No sugar coating necessary

Ro baby. Today has been a very long day, with no end in sight. Here it is, 1 a.m. and I’ve almost been awake for a full 24 hours. I don’t really know what is going on, but this week has been really, really, hard. I do know what is going on…. you are not here which makes everything feel wrong. Your Daddy is right next to me, out like a light. I envy his sleep. I hope you are bringing him good dreams tonight as he has had awful dreams about you. That makes me sad.

I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I remember trying to fall asleep and my pillow was soon soaked with tears. Silent tears which are the worst. The tears that I am so good at hiding, as I don’t need anyone trying to comfort me because I am o.k. Right, Ro? Nobody needs to worry, because I am going to be alright. Everybody seems to know this, except me. I’m starting to think that everyone is crazy. And here, all along, I thought I was the crazy one. I am learning that I am in fact not. Everyone else is for thinking that I can survive this. Because as of now, I really, really, don’t want to. I just want to be with you and I’m not shy about saying so. I tried last night, to fall asleep in bed with your Daddy like the good wife that I am supposed to be. I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking to myself, how can I possibly sleep, without kissing you goodnight. I wanted more than anything to sneak into your room and find you sleeping in your bed. I got up, went out to the living room and had a flash back of finding you on the couch late one night. I found you, crying softly as you tried to stop the bloody nose that you had. I swear I saw you last night, sitting there again. You are haunting me but not in a good way. In a way that makes me feel so guilty and scared. I replay the images of you at your worst over and over in my head again. It’s like a movie I am watching, where you know the ending is going to be bad, but you just have to keep watching anyway. There is no shutting it off.

Little one. I passed out after starting that last night. Passed out cold. I crawled into the bottom bunk bed where Quinn sleeps, except he was up top with Liam. I curled up in Quinn’s bed, with your GiGi and fell into a deep, dreamless, sleep. I’m sure I had dreams, but I cannot remember. I woke up groggy today and really, really, sad. I put on my best smile, got showered, dressed, and put on my best mommy face for your brothers as I took them to school. After drop off, I came home and now here I sit. In bed. I’m wearing the “Fuck God,” shirt that I had made. Yup. I did. “Fuck God,” on the front and “Fuck Cancer, too,” on the back. Deal with it. If you are up there, Ro…. playing on your white, fluffy cloud, while chasing around Master Yoda, and hanging out with “God,” can you ask him a few things for me?? I have some questions that he needs to answer. I really don’t think “he,” exists, but humor me because everyone else seems to believe in him. Can you ask him, if he is really the one in charge of this world, then why he would have allowed this to happen?? What makes him think that he loves you more than I love you?? Because that is not fucking possible. Then can you please give him a swift kick in the balls for me for taking you away to be with him. What a selfish PRICK. Can you please ask him, if he is real, than what makes him think that you were supposed to be the “chosen one.” I highly doubt you wanted to be the lucky one, to leave this earth, so you could go and do something better with your time. I know all you want is to be here with me. With your Daddy and brothers, playing football or Rockband. Causing trouble every where you went, all while melting everyone who came into contact with you, with your big blue eyes and beautiful, perfect face. Can you ask God, what mother deserves to go thought this?? And how he decides this?? How in the world can he justify the Hell he is putting me through? If he gives you some bullshit answer, such as heaven needed anther angel, can you please kick him in the balls for me again. You are indeed an angel, baby. But not the kind that needed to go to heaven. You were my angel and were meant to be here on this earth, for a very long time. I am really pissed at “God,” and his fucking plan for you. I am your mom, I am the one who was supposed to make a plan for you. My plan, never in a million years, would have involved you getting cancer and dying from it. If God gives you some justifiable answers…. which is bullshit because there are not any…. than I guess you can give him a hug for me. You can also tell him, the only way that I will forgive him is if this life is not truly the life we were meant to live together. That after this Hell of a life that is now mine, the next life I live will be spent with you and we will be together for a thousand years. I will survive this Hell of a life, holding on to that little sliver of hope that you are waiting for me on the other side and we will get to come back to live happily ever after, the next time around. God has a lot of fucking making up to do. Fucking Asshole.

The tears are endless today and I’m not leaving bed until I have to get your brothers from school. I’m hiding today as I deserve to. It’s been a while since I’ve done this and I am feeling really beat down from all the constant going, going, going…..that I have done. Yesterday, I met with Dr. Joanne. I was crying before I even got to the elevator to go up to her office. She had me do some homework that I finished and brought to our session. It involved sitting with the words I had written, 2 days after your diagnoses. I took those words, and wrote myself a letter from you. I read it out loud to her and cried while doing so. We talked a lot about my letter from you. I told her how you always called me, Mama… never Mommy or Mom. I loved hearing the way you called me Mama, so much. It was one of my favorite things about this life. We talked a lot about you, me, and my grief, Inferno Fuckwad Bob. The work I do with her is always hard, but it is worth it as I leave there feeling as if I am making progress. I am surprised how easily is has been for me to just let the floodgates open with her. I know a big part of this is because when Dr. Joanne works with me, she does not push me… she pulls me. There is a big difference and we both know I don’t do well with people who push me. I will instantly throw up a big block wall and you will never get in. It’s my defense mechanism. I like to be pulled; I am o.k. with that. I can handle that.

We sat and talked about how everything I am feeling is normal. She told me that she has worked with a lot of people in her time, but not many choose to face the darkness head on like I am. I appreciated that. Darkness is inevitable in all of this. I don’t want to be afraid of it which is why I am choosing to embrace it, be open and honest about it. I often feel like I am a 10-year-old little girl again, who is lost in a big, black, dark forest. I know I have to keep walking and I cannot stop. I know there will come a time, when the thickness of the trees will clear, a bit of sunlight will peak through, and what awaits me is a huge, open field of flowers with you running through them to get to me. I’m not giving up on that picture, Ro. But I have a lot of walking to do, before I am going to get there. I am not afraid of the dark as long as I have you by my side, in any way shape or form. I know you loved me too much to have left me alone in this world without you. Our love will survive the darkness that surrounds me. You are my little light that will guide me through.

Last night, I went to a concert. Foster the People. FTP. Or as my lovie, who shall remain nameless, called them, “FTP….. yeah, it stands for Fuck the Police.” Dying laughing right now. Her words were in response to some guy that was hitting on her and he asked her if she knew what FTP meant. That was her smartass, genius response. I had a beautiful night, surrounded by amazing music and girls. You would love this band, Ronan. They are freaking amazeballs. If I were 18, I would totally abandon whatever I was doing and follow them around the country. Mark my words, they are going to be HUGE. We saw them play in a really small venue last night which is always the best. I’ll bet the next time that band tours, they will be playing in huge Arenas as I know they are going to blow up. Everybody needs this C.D. in their life. Oh, Foster. How I love you so. Monica…. thank you for swinging that extra ticket my way last night. It was just what the doctor ordered. You are a doll. As for you, FTP….. do you live inside my head? Your C.D., is the soundtrack for this hellish life that I live. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being Rockstars…. I hope you always stay true to your preppy, nerdy, smart, and passionate ways. You will forever own a piece of my heart because your music is such an escape for me. Thank you for being awesome. A band that Ronan would have LOVED. He had the best taste in music.

Alright little man. I’m going to cuddle up to your brothers now. I am tired after my day of crying and being angry at the world. It gets to be exhausting, feeling so many deep emotions that I have no control over. Please visit me tonight. Please let me know you are o.k. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Ronan. This picture haunts me. Those eyes say it all. Did you know? Did you know you were going to leave me all along? Did you know that Mama wasn’t going to be able to save you, even after I promised you I would. I broke my promise to you. I failed you. I let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t fix you. I sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry for everything. I know you forgive me. But I will never forgive myself. Your eyes say it all, Ronan. You knew.

Rain in May

Ronan. I have no idea how I survived today. Actually, I do. It is because you are amazing in everything you do. You were amazing during your time here with us and you are amazing even though you are gone. Gone. It’s a word that I’ll never get used to. I know that was you today; you who made it rain in Arizona in the middle of May. You knew I was going to have a hard day and you know how much I love the rain. It’s one of my favorite things in life; especially now since I don’t get to see it very often. You knew it would make me smile and think of you. You made it pour and you made take the time to be still in breathe in the clean air and just be for a few moments. I know it is making you uneasy how restless I am. I know you are watching me stumble about and I can just hear you saying, “Moooooommmm! Don’t be sad!” I hear you tell me that a hundred times a day. I felt your little kiss on my cheek today as the rain splattered down on my face while I was watching your brothers play on the playground at school. I keep telling myself you sent this rain to me today to make me happy; not because it was your tears pouring down to let me know how sad you are to be away from me. I know, baby. You don’t have to tell me. If anyone understands, it’s me. I miss you too.

I went off to see my therapist today and I was walking up to her office, I thought to myself…”I’ll bet I’m not even here on the right day.” Turns out, I was; but at the wrong time. Shocker. It’s a wonder I can even dress my self appropriately. Sarah worked her magic and just happened to have some time to see me so I was able to get in. I saw “The Good Doctor,” first. I think we said a lot of fuck words together. He kept telling me how fucked up all this was, I kept saying it was fucking bullshit and kept asking him what the fuck I was supposed to do now. He told me he thought it would be a good idea to go and get my arms tattooed with sleeves because that totally makes sense. He was only kidding and it made me laugh. We talked about if I thought anybody failed me during all of this. I told him, no. Everybody in our life went above and beyond for us. The only things that failed us were medicine, doctors, science, and lack of funding. All of those 4 things right there killed my child. Wow. If I could have all of those things in a room with me it would not be pretty picture. I’m pretty sure I would feel no mercy for any of those things and a lot of words would be screamed and maybe a few balls would be cut off. Thanks for killing my child because you don’t have your shit together and have a cure for this disease. My son just died because if this. UnFuckingacceptable. Don’t worry about me…. my son is just another statistic now. So happy he could be of fucking service to you. Thanks for your time. I won’t ever forgive the “doctors,” until a cure is found. And it better happen before I die because if it doesn’t, I could become very old and very crazy. Old and crazy can be a very dangerous combination. You don’t fuck with an old and crazy person. It felt good to talk today. As much as I blab on here, I’m not the best at actually talking to people in real life. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough with someone to talk to them openly about everything that is going on in my head. It’s a good thing that I feel so comfortable with Sarah. She makes it easy for me to open up and say the things that I’m most afraid of. I like the fact that she is not pushy with me in the way that I am feeling or how I am dealing with things. She is very good at guiding me but not pushing. Huge score in my book. I don’t deal well with pushy people. Unless their names just happens to be Fernanda, Stacy, or Auntie Karen. Those 3 can push me at anytime and I usually listen. They know how to work me like a little puppet. Well, almost;)

After I saw Sarah, I ran to meet your daddy for lunch. We grabbed a quick bite and I ate some turkey for you. I tried. I then put on my best mommy boots and went to Liam and Quinn’s school to help out in their classroom. I was nervous about it the entire day; but I knew how important it was for your brothers. It was hard for me to be there…. but I tried my best to stay calm when all I wanted to do was freak out and run away. Being around a lot of people is hard for me and it just feels wrong. I set my anxiety aside and put on my best smile for your brothers. I love them so much and I refuse to let them down by not being there for them if I am able to. We also had their team baseball pizza party tonight. It was very sweet and I am so thankful for the team they were on this year. It has been so therapeutic for them and they loved every second of it. They are sweet, happy boys whom now have to learn to start over with our family. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to go on without the little baby boy who ruled this house for the almost 4 years of his life? We all ate, breathed, drank, everything Ronan. I am not kidding when I say that baby was our entire world. He kept us on our toes, he kept us laughing, he kept us so blissfully happy. It was the 5 of us and we were unstoppable and loved every second about what we had. Now that he is gone, we have to relearn how to be a family again without him. It is the saddest thing in the world. Woody asked me tonight If I think we will ever be happy again. I straight told him No. Or if we do come close to being happy again; it will never ben in the way that we were with Ronan. Ronan was our sunshine. And we all knew it even before he could walk and talk. He was the missing link that fulfilled our family to a tee. Everyday with him was something magical and special. Everyday with him was a gift and even the twins knew this. So now what do we do?? We go away together for a while and try to reconnect as a family; minus our little guy. We don’t have a choice as it is up to Woody and I to stay strong and fix as many broken pieces as we can. We owe it to each other and we owe it to Liam and Quinn. I’m not going to let Ronan down as I know he is watching us.

That is all for tonight my loves. I love you, Ronan to the moon and back. I love you all gorgeous followers. If you give me some time, I will start taking orders for bracelets. I just ordered 1,000 of them but they will take a while to get here. As soon as they arrive I will let you know and take down your info. You can pay for them by making a donation to The Ronan Thompson Foundation. Let’s get the word out to as many people as possible! Ronan’s work is only just beginning! I forget to add tonight that while I was walking out of Fry’s on Tatum and Shea today I saw a big bucket on a display table. It had little flyers about donating to childhood cancer. I got so excited! I then looked in the clear bucket and this was late in the afternoon and it had about 3 dollars in it. I mean really, 3 dollars?? I almost went inside to talk to someone about how maybe they could promote this a little more…. like by putting Ronan’s face on the jar… but I was in a hurry to get to the boys’ school. I threw a 20 in it and I think I’ll go back tomorrow to talk to somebody. Baby steps, baby steps. It’s better than nothing as it’s a start.

I am leaving you tonight with something that many of you are not going to be a fan of so you’d better stop reading here.

But this is what I thought while driving to my therapist today. I had a huge rush of anger wash over me and I said in my head,

“FUCK GOD.” Yup. I said it and I have the balls to say I said it because it was how I was feeling at the time. Angry at this so called “God,” person that just decided to take away my child and not fix it even after all of the prayers and I know there were hundreds of thousands. So why weren’t they answered? Was it really asking too much for you to just help my baby be o.k. and give him back to me? Or maybe you are just a selfish person who wanted him all to yourself because you had never seen such a beautiful boy exist on this planet. Either way, you are a Dick. If you are really all so mighty and powerful like people think this should have been an easy problem for you to fix. I’ve decided that I’m going to have a “FUCK GOD,” shirt made and wear it whenever I hike Camelback Mountain. I have every right to be that pissed. And anyone who gives me crap about saying this…. you’re not entitled. You didn’t just lose the love of your life-like I did. Like Woody did. And like Liam and Quinn did. We have a right to be pissed off and it comes in many different forms. Today, I was pissed off at God and I am second guessing everything he supposedly “does.” He has a lot of making up to do but nothing will even come close because Ronan is not coming back and that is the only thing our family wants.

Sweetest Dreams. Thanks for not judging only embracing. Love you all

xoxo