Thank you Lulu Lemon girl


Ronan. Everyday without you is stranger and stranger. I am trying to keep super busy, but I am really just existing. Somebody asked me how I was today. I said I was existing so that was better than nothing. I’ve stopped saying I’m fine because I’m not. And I know you know I’m not and you are o.k. with that. Maybe someday I will be o.k.; but as of now , everything is a freaking nightmare. I keep thinking I forgot you at the grocery store or something. I remember feeling this way when you were alive, and if I had dropped you off at school for a few hours. I would go about running my errands and panic because I thought I had left you somewhere when you were really just at preschool. That is how little I was used to be without you. I would give anything to have just left you somewhere now; as awful as that would have been. In the grand scheme of things it would be a whole lot better than this.

Today, I took Liam and Quinn to school. Late. They have been tired lately. Staying up a little too late with us. As of now, Quinn is in my bed with me and is just now falling asleep. He is stuck to me like glue. I don’t blame him…. the poor little guy didn’t want to go to school today. I had a talk with him and told him I would talk to his teacher and if he wanted he could come home later. I think the distraction of school is good for your brothers minds right now. I know I am going to have to get them some counseling. I am meeting with someone Thursday morning to see if she will be the right fit for our family. I cannot tackle this alone. I need some help with my two little guys. As strong as we are as a family, this is all too much for your daddy and I to fully handle. An outside source will be something we will embrace for as long as we need to with your brothers. They need someone else to talk to besides us and someone who has experience in helping out with things like this.

After I dropped of your brother I ran some more “let’s keep you totally busy,” errands. I ran over to The Biltmore to return some running shorts that your daddy had gotten me for mother’s day as they were too big. As soon as I walked in, I was greeted by a bubbly blond girl. She didn’t give me the standard greeting but instead goes, “Heeeeey girl!” I just smiled and said hello. I went about my business and got the things I needed. She met me at the cash register. She asked me what I was out doing and I just quietly told her I was running errands. She then goes, “Oh, getting shit done?” OMG. Who is this girl and how can I be her friend? She totally cracked me up today when nothing is making me laugh. I thought to myself, is this really happening? Did the LuLu Lemon girl really just tell me I was getting shit done?? She did and made my day. As she handed me my receipt, I grabbed one of you F U Cancer bracelets out of my purse and gave it to her. I told her to look you up. She was totally worthy of one of your bracelets. If only more people in the world could be so candid and real. I LOVE REAL PEOPLE. So thanks, LuLu Lemon girl. You made a very sad girl, giggle on the inside the entire day today. It felt nice.

I did a really good job of keeping myself busy. I was only home alone for about 30 minutes and it wasn’t bad. My friend, Melissa dropped by and I had her drive me up to Echo Canyon so I could get in a hike. What is this weather, Ronan Baby? I know you are responsible for it because never in all the time that I have lived here, have I experienced a May quite like this. It has been so gorgeous and almost cool. I hiked as fast and hard as I could today. When I got to the last part, I was starting to get tired. The wind literally picked up and I felt like it was pushing me up the rest of the way. I know it was you. I sat at the top for a long time and enjoyed the sun. It was almost the perfect day except you aren’t here. I guess I’d better get used to those almost perfect days as I know I will have them for the rest of my life. I ran back down the hill to our house. I looked for you in our front window and so expected you to be waiting for me right at the front door like you always used to do when I would hike. You were always so anxious for me to get back to you. It was like a slap in the face today when I returned and you were not here. I slap in the face that I will never get used to and I will never accept. Because all of this is fucking unacceptable.

Tonight, we went out to Tarbell’s for Uncle Jay’s birthday dinner. We went with Jay, Charlene, Lindsey and Mark. It felt weird to be out, but all of those people are family so it was comfortable. It was important to us to celebrate your Uncle Jay as he has been such a good friend to us for so many years. It was a quiet dinner and the food was as usual, nothing but amazing. I ate a bit for you and even had some of the amazing deserts that Mark sent out for us. It was a nice night but we kind of had to hurry home due to Quinny waiting for us. We were on the clock and he called me twice to see where we were. My heartstrings tugged for him, so we ate our dinner, went back to Uncle Jay’s for about 15 minutes and sat outside. We then went home and now here we are. All snug as bugs in a rug. Tired. But restless. I am so very restless all day everyday. I’ve got to find something productive to do with all of this energy. I know you will help me figure it out. Mr. Sparkly Eyes told me he thinks I need to just take a couple of months to regroup and not do anything. I told him, I knew he was going to say that, but I don’t know if that is something I can do. I have done nothing for the past 8 months, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but fight for you. And now what? All is expected to be peaceful and calm? When I have  gotten so used to is going, going, going, fighting, fighting, fighting. I know he is probably right, but I don’t know if I am capable of this calmness that he wants me to embrace. I explained to him that I feel like a brand new mom, with my first born baby. Stumbling, lost, scared, worried, with a ton of adrenaline. Except now I am a brand new mom, to a dead child. How the fuck do you figure out what to do with that? Not a clue. I’m just doing the best I can which is not hiding in bed all day and taking care of my twins. As of now, that is all I can handle.

That is all for tonight my sweet baby boy and lovely peeps. Ambien induced sleep coming my way as that is the ONLY way I sleep now. Love you all to the moon and back.

xoxo

This is the tattoo I got in New York. I had “This too shall pass,” with one baby star. The other night, I had 2 more baby stars added for Liam and Quinn. So now I have all my boys with me all the time. 🙂 The stars are in purple. Club tattoo did a great job:)

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29 thoughts on “Thank you Lulu Lemon girl

  1. Glenda

    Maya hoping you have sweet dreams with rockstar Ro. Thanks for sharing your tat! I like it! I think with given what you’ve been through the past 9 mos you are doing your best and finding strength in the twins and the promises ypu made to Ronan. Praying for peace and strength. Thinking of you. Sending you hugs. And thinking of Rockatar Ro! Rock on mama bear! When I put on my lip gloss nowadays I think of how much Ro loved your sparkly lip gloss 🙂 xo

  2. Dawn

    May you have the sweetest dreams! You are an amazing mommy- not a moment goes by that I do not think of you, Ronan and your family. I pray for peace in your heart.
    I so want to just give you a hug!

  3. Shlomit Robbins Gruber

    Maya,
    I have been thinking the same thing about the weather around here these past few days! I’ve lived here for 30 years and NEVER have I seen a May like this…beautiful, breezy, gorgeous days, evenings, nights. And the fullest, brightest moon. Sitting outside in our backyard, I’ve just felt it in the air…like it’s Ronan and everything he stands for, all around us. Beautiful.. Thinking of you and precious Ronan always.

  4. Nicole Billa

    Holding you in love and compassion. Don’t judge your process or experience. The mind is an amazing thing and so is the heart and the mind keeps us going until our heart is ready to bear the pain. So be where you are without any fear that where you are is wrong.

  5. Laura

    Take the summer and just enjoy your family. Your precious boys will be out of school in a week, they will keep you busy. You are doing great just making it through the day, so proud of you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family. All our love always. Just keep stepping forward, one step at a time.

  6. Farrah

    So glad you got to have a little giggle. I hope you have more of those moments coming! Laughter is good for the soul. I think you are handling all of this beautifully. I think it’s great that you’re looking at counseling for the boys. Hope you find someone that’s a great fit. Wish more people realized that needing help is not a bad thing. We were put on this earth to help each other. None of us are meant to go it alone. If you don’t let people around you help, you are not allowing them to fulfill their purpose. I am thinking and praying for you all everyday. Sending you lots of love!

  7. Alyssa Crews

    I personally think you are doing a great job doing the best you can, better than I think a lot of us would be able to do. I’m so proud of you. You are the best momma in the world. I love your tattoo and all the purple star tattoos that your fam and friend’s got for Ronan. I have a star in white on the inside of my forearm that I got a little over 3 years ago for my friend’s little boy. I also loved all the information you gave about hummingbirds. I didn’t know any of that. It’s really eye opening to think about. Hoping Ronan helps you out today with some ideas for all the energy you have. I know he will. Thanks for sharing with us. I feel so blessed to know you and your family and most of all to know Ronan. Believing…
    Alyssa

  8. Therese in Ireland

    From where I’m sitting, you’re doing as well as can be expected. You’re looking after your boys, getting shit done (that girl is a legend) and carrying on with things as best you can. From speaking with people who have been through the same dreadful, unspeakable experience – nothing makes sense for a long time. You just carry on, one foot in front of the other. Your little rockstar is on my mind all the time and I hope with all my heart that you feel him with you forever. He’s a legend too 🙂

  9. Marquita Ward

    Wonderful tattoo! Thank You Lord for giving us hope and endurance, bless this family in Jesus name amen.

  10. Jamie

    Maya,
    As you have read a million times, I’m sending you lots of prayers and hugs today and everyday.
    I wanted to share something with you that I thought was really neat that happened last night. My daughter always picks out her book before bedtime and last night I thought I would. She was o.k. with that which surprised me because she ALWAYS has to be the one to pick it out. So I picked a couple out of her bookshelf and I looked at them and said to myself nope, this isn’t the one. So I went back to the bookshelf and I saw this small hardback book. So I pulled it out, looked at the title which is called Guess How Much I Love You, and decided very quickly that this was the right book. I don’t know if you have ever read it, but it’s about 2 bunnies who talk about how much they love each other through the whole book. Now I just want to clarify that I haven’t read this book since my son was very small. It’s one of those books that kind of got pushed to the back of the bookshelf. I think I blew some dust off of it. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve read it to them. 🙂 So as I’m reading we get to the last page and the big bunny says to the small bunny in the very last sentence of the book “I love you right up to the moon and back.” I got chills as I know this is what you say to Ronan all the time and what I’ve started saying to my children at night. I closed the book and put it close to my heart and just smiled. I couldn’t believe that with all the books that I could have chosen, that I chose the one with those words. And I had no idea that’s what the last sentence would say. I just wanted to share this with you. Maybe put a little smile on your face. I know it’s hard to smile and I know it will be for a long time. But when things like this happen, how can you not smile? 🙂 Take care Maya. We love you and Ronan to the moon and back.

    Love, Jamie (Simpson Harms)

  11. kim van alen

    Omg! “Gettin shit done!” Classic. My kind of gal. I’m sure sweet Ro orchestrated that…so his amazing mama could get the much needed giggle she so needed. He is everywhere, always.

    Ready to kick some ass with Maya’s Mafia! Xo

  12. Dorene Plampin

    Maya and Woody, I was out of town when Ronan passed.
    Tears were shed and a heavy heart was formed.
    You and Woody are doing a great job with grief. Remember that we all grieve differently and at a different pace. No comparisons are needed. Grief is a process to go through.Not an easy task either. I too have been there and it is crazy,unorganized,hurtful and healing. Eventually.
    Love the tattoo. What a fun and creative way to honor your boys. Love you to the moon and back too. Some day we will meet each other and get that humongous hug. D

  13. Michelle

    You made me laugh this morning by telling your story of the Lulu girl and I needed a good laugh, so thank you :). Getting “shit done” – love it!

    Your tattoo is beautiful and symbolizes SO much. Keep on going lady, one step at a time…day by day! You are a true inspiration. We are all here for you rooting you on through this journey! Cancer f*d with the wrong Mama and you know what they say…”paybacks are a bitch.”

  14. Alicia Young

    Hi Maya,
    Its Alicia. I spoke to you on email the other day about Ro’s braclets. I cant wait to get them and ROCK them. As soon as I open my eyes every morning I grab my phone and look for your updates. I feel encouraged by you to remind my children just how special they are to me and exactly how much I love them. Songs catch me in a way that they hadnt before. I was at the gym on Monday, listening to my mp3 and a song started playing that immediatly made me think of you and Ronan. I felt a knot form in my throat and then shortly after felt the tears in my eyes. I think about you all of the time. I thik about how sad you must feel and how if I could take on some of your pain away I would. I wish I could hug you, hold your hand, be there for you.
    Maya, you have moved me. You have set a fire in my heart that just wont go away. I talk about Ronan all the time. Im almost worried that people might think im weird about this, but that wont stop me. I cant wait to get the braclets and proudly support your rockstar, Ronan Sean.

    Always and always,
    Alicia Young
    Fort Worth, TX

  15. Tanya

    I love your tattoo. Who knew such a small tattoo would hold so much meaning. I still think of Ronan and your whole family everyday. I tell everyone who will listen, the story about your precious angel. Have you thought of writing a book?

    “If you know someone who has lost a child and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn’t forget they died. You’re not reminding them. What you’re reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that’s a great, great gift.” -Elizabeth Edwards

    Tanya Baranoski

  16. Jaime Harris

    Still praying for you every day Maya! You’re doing incredibly well considering! You seem so strong! You’re doing better that a lot of us would be. Admirable. Praying for you and Woody and the twins always! My heart goes out to you. lots of love to you…God bless….

  17. Jen

    I know you know how many lives you and Ronan have affected, however not sure if you know how many ways.
    I have worked so hard and missed out on so much of my 4 year olds life. That completely changed.. Your story kills me, but I force myself to read and absorb every word so not to ever take advantage of the time I have with her. I hope this doesn’t upset you- i just want you to know you are having a direct impact on families and their lives for the rest of their lives. I love you and your family, just as everyone does. I pray for ease to your pain. God bless you Maya!

  18. Becca

    Maya! I need, must have one (or many!) of Ronan’s bracelets! I’ve shared your story around the country and back….thinking of you and praying your “getting shit” done again today! hugs to you!

  19. Sarah Williams

    Stepping Stones of Hope has camps for kids and families that have had a death in their lives. It’s one of those options out there for helping the boys and your family through this hellish time in your lives. My heart is broken for you!

  20. Jen Wheeler

    Maya – you are amazing!! I know you are just trying to get through a day at a time right now but I think you are a Rock Star for not hiding in your bed all day and every day!! You are a fighter just like your Ronan and your twins are very lucky to have you – so is Woody. Keep doing what you’re doing and getting shit done! 🙂

    BIG HUG!

  21. Sophia

    Ronan, you are always on my mind. I hope your playing with my godson. His name is Joel, He’s 4 years old and also had Neuroblastoma.

    Maya, sending you great big hugs. You are a kick ass mom. xoxo

  22. Meg

    Mama Maya, you continue to amaze me and inspire me. It’s this time of night where I sit with my family and relax, watch some tv. The sky has been so clear at night and this one bright star keeps catching my eye. Twinkle twinkle little star. I think of you often. I try to imagine what you’re feeling and wish I could take away your pain and help heal your heart that is broken. I miss Ronan and I never met him. He has changed my life forever and for the better, and so have you. Sending lots of love to you and Woody and your boys. Wish I could hug you.

  23. Devon

    You are definitely “gettin’ shit done” Maya.

    I think about you often, and I hug my kids a little tighter now because of your honest, unforgiving words. You’ve made me laugh, cry … and use the word “fuck” a whole lot more than I used to, which has actually been kind of fun.

    Thank you for sharing.

  24. Janice Adams

    Dearest Maya – you may or may not remember me. I’m Susan (now Herzog) & Jeremy Adams’s mom. You also may or may not remember that Jeremy died several years ago. I just want you to know that your precious Ronan will continue to give you gifts along this road you are being forced to walk. You will feel his presence in countless ways. I love you and am daily praying for you.

    From a mom who has been there,
    Janice Adams

  25. peanutsmommy09

    Maya, I am new and catching up on all your letters to your son. I am & will continue to spread the word about your angel. We have to find a cure and we will. I love your blog. You are sweet & beautiful & real. I can’t stop reading. I listen to “Ronan” everyday and cry. It is sad and beautiful at the same time. You are so brave for sharing all of it.
    Love to you!!
    Melissa

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