I wish cancer got cancer and died

Ronan. Night is setting in. Another day gone without you here. It was as good of a day as I could have possibly made it. It’s just me here with your brothers. No breaks, no running, no time to sit in a corner and cry about missing you. The show must go on. We all slept in. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, even with my Ambien. My mind was racing with thoughts of you and I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. I felt as if I was going to have a full fledged panic attack right here in my bed. I stayed as calm as I possibly could and talked myself down from the ledge. I actually just started counting in my head. Counting until everything went black and I fell into my dreamless, medicated, state of sleep. I woke up to the sound of your brothers. I got up as soon as I heard them as I knew that this was not a day to hide in my bed because I am the adult here. I am the only one around to take care of them. I went straight into mommy mode. Late breakfast made, dishes and laundry done, had them do some work in their workbooks, packed up our beach bag and headed outside with them. We played football for about an hour in the sand. I broke up the fights and arguing over plays. At one point, Liam told me I cheated at the game. I laughed at this and told him it was impossible to cheat at a game you were playing, when you didn’t know the rules. All this football talk had my head spinning and I was penalized for a play that I had no idea about. I was a good sport, but geez! That brother of yours, Liam, is a competitive little kid. He was so serious about the game. Quinn did his usual laughing at everything and Liam ended up tackling him to the ground and proceeded to throw sand in his face. That was the end of the football game.

Quinn wanted to swim in the pool but Liam did not. I took Quinn up to swim as I watched Liam from the pool, digging in the sand all by himself. It made me sad. He didn’t stay at the beach long and soon came to join us at the pool. I swam and played Marco Polo with them, I let them both get on my shoulders as we splashed around in the water. I got out after a while to warm up. That’s when I saw him. The little boy who looked like a carbon copy of you, except with dark hair. He had your same piercing blue eyes and delicate features. He was in the little pool, that you swam in just 2 years ago and he was about your same age then. I almost threw up as I watched him do the same things you did in that pool. He jumped off the edge, into the water, completely fearless just as you were. He threw a toy my way and I bent down to get it for him as the Nanny apologized in Spanish. The dad sat on the sidelines, working away on his laptop. I started to cry and it took everything I had not to walk up to that dad and ask him to please just open his eyes and to play with his little boy. Not out of judgement, but out of the sheer innocence and beauty of watching his baby boy play so carefree and innocently. It was such a painful gift for me to see today. I swore as if I was staring at you. This was me, 2 years ago, in that pool, playing with you. I sat there and watched the little boy for a good 15 minutes and then decided that I couldn’t take anymore. I gathered up your brothers and we headed upstairs to the condo. I took a shower, told them to get dressed so we could go out to dinner. They didn’t want to go, but I had to get off of this island for a bit.

We ended up at a pizza restaurant and Quinn said he had remembered being there with you last year. He was right. His memory amazes me. I sat with your brothers and we talked about a lot of things. About life, about you, about the importance of things. I asked them what the most important things in life to them are. They both said you. I said yes, they were right. I also told them about the importance of helping others and the importance of always taking care of each other. I told them how lucky they were to have one another. It was a nice dinner with them.

After dinner, I took them to Target to spend their money that they have saved up from their birthday. We decided to get some movies to watch tonight. As we were leaving Target, your brothers were smiling and so full of giggles. They both told me thank you and Liam stood up on his tippy toes to give me a kiss on the lips. I was instantly taken aback by the happiness I saw in his eyes. He has missed me. I have missed him. I tried to let myself get caught up in the moment but I just couldn’t let go of the pain. I’m constantly fighting with the pain that refuses to leave my side, even with the beautiful Target moment that happened tonight.

Once we got back home, we popped in a movie. “Little Fockers.” All 3 of us thought it was funny and you know what a sucker I am for that Robert De Niro guy. I told your brothers all about him and how they could watch one of my favorite movies, “Casino,” when they turned 15. They wanted to know what they couldn’t watch it now. I told them because it wasn’t appropriate for their little eyes or ears. They have plenty of time to learn about the amazingness of Robert De Niro. All in due time, my little one.

All is quiet here except for the screaming inside of my head. Everything I did today took so much energy and effort on my part. Trying to nurture two little boys, when you have absolutely nothing to give, is hard. I mean really hard. I gave it my all today. I gave them everything I had which seemed to be more than enough. I made sure they both had a good day and put myself on hold. I don’t have a choice right now. For this week, while your daddy is gone and I am alone with the boys, I have to put myself on hold. I cannot stay in bed all day, I cannot scream, cry, or break dishes. Thank god that I am a calm person by nature. I never knew how much that would really pay off for me in life. It certainly has now. If I didn’t have my calmness, I would be totally screwed. Speaking of calm and screwed.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCK YOU,CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah. I’ve kind of been holding that in all day. I haven’t be able to run in a couple of days so that needed to come out. It almost made me feel better, but not really. I’m still on this Neuroblastoma website that is kind of like a support group for parents. I get emailed with things during the day as the questions go to everyone who is in the group. Sometimes parents are  asking for advice on treatments, hospitals, doctors, sometimes new children are asking to be prayed for, sometimes prayers are asked for kids like you, Ro, when you were close to death. I cannot seem to unsubscribe to this server list and as much as I’ve tried not to…. I may be borderline obsessed with it. When I see a kid on there, same as you, Stage 4, I’ll go over all the details and protocols that they are doing than I’ll usually end up screaming at your daddy, “Why didn’t we do this?” I know this is not healthy, but I’m like a freaking crack addict except my drug of choice is Neuroblastoma. A mom called me from this list and has asked me advice for her son, who I sat across from at Sloan. Her little boy, Jaxon is not doing well. I told her to get contact Dr. Gisele Sholler to get him started on the Nifurtimox trial asap. His disease is progressing rapidly and he is having a hard time walking. Sounds so much like you. She also asked me about the radiation to help his pain. I told her to start that ASAP. We have all learned that time is the last thing on your fucking side with this disease. I also told her about Dr. Mosse at Chop. Because she is a GODDESS and Neuroblastoma should be scared to death of that woman. I have a feeling about her and the way she is going to revolutionize the treatment for this disease. I hope that woman gets everything and more in her life that she has ever wanted. I know you will be watching out for her, Ro. I’ll never forget the look in her eyes when she had to tell us you couldn’t do the treatment because your MIBG activity was too active and because of how full your bone marrow was again. She locked eyes with mine and wouldn’t let go all while having to deliver the most awful news. I’ll never forget anything about that day. The rain that started for a few minutes after she told us. Daddy’s tears. Me, who could do nothing. I couldn’t cry because Daddy was crying and I had to hold it together for him. It was only later, after I left the room to talk to Dr. Mosse about some other questions that I had that I allowed myself to cry a little. FUCK. That quality of life word kept coming up. What the fuck does that even mean?? I had just gotten so used to all the cancer lingo and now this new word was being thrown in my face over and over again. It seemed like a nice little term, all wrapped up in a pretty package, and then you go to unwrap the bow, and “POP!!” That big “quality of life,” word is basically a nice way of saying “You’re FUCKED.” Well, that’s my interpretation of it at least. I’m not here to sugar coat anything, people. I’m not here to tippy toe around the fact that everyone knew we were fucked, but you know you can’t give up on that whole “HOPE,” thing. Even I couldn’t give up on it until that Mother’s Day when I knew your little body was failing you, Ro. It was too late to get you to San Diego. Our time had run out. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. I am so sorry. You know I would have taken you to Switzerland if I could have. We would have taken you anywhere. But your little body couldn’t take it anymore. I know your soul wanted to fight on, but we had to listen and respect what your body wanted us to do. And it was tired. And you were tired. And it was time for you to just go to sleep; just like I asked.

I don’t remember how I even got started rambling on and on about the above things. I’m waiting for the day that all of you lovelies just up and disappear because 1) You’re going to get tired of hearing me talk about the same things over and over 2) because you just want to go on with your happy lives or 3) because this story is just too sad and dark, or I use too many swear words. If number 3) applies to you, then peace the fuck out. Somebody sent me a super rude email a few days ago. I’m going have to start a file for “The Haters.” It said things like…..” You are embarrassing yourself and your friends aren’t telling you the truth. You need to stop writing and write in a journal, because everyone I know has stopped reading what you are writing. And the people who are reading, are not moms. It is a joke that they are telling you how amazing you are.” I took the time to tell her, obviously she didn’t know any of my true friends, because that was bullshit and to also tell her that I’m glad she stopped reading this as well as her friends because this was not the right blog for them. They need to go seek out a blog about Unicorns, Butterfly’s, and Puppies. Then go blow it out their asses. You don’t like this reality? You don’t like these swear words? You don’t like my truth? The truth that anyone in my situation would be thinking in their heads, but are too scared to put it out there. Ohhhhh…. my bad. I’m so sorry to have offended you with all this reality. A reality, sometimes a death sentence that is handed out every year in the form of 12,500 babies, toddler, kids, teenagers. Yes, Yes, I agree. Let’s choose to ignore this and go back on living inside of our little bubble. I totally get what kind of people you are and I want NOTHING to do with you.

Through all of my pain, sadness, ranting, raving, anger, and swear words, will come something beautiful… I promise. Right now, I am thinking about the Butterfly Life Cycle. I feel as if now, I am in my little egg. In hideout… but plotting a plan. I will soon move into the Catepillar stage…. becoming somebody stronger and new….. I will then go into the Pupa Stage, where I will build my protective shield and completely transform. I will then burst with color while becoming the beautiful butterfly that I know exists inside of me. This beautiful butterfly will revile herself when the time is right and the perfect plan is in place to do some major ass kicking to cancers ass. This beautiful butterfly will still say the word, “FUCK,” when she feels like it though. Deal with it or go away. You have no idea how hard it is to go though what we are going through, even as you read this blog and think you do. If you don’t like what I’m writing, stop being offended and stop reading. Then go volunteer at a hospital in the Oncology Unit for a month and I will be waiting with open arms as you run back and tell me how sorry you are. Or go volunteer and feel nothing. No judgement there at all. But my arms will no longer be open to you. Go home and live your little sheltered life and forget about these beautiful children who have cancer or have died from it. Forget about Ronan. I dare you .

Also, the reason I don’t write in a journal and I choose to share all of this with all of you 1,248million and something people….. I started this as a way to keep everyone updated on Ronan. It started off that way for a while, but then this force kind of came in and took over. This blog pretty much took on a life of its own and being honest and open about everything felt good to me. It was therapeutic and I feel like I have such beautiful story to tell with Ronan; for as ugly as it may be…. just writing out his name for you all to read is beautiful enough to me. I want you to feel my pain, his pain, I want you to be inspired, sad, mad, offended, thankful, scared, educated,….. I want you to live this through me because I know Ronan will make you all better people, better moms, more appreciative, he will teach you the true meaning of life. If, you want his lessons that is. Free will here. Nobody is forcing anything. My ultimate goal is to have you all on our side when we raise awareness for Ronan and Neuroblastoma. Anyway you can help, whatever little thing you can do, even if it just means wearing his bracelet, commenting on my blog, or spreading his story around. That is such a beautiful gift to me. The power of people can be very persuasive. I believe we can make something amazing come from Ronan’s death, make him so proud and celebrate the way we did after we finished “Round 5,” of his chemo. It was just the two of us at home, celebrating. He ran out to the garage to the refrigerator where we keep our Gatorade, sodas, and beers. He came running back in, so excited with 2 cold Coors Lights in his hands. He goes, “Here mama!” “Cheers!” I was so shocked but it was so innocent and cute and he was so excited. I took those 2 Coors Lights in the middle of the day and opened them for us. We both took a couple of sips and then went on with our Star Wars Game. I’ll never forget that day. He seriously was so much older than 3. That boy always loved his beer. So much that Woody would have to hide it from him. Little devil.

I know Ronan. I know you were here for such a short time to teach me some things. Because I have learned so much in such a short amount of time from you. I’m just getting started. I can’t wait to see what journey you have planned out now for me. It is all in your hands. Everything that happens from here on out is due to you. You loved me too much to just walk away, to just leave me behind. We were one. We are one. I’ll follow you into the dark. I’ll follow you to China if that’s where we need to go. I’d much prefer Thailand though….. can you throw me some signs to get me there:) Let’s do this baby boy. Together forever. Your little body was just a shell, it was the most beautiful shell that ever lived on this earth but you know what is even more amazing? The soul that lives outside of that shell. So light, so free, so happy because you get to take care of all of us. You always wanted to be the boss and we pretty much let you. I promise to make you proud, Ronan. I know you would have not been offended by my potty mouth. Words are words. If anything we should turn the world CANCER into a swear word. That is the most offensive word that exists.

OK BABY. This may have turned into a little crazy night for you with all my blabbing about this and that. And no wonder they say you should never operate a car on this Ambien shit! You should not even be allowed to write on a blog on it! Whatever. Power to the Peeps of The Rockstar Ronan Fan Club. Whomever chooses to stick about, they are your truest fans. I’m not going to stop fighting until some drastic improvements come about and someday a cure is found. This is my promise to you RO. For you and all the other kids fighting for their lives. After this summer, it’s time to get our plan in place. Soccer mom by day. Maya’s Mafia by night.

I love you, Ro. My little “not spicy,” monkey blue eyed  brad pitt baby boy who would melt you with one of his infamous winks. Sweet dreams angel. I hope you are safe. You are forever loved.

  • Childhood cancers are the #1 disease killer of children – more than asthma, cystic fibrosis, diabetes, and pediatric AIDS combined.
  • Childhood cancer is not a single disease, but rather many different types that fall into 12 major categories. Common adult cancers are extremely rare in children, yet many cancers are almost exclusively found in children.
  • Childhood Cancers are cancers that primarily affect children, teens, and young adults. When cancer strikes children and young adults it affects them differently than it would an adult.
  • Attempts to detect childhood cancers at an earlier stage, when the disease would react more favorably to treatment, have largely failed. Young patients often have a more advanced stage of cancer when first diagnosed. (Approximately 20% of adults with cancer show evidence the disease has spread, yet almost 80% of children show that the cancer has spread to distant sites at the time of diagnosis).
  • Cancer in childhood occurs regularly, randomly, and spares no ethnic group, socioeconomic class, or geographic region.
  • The cause of most childhood cancers are unknown and at present, cannot be prevented. (Most adult cancers result from lifestyle factors such as smoking, diet, occupation, and other exposure to cancer-causing agents).
  • One in every 330 Americans will develop cancer by the age of 20. On the average, 12,500 children and adolescents in the U.S. are diagnosed with cancer each year.
  • On the average, 1 in every 4 elementary school has a child with cancer. The average high school has two students who are a current or former cancer patient. In the U.S., about 46 children and adolescents are diagnosed with cancer every weekday.
  • While the cancer death rate has dropped more dramatically for children than for any other age group, 2,300 children and teenagers will die each year from cancer.
  • Childhood leukemia (making up the largest group of childhood cancers) was once a certain death sentence, but now can be cured almost 80% of the time.
  • Today, up to 75% of the children with cancer can be cured, yet, some forms of childhood cancers have proven so resistant to treatment that, in spite of research, a cure is illusive.
  • Several childhood cancers continue to have a very poor prognosis, including: brain stem tumors, metastatic sarcomas, relapsed acute lymphoblastic leukemia, and relapsed non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.

144 responses to “I wish cancer got cancer and died”

  1. Maya- Your blog is REAL. It is uplifting, sad, touching, scary, ballsy, hilarious, and unbelievably beautiful all at the same time. You write what you think and feel and don’t sugar coat. I appreciate it. Even if your blog got boring (but with your writing style and personality I highly doubt it would) I would not stop reading. You have already made more of a difference than you think in raising awareness. I for one will never think of childhood cancer the same way. And I can assure you I will never forget about Ronan and his story. And forget the haters, they are sad pathetic people that get off on hurting others. Don’t listen to their judgements and suggestions, because frankly they arent in your shoes and have NO F’ING IDEA what they are talking about. And by the way, I really do think that you are amazing. Sending you some good vibes and love from New Mexico.- Christina

    1. Maya,

      Is there any chance you’ll share the Neuroblastoma support website? My sister, my family – we could really use some support ourselves right now.

  2. Just want u to know that I haven’t left u, I read everyday… usually around 2am, I never take Ro’s bracelet off, I talk to him all the time, I plan on becomming a nurse in pediatric oncology, and whoever sent you that shitty email is about as ridiculous as pajama jeans!!! Hate on haters!!!!!!!

  3. Maya,

    I’ve been reading from the start. I’m a mom! My mom passed of cancer. So your “hater” email is wrong! Fuck cancer!!!!Cancer sucks!!!! That’s why I wear Rockstar Ronans bracelet proudly! No child should suffer to this horrible disease. No mother should go through what you are going through.

    My heart aches for you and your beautiful blue eyed Rockstar Ro!

    Baby steps mama bear!
    Peace and strength

  4. I don’t understand why any person would ever in a million years email you an email like that, but I am a Mom of 4 boys, and you and Ronan remind me that every single day that we have together is a blessing! And for that I could never thank you enough! I think about and pray for your family continuously throughout each and every day.

  5. I am a mommy and I love your blog and I love your sincerity and braveness. That person who wrote you that stupid email and her friends can go “f” themselves. I just simply cannot understand why they think they can tell you what to do or why do they think they have the right to judge you…argggghhh!!!!! You are not forcing anybody to read your blog… Again, this is YOUR blog, YOUR life, YOUR feelings, YOUR pain that you have graciously share with us who freely CHOOSE to follow your journey.

  6. Maya, YOU ARE AMAZING! and I am STILL reading your blog, will buy the book, AND see the movie 🙂 Like I said before, you & Ronan have changed EVERYTHING, every aspect about how I look at life, what matters, what doesn’t…..haterade is still a popular drink, I guess. Ever thought of opening up the blog to advertisers to make money for Ro Foundation? just a thought……wishing peace to you and more good days than bad.
    xoxo Amy

  7. Maya you absolutely amaze me!! You are such a strong woman and GREAT mom!! I wake up early each morn and before I look at anything else I always check your blog!! Keep up your writting and being honest with your feelings!! I have always been thankful for my kids but now I know things can change so I always hold them a little tighter and thank God for every blessing he gives us.

  8. Marian Cutler Avatar
    Marian Cutler

    Hi Maya

    I’m in. Potty mouth, dark spaces and punishing runs. I’m in for the journey and better for the pain.

    Keep rockin’ it.


  9. I read your blog. I am a mother of three boys ( well 20,18 and 10) and I love your potty mouth! I love the fact that you can still mother your other children… Because I am not sure I could have…I love the fact that you are angry.. Because you should be… When you loose someone everyone says they are sorry and their life goes on…. But real grief isn’t smiles and politeness… Its wanting people to feel your pain..and I feel your pain, anger, helplessness, sorrow, determination, and hope… I hope you keep writing how you feel and what you feel… Someday it will help other mothers get through their day… And I hope if you get anymore idiotic emails- it just makes you spicier! And I hope someday you can stop going over everything you think you did wrong… Because we both know you did everything you thought you were suppose to…I am somewhat curious as to what would make someone write such an email to a grieving mother.. But apparently she has issues that can not be helped.. Some people are just born without empathy and most of them seem to find a lot of time on their hands that they spend telling others how to live their lives online! How lucky for the rest of us? Keep bloggin potty mouth!! 😉

  10. I am a mom…I read your blog daily…sometimes with tears and sometimes with a smile…

    I first learned of Ronan through Nikki H. and fell in love with his eyes. I will continue to read your blog as long as you make it available for others to read. I have two children myself, my daughter is 12 and my son is 10. My son has ADHD and we struggle daily trying to figure out what crazy stunt he is going to pull next. Since I began reading your blog, I have started asking myself what is more important, yelling at my son to make him do the right thing, clean up his mess or just to be the boy that he is. My house has began to be a little more calm without me yelling all the time. I cherish everyday with my kids as I know what a precious gift I was given.

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you can no longer hug Ronan and feel him hug you back. I am not sorry though that you are going to do great things in his name.

    Quinn and Liam are very lucky to have you as a mom. They are also very lucky that Dad had to go home this week. I know you might not think so, but being by yourself with those boys is probably the best medicine for you. You will never lose sight of Ronan, and sharing your pain with Quinn and Liam is the best thing you can do. They need to know that their mommy loves them just as much as she loved Ronan and will do anything for them too!

    Through Nikki we have been connected, but also my sister is basically lives at PCH. She has spent months at PCH with colitis. They can’t figure out how to fix her. She lives with a bag and is always in constant pain. My mom is a fighter as you are.

    I want to say Thank you for sharing your story and for letting a stranger in to better her own life and to really cherish what she has! I wish I was there in person to give you a hug and let you fall apart in my arms. ♥

  11. Maya,
    You. Are. Amazing.

  12. Your writing is amazing and you are amazing! Fight on for that beautiful baby of yours….keeping his memory alive is the biggest gift you can give Liam & Quinn! I’m so glad you have continued to write…you help put all things into perspective. Hang in there girl….even In your darkest hours, I hope the fact that you have so many people pulling for you, gives you alittle comfort! xo

  13. Fuck that. I am a Mom and I am reading and will continue to read as long as you continue to write. You are not embarrassing yourself. I want to say you are grieving or you are healing by doing this. But those two words suck because I wish you didn’t have to do either of them. Where is the damn rewind button?!!?

  14. Starlene DeBord Avatar
    Starlene DeBord


    I am a regular reader of your blog! I have left comments but not everyday! It just kills me when you receive these negitive comments from heartless readers! This is your venting (so to speak) outlet! I am almost positive it is very helpful to those parents that are going through this awful journey with their own child! I know it must be hard for them to soak it all up knowing the outcome! But at least they will gain an insight of options and what is to come from someone who has been through it all! I think you are a very amazing person in every sense! I f people are offended by the way you speak OH WELL!!! I’m sure they have used these words several times themselves!!! For crying out loud they are only words! They are your TRUE feelings and if these people are offended they should be ASHAMED of themselves! WHat in the world do they want you to do?!?!?!? Make everything seem like it’s perfect and just another day in paradise! This is YOUR LIFE, YOUR FEELINGS! I think it is awesome that you have this site to be able to write on! AAnd the fact that you update on a daily basis is also great! What do people want you to do just hold everything in and pretend like this just didn’t happen….yea that sounds like the right and healthy thing to do!(NOT)! This UNFOURTUNATLY is a part of this lovely thing called LIFE! Which isn’t always FAIR and full of Grins and Giggles! Maybe just maybe if they could only imagine…not even imagine expierence something sooo horrible they could just maybe understand a weee bit of what you are going through! I wish there was something I could do to help you make all of the pain go away! Unfortunatly I know that is just not possible! I am sooo sorry for your heartache!!! Just keep doing what you are doing!! I hope you all a Beautiful day! 🙂

    Starlene DeBord

  15. Maya…Im a mom and I read your blog. Whoever wrote you that needs to eat shit. I cant beleive people have the nerve to talk smack to you. Why dont they just stop reading. Unbeleivable.
    Im a new mother Maya. My baby boy is almost 4 months old. I would like for you to know that because of your heart wrenching story….I am a better mother to my son. I appreciate him more every day. Thank you for your words and for keeping me on my toes as a mommy.
    And I hope Ronan comes to you in your dreams every night….!

  16. Thank you Maya! Thank you for your honesty and truth. Thank you for sharing Ro with us. He has and does change my life daily. PLEASE don’t stop writing, PLEASE keep your truths coming, PLEASE do what you have to do to be ready to KILL cancer. You are right, CANCER is the “bad” word here…..Much LOVE to you, ROCK ON RONAN!!

  17. Love you Mama Maya!!!! Keep writing, and
    we’ll keep fighting!!! Love to Liam and Quinn.

  18. Hi, I have been silently reading your blog for a while. I am in awe of your strength, courage, love and wit. In response to the “haters”, I am a mom to an almost 4 year old boy with another one on the way soon. You and Ronan have inspired me to be a better person, better wife, better mother… Instead of sweating the small stuff like sticky surfaces, tripping over dinosaurs, lost sneakers, balancing family and work and all the many other things that cause us all to lose our patience, I find myself thinking of you and your family and taking time to finger paint. Please keep writing because your words are helping so many of us remember what is important. Also, please know that your amazing angel baby’s life has affected people in so many ways.
    Xo Beth from NYC

  19. Picturing your Ronan bringing the Coors Light to celebrate – brings a huge smile to my face. 🙂

    Just ignore the haters – I can not imagine why anyone would feel the need to make even one negative comment or send you a nasty email in light of what you are going through. They have no right. They need to find something better to do with their time.

    We are all here to support you Maya – we aren’t going anywhere!

    FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!!!

    Toni Collins

  20. Maya,

    We are fixers of skinned knees, drivers to little league games, chefs of eggs and pancakes, instructors to little swimmers, tutors of homework, reminders of restaurant manners, readers of bedtime stories, huggers of tiny shoulders, kissers of soft lips…we are moms. And we support you always. Because you are one of us and we are one of you. And because we think of Ronan every day.
    Because it is Ronan in our heads when we play in the pool instead of reading a book. It is Ronan in our heads when we laugh instead of yelling when somebody dumps a cereal box. And it was Ronan in my heart last night when I turned around to give my three year old boy one more kiss in his bed when he asked for it even though I knew he was simply stalling lights out. As I pressed my lips to his and I saw my son smiling back at me, my heart whispered, “Thank you, Ronan.”

    …and thank you, Maya.

    1. Beautiful …

  21. Maya, I read this blog every day, and every day you and Ronan make me a more grateful person, and a better mom (and a bigger fan of yours). Of course you must know already, but that person that wrote that awful thing is nuts. I follow this now as much as I ever did, because I have this hope that I can help you by grieving with you, and pulling for you, and remembering Ronan’s excellent spirit. And also because I can’t help it, he is a one of kind soul who will always be with me, and I suspect everyone who has read your blog. So, for what its worth, try not to worry about the kooks, they are just that.

  22. Maya,
    I want you to know that I am NEVER going to stop reading your blog. You and Ronan have changed my life in so many wonderful ways. I hope that you never stop speaking your truth in the honest, raw, and heartfelt way that you do. I have one thing that I would like to say to cancer….

    Dear cancer,
    You better start fucking watching your back. I want you to know that you messed with wrong mama. Maya Thompson and her team of Rockstar fans are coming to kill you. And I will promise you one thing….. She won’t stop hunting you until you are dead. One more thing… FUCK YOU!!!!


  23. I will be a member of the Rockstar Ronan Fan Club for the rest of my life! I am a mom and think that you are an absolutely amazing mom. The woman who sent you that nasty email should just quit reading your blog and go live in her bubble. I want to be a part of the movement to end childhood cancer and your blog is such a wonderful way for people to understand what a grieving mother is going through in such a raw way. Keep writing, Maya! I will keep reading everyday for as long as you are willing to post. Much love to you and your beautiful family.

  24. I am not offended by your language. Please feel free to let it all out. Like many have said before, you make me a better mom to my 2 boys. I ran the Seattle Rock n Roll 1/2 Marathon this weekend and thought of Ronan. The run was benefiting the American Cancer Society and I saw many shirts saying “I run in honor of someone.” I found myself wishing I had knew ahead of time and raised money to run in honor of Ronan. So what, I didn’t have the shirt with the label, but I ran in spirit. I ran the whole time, I didn’t stop once. When I was tired, I thought of Ronan and how he was tired, but had to keep going. I thought of my 2 young boys and what I would do if I was you. The 13.1 miles were done in a flash. Next time, I’ll raise money for Ronan, with your permission, of course.

  25. Maya,
    Your blog is about a journey. A very painful journey and I
    thank you for including me. I’m a grandmother of 5 year old twins and couldn’t even begin to imagine the pain that would occur if something happened to them.

    You and Ro have opened my eyes to children with cancer and how it affects families and extended families. I wish you never had to write this blog and that our little Rockstar was alive and well.

    While the pain will always be with you it will become more manageable with time. Ro will always be with you and your family. And because of your blog he will be in my heart for the rest of my live too.

  26. The woman who sent the email should be deeply embarrassed and ashamed. Hey holy roller, what’s the saying?? Judge not, lest ye not be judged?? Stupid bitch, what makes you the expert and how dare you speak for anyone but yourself. (Maya this is clearly for her). Well intended, ignorant, incompassionate idiologists are not welcome here. Don’t you think Maya has enough on her plate without getting that ridiculous email from you? Seriously, who did you really help except yourself by opening your mouth? I suspect that is not the first time in life you’ve heard those very words. The world is not all about you and your opinion. Especially here. Move on and go criticize elsewhere.

    Good day,


  27. I still do not understand why people read a blog, that they have the option of not reading, and continue to email or comment negatively to the writer.
    1. you have no idea what she is going through
    2. if you don’t like it, don’t read it
    3. get fucking lost
    4. clearly if you have time to send nasty emails you have drama in your own life that you are avoiding to stick your fucking nose in someone elses life.
    5. Maya, you are the strongest person I know. keep doing what you do and fuck the haters

  28. Thank you Maya for your raw truth… your realness… your fiery spirit… you are what the world needs. I am a mother to a 5 year old and I read this blog. I guess I just wanted to say that i respect your fuck you’s and fuck this and fuck it all’s because I cannot for one moment imagine living even a moment in your shoes… I keep reading and educating myself. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” and as I see it, that’s what you are doing and I say raise your hands and raise your voice and keep on moving.
    With respect from my family to yours in Connecticut.

  29. You made it through day one and sounds like a pretty good time was had by all three of you. Baby steps, one day at a time, you are doing great. Hope the week keeps getting more enjoyable. Your entire family is in our thoughs, and prayers. Have a great day, enjoy those beautiful twins.

  30. Perfectly said! If anyone wants to judge you then they are missing out on a great life story you tell! “Those who mind, don’t matter & those who matter, don’t mind” so keep on keepin on.

  31. Hi Maya,
    Just wanted to say I’m still reading, so clearly the hater dosen’t know me. I am not a mom, so she is right on that front. But I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a friend. I have many children in my life, and I am surrounded by wonderful women who are wonderful mothers, and I feel fully qualified in saying you are a wonderful mother. The primary ingredient in being a good mother is simple – love. Lots and lots of love, never too much. And you love your boys, all of them. As long as they have that, everything else falls in to place. And I also want to say, you are not embarassing yourself. You are sharing your soul with all of us, and we are privileged to know you. I wish more people realized that their life could change in an instant, and there but for the grace of God go I. I do not know your pain, and hope I never do, but I know that the wolf is always at the door. No one can tell you how to handle your grief. It is yours, and yours alone. When someone tells you you’re doing it wrong, I would strongly suspect that they have never been through true heartbreak. There is no one right way to get through it. You’ll find your way thru it, because you have to, and however you get to the other side will be the right way for you. Love you lots and lots, my friend.

  32. LaVerna DuBois Avatar
    LaVerna DuBois

    Miss Maya,

    I am a regular follower but have never felt so compelled to comment. I hope you NEVER let those insensative morons change the way you blog. It breaks my heart to hear that people can be so heartless and rude. They feel their time is well spent by putting someone else down. To them I say, “PLEASE STOP. Your negativity is not effective here.” And to you Maya, I hope you know that right now, when you feel you are at your lowest and you are a sobbing-lump-on-the-floor-train-wreck your voice speaks its loudest. Just keep doing what you do best. There are far more people behind you than are against you.

  33. I am a mama…… & I am still reading! I also think you are amazing! You use whatever vocabulary that you want! You have that right. Like you said…. if someone doesn’t like it…. they can stop reading. You have made a true impact on my family Maya.

  34. Crystal Busch Avatar
    Crystal Busch

    Maya, I have never commented on your blog before, and I am not sure how I even found it to be honest, I started reading just a few days before you lost your sweet little man, and I have been hooked ever since. I have two little girls and I am addicted to your truth and honesty because it makes me appreciate the little things in life so much more. I am reminded daily of your pain, and that it could happen to anyone. I am so touched and encouraged by you and your strength, and that of your family. I will read your blog daily until you stop writing, I know that you will do great things for your little man and his memory.
    I truly feel bad for anyone that would say negative things about you or your beautiful family, it just shows me how empty and sad they truly are…keep speaking the truth and someday we can all hope that they find it. I truly hope that you keep writing and keep living, and keep hoping….because we are all genuinely encouraged by your words….

  35. Maya –

    Cheers to this very powerful and real post!!! FUCK that stuid woman for emailing you. FUCK YOU STUPID LADY!! I’m a mother and read Maya’s blog EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!
    Maya – you are changing lives and making millions aware of childhood cancer!! I truely believe God made you and Ronan special. You were both chosen to change lives.

    Love you and keep posting!! There are so many of us that still read and care about you and Ronan!!


  36. Maya,
    Your strength is out of this world! Your blog is my daily dose of ‘reality check’. And i literally laughed out loud at the ‘unicorns, butterfly’s and puppies’ bit. Keep on being you Maya – because you my dear are changing the world.
    With mad love,
    A Mafia Member

  37. Anyone who is more offended by profanity than by the fact that a family lost their son, can suck it. I’m a mother (11, 8 & 8), and I read this blog almost every day. That woman can kiss my fat Irish ass. I highly doubt “she” is who she says she is, anyway. I’m guessing male 400lb, role-playing, virgin covered in Cheetos crumbs and smelling of desperation.

  38. A text that my dearest friend Kim and I shared last night…
    “I’m happy you found ROCKSTAR RONAN, to me it is really a true love story and one amazing family’s journey through an unimaginable loss… and just like you said… painfully beautiful and obviously inspiring to many!”
    We are both moms.

  39. Fuck the haters! That’s all I want to say. I hope I never meet this person in a dark alley. You keep doing what you are doing Maya. You are helping so many be better people. Don’t even waste your time on these ass holes. We love you all!

  40. Actually I am a mom and because of you Maya I am a better mom. These people that decide to hate on your journey are just disgusting. I admire your honesty, I am glad you dont surgar coat everything. This is your blog and your feelings and nobody should try to take that away, or tell you to stop.

  41. I’m shocked at the email you received. I simply cannot believe someone would send such a thing! So I’m letting you know, that I’m a mother of 2 and YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE. And I’m never going to stop reading, Maya! Every night before I go to bed I check to see if you’ve posted yet, and if not, the first thing in the morning I start my day with reading. You ARE amazing. You ARE changing the world already, you and Ronan and your whole family. I can’t thank you enough for keeping your blog going! I’m so sorry there are such hurtful people in the world who would send you emails like the one(s) you received…. Please don’t ever stop writing. You are in my thoughts & prayers every day.

  42. Tiffany Spicer Ortega Avatar
    Tiffany Spicer Ortega

    Whoever wrote you that e-mail F-ing sucks. I am a mom and haven’t stopped reading your blog and won’t until you decide to stop writing. You and Ronan are an inspiration to my family and we are always sending love and prayers your way!
    Bernard Baruch: Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.


  43. I think your blog is amazing. It is real, pure, from the heart and honest as could be. I would tell that woman to go f$%#@ herself and tell her to continue reading Us Weekly where she can remain comfortable in her bubble forever…

    Thank you for choosing to share your feelings with us, your readers. I can say with 100% confidence that Ronan, your family and your experience has made me live my life with greater awareness, love and understanding and for that, I am very grateful.

    Take god care and have fun with New York Miss Macy!

  44. Oh my gosh. I am totally appalled that someone would send you an e-mail like that. Unfortunately this world is full of lunatics who enjoy causing others pain and make themselves feel superior by passing judgment. That person is just completely WRONG when she says no one is reading and the ones who are must not be moms.

    I am a mom and the reason I am still reading and the reason I tell everyone who will listen to me about Ronan is because I know if I were in your shoes, I would want to make sure no one ever forgot him. It wouldn’t be enough to hear “I’m sorry for your loss” and then see people go on about their days and their lives. I would want to make sure that his suffering wasn’t in vain and that something good and beautiful could come from it. And that is what is happening. People are donating money. People are raising awareness. People are giving blood and signing up to be bone marrow donors. And that is all because of Ronan. What happened to him was a horrible, unimaginable, ridiculously unfair thing and even the F bomb isn’t strong enough to describe it. Keep writing and keep using whatever words you need to get your point across. Delete that person’s rude e-mail and don’t look back. You ARE amazing.

  45. Still here! Seriously, why does there have to be some idiot antagonist out there who decides it is her job to speak the ‘truth’ as she sees it like she is doing some big favor to you…idiot. She is entitled to her opinions but she doesn’t get a say. Hurting a hurting person is simply evil…no matter her intentions, she should do a mirror check and see if that truly is the person she was born to be or if there are changes to be made.

    Yes, your posts are hard to read…but your reality isn’t butterlies and rainbows. I choose to be a part of your reality because 1) it makes me a better mom by keeping my reality in check 2) I am waiting for my call to arms.

    Take care, Maya. Please give Woody some love for all of us, okay?

  46. Maya,
    I’m a mom and read your blog regularly. You left me a card once, not sure if it wad because I was only best or worst behavior, but no matter because I am grateful. Grateful to no longer be crazy, rushed mom. I am more aware, more friendly, less preoccupied with the things that don’t matter. I contacted you about running, maybe the Phoenix rock n’ roll marathon is where we should start.

  47. I am a mom, I read this blog and appreciate it! That lady is embarassing herself. She can kick rocks!! Keep writing, we are listening.

  48. Thanks for writing Maya. Because of your honest words and reality, my perspective on life will never be the same. You remind me to live my life differently. Not sweat the small things. To be happy. To thank God for the healthy kids I see running around me. And to remember the kids with cancer, living with chemo running through their veins, and their mamas. That is their life. And I’m so grateful for every second of mine. I’ve learned so much from Ronan and still am, every time you write a blog. Thanks..believing….
    COLE Prayer Team

  49. I ,too, am a mama of 3 boys. I love your blog!! I’ve been following faithfully since the end of April. I wish peep’s that don’t like it would just choose to not read it! Why be critical of you after all you’ve been thru?? Not cool, sorry for that! I love the butterfly analogy, that’s perfect!! I know Ronan’s little body was a beautiful shell and that his mighty soul will live on forever!! May that bring you comfort knowing that! You’re an amazing lady! I love the photos, too! 🙂 God bless you on this journey. Thanks for sharing it with your faithful followers. It has helped me be a better mom, not let little things bug me, not take shit for granted, etc… Also, informed me about Neuroblastoma! I pray for you all the time! I am so thankful you have your beautiful twins and Woody, too!! Thinking of you and praying for you!! Love and hugs Maya! xoxo God bless!!!

  50. I am a mom and I still read because I want to support you in finding a cure- even prevention! This is your blog and you can write whatever you want. I for one understand your emotions, feelings, all of it! I lost my brother 9 years ago and my daughter was only 6 months old. We did not live near family so I needed to be a mom 24/7 and put my grief aside until I could have my moments to grieve and be angry. It was so hard to keep my mommy face on while I was so deeply in pain. I look back now and think my daughter was the reason I did not crawl in bed all day and rott:)
    I am sorry so many “hates” feel the need to write such nasty things.
    I for one know there are so many people that support you and will be there even years from now. That is when I found who my true friends were- most people left my side months after his death but my true friends stuck by my side thru all of it even years later.
    You are doing amazing- I know it is hard to get out of bed but I am proud of what you accomplish each day- it is like walking thru mud. I hope all of our love is helping you get thru the day.

  51. Maya-

    I have been reading your blog since the day Ronan passed away. A friend of mine is very involved in Ryan House, and she sent me the link to your blog. Since that day, your blog is the first thing I read every morning. I have four boys. On the day of Robnan’s service, we went to the grocery store- not on your side of town-to get balloons to release for Ronan. The man asked what color ribbon I wanted on the balloons. I told him it didn’t matter, I was releasing them into the sky. He asked if I was doing this for a little boy who just died from cancer. I told him yes. He said I was the 3rd person to come in for the same thing that day. Amazing. My family and I released the balloons in Ronan’s honor. Like you are obsessed with the neuroblastoma website, I am obsessed with your blog. I love looking at the pictures and marvel at how you always find the right song, saying, or poem to post to your blog. I also marvel at how people all over the world are following your blog! I drove to the Water and Ice store to buy a Rockstar Ronan bracelet after you posted that they were available. Maya- it’s been said over and over, but I love your honesty and I feel as if I know you, even though I don’t. I’m certain I will run into you at some point- I live in central Pheonix and frequent some places you do. I hope you are open to receiving hugs from strangers. I know if I see you you, I will want to hug you. You are amazing, strong, and as everyone else has said, yuo have made me a better, more patient mother. Each day is a gift. God bless you and your family. I will keep reading as long as you keep posting!

  52. Maya’s FUCKING Mafia for life!!! 🙂

  53. Nikki Hurliman Avatar
    Nikki Hurliman

    I will support you forever and ever! I will tell EVERYONE of your story and always have that blue eyed beauty in my mind. No matter what you say or how you say it, you are truth.
    My hubby found out that they won their race they did in Ronan’s honor May 14th. They took a while to tally up times but they won best time! We will be getting a big ol’ sasquatch trophy soon 🙂 totally NW style 🙂 We are going to make it a yearly event to always carry on his name. Love you to peices!

  54. The woman who sent the email should be deeply embarrassed and ashamed. Hey holy roller, what’s the saying?? Judge not, lest ye not be judged?? (Maya, this is for her). Inconsiderate bitch, what makes you the expert and how dare you speak for anyone but yourself. Well intended yet ignorant, idiologists are not welcome here. Don’t you think Maya has enough on her plate without getting that ridiculous email from you? Seriously, who did you really help except yourself by opening your mouth? I suspect that is not the first time in life you’ve heard those very words. The world is not all about you and your opinion. Especially here. Move on and go criticize elsewhere.

    Good day,


  55. Foul Mouthed and Devoted Follower/Mother Avatar
    Foul Mouthed and Devoted Follower/Mother

    May I have her email address? Any chance that you could forward her email to me and I could spend the energy responding? I would love to tell her what I think.

    YOU are amazing. Your story is BEAUTIFUL and anyone who is able to share in your experience should be honored.

    I would be honored to respond, with eloquence, to her ignorance.

  56. maya,
    plz Always continue to write, im so addicted to your blog, its become apart of my daily routine, i get up and get on your web site to see how your doing and am amazed by how you push forward everyday, to keep being that strong mother to your boys no matter how much pain you have inside, i find myself wanting to be a better mother, closer to my kids, not let the small shit bug me, to enjoy the little bickering, the yelling, MOM ,he did this or she did that! things that used to drive me insane now seem to be all okay and i now see the appreciative side to it all. (even when i want to yell STOP lol ) and thats because YOU have taught me to enjoy the little things. I cant thank you enough for sharing Ronans journey and am so thankful you continue to write, and i will continue to tell people about your Sweet Ronan, i love your honesty, your raw emotions and just who you are in general, you keep it real! Thank you again, thru your words its givin me courage and strength on days that i get ungrateful! you truly are a blessing!

  57. I can promise you there are many Moms reading your blog, swear words or not! Sometimes “Fuck” is appropriate and when you lose your child is one of those times! I know. I’m a Mom and a Grandma, and I lost my sweet Keely to JHD, not NB, but the feelings are the same. The helplessness, the emptiness, the pain, the anger, the frustration, the second guessing of everything you did. I’m with you all the way, Maya!! Please keep writing about your honest feelings and use every swear word you can think of, if it helps you get through this, to come out the other side stronger and ready to fight cancer. FUCK CANCER, and FUCK JHD!!

  58. I am reiterating what others have written in support of all that you do and most of all, your writing. I am a mother of a 21 month old little boy with vibrant blue eyes and dark blond hair. I too get comments when I bring him out. I think about Ronan and all who love him every day because your grief, anger and brief moments of happiness that you write about have changed my life. When I first started reading your blog, the day after Ronan died I cried for a couple hours, and then off and on for a week. I told people about your story and they asked me why do I read your blog if it makes me so sad? I read it because I have to. I read it because I care. I read it because Ronan’s story and the story of your family as told by you, Maya, is going to be a big part of defeating the evil that is childhood fucking cancer.
    When I looked at the pictures of Ronan there was one in particular that made my heart stop because I have a picture of my son that looks very similar. It was the one where baby Ronan is in the bath. You and your family are never very far from my thoughts in part because of those amazing photos of your beautiful child.
    The people who send you nasty emails are assholes and can go fuck themselves.
    Write whatever you want and the people close to you will keep sticking with you. Your devoted blog audience will also keep supporting all that you do and write as you and your family try to heal.


  59. I don’t normally comment but this “hater” really pissed me off!!! I think somebody that would actually take the time to write on YOUR blog to tell you that “everyone in their little world has stopped reading” and that “you are embarrassing yourself” is a complete douche!! Yes a FUCKING DOUCHE!!! Many of us have not experienced the loss of a child, and I pray will never have to, and we will never know what the FUCK Maya is really going through except what we read and that insight has changed many of our outlooks on what is REAL and what is LIFE and what is IMPORTANT. And to say that the rest of us that are reading are not mother’s…I say “FUCK OFF!!!” I have three kids of my own and this blog is a reminder everyday of how in a blink of an eye that could change. So here’s to Maya and her Blog that keeps it real for the rest of us!! You are loved Maya by so many and I believe Ronan Sean will forever change the world of Childhood Cancer Awareness!!

  60. Maya….I feel that whomever wrote you that e-mail hasn’t been forever changed by you and Ronan like the rest of us have. I look forward to your blog every morning. I usually go to work at 5:15 am with tears in my eyes…..but I read because its powerful, raw, beautiful, sad, and most important its your true feelings. I can honestly say I’ve probably as a mother, have taken my life for granted. I used to get upset a stupid little things. Now,I am so calm, relaxed, and I now laugh at the little mishevious things my 4 year old does to his 9 year old sister. I now realize how simple my life is…..how very lucky we are….all because of your story. I love it everytime you say FUCK…..because its real!!! I will continue to read everyday, as long as you write! I want to be a part of this journey, even if we never meet. I am forever a Rockstarronnan fan…..and am so amazed by your strength, your courage and your power to change this world! I am amazed that I was so unaware of what childhood cancer really is. Thank you for opening my eyes. I believe in you, in Ronan and your beautiful family. I’ve never been so moved by anyone in my life.

    I am from Washington, and one year ago today our family moved from Phoenix to San Diego. Its so weird to me to know all of the places you speak of. My ass has been kicked by Camelback several times…and I miss that!! Now we have the Ocean again…..and its absolutely the best therapy for anyone. I told my daughter just yesterday to stand up on her surf board for Ronan..because she can. Her board flipped and gave her a fat lip….and I made her get back on. I told her she is so lucky to be here, enjoying life…and to never give up..do it because you’re alive and you can. I paddled out into the Ocean also yesterday. It has been 9 years since I have surfed, and although I didn’t stand up, I was proud of myself for trying, and I will continue to keep at it. I think my point is Maya, you have seriously changed me, and I am forever grateful. I am a much better person because of you and Ronan. I can’t wait to get a bracelet and wear it proudly.

    So…thank you for letting us all love you and cry for you. Thank you for being raw, and honest, and for showing us what Neuroblastoma is all about! That word is so absolutely offensive to me and it can fuck off!! Ronan is our hero and has taught me so much about life….and I know he will continue to so.

    Have a good day today Maya, don’t let these terrible negative people get to you. There truly is an army standing right behind you……we all love you and support you!!



  61. I’m a mom. My daughter is almost 3 and when I barely start to think about what you’ve gone through it totally devastates me. I also find it cathartic and necessary to cuss, rant, pour out my soul when I’m in pain (and I haven’t lost a child)….no matter if someone else doesn’t find it appealing.

    And that “hater” is such a cliche. She has “nothing better to do than tear someone else down.” Pfft…moving on from such nonsense. You have tasted the depths of what really matters in this life (relationship, love, making every moment count) and her comments….don’t. And it’s too bad for her.

  62. I have started reading this blog a month after Ronan’s diagnosis when I found out about him. I grew to love your little boy so much. Now, a month later after his death- I still read It every day. Your posts, Maya, are the only thing that I look forward to every day. You all are always on my mind… Ronan is SO loved, missed & never, ever, forgotten. ❤

  63. Maya,

    So much to say to you but don’t really know how. First thing first, FUCK THAT LADY. I personally love how you keep it real, no sugar coating, so raw and real. I love your letters to Ronan and how I can feel what a good momma you are to all your boys and how special your Ronan is. You make me a better momma, hell a better person. I think about you every day, I think about Ronan every day. I read your blog every day and was worried about you when there wasn’t a new post the other night. I wish I had the power to take your pain away even for just an hour or a day because you so deserve a little break from reality. You really do amaze me. Keep on keepin on Maya, you have supporters and people who love you and your family.

  64. Kristie Stevenson Avatar
    Kristie Stevenson

    I am a mother of 3. My oldest son is now 15 and had open-heart surgery when he was 5, then needed an angioplasty at the ripe age of 7. He’s been turning purple upon exertion and his Cardiologist in Phx kept telling me he’s doing great. He had his original surgeries at the Cleveland Clinic before we moved to Phoenix 7 years ago. My mama instincts kept telling me something is wrong. We are on vacation in Ohio and I made Tyler an appt. with his Cardiologist at the Cleveland Clinic. He was seen on Friday and we were told that there is another problem and he needs surgery to correct it. One of my worst fears were coming true. Tyler ‘s heart needs fixed again. As I sit and try to feels sorry for myself, I think of you. How strong and amazing you are and I gain strength from you. How dare I feel sorry for myself?! You just lost your precious baby and I have the nerve to be upset over my son needing surgery. In addition to Tyler….I have a little girl, Ella who just turned 4 in March. I’ve noticed in the past few months that she says “Huh?” a lot. I took her to Mayo Clinic after she failed the hearing tests at the Pediatrician. She was diagnosed with a genetic disorder and she is now totally deaf in her right ear. Her left ear is perfect though. Again, I mourned for the loss of her hearing….my baby girl is deaf in one ear. Then about one second into my pity party, I think of Maya…. Maya, you have given me strength to deal with these obstacles. I feel guilty for being upset. You have been through hell and you’re still such a trooper. I think…what would Maya do and I know you would look these diagnosis in the eye and say “FUCK YOU, LET’S DO THIS”…I thank you for your uncensored truth. I thank you for sharing your feelings. I thank you for letting us inside to mourn with you. You have made me a better mother. As a mother of 3 children and a Kindergarten teacher- I tend to have short fuse by the time I get home from work after dealing with 20 kindergartners all day. I took my own children for granted. Not anymore…I cherish every second with my children. When my 4 year old won’t stop yelling “Mama” and I just want to relax- I don’t. I get up and go to her. I take the time out to do all the little things she wants to do. You have taught me to be a better mom and we don’t even know each other. I wake up everyday and the first thing I do is read you blog. I want to make sure you’re ok. I know this sounds strange because we are strangers, but I swear I’m not some sort of crazy stalker. Please don’t let these heartless blog-commenters get to you. THEY SUCK! and they have no compassion. You and Ronan will always be in my heart and daily thoughts. Keep going Maya- You’re doing AWESOME! 🙂
    Love from one Mama to another,

  65. I AM A MOM (oh wait sorry I cannot have kids so I have Adopted two amazing boys and have a amazing stepdaughter) AND I READ DAILY and the “haters” out there are ignorant!!

    People who judge you have nothing better to do…..use that energy to promote awareness and LOVE……

    Sharing your entire life and feelings takes a very wonderful person who inspire others to realize what they have and embrace it!!

  66. Just another mom letting you know that I’m still reading!

  67. Dear Miss Maya,
    This is my first time reading this. I so sorry for your loss. I cried the whole time I read it. I have a 2 year old daughter and towards the end of reading this she came up to me and saw I was crying and asked if I was ok. Your story has reminded me of how easily we can take our kids lives for granted. As for the people who read your story and can only complain about your language, FUCK THEM!! I didnt know emotions had speech sensors. I wish I had some words of wisdom but Im totally at a loss for words because I havent had to deal with anything like this. What I do know is your a strong woman, I dont know you but I admire you. I hope if I ever have to face this situation I can be as fucking strong as you are! Thank your for reminding me how precious life is.

    With all respect,
    Amy Zinter

  68. This mama of 4 is still reading!

  69. Maya,
    I’m a mom and I read your blog every day. Your true friends and supporters are not going anywhere. I just can’t believe that someone would say that to you….I don’t know what kind of person could do that. The Coors Light story made me laugh among my tears- he’s my kind of guy!

    I wanted you to know that you have made an impression on me, everyone who reads this blog and everyone I tell about Ronan (I’ve been tweeting Bethenney Frankel to re-tweet your story-we’ll see what happens).

    My son turns 4 next month and I have decided that any gifts he receives for his birthday will be donated to our local Children’s Hospital in Ronan’s name.

    Take care of yourself and your family one day at a time.

  70. There will always be people like this… the thing about those people and us… we aren’t just “fans” of Mayas blogs… we have let Maya, her family and life into our hearts and made them part of our lives. She has made friends and family with people that she has never met. So, let people talk and say things, she has overcome a lot worse than this.. let’s just pray that the people that have only expressed negative thoughts and words towards Maya never have to experience losing a child… and if they do I hope that they are shown more compassion than they have shown Maya.

    **And all of her readers let’s be the bigger, better ones.. it took a lot to not belittle them but that wouldn’t make me/us any better than them or their words**


  71. MAYA!!! I am here. I am here everyday for you. I am a Mom to 2 beautiful chilren aged 2 and 4. I am so proud, inspired and inpressed by you. DO NOT EVER STOP!
    I have told you before how much you and Ronan are and have helped others……..FUCK this ignorant commenter!!

    Love and hugz~

  72. Maya – I live in Scottsdale and read your blog every day. I take care of two of my beautiful grandsons, ages 2 and 5, almost every day and cherish every moment. I would love to find out who wrote you that extremely rude e-mail telling you to stop writing about Ronan. She needs to quit reading and mind her own f—— business. Your blog has inspired so many people and you are indeed an amazing lady! I will continue to read your blog every day! Take care and continue on just as you are. Sandi in Scottsdale

  73. Maya,
    I have a few things I want to tell you. First of all I read your blog every day. I am addicted to reading your blog. I know this may sound crazy but I feel this desire to know how you are making it through the days. What makes you get up in the morning. I know you have your 2 boys but losing a child… I can NOT imagine the pain that entails. It is hard enough losing a child but still having the find the strength to wake up and be a mommy to your 2 other precious boys, I truly do not know how you do it. I dont believe you loved Ronan more but you love him differently. Just as you love Liam differently from Quinn. Every child has a special place in your heart and a special love. And to lose one of the precious pieces… This is why I continue to read. I suffer from terrible depression. And I have lost a lot of epople in my life and been through terrible things in my life, but since having a child that pain dulls when I think of the love I have for my kid. Some days I want to just lay and bed and not do anything. ASnd then I think of you, and the things you have been through and it makes me realize, why am I sad? I know, chemical inbalance blah blah fucking blah. But seriously. I have a beautiful boy who loves me more than the sun itself and all I want to do is lay in bed when i have this huge blessing. Im sure you hear that lot. You make people appreciate what they have. But truly why else would you continue writing. You are showing the world that cancer did not make you give up on life. You are fighting back and cancer can just go fuck itself. By the way, I think i need to buy one o these damn fuck you cancer bracelets.
    I have written a comment before, I know you get so many. But I wanted you to know along with the thousands of others that you still have a reader here! and I am a mother, so that hater can go find somewhere else to hate! But back to you. The blogs you write, have a way of speaking to people. If someone has a problem with your language, all i can say is WOW! Why? You are deep and real. This is how you are feeling so write it.
    Another thing, I remember reading a comment about how you were judging people who smoke. First of all, I am a smokier. It is the grossest most damaging thing I have ever done! I quit when I was pregnant and then started a year later. WTF! And I sit puffing on that fucking thing while kids are dying for NO reason at all!! I may never get cancer even though I chose to smoke this, but there are children who dont choose to smoke and have never done a bad thing in their life yet they are suffering a pain which is greater than any growm woman or man has felt.
    So this is my kudos to you. This comment has become very long and all over the place for it and I am sorry for that. I have seen many people who have said they have quit smoking since reading your blog. I hope I soon can say the same thing! You encourage me. Running and being active with your children even when it hurts to breathe. When it hurts to see the sunshine.
    So please dont stop writing. I was following you on twitter and the last post was about lulu lemon girl and i kept going back to twitter and i thought you had quit writing. Then I finally came to see your blog and realized OH DUH! So thank you for writing your dark and potty mouthed words! It is real and I appreciate it. No fucking ponies and rainbows for me.
    You, Maya and Ronana and your whole family, are an inspiration!
    Thank you.

  74. Maya, It breaks my heart that anyone would attack someone that has just lost their child. That person definitely has a screw loose. As far as I am concerned, you have a free pass to feel, think and say anything you want! Thank you for sharing Ronan’s story with us. I think of him when my kids do something cute AND when they try my patience. You have inspired me to appreciate EVERY moment I have with them. I am completely aware that if it can happen to you, it can happen to any of us, so we can’t take our lives for granted.

    I have to thank you today for the laughter through my tears while reading today’s post. The Coors Light story was the best. What a little Rockstar!!!

  75. Hello Maya! Screw you Haters! and Fuck you Cancer!….I have to say there have been a few days where I read and say to the screen, “please Maya, please just smile for one day, don’t be sad, breathe, laugh, be happy”…..that would be a perfect world and clearly this is a world far from that. I too am a mother, and how dare that person say anything about anything to you! No person grieves the same and no person handles any situation the same! That’s life lady! Her life may be so perfect that things can come out of her mouth to advise others, but for people out there like that….shove it! Keep it to yourself and go on talking crap about things you have no clue about, just leave Ronan and his family out of your shitiness!

    Maya, as you have friends that will always be there for you no matter what, there are still so many of us out there that will support you and your cause no matter what! At some point in life there will be someone we all know touched by cancer and there is no excuse to turn the other way and act like it’s a scratch that will heal itself and be just fine next week.

    My hope for you Maya is that someday you will sleep soundly knowing Ronan is safe and that you will laugh and breathe easier and enjoy what you have without heaviness in your heart so deep that it’s hard for you to get out of bed…we all hope the pain will ease for you, no one likes to see a person suffer without end. Whatever time you need is up to you, not to any single other person out there.

    With love, support and a blanket party for that lady!

  76. Your supporters are still out here, en masse, and we love you. I was led to Ronan and you through Layla..and I read daily.

    How do I get an f you cancer bracelet?

  77. Hi Maya~ Your post today brought a smile to my face… Feisty feisty you are and I love it. I read your blog every single day, wouldn’t miss it and won’t…it selfishly blesses me and my parenting abilities (or lack thereof in many cases it seems…;)). I love how honest you are and how you tell it like it is, the good, the bag and the ugly. Thank you for continuing to share…this part of your journey is just as important as it was before Ronan passed away and it keeps Ronan and all the lessons he’s taught us… is teaching us…on our mind and hearts always. xoxo

  78. Mama Maya, We love you and we are with you. ❤

  79. I think your blog is amazing and real-oh and I’m a mom for those who say the moms have left. I have twins and my youngest is a month younger than Ronan. I cannot impagine your pain. But I think your blog is both eye opening and beautiful in a way that makes me want to be better. So fuck the haters!

  80. Still reading! Every.day.

  81. i don’t know how you do it, and i hope i never have to find out. but i think you are the perfect example of the strength that we all have within ourselves to endure and persevere through the worst life has to offer. i have been coming to you for inspiration for many months now. what first started out as a curious yet sympathetic pull toward your “human drama” has become a need to see how you are able to unfold and discover the many dimensions of your persona. i don’t know you, and i don’t expect to, even after reading all your blogs. i do recognize that i am only one of over a million people whose lives you have gripped. and i’m sticking with you.

  82. Mom of two here for the long haul! (((((((((HUGS))))))))))

  83. Member of the Ronan Fan Club over here! I’m shocked and appauled someone (people)? would choose to email you such horrible things. Screw ’em. You rock and are supported by TONS of people.

  84. maya, your words are beautiful. every single one of them. as far as that rude person who emailed you first of all what the fuck? if they are so displeased with your writing and how you express yourself on YOUR blog then why are they taking the time to email you? makes no sense? its people like that you have no understanding or compassion for fellow human beings. sad. i had goose bumps the whole time i read this post. and as i comment i still have goos bumps from head to toe. that is how incredible you and ronan are. your love story has captivated my heart and i am forever changed as a person, woman, wife, and mommy. thank you for that. i am forever indebted to you and your family for educating me, olpening up my eyes to whats going on in the world even if its so ugly that we’d just rather close our eyes and forget that ugliness and lots of it exist in this world. i am not going anywhere. my support for you, ro, and your family is never ending and will never be forgotten about or sick of. your blog is a beautiful gift that you have given yourself and ro and ar graciously sharing with perfect strangers! you are so brave! so strong and every bit of that beautiful butterfly that you know is in you. words are just words. i wonder if that rude emailer knows that? fuck is just a word. words have no actual power. its the power that we put behind that word or how we choose to associate that word (good or bad) in our minds. the difference between you and this idiot is that you put true, honest, real, raw and ridiculous beauty behind your words. you speak with thoughtfulness and conviction no matter who is reading or not. isn’t that how we should all speak? now obviously tact comes into the picture in certain situations but this is your personal blog. these are your love letters to your ronan which mean fuck tact. plus considering the circumstances with which is the was first started i would completely understand if you had a post that just fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck and thats it. you are an inspiration, a hero, and a force to be reckoned with who is overflowing with pain, tears, laughter, hurt, and beauty. dont ever forget that. like i said earlier, you and ro have changed my life and this reader/ronan fan isnt going anywhere!! xoxo

  85. Im usually a silent reader, never commenting, just reading. But today is different. I just wanted to tell Maya that she is an amazing woman. I really don’t understand why the haters just don’t stop reading. Does it make you feel good about yourself to put Maya down? I think sometimes people forget that this is not a story. This is reality. A cruel, unimaginable, sick reality. Her baby is gone. And it’s not just that he’s gone, it’s how he had to go. It has been a long road that she’s watched him suffer through. It breaks my heart that anyone is anything but supportive. So please, to the cruel people I beg of you, just stop reading. Let Maya grieve how she needs to grieve.

  86. Maya, I am a mom and read your blog everyday. You are not dark…. you are real. We aren’t gonna leave you now mama! We are the army you have formed in this fight against childhood cancer. Keep writing and keep healing! Always thinking of you and praying for you. xo

  87. Not a mom, but I read your blog every day and have told everyone I know about it, and the fight to cure cancer generally and all about Neuroblastoma, which few have heard about. I will support you and send you and the family love and prayers every single day as long as I have breath. Please ignore any asswipish comments.

  88. Maya-
    WOW! I hope you have had the time and strength to read all this from so many people!! I too am a stranger and began reading when Layla Grace Foundation posted info abt Ronan’s passing.
    And in the last week I felt I had to go back and read it all from the start. Like many, I feel like I know you and Ronan. I admire your strength and love your honesty!! I know you don’t need to hear this but Ill say it anyway..please keep doing what you do!!
    Do the “haters” really feel they are making a difference?? I hope they are reading this…FU Haters!!!
    You know your baby is proud of his momma!! And you know that army of friends you have will fight for you too!
    When you are ready, let your “friends” out here know what we all can do in our parts of the world to help you get the word out!!!
    Rock on little Ronan!! We got your momma’s back ;)!!
    Love from Houston!

  89. FUCK Cancer! and absolutely FUCK(it’s my fave word too) the haters that come here and judge and/or tell you how you “should” act. I don’t have an effin clue what I would do if something tragic were to happen to my almost 4 yr old, I have a feeling I’d be not far behind her, which wouldn’t help anybody. What a peaceful, sheltered, close to perfect World(your own little bubble) someone must live in to be so offended by the word Fuck that you then feel entitled enough that you would take the time out of your (non)busy day to write something hateful and ugly(which is my personal definition of cancer) to a mom who has lost a child. YOU must not be the KIND of parent I strive to be. Because of Ronan and Maya, I’m a better mom, wife. daughter, friend… Because I’M offended that fucking cancer is destroying people still, I’ve found out where I can go to donate blood and platelets(instead of waiting for them to come to me at work blood drives), how often, and am in the process of registering on the bone marrow donor list. Just because you share your thoughts with us here, and people have the “right” to give you their negative, ugly, and non-productive opinion doesn’t make it RIGHT. I’ll be here tomorrow and every tomorrow after that. I hope that with you I can help kick cancers ass(cause I’m pretty tired of that motherfucker too). I hope more and more people are as inspired to make a difference as you’ve made me and the other 98%(or more) of your supporters. Love your way. ROBIN

    ‎”So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you’ll move mountains.” -Dr.Seuss

  90. You rock girl, keep doing what you are doing!!! Ronan will live on forever!!!

    I am a mommy to 3 little boys, because of Ronan I appreciate everyday and every moment with them. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    FUCK CANCER, yeah I said it….if you don’t like it then you shouldn’t read it! 🙂

    Mommy to 3 little boys

  91. I also had to add that the coorslight celebration was so funny…and I also LOVE the “I’m not spicy!”…..so precious!! Thank you for the little laugh!

  92. You are an amazing, strong person! Dont let anyone tell you different 🙂

  93. Fuck those stupid ignorant people. I’m a mom and I read every post! I love and appreciate my son
    More because of you. Don’t you ever doubt that. Fuck the haters. Maya’s mafia doesn’t need them!

  94. Maya,
    I think you are amazing. You are real and tell it like it is, you did not ask to belong to this club, yet you are in it. You are handling things the best way you can, and I think YOU ROCK. Your Ronan was and always will be a BEAUTIFUL boy. Thank you for sharing him with the world. Keep up that fighting spirit, the world needs YOU!

    Wishing you healing peace and continued strength.

  95. Such hurtful and cruel words said by that ‘person’. I have not gone anywhere and don’t plan too….and I’m a mommy who thinks YOU are an amazing mommy! You have ooooogles of people out here who care about you, Ronan, your twins and Woody… Stay strong and turn into that butterfly when you are ready…and keep writing… <<>>

  96. Rita Dickinson Avatar
    Rita Dickinson

    Keep writing. Publicly. Those of us who want to help you kick childhood cancer’s ass need to hear from you so we can support you!

  97. I am a mommy. I am still reading. I am keeping Ronan close in my thoughts as I try every day to be a better mom than yesterday. Your words are honest and true to the core. I would truly like to know WHAT words that woman would use to describe her pain if she lost her child like you lost Ro. Silly cancer? NO FUCK YOU CANCER!!! How do you use words to describe something that makes no sense? Something too awful for your heart to believe? WTF is wrong with her to make her think she has the right to write those hurtful lies to you?

    Maya, you are such a beautiful soul. I know when it is time for that butterfly to come out, it will be such a beautiful sight! Your love for your boys, all 3 of them is pure. It’s the way a mother is supposed to love a child, with every fiber of your being. When I read this blog, I FEEL. I feel sadness, anger, frustration, love, happiness, helplessness, etc, but it makes me feel something. Today, reading about you and the twins at Target, I felt elated. I know your heart still isn’t in it 100%, but you are getting there. You will be all they will ever need, you are an amazing mom to them. I agree w/ what someone posted above, Liam and Quinn are lucky that Dad is away this week. I think this week will do a lot of good in the way of them finding their mom again and you finding your boys. Keep doing you, Maya, you rock. Fuck the haters and their hate mail. We will all be here for as long as you let us. Love you girl!

  98. I am a mom. I love your blog. Ronan has changed my life. You have changed my life. Cancer is a swear word and you can say fuck on our blog whenever the fuck you want.

    I will continue to pray for peace, strength and more Brittany days.

    Take care.

  99. Uh I’m with you on this..why do people get so damn offended by the word “FUCK” or “SHIT” (sorry that’s another favorite of mine!). I’ll keep it short and simple – I am a mom, I am still here and I have been changed by you and Ronan! Period. The Hater can suck it!

  100. I have never commented before, but as I sit here and read your blog today, I am so f ing pissed off, I cant begin to tell you. I went to the water store and bought 10 of your bracelets and wear it proudly every day. I kiss it goodnight every night. There is not a day that goes by, that I dont shed a tear for Ronan and your family. Anybody who has the nerve to send you a bad comment or e mail, has a lot of nerve. I just want you to know how much respect I have for you and your honesty. I only hope to meet you one day and give you the hugest hug ever. Maya, you are an incredible inspiration to all of us, anybody who doesn’t agree can kindly f off. I dont know you but my love and respect grows daily for you!.. I hope you get some sleep, and continue to write so honestly…sending you lots of love and hugs

  101. BTW, can’t find your blog to vote:( wahhh

    1. Yes, I entered the name of the blog. But when I clicked on it to vote it took me to the blog itself so anyone who votes just find the ranking and click on the numbered pages to find it. I voted with a couple emails and it didn’t seem to add them?? Maybe it takes time? Good luck!

  102. Alexandria Misthos Avatar
    Alexandria Misthos

    “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ❤ love to you and ronan and your whole family forever

  103. To quote you:
    “….as ugly as it may be…. just writing out his name for you all to read is beautiful enough to me.”

    Keep writing, keep sharing, keep saying his name. We love him–all of us in our own ways, and he certainly, without ANY doubt, has changed so many people’s lives for the better.
    We also love you, Maya.

    Maya and Ronan–A beautiful love story that has touched me so deeply in so many ways.

  104. Hi Maya,

    Fellow mom here, writing from Michigan. I’ve never written to you before, but I’ve been silently reading and supporting from afar. Your blog is like a car crash you just can’t seem to look away from. It’s so painful, but I find myself reading daily, checking in on you. I know we’ve never met, but somehow I feel as if we’re friends… both the same age with a fabulous sense of fashion and kick ass taste in music:)

    I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I wish I had better words. As a mother, I just don’t know what else to say because the thought of losing one of my children is just too much to bare. I have 3 girls… the oldest is the same age as Quinn and Liam.

    I never knew what to say or when to say it, but after reading this post, I just thought it was the appropriate time to let you know that you are supported and encouraged by many, and I thank you for sharing your story with us on a daily basis. You are inspiring.

    Positive vibes sent your way. And a huge hug too. Can’t wait to hear about the first time Ronan visits you in your dreams.

  105. Maya,

    You are an awesome person and an amazing mother! I am a mom and I will continue to read your blog as long as you continue to write. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and Ronan. You both have made me a better mom and an overall better person that will never take anything for granted again. I will do whatever it takes to raise awareness….so count me in! Thank you!!

  106. Maya- I am a mother of two. The other night my two year old was throwing a fit at bed time an wanted to lay with me. Which my husband is not fond of. We both read your blog. So I looked at him and said ” Maya would give anything for Ronan to be throwing a fit just like this” we both looked at eachother and decided our boy needed to come lay with us for awhile! You have helped us so much in realizing the great things in life and how important every second is (even when our kids are screaming). At times I feel like it’s music to my ears just because they are here and healthy! Thank you so much for that! 🙂

  107. thank you Maya. thank you Ronan. For always keeping me in check.
    tonight, I was snuggling my kids to sleep and decided to check my e-mail with my lap top. When I read the part in the blog about the man next to the jacuzzi on his laptop, missing all the precious moments with his beautiful son, I quickly put the computer away and snuggled down with my babes. They clearly were excited that I made this move. I enjoyed every second of their warm little bodies snuggling me up and watching their peaceful slumber. thank you Maya. thank you Ronan for always bringing me back to the most important thing.

  108. Just breathe Maya. Keep doing what you are doing and let your big boys help patch you up. Sending you strength and peace.

  109. I too am a MOM ! I read your blog first thing every morning. Ya know… you can offend me every single day if you would like (you dont)..because this is YOUR PLACE… YOUR THOUGHTS. Im so sorry that someone…a MOM especially..was heartless enough to say such hateful things to you. I really am sorry we have people like that in our world. Thinking of you !

  110. Really? How could someone send you that type of email? The ones with silly statements to make themselves feel better are expected, but that. I don’t get that. I don’t get people who walk around thinking bad shit won’t happen to them. I read your blog everyday and sometimes cry and sometimes just wish for you to feel some relief. I have three kids, three dogs and a lot of shit to do and this blog is on my daily list of shit to do. Fuck her and her stupid friends. I choose to read this blog and cry with all the other readers. I think you are amazing and most likely shit gold. What a bitch, now I am going need to find the ambien I end up hiding from myself to get to bed because I am all fired up!

  111. Maya, I am a mother & grandmother and you are one of the healthiest people around. You are SUPPOSED to be hurting. You are in emotional ICU right now. It is harder for you because there are no crutches or wheelchairs or even band-aids for people to see how badly you are hurt. Fighting for yourself and your family in the way that works for you has been helping untold numbers of people.

    How can this possibly be something up for criticism? I think the answer is that it’s not – the issue is within those who are judging/criticizing. Your gift to them is being a distraction from whatever pain is terrifying them.

    When you read such messages, whisper “you’re welcome” and move on.

    Our 3 y.o. grandson was diagnosed NB stage IV when he was 28 months old – the exact same week that Ronan was diagnosed. The dr. here in Canada has basically given up on him, but Dr. Mosse has agreed to oversee his treatment from here on out. He’s had two I-131 MIBG treatments and we are waiting for the results of the second.

    During the first seven months of this journey, my daughter was not only trying to understand and organize his treatment, she was also pregnant. Her baby daughter was 18 days old when we all flew to CHOP for his first treatment. Your strength and courage reminds me of her. NB parents are a whole different level of beings and not to be underestimated.

    I was widowed at 26 y.o. when I was pregnant with my third child. Your messages resonate with the incredible physical and emotional pain that I went through. As with your twins and the rest of those who love you, I felt I had to continue for my children & family even when I just wanted to stop. They anchored me and kept me breathing, one second at a time (one day, even one minute was often too much).

    Although hard to read, your words are important for your healing as well as for others to witness. Write as long as it feels appropriate. You obviously have wonderful instincts and trusting them will not lead you astray.

    I will continue to follow your journey and send warmest love for you and your grieving family. Cancer has awakened a formidable enemy in you.

  112. I read this blog for a while now and never took the guts to comment here. I think now it`s the time. First of all, excuse my english. I am not american, don`t live in the US and english is not my native language.
    I am mom. A new mom. I am 31 years old and my baby girl is 11 months now. She changed my life in a way I can`t describe. We have a connection that I believe is the same you have with Ronan. Sometimes I look at my daughter and the love I feel is so big and overwhelming that I ask myself if my baby girl is real. How could I, a simple girl, create an amazing human being like my daughter? She is just too good to be truth and that scares the hell out of me!
    This week she got ill for the first time. So far, she never had anything, not even a fever. This week she got rotavirus although she was vacinnated! I spent a terrible and scaring week and from time to time I would think about you and Ronan. I was SO scared about a simple thing as rotavirus,.. how could Maya survive Ronan having Cancer? How could she live? How could she breathe? If I was in her place, would I be so strong? And I would cry….
    Reading your blog is making me a better mom,Maya! The best mom I can be.
    I have the luck of being able to stay home from work since she was born and I`ll be for more 2 months. In theses pasts months I trully enjoyed my daughter and from reading your blog I learned how precious my moments with her really are. She is my priority in life. I don`t complain if I don`t have time to go to the bathroom, or sleep in late, or if she needs too much of my attention during the day. My day is hers. I have the nights for me and that`s more than enough.
    I just wanted to thank you for writting this blog and inspiring me (and so many people out there) to be a better mom. Inspiring me to embrace life and appreciate every single moment with my little girl. Never taking my moments with her for granted! Thank you!

    ps – I think Ronan would fall in love if he saw my baby! LOL She has some BIG, I mean, BIG expressive eyes (like Ronan) and because of those big eyes, we call her Boo! LOL She can tell you everything that goes on her sould through her eyes. She`s the most expressive baby alive, I swear to you! AND she is a firecracker! I think Ronan and her would be great friends 🙂

    1. Hey there, i write because i want to say that your post is wonderful. Lina

  113. Fuck Her! You make us all better people! Thank You

    1. I am a mom and I truly appreciate your honesty. That person needs to meet more people like you. Nobody should be judging you on YOUR blog!

  114. Maya your blog is real and that is what matters most. These people who say negative stuff cannot even begin to fathom what you are going through. Their words are derived from fear and ignorance. Ronan is an inspiration to us all, as are you and your family.
    Keep up your movement for beating down cancer.. I am with you, always!

  115. Maya,
    Like so many of your followers, I read daily. If it’s not the last thing I read before I close my eyes, it’s the first thing I read before I am even out of bed, in the morning. You, Ronan…your entire family have become part of my daily life. There is not a morning I wake up that I don’t think of you, and read your latest blog. We love you, we love Ronan, we miss him, and the pain that your reveal to us in your blog is so real, and though I sometimes have to set my phone down, because I am breathless at trying to fathom your pain, it is theraputic for me, to know that it is helping you to get it out on “paper”….you are the fucking SHIT! there is no other way to describe you, as a mother of 3, wild children, I put myself in your shoes so many times during the day, and again, become breathless at the sheer and simple fact that, I am so thankful for you, for Ronan, and for the fact that you have shared this with all of us,and have taught ME (as well as so many others) that it can all change in the blink of an eye, boom…forever. I will forever be greatful for your honesty, you are doing what God intended for you to do with this most horrific situation. And from that, we, your “mafia” are all benefiting. Fuck these assholes that are wasting your time with their meaningless emails and blog comments. Simply stated, they need to go away. It is too bad for them, that they are not taking this beautiful gift you are sharing with all of us. I go to sleep at night,and pray your little man visits you in your dreams. He will,Maya..and when he does, it will be the most beautiful thing, and I cannot wait to read all about it.

    Keep doing what you’re doing, we are with your always!

  116. Sascha (the Netherlands) Avatar
    Sascha (the Netherlands)

    Dear Maya,
    I too read your blog every day (and I am a mother of the most beautiful 3 year old girl!!). I just need my ‘Maya-fix’ every day! 😉
    Ronan’s story has made me more aware of children cancer. I am reading all I can about it and started supporting some foundations in the Netherlands and made a donation to the Ronan Thompson Foundation. All because of your beautiful son who has touched my heart…

    I don’t understand why people who do not like your blog, need to email you such shitty email. If you don’t like it, stop reading. I don’t always agree with you, but hey… I didn’t just loose my child!! You have the right to say whatever you want! And as to friends not telling you the truth, I remember the blog in which you said that your friend Charisma told you the truth, so that’s bullshit!

    Please keep telling your truth, it is helping a lot of people!! It is keeping me grounded and reminding me of what’s really important!

  117. Luv and Hugs to you Maya.

  118. Still here, still reading, still sending you love, support & positive vibes. Keep up the writing, the healing, and all the good work!!
    You are amazing.

  119. i love you maya, you’re so spunky! my favorite part was “then peace the fuck out” LOL! couldn’t have said it better myself. yes i’m NOT a mom but i don’t see what that has to do with anything like that stupid woman said. you’re a rockstar just like ro baby! keep it up!

  120. Hey there Maya. This is so far down the comment line, that you probably won’t even see this one hiding out.
    I am glad that you continue with your blog. That your life with your hubby and your boys continue on. That you continue sharing. Cancer IS a swear word. It has been a swear word ever since it took my mother and messed with my sister. It has won too many times…it’s time for cancer to DIE!
    (As for idiots of the world…don’t let the dipshits win.)

  121. Ronan will always be a part of us. Who is that stupid, shallow, foul-mouthed bitch who wrote you that email?! You had no right to do so and I hope you are reading this.

  122. Shlomit Robbins Gruber Avatar
    Shlomit Robbins Gruber

    Hi Maya,

    I’m a Mom to two beautiful boys (ages 3 and 6) and I, too, am still reading and ALWAYS WILL BE READING. As others have said, your words, Ronan’s journey, Ronan’s soul and spirit, all have made me that much more appreciative for the health that we are so blessed with and so lucky to have. I knew these things before, but because of you & Ronan, I cherish every moment and truly recognize the importance of so many things in my day to day life. I spend even more time with my boys, play more with them, plan special outings, etc. The significance of my role as mom to these two beautiful, healthy boys is greater today than ever..because of you and Ronan.

    I’ve heard and read from others about your blog “getting dark,” to which I respond,”This is their reality, it IS REALITY…it’s not about a *story* that’s gotten too dark to read.” If it’s “too dark,” then I believe those people are unwilling to face the truth of what exists in this world….but I won’t judge. I just know that the ugliness expressed in this latest email that you received says EVERYTHING about what kind of a person is behind it, and is absolutely meaningless as far as you, Ronan, your friends/family or this entire “army” of supporters are concerned. Too many beautiful, worthy souls here to even bother with such disgrace.

    I happen to think you are an incredibly positive and uplifting soul…AMAZING (there’s that word again)! But it’s so true. For all you’ve endured, the fact that you’re not only standing, but writing, inspiring and provoking so much goodness in others every day…that just says it all. You and Ronan are the inspiration behind so many of our lives now…I cannot wait for all of the great things we’re going to do together. Your reality is now my reality, too. And I’ll never stop reading, never stop believing. As long as you write, we are all reminded daily of how good we have it…and it makes us better..pushes us to be better. If you didn’t continue your writing (and I’ve said this for weeks now), so many of us would have just returned to our usual ways, without continuing to “check-in” with this painful reality that is yours…and ours. The reality that is making us live better. And soon to blossom into something so beautiful and special that it will make Ronan proud.

    You are amazing, beautiful. Ronan is amazing and beautiful. And we’re all in this with you.


  123. I have no idea why anyone would send that horrible email to you, but they are flat out wrong. I am a mommy, and I parent my child differently since finding Ronan, and your entire family, in your beautiful words. Fuck cancer,and fuck anyone who wants to say anything negative about your writing.

    You don’t know me, but you have totally changed my life, you and Ronan. My son has a better mommy because of you.

  124. Marilyn Sanchez Avatar
    Marilyn Sanchez

    I’m still here too. My name is Marilyn and I’m Mommy to Sophia.

    Just pity the fools that talk crap.

    Carry on.


    Marilyn from Miami

  125. Maya,
    I have followed your blog for several months and I continue to read it because I want to know how you are. I want to know that you are still feeling…something, anything. You lost a child and that is sometging that I woud never wish on my worst enemy. When I read your blog I am compelled to not judge because I have never had to handle what you are handling. For those that have something negative to say to you I say FUCK YOU ALL! Mourning is not a definitive process and we must all deal with it in our own ways…this is helping you survive and I am happy to be a part of your process. As for that asshole who thought they could make statements about who is still reading this blog, I am a mother and Maya has helped me to appreciate that title more than I can even express. It is nice to hear someobe be so honest about something so shitty and I would love to count Maya as one of my friends! So you know what…fuck off haters and find somerhing better to do with your time than pick on a mother that has lost her child. Stay strong Maya and know that millions of people suppot ou and your process to mourn. Much love to you and your family, especially little Ronan!

  126. Maya,
    I have followed your blog for several months and I continue to read it because I want to know how you are. I want to know that you are still feeling…something, anything. You lost a child and that is sometging that I woud never wish on my worst enemy. When I read your blog I am compelled to not judge because I have never had to handle what you are handling. For those that have something negative to say to you I say FUCK YOU ALL! Mourning is not a definitive process and we must all deal with it in our own ways…this is helping you survive and I am happy to be a part of your process. As for that asshole who thought they could make statements about who is still reading this blog, I am a mother and Maya has helped me to appreciate that title more than I can even express. It is nice to hear someobe be so honest about something so shitty and I would love to count Maya as one of my friends! So you know what…fuck off haters and find somerhing better to do with your time than pick on a mother that has lost her child. Stay strong Maya and know that millions of people suppot ou and your process to mourn. Much love to you and your family, especially little Ronan!

  127. Fuck cancer. Fuck the haters. Who the hell is allowed to comment on how YOU are dealing with the physical loss of Ronan??? Screw those jackasses. You are a rockstar as well, Maya. Can’t wait to see what u have in store for the world b/c u r one bad ass bitch on a mission (in the best way possible!).

  128. Maya,

    I just read this post. Sometimes I can’t read this because I don’t want to think about Ben dying. He’s actually doing well right now. That might feel like daggers, and I’m sorry.

    Anyway, I think about your posts / rants a lot. I have been told that I am dealing with Ben having cancer gracefully. That’s nice, but I so appreciate and envy your passion. (I’m kinda dead inside…) I believe fully that you will do something to change the stats of this disease. You have resources, support and crazy passion. Change doesn’t happen without getting off the path and breaking a few rules. Please continue to rant and focus that passion to raise another $50k! Can the survival rate go up 1% because of you and Ronan? That’s a lot of thankful parents!

  129. Hi Maya, i’m from Germany and 17, and i found your blog during surfing through the internet. I just want to say that i really admire you. You are so so strong. Please stay this way. You have a wonderful family and you’re a wonderful mummy.
    It makes me sad and angry to read that there are haters. Your and Ro’s and your family’s story really helps me to stay strong, too. Fighting against Leukemia the third time. Thank you for sharing. Love and hugs to you. Lina

  130. I’m not a mom and I have no idea what it would be like to lose a child, at all. But I don’t give a shit what anyone says because this doesn’t come down to who is a parent and who isn’t, or who are your true friends or aren’t. None of that matters. You and your family are human beings who are suffering from a tragic loss and strangers and loved ones from all over the world are supporting you and loving you.
    I started reading your blog a few months ago and was immediately captivated by your words. I have been a follower since then and I don’t plan to stop. Like most people who read this, I laugh with you, cry with you, read your blog to others, share it on Facebook, and am always carrying you and your family in my heart.
    I hope you continue to surround yourself with those that lift you higher, and forgot about those that don’t. There may be a few haters out there (I can’t even fathom that) but you have so many more great people making up for their hate.
    Keep doing great things, keep being a great mom, and keep healing. We will be following you, one post at a time 🙂

  131. Maya, I have been crying and hurting for you and your family since I found this blog 3 hours ago. I think what you put out there for us to read and live along with you is real. No bullshit. No sugarcoating. It’s real and my life has been touched by it. I have a 5 year old boy and a 22 month old girl and one of your posts mentions temper tantrums and terrible two. It put everything into perspective for me. I wish I could meet you, give you the biggest hug. You are a strong person. I feel like I’m living through this pain with you. I’m very emotional to begin with but this has really touched me. I need to give my babies a hug. The love you have for Ronan, I have for my kids. I wonder if I would have the strength to go on for my daughter like you have for your twins. I don’t know if I would have that strength and that thought alone scares me to pieces. When you talk about feeling guilty for being happy or smiling, I know that I would be the same. Continue being an inspiration and for the haters, I wouldn’t even acknowledge their comments with a response. They don’t deserve a response. Continued prayers

  132. First I’m going to address the haters you have… F U!!!!!!! I’m not one to use the F word but again F U!!! How dare you think you know better, that you can judge someone. Does your life suck so much you have to beat someone down who you should be picking up right now???? So SUCK IT MEAN GIRLS!!!

  133. Now on to you Maya,
    I could not write them and u in the same post.. I know this post was a bit ago but I stopped and just couldn’t help myself. First I almost threw up not with pity for you but that person. You are more amazing and so full of soul. You have so many thinking of you wishing we could help pick you up, do we have to settle for feeling your pain as we read every line you write them. We will try and be strong for you the only way we can by standing strong in your corner while you are a mommy who roars.

  134. Oh Maya, my heart is broken and inspired by your little man’s journey and spirit. My 12 year old boy kept asking to listen to Taylor’s song and I kept putting it off because I had heard it was about a baby with cancer and that is my biggest fear. He kept asking tho, and when we listened, tears ran down both our faces. I found your blog and stayed up 2 nights in a row reading and crying. You’re right, cancer is the swear word. I am Mama to 6 healthy beautiful children and I try to remember to be grateful for that always, but your story has reminded me to let go of the small unimportant disappointments that come and hug my babies tighter and appreciate my husband and our family time every damn day. Thank you for sharing and best of luck on your new tiny miracle. I hope this new baby brings some added joy and puts a few pieces of you back together. Your big boys are darling and obviously so loved. You go girl.
    Love and prayers and happy wishes, Kari

  135. I love your blog. Its inspiring and I kinda know how you feel. No it wasnt my baby taken from me by cancer but my grandma. My best friend in this world was taken by a brain tumor when I was seven and Once i had a choice i stopped going to church because like you i prayed every day for my grandma to get better. I fully support the susan g komen foundation. Because around ks its about the only cancer fund we have. Id love to donate to Ronans charity though.

  136. Maya, This “hater” needs to do exactly what you suggested 1) go volunteer at an Oncology Center 2) go blow it up their asses. I am a mother/grandma who like I`’ve told you have just recently learned of your blog. My daughter and I support everything
    you are doing and have many ideas to make people more aware. We love you and your family. FUCK You Cancer and also you haters. Maya you are the strongest mama I have ever seen.

  137. Maya,
    I read your blog every night, it is like I am right there next to you. I am just as mad and sad for everything that your family is going through. Ronan is a name that we use often in my house. I am a single mother of 2 boys age 15 and 19, and each week we do a “random act of kindness’ in memory of Ronan. The boys love paying for the persons order behind us in the drive thur . We have little cards of Ronan made up explaining who he was and how to contribute to the Ronan Thompson foundation… And the worker will hand them this little card and a purple fight like a Rockstar bracelet and tell them the stranger in the truck that was in front of you paid for your order for Rockstar Ronan. We live Surrey, BC Canada. And you make me a better person Maya, a better Mother…. You have opened my eyes to life. And I thank you for that.

  138. Your blog is disgustingly beautiful. It is disgusting because no child should ever have to endure this cancer crap. No parent should ever have to make these decisions for their children. It is disgusting that people would take all their time to read your words just to bitch. Don’t read it if you have a problem with it. Pretty simple. This blog is beautiful because it is harsh and it is raw. Reading your blog came to me at a time I really needed it. I am so close to finishing my last 2-3 semesters of school and I have been battling myself about continuing after I finish this degree. I have two daughters 2&1/2 and 7months. I am exhausted all of the time and I just have wanted to give up this whole school thing. It has taken me so long to finish this degree it’s sad. But I came across your page and I have been reading non stop for the past 3 months. I now know what I want to do in life. Once I finish my nursing degree I am going to work in pediatric cancer, continue my schooling, and do anything I can to be a part of any childhood cancer organizations. I will do it for me, for you, for Ronan, for my children, and any other child who may or may not ever be diagnosed with this disgusting disease. Thank you for “keeping it real”. Thank you for sharing your venerability. You’re an amazing mother. Much,much love

  139. Good day, Maya. I don’t know how or why I started reading your blog, but I am glad that I did. I am in no way glad about why this blog exists, but I find your words intriguing to say the least. Why? because you are showing a side of “humanism” (I think I made that up) that makes me feel more like I am not an alien. We all have pain and although our pains are totally different, I find that a lot of what you say on here are things that I can relate to. I am so sorry that you lost your son, Ronan. You keep him alive in your descriptions and stories about him, however. Reading this blog as intently as I do, allows me the pleasure of almost meeting your son and experiencing his life. You have pulled me into your story because of the intense love that you express for your son. Its beautiful (for lack of a more powerful word)! Please keep writing. Please keep sharing. I am interested. I want to hear from you. I want to know more about the ugliness of life and the beauty as well. Thank you for being so candid….for having the guts to share your life. Thank you for fighting against cancer.


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