Tag: Coronado Surfing Academy

Love is enough

Ronan. Hi baby. I miss you so much. Today was an o.k. day. I slept in with your brothers and we cuddled in bed for a long time this morning, just watching cartoons. It was a lazy morning, a quiet morning, a cuddly morning. I wish I could say that these mornings bring me peace, but they do not. They just make me miss you more. They just make me want you here so badly, where things were never quiet because you were always up to something.  I was always having to look after you because if I turned my back for a second, you would have done something crazy and silly. Now, without you, I don’t have to look over my shoulder at all times. I can go to the beach with Liam and Quinn and sit quietly without having to worry about them. They are big enough and independent enough that I can just let them be. I hate this so much. I don’t want to be the mom with nobody to look after at the beach. I don’t want to be the mom that doesn’t have to worry about you eating sand, throwing sand, running out too far in the ocean. I remember those days that I had to worry about all of those thing with you and I loved them so much. I miss them so much. I fucking hate this life without you.

Laura, Kasey, Cameron, and baby Chase all came over and we spent the day down at the beach. I sat quietly for a while and it was so peaceful that I couldn’t handle it. I soon got up and played football with your brothers. I drew a start and finish line in the sand and I raced them both a bunch of times. I watched them wrestle and throw sand at each other. I watched them be boys. Boys who are having to learn how to be brothers again without you. It is such a different dynamic now. I feel like a foreigner living in a different country trying to figure out this new life. How to fit in, how to adapt, and how to survive.

After our beach and pool time, we headed up to the condo to get showered and ready for dinner. I talked the Lunds into staying with us for a day or two. We love having them here and your daddy was so excited that they said yes as he was going to miss out on seeing them due to being in Phoenix. We could really use some Thompson/Lund family time now. We ended up grabbing pizza in town and bringing it back to our place to eat. Laura and Kasey offered to watch the boys so I could head out for a run which I gladly took them up on. I have a new little route I’ve found and I’m loving it. It’s a perfect 6 miles total. It felt good and I of course talked to you a lot. I cried a lot on my run too. I wish I could think of something other than the last few hours of your life, but as of now, it is those memories that consume me on my runs. I go over and over them in my head. I go over and over what we could have done differently. This always upsets me and it is always while running that these are the things I think about. I remember every second of your death, every detail, every moment. It is as if they are frozen in time and oddly, as sad as these memories make me… I treasure them too. I talked to you tonight after my run as I was cooling off. I yelled your name, I yelled up to the moon that I loved you. I then started to cry and begged for you to let me be with you. To take me with you as I don’t want to be here without you. I want to be with you, wherever you are, together forever. I don’t want this life without you. But unfortunately, this is not my choice to make. If you wanted me with you badly enough, you would find a way to take me with you. I will wait for you, for however long it takes for us to be reunited. I know it would make you too sad to have me not be here for your daddy and brothers, but honestly Ronan, some days all I want is to be gone with you.

Your daddy arrived tonight so I went to pick him up and Uncle Kasey went with me. We stopped by your Daddy’s favorite brewing company here to refill his “Growlers.” I don’t really know what they are, except they are two huge jugs and they fill them up with different beers. I knew your Daddy would be needing a beer tonight after his had few days at work. I was happy to see him and so was Kasey. The “Bromance,” between those two continues. We came back to our place where sleepy kids awaited us, but your daddy and Kasey wanted to hang out. Being the lovely wives that Laura and I are, we happily sent them on their way to some bar on the island. It’s some guy time that your daddy really needs right now and Kasey is the best medicine for him. I hope they stay out as late as possible, drink their selves silly, and your daddy is able to let go and enjoy himself for a few hours. He deserves it.

Last night, before I went to sleep he sent me the sweetest test message. He said, “I love you. You are strong, stubborn, witty, articulate, and sexy. Night night.” That daddy of yours made this mommy smile so big. I know you know how hard things have been for us. How in the world do two grieving parents get though this, stay married, while trying to raise a family? It’s got to be the most stressful thing on a marriage in the world. I don’t know what the secret to all of this is, but we are doing it. Even on the days where I want to run away and never come back because there is too much pain and sadness everywhere I look. Even on the days that I just want to disappear, and run away to Vietnam with Tricia….. I won’t. I can’t. I guess it’s simple. It’s because your daddy loves me and I love him. Love will be enough to get us through this. Love is enough.

I have to go to sleep now baby. It’s late. I’m tired and the Ambien is kicking in. Goodnight my sweet baby boy. I love you to the moon and back. Please be safe, please be happy, please don’t cry. I promise I will meet up with you again. I cannot wait for that day to come, but I will wait for you to take my hand and come and get me. I love you so much, my little seal.

xoxo

The start of many firsts without you. A.K.A. Fucking firsts. Thanks, S:)

Ronan. I’m tired tonight. I have not been sleeping well and I know it is because I am missing you so much. I don’t really know what it feels like to be depressed, but I think that’s what I’m feeling lately. I’m still going out, doing things, but my heart is so heavy that I sometimes feel like it is just gone. I don’t even feel like my heart lives inside of me anymore. It’s too heavy to carry around and I feel like when you left, you took my heart with you. I’m so sad. My tears are endless. My hurt is unbearable. I miss you every second of the day. Life is so strange without you here. We all feel it and we don’t know what to do with it.

Today, I took your little surfing brothers to camp. They both did really well but it was a cold day for them out there. I let them pack up a little early as they were excited to play with Laura and Kasey who came to see us today with Cameron and Chase. They arrived just in time to watch your brothers catch some waves. We spent the entire day and night with them. It is always so comforting to me to be with them as you know how much they mean to our family. It was a little hard today though too. Mainly because of all the time we spent with them with you. You and Cameron are so close and age and when the two of you were together, I used to dream of you growing up, being best friends, maybe dating :), but being together forever. Childhood friends for the rest of your life the way I grew up with Laura and pretty much Kasey too. I met Laura in the 8th grade. We became best friends. She met Kasey when she was 15 and they started dating. My two favorite high school sweethearts and our families blend so well together. Watching your daddy and Kasey together…. well, to me there is almost nothing better. Being with Laura, with all of you crazy kids, running about has always been one of my favorite things  about life.  To know that now that will never happen again with you, makes me so sad.

Tonight, Laura and I were sitting by the pool watching Cameron and Quinn play. Two summers ago, that was you…. “Baby Danger,” jumping off of the edge of the pool, scaring Laura to death all while I sat back and watched you and laughed. To sit tonight and watch Quinn swim quietly with Cameron, was so hard. I sat and cried and Laura just rubbed my back. I told her I just miss you and she asked if the days ever get easier. I told her no. So far, they have not. I told Mr. Sparky Eyes tonight that I don’t think time heals all wounds, if anything they just become deeper. I will be scarred for life after losing you. But I’ve got to figure out how to wear these scars with pride and dignity because that’s how you would have wanted it. I’m trying not to push myself too much as I need to let the dust settle because you left me such a short time ago. I want you back so badly, that I would trade having just one more day with you, for my life. Ronan. I miss you so much. I don’t know what else to write tonight as I am just too sad. I got a very sweet “Dear Ronan,” letter from Melissa that I am going to share with you. It is beautiful, just like she is. Thanks, M. You are so true and genuine which is why I love you so.

Dear Ronan,
I keep thinking back to Saturday, May 7th, two days before you died.  You were lying in bed, your legs were emaciated and your mamma kept rubbing them.  Ro, you were in so much pain. I thought your mamma’s hands would fall off, she never stopped rubbing your legs and little upper thighs. I laid for so long on that bed with your mamma and rubbed her back because I wanted to help her so much.  I offered to take over and rub your legs but you would only allow her to help you. She never stopped.  Your mamma went so long without eating or sleeping that last week you were alive that it was amazing she could function.  I kept buying her coconut water.  I think that was the extent of her nutrition.
I am 42,000 feet high in the sky tonight heading to Rhode Island.  
I am flying on ” A Big Jet Plane ”  Ronan, and I feel a little sad.  I am thinking about the amazing summer Dante and Alessia will experience and how you won’t live a life.  You had such a short time on earth. You were robbed of time.  As my Dante says, ” Ronan was dealt a shitty deck of cards, ” a little inappropriate for an eight year old to say but it is the truth. Your parents raced against the clock.  Time always wins Ronan, time is so unfair. Time has no respect for age, love, or hope. 
I do believe every one of us is on earth for a purpose.  I do believe your purpose is to be the beautiful poster child for awareness and funding for neuroblastoma. A horrific purpose for a family.
Do you want to talk about ignorance?  When your mamma told me you were diagnosed I had to go home and goggle it.  I placed a P where the B is located in that awful word. In August your mamma told me you had cancer, a perfect stranger at that time, and I decided I would be friends with Maya Thompson. Why not?
I brought her a coffee one day and realized immediately that I got so much more out of the visit then I ever thought possible and loved her personality and determination.  Remember how you would throw me out of your hospital room at times when I would visit?  You were so feisty!  I hated leaving your mamma but she did not mind because you were happy.
I was having horrific nightmares after you died.  It all started the day your mamma showed me your ashes while in your home one afternoon.  I told her they scared me and could not believe they were in the kitchen.  The worst nightmare was about your mamma and I in Frys Supermarket.  She was running around screaming, “where is Ronan ?” We looked and looked but we could not find you anywhere and there was a clock on the wall showing us we were out of time to find you.  I then ran all the way to the ocean and when I got to the shore I found a body floating dead in the water and it was Alessia.  I would then awake and my heart would be racing and pounding. 
The dream must have derived from your mamma’s horrific and tear jerking blog, “Where’s Ronan ?”  I read that blog too many times.  I couldn’t help it because I could not believe I watched you drink a coke on Saturday and demand those Star Wars guys be placed in good and bad categories on your bed, then visited Sunday night and then you were gone forever…………
Well, I no longer have that nightmare thank goodness.  I think it is because I finally realized where you are, right in your mammas heart and soul. 
I’m sorry the prayers did not work, I am sorry that time won and I am sorry that your parents had to go through hell to make others realize all the good in their lives.  So many people are better for knowing your sad story.
I am so lucky that Dante, Alessia, Liam and Quinn all go to school together.  We are all going to be friends forever.  We were at your house the day they left for California. I was so happy to see the boys excitement about the trip. I promised your mom she would never be “one of those moms.”   You know, the useless ones that talk a lot but never make a difference.  Mamma and I are going to keep drinking our extra hot vanilla lattes and do a whole bunch of good work.  Your mom has a team.  I have never seen one person have so many amazing friends.  I have always thought it was a blessing to have a few close friends…but not your mom…she has multiple teams of friends.  Maya Thompson reminds me of a tornado, a good one. 
I can’t wait to see what she does once she is a feeling a little bit better.
By the way, my phone still twerps like a bird.  I loved how it would make you giggle.  Your adorable giggle will remain in my heart forever.  
Thank you Ronan.  Thank you for all your life lessons and making me a better person. 
Love,
Melissa 
I’m going to end this post tonight now. I am going to try to get to sleep at a decent hour as I can feel my body shutting down due to the lack of sleep and overdoing things. Ronan. I love you to the moon and back baby. I hope you are safe. Please don’t go too far away from me. I still worry about you so much. G’nite my sweet boy.