I am trying my hardest to pretend this weekend is normal when all I really want to do is run away. Ro woke up bright and early as well as the twins as they had their baseball game to get ready for. Woody headed out early with them and Ronan and I waited for Tricia and Macy to pick us up to head over to the game. Macy’s eyes were full of tears as soon as she saw us and I tried my best to look away. It hurt so bad. Tricia drove my car, Macy sat in front and I sat in the back with Ro. We headed out to watch the twins play in their baseball game. It was hard for me to be there today, as I know everyone knows whats going on and I could feel the sadness in the air. I held on to Macy and Tricia’s hands, kissed my husband and cheered on my twins. I put on my sweetest smile, tucked Ronan away in his stroller and said hello to a few lovely team moms. We got to watch my boys play their game for about 20 minutes as that is all Ronan could handle. He is in pain and just wanted to go home. I left there with Tricia, Macy and Ronan in tow and talked Ronan into getting a shaved ice from our favorite place. He even went inside to pick out his flavors for him and his brothers. Macy had her first shaved ice today too. So proud I was the one to break her in. After our shaved ice, we headed to Have Java for coffees and Ronan then decided he wanted to go to Target. At this point, his wish is our command. We stopped by our house to drop off Liam and Quinn’s treats and Quinn hopped in the car with us to go to Target. It was the first time I have seen Ronan smile since we’ve been home. We went to town on getting him some new Star Wars guys and a Nerf Gun. After Target, we came back home and my mom had just arrived. Ronan was overwhelmed by the few people in our house as it was a little chaotic for him. Tricia and Macy said they were leaving and I begged them not to. I feel so strong with the two of them around. Tricia was only trying to be helpful and said I needed time with my family but I pleaded with her that she and Macy are our family. As soon as they left, I started bawling. I told them I just needed them at my house even if that meant they were picking weeds in my backyard. They both decided to respect the space that they think we need. I get it, I understand, but I am not my rational self these days. I sent Tricia a text telling her I was mad at her and as she had abandoned me. I know this is not the case at all, but not getting my way when I think I know best, is something I have a hard time with. I know that Tricia was right in leaving today. Nobody knows their place and it is a hard thing to watch. All I want is my house full of the people who I love most. Full of laugher, fun, and friends. But this is not what Ronan wants and I have to respect that.
After the Tricia fiasco, I went into straight psychotic mode and knew I was going to end up huddled in a corner somewhere bawling my eyes out. I didn’t want to freak out Liam and Quinn, so I decided I needed to take my anger out elsewhere. I ran my ass up Camelback Mountain as fast as I could and cried almost the entire way. I think Marisa called in the middle of my hike and I remember babbling to her about everyone abandoning me. She tried to calm me down, but there was no calming me today. I kicked that mountains ass and it felt good. I got to the top, prayed once again, and zoomed down as fast as I could. Tricia called me as I was halfway down the mountain begging to come and find me. I told her no, that I would be down soon. She in Macy trecked up as far as they could in their flip flops. As soon as Trish saw me she grabbed me and held me tight and we both cried. She told me how sorry she was, and how she would never leave me. I was the one who was sorry as I was a big, fat, jerk. Nothing in my mind makes sense anymore and the littlest things upset me. I know my best friend would never leave my side. I was being overly dramatic. I about peed my pants laughing when I saw what Macy was wearing while trying to climb up the mountain. Only a true friend would hike up Camelback in a red skirt and sandals, flashing everyone in sight due to the wind. As she said, “Thank god I wore underwear today.” I’m still laughing about that one.
I had them leave me at the bottom, so I could run home. It was there that I was greeted by my mom and Quinn who was riding his bike looking for me. So sweet. I was so happy to see him. He was so proud to come and find me. I am such a lucky mama; my boys love me so much.
I’m sick to death about Ronan. I feel like his body is giving out, but the worst part is his spirit and soul seem to be going as well. He is tired, grumpy, and just lays around. This is so hard for us to watch. It was only a few weeks ago that he was running around as if nothing was wrong. This is all happening way too fast. He just wants to be held and loved so that is what we are doing. I am still praying for a miracle and won’t ever stop. I keep picturing in my mind, him just getting better by himself because of all of our love. I’m hoping that months will go by and he will slowly come back to us. I dream of taking him in again for scans and hearing the words, “It’s amazing, his cancer has stopped spreading and is going away.” I dream of this a dozen times a day.
We have not had the talk with the twins yet, although I know they know something is going on. I’m trying to think of the perfect way to do it. There is no perfect way or perfect timing but as of now, I’m imagining Woody and I taking them on a walk to just let them know as little as possible. No talk about death, but explaining to them that the medicine is not working so we just need to love Ronan as much as we can. We will answer their questions as best we can, but have to try to make this as positive as possible. They do not need to know everything at this point. He is still here with us, he is still fighting but my baby is getting tired. I can see it in his eyes.
I’m scared to sleep now. What if I miss something. What if he takes his last breath and I miss it? I will never forgive myself. I’ve stopped taking my Ambien…. I’m obsessed with listening to his every heartbeat and watching him all night long. I sit and think about where he is going to go next…. somewhere with no more pain, but how can he not be in pain because I know his heart is going to be broken because he won’t be with us. This is going to be worse than any pain that he has been through at this point. He was meant to be with us forever. Not such a short amount of time as we had so many plans.
I’m restless and scared at what is going to come out of my mouth if I keep rambling on tonight. I love all of my family and friends so much. I love my Mr. Sparkly Eyes whom is always there to pick me up, especially when I’m at my lowest point. He is the only one who makes me smile now and who gives me such amazing advice. I love him for that. I love my husband for trying to be so brave, but he is so sad and I don’t know what to do except for try to be strong for him when he needs to break down. I sat on his lap tonight outside for a long time and tried to be the voice of reason and tried to reassure him that none of this is his fault like he is insisting that it is. He keeps saying it’s because of his bad genes. I told him that was bullshit and had nothing to do with this. It was just bad luck. Look at our beautiful perfect twins we have. My heart breaks for my husband and all I can do is love him, talk to him, and try to be strong for him as I did today, anytime he was around. I love him so much, that beautiful man of mine.
I’m ending tonight on that note. I love you all so much. Sweetest dreams to you all. I will never stop thanking you for your love and support.