and pieces of me here and there, but I am mostly just dead. Just like you, Ro. No amount of love can bring me back right now. I’m dead and lost and continue to wander though this so called life.

It’s light out now. Sleep is calling my name again. These few hours that I wake up for you, are for a reason, I’m sure of it. It cannot just because of the sheer pain of missing you. You have to be trying to tell me something. I’m so sad. I miss you so much. Even your memories are painful to me. As I stare out your bedroom window, I wish so much that you were out there, running in the gravel, throwing rocks, playing with the hose. I feel like a trapped animal that will never be able to escape this cage that I now live in. Freedom will never be mine again, for the rest of my life, I will live like this. Anxious, lost, scared, and sad. I have been moved out of my normal habitat completely and into the life of another. An institution.

Ronan. Hi baby. I started that last night…or early morning when I couldn’t sleep. I’m still here. Still walking through this life without your tiny hand to hold on to. It’s not fun. I took your brothers out for most of the day. We ran errands. It was so bloody hot out. AZ in August is the worst. I took them to get haircuts. We went to the same place I always take them. The same place I used to take you. It’s been awhile since I’ve been there. The boy who was ringing us up, couldn’t find your brothers’ names in the system. He was scrolling through the computer…… they weren’t in there, but you were. Quinn saw your name. He goes, “Mom, it says Ronan Thompson.” I told Coop, the boy that cut your brother’s hair, that you were my other son, so to put your brothers info under your name. He asked where you were. UGH. This question is never going to get easier. I had to say it again. Say the words that will never get easier to me. Sunglasses on, tears pouring; I told him that you had passed away. He didn’t know what to say. I don’t think he remembered you, as we hadn’t been there in a couple of years. I told him that he used to cut your hair. I watched his face as it was overcome with an uneasiness that is never easy for me to see. Here I was, the one who was crying; I am the one who lost my son….. but all I wanted to do was give this kid a big hug and tell him it was o.k. That he didn’t need to be sad or sorry because everything was going to be alright. I wanted to tell him how thankful I was that he ever had the privilege of meeting you, and cutting your beautiful hair, even though he didn’t remember. I had to remain calm and somewhat composed, so instead I just gave him his tip, a smile, and told him thank you and we would see him soon. You truly are everywhere I go. As much as it hurts, it is pain that I welcome in my life. At least I know I won’t ever be without you, even though I am.

Today was a hard day. I’m not going to lie. Pretty much every second of the days and nights are hard. It’s why when amazing gifts like this; the Katy Perry concert tickets which were donated to Ronan’s auction, and then given to me by such an amazing friend, come my way…. I choose to go balls out. Balls to the wall, go big or go home. I took Ronan’s Godmom and my bestie Trish. We wore our Katy <3's Rockstar Ronan shirts. We came prepared with the one we had made for her as well. We were both nervous about meeting her and kept trying to figure out what we were going to say. As we were walking in, suddenly my nerves were gone and I said to myself, "Fuck it. I'm doing this for Ronan and this is no time to be a pussy." She greeted us in her sweet almost cartoon like voice. She saw our shirts and goes, "Oh, is this Ronan?" As if she had been waiting for us. I think she knew a little bit about your story, Ro. I said yes it was. She asked how long ago you passed away and I said three months. We talked about how beautiful you are and she said you are an angel now. I'm not offended by that. I thought it was very sweet of her to say, as I know she comes from a pretty religious background. I hope she is right. I would love nothing more but for you, Ro to be an angel up in heaven, watching down over all of us. I just tend to think otherwise, but I embrace everyone's beliefs and Katy's came from the heart and that is all that mattered. We went over to take a picture with her after she offered to put on the tee shirt we made her, over her outfit. That girls body….gheesh! It's bangin to say the least! No wonder she kissed a girl. And liked it;) After our picture we were running out of time but I pulled her aside and told her I thought she would be a great spokesperson for Childhood Cancer. She told me she does some things for St. Jude's, which I in turn thanked her for. She said she is starting up her own charity for education but had never really found a charity that she wanted to put her heart and soul into. I was respectful of the charity she is trying to set up, but I also told her to think about childhood cancer because I am about to revolutionize it and I would love to have her help. She asked if we were based in Phoenix and seemed interested…. but I wanted to stop while I was ahead. I'm not going to push something down somebody's throat…. well unless you piss me off, then I might. I planted the seed. That's all I wanted to do. She was gracious enough to listen and seem interested. That was more than I could have asked for and I was just thankful to be there and to at least get to show her your little face, Ro. I hope she reads this blog, I hope she wears your shirt, and I hope that she decides she would like to be the beautiful face behind this sad disease that is killing thousands of children every year. As we were walking away, she saw what the back of our shirts said and yelled, "F U Cancer!" That was the best!!!

If she decides to do nothing with the seed I have planted, that is fine too. I get it. Just from spending that short amount of time with her and watching her concert….. I am blown away. She is sassy, kooky, funny, smart, vulgar, caring, compassionate, passionate, laid back and seems like a really good person. My kind of girl. I will be a fan of hers forever. I know she lives in Ronan's heart too. He loved her music so much. So, Katy Perry….. Thank you again for tonight. For being so generous with your time and hearing me out. Thank you for making this very sad mom smile and laugh more than I have in a very long time. Your concert tonight was one of the funnest concerts I've ever been to in my life. The ending was epic and had us almost rolling around, on the ground, covered in bubbles, soap, slime, confetti, etc…….. I don't even know what that was, but we were drenched from head to toe. It was so unexpected and so much fun. I know Ronan loved looking down at me tonight and loved seeing me laugh and smile. Thank you for that gift that you have given us tonight. Even though Ronan is gone, I still consider times like that quality time with just the two of us.

And to my other two lovies. Kati- Thank you for giving me the tickets you purchased at Ro's event. I can't wait to give you the biggest hug. I so needed tonight, just to laugh and breathe a bit. You are an angel. My other lovie from NYC…. you know who you are. Can I call you Miss VF?? You are amazing in every way possible. For all you've done for me, and you don't even know me. But I know you know my heart, and you know Ronan's soul. I cannot wait for the day that you do really decide to stalk me so I can give you lots of hugs and kisses too:) Thank you. Seriously, music heals me. It is healing me and tonight helped so much. I love you both.

O.K. Ro. Mama's tired now. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you saw me smiling, laughing, and dancing for you, my little firework. I hope you are safe. I love you so much. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Serenity now

Deep breaths and an amazing friends have gotten me through this past 24 hours. We were admitted into the ER last night around 9:00 due to Ronan’s low grade fever. I didn’t have to wait in the waiting room of the ER; THANK GOD. It was beyond packed even at 9:00 at night. The doctor on call, called ahead to let them know I was bringing Ronan in. As soon as we arrived, I told them our name and we were taken back into a room in the ER. Ronan was really not feeling well and was so tired. He passed out pretty quickly as the nurses checked all his vital signs and drew his labs. My friend, Fernanda, sent me a text to say she was on her way to sit with me because she did not want me sitting alone. She came armed with Starbucks and a big hug. We sat for the next 5 hours, trying to get Ronan into a room on one of the floors. Fernanda was on a war path…. but in the sweetest way so. There was nothing the nurses/doctors could do as they kept telling us all of the rooms were full on the floors 2 and 3, which is where we were supposed to be going. We used every trick in the book and Fernanda even tried to bribe one of the nurses with some Oreos that she bought in the vending machine. Didn’t work, but we got a chuckle out of it anyway. Finally around 3:15 a.m., the nurse said we would just have to spend the night in the tiny, freezing cold ER room. I was not a happy camper, have been saying some not so nice words, but have now relaxed due to Ronan looking and feeling 100 times better than when I brought him in here. Dr. Maze came and helped me out around 8 a.m. by using his very charming/stern words to explain that we needed a room asap. An hour later we were whisked off to the 3rd floor. Thank god for that man.

I got about 3 hours of sleep last night and I’m sure Fernanda didn’t get much more, but guess who was here at 9:30 a.m. to bring me coffee and keep me company? She was. Did I mention that my darling Fernanda has 5 gorgeous children of her own all under the age of 7?? Talk about an amazing woman and friend. Ronan didn’t even mind her being here and that is unheard of with him! I ran home to shower while Fernanda stayed with him. Made my day! He always throws a fit when I leave him, but was completely fine with this friend of mine whom he hardly knows. After I returned back here, Fernanda left and I thanked Ronan for letting me go home to shower. He said to me, “Your welcome, I like your friend.” So sweet!!!! He also was sure to tell me how much he missed and and how he loves me to the moon and back. Ahhhhh, little man!!! That more than made up for the recliner chair I had to sleep in last night and my seriously jacked up back today:) He seems to be feeling much better but just as I suspected, his ANC is at 0 and he needs blood. We will be here for most of the week I suspect. Fernanda…. I’m never going to stop telling you thank you for being such an amazing friend to me. And stop with saying it’s nothing…. because it is, and it means everything to me! I am so blessed to call you my friend. I love you.

Sarah came over this morning to help get the boys ready for school and to take them as well. Thank you so much, Sarah the Saint. Auntie Karen picked the monkeys up from school with her daughter Olivia and took them home to do homework and then to get some dinner until Woody got home from work. Thank you both so much; I am so thankful that Liam and Quinn are in such good hands.

I am running on empty and have downed 2 giant cokes, 2 coffees, and a ton of water. My typical hospital meals. Ronan is sleeping now and they are getting ready to pre medicate him for his blood transfusion. I am trying my best to channel all of the inner peace and strength I have for this weeks hospital stay. I am calmer than normal and it has everything to do with the fact that Ronan seems pretty happy to be here. I found myself thinking selfish things today like, I so need a massage, a pedicure, a spa day, a bath and 12 hours of sleep to feel better. It turns out I needed none of those things because just having Ronan acting somewhat like his normal self and being so loving and sweet to me, made all of the whining and complaining I was doing in my head, disappear. I think he was feeling really crummy at home and now that he is starting to feel better I can see him coming back to me. He is comprehending so much these days for only being 3 1/2. He is confused as to why we are on the 3rd floor and keeps asking for his normal nurses like Sara, Arica, Danny, Kathy, and Amy. I tried to explain to him that it is because he has a little cough that we have to be on the third floor for the time being. With it being RSV season, any little sign of a cough and you are banned from the 2nd floor. Tonight, he was telling me about all the people that take care of him and who love him. He named Dr. Wood, Dr. Maze, Sharon, “A,” and then he goes and Dr. La Quaglia took the big Death Star (he calls his tumor the death star from Star Wars) out of my tummy. He even pronounced his name right which was so dang cute. Ronan is so smart and doesn’t miss a beat. I’ve got to start watching what I say around that kid:) We have had a great night together but are so beyond tired. I’m hoping to get a little sleep as I am exhausted from the happenings of last night and the 3 hours of sleep I am running on.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be even better as he starts to get his strength and health back. We’ve got to get him well before transplant and I would like to be able to enjoy our time at home before we go in for the long haul. Thanks for checking in and keeping Ro baby in your prayers and thoughts. We are so lucky to have all of you thinking of him. G’nite sweet friends. G’nite Daddy Woo. Hope you are enjoying our big bed all to yourself:) Miss you.

xoxo

Open Your Eyes

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won’t waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I’m getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won’t feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
‘Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you’ll open your eyes [x4]

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
‘Cause they don’t get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we’ll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
‘Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you’ll open your eyes [x8]

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won’t waste a minute without you