Rain in May


Ronan. I have no idea how I survived today. Actually, I do. It is because you are amazing in everything you do. You were amazing during your time here with us and you are amazing even though you are gone. Gone. It’s a word that I’ll never get used to. I know that was you today; you who made it rain in Arizona in the middle of May. You knew I was going to have a hard day and you know how much I love the rain. It’s one of my favorite things in life; especially now since I don’t get to see it very often. You knew it would make me smile and think of you. You made it pour and you made take the time to be still in breathe in the clean air and just be for a few moments. I know it is making you uneasy how restless I am. I know you are watching me stumble about and I can just hear you saying, “Moooooommmm! Don’t be sad!” I hear you tell me that a hundred times a day. I felt your little kiss on my cheek today as the rain splattered down on my face while I was watching your brothers play on the playground at school. I keep telling myself you sent this rain to me today to make me happy; not because it was your tears pouring down to let me know how sad you are to be away from me. I know, baby. You don’t have to tell me. If anyone understands, it’s me. I miss you too.

I went off to see my therapist today and I was walking up to her office, I thought to myself…”I’ll bet I’m not even here on the right day.” Turns out, I was; but at the wrong time. Shocker. It’s a wonder I can even dress my self appropriately. Sarah worked her magic and just happened to have some time to see me so I was able to get in. I saw “The Good Doctor,” first. I think we said a lot of fuck words together. He kept telling me how fucked up all this was, I kept saying it was fucking bullshit and kept asking him what the fuck I was supposed to do now. He told me he thought it would be a good idea to go and get my arms tattooed with sleeves because that totally makes sense. He was only kidding and it made me laugh. We talked about if I thought anybody failed me during all of this. I told him, no. Everybody in our life went above and beyond for us. The only things that failed us were medicine, doctors, science, and lack of funding. All of those 4 things right there killed my child. Wow. If I could have all of those things in a room with me it would not be pretty picture. I’m pretty sure I would feel no mercy for any of those things and a lot of words would be screamed and maybe a few balls would be cut off. Thanks for killing my child because you don’t have your shit together and have a cure for this disease. My son just died because if this. UnFuckingacceptable. Don’t worry about me…. my son is just another statistic now. So happy he could be of fucking service to you. Thanks for your time. I won’t ever forgive the “doctors,” until a cure is found. And it better happen before I die because if it doesn’t, I could become very old and very crazy. Old and crazy can be a very dangerous combination. You don’t fuck with an old and crazy person. It felt good to talk today. As much as I blab on here, I’m not the best at actually talking to people in real life. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable enough with someone to talk to them openly about everything that is going on in my head. It’s a good thing that I feel so comfortable with Sarah. She makes it easy for me to open up and say the things that I’m most afraid of. I like the fact that she is not pushy with me in the way that I am feeling or how I am dealing with things. She is very good at guiding me but not pushing. Huge score in my book. I don’t deal well with pushy people. Unless their names just happens to be Fernanda, Stacy, or Auntie Karen. Those 3 can push me at anytime and I usually listen. They know how to work me like a little puppet. Well, almost;)

After I saw Sarah, I ran to meet your daddy for lunch. We grabbed a quick bite and I ate some turkey for you. I tried. I then put on my best mommy boots and went to Liam and Quinn’s school to help out in their classroom. I was nervous about it the entire day; but I knew how important it was for your brothers. It was hard for me to be there…. but I tried my best to stay calm when all I wanted to do was freak out and run away. Being around a lot of people is hard for me and it just feels wrong. I set my anxiety aside and put on my best smile for your brothers. I love them so much and I refuse to let them down by not being there for them if I am able to. We also had their team baseball pizza party tonight. It was very sweet and I am so thankful for the team they were on this year. It has been so therapeutic for them and they loved every second of it. They are sweet, happy boys whom now have to learn to start over with our family. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to go on without the little baby boy who ruled this house for the almost 4 years of his life? We all ate, breathed, drank, everything Ronan. I am not kidding when I say that baby was our entire world. He kept us on our toes, he kept us laughing, he kept us so blissfully happy. It was the 5 of us and we were unstoppable and loved every second about what we had. Now that he is gone, we have to relearn how to be a family again without him. It is the saddest thing in the world. Woody asked me tonight If I think we will ever be happy again. I straight told him No. Or if we do come close to being happy again; it will never ben in the way that we were with Ronan. Ronan was our sunshine. And we all knew it even before he could walk and talk. He was the missing link that fulfilled our family to a tee. Everyday with him was something magical and special. Everyday with him was a gift and even the twins knew this. So now what do we do?? We go away together for a while and try to reconnect as a family; minus our little guy. We don’t have a choice as it is up to Woody and I to stay strong and fix as many broken pieces as we can. We owe it to each other and we owe it to Liam and Quinn. I’m not going to let Ronan down as I know he is watching us.

That is all for tonight my loves. I love you, Ronan to the moon and back. I love you all gorgeous followers. If you give me some time, I will start taking orders for bracelets. I just ordered 1,000 of them but they will take a while to get here. As soon as they arrive I will let you know and take down your info. You can pay for them by making a donation to The Ronan Thompson Foundation. Let’s get the word out to as many people as possible! Ronan’s work is only just beginning! I forget to add tonight that while I was walking out of Fry’s on Tatum and Shea today I saw a big bucket on a display table. It had little flyers about donating to childhood cancer. I got so excited! I then looked in the clear bucket and this was late in the afternoon and it had about 3 dollars in it. I mean really, 3 dollars?? I almost went inside to talk to someone about how maybe they could promote this a little more…. like by putting Ronan’s face on the jar… but I was in a hurry to get to the boys’ school. I threw a 20 in it and I think I’ll go back tomorrow to talk to somebody. Baby steps, baby steps. It’s better than nothing as it’s a start.

I am leaving you tonight with something that many of you are not going to be a fan of so you’d better stop reading here.

But this is what I thought while driving to my therapist today. I had a huge rush of anger wash over me and I said in my head,

“FUCK GOD.” Yup. I said it and I have the balls to say I said it because it was how I was feeling at the time. Angry at this so called “God,” person that just decided to take away my child and not fix it even after all of the prayers and I know there were hundreds of thousands. So why weren’t they answered? Was it really asking too much for you to just help my baby be o.k. and give him back to me? Or maybe you are just a selfish person who wanted him all to yourself because you had never seen such a beautiful boy exist on this planet. Either way, you are a Dick. If you are really all so mighty and powerful like people think this should have been an easy problem for you to fix. I’ve decided that I’m going to have a “FUCK GOD,” shirt made and wear it whenever I hike Camelback Mountain. I have every right to be that pissed. And anyone who gives me crap about saying this…. you’re not entitled. You didn’t just lose the love of your life-like I did. Like Woody did. And like Liam and Quinn did. We have a right to be pissed off and it comes in many different forms. Today, I was pissed off at God and I am second guessing everything he supposedly “does.” He has a lot of making up to do but nothing will even come close because Ronan is not coming back and that is the only thing our family wants.

Sweetest Dreams. Thanks for not judging only embracing. Love you all

xoxo

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90 thoughts on “Rain in May

  1. Cheryl

    No judging allowed, you have every right to be upset and angry. It is such a big loss, not counting all the other folks who have this crappy ass disease. Sometimes it don’t make sense to even try to figure it out. Try to rest and get some sleep and hopefully you will have a better day tomorrow. Lots of hugs to you, Woody, Liam and Quinn. Love you Ronan to the moon and back!!! Xoxo

  2. megan

    If people judge you for your thoughts…then fuck them. You are entitled to think what you think etc…you and your family are still loved no matter what.

  3. Laura

    Glad for the rain today. It made lots of people smile. I’m glad you were able to help out in you boys room today..I’m due they were thrilled to have you there. I also glad you found a therapist that you connect with, and is helping. I’m proud that you are taking good steps forward. Don’t worry what other think, no one has been in your shoes. All our love to your entire family. Keep writing it is good therapy to get it all out.

  4. Trish

    I do love your honesty – always have – always will. And you go right ahead and be mad at God. I’d be mad too. So freaking mad! And I think the God I love so much is mad too because it just wouldn’t make any sense if He wasn’t. I think He hates what happened to Ronan – I think He must really, really HATE IT! I think that He hates it so much that … well, I think He hates it so much that He did what He could so that after everything, baby Ro could at least be with Him since he can’t be with you. That’s what I think.

  5. Angela

    You speak my language. I can’t blame you one bit. Let it out. It’s okay to pissed off. You remind of me when I was going through a tough time in my life and I’m still dealing with it today. It’s okay to feel angry. Just remember don’t forget to laugh. I know it’s tough but it sounds like you have your head on shoulders. You have good people around you. Take care. You are one tough cookie ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. Lisa

    You are so right on point with the last part of your post today. My kids ask why does “god” make bad people…and you have to answer even harder fucking questions to your two little guys. It’s all messed up. Wear that shirt proud girl.

    ….I think your path to curing this bastard disease is in your writing. Somebody needs to publish you. You kick ass.

  7. RONANS FAN

    I agree, after all this fuckin bullshit ive asked myself the same ? Why the FUCK did this person called God take ur sweet Ronan, u have every right to be pisses upset call him a dick! Hell i called him a fuckin douch bag after all this happened. So many people prayed begged pleaded, they say prayer works”well not this fuckin time! Im so angry with him to’ really has made ? My faith as well, its like WHY Ronan??? Why not some stupid ass murderer, child molester, rapist? WHY RONAN? Seriously’ a family who was completly happy in life. I just dont get it nor will i ever! Pisses me the FUCK OFF, but i do believe with all of this u will stand strong and when u fall thats okay too. U have so many people who will pick u up, i know great things are to come for Child Cancer (just wait u wait cancer Mayas in a mission to beat ur ass), so not one more child will ever go thru this’ Maya im so thankful u continue to write, each night i wait to get my nightly twitter that uve posted! Ur all in my heart’ Each and everyday! Just know the world is behind u’ and with each person whos spreading the word, that ur Ronan will never be forgotten!
    Goodnite Maya nothing but sweet dreams!

    Ps i so rocked my rockstar ronan shirt’ and told as many people as i could that passed by to just look up ur blog’ ur truely amazing!

  8. jenn

    Maya
    I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal , if not I must be insane right along with you , because I felt the same way when my mom died . The whole time she fought her battle she told us god was going to heal her and at the end she told us it was still a miracle if she went to heaven . Well I didn’t think it was any great miracle to lose the only person who was always there for me . So yes I too thought god was very cruel. The only thing that puts me at ease just a little bit is at least god waited for her eight children to be married ,I can’t speak for my siblings but I don’t no what I wouldve been like without my husband holding me up and my two children to push forward for. As always you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers .

    1. Glenda

      Jenn,

      This is so true. I too lost my mom in 2004 to this awful disease. I too am married with 2 kids. I lost my dad when I was 13 and always worried about losing my mom growing up. Not a nice feeling. When I lost my mom I was so thankful to have my hubby and especially my two kids to keep me pushing forward. Thinking of you too!

      1. jenn

        Glenda,
        Thank you , I actually lost my dad a year and a half after my mom died. It was torture to watch him wonder around lost after he lost my mom it wasn’t as bad as when my mom died cause I knew that’s where my dad wanted to be was right beside my mom .it just sucks that they never got to now my kids or vice versa because I no my children would have loved them! Although they are not here in person I know they are watching me and my children and smiling .

  9. Glenda

    Maya, you are so entitled to have anger. I’m glad you are trying to stay busy with Liam and Quinn’s school. Sweet dreams!!! Hope you have happy dreams with Rockstar Ronan! to the moon and back! xo

  10. Paula

    I love that ronan is sending you strength and love.

    No one in their right mind would judge you after everything that you family has been through and still going through.

    You can say FUCK YOU to who ever that’s the very least your entitled to. XXXX

  11. Lisa F

    Maya,
    You have every right to feel that way, if people judge, you don’t want them in your life! The fact that you are functioning is a credit to the love you have for Ronan & your family, I’m sure that at times just breathing takes effort…..
    Am sending you much love & big hugs xxxxx

  12. Alicia

    Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t burned down a church! Get your shirt, wear it & if anyone gives you shit for wearing it tell them to fuck off & throw one of Ronan’s bracelets at them. โ™ฅ

  13. Sarah J

    I think at this point you have the right to scream, yell and kick and say whatever the fuck you want to say. :). Just saying…and you’re right by now there sure be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel with this disease. Kick ass and take names mama. SJ

  14. Jessica-June

    Maya, I have felt the same way in my life for many unfortunate and simply fucked up reasons. It takes a strong person to admit their anger in “God” to others because there are a lot of fucking crazy people out there who simply don’t get how anyone can have such anger. It is totally valid and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. Keep on living, that’s all you can do. Live for Ronan because he can’t anymore. Live for Woody because he needs you now more than ever. Live for Liam and Quinn so that they know they can keep on living too. Most importantly, live for yourself because “God” doesn’t deserve to have both of you yet, Ronan is somewhere cheering for his amazing Mama so that you never give up fighting.

  15. understanding

    You are the most wonderful passionate mother on the planet!! You have every right to question whomever you want at this juncture of your life. I can’t even begin, nor would I want to imagine what you are going through each and every day as a family. I have lost people that are close to me in my life, but when I read your blog and look at my babies every night I think of you and tears fill my eyes. Ronan is a remarkable child who will live through out his beautiful family forever! Do anything that will bring any bit of happiness for your family right now, anyone who judges you has never walked a step in your shoes!

  16. Cheska

    Your anger is palpable in your writing! Go buy a dozen eggs, no… make it the 18 pack. Go into your bathroom, and start chucking them against the shower wall. Messy??Yes… but it is damn cathartic!

  17. Jennifer Benedict

    No judgements just understanding as I have asked God myself how he could not just save this one beautiful brave little boy who fought so hard? Truly Maya I am inspired everyday by you & Ro. Your strength is there in full force I know this because I hear your strength in your post even though numbness and the Anger. You said Ronan sent the Rain and I am SURE you are right because “When you feel you don’t have the strength to weather the storm all you can do is dance in the rain” and he wanted you to dance in the rain! Maya I will take your words anyway I can get them because I have learned more in my 38 years from you and Ronan then from anything else in life and going forward will put those lessons to use everyday thanks to your Son. Thank You Maya for being so brutally honest and allowing us to support you in this… Maya’s Mafia will fight for that cure as long as it takes!

  18. Jennifer Benedict

    โ€œWhen you feel you donโ€™t have the strength to weather the storm, all you can do is dance in the rainโ€ I am glad you took that hike and danced in that rain!

  19. Gina

    Much love goes out to you and your family. Ronan has truly made me a better person. As for judging? If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 37 years is that’s not my job. I will continue my journey to get the word out on childhood cancer. And I will still pray for you and your family always. With much sadness and love, Goodbye sweet Maya.

  20. C

    Maya,
    I was raised in a very evangelical Christian home, but since the age of 28 or so (35 now)….I’ve really been struggling with the idea of God. Is there a God? If so, does he really send people to hell just because they happened to be raised Muslim or Jewish? If so, why does he have to be so fucking mysterious? And especially, if so, why does he let little babies suffer and why do families get torn apart?

    I’ve been following your story through mutual friends (I lived in Phoenix before moving to KC), and I think you are totally legit in everything you wrote. When you lost Ronan, I called my mom crying and saying, how could your so-called God let this happen? She is a strong Christian and we don’t see eye to eye on most “God” things these days. She didn’t claim to know, but she sent me a link to a song about an hour after we hung up. You might say fuck this song. Or you might find it helpful. I dunno.

    What I took from it was this: I don’t think there is a big man in the sky pulling the strings. That’s bullshit. I think that the idea of God is IN US, in the people around us, in the love. Love is the only thing I know is real. You’ve experienced the divine in your amazing husband, your twins, your family, your friends, and especially your Ronan. You are held and will always be held. You don’t need the idea of a bearded mystery man who allows little boys to die while he turns his back. “God” is really each of us…the mystery of eternity that we all want is simply, love. The only thing that can’t die is love.

    “There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love – the only survival, the only meaning.”
    Thornton Wilder

  21. Amy

    Just wanted to tell you that anyone who would judge you for your thoughts doesn’t deserve to be following this journey that you have so graciously decided to share with us! Even though I never met Ronan, I often lay in bed at night thinking the same thing…I’m just not quite as brave as you to say it out loud yet ๐Ÿ™‚ (and let me tell you, I can only wish I was as brave as you!)! But girl…I must have thought it a million times over! I can’t wait to hear that the bracelets have made it in. I plan on buying a boatload of them and handing them out to people…Especially those bitching about the little things in life that they think are so terrible. Your family is freaking amazing, and I sure hope I have the honor of meeting you in person one day! Oh, and a friend of mine posted on facebook a picture of a rainbow in Phoenix…I knew the minute I looked at it had to be Ronan. Rainbows in Phoenix in May?! There’s no other explanation!

  22. Dawn

    NO judgement here. You have every right to feel the way you do. I am angry too!
    When you are ready to let us know about getting bracelets. I have a funny feeling you will have to order more than 1000:)
    We will all buy so many and hand them out- I promise! You have so many people that will do what they can to keep educating and find a cure.
    When you are up to it, I would love for you to share with us what you learned about cancer so we can start there and move forward….do the doctors know anything about it?
    xoxoxo

  23. Nicole

    No judgement, Mama Maya. You are an amazing mother, writer, and person. You are going to kick some cancer bootie! I just know it!!!

  24. Lisa

    Hi – I don’t know you, but a friend of mine posted your story on Facebook. I don’t blame you for being pissed off at God! You have a right. I have two boys -8 and 9 – and I’m sure I would feel the same way. I also know what your mean by Ronan being your “sunshine”. Who knows why things like this have to happen – you could try to take some comfort, If that’s possible, in the fact that you and Ronan have touched so many people and are making a difference in hopefully finding a cure to this horrible disease. Take care of yourself and your family – (I would usually say “God bless you or you’re in our prayers”, but I’m sure you don’t want to hear that right now)!

  25. Rose

    You have every right to be angry Maya, and it is not for anyone else to judge what you say or how you feel. Others don’t have to like it, but if they try judging or condemning you for it – FUCK THEM TOO!!! None of us lost our baby a week and a half ago and until we’ve walk in your shoes we’ll never know what you feel.

  26. Alicia Young

    Maya
    You have every right to be upset and question all of the things in our lives that are supposed to work out for the better. You are human and your thoughts and feelings are
    justifiable. How can something like neuroblastoma, exist and there is no education about it. Why is it not more ‘talked about’ more with parents from doctors? I never even knew of this until I found out about Brooke Hester and your Ronan. Children are our angels sent to us from Heaven. Why havent more doctors taken on the responsibility to find a cure for this. How is it that so many people live and breath every day as survivors of other cancer’s but there isnt enough research about this cancer to be able to save lives? Its frustrating to me, so I can only imagine how frustrating it is to you. You have so many followers now, and with God’s will, Ronan’s story will be spread by so many that hopefully someone somewhere has the power to make this a more relevant issue in the medical world. I promise I will do my part in spreading the word, as Im sure many of your followers will as well.
    I hope today you are filled with love. Love from your family and friends and love from us, complete strangers who care about you so much.

    Always and Always.
    Alicia
    Fort Worth, Texas

  27. Christy mcqueen

    I think God understands your anger. I wouldn’t feel bad about being angry. I won’t try to tell you what the reason for all of this is cuz I’m only human and I mourn for your loss. You and your family are amazing….love, from kelso

  28. Lea

    Maya, you have the right to grieve and you have the right to be angry. Allow yourself every emotion that comes to you with out guilt, including laughter, because it’s so good for your soul! I think you’re doing the best job you can do right now and that is good enough! Don’t worry about what other people think, for it’s not their job to stand and judge you! I’m a Christian woman and in no way shape or form would I stand and judge you for how you feel because I haven’t traveled in your shoes….and being a mom myself, I’m pretty sure I’d be having some similar conversations with the universe and ‘God’. Take care, hope you have some more Lulu Lemon type of moments today! She was classic!

  29. A friend

    Maya,

    I have read your blog from the start. In the morning I check my e-mails and read your blog. I have hoped and prayed; laughed and cried with you. I appreciate that you have shared your raw emotions with all of your “on line” friends.

    I have never posted a comment before, but felt compelled after reading your blog this morning. I know that you are angry with God — but this is the same God — who brought Woody to you, that gave you the twins and Ronan. God is not Santa Clause or a jennie who grants our wishes. He wants to be in a relationship with you in the good times and the bad. Don’t cut off communication with God — yell at Him. I know He can take it. He will bring you peace and comfort.

  30. amy

    You rock. Seriously, you rock. As always, thanks for sharing your deepest emotions with us in such a raw manner. Didnt stop thinking of Ronan yesterday as a gorgeous double rainbow lit the skies of north scottsdale. The most beautiful rainbow EVER. Stopped cars driving down the street just to get pictures! xoxoxo

  31. Lulu

    I sit at my computer almost everyday and cry my eyes out as I read your blogs. I have been a Layla Grace follower and that is where I heard about your beautiful lil Ronan. His eyes where what got me ๐Ÿ˜‰ I can’t imagine the pain and emtptiness you are enduring and I pray for you several times a day bc there is no reason a child should ever be taken so soon or have to endure what he did. Through your blogs I have learned to appreciate the blessings in my life and to not take my sons life for granted, but to embrace every moment I have with him. And I know other moms can agree with me! So, thank you for sharing your Ronan with us!

    When we are faced with such adversities in life, I know we say “God, why me?” but it’s those times when God says “because I know, YOU will change this world bc of this.” And I know that strong women like you are going to make sure a cure is found and SO MANY children’s lives are going to be saved bc of you ๐Ÿ˜‰ It’s the devil we need to be sooooo angry at, he’s the one that causes such termoile in this world..so F-U- Satan! I look forward to reading more about how you are going to change this world as a cure will soon be found, I just know it will! xoxo

  32. Grace

    You have every right to be angry as hell because none of us can quite understand what you are feeling right now, because you were the mother of the most stunning, sunny boy I have ever read about/seen and none of this makes sense, just like life never does. I personally agree, if “god” controls everything and everyone why would he do something like this? It’s unspeakable, I can’t put it into words. You will definitely fuel enough effort and motivation to find a cure for this disease, I totally am buying bucket loads of your bracelets and distributing them in my school/neighborhood. Tell me when they are available. I really hope you know how many people are supporting you and behind you here, because all of us plus your strength will easily outweigh any more chances of his disease taking away more lives o innocent, beautiful, pure children. I think it is amazing you are staying so strog through all of this, for Ronan’s brothers, father, you and him self. I definitely agree that Ronan is watching you and sends you messages like through he rain, it’s so amazing how you can feel peoples energy everywhere. Liam and Quinn’s baseball game-celebration sounded really cute, it reminds menof when I would go to my cousin’s baseball games. Please keep staying strong, because Ronan would have wanted you to.

  33. Kate

    big hugs maya. this whole god thing is seeming less and less likely….why would such a force take innocent beautiful souls from our arms? and allow hateful, sick people who hurt others survive? is there no order in the universe? i think not. praying has always brought me peace, like i have some control over what happens….but i’m not so sure anymore. and ronan has confirmed that uncertainty. XO

  34. nikita hart

    Maya your sons story has touched my heart dearly and I read every post u post. I will not judge you, who am I to judge. I will say I don’t know you, but I love you and your family. That beautiful little boy that will forever live inside your heart has changed my life forever! You are absolutely amazing and I am inspired by your strength! I know your mad at God as you have every reason to be pissed off and say fuck God. We don’t always understand hos actions or doing, but at tjr end his love is endless and will forever be with us. I know he has your little ronan and that little man will see you through everyday until you meet again. I know your hurting, breaking feeling as though all you can do is give up. Your strong and as each day goes by you will get stronger. I picked up this book it called “Heaven in for real” its about a 4 year old little and his journey to heaven! Please pick it up and read it! I wish I could hug you and cry together as my heart goes put to you and your family. I love you all and if you can remember one thing please know God loves you too! Ill be in touch”

  35. Dawn

    I myself love your brutal honesty. I think that is how you got so many people to fall in love with you and your family (well that, and seeing one glimpse of your precious Ronan). You don’t sugar coat anything, which is what I find so amazing about you. I don’t have a doubt in my mind that in the near future we will be reading your published book, watching you on national television, and seeing Ronan’s foundation being the largest foundation there is fighting to find a cure for neuroblastoma.
    Sending all my love and prayers as always!

  36. Erin Riek

    Maya,
    I honestly don’t know how you do it. I laid in bed last night reading your last couple posts and I just felt so sad. I ended up going in, AGAIN, and waking my poor 10 month old son out of a deep and peaceful sleep and just holding him in my bed. He on the other hand was not happy and the whole thing ended up being a bad idea, poor kid hasn’t gotten a peaceful nights rest since I started reading your blog and I’m beginning to take a beating from his grumpiness during the days. But I realized what your huge loss has given to me and I have to say THANKYOU! Thankyou for making me love and appreciate even more than I ever thought I possibly could, every moment with my children through your words. I’m just so sorry you had to be the one to lose such a beautiful, sweet little man. I do not blame you one bit for your anger with god. I can feel your pain when I read your blogs so much that I just lay there and cry and I haven’t lost a child. My sister-in-law lost her 2 year old son about 4 years ago. He was run over on accident by his grandfather out on their farm and he died in his mothers arms on the way to the hospital. I remember thinking how this would be something that a mother and grandfather would never be able to get over. That last image would be stuck in your mind forever. You hear all the time that god never gives you more than he knows you can handle. Well 3 years later her husband was diagnosed with Leukemia and died about a year after his diagnosis. I just didn’t get it. Still don’t. I mean what exactly does god think this young mother and wife is actually made out of? I don’t think it is something that we will ever understand. Just know that because of this, you have gained so many supporters and you have so much love and so many thoughts coming your way. I hope you have a great day today full of little reminders that your son is looking down on his mama and he is so proud for everything that she is doing and has given to us readers.

  37. Jera

    Right?! So many great replies. I would be mad as hell. I don’t fucking get it either. You are the real deal Maya and kudos for being real. I wish Ronan was with you and not god. What bullshit!

  38. Marie Brigman

    If some is judging while reading YOUR blog they can Fuck Off too! Anyone who really cares about you and Ronan would NEVER do that. Maybe it’s best those people leave now anyway. Try to do something today that you love.xooxo

  39. Chris

    Agreed… Fuck “God”… At the very least he should be fired for sleeping on the job. If he does exist, and he is a dude, I am going to kick him square in the balls if I ever meet him. To make any child or family suffer like this is ri-dam-diculous. I NEED one of those bracelets. I’d be honored to fight this disease with you. Your an amazing mother and an amazing person. You and Ronan have inspired thousands and soon to be millions…. The rest of this message is for “God”…

    Dear God,
    Your Fired!!!!!
    Sincerely,
    Another unsatisfied customer…

  40. Ash

    last night, I was watching Modern Family and they twice referenced Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”. Made me think of you and how strange that keeps coming up.

    1. Dawn

      I saw the same show too and knew Ronan had something to do with it. He will find many ways to keep us on our toes and to never forget!

  41. Arayah

    Big hugs today.
    Be mad at who ever and what ever you want, you lost a child. That is every mothers worst nightmare. You have every right to hate the world.
    Reading your posts reminds me of some of the feelings I had when I lost my mom. You know that saying what ever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? It’s bullshit, time numbs some of it and you learn to live with what’s left.

  42. KG

    You have every right to my mad! You might not want to hear it put this way but I do think it was part of a plan to have this happen to Ronan, you and your family because of the fire you have within each of you. Do you know how many moms would have had this happen to them and lock up or shut it out of their mind like it didn’t happen? Way too many. Not you Maya, you are a fighter. You are still fighting for your son, you are fighting to build awareness and you are fighting to find a cure. You ARE making a difference and you’re bringing others with you. I have started my path to volunteering at the Children’s Hospital and fundraising specifically for this horrific disease, a disease that before you and Ro I knew nothing about. I know I am not alone in the sense of urgency to step up this fight against childhood cancer. Your son is fighting to save the lives of other children and I think that is a plan. Ronan has made more of an impact on people in 4 years than 99% of of people do in their entire lives and I think that is part of a plan. Your honesty, your fight and your courage inspire people every day- so be mad, hate God, miss Ro and save lives.

  43. Michelle

    I think it is healthy to let out your emotions!! I have felt that way before, and it sucks!!
    I think you should make and wear your T-shirt until you feel Gods love embracing you. You are an amazing lady who God has chosen to fight for your son and also for the many other children who need your voice.

  44. Kris

    Couldn’t agree more with you. Together we are going to raise the funds to find a cure…and together we are not going to let another child die. Your little Rockstar is doing amazing things. He is changing the world.

  45. Kendra

    When I lost my grandma five years ago, I felt the same way. I’m not religious at all nor am I even sure if I believe in God, but if he existed I wanted to kick his ass. And even more than that, I wanted to punch every single person who tried to “save” me. In my opinion… none of their damn business. So I’m with you all the way on this.

    Loved your thoughts about the rain. I too have been amazed at this weather… you know how unpredictable the weather in Washington can be in May. It rained non stop for the first part of the month, but on Ronan’s birthday the sky was so blue, I couldn’t help but think the sun was shining just for him. And on the day of his service, it rained harder than it has in a long time. I felt like the world was crying for him. If any thoughts can comfort you right now, let it be just knowing that your boy will never be forgotten, and he is going to be the reason behind so many great things. He is truly a rockstar and I know he is going to keep on rockin.

  46. Erika

    No judgment, Maya, and I truly admire how you manage to go through the motions of your daily life. I cannot imagine how hard it is and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

    As far as God goes, I’ve had a lot of trouble with him/her/it lately, what with trying to make sense of the mystery, the hypocrisy, the cruelty that seems to be just as much a part of him as that supposed “unconditional love” Christianity teaches. That he’d allow children like Ronan to suffer and die is probably my biggest beef of all.

    But, I read something interesting recently that made a lot of sense to me … it’s a book written by a woman who had a near-death experience (supposedly), and she actually went to “heaven” and had a chance to spend some time with Jesus and ask him every question she’d ever wanted to ask. So, I have to say I’m not all that big a believer in the entire premise of her book, but this one anecdote captured my attention: one of the questions she asked was about suffering … why so much suffering in the world? The answer, apparently, is that compared to the infinite time of the universe and God, our time here on this planet is almost unimaginably short. Our souls are eternal, which means they were here before we came to earth and will continue after. Earth was created as a training ground for our souls, and our souls actually had a chance to choose what their growth experiences would be here on earth, even going so far as to choose what our hardships would be during our time here. (So we can’t blame God entirely … if you buy this, we actually had a hand in our earthly destiny.) And we even chose things like dying of cancer or losing children, but we weren’t afraid because a) we knew the ultimate good that would come of it for our soul was worth it and b) we understood the relative brevity of the experience we’d have to endure versus the rest of eternity. Our experiences are designed to fortify not only our own souls, but also those we come into contact with. And all was designed so that our souls would grow here and be better prepared for whatever follows.

    This probably sounds perilously close to the “everything happens for a reason” blather, but if you think about it … Ronan had a very important mission to accomplish during his short life (he’s already touched thousands of us). And you described him on more than one occasion as an “old soul” … and you may be more right than you know. Maybe Ronan the little boy didn’t understand his fate or his mission, but his soul did. Also, the period of suffering and loss you feel now is nothing compared to the eternity you’ll get to spend with him … maybe there’s some amount of comfort or hope to be found there. I hope so, Maya. I wish comfort for you and your whole family.

  47. Julie

    I told Ronan’s story today, a local radio station was having a fundraiser for breast cancer, called bras for a cause, and they had women coming and giving their old bras and donating, well a few people got upset said they are tired of hearing about breast cancer, I had to agree with them and I explained about Ronan and how you never hear about neuroblastoma it doesn’t get any publicty because no one wants to talk about it, well I gave them Rockstar Ronan’s website along with the layla grace foundation in hopes that someone goes to read them and realizes where the money should be going too! you are not judged at all Maya, Ronan’s story has broke my heart to pieces I look at my son and see Ronan all the time and it brings me to tears almost everyday, I hope by just giving them Ronan’s name it educated maybe just one person and made them aware.

    HUGE HUGS and prayers
    Julie – Michigan

  48. Jennifer D

    Dear Maya,
    Go ahead….just give God everything you’ve got–scream, rage, bottomless sorrow, and oh that Anger. Give it all to Him, because He can take it. He created your special Ronan to be the person he was for a very special purpose. I don’t believe for one second it was ever in God’s “plan” for Ronan to get cancer. Cancer is evil. But God will find a way to make sure that His purpose for Ronan is fulfilled. God can take everything you’ve got and then some….and the beautiful thing about God’s love for us is that He’ll find a way to turn all that darkness into sunshine and use it for His good purpose. This I truly believe, because I know God is Love. Whether you feel it or not, I know that you are being held in His loving arms right now (just like the Natalie Grant song says), with your Ronan’s warrior spirit always by your side. Your strength is so palpable, even when you are crumbling to pieces! Use your strength and anger in whatever way necessary to get you through this, because I see amazing things happening out there through you and Ronan. Don’t give up–BELIEVE in the power of LOVE!
    Like you, I love to hike, and frequently talk to God during my hikes. Many years ago, while going through some tough times, I began collecting heart-shaped rocks. I would find them on my hikes, usually while lamenting my troubles to God. I began to see them as my “love notes” from God. This morning on my regular hike, I was sobbing and feeling tremendous sorrow for you and another family I know who just tragically lost their son….WHY GOD!!?? During the duration of my hike, every time I looked down, I was seeing heart-rocks, I mean everywhere–it was as though they were jumping out of the ground! I couldn’t keep them all, but for each one I found, I picked it up, said a prayer, and placed it in a conspicuous spot. I know God was listening to me today, and I know He listens to everything in your heart too, so go ahead and let Him have it!!

  49. Starlene DeBord

    I FINALLY figured out how to leave a message!!!!! Don’t apologize for anything you write!!!! If that is how you feel GO FOR IT!!!!! No one knows how you feel until you let them know!! And if what they read offends them OH WELL! No one should judge anyone until they walk in the other person’s shoes!!

    There are many stages in the grieving process and one of them is anger!!! I personally think you are a VERY STRONG woman! You and your family did everything in your powers for your little man! Keep up the AWESOME job! Hug Liam and Quinn extra tight!!!!

    Starlene DeBord

  50. Jaime Harris

    God loves you Maya and He understands your anger and feels your pain. My heart breaks for you. I am sorry you are carrying sooo much anger and pain. It’s not fair you had to endure such an ordeal. Continuing to pray for you and hold you in my thoughts.

  51. Renae C.

    Maya,
    Ronan’s picture is in our kitchen, where “shit” happens (referring to Lulu girl,which i believe it may be Brianna;) & my 20 yr old is trying to read your journey and put the words together to create a “beat” for his “rap” lyrics, while my 13 yr old is sharing Ro’s life with friends,my 9 yr old is still confused & my 3 & 4 yr old are running around telling daddy that the purple baloons flew away up up into the sky for “Roronian”& as my husband & I listen &observe all of this, our eye’s start to swell with tears, our hearts are broken,like many other hearts. Because of Ronan, I now don’t get upset when my kids spill milk or juice on my clean floors, eat gold fishes on my freshly vacuumed carpet, don’t wear what i want them to wear, I don’t lecture when they forget lunch money, I don’t scoll when beds are not made or get frustrated when everyone in our family is sick with strep! Because of you Ro, our lives have changed for the better. We still continue to have structure,however,it’s pliable. Love to the Ro and the family.

  52. marilyn

    my dear you have every right to be mad i read your blog everyday i lost my dad to fucking cancer i hate that word cancer i to at one point was mad at the lord but your feeling of losing a child i couldnt even imagine the feelin i have two kids of my own so no one has the right to judge your pain or your feelings right now not even the lord i would love to get a braclet from you please send me the web site to donate to your cause

  53. Shayla

    Maya, now I see how Ronan was able to fight and stay strong for as long as he did, because he had you as his mom. Quinn and Liam are fortunate to have you as their role model. Those boys will grow-up to be bright, confident, loving men because of you . You’re entitled to give a big FUCK YOU to whoever you want! So Fuck You cancer, Fuck You doctors who have failed to find a cure, and Fuck You world for being selfish and turning your cheek at this cruel disease until it smacks you in the face. Unfortunately, I “was” part of that world until clicking on Ronan’s beautiful face on a friend’s facebook page. My life hasn’t been the same since. I will never live another day the same, so thank you Maya, you’re amazing.

  54. Jaime Harris

    Along the Road”
    I walked a mile with Pleasure;
    She chattered all the way.
    But left me none the wiser
    For all she had to say.
    I walked a mile with Sorrow
    And ne’er a word said she;
    But oh, the things
    I learned from her
    When Sorrow
    walked with me!
    -Robert Browning, Poet

    They that sow in tears, shall reap in joy.
    -Psalm 126:6

    The Lord God will wipe all tears from all their faces.
    -Isaiah 25:8

    Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
    -Matthew 5:4

  55. Sarah

    Maya,
    What a beautiful name! It fits you! I am literally crushed by this whole story. I just started to read your blog the day after Ronan passed away. I have 2 boys 2 and 4. I can’t even imagine all the pain you’re in and I just want to tell you how truly sorry I am! I stayed up for a week straight reading and crying at night. And we know of a boy who has almost the exact same story here in Seattle area who passes a few years ago and started the Ben Towne foundation.
    After I read your blog and knowing another family who has had to go through this atrocity I have decided that this is the charity I want to focus my energy, time and money on! I called the city about hosting a 5k. My husband thinks I might have lost my mind since I haven’t even ran one yet! But your story, your loss, your precious boys pain is totally touching hearts and lives.
    God is love, so where there is love, that’s Him. Where there is loss on this earth which is not heaven it’s the enemy. They are opposing! Being a Christian I have read a lot in the bible on the fall of this earth which happens way back long ago and our time here now is not perfect or all controlled by God. There is an enemy.. The bible says he comes to steal, kill and destroy.
    I don’t judge you for being angry at God one bit! I’m pretty sure any of us would feel that same way. There is a book called “The Shack” that addesses what God might say about such tragedies. The author lost his daughter in a brutal assault and murder in the book. You might like reading it someday. And another book I’m reading on loss and grief called “A Grace Disguised”. Pretty deep and awesome books when you’re ready.
    You’re AMAZING! And I love your realness!
    Keep being you:) xxx

  56. Meshelle Givens

    Maya, I started following Ronan’s story after I saw it on the Layla Grace website. Ronan is the most beautiful boy I have ever seen and I feel so terrible that he is no longer physically here with you. I had a very close friend lose her son to this disease and it sucked. I felt helpless and didn’t know how to be there for her. I decided the day that he earned his wings to do something about it and at 26 I started school all over again. Pre-med this time in pediatric oncology and I’ve got Neuroblastoma in my sights. You’re right, there is no funding out there…the knowledge on this disease is seriously lacking and it is unacceptable. There is nothing that I can say that will ease the pain of a world without Ronan, but know that there are people like me out there who are working to put an end to this beast. I’ve heard stories like your far too often and as sad as they are I remember the name of each child that I am now fighting for. You are an inspiration and there is no way that anyone can judge you. You have every right to be pissed, hell we should all be pissed. Our children are NOT to be put on the medical backburner! I am so sorry that medicine is not where it should be today, but there is a tomorrow and there are people stepping up to the plate. I will continue to tell Ronan’s story to anyone who will listen and I will never forget the strength and courage that your little boy possessed.

  57. Maureen

    ha! you’re awesome! you have every right to speak your mind and no one has the right to judge. people will be speaking your name and thanking you along the way…for a long, long time. prayers of peace, always.

  58. brandi

    I am so sorry for your loss, my heart breaks for you and your family.
    I do not judge you at all for your anger/bitterness…but as a christian I have to say that God loves you.
    Never did he say that believing in Him / praying / living a christian life would not have struggles and heart ache. Yes, he could have saved Ronan…but He has another plan, just as He could have saved His own son from the cross but didn’t for a bigger purpose.
    I pray for you all the time. As a mother, you are dealing with Ronan’s loss as only a mother knows, but also have the pressure of being strong for your family, to be a mother to your two remaining sons.
    We should all remember that our days here on earth are numbered, anyone of our family members could be gone tomorrow…
    You are God’s child and he loves you. I pray that you will feel peace soon that only he can provide.
    I again am so sorry for your loss.

  59. Kara B

    My heart has been so heavy since reading your blog. My kleenex box is running low… I don’t know how I can be so sad and grieve for a boy I’ve never met. I see him in my own 3 year old. She is so crazy and full of life and I will never take her or my other children for granted again. I don’t know how a “God” could be so cruel as to give you a beautiful baby only to take him away just 4 years later. There is no sense in it. Only know you, Ronan and your family has changed my outlook on life for the better. Peace and comfort to you.

    Thank you for sharing,

    Kara

  60. Amanda Kop

    A friend invited me to this event & I wanted to share it with you. Check out this site – http://www.maxsringoffire.org – the family lost their son to neuroblastoma 3 yrs ago. You may have heard about them but, the fundraiser they are throwing the weekend of June 4th, in San Diego, seems AWESOME! It seems like something right up your alley as far as the causes you are fighting for. Maybe you can post it on your blog and get people to attend!!

  61. Christine

    Zero judgement. If there is anyone more entitled to curse God than a mother who has lost her precious child, I don’t know that person.

  62. Ronda Butterfield

    FUCK GOD times a million! I know your anger. I know it well. My husband did not want a mental illness. He fought like hell to be different. He tried all of the horrible medications that made him fall asleep in the middle of the day, make him feel like a different person, and made him lose all of that weight. Why wouldn’t GOD honor people’s hearts? When someone gives 100% and God just points to this person and says, “NAH.” If God can heal, then why doesn’t he always do it? WHY?? I want an answer! Why did my husband have to feel so much pain in his life that he chose to take it… why? Why are we forced to live on this earth without them and why does each day seem like eternity? Maya, I admire your bravery. I admire your anger. I know my loss was not nearly as devasating as yours. Your son had only three years. You only had three years of your son. I had 8 with my soulmate. 8 was not enough.

  63. Anonymous Agnostic

    Dear God – by XTC

    Dear god, hope you get the letter and…
    I pray you can make it better down here
    I don’t mean a big reduction in the price of beer
    But all the people that you made in your image
    See them starving in the street
    ‘Cause they don’t get enough to eat from god
    I can’t believe in you

    Dear god, sorry to disturb you but…
    I feel that I should be heard loud and clear
    We all need a big reduction in amount of tears
    And all the people that you made in your image
    See them fighting in the street
    ‘Cause they can’t make opinions meet about god
    I can’t believe in you

    Did you make disease and the diamond blue?
    Did you make mankind after we made you?
    And the devil too!

    Dear god don’t know if you noticed but…
    Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book
    And us crazy humans wrote it, you should take a look
    And all the people that you made in your image
    still believing that junk is true
    Well I know it ain’t, and so do you
    Dear god
    I can’t believe in
    I don’t believe

    I won’t believe in heaven or hell
    No saints, no sinners, no devil as well
    No pearly gates, no thorny crown
    You’re always letting us humans down
    The wars you bring, the babes you drown
    Those lost at sea and never found
    And it’s the same the whole world ’round
    The hurt I see helps to compound
    That father, son and holy ghost
    Is just somebody’s unholy hoax
    And if you’re up there you’ll perceive
    That my heart’s here upon my sleeve
    If there’s one thing I don’t believe in

    It’s you
    Dear god

  64. Maureen

    Hi Maya, This is my first time writing to you but I have been reading your blog since the very beginning. I would first like to say how sorry I am for your loss. Those mere words just seem so inadequate, but though I don’t know you personally, your wonderful writing has made me feel as though I walked silently next to you. I’m sure that many others have felt the same. Your being angry with God is perfectly normal. You can’t help but think, why? Why this beautiful innocent little boy? Why not a murderer, or pedophile, or rapist. Though I have never felt the pain of losing a child, I lost the very best thing in my life, which was my dad. I had to watch him wither away from cancer and then be taken. You had mentioned in one of your blogs that you and your husband could not stand the “everything has a reason” or “God had a plan and wanted Ronan for an angel” bullshit. I agree- I got the other end of the spectrum. I got the “well, he was getting up in there in years” and “he’s peaceful and not suffering anymore” crap. As you said, unless someone has walked in these shoes, they have no right- whether it’s to try and make you feel better or not. Because most often, it doesn’t. I am 42 years old and I’m sorry, but that was not long enough for me to have had my dad. So, go ahead and feel what you’re feeling, because you need to do for you and you need to grieve and be angry – A year has gone by since I lost my dad and when I see older gentlemen out and about with their families and grandkids, I sometimes do really hate them..I know you know what I mean. I think your blog is wonderful, but I am sorry that it had to begin with pain. Keep fighting as you’ve been-I worked in a children’s hospital for years, and you are right- not enough is done to raise awareness. Thank you for sharing your beautiful family with all of us…stay strong and keep writing….it definitely helps to get it all out when you’re dealing with so many emotions. Lots of love to you and your family from the East Coast…

  65. Maureen

    Maya- something that I had forgotten to write earlier..you had mentioned doctors that let you down. The hospital where my dad was had these doctors they called “hospitalists”- my personal feeling is that they are useless because no one ever cared for my dad like his own doctor- and of course the wonderful nurses. The hospitalist that read my dad’s first CT scan walked into the room, announced to my dad that he had lung cancer and walked out of the room- just walked out- as if she had taken a deli order and went to give it to the chef…never have I ever wanted to go after someone so badly and throttle them…the audacity- the lack of compassion- I’ve really never wanted to hurt someone as bad as I was hurting- she was supposed to have compassion and yet had none. I still feel like if I ever saw her again I would throttle her- make her feel as horrible as my dad and my family felt that day. So, as i said before- you go on and be angry- it is your right-I know that there are many good doctors out there..but there are some who are not and should really feel what it is like on the opposite side of the coin – perhaps they would change their so called bed-side manner- again- love to you all from the East Coast…

  66. Irene

    Hi Maya,

    I got to your website through another blog that I read. I cried a lot after reading through your posts. I feel so sad for your loss and I hope you can slowly be a bit happier again. I have a 3 yr old son and whenever he is having a cough or flu, my heart already aches so I can imagine how painful you feel as it is hundred and thousand times worse. You still have your hubby and Ronan’s brothers to take care of so you must slowly recover alright. “Hugs”.

  67. Alexis B

    Unrelated to your post…but today I woke up and got a cup of coffee and went to the car. When I got to work I put my cup down and looked at it…it had two bunnies on it and it said ” I love you to the moon-and back”. I immediatly thought of you and Ronan and will forever be inspired by your families story.

  68. Alexis B

    Wow…i am embarassed to call myself a christian when I see things like this. God is totally ok with our anger and questioning of His ways. I am sure He is more shocked by this lack of love and support then He is by a mothers struggle to understand.

  69. stinkerbell514

    Karen,
    Thank you.
    I too read what Leah had to say and have not been able to stop thinking of it since I read it. I have been taught that Christianity is based on LOVE and ACCEPTANCE and for Leah to call herself a Christian is a joke. I was appalled at what she wrote, how hurtful and disgraceful. I just didn’t know what to or if I should reply to it. So, thank you, well said.

    1. Karen

      No, I’m calling you out on your crap….people like you are obviously here to just cause trouble.

      I feel sorry for you. You will never understand what this mom has been through.

      Karen

  70. Amy

    Maya, you are so raw, I almost feel like I am experiencing the same thing as you just by reading your posts. I’m a momma to young babies, and have also endured a horrifying loss of my beautiful young(er) mother to cancer. Endless tears have been produced from my face just from your words. Girl, I feel them in my soul. And I can produce tons of snot, wow…didn’t realize my body could do that. You have a powerful voice in this world, sister. God gave you that strength and passion when he created you, and when he created you, he knew you would be Ronan’s momma, and you are EXACTLY what Ronan needed. Therefore, I believe that God started to show how much he loves and cares for Ronan when YOU you were born. YOU were created for one of the most enormous purposes and privileges in the world, to be a mother to the most beautiful and brave kiddo. Believe it, that you were everything Ronan needed. A mother ordained in heaven just for him..the one who got to make him feel more loved than anyone else possibly could…what a gift you gave to him just by being his momma… Girl you’ve got to believe it.
    Holy sh** I wish all of us could fathom how much God loves your son. I think about how much I love my babies, and I know He loves them even more (how that is even possible, I don’t know…)…he knew them before he formed them in my womb, the hair on their heads were numbered. His love is not always evident to us here on earth. In fact so many times it seems like he hates us. I’ve felt abandoned and betrayed and ignored by Him. What I’ve come to realize is that we are surrounded by a world of imperfection and pain, and it obscures us from feeling the love of God. I know, with all my heart I KNOW, that your little dude is completely immersed that love now. There’s a verse in the Bible that says “Where, O death, is your victory? Where O death is your sting?” Because ultimately your baby has never been away from love…nothing can conquer it. There is no victory in death…no victory to cancer. Cancer allowed your baby to be cradled in the arms of his creator. (I know cancer did some absolutely horrible things as well, just choose not to view it as cancer being victorious. Cancer will never take away your son’s memory, or his legacy, or his inspiration, or the lives changed…)
    Someone once told me that because of how time is in heaven, it will only feel like barely a moment without momma, until you join him once again. Try not to be afraid for him, he is so safe and so loved and I don’t think he feels any pain of not having mommy. Like I said, to him it will be just an instant until you are there. You are probably cringing…I hope I am not disgusting you with this talk. I just know that if nothing else is merciful in this world, we’ve been given a way to see our angels again. You and your family have not been conquered by this evil thing. You may not feel like you have come out on top until you see your baby again…but someday, you will. And then, you will be the victor. I pray you feel Ronan every day, and that you begin to feel the deep, unending and supernatural love that Ronan is experiencing right now. Somehow we gotta believe in something more. Don’t hate me…I know I haven’t walked in your shoes…. I love you as a fellow mother in love with her babes….just want to provide some form of hope…

  71. angry mama too

    I literally laughed out loud at your “Fuck God… he’s a dick” comment. Truer words were never spoken. FUCK GOD. That motherfucker. You rock that t-shirt lady. I’ll buy one if you sell em too.

  72. Christa

    I absolutely believe in God. But I also know I don’t understand Him, so I am not going to try and give you some trite crap about this having a purpose, because that is about the stupidest thing I have ever heard. God can take your anger, so don’t hold back.

  73. Cara

    God Bless you, Woody, Liam and Quinn and Ronan. The first time I saw a picture of him I fell in love with his eyes. He is beautiful and amazing. I am going to donate all the money I get for Christmas and my birthday to the Ronan Thompson foundation. I hope that even just donating $20 will make a difference. Me and my mom heard your story and cried, for a long time we just sat on the couch sobbing. It’s not fair how such a miracle was taken from you. Ronan you are a rock star and we love u Ro!!!

  74. Isabelle Geers

    Maya, I am most definitely not going to change the way I feel about you. You are such a brave, amazing person, and your story brings tears to my eyes. Even though I do not know you, I feel like I do. Truly. I feel like I was right there with you the whole time, just because of the way you describe everything. I hope this won’t insult you, but I pray for you always. But you are right. God shouldn’t have taken your baby whatsoever. I get angry with him too. You have every single right to be angry, unforgiving with him, and I hope that others will understand that. Love, Isabelle

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