Tag: Club Tattoo

Thank you Lulu Lemon girl

Ronan. Everyday without you is stranger and stranger. I am trying to keep super busy, but I am really just existing. Somebody asked me how I was today. I said I was existing so that was better than nothing. I’ve stopped saying I’m fine because I’m not. And I know you know I’m not and you are o.k. with that. Maybe someday I will be o.k.; but as of now , everything is a freaking nightmare. I keep thinking I forgot you at the grocery store or something. I remember feeling this way when you were alive, and if I had dropped you off at school for a few hours. I would go about running my errands and panic because I thought I had left you somewhere when you were really just at preschool. That is how little I was used to be without you. I would give anything to have just left you somewhere now; as awful as that would have been. In the grand scheme of things it would be a whole lot better than this.

Today, I took Liam and Quinn to school. Late. They have been tired lately. Staying up a little too late with us. As of now, Quinn is in my bed with me and is just now falling asleep. He is stuck to me like glue. I don’t blame him…. the poor little guy didn’t want to go to school today. I had a talk with him and told him I would talk to his teacher and if he wanted he could come home later. I think the distraction of school is good for your brothers minds right now. I know I am going to have to get them some counseling. I am meeting with someone Thursday morning to see if she will be the right fit for our family. I cannot tackle this alone. I need some help with my two little guys. As strong as we are as a family, this is all too much for your daddy and I to fully handle. An outside source will be something we will embrace for as long as we need to with your brothers. They need someone else to talk to besides us and someone who has experience in helping out with things like this.

After I dropped of your brother I ran some more “let’s keep you totally busy,” errands. I ran over to The Biltmore to return some running shorts that your daddy had gotten me for mother’s day as they were too big. As soon as I walked in, I was greeted by a bubbly blond girl. She didn’t give me the standard greeting but instead goes, “Heeeeey girl!” I just smiled and said hello. I went about my business and got the things I needed. She met me at the cash register. She asked me what I was out doing and I just quietly told her I was running errands. She then goes, “Oh, getting shit done?” OMG. Who is this girl and how can I be her friend? She totally cracked me up today when nothing is making me laugh. I thought to myself, is this really happening? Did the LuLu Lemon girl really just tell me I was getting shit done?? She did and made my day. As she handed me my receipt, I grabbed one of you F U Cancer bracelets out of my purse and gave it to her. I told her to look you up. She was totally worthy of one of your bracelets. If only more people in the world could be so candid and real. I LOVE REAL PEOPLE. So thanks, LuLu Lemon girl. You made a very sad girl, giggle on the inside the entire day today. It felt nice.

I did a really good job of keeping myself busy. I was only home alone for about 30 minutes and it wasn’t bad. My friend, Melissa dropped by and I had her drive me up to Echo Canyon so I could get in a hike. What is this weather, Ronan Baby? I know you are responsible for it because never in all the time that I have lived here, have I experienced a May quite like this. It has been so gorgeous and almost cool. I hiked as fast and hard as I could today. When I got to the last part, I was starting to get tired. The wind literally picked up and I felt like it was pushing me up the rest of the way. I know it was you. I sat at the top for a long time and enjoyed the sun. It was almost the perfect day except you aren’t here. I guess I’d better get used to those almost perfect days as I know I will have them for the rest of my life. I ran back down the hill to our house. I looked for you in our front window and so expected you to be waiting for me right at the front door like you always used to do when I would hike. You were always so anxious for me to get back to you. It was like a slap in the face today when I returned and you were not here. I slap in the face that I will never get used to and I will never accept. Because all of this is fucking unacceptable.

Tonight, we went out to Tarbell’s for Uncle Jay’s birthday dinner. We went with Jay, Charlene, Lindsey and Mark. It felt weird to be out, but all of those people are family so it was comfortable. It was important to us to celebrate your Uncle Jay as he has been such a good friend to us for so many years. It was a quiet dinner and the food was as usual, nothing but amazing. I ate a bit for you and even had some of the amazing deserts that Mark sent out for us. It was a nice night but we kind of had to hurry home due to Quinny waiting for us. We were on the clock and he called me twice to see where we were. My heartstrings tugged for him, so we ate our dinner, went back to Uncle Jay’s for about 15 minutes and sat outside. We then went home and now here we are. All snug as bugs in a rug. Tired. But restless. I am so very restless all day everyday. I’ve got to find something productive to do with all of this energy. I know you will help me figure it out. Mr. Sparkly Eyes told me he thinks I need to just take a couple of months to regroup and not do anything. I told him, I knew he was going to say that, but I don’t know if that is something I can do. I have done nothing for the past 8 months, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but fight for you. And now what? All is expected to be peaceful and calm? When I have  gotten so used to is going, going, going, fighting, fighting, fighting. I know he is probably right, but I don’t know if I am capable of this calmness that he wants me to embrace. I explained to him that I feel like a brand new mom, with my first born baby. Stumbling, lost, scared, worried, with a ton of adrenaline. Except now I am a brand new mom, to a dead child. How the fuck do you figure out what to do with that? Not a clue. I’m just doing the best I can which is not hiding in bed all day and taking care of my twins. As of now, that is all I can handle.

That is all for tonight my sweet baby boy and lovely peeps. Ambien induced sleep coming my way as that is the ONLY way I sleep now. Love you all to the moon and back.

xoxo

This is the tattoo I got in New York. I had “This too shall pass,” with one baby star. The other night, I had 2 more baby stars added for Liam and Quinn. So now I have all my boys with me all the time. 🙂 The stars are in purple. Club tattoo did a great job:)

Happy 4th Birthday Ronan Sean Thompson

Ronan. Happy 4th Birthday baby boy. It was the fastest 4 years of my life. It flew by in the blink of any eye; but now that you are gone, the days and nights drag on forever. Time seems to be standing still. I woke up at 6 a.m. and hiked Camelback by myself. I have decided to make this a tradition and do this on your birthday every year. I put about 20 of your purple F U Cancer bracelets in my backpack and when I got to the top of the mountain, I decorated one of the trees with all of your bracelets. I hope a bunch of new people are wearing your little purple bracelets around and I hope they know your story now. I’m so motivated on spreading the word that I will do whatever it takes. I looked for you at the top of the mountain today, but I didn’t see you. I miss your beautiful face so very much.

After my hike, I came home and got ready for your day. It was a hard day and all I really wanted to do was hide in my bed. I didn’t but I honestly don’t know how I survived. I had to write out your obituary today. On your birthday of all days. Your daddy wanted it done. It really only took a few minutes and I am surprised how quickly all of the words came to me. I guess you were helping me along because it was very effortless. Who would have thought that I would be writing out the words to be printed in the paper about your death, on the day you were born. It really is the cruelest joke ever. And nobody is laughing.

Your dad, Nana, and I took Liam and Quinn to Chelsea’s Kitchen for lunch; your favorite spot. Quinn ordered a Shirley Temple and they brought him his drink with lots of extra cherries and I didn’t even have to ask. It was just the way you would have liked it, Ro. I ate the Ahi Tuna Tacos just for you because I have not eaten in about 3 days. I was not hungry, but I forced myself to eat for the sake of your birthday. After lunch, we took Liam and Quinn to Target to pick out a gift from you to them for your birthday. Liam got the new Lego Pirates of the Caribbean PS3 game. Quinny got a new Lego Wii Controller. It was hard to walk through Target without you as that used to be our special thing to do. It felt very eerie and sad.

We came back home and tried to fill the rest of the day with as much happiness as possible. It was exhausting and we all had a hard day, trying to make something so sad, somewhat happy. We didn’t pretend not to be sad though. We talked about it instead. I told Quinn how he and Liam may need to go talk to someone about all of this. He just responded, “Why mom? I can just talk to you.” I told him of course he could, but sometimes it was good to talk to someone on the outside because I am hurting so badly as well. I told him I would go with him and tried to explain to him how this was the worst thing that could happen to a family and how important it is to embrace all of our feelings and not keep them bottled up inside. He seemed to understand what I was saying for the most part but I know at 8 years old he cannot grasp the magnitude of what has happened. At 33, I have yet to grasp it myself. Shock and numbness are still all I feel.

Later in the evening, our house started to fill up with some of the girls whom shall remain nameless. You know who they all are; the one’s who have held me up this whole time.  The one’s that love you so much, that they seem almost just as sad as me. The one’s whom I would not be standing here if it were not for them. They all wanted to celebrate you, Ro. They swooped me off for a few hours and we celebrated you in the most beautiful way possible. 11 of us got tattoos in your honor. Almost all purple stars, some tiny, some big. There were a lot of tears tonight with the girls, but the amount of love was something like I have never experienced before in a room full of all women. At one point, I looked at Fernanda and said, “I feel like there is so much love here, that it is going to bring him back.” I am serious when I say that. I felt like the heavens above would open up and drop you back down into my arms where you belong. That is the only place you belong and I will never stop believing that it is going to happen someday. But Ronan, if it doesn’t happen, I will try my hardest to be o.k. I have the best man taking care of me, the best twin boys, and friends that are so unbelievably beautiful that they seem almost not real. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have all of them; but I know that I am so ridiculously thankful that it makes my head spin.

Once we finished up our little tribute to you, we went outside with a bunch of purple balloons. I held a purple star one for you. All of us gathered around in the parking lot and sang “Happy Birthday,” to you baby. We then let the balloons go. We all cried, held on to each other and watched the balloons float into the dark air. It was beautiful for being so sad. We all came back to our house and broke out your birthday cake. Quinn and Liam were dying to have some. Gathered with a bunch of our friends, I lit 4 candles for you and we all sang “Happy Birthday,” again. My eyes stayed totally locked on your daddy’s eyes because I knew if I looked elsewhere, I was going to lose it. I had to stay strong in front of Liam and Quinn. I put on my best mama boots and sucked it up. I wished for you baby. Just like I’ll do everyday for the rest of my painfully long life. Being without you is like being a trapped wild animal. I will never escape this cage and I wonder if this feeling of restlessness will last forever. It  makes me want to crawl out of my skin, this feeling of being without you. How long before I completely crack?? I can slowly feel the numbness wearing off and I am so scared of what is to come. Just the tiniest taste of knowing what life is really like without you is so physically painful that I am almost positive that I won’t survive this. If the pain of a broken heart could really kill someone, I would be dead by now.

I’m sorry, Ro. For being so sad tonight. I hope it makes you feel better to see how we ended your day. I know you saw us outside, playing basketball in the dark with your brothers. I could almost hear your whispers in the cool air of the night. I know you know how much we all love you and miss you so much. So many people let balloons go today for your birthday. People we don’t even know, Ro. You are the most loved little boy up in the sky. I love you to the moon and back. It was the best worst birthday ever and we will never stop celebrating your life. G’nite sweet baby boy. I love you so much.

xoxo