Thank you Lulu Lemon girl

Ronan. Everyday without you is stranger and stranger. I am trying to keep super busy, but I am really just existing. Somebody asked me how I was today. I said I was existing so that was better than nothing. I’ve stopped saying I’m fine because I’m not. And I know you know I’m not and you are o.k. with that. Maybe someday I will be o.k.; but as of now , everything is a freaking nightmare. I keep thinking I forgot you at the grocery store or something. I remember feeling this way when you were alive, and if I had dropped you off at school for a few hours. I would go about running my errands and panic because I thought I had left you somewhere when you were really just at preschool. That is how little I was used to be without you. I would give anything to have just left you somewhere now; as awful as that would have been. In the grand scheme of things it would be a whole lot better than this.

Today, I took Liam and Quinn to school. Late. They have been tired lately. Staying up a little too late with us. As of now, Quinn is in my bed with me and is just now falling asleep. He is stuck to me like glue. I don’t blame him…. the poor little guy didn’t want to go to school today. I had a talk with him and told him I would talk to his teacher and if he wanted he could come home later. I think the distraction of school is good for your brothers minds right now. I know I am going to have to get them some counseling. I am meeting with someone Thursday morning to see if she will be the right fit for our family. I cannot tackle this alone. I need some help with my two little guys. As strong as we are as a family, this is all too much for your daddy and I to fully handle. An outside source will be something we will embrace for as long as we need to with your brothers. They need someone else to talk to besides us and someone who has experience in helping out with things like this.

After I dropped of your brother I ran some more “let’s keep you totally busy,” errands. I ran over to The Biltmore to return some running shorts that your daddy had gotten me for mother’s day as they were too big. As soon as I walked in, I was greeted by a bubbly blond girl. She didn’t give me the standard greeting but instead goes, “Heeeeey girl!” I just smiled and said hello. I went about my business and got the things I needed. She met me at the cash register. She asked me what I was out doing and I just quietly told her I was running errands. She then goes, “Oh, getting shit done?” OMG. Who is this girl and how can I be her friend? She totally cracked me up today when nothing is making me laugh. I thought to myself, is this really happening? Did the LuLu Lemon girl really just tell me I was getting shit done?? She did and made my day. As she handed me my receipt, I grabbed one of you F U Cancer bracelets out of my purse and gave it to her. I told her to look you up. She was totally worthy of one of your bracelets. If only more people in the world could be so candid and real. I LOVE REAL PEOPLE. So thanks, LuLu Lemon girl. You made a very sad girl, giggle on the inside the entire day today. It felt nice.

I did a really good job of keeping myself busy. I was only home alone for about 30 minutes and it wasn’t bad. My friend, Melissa dropped by and I had her drive me up to Echo Canyon so I could get in a hike. What is this weather, Ronan Baby? I know you are responsible for it because never in all the time that I have lived here, have I experienced a May quite like this. It has been so gorgeous and almost cool. I hiked as fast and hard as I could today. When I got to the last part, I was starting to get tired. The wind literally picked up and I felt like it was pushing me up the rest of the way. I know it was you. I sat at the top for a long time and enjoyed the sun. It was almost the perfect day except you aren’t here. I guess I’d better get used to those almost perfect days as I know I will have them for the rest of my life. I ran back down the hill to our house. I looked for you in our front window and so expected you to be waiting for me right at the front door like you always used to do when I would hike. You were always so anxious for me to get back to you. It was like a slap in the face today when I returned and you were not here. I slap in the face that I will never get used to and I will never accept. Because all of this is fucking unacceptable.

Tonight, we went out to Tarbell’s for Uncle Jay’s birthday dinner. We went with Jay, Charlene, Lindsey and Mark. It felt weird to be out, but all of those people are family so it was comfortable. It was important to us to celebrate your Uncle Jay as he has been such a good friend to us for so many years. It was a quiet dinner and the food was as usual, nothing but amazing. I ate a bit for you and even had some of the amazing deserts that Mark sent out for us. It was a nice night but we kind of had to hurry home due to Quinny waiting for us. We were on the clock and he called me twice to see where we were. My heartstrings tugged for him, so we ate our dinner, went back to Uncle Jay’s for about 15 minutes and sat outside. We then went home and now here we are. All snug as bugs in a rug. Tired. But restless. I am so very restless all day everyday. I’ve got to find something productive to do with all of this energy. I know you will help me figure it out. Mr. Sparkly Eyes told me he thinks I need to just take a couple of months to regroup and not do anything. I told him, I knew he was going to say that, but I don’t know if that is something I can do. I have done nothing for the past 8 months, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but fight for you. And now what? All is expected to be peaceful and calm? When I have  gotten so used to is going, going, going, fighting, fighting, fighting. I know he is probably right, but I don’t know if I am capable of this calmness that he wants me to embrace. I explained to him that I feel like a brand new mom, with my first born baby. Stumbling, lost, scared, worried, with a ton of adrenaline. Except now I am a brand new mom, to a dead child. How the fuck do you figure out what to do with that? Not a clue. I’m just doing the best I can which is not hiding in bed all day and taking care of my twins. As of now, that is all I can handle.

That is all for tonight my sweet baby boy and lovely peeps. Ambien induced sleep coming my way as that is the ONLY way I sleep now. Love you all to the moon and back.

xoxo

This is the tattoo I got in New York. I had “This too shall pass,” with one baby star. The other night, I had 2 more baby stars added for Liam and Quinn. So now I have all my boys with me all the time. 🙂 The stars are in purple. Club tattoo did a great job:)

Magic Medicine… Day 2, Round 4

That stupid pit is back in my stomach today. It is the worst feeling. Makes me not want to eat, not want to sleep…. it’s like a dull, empty pain that comes and goes. And when it is here, it is a constant reminder of what we are up against. Before all of this, I didn’t even know what an Oncologist was. Yup, I was that naive. I thought the last thing we were going to hear is your child has cancer. I still think this is some kind of a sick joke. But staring at my baby’s bald head, as he peacefully sleeps… I am reminded that it is not. And it is more painful than anything I’ve ever felt in my life. When I was driving back to PCH today, after running home to shower and take a power nap… I thought to myself, how in the world can I ever go back to a normal life? A life before all of this? In a weird and twisted way, I have come to love our new life. It is a new life full of getting Ronan well and keeping him alive. He is still here. He is still alive. He is still mine. I am so thankful for that. I remember at the beginning of all of this, when we were talking to one of the doctors here about treatment options…. he told us that if we wanted to take Ronan home, to let him be at peace and not do any of the treatments, that they wouldn’t fight us about it. His words still haunt me….how in the world could that have even been an option?? To give up on your baby and not do everything in your power to help him fight though this…I can’t even imagine. I am very thankful we caught this when we did. A month or two later… and it could have been too late. We are going to do everything we possibly can to get him well… I have no doubt that what we are doing will work.

Ronan has his chemo running through him for 72 hours straight. It is a little clear bag, full of some orange fluid. He is sleeping now, but seems to be tolerating it pretty well so far. My little fighter. Woody and I met with Dr. Eshun today to go over our plan with him for NYC. We are working getting all of the dates finalized and set. No matter what the case, my stomach always goes into knots when we have to meet with a doctor. Guess it just goes with the territory though and I need to learn to get used to it. This is not going away any time soon.

The little boy who we are sharing the room with is still alone. I hear him talking to his mom on the phone every once in a while. He just called her to ask if she was o.k…. he wants to know what she is watching on T.V. and wants to know if his dad is asleep. He sounds so happy just to even talk to his mom on the phone. I could just eat him up.We’ve been with him since yesterday around 4… and no parents have been here. Not even during the night. I cry for him. He is the sweetest little thing and he doesn’t make a peep. I want to bring him all sorts of toys and things to play with. He never asks for a thing… even after the dozen times that I have asked him if he needs anything. Sweet kid. Shitty situation. Life really is not fair sometimes.

Last night I slept about 3 hours. Better than nothing. I am paying for it tonight though… very tired. No matter how tired I am, I never sleep well here. Too many people coming in and out, too many beeping noises, too cold, etc….. It’s fine though… I could stare at Ronan all night long and never tire of it.

Before I try to get some rest I wanted to say a big thank you to The Academy House in my hometown for putting on a wonderful fundraiser in Ronan’s name. I am floored by all the people who showed up, all of the money raised, and the beautiful spirits of the young kids who worked so very hard to raise awareness for Ro’s cancer. Also, a big hug to Lisa for organizing everything and being the force behind it. The love and support from my hometown has been amazing and I am so thankful and proud to be a Longview/Kelso girl.

Sweet dreams to you all out there. Thank you for loving us, believing in us, and fighting for us. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again… I will never forget the love you all have shown us and I will forever be changed because of each and every one of you. G’nite<3<3<3

And P.S. Gay, I love you and your messages. Thank you for checking on me… sorry for not calling you back… will call you tomorrow. And you and your guys’ are NEVER too much for us. That was the best Halloween ever. Thank you for sharing it with us… we adore you all and are so lucky to have you in our lives.