Let the hiding begin….

Hello. Hope you all are well. I have officially gone into hiding. So much so, that my 3 besties had to bust into my house on Sunday morning to make sure I was o.k. I felt like I was on that show, “Intervention.” I don’t mean to shut everyone out; but it’s what I do best. Being home has been great and I have been loving spending time with Liam and Quinny. I could easily stay in my house and never leave again because when I do go out, the anxiety is still too much. Woody practically kicked me out of the house last night and made me go to a movie. I picked up Linds (my go to last minute girl… thanks mama) and we went to see “Black Swan.” Good movie, but I should have picked something a little less dark. After I dropped off Linds, I was driving home and the tears started up and I couldn’t get them to stop. I had to pull over because I couldn’t even focus on my drive. I’m not going to tell you what thoughts were consuming me…. but I’m sure you can guess. I still don’t think this is real. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that my perfect little boy is so ill. It seems like yesterday that he had a head full of hair, and was running around always looking for trouble. I can’t tell you how much I miss that little boy. The little boy that I could never get mad at because one look at those bright blue eyes and that mischievous smile and I was done. I always ended up laughing at whatever naughty thing he did. Well, most of the time:) Now, I get to watch as he is too weak to walk and wants to me to carry him all of the time. Now I get to lay next to him and know that every breath he takes is a blessing and every kiss he gives me is a dream come true. Every tear that falls down my face is for him and I think about what sadness was like before all of this. Before all of this, sadness should have not existed in my world because I absolutely had nothing to be sad about. Everyday is a struggle for our family; nothing is easy anymore. I am doing what I can do to push through the motions, I am doing what I can do to survive. I am still numb to everything around me, except for pain. I feel that every second of the day.

We got a call from Radiology today and we have all of Ronan’s scans set up. February 2nd, Ronan will go under Anesthesia for his Bone scan. February 3rd, he will go under Anesthesia again for his MIBG, Pet scan, CT scan, and MRI. These two days are going to be very telling for us. After these scans, we will know exactly where the cancer is left in Ronan’s body and from here we will find out when we start the stem cell transplant. We already know that it is clear from his bone marrow; but the MIBG scan will be the most telling of them all. A MIBG (iodine meta-iodobenzylguanidine) scan is a test used to find tumors of a specific origin. This scan will light up Ronan’s whole body to show us where the cancer is still active. Of course we will be praying that it has diminished immensely. Ronan has come too far and worked too hard for it not to.

So, this is my update for today. Tricia was officially concerned because I have gone off the radar; so here you go Tricia Boo. I’m here, or I’m here as much as I can possibly be. I haven’t been talking to anyone so I hope none of you are offended. I miss you all but just need some time to get back in a routine at home. I miss my New York Miss Macy dearly. I will think about the time I had with her and Tricia in New York when I need to smile. The time spent with those two and Ronan meant the world to me. It felt so good just to be and laugh, even though we were in a hospital with my baby who has cancer. True friends that can make you smile and laugh during the hardest times in your life, are the truest of the true. I love you both so much.

Magic Medicine…. Day 3 Round 6

Today was beyond depressing. I sat in a hospital room the entire day with Ronan. We didn’t leave once and he made me close all of the shades so it was as dark as it could be. He slept a lot today and I pretty much just cuddled up beside him, talked to him, and rubbed his back. He perked up a little bit when I told him that he would be able to come home tomorrow. After I told him this, he grabbed my face and kissed me. Ronan may not be big on words this week; but actions speak louder than words and that right there proves what I’ve know all alone. Baby boy just wants to go home. Woody came by to bring Ro lunch, although he didn’t eat much of it. My friend, Melissa, also came by to bring Ronan his favorite Sponge Bob push-ups. Thanks, Melissa:) Woody pretty much insisted that I come home tonight to have a night at home with him and the boys.

Today, is a new day! Didn’t get to finish my post from last night. I put the computer away to spend some time with Woody, Liam and Quinn. We all cuddled up on the couch and watched a movie. It was so nice to be home and sleep in my own bed. I am back at PCH now and we will be discharged at 6:00 this evening. Ronan already looks like a different boy because he knows he gets to go home tonight. He is happy and interactive today. I am so relieved to see this and can’t wait to take my little monkey home!

I can’t believe today is Ronan’s last day of chemo! What a milestone. I will be doing my dance tonight:) Yesterday, I got an email from a friend of a friend, asking who Ronan’s favorite Star Wars character was. I told her Captain Rex and before I knew it, I was emailing back and forth with two amazing women who have been involved with the making of Star Wars over the years. They were able to get the person who does the voice of Captain Rex to record a message just for Ronan. I played it for him this morning and you should have seen his face! It was priceless and he keeps playing it over and over on my iPad. Thank you Kathryn and Lynne for making Ronan’s day!!!! And thank you to Dee, who is the voice for Captain Rex. You have no idea how happy you have made my child!!! Niki~ You know the most amazing people… thank you my dear friend. I can’t wait to get home and see you my beautiful neighbor!!!!

This morning when I got to the hospital I did what I do every morning and checked on Ronan’s one last long eyelash. It has been hanging on forever. I noticed this morning, that is is gone. His little eyebrows are almost gone as well. I know they will grow back, but that one little eyelash always made me smile. As silly as this sounds, I am really going to miss it. I’m just going to think of it as it being part of Ronan’s body getting rid of all of his cancer so he can come back to us as a brand new boy; cancer free and more beautiful than ever.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend enjoying the precious time you have with your friends and family. Love you all!

xoxo

Hellllloooo Phoenix

Home. Safe and sound. Tonight, my life flashed before my eyes as I pictured not having Ronan on a private jet to get him home. I seriously was almost sick to my stomach and I looked over at Trish and said, “Could you imagine if we would have had to fly home on a commercial flight??” She said no way. If that would have been the case, I don’t think I would have taken Ronan back to Phoenix. I think I may have possibly said screw the study. I know I was not going to say thank you anymore but I’m sorry, SB. You have no idea how much stress you saved me. Thank you again, and again, and again. A commercial flight would have been HELL. He is so miserable right now and was so miserable on the flight. Thankfully, he was able to stretch out and actually lay down on a big seat and rest. He was cranky, hurting, and not a happy camper at all. You should have seen the way he lit up as soon as we touched down in Phoenix and he watched as his two brothers ran and got on the plane to hug him. Oh, it was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes. We loaded everybody into the car and headed toward PCH. As soon as we approached, Ronan asked where we were going, and we had to tell him to the hospital. I watched as his little lip quivered and he said he just wanted to go home. Once again, I was almost sick to my stomach. He was so sad but was too tired to put up much of a fight. Right as we pulled up to PCH, our two favorite nurses, Danny and Arica came walking out. I could not have been happier to see them. Arica gave me a big hug and they were so happy to see Ro. They are both working tomorrow so I know that will make Ronan happy. Liam and Quinn cannot even come into the hospital due to it being RSV season. How is he going to survive without seeing his brothers for the next 10 days? We are going to have to get Skype set up pronto. Ronan is now passed out with his antibiotics running. My poor little guy. He has been through so much and is so strong and brave. I am so sad that he has to go through all of this. It breaks my heart on a daily basis; especially when I see him not acting like himself, like he is depressed and sad. I miss his laugh and smile so much. It’s been a few days since I’ve seen it. Maybe it will appear tomorrow on my un-birthday. That is the only thing I want for my day tomorrow, is to see Ronan smile.

So tomorrow is my 1.11.2011 birthday. It’s supposed to be extra special, right? No thanks. I told Woody tonight that tomorrow is officially my un-birthday. I have actually been being a little bratty about it to anyone that brings it up. I was talking to my friend Pam tonight and she goes, “So happy birthday tomorrow…like it fucking matters.” I said, “THANK YOU! Finally, someone who gets it!!!” She told me she absolutely gets it and I have the right to have an un-birthday. My wish for my birthday tomorrow is for all of you just to think about Ronan, and all of the other kids who are suffering. Take my day and pay it forward to someone else… buy the stranger behind you a coffee at Starbucks, make someone smile, and then think of Ronan when you accomplish this. Take my day and hug your kids extra tight and be grateful for everything you have. I have everything I could ever wish for in my life, except for Ronan’s health. The thought of “celebrating” my birthday seems so unimportant and silly. So no birthday for me tomorrow. Just another day, with my beautiful son, is all I could ever want or need.

So, back from New York and I’m still having mixed feelings. I’ve been pretty upset about having to return so quickly when Ronan is so not feeling well, but I know it’s not going to do me any good so I’m trying my best to change my attitude. This is just not the way I pictured coming back here at all. I wanted to come back from such a positive trip and transition Ronan back to Phoenix in a positive way. By taking him straight off of the airplane, fully healed from surgery, and back to his house and to his brothers. Not straight from an airplane right to PCH for another 10 days. But here we are, and we will make the best of it that we can because that’s just how we roll around here;). I will get Ronan through this and soon we will be home for awhile, before transplant and it will be oh so sweet.

G’nite to all of you out there. Sweetest dreams.

xoxo

Sad to leave, but have to go

The update is we are coming home tomorrow. I am scrambling, have been scrambling for a couple of days now, mentally, I was not ready to go back to Arizona. I feel like I’ve taken these past couple of days to get my mind wrapped around coming home. I feel like I am ready now. Who am I kidding, I am not ready at all. Everything about this trip has been so positive and I am beyond sad to leave earlier than expected, but we cannot fight the COG on this. The COG is the Children’s Oncology Group and they are who is charge of Ronan being on study. We have to stay on study, we want to stay on study, because we really are hoping that Ronan is going to be chosen for 2 stem cell transplants, instead of one. If we go off of study, we won’t have any chance of getting a second transplant, and after the research we’ve done, we really feel like this will increase his chances of survival. So, in a nutshell, the COG is bigger than the doctors and we just have to follow their rules. Hard for me because I really just want to give them the middle finger. I just want what is best for Ronan, and as I said before, I feel like letting him heal fully here is what he needs. But things change and now we are coming home.

Also, Ronan has developed an infection in his broviac line. He has been spiking fevers the past few days and they thought it was just due to surgery, but they tested his blood and one of the cultures came back positive. This is a minor bump in the road considering all we have been through. It is something that Sloan has under control and has been reassuring me that it is something that is treatable with antibiotics. Well, they started the first dose of antibiotics last night and as I was holding Ronan, I looked down and his entire head was red and he started itching it like crazy and screaming bloody murder. I looked at Mace and Tricia who were both white as a sheet and said, “Call the nurse, he’s having a reaction.” Sure enough, I was told, he had developed what they call “Red Man Syndrome” to the Vancomycin. The nurse came rushing in and told me they would start him on Benadryl to get rid of the reaction. I was pissed. I wanted to know why in the world I wasn’t told that this could possibly happen, and I was informed that it happens to about 60/70 percent of the kids that get this antibiotic. Gee, I wish somebody would have told me this little piece of information, just so I could have been aware of it instead of being scared to death because I did not know what was going on with my child. What if he would have stopped breathing or something?!? We were soon able to get it under control and thank god for Dr. Maze, who I was texting during this entire thing. He took the time to calm me down and explain everything to me. We had a not so good nurse last night who did not seem to know anything and seemed very nervous about all the questions that were flying her way. Other than that, the nurses have been incredible and so has the care. Last night was rough but we got it under control and were able to get Ronan settled down and back to sleep. His fevers have stopped and we will get one dose of his antibiotic tomorrow at 7 a.m. with the Benadryl before, which takes 2 hours. We will hop on our flight after we see Dr. La Quaglia and as soon we land in Phoenix we will have to go right to PCH so we can check in and get Ronan’s second dose of the antibiotic. He has to have it twice a day for about 10 days. All of the doctors here have reassured me that we can still start his chemo, even with the infection, as long as his fever does not come back. I’m even more mad about having to leave here now. How mad is Ronan going to be knowing that we are going home, but don’t really get to go “home” and he has to stay at PCH for about 10 days. It would have been so much easier to stay here. STUPID COG. If you can’t tell I’m a wreck. My anxiety is through the roof and my nerves are shot after these past couple of days.

I sent out an email yesterday to somebody who shall remain nameless, asking if there was any possible way they could fly us privately back home. Part of my panicking was the thought of putting Ronan on a flight. Within the hour, I got an email back, and then a phone call saying, absolutely, they could get us back to Phoenix on their private jet. No worries that is was so last minute, no questions asked, they were just so happy to help. I cannot say thank you enough to you, SB and Mr. B. You have just given us such an amazing gift in helping with keeping Ronan healthy. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts and I can’t wait for the day that I can personally thank you with a big hug and one of Ronan’s famous smiles. We are beyond grateful that there are such kind people in the world out there like yourselves. O.K…. SB….. I know you said no more thank you’s so I’ll stop. After one more huge, THANK YOU!!!

Last night was one of the most heart wrenching/fucked up/hilariously funny nights that I have ever had in my LIFE. Tricia and Macy (who now by the way are in LOVE with each other;))stayed at the hospital with me until about 1 a.m. Macy picked up Thai food (which was to die for) and we got some bottles of Sangria to go and smuggled them into Sloan. While Ronan slept, we ate, talked, laughed, cried, and laughed some more. Macy and Tricia got to see what my world is like on a day to day basis. Macy was bawling half of the time which in turn made me cry and our poor sweet roommate…. she had a crisis with a bloody nose, throwing up blood, and she was scared to death. She is the most beautiful 11 year old girl that I have ever met and she is fighting bone cancer. She has had 17 rounds of chemo and surgery on her leg. It was a privilege to share a room with her and her amazing mom. I tried to help with the bloody nose situation, since I have been there many times with Ronan. I went over and I tried to explain it to her and to calm her down but I wanted to just curl up and die. Her mom was on her bed holding her while her little girl sat and told me how tired she is of being sick, how much pain she is in and how scared she is. I started bawling, and when I finally went back to my side of the room, Tricia and Macy were bawling as well. In the 3 days that we spent with this little girl I heard her talk about all the things she appreciates in life and how she is so thankful for her “good days.” She is wise beyond her years and stronger than most adults. One of the most beautiful, inspiring, souls I have ever met with an amazing family who will no doubt, get her through this. Tricia, Macy and I bonded over so many things last night and Macy is now without a doubt, a friend for life.

I got all of our stuff packed up today while Tricia stayed at the hospital with Ronan. I came back to Sloan and Trish ran out to do some things. She is probably in the middle of cleaning our room at the RMH so we can be all ready to go tomorrow. Thank you, TT~ I don’t know what I would do without you. Macy came by to say good-bye to us and left me with a card. After she left, I opened it up and started to cry just from the words on the front of it. I’m an emotional wreak tonight. Ronan is depressed and told me tonight with his lip quivering, that he misses his brothers so much. Tomorrow is going to be awful. All Ro wants to do is to be home with Liam and Quinn but he can’t. I’m not even sure that the boys’ can come to PCH to visit due to it being RSV season. UGH. I don’t even want to think about how much Ronan’s heart is going to break going from one hospital to the next. Poor baby.

Tonight I say good-bye to New York with a heavy heart. I’m scared to go back to reality and back to my real world… I’m scared I’m going to lose the Maya that I have found while being in this city. As crazy as this sounds, this trip was one of the best trips of my life. Knowing that Ronan came here with a big job to do and it was so successful and positive, is maybe why it seems so hard to leave. I’m sure most of this is just my anxiety speaking. It will be wonderful to be home surround by my sweet twins, amazing husband, family and friends. I have missed you all dearly. I’ve just got to figure out how to keep this momentum going that I have found in this city. I will forever be in love with New York, Sloan Kettering, Dr. La Quaglia, Dr. Kusher, and the whole team of Neuroblastoma doctors. I will be back here next year to run the Marathon with Ronan in remission and waiting for me at mile 16. I love you New York! I feel so blessed to have had you heal myself and my baby!!

Goodnight world. Thanks for all of your love and support!!!

xoxo

Hospital Reality sucks

We moved out of the POU (Pedatric Oncology Unit) today and into a different area of the 9th floor. I wish we could have stayed in the POU, but moving to this room is a step up as far as getting us out of here. The POU only has 3 rooms and they are so private that you never see what is going on with the other patients there. The room we are in now, is just like the 2nd floor at PCH. Except worse in a way, because the kids seem so much sicker. I cannot even tell you what I have seen on this floor today, but it is something a mother should never have to see or experience. Let’s just say, it left me in tears most of the day. One room in particular is covered in signs about heaven and God and through the window I saw a mommy feeding her baby ice chips, scooping them into her mouth. The doors here are covered in posters that say things like, “Be strong, Be positive, Be brave.” I have had that empty pit in my stomach the entire day again and it is once again thoughts are filling my head like I can’t believe my baby is in the cancer club now. I have been so positive and upbeat lately… this has kind of thrown me for a loop. On top of it all, Woody left today and I guess I need him around more than my independent self thinks. I was so spoiled by having him here with me the entire time. He gives me so much strength and we are such a great team. We have a roommate too. I think the little girl is about 11 and has bone cancer. That’s what I’ve picked up on so far. There hasn’t been a lot of time for chit chat. Ronan spent the day walking around some more. Still trying to do everything himself. He is so sweet. Everything is always, “Please help me.” or “Please hold my hand.” or “Please get me a drink.” He says please before asking me to do anything in his squeaky little voice. He is hurting so badly but is too proud to tell me.

I met a new friend today named Ed. He is somebody that my friend, Niki, reached out to after hearing his story about his son, Jack, and his battle with Neuroblastoma. Jack fought long and hard, but passed away at age 5. It was hard meeting Ed today, the pain in his eyes was undeniable. From the second I saw him though, I felt as if I had known him forever. He sat with me for about 2 hours and we talked about everything. It was comforting to me and hard at the same time. He said it was therapeutic for him which I was surprised to hear him say, but it says a lot about the type of man he is. He left me with a big bear hug and I had tears in my eyes. Today was a very special day and I feel privileged to have learned about his journey. He has been through hell and back and is still standing; with a smile and a laugh that will melt your heart.

Tonight, is the first night that I am really homesick. I guess it’s true…. my home is wherever Woody is, because I know that is why I am feeling this way. Also, I really miss the twins. My heart ached when I talked to them on the phone tonight. I hate being away from them. We are almost done with New York though… I am going to make the most of these next couple of weeks. So glad Tricia gets here tomorrow. That is going to make me a lot less homesick.

Ronan is doing well and Dr. Angel (La Quaglia) came to visit. Ronan gave him a big smile the entire time he was here. It’s like the two of them share a secret now… they have a special bond. My friend Pam’s husband, Larry, told me that Dr. La Quaglia walks on water to them. I couldn’t agree more.

My Xanex, that I NEVER take, is starting to kick in. Thank god. I was feeling like I was going to jump out of my own skin all day today. I need a night of sleep without nightmares. My dreams are so vivid anymore. The night before Ronan’s surgery, I had a dream all about it. Everything turned out perfectly, Ronan was fine, and then Woody had to share the news with me that he had an inoperable brain tumor. WTF is that all about?? My baby was saved, but my husband was now dying. I remember everything about that dream so vividly, down to every single person that was in it. I woke up thinking it was real. I’ve never had dreams like this in my life. They are so real, it is scary. Sleep is hard now because I wake up so often, because of a nightmare or because of worrying. Hopefully there will come a time when it will once again be peaceful for me again. WIth that said, head hitting the pillow, asap. G’nite, sleep tight, love to you all.

xoxo

Baby’s incision šŸ™

Ronan’s Day Out

The stats helper
monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and
here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The
Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads
Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors
per year. This blog was viewed about
150,000 times in 2010. If it were an
exhibit at The Louvre Museum, it would take 6 days for that many
people to see it.

In 2010, there were
178 new posts, not bad for the first
year! There were 247 pictures
uploaded, taking up a total of 216mb. That’s about 5 pictures per
week.

The busiest day of the year was August
17th with 3,642 views. The most
popular post that day was My
first true love
.

Where did
they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010
were facebook.com,
twitter.com,
mail.yahoo.com,
mail.live.com, and
Google Reader.

Some
visitors came searching, mostly for rockstar
ronan
,
www.rockstarronan.com,
rockstarronan.com,
rockstarronan, and ronan
thompson
.

Attractions
in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got
the most views in 2010.

1

My
first true love
August
2010

16 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,

2

RonanBaby
August
2010

79 comments

3

The
Ronan Thompson Foundation
September
2010

1 comment

4

The
Journey Begins . . .
August
2010

52 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com,

5

Sick.Mad.Angry.Scared.
This effing sucks.
September
2010

18 comments

Ronan’s Day Out

Today was a blur! Ronan
and I headed out around 1:00. Our first stop was Dylan’s Candy
Shop. He was in heaven! I let him pick out all of his goodies and
then we headed out to hit the city. We walked for about 5 hours and
ended up meeting up with Woody. To say that the city was busy is an
understatement. This city is still packed full of people. Ronan was
such a trooper and we had such fun exploring the city. I feel like
I know it like the back of my hand now. We got back to the RMH
around 6 and then I headed out for my run. I ran for about an hour
and a half, in Central Park and it was glorious. People everywhere,
I had my headphones blaring and every chunk of snow that came my
way, I kicked it as hard as I could and imagined it was Ronan’s
tumor I was stepping on and killing. I must have done this about 50
times tonight… it felt so good. After my run, I came back here
and fixed Ronan dinner. He ate so much and has gained so much
weight. He is back to being my chubby little monkey. Well, not
really chubby, but he is back to his normal weight. The nurses at
PCH would be so proud. He weighs more than he has since we started
this whole thing. It must be all the pizza;) He seems to be doing
fine without Liam and Quinn which is great. I was really worried he
was going to go into some deep depression without them. Woody and I
have really been enjoying spending some one on one time with him.
He has been keeping us very busy. Right now, he is on the ground
doing his push-ups. He cracks me up like not other! His energy is
never ending; and I am so enjoying him and how great he is feeling.
I’m soaking it all up while I can because I know these next couple of
weeks are going to be hard. That’s all for tonight; we are beat
around here. Sweetest dreams to you all. xoxo I took this picture
on my run tonight. Oh, how I love this city.

Ronan’s Day Out

Thanks DD, for the lyrics to this. It is a perfect song for
our Anniversary. Woody and I will do an Anniversary redo… I
promised my friend, Macy this tonight. Maybe after Ronan’s surgery,
after things have calmed down a bit. We owe each other that time to
celebrate. Love you, Woo. Who by the way, now reads my blog,
supports my blog, and loves my blog. What more could I ask for?? I
am so thankful for a supportive husband… it took him awhile to
come around to this blogging business. I am so glad he did… he loves me that much. I am the
luckiest girl alive. xoxo Dave Matthews Wanna pack your bags,
Something small Take what you need and we disappear Without a trace
we’ll be gone, gone The moon and the stars can follow the car and
then when we get to the ocean We gonna take a boat to the end of
the world All the way to the end of the world Oh, and when the kids
are old enough We gonna teach them to fly You and me together, we
could do anything, Baby You and me together yes, yes You and I,
we’re not tied to the ground Not falling but rising like rolling
around Eyes closed above the rooftops Eyes closed, we’re gonna spin
through the stars Our arms wide as the sky We gonna ride the blue
all the way to the end of the world To the end of the world Oh, and
when the kids are old enough We gonna teach them to fly You and me
together, we could do anything, Baby You and me together yes, yes
We can always look back at what we did All these memories of you
and me baby But right now it’s you and me forever girl And you know
we could do better than anything that we did You know that you and
me, we could do anything You and me together, we could do anything,
Baby You and me together yeah, yeah To of us together, we could do
anything, baby You and me together yeah, yeah To of us together
yeah, yeah To of us together, we could do anything, baby ?? to
reach the end of the world

Here’s to you, Wooddawg. 9 years later, baby.

Today, 9 years ago, I was married to my best friend, the
love of my life, my Woody. The only person who has ever truly had
my heart. It was the happiest day of my life; until today. Today is
the happiest day of my life in a different way; a bittersweet way.
Never in a million years did I think that 9 years after I married
my husband, that I would be crying tears of joy because my baby’s
bone marrow scan came back as clean. Yes, that’s right, you heard
me, CLEAN! When Ronan was diagnosed, his bone marrow was filled
with 5-7 percent of Neuroblastoma. Now, it has come back as gone.
What does this mean you ask? It means a lot of things. It means
that the chemo is working, it means that the Neuroblastoma is going
to be easier to get rid of, it means that Ronan truly is kicking
cancer’s ass, and it means that we are once again, filled with so
much hope for our baby of ours. He truly is a force to be reckoned
with. Nothing can stop this baby, not even something as evil as
cancer. This is the best news we could have received today; the
best anniversary gift I could have ever asked for. It is truly a
miracle and proof that all of our prayers, love, energy, and
whatever else is out there, is working in our favor. We met with
Dr. La Quaglia today. He was serious and to the point, but also as
soon as he walked into the room, I knew. I knew that we were in the
right place and I knew that there is nobody in the world that I
would trust with the life of my child. It was like he had a circle
of angels surrounding him. I took one look in his eyes and the
trust was formed instantly. He of course told us how serious the
surgery was; he had to make sure we were aware of the risks. This
was hard for me to hear; but I know legally, he has to tell us
these things. He said on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst,
Ronan’s Neuroblastoma surgery was about a 3. I asked him how long
he anticipated the surgery taking and he looked at me and said, “As
long as it takes to do a perfect job.” Done and done. I know this
man is a gift from god and the only person that should be operating
on my child. With that said…. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE…. spend all
day Monday thinking and praying for Ronan. He will need it and we
will need it. I have never been more scared in my entire life. This
is a huge deal… he has to get through this. Just imagining my
baby going through this makes me sick to my stomach. But he is a
fighter and has proven that he can handle anything. He loves us all
too much to leave us.

Tonight, I am asking that you keep a little
girl in your prayers named Ashley. Her mom got in touch with me a
few months ago and her daughter, who is 7, was diagnosed about a
week after Ronan. Today, as Ro and I were trecking through the snow
to Sloan Kettering, I heard her mom yell out my name. I turned
around and there she was, Nicole, on her way to Sloan as well. She
introduced herself and said she has been following my blog for
quite some time now. Ashley, will have her surgery tomorrow, by Dr.
La Qualia. I know she is going to be fine, but as always, extra
prayers help. I will keep you posted and I will be thinking of her
all day. I saw Ashley today. She has the exact same sparkle and
strength in her eyes that Ronan has. She is going to be fine;
another beautiful survivor.

So, New York has completey healed my
love for running. It truly has become my therapy again. Last night,
I was crawling out of my skin, dying to run since it had been a day
since I had gotten to. I headed up to Central Park and ran about 6
miles on complete ice. It was dangerous, crazy, and completely
cathartic. Tonight, I did the same thing as well. Right now,
running is the only thing that is saving me. I don’t have my
therapist here…. and I so need to do a phone conference with her.
Running is my saving grace for the time being. I am going to come
back here and make the NYC marathon my bitch. Mark my words.
Today, I got to meet the new love of my life, Miss Macy:) She is somebody
that emailed me awhile back on my blog to say that she lived here
and if I needed anything to please call her. She is around my age,
and we have been keeping in touch for awhile now. Finally, I was
able to meet this little angel of ours. And what an angel she is.
She came through the RMH, all bundled up in her fur, toting gifts,
and as gorgeous as can be. Ronan and Quinn instantly fell in love
with her and I did too. She stayed for a couple of hours and we
entertained the boys the entire time. Ronan was flirting away, up
to all of his usual tricks. Macy could not have been more fun and
just what we needed to brighten our day. Thanks, Macy… as I said
before, I feel like I’ve known you forever. I can’t wait to
celebrate my birthday with you.

So, tonight, I sit alone at some
amazing pub by the RMH, paying bills and blogging away on my
anniversary. Sad but true. I would of course, rather have Woody
with me but he so sweetly understood that I needed to get out.
INDEPENDENCE…. ugh. it is so important to me. I need this time to
do my thing…. blog, pay bills, be out in the real world
surrounded by people laughing and who have no idea what the fuck
cancer really means in life. Everyone here is laughing, drinking,
playing trivia, and living life to the fullest. Just as they should
be. Hey, it wasn’t so long ago that I lived this carefree life. I
will never take it for granted again. I used to be exactly like
these people in this bar. And I will be someday again. Someday, I
will be back here, with my husband, just enjoying each other and
not obsessing about Ronan’s cancer. Love you all. Sweetest dreams.
xoxox

This is dedicated to Ronan… thanks Linds. Because baby, he
is our firework. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting
through the wind wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so
paper thin like a house of cards, one blow from caving in? Do you
ever feel already buried deep? 6 feet under screams but no one
seems to hear a thing Do you know that there’s still a chance for
you ‘Cause there’s a spark in you You just gotta ignite, the light,
and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th of July ‘Cause
baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em what you’re worth Make ’em
go “Oh, oh, oh” As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you’re a
firework Come on, let your colors burst Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh”
You’re gonna leave ’em falling down-own-own You don’t have to feel
like a waste of space You’re original, cannot be replaced If you
only knew what the future holds After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed So you could open
one that leads you to the perfect road Like a lightning bolt, your
heart will blow And when it’s time, you’ll know You just gotta
ignite, the light, and let it shine Just own the night like the 4th
of July ‘Cause baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em what you’re
worth Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh” As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you’re a firework Come on, let your colors burst Make ’em go
“Oh, Oh, Oh” You’re gonna leave ’em falling down-own-own Boom,
boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon It’s always been
inside of you, you, you And now it’s time to let it
through-ough-ough ‘Cause baby you’re a firework Come on, show ’em
what you’re worth Make ’em go “Oh, Oh, Oh” As you shoot across the
sky-y-y Baby, you’re a firework Come on, let your colors burst Make
’em go “Oh, Oh, Oh” You’re gonna leave ’em falling down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon Boom,
boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon