Dear overly concerned blog reader


I read your long comment today. I thought about it a lot. I just want to clear up a couple of things. First of all, a lot of the things I write, I write during the middle of the night, when I cannot sleep and my feelings come flooding out and rightfully so. I write without much thought, but with feeling instead. I understand how this may be misconstrued and sometimes I may be overly dramatic, but my feelings are always honest and true. The whole “no fear,” thing that has gotten a lot of people pretty concerned, is nothing to be worried about. I promise you all, I will not be jumping off the Coronado Bridge anytime soon. Am I less scared of things in life now that I have just lost my son? Absolutely. It would be one thing if I was shooting up heroin in the streets of a back alley, playing chicken with a train or even skydiving…. but come on peeps… I don’t even drink wine. I’m channeling my fear into doing things like surfing, which I’ve wanted to try my entire life, but was always too scared to. My running at night… what a stupid thing to be scared of before all of this. I’m always aware of my surroundings and it just happens to be at night when I am my most restless and taking my energy out on the pavement is my way of keeping myself in check. The living without fear thing anymore is coming more from a place of not being afraid to speak up, trying new things, and living a life that is worth living by putting fear aside and living with passion; as you never know when your time will be up. It is not about hurting myself, but more about pushing myself to be the best version of myself that I can be. To do that, a big part comes of letting go of fear. I am sorry if my posts sometimes get a little too dark, but darkness is a part of my life right now. I hope it won’t be forever, but it is here and as long as it is, I’m going to deal with it and not sweep it under the rug. I am hurt and I am sad. But I also have a conscious and a little chip programmed in the back of my head that tells me that I cannot get too crazy, because I have a family to live for. You know when you can all become officially concerned?? When I stop writing. When I stop speaking the truth. When I stop running and being active. When I stop being a mom. When I start doing every drug known to mankind and when I lock myself in my room and don’t come out for days. I just watched my son die and I did none of the things above. I’m pretty sure that I’ve hit the all time low that I’m going to hit and none of those things happened. So, overly concerned reader. You can relax. I am not going to let anything happen to Liam and Quinn’s mommy. This mommy was a mommy first to those to boys and I plan on staying that way.

I understand where you are coming from, but I can’t say I agree with much of it. There was a lot of judgement in your comment and you know I am not a huge fan of that. The fact of the matter is, you are just a reader. You don’t know me, my life, my family, and what goes on in our lives every second of the day. You are making judgements from an outsider looking in, by a blog that I am putting out there and that’s not fair. But it’s to be expected. It is my choice to write this blog, and I know judgements are everywhere and I’m o.k. with that. I am secure enough within myself to handle the daggers thrown my way. Are the things you said something that I would ever say to a stranger whom just lost their son? No way. Have you lost a child?? I am thinking not. You said you have lost loved one’s before, but I’m sensing not a child. That is like comparing apples to oranges and it has no relevance to a bereaved mother. Something in particular you said, was really out of line. You are putting words into my mouth and that is not o.k. with me. This was your lovely line: “you make it sound very clear that Ronan was your favorite child, and Liam and Quinn are being forced to live in his shadow. i dread the day they read your blog for themselves, because as much as you do love them – and it is clear you love them dearly – you state flat out that Ronan was your soulmate, your best friend, your partner in crime, your *everything*.”

So, lady….Wow. I’m not sure where to even start with this one. All I know is that I had no idea that I wasn’t allowed in my life to have all 3 of my children be my favorites, all three of them be my soul mates, all three of them, my everything. Because they are. If this had be Liam or Quinn, I would be feeling the same things I am feeling with the loss of Ronan. I love all three of my boys equally. Do I have different bonds with them? Of course. Was my bond with Ronan deeper? Yes, as of now, it is. But I think that is just a part of life, and bonds change due to time and circumstance. If you had just spent the last 8 months, fighting for your baby’s life, 24 hours a day, there is no doubt in my mind that the bond would be deeper and stronger than anything that has ever existed. To say that Ronan was my favorite is absolutely true. But so are Liam and Quinn. I love them just as much as I love Ronan and that will never change. I owe my life to Liam and Quinn because they have saved it. They are saving me every second of the day by reminding me of why I have to get out of the bed every morning, why I have to engage and interact with people when I really don’t want to. Those two little boys and my husband are the only things healing me right now. You really shouldn’t be afraid of the day that they read this blog; because they know in their hearts the truth. They will never doubt my love for them and if anything, I hope that this teaches them about the importance of living a life that is true and real. If you knew my twins, which you don’t, you would understand that they will not be scarred for life from this. You would understand that the things that they are learning from going through this are to always be proud of who they are, and they are both so different from Ronan. We embrace and encourage them to be who they are and always have which is why they are such amazing little guys. They will never live in Ronan’s shadow because to us, Ronan will never be a shadow. He will forever be a light that burns like the sun, he will forever be the most beautiful star in the sky. He will forever be the reason that Liam and Quinn hold their heads up high, love life, help others, and embrace all the beauty that they get to experience in a day, while learning never take things for granted. He will be the one helping as we push them to try harder and to become the best human beings that they are capable of. I, as there mother, will accept whatever this may be, whatever mistakes they make, by guiding them the as best I can and letting them learn by just loving them unconditionally.

I don’t re read what I write, but I don’t remember ever writing anything about telling the twins that they cannot express their fear. Am I missing something? If anything, I am pushing them to talk about their fear and whatever else they are feeling during the day. We spend a lot of the day talking about how they are feeling, what they are feeling, and I am teaching them that everything they are feeling, is normal and natural due to what we have just gone through. They cry when they are sad, laugh when they are happy, and are for the most part, are just trying to be little boys who are smothered with all the love in the world. Yesterday, when they were complaining about being cold in the ocean, not because they were scared, I made them suck it up and continue on. And I am so glad I did because you should have seen the waves they stared to ride and what a good time they ended up having. For just losing their brother, they are as happy as they can possibly be. They smile, laugh, fight, cry…. they do all the normal things that 8 years olds should be doing and Woody and I deal with it all by keeping our minds open and rules in place. We are taking this time at the beach to completely engulf ourself with each other. I feel like this is the best medicine. Not to shove therapy down their throats. What would you do? Keep them in Arizona all summer, throw them in a ton of therapy, all while they get to be reminded every second of the day that Ronan just died? No thanks, lady. I met with someone from New Hope in Phoenix who deals with grieving families for a living. She is very well-respected, educated, and this is what she does everyday and she has been doing it for a very long time. She loved the idea of us getting away together as a family, to take this time to heal, and to come back after the summer and start something together; as a family. She thought that was the best idea for us and I couldn’t agree more. This is our choice, not yours. This is working for us and as much as I may sound like I am not healing, I am. I have said before that I am broken into a million little pieces. But each day I can feel a piece being put back together and I believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are here, together.

As far as me calling you names for stating your opinions, that’s not going to happen. I don’t know you, so that would be totally unfair. I’ll just tell you to stick it where the sun don’t shine instead. Don’t even get me started on the not telling Liam and Quinn that Ronan is watching over them. What the hell is scary about that? If anything, while they are going through life, making mistakes and causing trouble.. if they choose to do so…. they will think of Ronan and know he would be laughing with them and right there by their sides. I am not going to turn this into a “OHHHH, you’d better not do anything wrong because Ronan “The Watcher,” will be there and he see’s everything you do.” Um, no. That is just creepy. I don’t think I’ve ever told them that Ro is up in heaven, looking down on them. It’s just been more of a Ronan is always with us, even though he’s not kind of a thing. He will forever be a part of our family and we intend to live with him in our hearts for the rest of our lives. They know he will be watching over them though. Guiding them, keeping them from harm, because now, he is their guardian angel.

So, overly concerned stranger. I probably should have just ignored your comment but I just wanted to set the record straight. We are doing the best we can and the choices we are making, are ours. All I’m asking is for a little respect and I have no doubt that mistakes will be made; but such is life. This is a learning process for all of us, but we are a very strong family. We are very strong individuals. We are going to be o.k. and we are going to heal, together. As much as I write things that are hard to read, it is my truth and I will not be denied of it. As much as I say I’m not going to survive this; I know I will because I refuse to let cancer have the final say.

The last little “proof,” that I am going to be o.k…. An email from my bestie today. She knows me better than anyone and she know what her role is right now. To love me and support me the way she always has and will always do. I love you, TT.

Just wanted to send you a note this morning to tell you how much I love you. I miss you. and how much I miss Ronan. Marisa and I got to have a little dinner together last night and we talked about him for a long time. I feel like I haven’t gotten to talk about him with people as much, they are scared to talk about it. But not me and Ris, it felt good and made us happy to remember. We talked about him as a baby, how he was a little devil, how he was the most beautiful baby we’ve ever seen and mostly how we still feel him around all the time. Marisa says she sees him in so many things that are beautiful, everyday. I told her about the hummingbird and how I don’t normally believe that but I couldn’t help it this time. I’m sending you a big hug and letting you know my heart is with you every second of the day. I’m thinking about you and Woody and the boys. I am with you in the no fear living…nothing will ever be the same. You are doing an amazing job, getting out of bed and being a strong mom for the boys. No one will ever question where Ronan got his fighting spirit. Continue to fight for each day , for him and the boys. I love you and miss you more than you know.

To everyone else who is concerned or worried. Thank you. Thank you for being worried and for good reason. But that you for doing it in such a way that you make me feel loved and not judged. Thank you for saying the right words, even when you say nothing at all and for respecting my space. I love you all so much. G’nite to you all. Sweet dreams. G’nite Ro baby. I missed you today. I missed you every second of today like I will do everyday for the rest of this long life without you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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169 thoughts on “Dear overly concerned blog reader

  1. Whitney

    Hey Mama,
    I didn’t read the post you are responding to, but just grieve the way you need to. There is no right or wrong way to do this. No one knows exactly what you are going through. I’m just keeping you and your fam in my prayers.

  2. Unknown

    I usually don’t like responding to posts because I feel I can bring no relevance to your life, but just wanted to make a comment in your defense. I feel personally, that if you had loved Ronan more than Liam and Quinn, you would lock yourself in your room all day and let the obvious pain of losing Ronan consume you and your family. When I read about you renting bikes, doing surf lessons, being away from “home” so the boys can have a little piece of happiness again, I know how much you love them!!! Against all of your pain and suffering you are fighting for them to move on and be happy again, even though you are struggling for that for yourself, you are putting THEM first, that’s the amazing love of being a mother, so kudos to you Maya!!

  3. Dani

    Although I can’t eve begin to imagine what you are going through I just wanted to say that from reading this blog (and often crying as I do) you seem like one hell of a strong woman.

    Kia kaha (stay strong)

  4. M

    And this is why ( among so many other things) you are amazing Maya!! However you do things is 100% the right thing for YOU and YOUR family… Although we have only briefly met, I can say that you are truly one of the most remarkable human beings I have ever met…keep living “no fear” lady!! XOXO
    Mandy

  5. Jera

    I missed something! I must go back and read. I mostly read to tune into reality. Life is not full of unicorns and rainbows, I wish it was. On a positive note, I really like feisty Maya! The path you trudge on everyday has to feel like you are in cement shoes. I wish I could carry a little of the grief for you. My third child is my “difficult” child and you remind me to enjoy our crazy moments, cherish the naughty. I think about you everyday. I suspect my family thinks I am weird because I care about your family. I don’t live in that bubble where I don’t think shitty things can happen to me. I can totally relate of being scared of trying new things. I don’t even like to drive at night because I feel like it is risky. The teenage me would be appalled. Please keep being real. I wish I knew people like you. I kinda thought I was the only one to say what needed to be said. Keep on keeping on Maya! This new tattoo hurts like a bitch I must tell you, so worth it. I am thankful for the day that I stumbled upon this blog. I cry almost every time I read it.
    “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
    “The worst crime is faking it.”

  6. Annie :)

    Oh Maya, you are so beautiful and raw!!!! I JUST LOVE IT!!!!!! that “counselor” or whatever she is well she just is what she is I’ll leave it at that I suppose. You just went through the worst thing that could possibly ever happen…..so what if u need to run at night or swim in the ocean… you’re family knows where they can find you right??? Yes, some of your posts have been a little dark but it should be expected, you’re a grieving mother who is both heart broken and exhausted and your writing at night, probably while everyone is sleeping and that’s when you naturally would miss Ro the most. There are no distractions from the truth when everyone you love is sleeping. Ro got the raw end of the deal, the whole thing is just FUCKED, so u say what you need to say, and you feel what you need to feel……and MOST of us will support you through that! BTW Your posts lately have been pretty uplifting I think, and I may be just another stranger, but I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!! You are “GETTIN SHIT DONE!” get it gurl!

  7. Heather

    I love your words, your honesty, and courage to say what you say… everything has to be so damn politically correct these days, fuck that. You give inspiration with your truths. I don’t envy your reasoning for any of this one bit but I wish I had started living without fear a very long time ago… and the fact that you are embracing the world and your opportunities at a time like this instead of shutting everyone/thing out is amazing and beautiful because you have been inspired by Ronan.. People will say the stupidest shit to get under your skin… trust me I’ve read comments left and they get me irritated… being a fellow Capricorn.. I feel our ‘attitudes’ are similar. 😉 so many people love you for who you are and what you are doing so keep on being YOU even the you that is in a million pieces because at least it is you and you aren’t some fake bitch… ♥ you Maya, every little tiny piece of you!!

  8. Cheryl

    You rock Maya !!!!! You are making progress..you go girl!!! I hope you enjoy your summer with Quinn, Liam and Woody. Keeping you all on my prayers, including that beautiful Ronan. Xoxo

  9. IRENE

    I don’t feel my words can bring anything to you which is why I never comment, but I am a faithful follower. I have no clue what this lady told you, but it kinda boiled my blood that she would pass judgement and you had to take the time to defend yourself. This is your blog, your space, your grief so Fuck her!! Thank you for being you. Prayers and strength to you and your family always!

  10. Jennifer Ann

    I dont know you or your family Maya but many many nights Ive sat here and cried reading your posts, I let balloons go in honor of your sweet little boy and Ive told his story to most I know. Honestly It pisses me off that someone dare say those things to you or about you! Its very crystal clear that you love ALL of your boys and of course you are going to have a very strong bond with Ronan how the hell could you not after all the two of you went through together. You are one of the strongest women Ive come in contact with and I have nothing but respect for you and I have never even met you or spoke to you. I just have to say fuck anyone who could dare write anything disrespectful on this painfully beautiful blog.

  11. K

    I agree with some of what “overly concerned reader” said! You gave an impression you didn’t care about your life or safety. Your talks of late night jogs, late night swims, or not eating. You do clear it up here in this blog but in your previous ones your fearlessness almost sounded like recklessness or not caring about your life. I also feel not letting your twins having their own fears & upsets doesn’t seem right. To compare them to Ronan doesn’t seem right or healthy to me either. “Ronan was never scared!” “Ronan never complained!” You say you aren’t a fan of judgment but you yourself judge. Making a comment to the person smoking is a judgment. You made a comment about the amount spent on the royal wedding & how it made you sick my wedding was $3000! How much was yours? I’m sure it was a lot more! The thought of a person spending $10,000 on a wedding or more makes me sick. I’m sure yours was a lot more than that. You need to realize people haven’t been through what you have. Your blog will educate them & make them realize these things. It is not your job to judge them on these things. These are only my opinions or thoughts, as are yours. Everyone is entitled to them!!!

    1. rockstarronan

      I have no idea where this wedding talk came from. You lost me on that one. I know I bitched about the Royal Wedding and with good reason. All the media coverage was sick, our whole society is sick and our children are dying of cancer everyday, but people choose to ignore it and live in a fantasy world and think it is acceptable. As far as the smoking “judgment,” goes. …. Smoking does cause cancer, people choose to do it. That is their choice, but when my child got cancer and fucking died from it he didn’t have a choice. To harm your body in such a way will never make sense to me. I may think something is stupid, like smoking. But I would wouldn’t go as far to say I am judging them. Facts are facts. Thanks for letting me know how much your wedding cost though…. That was totally weird.

      1. Nichole

        Maya~Don’t even waste your energy. It seems that people feel that they need to voice their opinions and pass THEIR “judgements” on YOUR blog. A blog is just that..a place for you to write how you feel, document your journey through this crazy life and most importantly it is your safe haven. A place for you to journal your daily tribulations and grieve your beautiful little boy. NO ONE has the right to tell you how you should feel, or what you should be doing..You are an amazing mommy and a courageous one at that!! I admire your strength daily. Ronan’s story is the reason I wake up everyday feeling grateful for the time that I have with my two beautiful babies. Your blog has kept me grounded and reminds me daily how precious our time is. I can go on forever telling you how amazing of a job I think you are doing, but I just want you to know that you rock and to remind you to not let anyone get under your skin. Until they have walked in YOUR shoes (which they never will) NO ONE has the right to judge!!! I love that you say what is on your mind and you don’t sensor your words. I was reading your most recent post just picturing you in a court room telling someone off..you rocked it BIG TIME!! You speak the truth and what is coming from your heart. Most people never say how they feel, living fearful of what “others” may think of them. Isn’t it ironic that the people that have something negative to say can’t even sign their name to it?? I find that rather humorous myself.

        Today is a new day so I hope that you embrace all of it’s beauty and enjoy the beautiful moments that you have with your family.

        To a day of LOVE, HOPE and HAPPINESS!!

      2. AL

        Are you kidding me?? What is wrong with people…. Who cares how much your wedding cost. Good lord. Maya I cant even believe that I am commenting on this. This is so absolutly insane. I think you are great. Im going to refer to you as RockstarMaya or Rockstar Mama. Screw these judgemental people… oh wait was that a judgement on my end.. geez I cant keep up.

        Thank you for writing this blog, I have read every last word that you wrote and what it has done for me is make me a better mother. I cherish my children every day and because of you ( unfortunatly it took that) I have learned to not stress over the small stuff. Life is far too short and all we need is a little fun and laughter and love. Thank you for that Maya. Enjoy the sun enjoy your family and greive how you need to greive.

      3. gina dondero-haynie

        maya, your reply to the gal regarding how much her wedding cost was so awesome!!!!!! i always say to myself “people will continue to blow your mind, if you let them” so funny when you said ” oh and thanks for letting me know how much your wedding cost, that was just weird” hahahahahaha your great !!!!!!

      4. Joyce

        I’m fired up…. Bunch of a-holes!!! 🙂 Maya keep writing..Ronan inspires me. I’m a better mommy and wife and I thank both of you. As my two year old daughter has said “shut the front door!!” -to all the f- ing judgement passes out there.

    2. Laura in El Paso

      I’m not sure when running or swimming at night, or not eating because thinking about food makes you wanna puke, became reckless. And spending 60 million plus dollars on a wedding is disgusting when that money could be used to help a ton of suffering people in this world.

      It is irrelevant what Mayas wedding cost and i dont know why you would bring it up at all. To me, it seems like you are just jealous because we all know that Maya and Woody are able to do things for themselves and their kids that a lot of us are unable to, but that’s a choice we have all made. Maya and Woody have worked hard for what they have. They both have college educations and Woody has a great job as a result of their hard work. If you want more advantages in life, then go out and earn them, but don’t tell someone else that they should be ashamed for what they have. The view of the world through the bubble you seem to live in must be a nice one… If you don’t like what Maya has to say, stop reading it.

    3. unknown

      Maya, Sometimes it’s hard to reply to some of your posts in fear of saying the wrong thing to you. Of course I don’t think anyone would ever try to intentionally put you down or make you feel as if they were judging you but I have noticed that if someone says what you don’t agree with or want to hear, you single them out and really put down their thoughts, idea’s or suggestions. I read the comment from the person whom you have dedicated an entire post to and though I can see you maybe taking offense to some of the comments in it because you are obviously and rightfully so, in a different state of mind, I saw alot of genuine compassion and concern because they genuinely care. Please keep in mind that any opinions formed are formed by what you write. Yes it is YOUR blog but no matter what you may say, you want people to read it so that you can get your story out about your son, the love you clearly have for him and how he was taken away from you over something that needs to be made more aware of. But in opening up your heart and telling your story, and making your blog public you have to be able to take peoples opinions and idea’s openly. You speak so openly and freely and that is what people love about you but there are alot of people out there who share that same characteristic and maybe not the same opinions. Just as you feel they are putting you down and that clearly pisses you off, you turn around and do the same thing to them when I think they are honestly trying to just say the right thing to you that they may feel could help you. Again I think it’s coming from the right place it just may not be coming out how you want to hear it or maybe you don’t want to hear it at all. I understand “Ks” point when when she is bringing up the whole wedding statement for example. It’s not necessarily about a wedding but how it’s O.K for you to do certain things or act a certain way but nobody else can. You just clearly don’t want to see her point.
      I’ve been following your blog for quit sometime because I was taken by your story. It was so sad and beautiful and sweet so I kept reading because I wanted too but many times now you have said things that I don’t necessarily agree with such as the way you think about death and the after life. Our time here on earth is so minimal compare to how long eternity is. But you don’t want to hear any opinions or thoughts on that because it offends your upsets you or its not what people should say to someone who has lost a child. Your right, the majority of us don’t know how it feels, all we know is that we just care. There is no guide book for us on what to say so you should go easy on us. My daughters 13 year old friend passed away about 3 weeks ago after a year long battle with brain cancer. They are a Mormon family who look at death completely different than you do because of their strong religious beliefs so the things that they say and how they handled her death are completely different than you. Thats ok because each and every single one of us is a different kind of person with our own thoughts and idea’s and beliefs. They had a completely different outlook on her death than you do and the things that I feel I should say to them are not the things that I feel I could say to you. I’m sure they missed their daughter terribly but being the same religion as them myself, I know the hope they have which takes away so much of their sadness that would be there if they did not know the things that they know. I have 4 sisters and I have begged with them to read your blog. I have posted links on my FB page and each time I brought it up, they all say they can’t read it because there is to much darkness and negativity. I see that as well and I understand where it comes from but I see glimpses of light to at times and that’s maybe why i keep reading I guess.
      Anyways, thats my opinion and I have to say it because I too am an outspoken person who sometimes people tend to think I am a bitch…oh well…whatever you can go ahead and rip my hole for this and then I won’t feel comfortable posting on your blog anymore like the others.

      1. rockstarronan

        I welcome the opinions on here. To each their own. I like that you are outspoken and have an opinion. Thank you for sharing yours with me and doing it in a way that I totally respect:) And I welcome any and every religious belief and I am often envious of people that have such a deep faith as I feel that is something I am lacking. It sure would make this whole thing a lot easier, but I am just doing the best I can, given the tools I have. Thanks again for sharing with me and disagreeing with me. It is expected, it is welcomed, and I know that comes with everything I choose to put out there which is more than a lot of people can handle.

    4. S

      1. Fucking Weird. 2. Unless you’re serving string cheese and hostess cupcakes while you wear your sister’s white prom dress in someone’s backyard…then your wedding is going to cost more than 3k. There…see…I’m being judgey, and I own it.

  12. Amanda

    Maya, do what you need to do to, run when you want to, surf when you want to, do what you want to do when you feel the need to do it, love you mama maya

  13. Amanda

    there are a few things i would like to say to this “concerned reader” but i will refrain, mama maya as the majority can tell you are being the best mom a mom can be in this situation, as you said, unless this person has been through exactly what you have been through, she has no room to talk. you are truly an inspiration to me and everyone following this beautiful love story, you are such a strong mom and woman. NEVER CHANGE EVER, you are amazing.

  14. Paula

    Well said!!!

    I can not believe that someone who has never met you or your family has so much to say !!!

    Are you kidding me advice on your sons even with the best intentions this is so completely wrong !!!

    Stay strong xxx

  15. k

    My only point is you claim to not pass judgment but you do. Is smoking wrong? Yes! Is it your place to tell every smoker? Probably not! But to each his own! The wedding comment is an example of your judgment! To a person like me who spent a couple thousand on a wedding a person like you who spent probably tens of thousand on a wedding seems foolish! Just like a person like you who spent tens of thousand on a wedding, millions spent on a wedding seems ridiculous! Its all about perspective! You have a perspective that most of us will never have! I think it would be best used written in your blog & for others to read & learn on their own from,than for you to shove it down other throats by making rude comments!

    1. rockstarronan

      I said it causes cancer, because it does. To each there own is right, and perspectives change especially after watching a child die. You have no clue about my wedding nor is it any of your business. All I know is I was very young when I got married and lived in a life protected by a great big bubble, but I have always been a grounded person and being surround by the small group of people at our wedding meant more to me than any price tag no matter how big or how small.

      1. rockstarronan

        Maybe you should stop reading this blog, go down to the oncology unit wherever you live and volunteer. Then come back to me after you’ve gained some perspective, sweetheart. This is my blog, my feelings, and if I feel like shouting piss, fuck, cock to the world, I will. My fucking son just died! Cut me a little slack because you have no idea what it feels like to be in my shoes!!!!
        Go start your own fucking blog about the judgements you think i pass on people. My hopes are maybe a smoker will read this and maybe they will stop smoking and save their life!!!!!!!

      2. jen

        I am a smoker and took your comment to heart and have now been smoke free for 2 whole days, just went cold turkey because of your words which by the way DID NOT offend me but they did open my eyes to how selfish I was being and how I do Not have the right to purposely cause myself harm by smoking and risk taking myself away from my kids, unlike you I am being given a choice and because of you and ronan I will not waste it! I Thank You, my Kids Thank You, and I am pretty sure anyone else that loves me thanks you too. So for all of them getting mad at what they called your “rude” comment maybe the truth hurts them I know it did me but that was not your fault it was my own fault! I feel as if I should apologize for even ever making the choice to smoke but back then in my ignorance I never realized what we all take for granted and I thank You and Ronan for NOT allowing me to take my health, my kids or my Family for granted anymore.

      3. Lea

        Please stop attacking Maya. All of these points of weddings and smoking are mute and unnecessary. She has a right to an opinion, whether you like it or not. You have the right to not read this blog if you so choose, but please, allow her to grieve. There are sooooo many levels to grief and various depths of emotions, allow her that, without judgement. You don’t ever mess with a mama bear and her cubs…..its a losing battle!

      4. Jamie Harms

        where the hell did all this wedding talk come from? the only thing I have ever heard maya say about any kind of wedding was the wedding of Prince William and I think it’s disgusting how much they spent on it. I have been reading this blog since it began and I’ve never heard anything about Maya’s wedding. And why should we? this is a blog about her son and how she’s dealing with things. I think she is allowed to pass judgement as her son just died of cancer. I wish I had the balls to walk up to this lady who comes into the swimming pool so her grandson can do his swim lesson and tell her how much she reeks of cigarettes and maybe she should cut back. I mean she stinks the joint up and it’s disgusting. keep doing what you are doing Maya. you are strong. Don’t let a couple of ignorant people get to you. People need to remember to just keep their mouth shut. That this isn’t helping you or your family. Here’s that poem I found a few weeks ago. I think people need to abide by it. Much love to you Maya and to your family as well.

        Love, Jamie (Simpson Harms)

        Don’t Tell Me
        Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
        Unless you have lost your child too,
        Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
        Because that is just not true,
        Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place,
        Though it is true, I want him here with me,
        Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,
        Beyond today I cannot see,
        Don?t tell me it is time to move on,
        Because I cannot,
        Don?t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
        Because denial is something I can’t stop,
        Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
        Because I wanted more,
        Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
        I’ll never be as I was before,
        What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
        That you will listen when I talk of my child,
        You can share with me my precious memories,
        You can even cry with me for a while,
        And please don’t hesitate to say his name,
        Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
        Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
        But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

        Judi Walker
        (In Memory of Shane)
        Copyright 1998

      5. AL

        Wow….. Im going to judge here but what an aweful person, Seriously Go away…! Whats with the unneccessary drama, these comments are supposed to help maya not beat her down. Give me a break. And Maya your FUCKING awesome…

        Please dont stop writing Maya….

      6. Staceylyn1471

        Woohoo for Jen! You go girl! It took my dad’s passing from a heart issue for me to stop smoking. He had quit 10 yrs ago; stuff like that can scare you straight…I smoked for over 20 yrs. Its been 10 months without a cigarette…I can run up the stairs without huffing and puffing! I can chase the dog around the yard and play with him without needing to stop and catch my breath. My resting heart rate is down to 58, my blood pressure is down to 112/64 and I can breath in the morning…

        Don’t let the coughing get you down, or scare you…your lungs are trying to heal and claring out the built up gunk. It can last for a while. It took me about 4 months to stop hacking up the crap I coated my lungs with over 20+ years. And its normal to get sick at first. I got a cold, a sinus infection and an ear infection as my body tried to clear out all the gunk and nicotine through my mucus membranes. My doctor was annoyed with all the visits, but thrilled I was sticking to my guns to be smoke free.

        My dad will be gone for a full year next month. It was wholly unexpected and traumatic. He was scheduled to play a round of golf the day he passed. He never showed up for his tee time.

        Death is scary in its finality. I cannot imagine what the impact of losing a child would be on every aspect of life. I know that losing my daddy was bad enough. He was the rock that kept my world grounded and secure. He was the structure I founded my life upon, the example of how life should be lived and how to navigate it when it got sketchy. I know he believed in an afterlife. I hope he is right in his belief. I hope I get to see him again. But for now, it hurts. It hurts a lot.

        I may not have lost my son, Maya, but I know the pain of loss. I cannot imagine dealing with it as well and as fearlessly as you seem to be doing. I see that some people are not knowledgeable enough about the grieving process or the psychology of loss to understand that not only is it ok for you to be angry and express it in whatever manifestation it takes on (being upset about smokers around children is never a bad manifestation!) but that as you progress through the stages of grief back and forth and skipping around and stalling in one stage or another, you will have immense and powerful feelings that will seem at odds with each other and with the world at times. This is all ok. You do what you need to be alright in the world. Everyone else can go to hell if they don’t like it. At least that’s how I’ve been handling my loss this last 11 months.

        Good and loving thoughts are coming for you while you run at night or spend the day in bed not eating, or take surfing lessons….they’re speeding towards you regardless…

        Take care.

    2. Amy

      K, Maybe you aren’t aware that this is not an OPEN FORUM but Maya’s PERSONAL BLOG. She surely does not need to be defending herself to you. Please stop. Please you’re insensitivity is breaking my heart and you are missing her points. I beg of you to stop.

    3. marley

      K, when my sisters and I lost our mom after a failed Bone marrow transplant, which is grusome to watch we spent months fighting the urge to tell every person we met the “truths” we had just learned. I wish I had been smart enough to write a blog to get it out instead of yelling at people at the grocery store. The discrepency of life and living and experiencing illness makes reentering the world very difficult, because you do become privy to some perspective that no one else has. Maya is not being judgemental she is struggling to combine 2 very stark worlds. And with the amazing strength she has shown and with more time ( I didn’t leave the house for over a month when my mom died, I can’t imagine a child) she will.
      K- give a grieving mother a break, and I think volunteering at an oncology unit is an excellent idea, you will be changed by what the human spirit can endure.

    4. Julie

      Wow,”K”! You are completely insensitive, ignorant, and just plain out of line! And no…that is not a judgment but actually an observation given your comments. Maya’s point, which you clearly missed, is that nobody had the right to judge her for how she is grieving and how she is handling this whole process. The reality of life is that people do judge each other from time to time but NOBODY has the right to judge her for how she is handling the loss of her son. You obviously can’t even begin to understand what it might feel like to fight with every bit of your being to save your son’s life only to have him taken from you. If you did, you would have kept your mouth shut and not decided to attack a mother who is grieving for her child! Of course she has a reaction when she sees someone smoking a cigarette. Who wouldn’t after just losing a child to cancer??? It’s like a slap in the face! Given what she is going through…she is entitled to make all the rude comments she wants. If you don’t agree with how she is handling the situation or think what she says is wrong, why not keep it to yourself? Why do you care so much that you could make such awful comments? Just don’t read her blog!

      Maya, I know that I am not alone in being grateful for your truth and honesty. You truly are an inspiration to so many of us. When I try to put myself in your shoes for just even one second and try to imagine what it would feel like to lose my little boy, sickness and pain washes over my whole entire body. So when I read the things you say about how you have no fear or that you don’t care about your own life, I completely understand. That is how I would feel if I were in your situation and I know you don’t mean it literally. You are just expressing your feelings. I think you are doing an amazing job guiding Liam and Quinn through this process of grieving. Please, please, please don’t let awful people like “overly concerned” or “K” get to you. There are so many more of us who have forever been changed for the better by your willingness to share this journey with us. Thank you for that. You truly are an inspiration in so many ways!

    5. CW

      Seriously “K”, shut the fuck up! Who the hell do you think you are to talk to Maya this way? Who do you think you are to say these comments to a mother who just lost her beautiful boy? Maya is right, stop reading her blog, but more importantly, keep your fucking opinions to yourself. No one cares what you think. We read Maya’s blog, not yours. I feel pity for you that you are so clueless. You really think it is okay to give your opinion? I don’t recall Maya asking for it. The reality is we are all judgmental, some more than others. No one is perfect. But the fact you feel the need to keep driving home your irrelevant point is ridiculous.

      Maya, I apologize for writing with such anger on your blog, but I cannot stand ignorant people. I don’t know you, I don’t know your pain, but I will defend you like a sister. You don’t ask for our comments so frankly, I think people just need to stop commenting. This blog is for you. I’m really sorry these stupid people feel the need to make comments. Good for you for both standing your ground and being A LOT more eloquent than I am being.

      And “K” show us that you are actually human by stopping your responses and commenting.

    6. Amy

      “k,”
      Maya must have mailed you the receipts from her wedding – you speak with such conviction about its pricetag. Thank you, too, for sharing your wedding’s financials with all of us readers. We can finally sleep at night, knowing the cost of your wedding.

    7. Meredith

      I’ve visited many blogs. I’ve seen terrific debates and not so terrific debates. K, stop and think about what your goal is here. Is it to help a grieving mother, or is it to make your own point for your own sake? Down the road, Maya can be open to debates of all sorts..She is intelligent and thoughtful about the world; right now, she needs to feel things and do things as they come. I have two healthy children. How about you? I cannot begin to imagine what I’d do or say or feel or think if anything happened to either one of them. She’s sharing her struggles, her gains, her family, herself and while opinions from the ‘public’ are part of the blog world, please just step back and realize that this isn’t a battle or debate for you to fight. And this really isn’t the forum for that sort of thing. It’s just not appropriate.

  16. Sarah

    Wow, I can’t believe more people are getting in on this. ‘k’ it seems to me, YOU are the one passing judgment. I think no one can know what Maya is going through, and surely she is just venting a little on her own blog.

    Maya, I commend you, I feel for you, I never want to be in your shoes, but you are an inspiration to me. And you can pull off a pair of running shorts!

    I think it’s time to just ignore the negative people in your life and on here.

  17. jenn

    Wow I don’t even no where to begin. I don’t understand how people who don’t no you can be so cruel. That K person doesn’t even make sense. Who the hell cares what you or anyone else for that matter spent on their weddings. As far as the smoking comment everyone knows smoking is bad for your health and you have every right to say what you said. Your right Ronan didn’t have a choice. As stupid as it is I am a smoker and I wasn’t offended by what you said if anything it only made me want to quit more so I’m going to get the patch I’m not as strong as some people I don’t think I could do it cold turkey. I hope you don’t allow these ignorant people upset you they so are not worth the energy instead put that energy into your into your family. Keep on being you, an inspiration to many!!!

  18. chrisie

    Hi Maya-WoW-very well said. Although I don’t write often I do read every post. I have to tell you that I have been amazed by your strenght and admire your honesty. Keep up the good work and hang in there. So many are praying and rooting for you.
    Thinking of you always
    Love
    Chrisie and Ava

  19. Stefanie

    Wow! people are amazing, aren’t they? Why does anyone in this world feel like they have the fucking answer for you or have the nerve to tell you what they think you are doing wrong? I personally understand every thing you say and do. I have never lost a child, so I can’t say I have felt what you feel and I hope I never do, but I look at my son and I get it and you, as much as I can at least. I personally think you are doing an amazing job. I think you are an amazing mother and person doing the best you can with what you got dealt. I can’t even believe that people could even feel that this is the time or place to bash you, your feelings, and your survival skills. Because that is what you are doing, learning to survive and that is a hard thing to do for someone who just went through what you did. These people could just be like, “ugh, I don’t like her blog” and stop reading! I read it because you teach me a lesson everyday about live and being a great mom. I wouldn’t waste my time if I thought negatively about you. Keep it up maya! Keep writing and fuck them! You are doing awesome.

  20. Cara

    This is the part of blogging that completely pisses me off:( You have every right to write what you’re feeling mama. Out of the THOUSANDS of people that read this blog, screw the one person that doesn’t have anything better but to judge how you live, ugh. We love you, we love reading your posts, and truly you have changed so many of us already!!

    Love to you!

  21. Sonja

    I hate that you had to use your energy explaining yourself! I have some advice for you ( I’m definitely not big on giving advice). The next time you START reading a negative comment, just STOP. Don’t waste your time! Move on to the next comment. I don’t know you Maya, but I’m pretty protective of you. I guess because I understand getting that cancer diagnosis, I understand Ronan being your soulmate. I get all of that. I feel like our job as readers is to support you. If we have positive words to share, leav e a comment. If anyone ever reads your posts and start to feel like we need or want to pass judgement, then it’s time move on to the next blog! We don’t understand how you feel. I truly appreciate you sharing your soul with us, sharing your story, sharing your Ronan. I read your posts everyday but rarely do I comment. Come on, what could we really say besides I’m so sorry you have to go through this?? So I don’t comment, but I’m always a listening ear. I hope you continue to share with us.

  22. A

    Oh Maya!!!! This is the last thing you should have to deal with right now:(. It breaks my heart to read the recent comments from to whom I’ll refer to as impostors!! This is your safe place to write your feelings and gain support. I hope you know, regardless of these resent comments, you have endless love, support and understanding lined up all over the world!!! You truly are doing an amazing job…. Much better than most of us would be doing! So keep on doing whatever gets you through each day! You are an amazing mom, wife and friend. Sending you warm hugs. Hope you have a refreshing day at the beach surfing with your boys! Hang in there Mama!!! xoxo

  23. Pamela

    Wow. Some people are nuts. Maya you are amazing! You are their Mommy and you know what’s best for them and it sounds like they are having a fantastic summer with you.

    Because you write such raw feelings is why I love this blog. Those are yours and you don’t write to impress anyone or make anyone else happy. And if that’s what people come here for they should just skip along on their merry way!

    The fact that you are still writing and getting up each day and living life with your boys shows your strength. It’s only been a short time. Most people would just be a puddle of goo in the corner!!

    Keep going baby! You do you!

  24. nancy weber

    I don’t know you personally Maya but I understand! You are doing just what you should be doing and your doing GREAT! You do the hard work so beautifully! You are truly an inspiration to us all!!!

  25. Cheska

    The only thing I am concerned about is how thin you are, and that is only because I am a jealous fatty. 😉

    Everyone grieves in their own way, and for someone to judge you on that is abhorring. We all wear different shoes and regardless of whether or not they have walked a similar path, the circumstances surrounding each and every one of us exclusively distinct.

    I think it is to be commended that you have the balls to tell someone that their cigs cause cancer — they do! Maybe if more of us were a little more outspoken, instead of constantly monitoring and censoring ourselves, we could truly make a difference when it comes to awareness.

    Keep doin what you are doing, Rockstar Maya!

  26. Anne

    Wow Maya I think if these people need to post such nasty things they need to stop reading your posts. I thought this was YOUR site to post your feelings, concerns, etc. Really unless these people have walked in your shoes they should shut the hell up! If they would look at your pictures you post they will see the true smile on your face, light in your eyes and the joy on ALL your faces!
    So from one NB mom to another…keep doing what you are doing…loving and living life as best as we can!

    XO
    Anne

  27. berrymrs

    K, wow, why so much anger? Maya’s blog is like reading her diary. It is a privilege she allows us to be a part of her thoughts. Let her keep writing freely because she is doing what she needs to in order to get through her days. I don’t want her to ever feel like she has to censor herself. If you don’t like what she says, stop reading. I think her honesty is the reason she has so many followers that will be compelled to help her battle this disease. I just don’t think causing her more stress is in any way, shape or form good for her. Let her be.

    Peace

  28. Starlene DeBord

    Maya,

    All I can say is WOW! How dare these people or person have the audasiddy to judge you in any negitive way! I see that someone may be a little concerned for your well being…but seriously what you have just went through and are still going through!! Seriously now…who knows or has any right to judge anything you write! I think it’s so awesome that you are doing this …and the things you wrtie feelings and all may be easier for you to write then to say out loud! It all needs to come out in one way or another! It obviously helps you get through the moments! I think you are AMAZING!!!!!!! Going out and doing adventurous things that you have always wanted but were afraid to try! Maybe if for just one minute these people could be a little like you they would see! You now have the strength of Ronan 100% with you always!!! And what is the worse thing that could happen??? You are VERY STRONG AND AMAZING spending quality time with Quin and Liam…..You not only have your own grief that you are going through but also for the twins and your husband!!! Maybe they were’nt taught some very valuable things while growing up EX… If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t speak!!!!!!!! It kills me that they would even put a second of thought or energy to write these things to you!! You are AMAZING and screw those idiots!!!!!! I hope you have a BEAUTIFUL day!!! Give Liam and Quinn extra HUGS from me!!!! Enjoy every second of your day today…whether it’s a sad memory and a happy new one!!!!!!! ❤

    Starlene DeBord
    sdebord9763@wowway.com

  29. ROBIN

    Maya don’t waste your time and energy with the haters… They are just random people that like to stir the pot. You just keep on being the Mama Bear that I wanna be when I grow up lol- I’m 48. You rock girly!!! I hope 2 give you a big hug should our paths cross one day. (((Hug)))

  30. jessanne1980

    You go Maya! Who’s this lady above to you? No one!!! I need to go back and catch up on the concerned reader ordeal, because I haven’t read for a couple days….but this chic “oh a person like you probably spent tens of thousands on your wedding.” Piss off lady! Who’s judging who? I agree, if you’re going to be negative, stop reading. It’s that simple. Freedom of speech Maya, never forget it. Lovin ya from Longview….enjoy the ocean today!

  31. Kim

    K- what’s your deal? Why do you feel the need to argue with a bereaved mother about how she grieves?? Do you feel superior now that you’ve caused a woman, who just buried a child, more stress? I don’t get it. Their are plenty of celebrity blogs for you to spew your hate on, head that way. I’m going to pass judgement right now, you’re an sssh%*e, who needs to feel superior to others because your life is pathetic. That’s just my perspective…rock on mama Maya!!

  32. Mary

    Damn K is a straight bitch!! I want to whoop her ass!! K don’t let me find out where you live!! Maya you rock! You seem to me to be the strongest and most loving mother in the world!! You inspire me everyday!! I am at beach in TX right now with my family and it makes me think of you even more!! I want to learn to surf!! Xo

  33. Dawn

    For what it is worth, I think you are doing a hell of a job! I am sitting here absolutely appalled that anyone would have the audacity to say such things. I read this every day and am amazed by the fact that you can even get out of bed, let alone keeping your days so fun filled for the twins. Keep hanging in there just the way you are doing! Always, always thinking and praying for all of you!

  34. Alyssa Crews

    Great post Maya. You have such wisdom and I’m so blessed to learn from you. I’ve been “living a life that is worth living by putting fear aside and living with passion” now because of your example. And because of Ronan. I can’t ever thank you enough for that. You are the strongest, most passionate person I’ve come across. Don’t ever change. Believing…
    Alyssa

  35. KT

    Love you Mama!!!!! xoxo

    To writers JS and K, you both are so out of line it’s sickening!! Go away!!

    To writer K, who gives a flying “F” how much you spent on your F- in wedding!!! Who gives a shit!!

  36. kh

    maya, i never usually comment but please don’t even waste your time or energy with these insane people and their comments. i don’t know why they are even reading your blog if they have a problem with it. keep doing what you are doing. heal the way that feels right. the only thing that matters is your & your family’s health. screw the others and enjoy your time at the beach.

    oh and my wedding cost $50,000 because like you i was young and living in a bubble. if i could go back i would and have something small and then donate the rest to your foundation.

    …i went to hs w/ marisa back in pa and she introduced me to your blog through fb. i read it everyday to remind myself what is important. thanks

  37. Katie

    Really, wtf. This is mayas blog. K, you sound like a miserable person..sorry if you had a small,crappy wedding.

  38. Elizabeth

    I loved your well thought out resonse to the (ironically) judgemental poster. It was embarrasing to read actually. It was a very ego driven comment and doesn’t deserve any more attention.

    I wanted to tell you that your blog has been such an eye opener to me and is truly the most raw and open expression of emotion that I think I’ve ever encountered. I honestly have to remind myself on occasion that you and those around you that you write about are real. I have caught myself several times imagining that you are nothing more than characters in a book because realizing that what I am reading is your current reality is just to difficult sometimes. The only thing I can think to compare it to is that it’s like looking at the sun. It hurts to look, but it’s just so amazing that you can’t look away sometimes. I want to thank you for opening up your life and sharing every day. It may not always be what everyone wants to hear (because obviously 99.9% of us want to hear that you had a wonderful day and how you feel like things are getting better), but to have it any other way wouldn’t be authentic and your authenticity is what we love about you.

    Thank you.

  39. Alyssa Crews

    And K, whoever you are, get a grip! WTF. Do what Maya said, go volunteer at the oncology unit, feel the knot in your throat that’s impossible to swallow down when you walk through those doors, feel uncomfortable, keep doing it until you are used to being around little bald heads, fall in love with them, be their friend, your heart will break (I promise you because I’ve done it for two summers) and it won’t even be anything close to what Maya feels because those kids are not your child. And for that, you can fall on your knees and thank God, (or somebody anyways.) I admire Maya for her insight, for sharing her crisis so that we can learn from it and become better people.

  40. Farrah

    Oh, Maya, glad to see you fighting! The world is full of know it alls, isn’t it? Last I checked, this was your blog, talking about your life, your family, your feelings. Right? Anybody who reads this blog can tell that this is a form of therapy for you. You get to say what you’re feeling, all honesty, no filter. Good for you! If someone dosen’t want to hear your honest feelings, then they should go elsewhere. No one is being forced to read your writing. I went back and read the comment that started this all, and it is infuriating. She does not get it. It’s that simple. One little thing she said that I can personally refute is that telling the boys that Ronan is watching them will scare them or put pressure on them to be perfect. My father passed away when I was 6. I can’t tell you how many people told me that my father would always be with me, that he was watching over me, that he was my guardian angel, etc. Didn’t scare me at all. I always felt comforted by the idea that my dad was there. I am 34 now, and I still wholeheartedly believe that my dad watches over me and that he has been able to witness the important moments in my life. Just because his body couldn’t be here has never meant that his spirit wasn’t. My daddy loves me from afar, and I believe I’m a pretty happy well adjusted adult. Not damaged for life. I also have to say to the person that commented today about you being judgemental and the wedding stuff, I think she missed the point. When you were talking about the royal wedding, you were commenting on how ridiculous it was to spend that kind of money on a wedding with all the problems in the world. I watched the wedding, it was beautiful, and I enjoyed it as much as any other single gal in the world. But really “K” it was ridiculous. Get some perspective! That’s what Maya was saying. That money could have saved lives! And Maya’s right, smoking causes cancer. She was just making a public service announcement. Maya, I think you are amazing and I am proud to call you a friend. Even though I’ve never met you, you are totally the kind of woman I want to be associated with. Strong, smart, sassy, loving, honest, and real. Love you all lots. Keep doing what you know to be best for yourself, and your family. And really, tell everyone else to fuck off.

  41. Christina

    Maya,

    All I can say is WELL SAID! I appreciate your passion, your drive and your attitude in that you will NOT allow cancer to have the last word! I say a prayer for you most days and hope that you will continue to heal, as only you know how. I hope that today is a wonderful day at the beach! Have a great day and THANK YOU for giving me words of wisdom on a daily basis! I hope that you continue to write, because I for one would miss you and your words. Big Hug from Illinois!! 🙂

  42. megan pena

    Wow, I have never commented before but read through other comments and felt the need to say SOMETHING, let’s see if I can get it out right. This is YOUR journey and YOUR grief. There is NO perfect way to grieve and anyone who tells you how to do so is invalidating your experience. I say this as a licensed psychologist (obviously not working with you or anyone associated with this blog) who is in awe of your resilience. Where you are NOW is not where you will be next week or next year. This is all a part of your journey and you NEED to allow yourself to feel what you do–it’s when we as humans attempt to avoide/escape/diminish these emotions that we actually make things worse. You do an amazing job of expressing yourself in such colorful ways–THAT IS WHY WE ALL READ YOUR BLOG EVERY DAY–because of your ability to share your experience. If some people paid more attention, they would see that while you speak of not being fearful–it is because you are liberating yourself from the fear that that held you so tightly for so long. They would see that you speak of hope for the future–because of your resolve to make the Ronan Thompson Foundation be phenomenal–it is clear that you are getting to a place where you can move forward with it the way that you feel will be most meainginful and most effective. I get it, I do, I can never feel your pain and never know what you have to live through each and every day, but I can clearly see your strength and resilience and Liam and Quinn are and will benefit so much from that. You are amazing and I think anyone who wants to tell you what you should be doing and how to do it can simply fuck off. With much respect–MP

  43. Tricia

    I just want to tell you how sorry I am Maya. I’m sorry that your baby isn’t here anymore. I’m sorry that the pain will never go away. I’m sorry that our society SUCKS and worries more about the labels on their clothes than one another. Some people are just plain mean and the ugliness inside them loves to kick you when your down. My daughter and I have this thing we do when people try to knock us down. We brush our shoulders off and say “shew..shew..fly” So to that mean and nasty person say “shew..shew..fly” cause Maya is here to stay! Don’t stop being the amazingly strong woman that so many of us love to read about. You have a gift, your ability to hold nothing back and tell it how it is, is one to be admired and not mocked.

  44. Amy

    Amazing Maya, you are my hero! I think the only thing that perked my ears up was that you had a creepy encounter with a man. I sure as hell can’t fathom anything happening to you! That’s all I was concerned about and YOU KNOW you have a MILLION people loving you & your family……..The rest of it, I am amazed by your class, composure and ability to do all you are doing. And if someone wants to feel sorry for a parent being harsh……have them feel sorry for me at 15 I was sitting on the console steering the blazer with my dad and he was yelling at me about one thing or another so I stopped steering, he in turn let the blazer drift off toward a ditch and said ” you can quit now or we’re going in that ditch” and I grabbed the wheel. The moral was you can’t quit when it gets tough, I get what he was trying to teach me and I was being a baby about it. UGH, I’m so bugged out right now. I think it’s pretty self righteous to say “You should feel this now, you shouldn’t do that, you should do this’ WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? Mr/Mrs. Maya Authority ? &%*)$!!!!!!!!!!!!

    As soon as someone signs their name 100% approved perfect, NO ONE can comment on YOUR FEELINGS AND OPINIONS – go read The Pioneer Woman’s blog & leave Maya alone. You don’t get to go thru what you did then be judged by strangers, and now I know why NieNieDialogues closes her comments.

    I love you and think you are the most amazing woman of our century…….no shit.

    xoxo
    Amy

    PS. Noticed no one commented on your hospital roommates being alone on end, while you were with Ro EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR 8 MONTHS? and in my OPINION going through that experience alone would make anyone closer, I would expect that, but what the hell do I know?

    If you aren’t here for love & support to LIFT THIS WOMAN UP – GO AWAY~

  45. christine

    Maya, I have been following your blog for a while now and you are an amazing STRONG women. That blog reader needs to walk one minute in your shoes!!! No one has the right to tell you how to grieve the loss of your son. Keep your head up high and keep writing sweetie!!!

  46. Peggy

    I normally don’t reply to blogs but I just wanted to tell you that you are an amazing person. Your son just died and your feelings are raw. Don’t worry about what others have to say about you. You are just trying to stay afloat and I think you are doing an outstanding job with your twins. Until so eons has walked in your shoes, they have no idea what it is like. Have a fun day with your boys!

  47. TC

    Maya,
    Good Morning, My dear, you wasted your precious time responding to that “cold, judgemental,eratic,selfless,nasty, email….. not to mention, not having the compassion to understand the loss of a beautiful, precious child.
    She is too self absorbed to understand how this Little Rockstar had impacted all of our lives thru your beautiful sharing….
    No more about the blogger, becasue now they are wasting my time…..
    My heart is with
    you

  48. simone atkinson

    Maya, I read your blog and either cry with sympathy or am amazed at your strength. Because I think I would be living in a cardboard box on Van Buren if this happened to me….so I think you are unbelievably strong. Don’t worry about what some stranger says. So sorry you have to deal with that crap.

  49. mp

    (please delete my first comment with my full name)

    Wow, I have never commented before but read through other comments and felt the need to say SOMETHING, let’s see if I can get it out right. This is YOUR journey and YOUR grief. There is NO perfect way to grieve and anyone who tells you how to do so is invalidating your experience. I say this as a licensed psychologist (obviously not working with you or anyone associated with this blog) who is in awe of your resilience. Where you are NOW is not where you will be next week or next year. This is all a part of your journey and you NEED to allow yourself to feel what you do–it’s when we as humans attempt to avoide/escape/diminish these emotions that we actually make things worse. You do an amazing job of expressing yourself in such colorful ways–THAT IS WHY WE ALL READ YOUR BLOG EVERY DAY–because of your ability to share your experience. If some people paid more attention, they would see that while you speak of not being fearful–it is because you are liberating yourself from the fear that that held you so tightly for so long. They would see that you speak of hope for the future–because of your resolve to make the Ronan Thompson Foundation be phenomenal–it is clear that you are getting to a place where you can move forward with it the way that you feel will be most meainginful and most effective. I get it, I do, I can never feel your pain and never know what you have to live through each and every day, but I can clearly see your strength and resilience and Liam and Quinn are and will benefit so much from that. You are amazing and I think anyone who wants to tell you what you should be doing and how to do it can simply fuck off. With much respect–MP

  50. jen

    Well said Maya! No One has the right to judge you OR twist your words! I have been reading the same blog as your “concerned reader” and not once ever have I taken away what they did from your posts. I see a Mom who has went through the worst thing a Mom could go through and You have done it with a spine of steel Girl by doing all of the things you do. I will never be able to tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and the strength in which you carry yourself and the raw way you share it all with us. You make Ro proud everyday and quinn and liam are two of the luckiest boys around and one day they are going to understand they have one of the world’s most strongest mommies who gave them a summer they will never forget during a heartbreaking time that they will also never forget, but thanks to your strength and determination when they look back there will always remember all that was lost but there will also always be the memories of LOVE! Keep on keeping it Real Maya those of us that truly support you DO NOT judge or presume to know how or what You feel during this time.

  51. Stephanie

    “K” you can suck it too! I don’t understand what kind of a person would make a jugemental comment on a blog to a woman who just lost her child. It’s cruel and wrong. How do you live with yourself? Is it because you feel good about yourself because you only spent $3000 on a wedding? Congrats, your a great person!

  52. Christina Austin

    Hi Maya,
    I read your post this morning (like I always do) and I am very upset about the people who are passing judgement about how you are coping with grief. I am 100% on your side and think that you and Woody are doing an amazing job with helping your boys continue on without their beloved brother. I mentioned that people are giving you crap about running, surfing and telling your boys not to let fear stop them from trying something (or going into the chilly ocean). He said “People are idiots. You can’t let being afraid to do something stop you from living.” Which is what you have been saying in your blog.
    As for grief therapy – my cousin passed away this fall and left behind 4 children and the therapy centre in our town encourages people to wait a few months for the rawness of grief to pass a little bit before they start intense therapy. I am so happy that you and your family are able to get away and be together, experience some new adventures.
    For every person passing ignorant judgement on you there are thousands of us that read your blog, cry when we read that you had a bad day and rejoice when you had moments of peace, happiness or simply diminished sadness.
    People who post encouraging and loving comments anonymously are fine but if you are telling someone how to live their life and what to write in their blog should have the balls to at least post your name. You write intensely personal experiences and we know who you are. If you have something to say, put your name to it. I have posted a link that my husband told me about that explains what I mean about anonymous negative comments. I hope it makes you smile today.
    http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/03/19/

    Sending supportive thoughts and prayers your way from Canada,
    Christina Austin.

  53. Candice

    Everyone else can shove their negative-ness up their ass. It’s safe to say you have had your fair share in this lifetime. You are the one living your life; you are the one that has to drag your ass out of bed, you have to remember to breathe in and out everyday, to eat when it’s the last thing you want to do. Why is running at night even a topc of discussion? Running at night allows you to spend more time with your family during the day. Most of the time, mother’s have their “alone time” after everyone else goes to bed. This is no secret. This conerned woman gives me a headache. Maya, you just keep trucking on the way you have been and all the Debbie-Downer’s can f-off. Take comfort in knowing that my two boys, 3 and 1, have a better mother because of you.

    We are going to Phoenix in October for wedding and maybe by chance, I’ll see you walking on the sidewalk. Or not.

  54. Natalie

    Ok first of all, I think that your doing an amazing job considering what the hell you and your family went thru!!! Your so right, nobody knows what your going thru until they have walked in your shoes…Its so easy just to give advice when your not the one going thru this hell!!!!! oh and I didnt give a fuck about the Royal wedding and who cares how much your wedding cost and i certainley dont care how much k’s wedding cost!!!! yeah that was totally weird. To care about a fucking wedding when theres tragidy all over the world! ( we eloped in Vegas just a little FYI! :)) About the smoking part, i think that you were educating your son that it does cause cancer and since you posted that I told my husband and now he is trying to quit because your right Ronan didnt have a choice at all! Way to go Maya! That was awesome! And another thing I am a RN and I worked on the oncology unit for 9 years…i would develop close relationships with the patients that we were giving chemo too and there was one guy who was very mean at first and wouldnt talk to anybody. well, after a couple of years with battling cancer, the cancer was winning, and when he was ready to go homw with hospice because he had literaaly 2 weeks if that to live he gave me his address and phone number to keep in touch with his family after he passed. He also told me that he would be watching me from heaven to make sure I was alright and I think about him all the time and Im happy that he is watching me. I still carry his address in my wallet and I pull it out now and then. The reason Im getting at is I think its wonderful that you tell the boys Ronans watching them! I must admit I do worry about your late night runs…I watch too much Discovery Channel! When you didnt write I think last weekend for a day I was worried and my husband looked at me and said whats wrong? I told him Maya didnt write in her blog and he said who? and i said Ronans Mom! he just laughed and shoke his head! I told you before that my cousin lost her little girl Shelbi at age 5 due to brain cancer and since Shelbi loved the ice cream truck so much they bought an ice cream truck called “shelbis sweets and treats” and they drive it around nieghborhoods and people donate money for ice cream! All the proceeds go to childhood cancer research…Im sorry this is so long but your not doing anything wrong at all! I say FUCK the Haters! Stay off this blog and get a fucking life!!!!!!!

  55. Laura

    I have been totally amazed of the progress you have made over such a short amount of time. I think you absolutely made the right choice to get away as a family and spend precious time being together, where natural healing can start. I think you are on the totally right path knowing this is only the beginning. No one should judge you. You are brave and letting others read your brave and personal feelings. I think you writing this blog is probably the most healthy and healing process ever, instead of bottling everything up so it can explode at a later date. You are a fabulous mom and wife. Just keep loving and enjoy the family time together. As always your entire family is in our thoughts and prayers. Have a great day, and hopefully the sunshine.

  56. Kim

    I love you Maya!!!! you FUCKING ROCK!!!!! you make me laugh and smile… you make me realize that life is special and to appreciate the small things… I start my day by reading your blog… I really do stop to smell the roses now….and I appreciate my husband and kids sooo much more … You know when life is good you get in a rut…and that rut is where I have been….now I appreciate my 6 year old daughter’s messy room, and my two teenage boys mounds of laundry….and the mom can I have 20 bucks…and my husbands snoring…. it is life…and it is beautiful!!!!

  57. Tricia

    I just want to tell you how sorry I am Maya. I’m sorry that your baby isn’t here anymore. I’m sorry that the pain will never go away. I’m sorry that our society SUCKS and worries more about the labels on their clothes than one another. Some people are just plain mean and the ugliness inside them loves to kick you when your down. My daughter and I have this thing we do when people try to knock us down. We brush our shoulders off and say “shew..shew..fly” as if we are brushing them and their ugliness away forever. So to that mean and nasty person say “shew..shew..fly” cause Maya is here to stay! Don’t stop being the amazingly strong woman that so many of us love to read about. You have a gift, your ability to hold nothing back and tell it how it is, is one to be admired and not mocked.

  58. Taura Amor

    You are an inspiration to me and to many others!

    A S T R O N G W O M A N

    A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape —
    But a woman of strength looks
    deep inside to keep her soul in shape.

    A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything —
    But a woman of strength shows
    courage in the midst of her fear.

    A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her —
    But a woman of strength gives
    the best of herself to everyone.

    A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future —
    But a woman of strength realizes
    life’s mistakes can also be blessings and capitalizes on them.

    A strong woman walks sure footedly —
    But a woman of strength knows
    when to ask for help.

    A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face —
    But a woman of strength wears
    an aura of grace.

    A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey —
    But a woman of strength has faith
    that it is in the journey that she will become strong.
    ~unknown

    Maya, you should not feel like you have to justify any feelings you have at this moment nor defend any comments you have made! Continue giving us this raw emotion, the fears, the likes, the dislikes and anything else you feel like sharing with us. You are changing lives, bringing awareness and through this journey you are also bringing such light to lives such as mine! I appreciate and look forward to see how you are continuing to fight this fight and how, with each day you’re becoming stronger and that is what those precious boys need. Rock on Maya for you, for your boys, for your husband and for all of us who are standing strong with you and not against you!!

  59. Desertflower

    Oh my. Not sure why this person feels it is okay to come at you this way in your space. I enjoy reading your blog. Thank you.

  60. Melanie

    As always, I am in awe of your strength and passion. Keep on rockin’. The vast majority of your readers (and I am sure this includes those who rarely or never comment, like myself) continue to lift you up in their thoughts and prayers. Your family is never far from my mind…and I thank you for sharing.

  61. Angie

    Maya,
    It breaks my heart that “K” is saying these things. Don’t give her/him one single ounce of your energy. You need all of it to try to heal yourself.

    “K”, stop reading this blog- you DO NOT BELONG HERE.

  62. Kindra

    I dont understand why people read your blog if they are so offended. STOP reading it people.

    I on the other hand have gotten soo much strength from it. I read every morning and it has helped me be a better parent. Keep writing and it seems that for every hater there are thousands of people that appreciate your honesty.

    Much Love and Respect~

  63. Glenda

    Wow Maya, the reason I continue to read is because of your realness and rawness. People that haven’t lost a loved one or a child don’t know what it is to live with “no fear”. Continue to enjoy your summer, the sun, the beach, the waves. Beautiful blue eyed Rockstar Ro will forever be a part of your life and hold his spot in your heart and soul. I have 2 kids. A son and a daughter. They are both my everything. My best friends. My partners. The bond is different because they are different. Each child is unique so each bond is unique. It is what it is! Mama bear Keep rockin’ on rockstar mama. Thinking of you, Woody and the boys! Peace and strength xo

  64. Tanya

    Okay my goodness “K” (can’t use your whole name?) I’m going to say it…you’re an idiot! I’ll pass judgement because you, I feel, has no heart! She lost her baby to cancer! Smoking does cause cancer, so those people are idiots also! It pisses me off when people who smoke get lung transplants. What a waste of a lung! And who cares how much she spent on her wedding. Maya speaks from her heart and says what’s on her mind. I can tell from her blog that she loves Liam and Quinn more than anything, and she is doing what she can to survive the pain she’s going through. If you don’t agree with this blog or how she’s deciding to deal with her grief, go elsewhere.

  65. Jen.c

    I am trying to refrain myself but i can’t help it. Seriously ‘k’, if there is nothing productive to be said and no encouragement then piss off. Maya owns this blog and has the right to say what she wants to in her own space. Many others including myself feel that she has done a really great job. I would have crumbled ten times over if were me. Cut her some slacks will you. People go thru phases of grieving and will say things tht sounds negative etc but it is part of grieving as she gets to let it out of her system. In fact i think all concerned should be glad tht maya is cussing and ranting it all out of her system.
    I just feel tht you are really cruel and mean to say the things u said to a grieving mother, even if u really do mean well, those words aren’t nice to read by someone overcoming a loss.
    Maya-u are amazing. Stay strong.

  66. Jen

    Maya!

    Don’t listen to any of these “judgers.” What do they know?! You are very REAL! You are doing what you think is perfect for your family! Who says “therapy” is the cure all? And who says what you’re doing is NOT “therapy”? Your boys all know you love them the most! Life is a journey and you are taking your the way it is best for you and your family. Who are we tonsay any of it is wrong?! How do we know?! If this “overly concerned blog reader” loves therapy so much then maybe she and her family should be in it. How the “F” does she know what you and your family need????!!!!
    Don’t sweat it. I love reading this blog! It makes me realize how lucky I am in this life and I can appreciate the things I have so much because of you. You give me strength!

  67. Sara

    Wow, Maya, what a well written and well reasoned response… After reading that, I don’t think anyone can argue with the astounding job you’re doing of processing through the greatest horror of your life. The fact that you can respond so effectively to such hurtful allegations proves that you’re actually in a stronger mental place than many people EVER achieve under much less traumatic circumstances!

    Hang in there, warrior! Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Ronan. Thank you for letting us share in the honest, ugly depth of emotion in the wake of his battle. Your candor is what draws me back to the blog every day… As hard as it is to read and to imagine, it’s harder to turn away and not be a part of mourning this loss. IMO, Ronan and your family deserve our undivided attention until we can blow the roof off this disease!

  68. Tanya

    I don’t usually write comments but just sit back, read and observe what most people are saying. Today I am so mad at people who feel they can tell and give Maya opinions about passing judgement etc. You yourself are passing judgement on Maya. Shame on you!! You don’t now Maya, I do! The Thompson’s were my neighbors for close to five years. I remember the day Maya told me she was pregnant with Ronan and I will never forget the day they brought home that beautiful bundle home. Maya is not snob, not a name dropper but a caring, loving women who loves her boys and hubby dearly. Maya on most day wears t-shirts, shorts and flip flops. She’s a fun mom. No one can rock “Guitar Hero” like Maya. My son spent countless hours at the Thompson home playing video games with Liam, Quinn and Maya! I think she put more miles on foot, chasing after her kids and mine while they were on their bikes. For my sons 7th Birthday we rented a game truck to come to our home. Instead of Maya hanging out with moms, she was playing with the kids in the truck. She is the mom who kids love to be around. The fun mom!
    I remember one day when a car almost ran over Quinn in our neighbor hood. A careless driver who wasn’t paying attention. The car was just inches from hitting Quinn. Maya sat with Quinn and comforted him after the scare. Her love and encouragement got Quinn back on that bike when most kids would have been to afraid to. Her lessons in life are about love.
    Maya is passionate! She has open her life her private life to us. We can choose to respect it or delete it.

  69. Jamie

    Maya…one thing about the “favorite child” comment. I couldn’t agree with you more on your take, that each child is your favorite. A couple of weeks ago I was feeding my youngest son Cole before bed. I looked at him and said “You are my favorite”. My husband who was sitting nearby said “Well that’s not very nice”, since we have an older child James. I looked at him and told him, both my boys are my favorite; James, our 3 ½ year old, is my favorite James and Cole, our 5 month old, is my favorite Cole. It makes perfect sense to me and no one can tell me otherwise nor should they tell you. Anyways, thought I would share. I think of you and your family daily and say a little prayer each night before bed for you all. Take care!! -Jamie

  70. Therese in Ireland

    Talk about people trying to wreck your head. A lot of us out here would be very concerned for you, and it’s because of your wonderful blog – the honesty, the no-holds-barred narrative and the pure love that exudes from your writing, that we feel that way. You’ve totally gained my utmost respect and admiration for the way you’re handling yourself Maya. Your boys are in no doubt at all about how much you love them, you’re looking after them every single day when most of us wouldn’t have the strength to do it after such a devastating, numbing loss. My own point of view would be that it is much better to let your boys know that Ronan is looking down on them every day, giving them a sense that he will always be with them, than to say otherwise. I’m all for people being entitled to having their own opinion but sometimes, keeping it to yourself is the better way to go. You’re absolutely right, this is your blog and these are your feelings and nobody, nobody, has the right to lecture you on anything. I read your blog every day because your little man had a profound effect on me, on my life and on my attitude towards my own children. I will always be grateful to you for that. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your lovely family.

  71. R

    Maya-
    Stay strong and ignore the ‘noise’ from these people that think they have a clue what they are talking about. From reading your blog, I am sure you won’t have a problem with that 🙂 You are doing everything right. If this was me, I would be locked in my closet (with wine) all day long. Your strength and courage to write and to be so active and a part of life AMAZES me! Your boys are all so lucky to have you as a mom.

  72. Lauren L

    I have been reading this blog since it started. I have never commented, but have tried to share my support through FB. This post got me pretty fired up this morning. Really people, if you do not like what you read or what Maya writes-STOP READING! No one is forcing you to read this blog! Please also do not lose site of the bigger picture-NO CHILD SHOULD EVER HAVE TO DIE SO YOUNG FROM THIS HORRENDOUS DISEASE CALLED CANCER. Every person grieves in the own way and that is what makes us human beings. Kindness, compassion, and empathy goes a long way.

  73. Katie R

    Maya –
    Screw all these stupid people making negative comments. Ugh! What a waste of time and air they are!! This blog is YOURS!!! Don’t let them ruin it. You are such an amazing woman!!!
    Keep posting and doing all that you do!! So glad to hear you are fearless and living your life with passion and so happy to hear you are putting some of that into your twins!!
    Hugs always!! I sent you a song that my husband wrote – I gifted it to you from iTunes. I hope you liked it – it’s called “Heaven is all of You”. I think of you and Ronan when I listen to it.
    I’ve already told my husband I am going to make it to next years event for Ronan – it will be such a honor to be there. I’m going to invite a few of my mommy friends as well. Watch out Phoenix, the ladies from Dallas are coming to help kick cancers ass!!

    Keep posting!!

    🙂 Katie R.

  74. Liz

    “K” you really need to go somewhere and get a clue. There is no reason for you being here and Maya shouldn’t have to even worry about having to defend herself to you or anyone. You should be more sympathetic and keep all those unneeded judgements to your self. Maya writes what she wants when she wants and does not need to defend what she writes. Maya is going through the MOST terrible thing a parent has to go through. As a mom of two boys I can’t even imagine what she is going through and to me she is handling as best as she can. K you should count your lucky stars you are not going through that! Shame on you for spewing negativity where it is not needed or wanted.

    As for me Maya I feel for you daily and wish we could all bring you some comfort and take away some of the pain. I really admire you and how you are handling everything. My little brother has had heart defects since he was born and doctors always told my Mom he can go at any moment without warning. He was not given much time to live and we have tried to make his life here the best possible. Against all odds he is still here with us and just celebrated his 16th birthday and we are happy everyday God gives him more time with us. I am worried about my Mom and when I read your blog it prepares me for what she will be going through she tells me often how she does not want to talk or be around anyone when he leaves us and that scares me. I fear she will fall apart. She tells me they will have to put her to sleep just to take his body away and I don’t know what to do. I am trying to prepare for the worst but I don’t think we will ever be ready especially my Mom. I have talked to my Mom about you and she just chokes up. I told her how beautiful your son was and how much of a little fighter he was right till the end.

    I think about you and Ronan daily and I appreciate life so much more I hug and kiss my boys everyday and let them know how much I love them. Even when they do something like spill their juice on the floor I think about you and stop myself from getting angry and screaming and think how you would give anything to have that with Ronan again. You, Woody, Quinn, & Liam are in my prayers.

  75. Paul R

    It is mind blowing to me that people would judge someone based on their pure raw emotion while going through such a devastating time. If you have never lost a child, how can you judge! You have not walked that path or walked in their shoes, how dare you think you have the right to Judge! I thought the only person who had the right to judge any of us is God and that is on judgment day!
    This is a blog was about the journey of a child who was ill. The blog was a palace for the family to share updates, feelings and vent! They are documenting their emotions… not the emotions of the people who CHOOSE TO READ THE BLOG! Yes you are choosing to read the blog (No one is making you), and then you choose to JUDGE! Maybe you need to go back and read the bible… Waiting if you are judging people, I’m pretty sure you have not read the bible. Step one purchase a bible, Step two read it!
    During difficult times each everyone has a different way dealing with such a devastating situation. No one should judge! What all of you haters are missing is there was a loss of GOD greatest gift, a child. A child, which was taken away from a family way too soon. Please send this family positive thoughts and prayers, this is what they need right now! Not people who are haters, judgmental and rude!

  76. Kendra

    I am unclear as to why anyone would follow this blog only to leave negative comments. If you don’t agree with what is being said, why are you still reading it? Where do you get off offering your unsolicited “advice” and opinions to a stranger who has just lost her child? It seems like you have some sick fascination with a stranger’s suffering and you want to feel like you’re a part of it somehow. And to the person who commented yesterday, I seriously doubt that you are indeed a therapist. I don’t know any professional therapist who would take it upon themselves to diagnose and attempt to treat someone they’ve never met. Your comments sound like someone who has taken an introductory course in psychology and now thinks they know everything.

    Maya, for the record, I loved what you said to those smokers! What in the world is wrong with speaking the truth? Nothing at all. The vast majority of your readers can see what a great mom and wife you are and we are all supporting you. Keep speaking your truth.

    1. unknown

      I don’t necessarily find the comments negative but they simply have a different outlook and maybe want to share it thinking they can offer help. You don’t have to have the same opinions in order to want to follow someones blog. I read alot of peoples blogs whom most are relatives and friends and let me tell you I very rarely share the same opinions with some of them but I still read them and leave my comments because I love them and care about them and I want to know what is happening in their lives as do they on mine. It’s so hard to tell people they are being judgmental because everyone does it and maybe some unknowingly. I just read about 75 comments completely ripping this “k” person apart and I saw a judgement being passed in each one. One person going so far as to say they were going to beat her up if they find out where she lives. Come on now, isn’t that going a little to far? I totally get the smoking thing. Lung cancer killed both my fathers parents. I loved them dearly though and they were good people, just ignorant in their decisions and I know had a serious addiction that they just could not quit. My grandfather spent his last months dying in my parents home hooked up to an oxygen machine and would still try to light up cigarettes. He had such a horrible addiction though, that he just didn’t care. He didn’t care if he blew up their home in the process either. Sometimes there is just nothing you can do but to let people make their own decisions and suffer the consequences. My father has had pieces of his ear lobe removed and a piece from his nose due to skin cancer and my oldest sister who was obsessed with fake baking now has spots on her back that she is getting treatment for. This is a very well known cancer that comes from being exposed to the sun, Everyone knows this yet you see millions of people laying out on the beach or by a pool every day knowing that they are putting themselves at risk of getting cancer but they don’t care. Thats a risk they are willing to take in order to feel better about themselves. See I know very well first hand the kind of risks these people are taking but I’m not going to go around and tell them this. It’s their life and their choice and if they don’t care then I doubt a stranger telling them my experience will make them care I will however lather myself and my children up in sunblock when we go out to enjoy the weather and the water.

      Unfortunately our society and our children’s generation has been raised on reality television, gossip magazines, and skanky role models. I will be the first to admit that I was and still am a huge fan of Rock of Love, Charm School, etc. Its my guilty pleasure of mindless trash that takes no effort in concentration and makes me laugh. I’m a full time mother and a full time student working on my MBA in Special Education so I do feel that I am somewhat of an intellectual person with goals and ambitions but its nice to chill out on my couch some nights after my kids are all tucked into bed and take a break from the books and all the seriousness and drama of the world and just watch mindless crap. Yes go ahead and judge me for it and pretend that you none of you have never stood in line at a supermarket waiting to check out and picked up that O.K magazine to see what Kirsty Ally looks like in a swim suite. I KNOW there are much more important issues going on in the world than this and I have often wondered since reading this blog how drastically my outlook on things and people and society would change if I had lost a child. Maybe not a lot as I am not really consumed by celebrity and bullshit issues in the first place. My husband spent a year in Iraq and is currently away again training and fulfilling his commitment that he made to our country. It’s nerve racking to me and wondering if he is OK consumes my thoughts all day as I wait for his one weekly phone call to me that temporarily puts my mind at ease. I turn on the world and local news and all this negativity of the economy and politics and war, all serious topics, can be so overwhelming and depressing and worrisome that I cannot wait for some Hells Kitchen to be on and listen to Gorden Ramsy tell a chef to get the fuck out of his kitchen. It’s so refreshing. To me, that is my therapy but it doesn’t make me an uncaring, worldly person who is caught up in senseless garbage. I’m just saying…kthanksbye

  77. Sarah

    I think people forget this is a bog, your blog. If your offended or don’t like the things being said, stop fucking reading it! This is your journey and we should all feel grateful that you’re sharing it with us. I believe it truly helps and inspires people to live a better life. To stand up and do something. I would just like to say to you Maya, Thank you. Thank you for ALL your words. I recently battled breast cancer. I’m 25. The scariest thing I have ever done. But I did it, because you don’t get to choose what’s handed to you in life, you just deal with it the best you know how. Reading your blog gave me the strength to keep fighting, and never once feel sorry for myself. Anytime I get down or feel angry in life I picture little Ronan’s face and it disapears. Your blog has become a part of my daily routine. I drink my coffee and sit down to it every morning. It gives me hope that we can find a cure for cancer, that everyone can do their part. So while others may feel the need to run their mouths when they are clearly out of line, I would just like you to know you have helped me.

  78. Melissa Sager

    Maya- THIS IS RIDICULOUS! this is your blog, your safe place…I cannot believe that I’m reading these comments of you going back and forth with someone defending your blog! You do not MAKE us read this, you don’t force us to do it. For someone to criticize you for your grieving process is beyond unfair! I’m so appalled that I’m having to read you defend yourself here, of all places! They whoever they are are not worth it, it’s not worth your time and enegy to convince people of anything. Hang in there and I really hope ignorant people do not get in your way of what you are doing! I can guarantee that someone somewhere is reading this blog and at the same time agreeing with your every word and using your stength as a stepping stone in there own grief of loss of there child! Keep your head up!

  79. kD

    As I read your post with tears in my eyes, about the horrible judgement you are receiving, you quickly put a smile on my face and a bounce in my step when you told your “concerend reader” to stick it where the sun don’t shine!! Thank you for doing that! You said it so nicely too, as I would have not. My blood boils that you are getting negative feedback. I don’t know how you feel ,and I never want to , and can offer no advice. But what I can tell you, is that I think you are FUCKING AMAZING!! I would fear nothing as well, just like you! You are an AMAZING Mama, and have changed my outlook on motherhood. I thank you for that. Just remember you are FUCKING AMAZING, and keep spreading your words, Maya. Every morning I sit down, and go straight to your blog. And to all the haters…..don’t open the damn blog if you have judgement! seriously, it isn’t that hard to do. Sending LOVE to you and your family, and have a FUCKING AMAZING day today!!

  80. Brandee

    Maya,

    Wow…you should not have to be defending yourself. Especially at this point in your life. You are absolutely amazing and have given me much strength and a new perspective to life just by reading your blog. I will forever be thankful to you for opening up my eyes to so many things. I do want to share a quick story that will hopefully make you smile. I read your blog everyday and my heart hurts for you. The other day after I was done reading…I was really down and out and feeling pretty crappy. It is hard because I so much wish I could take some of your pain away. I just feel so sad for you and can’t imagine the pain you are going through. Anyways I stepped away from the computer and looked out the window and all of a sudden a litle hummingbird flew right up to it. It hovered for about 30 seconds and then took off. I believe that little Ronan made a quick trip to MT to brighten my day. Thanks Ronan…it worked! Keep doing what you are doing Maya…there is nothing wrong with it. You are a strong beautiful women full of love and an amazing mother. Take Care!

  81. jenn

    I cannot believe the nerve of some people. Maya I don’t know you, even after reading this blog, I still know that I don’t know you. What I do know is you have inspired me, Ronan has inspired me and will continue to do so for the rest of my life on earth. I saw the other day your blog has had over one million hits. One million. That is so amazing. Keep on doing what your doing, because you are doing an incredible job. Keep on inspiring people all over the world, because that’s what you are doing everyday. Much more than these crazy people leaving these wierd comments will ever do in their lives. Yes I’m judging them, they asked for it.
    Please know that sweet Ronan has made me a better mom and a better person. You have such fight in you. Keep on fighting your fight and know there are thousands who think of you daily and are amazed you have the strength to even go running. If running at night in Coronado is the worst thing your doing, then your doing a damn fine job.
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  82. kjh

    K-
    What is wrong with you?? There are plenty of celebrity websites available to spew this kind of hate. I don’t get it. Does it make you feel better about yourself to harass a bereaved mother who just buried a child? Congratulations, you of superior moral ground, you added stress to a grieving mother’s day. Feel better about yourself now? You are so quick to lay judgement so let me return the favor. You are pathetic. You prey on people who you believe to be weak to make yourself feel better. I pity any children that may come out of that wedding that you are so proud of, if they don’t do things properly (in your eyes) I see them suffering for it. If you are willing to yell at and judge a stranger, who is in pain, what will you do to those you are familiar with…That Maya can pick her head up and run, bring her children to the beach-etc. is amazing! Rock on Mama Maya!!!!!

    1. Glenda

      Amen! Well said KJH!

      Maya… came across this today and thought of you… XO

      “A woman with real beauty smiles through her troubles,becomes brave,develops courage with failure, and gathers strength through pain” Rock on Mama Bear Maya!!!

  83. Dorene Plampin

    Maya, I haven’t written for a long time. I read your blog everyday and feel so deeply the things that you write.Your family and Ronan,because he is your family are with me in so many ways. I still have Ro looking over my shoulder when I drive. I love to drive fast and get impatient so easily.Not bad for a granny of 74. Ro whispers to me to BE Patient. I honestly can hear him. As for the person who is afaraid of your blog. Well, judgements are plentiful for those whose footsteps have not touched yours. I have counseled many families who deal with grief and you and your family are just so together. Grief is something you have to go through, not under or around, just through. You my dear are plowing through with pain, grace and soaking up the love and prayers of others and your wonderful husband and twins. I hope to meet you some day and we can have a cup of coffee and just be friends. Sending a ton of love and prayers. D

  84. Tina Rivera

    The fact of the matter is that people are afraid of the truth, of their feelings, and don’t want to acknowledge them most of the time. But not you Maya. You speak from the heart. In its truest form and if people are scared or shocked by that then they are just ignorant and probably should just stop reading your blog. That is the choice this “concered blog reader” had but instead decided to tell his/her truth. Does that make any sense? This person can tell you what’s on their mind but you can’t? What a joke. Talk about calling the kettle black. The movie “The Invention of Lying” came to mind when I read your blog this morning. Somewhat fitting to a certain degree. You have so many people that support you and get what you mean by no fear, with no explanation needed. I could go on and on cause this person struck a cord with and it makes me so mad they added this to your plate. You should never have to answer to anyone except yourself. Keep your head held high and don’t let irrelevant posts get to you.

    Much love ~ Tina

  85. Michelle

    Oh fuck no she didn’t! The couple of people passing judgment here have no sense of reality whatsoever. Why don’t they put themselves in your shoes for two fucking seconds and then come talk to us and let us know how it feels. Maya – keep pushing boundaries, keep doing exactly what you are doing (I know you know this, but keep on keepin’ on sista). You are a warrior! YOUR Liam, Quinn, and Ronan admire and love you for this!!! I am sure you are not, but don’t let this or any other negative comments get you down. Brush your shoulders off and just know that you inspire thousands of people everyday, every second!!!!!!

  86. Alli

    Maya, people are dumb and selfish. We’ve all lost people that were important to us, most of us haven’t lost children. I will tell you that everything you say is real and raw, some people just can’t take those two things because they’re the types of people that sugarcoat everything. Fuck cancer, fuck cigarettes, fuck the royal wedding and fuck sleepless nights! I agree that if you didn’t “love” liam and quinn you’d be locked in your bedroom all day telling them to make their own damn food, or telling them to go ask woody for help! I have 3 little sisters, two 9 year old twins and a 10 year old, each so different but the twins are so similar and the oldest is more unique, more free thinking. When I read your blog, I think of them and how you feel. Ronan was the baby, he was your youngest, your more unique one. A different birthday, a different personality. I don’t think that means that you loved him more, I think it means that he was just different. I have a one year old, and have another baby on the way and I will tell you before reading this blog I would get so frustrated with my one year old, he climbs on everything, turns the tv off in the middle of my favorite show, doesn’t wanna sleep anymore like he used to… And I was angry about it! You made me realize just how normal it all was and how I should be so blessed. Now instead of getting angry I hug him, laugh at him and his one year old antics and cuddle with him when he doesn’t want to sleep. And, it’s paying off… For him AND I!

    I will tell you that working the brightest star in the sky event has also brought perspective to my life. How many lives you have touched by telling Ro’s story…. Getting it all out and being real is how you got the support from all of us, most strangers. I have never wanted to meet someone and hug them as badly as I do you. Your words have forever changed my life, you’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever known… I don’t doubt that you are as strong as you are because Liam and Quinn are here pushing you to the limit every day.. Making you live a little more each day. There is nothing wrong with anything you’re doing or saying, don’t let the stupid people who read this to judge you negatively affect you.

    I hope you always continue to write, to heal… I’m so proud of you for doing this the right way: without an addiction to hold you up and without fear. Fear will only hold you back… Love you Maya, and Ronan… And Woody and Quinn and Liam! 🙂

  87. Daniella

    Maya,
    I don’t know you and can’t tell you how many times I have gone to write a comment on your blog. To put it as simply as I can – I THINK YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING. Countless times I have started to write you and then deleted it because I think to myself “what could I possibly contribute??”, “how could I possibly say anything that would bring any kind of comfort to this incredible women who has been through such a horrible tragedy?” “what do I know??” I guess all I can say is this:

    I love you
    I love Ronan
    I am so sorry for your loss
    Fuck those who want to do anything to bring you down
    Thank you for writing, your blog is so POWERFUL
    You go ahead and grieve (and survive) in whatever way works for you and your family

    Sending you lots of thoughts of love and strength,
    D

  88. TR

    The fact of the matter is that people are afraid of the truth, of their feelings, and don’t want to acknowledge them most of the time. But not you Maya. You speak from the heart. In its truest form and if people are scared or shocked by that then they are just ignorant and probably should just stop reading your blog. That is the choice this “concerned blog reader” had but instead decided to tell his/her truth. Does that make any sense? This person can tell you what’s on their mind but you can’t? What a joke. Talk about calling the kettle black. The movie “The Invention of Lying” came to mind when I read your blog this morning. Somewhat fitting to a certain degree. You have so many people that support you and get what you mean by “no fear”, with no explanation needed. I could go on and on cause this person struck a cord with me and it makes me so mad they added this to your plate. You should never have to answer to anyone except yourself. Keep your head held high and don’t let irrelevant posts get to you.

    Much love ~ Tina

  89. charlotte

    Maya,
    Wow!! You handled that sooo much better than I could have!!! My anger after reading those few comments from those people made me furious!!! You keep being you!! I mean, honestly, look at all these people that love, support, respect and will stand up for you and your family! You and your Ronan have touched sooo many! Your words encourage me each morning. I am loving your pics and its so good to see the smiles!
    Please don’t ever doubt yourself and how you are dealing with it all!! If you tell people to fuck off..then so be it!!! If you cry all day, yell at strangers, run all night, surf all day..then do it!! You are a survivor, all of you are. And survivors do whatever it takes.
    And please keep writing! You have a gift to help others, one day you AND your boys will read this and see how powerful your raw honesty is!!!b
    Ronan, your mommy rocks! Keep watching over her, giving her strength!!
    Lots of love and support from Tx!!

  90. Jessica

    Hello Maya! You are truly inspiring. I know you likely don’t feel it or see it yet but you will one day. The ways that you and your family have touched people, brought them together, reminded them to cherish their own is amazing. Even equally so is how you show people that it is ok to feel all those things and scream them out loud when you feel like it. You write freely and from the heart, I love that. That is why so many readers always come back.. even when we know we will cry. People write about loss and grief all the time but so much of it is glossed over. The raw feelings, however ugly sounding sometimes, are are a huge part that should be included. If ever you decide to publish your blog in a book I will buy it.
    One last thing… I came across Charity Charms when I was at a women’s expo in Phx. a few years ago. They would be another cool way to get Ronan’s story out and raise money. I have the charm for Phx. Children’s Hospital, SARC, Red Cross and two others and people ask me about it all the time when I wear it.

  91. Kimberly

    AMEN, MAYA!

    You have the BALLS to be honest about your feelings – thank-you. YOUR words have spurred me on in so many ways – there is light, even in your darkest thoughts. All of us are behind you (Ok, all of us except a few NIT WITS) so don’t stop the writing. We’re all just ‘working it out.’

  92. Chrystal

    Maya,
    Thank you for saying what you feel in your blog, so that those of us who are reading it without judgement get the message, of strength and courage. How dare someone try to tell you how to love your children, I have three children 12, 10 and 4, each of them is my favorite for the special things they do. My oldest saved my life, my middle child made me appreciate my life, and my baby completed my life, must be something about being born in 2007, they have a lil firecracker in them, which thanks to you and your precious Ronan, I appreciate even more each day. Thank you for loving your children so much you want to share this with the whole world to try and make a change. For others out there until you have experienced the pain first hand you can not even begin to understand and definetly will never be able to know how to grieve because there is just no correct way to do it. THANK YOU MAYA, I am sorry you had to live this I am sorry other people have their heads lodged so far up their ass they can not see the light of day. My prayers and thoughts are with your family daily. F U CANCER

  93. alison

    You need to keep doing everything you are doing and be just who you are! People who judge have never walked a step in your shoes! I also have three children and have different bonds with each one of them. Personalities are what make bonds, it is virtually impossible to not feel different about each child, although you love them all the same amount! What you went through with Ronan was life altering in so many ways, by showing your twins circumstances of Ronan is keeping his memory alive and teaching them to be stronger people. Keep up the great work mama – you are amazing! I have no doubt in my mind that YOU will find a cure for this awful disease- Cancer did mess with the wrong girl!!! Keep going forward full steam ahead and no mother will have to feel the way you do ever again!

  94. Pam

    First, it makes me sad that people on this blog choose to judge Maya. This blog is meant for Maya to continue on her path of healing. There is no need for us to judge and if you do,lease keep it to yourself. This is meant for Maya, not your opinions.

    My daughter was diagnosed with a rare form of kidney and lung cancer when she was three. Since her diagnosis, whenever I see someone smoking, I make a comment to them and have said to them that they deserve to get lung cancer. My innocent child didn’t. As a mom of a cancer kid, we have deserved the right to say and think these comments. Any mother in my and Maya’s shoes would agree.

    I have two wonderful daughters who I love so much. But do I have special place in my heart my for my child that went through chemo, radiation and countless surgeries? Yes I do… I still love my other daughter with all my heart, but the love a mom has for her child that had cancer is different than the child that has been healthy. It just is and I don’t care if you judge me.

    Maya is one of my best friends… We share a special bond.. We share the deepest anger and saddness that a parent can have.

    Maya is doing an incredible job at keeping her family toward the path of healing. I am very proud of her… She gets herself out of bed every morning and is devoted to her boys. This blog is meant for Maya to beagle to share her deepest and darkest thoughts, please keep any opinions that may be unsupportive to yourself. Until you have had a child with cancer, never judge a parent that has had a sick child.

    I love you Maya

  95. kim r.

    maya,
    you and your blog are beautiful, honest, real, true, and thoughtful!!!! you and your family inspire me! your stength and courage in this painful time amazes me! your willingness to share your inermost thoughts and feelings is incredible!! as you said in one of your previous blogs, “you’re not allowed to judge me because you were never a mom to ronan.” that sums it up. if sharing your true feelings (dark or not) doesn’t agree with some people then don’t read it. no one is being forced to read YOUR blog that you are free to say what you want and express yourself as you wish. please know that so many people care about you and your precious family. right now you need love and support in your life whether that be from friends and family or strangers who read your blog. what happened to the sense of community, not just as a mother to another mother, but as a person to another person?

    you are amazing!! please don’t be discouraged by negative/judgemental people or feel that you have to explain yourself to anyone! you and your family are always in my thoughts!

    kim

  96. missy f

    Wow, this reader has a lot of nerve! I say tell them to PISS OFF and go read elsewhere! NOBODY should ever question a mothers love! This person is seriously insane!

  97. Jannette

    Hi Maya,

    I read you blog often but have never commented before. I just want to let you know that I am so saddened by Ronan’s death. I just watched your “my best friend” video, and I came very close to getting sick. What a very special, sweet little boy you have. Although I never met him, I miss him too.

  98. Andrea Sidenstricker

    Well said girl, you don’t owe anyone any explanation, this is your blog and you expressing you feelings at the moment, the beauty of this is that it’s not overanalyzed and shouldn’t be analyzed or judged, you are not writing a novel or a book, the blog is like your diary, except it’s made available for other people to read and follow up on you and your family. You are doing a great job and I am looking foreword to every new entry you make!

  99. Leona

    Maya,

    I will preface this with, pardon my language…….
    but this is fucking bullshit. How dare these bloody people judge you. How the fuck do they know what is right or wrong for you and your family, even if they have suffered a loss too, NO ONE deals with greif the same.
    We/ I are for the majority I assume, strangers to you……so, who gives us a right to condone or condem what you are doing. I believe my reason for happening upon your blog last year was to learn, awaken me to this horrible disease, and to make me appreciate every single fucking day we have with our children. Along this journey I haveshared my condolences with you, offered you prayer and cheered you on……but I would never judge.

    I do sense a fiestiness in you…..I say forget these assholes and direct it towards kicking this cancer in the ass ( sorry, was that telling you what to do?? ) 😉 You do not need their own insecuity being laid upon you. You have suffered the worse loss a human ever can. ROCK on MAYA!! Kick Some Ass

    Love your friend,
    Leona
    leonalew2010@hotmail.com

  100. Mira

    Hi Maya,

    I must admit that I occasionally read something on your blog that also makes me stop and think about whether or not it is favoritism or recklessness or whatever else, but I always remember that I haven’t experienced what you have and so would have no idea what I would do or feel if I were faced with a similar situation. More than anything, your blog has opened my eyes up to so many things I never thought about.

    And for the record, I whisper to all my boys each night “You’re my favorite”. The cheeky monkeys will grow up one day and discuss how “I was mum’s favorite”, “No, I was”, “No, I was” hehehe.

    This is your blog Maya: your thoughts, feelings. Ignore the haters. Some people simply don’t get it. The rest of us are learning from you and opening up our minds to things we’ve never had to consider before.

  101. MK

    Maya, you are the strongest person I know, even though I don’t really know you personally. You, just like everyone else, is entitled to your own opinions.

    And to everyone who is hating on this awesome mom: If you disagree with the way she raises her children and the way she is healing right now, then I suggest you stop reading her blog. Your hateful comments are just a waste of your own time and space on this beautiful blog.

    Much Love from Boston,

    Molly

  102. Elizabeth

    Maya, I have a son and daughter-in-law your age and I could obviously be your mom…if I were, it would be a great honor. You are a brave, deeply thoughtful and obviously devastated mommy. I pray for you and your family often.

  103. Katie I.

    Wow. Maya, your blog is your “authentic” and true emotions and experience… That is what makes it so compelling to read… That is why we’ve all fallen head over heels for little Ronan, for you, and your family… That is why you have our attention and changed our lives.

    I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. I don’t care what your Faith is… Losing a child is DARK… it is not because God wanted your child in heaven it is because we live in a world where we are surrounded by good and evil… and Cancer is evil. How dare someone expect your feelings not to be negative and full of hate… you are grieving.

    And I’m amazed that anyone could assume you love your Ro more than Liam & Quinn! I have read your entire blog and not once did I ever get that impression! You get out of bed every morning for those two after an unimaginable tragedy! Your words explain how much they need you and you them. I remember reading how much you hated being away from them… Uh, I feel like it doesn’t even need defending… Just so stupid. I doubt the overly concerned commenter has kids… if she did she would not have seen it that way. And if she does she must waste a lot of time trying to be the most politically correct mom ever. Ronan is obviously your soulmate, that doesn’t mean you love your other two boys any less… Duh, I totally get it. My life felt incomplete until my 2nd came along but I don’t love her more than my 1st!

    And the wedding thing… I’m speechless. Millions and millions is a lot different from tens of thousands! Not to mention the media coverage!

    One last thing… I have never lost a child to cancer. If something I say is not appropriate by all means I welcome you to express that. More than ever I try to not pass judgement in my words or I think before I say something ignorant to someone who has lost a loved one. It has made me a better friend. I loved your postm about not sending anymore “fucking flowers”… it just clicked

    I started running a week ago and the only time I have is usually at night. I have a family and two kids and I don’t think that makes me reckless.

  104. Patrice Kelly

    Hi Maya,
    I tried to find your private email address, I am not one to write on peoples blogs. I am the mother of a 4 year old girl who is battling relapse neuroblastoma. We just received more bad news today. I am horrified at what this woman wrote to you. I have been a silent follower for a few months, and you have gotten me thru many a dark day. And yes, dark days are part of life now. I am so glad you have the strength to not be shaken by such ignorance. Thank YOU for helping me, everyday. You have made a difference in my life.
    Patrice Kelly,
    mother to Charlotte Kelly
    dx stage IV neuroblastoma June 16, 2009

  105. Linda Beatty

    I lost my son to diabetes about 3 years ago. I experience that fearlessness, too! Still. When your greatest fear happens, there is nothing left to fear. You expressed it so well, and I soooo understand. It is brave of you to blog about your thoughts. I only journal privately.

  106. Patrice Kelly

    Hi Maya,
    I dont know what happened to my first message. But I am writing to tell you that you have gotten me thru many dark days in this neuroblastoma hell. You have made an impact in my life. I am sickened at what that woman wrote to you, she has NO idea. I hope she never does. Thank you for your blog, honestly, and strength,.
    Patrice Kelly
    mother to Charlotte Kelly
    dx June 16, 2009
    relapsed August 2010
    2nd relaspe discovered today.

  107. Amy

    I’m at a loss for words…Other than asking myself who the hell all these assholes are who are passing judgement on you?! Really?! I LOVED your story about telling the smokers what the real deal is! Loved it…In fact, I was giggling about it today, days after your post, imagining how shocked they must have been to hear the truth, because nobody else is as brave as you to tell them! Just remember that those of us who are your loyal blog readers have fallen in love with your family, and will do all we can to ensure that Ronan’s legacy lives on forever. Everyone else who’s on here reading your honest, real words and has a problem with it can fuck off. I hope that you will brush these ass hats off your shoulders and continue writing. There is a HUGE group of us that will support you always! As angry as I can fully understand you are at some of these comments (as I am too!!!!), I hope you don’t give them 2 seconds of your precious time. They aren’t worth it. Maya, you’re fucking amazing and awesome. Keep doing what keeps you going and do your best to ignore all these assholes!

  108. Diana

    Maya, I do not know you, but after reading all this lunacy and the back and forth on this blog, I say you just shut it down and write for yourself. No one has the right to judge you, etc. People need to shut their fucking mouths and respect YOUR blog. And yeah I said “fucking.”. God bless your angel, Ronan, up in heaven watching down on you and yours. May God keep him in his care. xoxo

  109. Tanya Pro

    I read your posts every night before I got to bed. I love how you just type, you can tell it is just you venting. I love how pissed off you are at God. You are so inspirational to so many others going through loss and grief. I love that you speak your mind and tell it like it is. Your words and thoughts are brilliant.

  110. Tanya Pro

    Well holy shit! I just went back and read that chicks comment to you… wtf was that? Who is she to write all of that? I have been reading your blog for over a month now and not once have I ever had any of those thoughts about how you think your other sons are Ronan or the no fear crap… what a delusional woman! Good for you for blogging this message!

  111. Lisa F

    Maya,
    You have become part of my life, I check in on you a couple of times each & every day, just to see how you are doing. It is a privilege that you let us into your darkest days & small triumphs as you navigate your way through this hell that has been thrust upon you.
    I sooo don’t agree with the comments that provoked this post but what your response showed me is that you are on your way back, you have begun to heal, even if only to create a fire in your belly, to help you connect with the world again.
    You are surrounded by love & give love to the boys & Woody, no one can dispute that!
    Take as much time as you need, I certainly have no idea nor would I presume to tell you…..one foot in front of the other & inhale & exhale, if that’s all you can do at the moment, then more power to you coz I’m not sure if I walked a day in your shoes that could even get out of bed!
    Sending soooo much love to you……

  112. Meghan M

    I am BLOWN away by people. This blog is not in invitation for advice, judgement or criticism. It is a platform for a devoted mother who is experiencing the most disgusting experience fathomable and trying to share her journey in the most honest and brave way she knows. ALL SHE NEEDS IS LOVE, didn’t your parents teach you “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” …and I am going to add ESPECIALLY TO A WOMAN WHO JUST LOST HER 4 YEAR OLD SON TO CANCER, ASSHOLES. Are you kidding, would you like me to read through your private journal or listen in on your prayers at night and give you my two cents, probably not. Just because she has decided to use a “public forum” does not mean you get to sit back in judgement and cowardly post your anonymous critiques. If you REALLY cared about Maya, Liam and Quinn, you (overly concerned blog reader) would have taken whatever steps necessary to reach out to her personally, maybe see the whites of her eyes and hear her voice before so rudely interjecting your vague “professional” opinion. If you can’t handle her “big girl” feelings and emotions, than pick another Blog, otherwise, shut up, shower this family with support and love and figure out how to get rid of this shit-hole of a disease.
    Peace and Love 🙂

  113. Cory Engle

    Since you have had the courage to be completely honest with us, I don’t think I should do less than the same (and if I am honest, more than once in my life since I started reading this blog, I have had you in my head as sort of a role model, so I guess that means trying to live up to your example even when it is not easy.) I did not read the original comment to which you are responding in this post…and while I did not have the same concerns to the same degree as it seems like the Overly Concerned Reader did, I will say I had a moment or two where I was worried….like when you used to talk about running late at night in Central Park and now wherever you are and the way in which you describe pushing yourself when swimming and how far out you got…I wondered if you were being reckless with yourself, deliberately flirting with danger…and I had a involuntary cringe at some of the talk about Ronan being your favorite. But I never commented about it—for a lot of really important reasons and these reasons are why I am commenting now.
    It is inescapably clear in every moment of your life that you have shared with us that you have tremendous courage, boundless love for your friends and family and a will to live and learn and grow that I don’t believe anything in the world will ever change. I’m not kidding when I say that you have become my role model. Ronan too for the way it seems he took a running leap at life at every day, but YOU have become the yardstick by which I often measure myself, to help me become more than I was yesterday. THEREFORE, when I read something you say that concerns me, rather than writing a judgmental comment, I….
    ….Remember that as much as you are giving us a window into your life—we really are not a part of it and we don’t actually know you, so we can’t perfectly understand the meaning and context and nuance of every little thing you say. [for example, the commenter who explained that every one of her children is her favorite child—that perfectly answers what I was concerned about. I am not a mother—it did not jump immediately to my mind that a mother’s love works exactly that way. It’s not just me rationalizing away my concerns when I say, “well, there’s probably no need to be concerned-I probably just didn’t understand what Maya was meaning to say there.’] So I remember how much I respect you and admire you and realize that I am probably taking what you said wrong.
    …Think about how you seem to have surrounded yourself with very good people and they would not hesitate to talk to you about anything they felt needed to be addressed—so you don’t need me to do it in a blog comment.
    …Think about how if any one of us were judged by what we say or do or thought at our lowest moment, our most vulnerable, weakest, darkest night of our soul…well, it would be ugly for everyone. So I respect the person who is willing to air her dark moments not the anonymous person eager to cast aspersions.
    So I am not going to sugarcoat what I have thought as I have read your blog and pretend that every thought I have had has been positive and “ohmygodshe’sperfect”….I guess because ultimately it’s not necessary. The person you seem to be to me is more real and more true than being perfect—which is why I keep reading and keep being inspired by you.

  114. KT

    Hi, Jessica I think the Charity Charms is
    an awsome idea. I own a few myself.

    Patrice, I will say a prayer tonight for your sweet
    Charlotte.

    Maya, lots of love to you tonight. I looked up
    at the beautiful moon last night and thought
    of you and sweet Ro. Big hugs to you,Woody,
    Liam and Quinn. xoxo

  115. Erika

    I was introduced to Ronan’s story by an old high school friend living in Arizona…been checking in on your blog and keeping you and your family in my thoughts. I’m confident that if you lived in WI – one, you’d probably freeze and two- we’d be friends. I have no judgement, only strength and caring that I send out in the universe for you. A poem for your family –

    “May the light always find you on a dreary day
    when you need to be home,may you find a way
    May you always have courage to take a chance,
    and never find frogs in your underpants.”

    Not sure who wrote that, but it’s one of my favorites.
    love to you from Wisconsin…

  116. Trish

    Maya it sounds to me, considering what you and your family has been through…that you are doing just FINE. As for anyone reading this blog that does not agree with the author….don’t read…and if you chose to continue to read, then don’t respond. It’s Maya’s journey…..it’s her time to heal and if blogging is one of the few outlets that allows her to curse and be completely truthful and speak her mind then let that be what it is meant to be. Imagine being in her shoes for one second, not even a minute….keeping on the normal mom face she needs to keep on to keep Liam and Quinn happy to help them heal….she needs to be their Mom…she knows this!!!!! It’s soooooo obvious. So when she is alone with her thoughts and those sweet little boys are recharging their batteries for the next morning…..let Maya vent for goodness sake…..and like I said read or don’t read….but don’t even consider blogging back if you don’t have anything nice to say….did we not learn that in preschool:)

    You go girl….I think you are doing a fantastic job!!

    and seriously, enough with the wedding talk…..who gives a crap….remember why the blog was started!

  117. juliemooreonlife

    this is my first time reading your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son.

    Your grief is your grief and however that looks for you is ok. It’s nobody’s business what you say, how you say it, or what you do with it.

    When I was grieving I hated it when people wanted me to grieve the way they thought I should. It has its own time and looks different for everybody. Sounds like you let out your feelings here on your blog. Good for you, that’s one of the most healing things you can do.

    So glad I found you and I look forward to reading more. Praying for you Maya.

  118. Lisa

    Maya- You are awesome!
    Just wanted to share a funny story- My family and I were walking by a mom smoking on a bench watching her children play in the cold. Smoky McSmokerson Mom said “Put your coat on or you’ll catch a cold” My awesome sister-in-law said to her ” Oh yea- you’re gonna catch cancer!” We were taking a break from sitting by my father’s side as he dies from lung cancer- he smoked for 30 years. Smoking does and always will cause CANCER!

  119. Jen H.

    Maya,
    Your strength and will to share you life with all of us during this devastating journey is amazing. You have changed me….your family has changed me…Ronan has left an unbelievable mark in this world. I read your story every single night and I thank you for sharing. I don’t know you personally but learned of your story through a mutual friend in phx. This isthe first comment I have ever left because I never knew what to say …… I have no right to comment other than to tell you you are an amazing woman, mother, friend and human being. Thank you.
    Jen H

  120. Mom of 3

    Seriously people, are you all serious? Clearly, most of you have not lost a loved one and have no clue what it feels like to lose a loved one to cancer. Maya is bold, and brave, brave enought to share her emotions on a blog. Cancer is horrible and having lost my mother to cancer, I understand the truths of which Maya speaks. The fact that some of you are even taking time to criticize Maya tells me that you have too much time on your hands and clearly do not know how to use your God given time wisely. Let this poor mother grieve, she is merely grieving in the way that she needs to and knows how to. We are all individuals and need to grieve in the manner that is best for us as individuals.

    Maya, stay strong my dear! most people do not understand the loss of a loved one. May God be with you and your family during this difficult time!
    God Bless!

  121. Kristin

    Maya – You are amazing. Filter through the negative comments. I sitting here in awe that they are even on here. I can’t fathom it right now. You are walking through fire. None of us know what you are going through.
    You are so strong for Liam & Quinn. They are so lucky to have you for their Mom, just as lucky as you are to have them. Bless you and your family. You are in my thoughts & prayers.

  122. Tina

    This is just another example of how truly Amazing a mother, friend and woman you are, Maya!

    You are such an inspiration to me and I KNOW I am a better person because of you writing about your journey with Ronan, your love and devotion for him, your twins and Woody. I have learned so much from you and Ro, but I would happily GIVE IT ALL BACK if only you could have one second, one minute, one hour, one day back with your sweet angel to hold his hand, kiss his sweet lips, here his little giggle and tell him how much you love him to the moon and back. It makes me so fucking mad and angry and sad that you can’t have that for just one second.

    FUCK CANCER!

    The other night, i was working late and had the TV on for some reason and out of no where I hear the song “Big Jet Plane” come on. I hear it as I’m concentrating on what I’m working on, and look over to see a Maybelline commmercial of all things. It’s the first makeup commercial I’ve ever cried to. I know I’m emotional, but WTF. Your sweet boy and you, my dearest Maya, are what bring those tears to my eyes. I love you both so much and have never known you except through your love for your family and your amazing strength as a mother, wife and friend, all of which was through your words that you share with us. You are such a powerful woman along with your blue-eyed rockstar….I have no doubt that you will change the world and bring awareness to childhood cancer. Before your baby Ro, I had no idea what NB was. Thank you for sharing with us all and I would give anything to bring him back to you.

    Everyday, even before you even mentioned this, and without even closing my eyes, I’ve tried imagining your last hours with Ro, giving him the courage to take his last breathe. My heart breaks and hurts like I’ve never felt it hurt before, and he’s not even my child. I think of you kissing his cold lips over and over as you wash his little body. I cry every day Maya for you and Ro. I honestly don’t know how you make it through each day. I have no idea how you are able to handle this. I imagine this being my 4 yr old son and I can barely breathe just thinking of this as I bawl my eyes out. I hate that this fucking cancer has taken him from you. I HATE IT! I miss him for you everyday. I want him back for you everyday. I love my babies more everyday because of you my lovely unknown friend and the most beautiful boy I’ve never met.

    This is your blog for you and to your BABY RONAN. Even on the dark days (which I don’t see as dark, but as grieving), the fact is that we are lucky that you share your baby and all that comes with the love of motherhood for not only Ro, but for Liam and Quinn. You inspire me to be a better mom, wife, friend, everything. You are AMAZING and I love you and your precious famly…all of you!!

    To the blog readers that have just crossed the line to far: first, Maya told the family who was smoking that “Smoking causes cancer”……the last time I checked, this is a fact and the cold hard truth. Maya was only stating the FACTS, being honest and true just as she is on this blog….not judging. Get your shit straight or shut it.

    Next, when did Maya’s wedding expense become apart of the loss of her sweet boy and a mother grieving her son’s death which is the heart and soul of this blog. are fucking kidding me right now. go fuck yourself with your $3K wedding day. while you may have been trying to make a point, it was sent in the wrong way. try again appropriately or don’t come back and leave Maya alone. She does not need to respond to your BS.

    Maya – we love you and your family. You have the heart, strenght, power and soul to make a difference in Ronan’s honor. I would love to and want to help however I can.

    Thinking of you every day and with so much love…..
    Tina

  123. ahlettieri

    You are my Hero, Maya 🙂 Please don’t waste your time and energy responding to these people… They do not walk in YOUR shoes.. They did not just lose Ronan to cancer.. Keep being real.. Keep being honest.. Keep writing… We Love You MamaMaya!!!

    1. ag

      ooops… I have no idea how this name got posted to my comment above??? Anyway.. my name is ag.. not ahlettieri?? sorry

  124. sonia

    so really nothing to do with your overall message of your post but the e-mail from your best friend bringing up the hummingbird reminded me of something i’ve been meaning to tell you. i’ve lived in my house for 4 years and every year ONE hummingbird will visit the plants in the yard. i’ve never seen more than one. well after ronan passed i’ve seen 4 at a time. it’s crazy…and i see them EVERY day. so i wake up every morning in a crabby mood mad at the world for my own personal reasons then i go to let the dog out and i see the hummingbirds. each and every morning…and it makes me take a step back and think of you and everything you’ve been through. i do beleive this is ronan (who i’ve never met) telling me to calm the fuck down and just live life one day at a time. and the strange part is i forget about those hummingbirds every morning but when i see them i stop and smile. 🙂

  125. Kathy Walton

    Maya,
    Frankly, if I was in your position I wouldnt get out of bed, I wouldnt eat, I would take drugs and I respect you for having the strength to carry on and not do those things. . NO ONE has a right to say one fucking word about how you or your husband or children are handling this. Grieving is a personal matter and everyone grieves differently. Anyone who reads your posts or looks at your pictures can see that you love all of your children equally. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with people? What kind of insensitive MORON would tell a mother who just lost her son what she needs to do or how she needs to grieve? If I was in your position and someone tried to tell me that I would seriously knock them the fuck out . I would be sooo angry that someone thought they had a right to tell me what I should do or how I should feel or how to grieve that I would seriously hit them.Other people who have lost children know what you are going through but they still dont have a fucking right to tell you or your family how you should handle your grieving. You and your family need to do whatever feels right, if its some small thing that eases your pain for even a few minutes or spending the summer together somewhere as a family then do it! If you want to run alone because it makes you feel better then run alone…you could probably outrun anyone that tried to bother you anyway!
    Please dont let insensitive comments on your blog stop you from writing or sharing your feelings wth the rest of us. We all truly do care about you and your family and although the majority of us have probably never met you personally we feel like we know you.
    I come home from work every night and read your blogs Maya and you are an inspiration to not only me but all of the rest of the people who read them.
    Do what you have to and what feels right to be able to somehow cope with the worst situation in the world that could ever happen to a mother.
    I will continue to read your blogs and hope for healing and nothing but the best for your family.

  126. R

    This just reminds me of a short & simple statement.
    “Take a moment to walk a mile in my shoes. On second thought, just keep the shoes. And keep on walking”

  127. gina dondero-haynie

    maya, why does “K” not give their full name?? i mean, for stating such comments, this “K” sure seems like a chicken shit!!! don’t waist another moment on “K” so pathetic…. life is beautiful and so are you. “K” not so much…………………………. xoxo

  128. Jen

    I just wanted to say, thank you so much for sharing everything you’re going through so openly with us. I have so much respect for you and your family, for the way you’re dealing with such a tragedy, and learning how to go on with your lives. And for how you’re not afraid to express everything you’re feeling. I too, feel things more in the lonesome dark of night, when it’s so much easier to say exactly what you think and feel.

    You and your story are so incredibly inspiring. I hope I can learn from your strength, and be a better person.

    I pray for you all, and hope that if I’m ever blessed enough to have children, I can be half as good a mom as you’ve been to all of your boys. Massive hugs to you all.

  129. Jac E

    So I usually dont post comments on blogs… but this post meant a lot to me. Perhaps not more than so many others you have written that have brought tears to my eyes, and love to my heart, but I wanted to comment on this one. Maya, I dont know you. You don’t know me. But your story – this blog – has opened my eyes to a kind of strong motherhood and childhood that makes me want to be a better person. Do I judge you occasionally? Probably, and for that I am deeply and truly sorry. This post opened my eyes to that and made me ashamed of the many times daily that I judge others without knowing them or their stories. I appreciate you sharing your soul with us, and I love that your multitude of friends and readers DO support you through these unimaginable ups and downs. Your raw sadness and the way you have honestly written to your darling son has honestly changed a piece of my life. For that I can only be grateful. I can only hope that when I become a mother I will do it with half the grace you have. *hugs* from a stranger in the midwest.

  130. Elizabeth Z

    Mama Maya,

    You and your family own a pice of my heart!

    For all negative and judgmental people, you have a choice to read or NOT to read, back off! How dare you say all those untrue and insensitive things about Mama Maya!?

    Love you Mama Maya ❤ Sorry but it makes I dislike judgmental, insensitive people!

  131. Shlomit

    What was really unbelievable about the comment that started all of this, was the fact that a woman claiming to be a psychologist, a professional, would: 1) approach things in the manner she did, which was VERY judgmental and critical…WRONG way to approach a grieving mom and how she is handling her and her family’s life right now; 2) have her facts wrong and go off on a complete tangent about Maya telling her boys they cannot be fearful/have fear, etc…when IN FACT, what Maya has been saying to Liam and Quinn is that they should push hard in everything they do, never quit, don’t complain/whine, but be grateful and proud and always think of little Ronan and his fighting spirit, which no doubt, is in ALL of the Thompson boys, seeing how Maya and Woody both are…last time I checked, I have these same talks with my boys because I want to raise them to be strong, confident, grateful and TO NEVER QUIT. Where in the world did this woman come up with her “facts”?? She didn’t read very carefully the words directly from Maya and for that, I would simply say as a caution…be careful before you comment that you have your facts straight. And if it’s criticism of Maya, and negativity, I would take that elsewhere — I seriously question what kind of a person would come at her swinging like that right now. And as a “professional/psychologist”…well, I can’t help but question that, too.
    I look forward to fighting this fight with you, Maya. You are an amazing human being, doing an incredible job each day to live, given the unbelievable loss you’ve experienced.

  132. Aubrey

    Wow…you are so strong and much more diplomatic than I would have been. I too did not read the post that you are referring to but I am proud of you that you spoke up. No one knows how each of us should grieve. We each deal with our losses and tragedy in distinct ways and there is NOTHING wrong with that. How sad for the person who’s mind is so narrowed that they feel they have the right to criticize how you are surviving an unimaginable situation that they have never endured. I am so inspired by your strength. You are incredible and your family is blessed to have a mama like you.

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