Oh Ro….. what am I going to do without you??

JUNE 9th……………………..

Ronan. It’s almost been two months. Two months since you left me. How is this possible? It makes my head spin. It’s 1:30 in the morning…… 3:30 a.m. will be here soon. That’s around when you took your last breath. When I kissed your lips and whispered in your ear to come with me so we could get out of this place. I still can’t believe all this has happened. How my worst nightmare, really came true. I was so sure you would get better. You were going to beat all of the awful statistics and live to be a normal, healthy boy. You were so strong, so brave, and so proud. I remember how the day before you passed away and you weren’t really going to the bathroom anymore. I kept trying to get you to go. Finally, you told me in your squeaky little voice that you needed to pee. You didn’t want to go in the urinal right by your bed, you made me carry you to the toilet even though you were in so much pain that it hurt for me to even pick you up. I carried you to the bathroom and set you down on the toilet. Your little body was so skinny and frail that it took my breath away. But you were so proud. Too proud to do the easy thing and just use the potty by your bed. You always hated that thing. You held your chin high as cancer tried to take away your dignity. It never won. Cancer may have taken your life, but it never took away your pride. It would have been such an easy thing to give up and I don’t know that I know many souls in this world that would have put up such a fight like you did. I feel so privileged to be your mommy, Ro. You are so amazing in every way.

New York Miss Macy left today. Everyone was sad to see her go. Quinn and I took Olivia with us for the day as he wanted to go to a movie. We ended up seeing, “Turtle: The Incredible Journey. It was all about a little Loggerhead turtle and her journey in life. Her purpose, which ends up being to travel the paths of her ancestors, only to return home 25 years later to give birth to her offspring while fighting every odd stacked against her along the way. Only 1 in 10,000 turtles survive this journey. Throughout the movie, I felt as though the turtles journey is similar to mine. It may sound weird, but so many things that happened in this movie made me feel so vulnerable and struck such a chord. It started with the fact that these babies are buried alive after they hatch out of their shell and it takes 3 days for them to dig themselves out of the sand. Yup. I know a little something about feeling like you are buried alive just like you, little turtle. The baby, who is the size of a small child’s hand, has to leave the beach for it’s new world of the dangerous ocean. Many of them do not make it due to being eaten by crabs, birds, or the oceans waves are just too tough for them. The Loggerhead turtle, has one of the most difficult and longest migratory patterns of any marine animal. It reminds me of a bereaved mother. After you lose a child, it is almost like you are born again and thrust out into this cruel, cruel world. You are expected to survive it by everyone, you are expected to do as others think they would do, but the truth of it is….. we are all different and will follow our own instincts to hopefully return to our place of peacefulness and our home once again, when we are ready to go there. Just like the loggerhead turtle.

It is a very long journey and the turtle has to continue to fight, without giving up. They are survivors. Just like a mom who has lost her child. A mom who is just trying her best, trying to pull herself out of bed everyday;  to do what is somewhat normal for her kids so they can have days like yesterday where one of them spends time with his very special Papa Jim, and catches his first Salmon. Where the other one, spends his day with his mama and all of her amazing “sisters.” I have not heard Quinn laugh so much since he was with Ronan, before he was sick. Do I feel weird being out and about, laughing away?Absolutely. But I am not really doing this for myself. I am doing it for my children. I want them to look back at this summer and remember being surrounded by the people who love them so much and to remember all the laughing and silly bonding time we had together. I want them to be able to see that even though I cry a lot, I can still laugh. Even though it is the saddest summer that we’ve ever had. I cannot let my children drown in their sadness like I want to. I will not have them secluded and take away any more of their childhood, any more of their innocence. They deserve to have as much normalcy as possible.

After 25 years, the Loggerhead turtle grows into a big strong turtle and is no longer afraid of the ocean. She develops a big, hard shell and very thick skin. If you have ever lost a child, this is a necessity for survival. Especially if you have decided to share your inner most thoughts and feelings though a blog for everyone to read. You really need a thick skin for that one. Luckily, I have always had thick skin so I’ve pretty much got that covered. The hard shell can be for my hard head, as I tend to be pretty stubborn, or so I’ve been told. My point being, that while watching this movie today, and seeing how many obstacles this little turtle had to overcome to survive, I was forced to think about my new life without you, Ro. It is so hard to go on, move forward, and not want to just give in and sink to the bottom of the ocean. This little turtle could have easily given up. So could I. But I keep telling myself I am a  survivor just like the turtle.

JUNE 11th……………….

Ronan. I did not finish the post above due to falling asleep. I have no idea what was written above as I don’t go back and re read the things I write. I hope it made sense. I think I remember something about a turtle…….. Everything is blurry. I don’t even know what has happened since I last wrote. Except I am still in miserable, extreme pain. My head hurts, my shoulders still hurt, my toes hurt, my heart hurts….. everything hurts. I think I managed to run 6 miles last night though. I think I have managed to get out of bed the past couple of days…. although not until at least 11. I think yesterday was the 2 month date of you being gone. I remember staying up really late the night before and crying with your daddy. I remember waking up the next morning and my head felt so heavy that I could not get out of bed. I remember talking to Mr. Sparkly Eyes and just crying in the phone and telling him how I couldn’t get out of bed, how I couldn’t believe it had been 2 months. He begged me over and over to get up and get out of bed. I told him I could not. I laid there for an hour after talking to him and I couldn’t get the sound of his voice, out of my head. If it wouldn’t have been for his words, ringing in my ear and not going away, I wouldn’t have gotten up. I made myself get up out of bed. I think we went to the beach with Auntie Karen, Liz, and Olivia. I surfed. Quinn fell asleep in the sun. Later in the evening, as we all sat there together as the sun was setting; dolphins appeared. They always do for me. Auntie Karen said it was you. It made me smile. Last night, I fell asleep really early. Well, really early for me. I remember cuddling up with Quinny and we fell asleep around 11.

Today, I didn’t get up until 11. Seems like if I don’t have a reason to get out of bed, I’m just not going to. Your daddy was up with Quinn, playing video games. I texted Liz and asked what they were doing. They said they were going to the Farmer’s Market in Hillcrest. Your daddy, Quinn and I met them there. We walked around and ate some food. I bought some humus. That and rice pudding seem to be the only thing I can keep down. Weird combo. After the Farmers Market, Auntie Karen took Quinn home with them. Your daddy and I needed some time together. We walked back to our car and held hands. It felt nice. We decided to go and see a movie. We saw, “Horrible Bosses.” We both agreed it was o.k. We had some laughs.

Lots of signs have happened the past few days. It seems as everywhere I go…. Coldplay is on the radio. I swear, I heard it 4 times in a row a couple of days ago. We always loved to listen to them together. Something else happened today. After the movie, your daddy and I walked into Nordstrom Rack as it was right by the theater. He went off to look at ties and I was looking at shorts. There was a lady right next to me and her little girl, who looked to be about 3, was playing right by me. She was hiding underneath the clothing racks which was one of your favorite things to do. I heard her mom call out her name. It caught my attention. I looked up and said, “What’s your daughter’s name?” as I was sure I had heard her wrong. She goes, “Ireland.” I just looked at her, stunned. I told her how your daddy and I had picked that name out about 9 years ago if we ever had a girl. I then had to walk off because I just started bawling. I walked around and found your daddy. A few minutes later, the little girl and mommy walked past us. I pointed her out and told him what had just happened. He seemed a little shocked too. The fact that the name is so uncommon, that this Ireland girl just happened to be in the same spot as me, the way her mom just happened to call out her name……..it kind of shook me to the core today. I can’t stop thinking about it. I wonder if it was your way of telling me that you are still here. That you are really watching over me. I think it must be. I can’t think of any other reason that would have happened today. It had to be you.

I talked to Fernanda tonight. It has been so long since I have heard her voice. She is still in Mexico. She picked up the phone and goes, “Buenas!” I squeaked, “Fernanda…. hi….” She goes, “Who is this??” I said, “Maya.” She goes, “Oh, Maya, Maya, Maya……I miss you so.” I started sobbing into the phone. I was overcome with how much I miss her and thoughts of you. We talked for a good half an hour. She has been having such a hard time, just trying to get back to her normal life. It will never exist for her again either. We talked about you. How this feels like a life sentence. How cruel it was to have you and then to have you taken away. How if she hears one more person tell her God needed another angel she is going to fucking lose it. Fuck that saying. It’s bullshit and the only people that say that, are people who have never lost a child of their own. We talked about what we are going to do once school starts up again. How she will help me find my way because nothing that I do, if not in honor of you, will make any sense. We both want to do something more with our lives than driving freaking carpool. We both feel the need to help other babies and families. I don’t know how we will do this yet, but I promise you, something will be done. She will be here on Friday. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around her. I hate being so far away from her.

Quinn is asleep next to me. We had a good night together. I talked to Liam and he will be back tomorrow night. I can’t wait to see him. We have missed him so much. I am so proud of him for going to Washington without us. He is so brave and independent. I know he has had the best time. It meant so much to Nana and Papa.

Ok my baby boy. I’m going to try to get some rest. I miss you so much. I love you, Ronan. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

And P.S. To all the people on my husband’s flight back to AZ tonight from San Diego….. you embarrass me. A family of 4 asked if anyone would switch seats with them so that the two parents could each be with one kid, so they wouldn’t have to be separated. NOBODY offered. Except Woody. My 6’6 husband gave up his aisle seat to sit in a middle for them. WTF is wrong with you people??? There should have been at least 10 people offering to give up their seats. Such little acts of kindness are things my husband has been doing his whole life. And he, the person who deserves it LEAST in this world, just had his son die of cancer. Fuck all you mean people. As my dear Charisma would say, “RUDE.” Miss you CC. Miss you Big Daddy Woo. Love you both.

Fiesta of Tears

Ronan. Hi little man. I missed you so much today. We had a lot of things going on that kept us busy at the beach. I packed the car full of your favorites; Quinny, Liam, Macy, and Nana. We ran a couple of errands and stopped at Costco on the way back home. It wasn’t very exciting, but it was nice to be out. We had to hurry back to get your brother, Liam, packed to go to Washington to see Papa Jim. It was kind of a last-minute decision, but he really wanted to go. I’m trying to look at this as a positive thing, but I am mostly just upset about it. I’m upset in the respect that if you would have been here, we would all be there together. I am upset in the respect that we have to be separated from Liam. It makes me most upset that our family is now broken, damaged, and so sad due to losing you. This is the first time in Liam and Quinn’s life that they have ever been away from each other on a vacation. It all feels weird and wrong. Thank GOD I still have Macy here as well as the Kotaliks. Quinn is getting a lot of time with the girls in and he is eating it up with a spoon. I talked to Liam and he arrived safely. He sounded so excited to be there. Papa Jim will bring him back Sunday night and the will stay a few days with us. That will be fun. I only wish you were here to play with all of us. For a split second, I thought that you would be and I imagined you playing outside with him. But then I remember. The fucking one thing I want not be true…………is.

I hate cancer. I texted that to Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Blubbering about how this is the first time in 14 years that I have not been home during the summer, how it is the twins’ first time being separated during a Washington vacation. How I hated cancer and how I was having a pity party. He replied back he does too and I am allowed to have as many pity parties as I need. He was so sorry. Everybody is sorry and sad. I hate that too. I hate the sadness that people now feel for us. I don’t want people to be sad around us. I want happy back before all of this existed.

Ro. I have to cut this short tonight as my Ambien is really kicking in. Also, that I have Macy and Quinn asleep beside me and they both seem so snuggly. I am tired. I miss you so much, boo. I hope you are safe. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Please give Esther a kiss for me. Her mommy needs her tomorrow as it has been 2 months since she passed away. Make sure she spends some time with her tomorrow, o.k. Ro. I love you to the moon and back my sweet baby. Time to go into my Ambien coma now. The numbness is the only way I can fall asleep.

xoxo

Ronan. Hi baby boy. I think I started this yesterday. Last night maybe. I can’t really remember. Everything is blurry. I’m not sure how the days have been filled, but somehow they have been. I think a majority of my time is being filled with keeping Quinn busy and happy. Macy is doing a great job of helping me while your daddy and Liam are away. She is here with me still. I am so glad; she makes everything better. Today, we woke up a little late to the blaring sun. We decided to take Quinn out to Carlsbad to go Strawberry picking. We go there every time we are in San Diego during the summer. We were on our way, almost there, but I had to stop for gas. I decided to get a car wash too so we just ran through a little drive through one. We were sitting there and I was telling Macy how you used to love to go to the cheap drive through car wash in Phoenix with me. I remember it like it was yesterday. I started to cry and so did she. Quinn just sat in the back quietly and watched us. Thank god we were distracted by a very minor “the car wash just ate the gas cap of my car emergency,” otherwise, I think we would have both sat there forever, crying. We took care of our situation and headed off to pick our Strawberries. It felt so wrong to be there without you today. I remember the last time we were there, with you. I snapped pictures of you and your brothers in the Strawberry fields together. Today, Quinn was an only child and I watched him as he wandered through the day without you and Liam. It made my heart heavy.

Quinny is stuck to me like glue. And not in a good way. Poor little guy. He cannot leave my side for 2 minutes. This has been going on pretty much since your funeral. It has gotten really bad over here though. I am doing my best to be patient with him as I know he is so scared. I am trying to talk to him about everything as much as possible, but I have mostly just been smothering him with love and attention that he seems to be craving so badly. He worries so much about everything… especially when I leave to go on my runs which is pretty much the only time that I am away from him. We have a lot of work to do when we return back home as far as getting us all into therapy. I am trying my best while we are here to work though things with him, but there is only so much I can do. Having Macy here for as long has she has been has been really helpful with everything. She is so good with me, the boys, with the Wooddawg. She is scared for us though. She told me last night about how hard it is for her to watch us all try to go on with our lives. How unfair this whole thing is and how she see’s the toll it is taking on our entire family. She is watching me struggle to breathe every second of the day. She is watching as I continue to push everyone away. She is watching as I continue to drown. I know what I look like. I know what it looks like from the outside because I often feel like I am watching myself from above my own body. I see myself, from above, all the time. I see myself under the water, trying to get to the surface for air, but I never do. I watch the bubbles reach the top, but never my body. I watch my eyes and I can tell you that I can see them crying the tears I cry, while I’m trying to get to the surface for air. It never happens. I see my eyes, and the bubbles and the dark, black ocean. I see Ronan. I think about this a lot during my runs when I am having a hard time breathing because I am running so fast. It makes me run faster. So does the thought of my “slayer,” attacking me. I daydream about that…. about the day that someone will come out and grab me on one of my runs and they will kill me, but not before I have the time to send Woody a text message saying how much I love him, Quinn and Liam, how they are all my soul mates but I have to go and be with my other soul mate now. Which is you, Ro. I daydream about the day I will be reunited with you all of the time and I go over all the different ways in which it could happen. I’m not scared of it. Even when I picture my eyes as I am drowning in a sea of black water…. my eyes are still vibrant green and they are happy; even though they are filled with tears. I’m not scared of death anymore. I watched you die right before my very eyes. I know when my time comes, it will be a beautiful thing and you will be waiting for me on the other side. I cannot wait for that day, until I see your little face again. To kiss your sweet lips and to hear your squeaky voice. I miss you so much.

After the Strawberry fields, we had nowhere special to be. We decided to drive down PCH and enjoy the scenery and sunshine. We opened the sunroof, blasted Pearl Jam, and watched the ocean come alive with surfers, people, birds, and sparkling sand. We stopped for lunch at a little Mexican food place as none of us had eaten today and Macy said she could not take being on the “Maya diet,” for one second longer. We sat and ate and started to talk about you. We talked about Dr. Kushner and have decided that the way he was with us, is just his personality. He cuts off all emotional ties when he knows the outcome is not going to be good. He has had to desensitize himself so he can do his job, the best way he knows how. Unfortunately, that means often making people feel more awful about their situation and leaving them feeling let down, helpless, and regretful. He is like a robot as I’m sure he decided a long time ago this is how he was going to be when he decided to become a Pediatric Oncologist. That still does not make it right and I will  have my sit down with him and he will look me in the eyes. I promised Ronan and myself. I will get this done. Sooner, rather than later. I want to go out there in the Fall. I’m not going to put this off.

I was telling Macy about your amazing hair color and how I was so sad she never knew you when you had hair. We started looking at pictures on my phone of you and the tears started again. At one point, I was so consumed by guilt for being in San Diego, at the beach, when there are so many sick kids with cancer right now. I felt like running right to the nearest hospital just so I could be in the presence of all of those amazing kids. I felt guilty that I wasn’t doing something for them, at that moment. A lot of the guilt came from knowing I was sitting there with Macy and Quinn, with the sunshine on our backs, the memories of you flooding in, and how many kids are trapped in hospitals and do not have the freedom that we do. I don’t like this freedom I have without you, Ronan. It gives me major anxiety and I will never be able to enjoy it again. I look at people around me, who have no clue, and they are just so happy. Happy at the beach, happy together as a family, happy because they all still live in their little bubble of a world. It makes me want to throw up. In fact, I did throw up tonight after we came home. Just driving through the town of Coronado is enough to do me in. I get so sick to my stomach that we are here and you just died almost 2 months ago. FUCK. July 9th is coming up soon. It will have been 2 months since you passed away. That is not going to be a fun day. Please watch over me on that day, Ronan. I know you do everyday, but especially on that day. I hope you were with Esther last night. I wish I would have dreamt of you two, together. My dreams are black and empty. Just like my heart.

After our fiesta of tears, we hopped back in the car and continued on our way. We ended up pulling over in Del Mar to enjoy the amazing beach. Quinn, Macy and I all held hands and ran to put our toes in the sand. It was such a gorgeous time of day and the beach was breathtaking. Quinn took off, alone, and went to find some rocks. He never does things alone and I could see the sadness on his face as he had to do all of this without you and Liam today. He soon came over and asked if I would help him. I said of course and off we went. We ended finding some really pretty rocks for his collection which he is so into right now. He was so proud of them. Macy and I could have eaten him up with a spoon today. He really is everything, kind, sweet, and full of nothing but love. As I was getting my purse out to pay for parking at the beach today, Quinn goes, “I have money in my wallet, mom. I can pay for it.” Cutest thing ever. He has saved up his money and has offered to pay for anything  and everything. I keep telling him no, to save his money, but I know how proud it would make him to buy a little something for me. I’ll let him leave the tip at a restaurant or buy me a coffee soon. What a gentleman. Some girl is going to be very lucky one of these days.

We finally got home around 7:30 and everyone seemed pretty tired. We put in “The Wedding Singer,” and watched it together. Now, Quinn is in the middle of Me and Mace. They are snuggled up together so sweetly. Macy is like the sister I never had; but I should have. I totally have that sisterly connection with her and it has always come so naturally to us. I swear I’ve know her in a past life as well. Maybe we were sisters then. There has to be something….. the way we met, and had an instant bond. The way Ronan loved her so much and we all know how picky he is about people. He took to Macy instantly too. He knew Macy in a past life too; I’m just sure of it. I feel like the new people I’ve really, truly, deeply connected to since all of this, are people that Ronan and I have both known before. I’ve got my list….. there are about 10 people on it. I will forever hold these people close to my heart as I consider them family now. It’s as if I have a whole new family, thanks to Ronan. Just another one of his little gifts he has left behind. You, my son, amaze me everyday.

Alright my little man. It’s late and Macy told me I needed to go to sleep early tonight. Early means 2 a.m. not 4 a.m. I’m going to snuggle up with them now. I wish you were here to snuggle with us. I miss you baby. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams my favorite blue eyed boy. I love you, Ro.

xoxo

  

Fucking First Father’s Day without you

Ronan. First Father’s Day without you done and over with. We survived. Somehow, I pushed on and got through the day. We slept in a bit, got up and all decided to get ready and head out to our new favorite breakfast place called Urban Solace. I gave your Daddy his Father’s Day card and gift. The hardest part was writing out his card after Liam and Quinn had signed it and I wrote my little I love you to him. I signed it from the both of us and bawled while I wrote your name after mine. I gave your Daddy his gift and card and we took some time to just hug each other and cry. There were a lot of tears this morning which was good, because I needed to get them out before I could go on with the rest of the day.

Kasey and Laura packed up all of their stuff so they could leave after breakfast and off we went. This place we have discovered in an area called North Park in San Diego is breakfast heaven. They do a thing called a “Blunch,” which is their version of breakfast and lunch. OMG. The food is heaven and even I, who can’t muster up much of an appetite, still managed to eat a pretty good breakfast this morning. The food is too good to pass up. It’s the place where I talked of before where they have sugar cubes on the table and I could picture you throwing them across the table at your brothers. You were missed today, my darling. Father’s Day was so incomplete without you. We managed to enjoy our breakfast and soaked up our final hour with the Lunds before they headed back to Palm Desert. We were sad to part ways and made a promise to not wait so long to see each other again. I miss them already and I told Laura the place here was much too quiet without them. The quietness that I hate now. I remember how I used to crave it in my previous life. Now the quiet that surrounds us is just pure torture.

After our “blunch,” we came back to our condo and I took a little nap with Quinny. After we woke up, we hung around here for a bit and then walked over to Mimi and Papa’s for dinner. We sat around with them for about an hour and then your Daddy decided he wanted Frozen Yogurt. I was itching to get my run in and Liam just wanted to stay with Mimi and Papa. Your Daddy and Quinn walked into town to get their yogurt fix and I headed out for my run. It was a fast 6 miles tonight. It’s my only little piece of heaven now. Running seems to be the only way I can get out all of my feelings, anger, sadness, and emotions. I think about you and make you push me to run faster and harder. It feels good to me which is saying a lot because as of now, nothing really feels good. Out of all of this I’m learning how important physical activity is to me. It has always been a big part of my life, but now it’s a little out of control. I had a time in my life where it was an obsession of mine and I can feel it starting to come back again. On the days that I don’t run or surf, I sit and obsess about it. It seems to be my only release. As I’ve said before, it’s such a different kind of pain that I feel all day everyday now. The pain of being physical and pushing myself is a vacation from the kind of pain that now controls my life.

After my run, I went and picked up Liam from Mimi and Papa’s. I said that we should go for a late night swim and hot tub. We grabbed your Daddy and Quinn and headed to the pool. It was some nice family time and a good way to end the night. You would have loved it. I missed you so much. I thought about how crazy you would have been down there with us and how I would have had to bundle you up after we were done and carry you up to our place, put on your cozy pajamas and then, I would have cuddled up to you in bed and watched you fall asleep. For something so simple, the thought of doing this with you sounds like the best thing in the world. I love you so much, Ronan. I’m going to end this with you tonight before I get too sad. I still worry about you like you were living among us. I worry about you as much as I worry about Liam and Quinn. I will worry about you for the rest of my life. G’nite my little man. Another Fucking First down. I think this is it for a while. Although, 4th of July is coming up. UGH. Forgot about that one. FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK. Fourth of July without you. This is getting ridiculous. I may have to be fully sedated for that day. Thank God I’ll have your Nana and New York Miss Macy here to help me though it. I love you to the moon and back, baby.

Dearest Daddy Woo, this is for you.

I’m sorry for your first Father’s Day without Ronan. I’m sorry that he is gone. I’m sorry that you hurt. But I am thankful too. Thankful for your strength, thankful for your heart, your undying love for us, thankful that you are such an amazing man that you are able to hold us all together. You are the most amazing man, attorney, father, husband, and the love of my life. I truly think you are the most amazing man that was put on this earth and everyday,  feel so lucky to wake  up beside you and so proud and honored to be your wife. Thank you for being the truest man alive, for being my equal in life, for loving me at my worst. Ronan was so lucky to have you as his Daddy and he loves you so much. I promise, someday, there will be less tears and more happiness. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You are such a good man; the last man that deserved to go through something like this. I am so proud of you, so thankful that at 21, I knew it was you I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve never doubted that and I never will. I love you, Woo. Thank you for being my everything and refusing to let me go even when I push and push and push. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life, as well as our beautiful boys. I love you.

Ending this tonight with something one of my new friends sent me all the way from the UK. Thanks Michelle.

xoxo

I lost my child today,
People came to weep
And cry as I just sat
And stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find
Words to say to try
And make the pain
Go away. I walked the
Floor in disbelief.
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went
Away. Some still call and
Some still stay. I wait to
Wake up from this dream.
This can’t be real, —
I want to scream.
Yet Everything is locked
Inside, god, help me
I want to cry.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year
Now people who had came,
Have gone. I sit and
Struggle all day long, to
Bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just
Question, why? Why does
This mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same
Old song. Good heavens,
It has been so long,
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on
For me. The numbness, it has
Disappeared, my eyes have
Now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
“She must move on and leave
This place”. Yet i am trapped.
Right here in time, the songs,
The same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child…..today.

This about sums it up. Whoever wrote this put this in to words, perfectly.

G’nite to all the lucky Father’s out there today. I hope you had a wonderful day basking in the glow of your beautiful children. Sweet dreams all.