Love is enough

Ronan. Hi baby. I miss you so much. Today was an o.k. day. I slept in with your brothers and we cuddled in bed for a long time this morning, just watching cartoons. It was a lazy morning, a quiet morning, a cuddly morning. I wish I could say that these mornings bring me peace, but they do not. They just make me miss you more. They just make me want you here so badly, where things were never quiet because you were always up to something.  I was always having to look after you because if I turned my back for a second, you would have done something crazy and silly. Now, without you, I don’t have to look over my shoulder at all times. I can go to the beach with Liam and Quinn and sit quietly without having to worry about them. They are big enough and independent enough that I can just let them be. I hate this so much. I don’t want to be the mom with nobody to look after at the beach. I don’t want to be the mom that doesn’t have to worry about you eating sand, throwing sand, running out too far in the ocean. I remember those days that I had to worry about all of those thing with you and I loved them so much. I miss them so much. I fucking hate this life without you.

Laura, Kasey, Cameron, and baby Chase all came over and we spent the day down at the beach. I sat quietly for a while and it was so peaceful that I couldn’t handle it. I soon got up and played football with your brothers. I drew a start and finish line in the sand and I raced them both a bunch of times. I watched them wrestle and throw sand at each other. I watched them be boys. Boys who are having to learn how to be brothers again without you. It is such a different dynamic now. I feel like a foreigner living in a different country trying to figure out this new life. How to fit in, how to adapt, and how to survive.

After our beach and pool time, we headed up to the condo to get showered and ready for dinner. I talked the Lunds into staying with us for a day or two. We love having them here and your daddy was so excited that they said yes as he was going to miss out on seeing them due to being in Phoenix. We could really use some Thompson/Lund family time now. We ended up grabbing pizza in town and bringing it back to our place to eat. Laura and Kasey offered to watch the boys so I could head out for a run which I gladly took them up on. I have a new little route I’ve found and I’m loving it. It’s a perfect 6 miles total. It felt good and I of course talked to you a lot. I cried a lot on my run too. I wish I could think of something other than the last few hours of your life, but as of now, it is those memories that consume me on my runs. I go over and over them in my head. I go over and over what we could have done differently. This always upsets me and it is always while running that these are the things I think about. I remember every second of your death, every detail, every moment. It is as if they are frozen in time and oddly, as sad as these memories make me… I treasure them too. I talked to you tonight after my run as I was cooling off. I yelled your name, I yelled up to the moon that I loved you. I then started to cry and begged for you to let me be with you. To take me with you as I don’t want to be here without you. I want to be with you, wherever you are, together forever. I don’t want this life without you. But unfortunately, this is not my choice to make. If you wanted me with you badly enough, you would find a way to take me with you. I will wait for you, for however long it takes for us to be reunited. I know it would make you too sad to have me not be here for your daddy and brothers, but honestly Ronan, some days all I want is to be gone with you.

Your daddy arrived tonight so I went to pick him up and Uncle Kasey went with me. We stopped by your Daddy’s favorite brewing company here to refill his “Growlers.” I don’t really know what they are, except they are two huge jugs and they fill them up with different beers. I knew your Daddy would be needing a beer tonight after his had few days at work. I was happy to see him and so was Kasey. The “Bromance,” between those two continues. We came back to our place where sleepy kids awaited us, but your daddy and Kasey wanted to hang out. Being the lovely wives that Laura and I are, we happily sent them on their way to some bar on the island. It’s some guy time that your daddy really needs right now and Kasey is the best medicine for him. I hope they stay out as late as possible, drink their selves silly, and your daddy is able to let go and enjoy himself for a few hours. He deserves it.

Last night, before I went to sleep he sent me the sweetest test message. He said, “I love you. You are strong, stubborn, witty, articulate, and sexy. Night night.” That daddy of yours made this mommy smile so big. I know you know how hard things have been for us. How in the world do two grieving parents get though this, stay married, while trying to raise a family? It’s got to be the most stressful thing on a marriage in the world. I don’t know what the secret to all of this is, but we are doing it. Even on the days where I want to run away and never come back because there is too much pain and sadness everywhere I look. Even on the days that I just want to disappear, and run away to Vietnam with Tricia….. I won’t. I can’t. I guess it’s simple. It’s because your daddy loves me and I love him. Love will be enough to get us through this. Love is enough.

I have to go to sleep now baby. It’s late. I’m tired and the Ambien is kicking in. Goodnight my sweet baby boy. I love you to the moon and back. Please be safe, please be happy, please don’t cry. I promise I will meet up with you again. I cannot wait for that day to come, but I will wait for you to take my hand and come and get me. I love you so much, my little seal.

xoxo

Ladies and Gentleman….. we have an ANC!

Finally! Ronan’s little immune system is coming back. It was only at 200 today, but it if finally making an appearance. I was starting to get really worried and frustrated. This can only mean good things to come… it means Ronan will more than likely be able to get out of this hospital soon and enjoy some freedom. They are not giving me a discharge date yet… but I am pushing for tomorrow. I have not heard what time his scans will be tomorrow and am waiting to speak with one of the doctors. I am trying not to get too nervous… but these scans have to show us good news so we can figure out what our next step is as far as Ronan’s treatment goes.

We have played non-stop today. It was a big arts and crafts day in our room. I went on a hunt and found us everything I could find to let us make a mess and have some fun in our room. We got messy with glue, paints, markers, stickers. We have been up and about a lot and I even got our nurse to unhook Ronan from his “asspole,” for about 20 minutes so we could run around crazy in the halls. He was so excited to be unhooked and kept telling me it was the best day ever. He is going to be so happy when we finally get out of here.

Liam, Quinn, and Woody are on a plane as we speak. They are landing around 8:00 tonight. It will be so nice to have them here and to all be together. The plan is for them to come to the hospital, sneak in a quick visit with Ronan, and I will take the boys back to the RMH and Woody will stay the night here. I am thinking this is a good idea as I have not been out of the hospital in 48 hours and I am starting the freak out a bit. I need fresh air, I need a shower, I need a full night of sleep. It will be good to spend some time with the twins too. It kills me how much I miss them.

I am waiting to talk to one of the doctors on the floor. I asked our nurse about the scans and she said that they had changed them until next week. 5.4.3.2.1- Remain calm. I told asked her to please get a doctor in here as we were not  told about these changes. I also explained to her that Woody was flying in tonight just so he could be here on scan week, which we were told would be tomorrow and Wednesday. After speaking with the on call doctor, she told me that “The Team,” met tonight and decided that they wanted Ronan’s counts to come up some more before doing the scans. Especially since they are doing a bone marrow test. They want his bone marrow to recover more before they go in and test it. I understand fully, but it still is frustrating. But it’s not in our hands so we once again will just have to roll with it. If his counts keep coming up we will do the scans at the end of the week. If not, next week will have to do. It will be fine either way. Woody and the boys are leaving on Sunday but Fernanda will be here Monday-Friday so she can be with me. So thankful for the amazing friends surrounding me and helping me through this. I can’t wait to see her and cannot believe she is leaving her 5 kids to be with me. The thought alone is enough to make me burst into tears. So.Very.Blessed.

Woody and the boys arrived safe and sound. They came directly to Sloan and Ronan and I sat in the lobby and waited for them in front of the elevators. He was so excited to see his brothers and Daddy. It was a quick reunion, as Liam and Quinn are not allowed on the floor. I grabbed my things, kissed Woo and Ro goodnight, and headed out for some much-needed fresh air and time with my favorite twins. We dropped our bags off at the RMH and then I took them to get something to eat. I was worried that Delizia’s was going to be closed, as it was already 11 p.m. I was happy to find out they stay open until 1 a.m. My kind of place. I sat with my two boys and listened as they chatted away. They had so much to say tonight and I was in heaven. I had my usual soup and they both chowed down on pizza. While we were in the middle of dinner, I had remembered that I forget to leave Woody saline solution for his contact lenses. I texted him to ask if he needed his things and he said he did and that he was hungry as well. I told him that I would bring him his things and pizza. The boys and I gathered up our things and went back down to Sloan to drop everything off to Woody and Ro. We had such a good time on our rainy and windy walk there. No complaints at all from my little men who were beyond tired; they were just happy to be with me. I so felt the love tonight. I love my Liam and Quinn so much. I miss them so much when I am away for so long. This is going to be a good week. Quinn was so excited talking all about New York Miss Macy coming into town. Liam goes, “Who’s Macy?” Quinn’s response was adorable. He goes, “You don’t know who Macy is?! I can’t believe you don’t know who Macy is. She’s one of mom’s funnest friends.” I was dying at his response. It’s like Macy is a celebrity in his eyes and everyone should know her. Beyond adorable. I can’t wait to spend some time with her this weekend with my boys. Wooddawg is excited too. Spirit Hoods will reunite!!

I’m all tapped out tonight and I’ve got Quinn in bed sound asleep beside me. Liam is in the bed next to us passed out as well. It’s pouring down rain here and that is my favorite thing in the world to fall asleep to. Hoping for some peaceful dreams tonight and to get a full nights sleep. We shall see. Sweetest dreams to you all. Have a beautiful day tomorrow. Love you. Go Ronan’s ANC!!!!

xoxo

24 crazy hospital nights! Somebody bust us out of here!

 

I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster of happy and sad today. Happiness came in the form of our dear friend and Tricia’s sister, Sarah, getting a nursing job at Mayo. Soooo proud of you Sar! It also came in the form of my beautiful cousin, Shannon, getting a full ride to USD. She is about to embark on the greatest journey of her young life. Happiness came in my Ronan and his beautiful spirits and smiles. Not even being cooped up in a hospital for over 3 weeks now can keep him down. Sadness came in many forms as well. Hearing about somebody from my home town having his sister murdered last night. I don’t know them well, but my heart still aches for them. Sadness is undeniable in the hospital. I gave my biggest smile to a teenaged girl who was walking the halls with her bald head and her newly amputated leg. She told me how cute Ronan was as she passed us on her crutches. I told her she was beautiful. Sadness also came in seeing my friend, Ellen today and the look on her face after her visit to Sloan this morning. Phoebe is still in a lot of pain and is going to have to have surgery on her leg again this Thursday. I’m sick to my stomach for them. It’s nothing too major, but my heart breaks for Phoebe who just wants to be a normal girl. My heart breaks for Ellen as a mama because I know what it’s like to see your child in pain and to feel so helpless. I am praying that this surgery will help to lessen Phoebe’s pain and she can just get on living her life already. She deserves a break.

I spent the entire day playing with Ronan. He has a lot of energy and this leaves me thinking that somebody is messing with us. How can his ANC still possibly be 0?? Ronan ran circles around me the entire day and was so happy. He is not the picture of a little boy who has 0 immunity. It’s beyond frustrating. Every morning at 4 a.m. they draw his CBC’s…. his blood counts. Every morning I wait for them to come in and tell me today is the day, his ANC is rising. No such luck yet. Every time they tell me they are at 0, my heart sinks. I will just keep hoping and praying that they come up this week. I want Ronan to be out of the hospital and to spend some time with Liam and Quinn. I want my baby to be able to go outside and breathe in the fresh air. I want him to have some kind of normal….. you know how I really feel???? I want to take him home. Home seems so far away. So far away that I cannot even picture getting to go back there anytime soon. I know we are in for the long haul here and I am fully capable of handling that. But when you have been stuck in the hospital for over 3 weeks now…. it makes the homesickness kick in extra hard. I don’t tell Ronan this though. I just keep putting on my bravest face for him and telling him we are working extra hard to get him better. He asks a lot of questions, like why we have to be at a hospital in New York. He wants to know why he can’t have his old doctors back and be in Phoenix. I just tell him because this New York is a magical city that is going to get him better. He usually just smiles and says he just wants Liam and Quinn here with him. It takes everything I have keep the smile on my face for him and to keep his mind occupied so we can focus on the happy things. I may be sad and sometimes I can’t hide it from Ro. But I try my hardest to control it if I can.

Ronan fell asleep not too long ago. I don’t think he’ll stay asleep for the entire night. If I know my little guy, he’ll wake up soon and be ready to play. Last night we didn’t fall asleep until 2 a.m. He kept telling me he wasn’t’ going to sleep because it was party time and he was too busy shaking his booty. He cracks me up like no other. Every morning we are bombarded by “The Team,” of doctors. It’s one doctor and about 10 residents. It is a little weird. It makes me feel like we are zoo animals on display. Ronan gets so pissed and overwhelmed by all the people staring at him, that he usually ends up screaming and hiding under his blanket. The doctor usually goes over what the plan is for the day and asks if I have any questions or concerns. Ronan won’t let the floor doctor (the one I wanted to kick in the balls) exam him. Good instincts, kid. He has become very fond of a girl resident though. After ” The Team,” leaves, she stays behind to exam him and talk to him. He actually answers her questions. She is young, pretty, and very gentle with Ronan. Today, when she was listening to his heart I looked at her and I said, “He really likes you.” I saw her eyes tear up and she goes, “I feel the same way.” She is going to be a very good doctor someday. Ronan already knows this too. It’s the reason that he is so receptive to her as she treats him like a normal little boy.

Ronan only slept for about an hour. He woke up and we were off for our next adventure. We spent a lot of time out of our room. We walked the halls for hours, played in the playroom and avoided the hot lava that was underneath our feet. As soon as we returned back to our room, a nurse came in to tell me that they wanted us to switch rooms. Our roommate had left earlier in the day and 2 girl patients were begin admitted and they needed the girls in the same room. I hesitated as we have already moved once and it was a total pain in the ass. I had to move all our stuff by myself while Ronan waited on the floor in the hall for me. I asked if I could see the room we were moving into first. The lady told me the number and I went to check it out. Good thing I did, because there was no way in hell I was moving into that room. It was the size of a shoebox, the boy and his parents had the heat turned up to about 90 degrees. FUCK THAT SHIT. I came back to our room, which is huge by the way, and told our nurse, Alex, that I didn’t mean to be a pain…. but there is no way I could move into that room without going crazy. I pleaded with her and told her we have been here for 24 days now… could she please she what she could do so we didn’t have to switch rooms. Alex came back a few minutes later and just said they would move the boy that was in that room, into our bigger room. Thank the lord. A tiny 90 degree room is something that would have totally thrown me over the edge. So no moving for us. We are staying put where we are.

It is 1 a.m. here and Ro is just now laying down to watch a movie. We are so excited for Woody and the boys’ to arrive tomorrow night. Cannot wait to see them and wrap my arms around them all. Being here alone is fine… it’s just hard because I am stuck in a hospital and cannot leave to go anywhere. Ronan wanted pizza from a place down the street today and thankfully, they delivered. He refuses to eat the hospital food so he has been living off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that I make him. The hospital food is actually pretty good… for hospital food. But there is something about the smell of it that ruins the appeal. Hospital food smells makes me gag. Ronan too. No clue where he gets that from 🙂

Time to get some shut eye. Maybe. Depending on if my little man says it’s time to go to sleep. He runs the roost around here for the most part. I’m o.k. with that. The more time I get to spend with him, the better. He is more mature than most grown adults and I’m happy to follow his lead. He’s going to be a great boyfriend to some lucky girl someday. A man that knows exactly what he wants. Kind of like his Daddy:)

I love you all so very much. G’nite to all of you lovely souls out there. Miss all of you back home so much. Kiss your babies and hug them extra tight for me tonight. Thank you for checking in with us. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Empire State of Mind

 

I just spent the last 48 hours with Quinn and it was blissful. We woke up yesterday and I asked him what he wanted to do, as we had the whole day to spend together. He chose to go to The Empire State Building so we got ready for our adventure of the day. We stopped by Sloan before  as we went to say hello to my childhood friend, Jennifer, who came by to donate her platelets to Ronan. It was so nice to see her and introduce her to Quinn. We stayed for a little over an hour until she was ready to get started. We then headed out and grabbed a Taxi. It was a super busy Saturday there, as expected, but Quinn did so well and waited patiently to get to the top of the building. Once we were at the top, he was a little scared to go outside. It is so high up…. even made me a little nervous. I coaxed him into going outside and it was absolutely breathtaking. We stayed for a good hour and enjoyed the sights. Once we were safely back on the ground we hailed a cab and went and walked about SoHo and had dinner together. It was a perfect day with a perfect little boy. I bought him a journal at the Paul Frank store and he was so excited. He sat at dinner and wrote all about our day. It was adorable. After we finished dinner, we headed back to the RMH and then to the hospital to see Woody and Ronan. They opened up the playroom for us again so we could all hang out together. We stayed for about an hour and then Quinn and I returned home while Woody stayed at the hospital another night. I am so thankful that he spent so much time with Ronan while I had some one on one time with Quinn. The break from the hospital was nice as well.

This afternoon Quinn and I went to Delizia’s for his pizza (surprise, surprise) We ordered some to go for Woody and Ronan so we could bring it to them and let Quinn see Ronan before he and Woody got on their plane to go back to Phoenix. We spent some time in the playroom together and soon it was time for Wood and Quinn to leave. I tried to not cry but it was impossible with seeing how sad Ronan was. His little lip quivered and he buried his head in his knees. We said our goodbyes and I walked back with Ronan to his room. I sat and held him and quietly explained how Quinn and Dad would be back soon. My words didn’t matter or stop his little tears from falling. I let him cry and told him it was o.k. to be sad but it was my job to make him feel better. After he settled down, I talked him into taking a sponge bath. I filled up a tub of water and he ended up putting all of his Star Wars guys in it to bathe them before he took his bath. This occupied him for a good hour. We spent all the afternoon doing silly things like that and he finally laid down to take a little rest. He seems to be feeling better but his ANC is still at 0. Boo.

While Ronan was napping, my phone rang with a number I did not know, but I picked it up anyway. So happy I did. It was my sweet Charisma calling all the way from Australia where she is working. I was so surprised to hear her voice and so happy she called. She hasn’t been able to read my blog in a few days and just wanted an update and to see how we were doing. I updated her on some things and vise versa. She asked what our plan was and I told her that as of now, it was impossible to have one. We will have more of a plan once the results of Ronan’s scans on the 13 and 14th of April, come back. We will then decide what direction to move forward with all of this. Until then, we will just sit and wait and take things day by day. We will make the best out of each day that we have and take all the positives that we can get. It was good to talk to my friend and I told her to try to get some work in NYC so she could come and visit us. I miss her dearly.

My mom is taking the Red-Eye out tonight and arrives at 6 a.m. EST. I told her to just go to the RMH, get some rest, and we would call her when we got up so she can head over to the hospital. We can’t wait to see her and it will be so nice to have her here and her help. Now, if we could just get out of this hospital. I think we’ve been here for almost 2 weeks now…. without counting our 24 hours of freedom we had. Praying for his ANC to come up, very, very, soon. This hospital life is getting old for everybody… especially my little man.

For everyone who has been asking where you can mail things to I will give you the address to the RMH. It is

405 East 73rd Street, New York, NY 10021

Just address it to Woody, Maya or Ronan Thompson. You all are the sweetest friends/little rockstar fans/family. Thank you for all the well wishes, cards, and surprises you have sent us. Brings many smiles to our faces. I hope you had a lovely weekend. I’m going to cuddle up with my little bug now and try to get some sleep with him. Love to you all!!

xoxo