Happily Ever After


Ronan. I say your name out loud, when no one else is around 20 times a day. Every time I say it, I start to cry. I call out for you, expecting you to appear. You don’t. I don’t understand this. I don’t understand how you, my baby, are gone. I don’t want to understand this; I just want you back. I’ve tried as best I can to go about my life but everything is still standing still. I’ve been taking your brothers to school, picking them up, doing the laundry…. nothing feels right. Today, I let your brothers stay home from school. Your daddy slept with Liam last night and Quinn slept with me in here, where you and I used to sleep. We both cuddled with your GiGi all night. We took turns sharing it. It still smells just the way you loved it; like fresh, clean laundry. I woke up last night at 3 a.m. Close to the time you passed away almost 12 days ago. I tried to go back to sleep but just tossed and turned until early morning. I then fell back asleep and when I woke up Quinn’s hand was intertwined in mine as he slept. I watched him and thought of you. I hoped he was having sweet dreams about you as he slept away. We all miss you so much.

We spent the morning around the house. It took a lot for me to talk myself into getting our day started. I wanted to hide in my bed all day but I knew I couldn’t. I smashed a plate on purpose today. You know the one. The one on the ledge in front of the window of our sink. The one that somebody gave to your daddy and I as a gift on our wedding day. It had a picture of a bride and a groom on it with the words, “Happily Ever After.” I took that plate and smashed it into a million pieces. Do you know why? Because on that ledge sat our plate, your ashes in your urn, and the mini plates that have you, Liam and Quinn’s little faces painted on with your birthday as well. How fucked up is that, Ronan?? Your ashes just sitting there between Happily Ever After and you and your brothers??  I smashed that plate and wish I could say I felt better. I didn’t but I was tired of looking at it. And now it is gone; just like that. I moved you into our room too. I don’t want you in our kitchen… what if somebody threw a ball and broke you? I’ve had severe anxiety about that. You now sit on a high dresser in our bedroom. I kiss you every morning and every night. You feel better in here.

I told Liam and Quinn that I had set up some time for them to go to The Ryan House today to talk with someone about what had just happened to us. They were both annoyed that they had to go but I bribed them with a play date with Luca afterwords. I asked if they were o.k. with going back to The Ryan House. They said they were. It was me who had the hardest time wrapping my head around it but I talked myself into it for them. I need that place to be a source of comfort for them and I don’t want them to be scared of it. Going back there today was the right thing to do. I had Liam and Quinn get ready and I took them for lunch at Wally’s before. We talked about you a lot and how weird it is to be out doing things without you. Liam talked about what great weather it is for May here. We all agreed that it is because of you. I told them that anything good that happens in their life will be because of you and because you are watching over them. They both smiled.

Walking through the doors to The Ryan House was hard. I had to sit in my car for a while before. Fernanda came down to meet me to help me. She knew I needed her hand to hold today. Together, we held hands and walked with Liam and Quinn through the doors. I almost threw up. I tried to push the memory of you there out of my head. You were not happy. I still cannot process the thought of actually taking you there to die. I have still have no idea how we even got you there. Then I remember the pain you were in. You were hurting so badly but you refused to show it.I remembered how just picking you up was painful to you, but you tried so hard to hide it. Remembering these things makes me lose my mind. The thought of you in pain destroys me. Almost as much as you being gone.

Once inside The Ryan House we met up with Jenny and Karen. I took in a deep breath and focused on what I was there to do, which was to pour all of my energy into Liam and Quinn. The five of us went back into the playroom. We played a game that kind of broke the ice. We then went on to reading flashcards with a face on the front of them expressing an emotion. We all went around the room and talked about our card and what feeling it was displaying. One of Liam’s cards was happy. Karen asked Liam the last time he felt happy was. He said it was the last time he was with you. I tried really hard not to cry in that room today; but I did. I quickly wiped away the tears before I got too upset. I think it is o.k. for Liam and Quinn to see me cry, but not before I become an uncontrollable mess. A controlled cry around them is o.k. Heathy, I think. Jenny then pulled out a glass jar and put it in the middle of the table. She had cut out purples stars and your brothers and I all took turns writing down a favorite memory of you and putting it in the jar. This caused more tears to pour down my cheeks. Liam talked about being in Washington with you. Quinn talked about your love for ASU. I talked about last summer, in Coronado and how crazy you were in the baby pool. How you had no fear and how we called you Baby Danger because of the way you would jump off the deck and into the water. We left The Ryan House and Liam and Quinn were happy. Quinn told me he actually really liked it. We are going to take a break for summer but will get back to it when we return. We need to work on some core family things first.

In your almost 4 years of life and you were never scared of a thing; even laying on a freaking radiation table while everyone had to leave you alone in the room. Do you know how amazing that is, Ro? Most people walk around their entire lives being too scared to live the life they want; so they just settle. You would have never settled for anything. You would have turned this world upside down with your beauty and confidence, yet your old, sweet soul. You had it all figured out, my little seal. You inspire me everyday and once I get out of this funk…. I promise to make you proud. I just need a little time. Nothing feels good now. Not even smiling or laughing. The T.V. just seems like unnecessary  noise and I cannot even have it on. The thought of going to a movie makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Eating is a joke as nothing tastes good. The only somewhat enjoyment I get is the pain from running my ass up Camelback Mountain. The pain from that feels therapeutic to me. Plus, it’s the closest to you that I’ll ever get; for a while anyway.

Your daddy told me tonight how he gets though his days by thinking about how happy you were, even though you were so sick. How he knows you were never scared because we kept you so safe. This gives him comfort. He also told me he knows your safe wherever you are now. I wish I could say it was such a happy, uplifting conversation, but it wasn’t. I then went into how that is bullshit… how does he know you are safe?? You are not with me; so therefore in my mind; you are not safe. It was my job as your mommy to make sure you were safe and now that you are gone, I don’t know what in the heck you are doing. I would like to think you are bouncing on clouds in heaven and eating candy galore with all of your beautiful new friends. But even if you are; you still don’t get to be with us up there and I know that is what you want. You could be walking the streets of Vegas alone at 2 a.m. and I would never know. My point is; I would love to believe in the fairy tales but until there is hardcore proof (I see a vision of Ronan on a cloud or something) I’m still worried. I still think you are lost and no matter what, I cannot find you. It is the worst feeling in the world, Ronan. Being without you is not being at all.

It is funny what becomes important to you after something like this happens. You care less about the things that used to mean so much to you in life because you then come to find out; they didn’t mean jack shit. People, Magazines, Television, Celebrity Gossip, The Nightly News is a joke. Who cares that Arnold had a freaking love child. There are more important things to be dealing with in this day and age. Enough with the garbage that fills our daily lives. It’s embarrassing. The people who are taking up space in this world are becoming dumber and dumber by the second. Everyone needs to stop and take a look around and see what it really means to be a good, decent, human being. What it really means to focus your time and energy into what is going to make this world a better place. Trust me, you ain’t going to find it on the cover of O.K. magazine. If I have to see one more of those Kardashian girls on the cover, I may light it on fire right there in the grocery store. STOP THE MADNESS! These girls are not good role models for our society. It needs to be people that actually do good in the world and changes the things the world chooses to focus on. Like Childhood Cancer! I don’t understand how our future generation of amazing kids are just getting thrown away and it is due to the lack of awareness. Unexceptable!!!!!

Whoa, Ro baby! I think I just went on a rant and lost track of writing to you. See how you inspire me though. You are my little fireball and I promise to work my hardest to make things happen so no other parent has to go through this again. I promise you before I die, there will be a cure for this disease. I love you so much. We all loved you so much. We will not let you down, Ronan. Something has to be done.

G’nite baby boy. I hope you visit me in my dreams. If you do, I promise to sing you twinkle twinkle little star and rub your back like we always did. I miss you my beautiful boy. See you in my dreams.

Also, one thing that I have figured out is exactly how I am feeling after just losing my precious son. I’ve totally figured it out. I feel like I’ve been buried alive and I feel like this pretty much 24 hours a day. I often feel like I cannot breathe, I’m alone, I’m swallowing dirt and choking, I can’t see, it’s dark and it’s cold. So, if someone ever asks me how it feels to lose a child; that will be my answer. Just imagine being buried alive.

One more little thing….. I’ve been getting a little feedback about the F bomb that I tend to use on this blog as people seem to have a hard time with it. I don’t understand that… It’s just a word. People should not be so offended by the Fuck word but more offended by the word Childhood Cancer. At least the F bomb’s never killed a child.

Goodnight my loves

xoxo

Ronan Sean Thompson. You are everywhere. But you belong with me. I will always keep you safe no matter the distance between us.

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56 thoughts on “Happily Ever After

  1. Kathy Walton

    FUCK CANCER…FUCK CELEBRITIES…FUCK ARNOLD AND MARIA…FUCK THE KARDASHIANS..FUCK CHILD MOLESTERS WHO DONT GET CANCER..FUCK CANCER! SAY FUCK AS MUCH AS YOU WANT…IF SOMEONE IS OFFENDED THEN DONT FUCKING READ THIS BLOG.
    FUCK OPRAH, WHY DOESNT SHE DONATE A FEW MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS TO CANCER RESEARCH? FUCK THE SELFISH WHINERS IN THE WORLD. IF SAYING FUCK MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER THEN SAY FUCK ALL YOU WANT!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. K.M

      FUCK the Fucking Fuckers who don’t want you to say Fuck! This is MAYA’s blog to Ronan. I feel so blessed that you let us share your journey, if others are offended then FUCK OFF and don’t read it. No one is forcing you fuckers! Sometimes Fuck is just the only word that fits. Oh and FUCK FUCK FUCK the fucking Kardadhians why don’t they quit doing naked photo shoots and worrying about which Manolo’s they are going to wear to some dumb Fucking club opening and get behind something like childhood cancer. I think they’re actually too fucking stupid and self absorbed to even realize an evil fucking disease like NB even
      exists! You have EVERY right to express yourself any way you want. Have any of
      the fuckers complaining about the word fuck lost a child? I’m sure if they had they would find it hard not to say FUCK this bullshit disease that robbed me of my beautiful child. OK I think I said Fuck enough to get my point across but Fuck what else can you say to fucking people who are more concerned with a word than the pain you are feeling.
      P.S to the fuckers complaining-I’m sure Maya doesn’t go around saying Fuck every minute of the day. This is HER outlet so for fucks sake let her say whatever the fuck she feels.
      You are beautiful and so is Ronan I hope you dance together in your dreams tonight.

    2. Amy Lee

      I agree with Kathy 100%! You have every right to say FUCK FUCK FUCK! And I agree about all the stupid crap this country/world worries about. It truly is ridiculous.

      Everyone mourns their own way and if you want to do it by dropping the F-bomb in every blog post, I say Go for it and I’ll be right behind you dropping my own!

  2. Annie Johnson

    I’m sick of this SHIT, I’m sick of this FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! we need to figure out a way to turn back time. Take it to the day after mother’s day and let the world end then!! You’re so right, there is so much stupid shit going on in this world right now and so many stupid people. I spend a lot of my days trying to figure out how to make this feeling go away. This feeling of helplessness, this feeling of anger. I think people think I’m silly for becomming so attached. Stupid people!!! I’ve decided to try to become a children’s oncology nurse when I graduate. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t strong enough to deal with sick kids, but all I’ve wanted to do was help Ronan since I started reading your blogs. PRAYING and DONATING obviously wasn’t enough. While you were at the Ryan house all I wanted to do was fly down there and help take care of him in his own house, so he could be where he wanted to be. I’m so fucking mad at how this all played out. How could God not answer a whole world of prayers??? SERIOUSLY WTF???? God, Maya I’m being so selfish…. you are hurting so much right now and I’m just blabbing away…. I hope you get your dreams tonight, and I hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us! Lots of love!!!!!

  3. Lori

    Maya, my heart is just breaking for you! I wish I could endure your pain, so you wouldn’t have to. I wish Ronan were in your arms right now. I wish so many things for your family, but most of all, I wish you all peace. You can say whatever words you need to say. I happen to think the F bomb is a great word, it can be used as a noun, verb, adjective, etc…how many other words can be used like that? As far as I’m concerned, you can stand in the middle of a church and scream it at God. You lost your baby and no one has the right to judge your words or actions. No one can tell you the right way to grieve…you do whatever makes you feel the slightest bit better. You are an amazing and strong woman and Ronan is proud of you. I’m certain Woody, Quinn and Liam are proud of you too. I don’t know how, but you’re holding it together and putting your family first, even though it would be much easier to hide in your bed. I hope Ronan visits you in your dreams tonight. XOXO

    Lori

  4. Rosemary S.

    Dear Maya, I am really so sorry for your family’s HUGE loss. I hope to also be able to see that cancers of any type be figured out in my life time. How much freakin’ money do we have to throw at “research” before a cure is found anyway?! It’s ridiculous. It’s appalling!

    Dreams. My mom died of breast and bone cancer in 1998. Since I was her caregiver (and loved her dearly); I was right in those awful trenches watching and crying as this horrid monster took her from me. When she passed, I was sooo hoping that I would dream of her. I really got torn up inside because she would never come to me in dreams. I talked to my pastor’s wife who gave me something to think about. She told me that she was “glad” that I didn’t see her in my dreams at this time…that meant that my mother had passed over to heaven and was at peace. I guess I had never thought of it all that way. She told me to talk to her, to cry for her, to remember her fully…but to not be worried if I didn’t dream of her. She told me that pure love now surrounded me. Oddly enough, me being told that helped. I hope in some small way, it helped you as well. It also could just be that I am blabbing on and on. (sorry)
    As for the words you use…this is YOUR blog, your story…you can say it any way you want. If others don’t like it, they can “talk to the hand” and go bye-bye!
    “hugs”
    PS. Thank you for sharing with me and others. I am honored.

  5. Lindsey Hall

    Maya,
    You are an amazing woman, please never forget that. Forget all those people who are giving you grief about the F bomb, it is a strong emotional word and you have evry right to use it, you just lost your child for goodness sakes. You use that word out of emotion, not to offend those who are reading your amazing blog. All I have to say to those people is Fuck them! They have no idea what you are going through and they have no right to give you grief about your expression of words. You go on and use any words you want to explain how you feel, no one should repress their true feelings for anyone. They are just as ignorant as the Hollywood gossip because it is a waste of precious time to analyze the words of a grieving mother. If they don’t like it, they should stop reading it. I am thankful that you are able to open up to us, it gives life a whole new outlook. You are an amazing woman and mother and you should not be ashamed of any word that you choose to use, it is your life, your blog…those who don’t like it can fuck off!
    I wish you and your family nothing but the best and hope that you all find peace in your wonderful memories of your beautiful baby boy.
    Love, Lindsey from Idaho

  6. Jera

    I need a fucking tissue. I think about you and your boys many times a day. I post your blog and tell friends to get real and a tissue. There is no sense in any of this, just keep climbing that mountain.
    P.S. I love the word fuck, it just releases a little rage we all carry. I wish I could take some of yours.

  7. W.

    I remember the first time I realized it had been a whole ten minutes since I had thought about my best friend’s death. It was weird. Then it was weird when it had been a whole hour since I had thought about him and his death. And seeing his ashes, and before that his body without life, it was like life was on slow motion and i was moving through hardening cement. It wasn’t my child, but someone important being taken when you don’t expect it is fucking hard. And it gets more manageable. Not easier, maybe easier, but things just start moving. They move, and it takes a long time, but they move. And you feel good, and you feel guilty, and you feel broken, and you feel shuddery, and you feel like your loved one is here and all around and gone at the same time. And you go on. And you love your family. And you will be ok, and a little lost, but ok. Just take it one day at a time, and know that you are surrounded by love and hope and anger and tears and love.

  8. Erin Riek

    Your family and your story have consumed my thoughts for the last couple weeks. Especially these last few days. I feel like I’ve been walking around in a stupor trying to snap out of exactly what you said, this funk. Waiting for your next post, worrying about your sweet little family and wondering if your doing o.k. I think the last time I felt this down about how cruel life can be was right after September 11th. I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter and feeling so depressed that I was about to bring a baby into such a cruel and scary world. How would I be able to protect and keep safe, not only the little 4 year old I already had but now a new little baby. Those 2 little girls are older now and 9 years later after a hard divorce and struggle to find my own way I find myself blessed to be remarried and starting all over again as a new mommy with a 10 month son and a baby girl on the way. Life can be so scary and hard and full of challenges and trials but we have to be brave and courageous like your little Ronan and continue on. I have learned that we are resilient as humans. We find ways to carry on.
    I think You really nailed it with this post. All the ridiculously stupid worldly things that are constantly what is considered news worthy or print worthy. Its so silly. Actually it’s insulting to my intelligence. Your story and many others really puts life in perspective. My birthday is May 10th, 2 days after mothers day and I remember feeling so irritated that I was in the kitchen cooking dinner for the family on mothers day and then they let me clean it all up. Then on my birthday my husband was working late so I spent the afternoon picking up kids from school taking them to practices and then for a real treat hit the taco bell drive through (my kids favorite place) on the way home for dinner. I went to bed feeling so annoyed. This was all of course before I started reading your blog. How selfish and blind I was to have completely not missed all those precious gifts I had right in front of me?? I feel like a real jackass now.
    I hope your heart does not feel as heavy tomorrow. My thoughts as well as hundreds of others are with you all always.

  9. Laura

    You are making amazing progress. Really proud of you. You are doing great, and you are doing all the right things for you beautiful twins. I am glad Ryan house was comfortable for the boys.
    Our sons ashes ar are also on a high dresser in our bedroom. It is sort of comforting to me to know he is there. You are doing everything that you could do in the right direction. So proud of you. Don’t ever let anyone ever judge you or anyone in your family, no one has walked the same path. I’m glad Woody take comfort in things, what a great husband and partner you have. We love and are keeping your entir family in our prayers. Call if you or Woody ever need anybody to listen, we are there for you and proud of what wonderful examples you are of terrific parents!

  10. Jennifer

    Thank you for sharing so honestly with us. It has opened my eyes and seriously drop F bombs!! This is YOUR blog!!
    I’m here in WA state and would love to order bracelets. I will try to email you an order request.

  11. Jodi

    You are all right.Maya continue writing just the way you have been, it is your blog. If there is someone who doesn’t like your word choice then they can fuck off and they do not have to read it. You Go Girl. Tell it how it is.

  12. Dawn

    Maya…we need to meet one day. I feel we will!!
    I have your back…..so many people will support you.

    I agree so much with your comment about people taking up space…boy is that the truth!
    And really people are offended about the F word…what the hell is wrong with them. You are not forcing them to read this….it is their choice and sometimes they better enter with caution. THis is your blog and you can say whatever you want.
    So sorry that they is their issue! Man- what gives!
    xoxo

  13. Michele

    Wow! Just don’t read the blog if the language is offensive! Maya,what most disgusts me is that u are going thru this. Feel good that you have started this outrage about the fact that cancer is not cured!! I have my priorities so in place now! You and Ro are to thank. Yall are changing this world!! I think of you and your family many times a day. I love you!!

  14. Maria

    I agree with you dear.momma Maya, this world is too consumed by meaningless bullshit….and it blows my mind that some people seem to be bothered when you use profanity, it is just a word…they should be offended by the word cancer or maybe a little upset when the lords name is cursed(but I know your in pain Maya, and I dont judge you on bit for what you said) but never the less, this is the world we live in and its such a sad place. My prayers are always with you and the family sweet Maya, you are brave, stong and beautiful….thank you for sharing Ronan with us, his story has already changed thousands of people, myself included!!
    Xoxo

  15. Emly Innocenti

    The people who are having a hard time with what you say or how you’re saying it are idiots. You’re right, Fuck is just a stupid word, but somehow it can make us feel the tiniest bit better by saying it. If people can’t tolerate you using Fuck in your blogs or can’t tolerate your raw, pure, honesty and emotion then they don’t need to be reading your blogs. Honestly, I can’t even believe someone has even commented on it and I can’t believe that they are not more disturbed and offended by what is happening and what has happened in your life and what has happened to Ro. THAT’S the part everyone should be upset about, not a harmless little 4-letter word. Dumbasses……

  16. Heather

    I really commend you for being so raw with your emotions, for writting to Ronan and to those that follow your blog and holding nothing back – you need that outlet, it’s important and I hope you keep it up for as long as you can. I am sure a lot of us share your feelings and I for one wish I could be so open with how I feel – I lost my precious little boy to the NB monster too ( a year ago) and reading your blog brings tears to my eyes because I know and feel this same type of pain, but also a smile to my face because of your candid way of expressing the things “other” parents/people just have no understanding about – you say so much of what I wish I could say to people, for myself. Describing how it feels to lose a child – I’ve yet to be able to put that into words other than it Fucking sucks, no matter how you try to wrap your head and heart around it! I like your analogy though, because it’s true you do feel like you have been buried alive, like the life has been sucked out of your lungs and you wonder how in the world you are still able to “function” it fucking sucks, it fucking hurts, and it won’t fucking go away! I actually get a chuckle out of the way you throw the F’bomb around – I have a bad potty mouth too – except my trigger is always F’ing Whore – don’t ask, cause I have NO idea but I always feel a bit better when I drop that…
    You’re not alone in this shitty ass club we now unwillingly belong to, I’d love to be a person you could vent to if you ever wanted/needed, to share stories about our boys, the little people they were before, during and after NB – I am just a stranger but one that knows what these shitty shoes we wear everyday feel like…
    Believe and trust in the signs you feel you get from Ronan – they are real!

    1. Mary

      Oh my Heather – I am so sad and sorry for you and your loss. I will pray for you and your family too and hope you also find strength, comfort and peace. xoxoxo

  17. Amanda Kop

    ******Seriously, this is obviously NOT a blog that is written for its readers…it is written for you Maya, the rest of us are just hitchhikers on your journey…hoping to say something and hope something that will make your day a tiny bit more tolerable. Say whatever the hell you want. If they don’t like it, they can stop reading and miss out on the opportunity to know you. To put so much power in a word like that…ridiculous. I agree…cancer should be the word that makes people be horribly offended.

    You are an amazing family…we all continue to send you love. My has been talking about Ronan a lot lately. He is sad for you guys and asks how he can miss a boy he’s never met. I said that you don’t have to know someone to have them touch your heart.

    I just want to mention again that fundraiser here in San Diego on the 4th. They are going to have Star Wars people! Maybe you can mention it.
    ******** http://www.maxsringoffire.org *******

    1. Kim

      What a neat event. We are heading to San Diego for Memorial Day, but won’t be there on the 4th. I’m going to send it to all my S.D. friends, though, to try to get the word out!

  18. Emily

    I don’t have much to say as I can’t even imagine such an immense tragedy as this. I just wanted to let you know that I was told about your blog yesterday and have been glued to it ever since. I have been spreading the word through my facebook and I just want to try to get as many people as I can to at least read your story, if not become more involved in the fight. Although I’ve only known this story for less than 24 hours, I feel so sad. It’s hard to even come up with words that could pass as encouraging… so all I can say, Maya and family, is we’re all here… listening, waiting, and crying.

    P.S. Ronan is the most adorable little boy ever! And my boyfriend and I both agreed that he’s got style 🙂

  19. Jaime Harris

    Maya- I think about you all the time and when I do, my eyes well up with tears. I am so sorry for your loss. Ronan was a special little boy. I am continuing to pray for you and Woody through this difficult time. I hope you can eventually find some peace and joy again in this crazy life. In my thoughts and prayers always….

  20. Tameka

    I have been reading your blog and was contemplating leave a comment. I too have lost a child while not to cancer, it is never easy. I just wanted to send you some words of comfort and encouragement. Your child is safe, he is now whole and complete in a new body where there is no pain or sorrow. He is in heaven with Our Father, and my son. I know the difficulty of figuring out how to move on, but you just keep going not just for you but your kids. I am praying for you and your family that God will be your comfort and strength during this time.

  21. Glenda

    Maya, I think of you, your family and especially Ronan daily. I come to your blog first thing in the morning or last thing at night to see if you’ve posted.

    I’m so glad that taking the boys to the Ryan House was comfortable for them. Baby steps mama bear! Ronan will guide you!

    When you curse you are releasing anger, pain and stress. Just do it! 😉 Continue expressing yourself as you do. Your emotions are raw and real and that’s what I love about you.

    I hope Rockstar Ro came to your sweet dreams.
    Thinking of you both! XO

  22. aw

    You are an amazing writer, and so strong to write about such things. I hope this Blog never ends. I want you to find a cure, and I want to help too. Your blog has changed my life, and so many others, I’m sure.

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  24. Maureen

    Fuck. I still wish I was fucking magic.
    I, like so many others, am a better person because of you. If I could only return the favor.
    Peace is my prayer.

  25. MK

    You are an incredible woman and reading your words is like reading my own after loosing my daughter nearly 16 years ago. If people don’t like the language you are using here, tough. This is your personal blog and your personal sense of expression. I can tell you that I lost about 6 months of my life and memory after my daughter died from something I could not protect her from. If I had a medium back then to write out loud, such as you do in your amazing blog, I would have…but I was too overwhelmed to even think. Everything you are feeling right now is your right to feel…do NOT let others edit your emotions. No!!!

  26. Mary

    I agree with all the posters who say CANCER is the foulest word on the planet. Maya – you are so fucking real and so fucking right. Sending Love and Prayers to you always.

  27. Murray

    The world is full of busy-bodies who are too busy judging the wrong people for the wrong reasons and trying to make everybody else just like them. Well, that just isn’t going to happen. You are bang on about the miss-guided sense of importance in the world around us and this obsession people have with the use of the fuck word is just one more example of it. Be well. As well as you can be. Don’t be distracted by the opinions of others. Follow your heart and stay true to the love in your heart and you will not go wrong. You are surrounded by the real love of your family and by the surreal love of your blog fans and even though you can’t feel it now, the love of Ronan. Try to focus on that.

  28. Faith

    Wow…I’m with everyone else. If people are so righteous that their precious eyes can’t read “Fuck” they don’t need to read your blogs. Are they missing the point? Are they hearing you when you say don’t worry about the petty things in life? Guess not. They seemed to be more concerned about your words than your aching heart. Ok my ranting is over. I know there are no words that anyone can say to make your pain go away. We all can only wish you the best and send kind thoughts and prayers. Im really not good with getting the right words out of my head so I apologize for that. I hope this makes sense. Bless you and your family. Bless Ronan.

  29. kim

    girl I ache for you, my heart just aches for you…I wanted to pass this on to you..I was in the car and this song came on my pandora radio….when I listened to it, it sounded to me what it must feel like, wanting that prescious baby back with you…Im not really an Enya fan but this songs words were haunting….The name of the song is “If I could be where you are” By Enya

    Maya, you are in my thoughts everyday as will Ronan be forever 🙂

  30. ROBIN

    Maya, we’ve never met but I am in awe of your strength, courage. I have no words other than I am so incredibly sad at the loss of your little Rockstar, your little seal. You scream, cry, rage, throw things and if you need to throw some F bombs… U do it, girl!!! Count me in as one of Maya’s mafia!! We have your back, precious one!! hugs to you and may little Ronan visit you in your dreams like you wished for!

  31. Angela

    Wow. You are one amazing mother. Your kids should be so lucky to have you as their mother. It is so incredibly wrong that your little 3 year old was taken from your family because of this ugly disease. Through reading your blog (in Ontario Canada) I feel an ounce of your pain and could not imagine what you’re going through. Ronan was on earth for such a short time, but know he touched so many lives including mine. The little things do not matter.
    Tonight and always I will hold my babies extra tight.

  32. amanda

    You say whatever you feel like saying!! This is YOUR blog and FUCK the people who have any problems with whatever you want to say. We are here to support you!!!

  33. Dottie Hanna

    Hi Maya. My heart breaks for you. Your baby boy was the most beautiful child. I know how much you miss him and how you feel like your heart is broken into a million pieces.

    I too lost my youngest boy. He was much older than Ronan. And he didn’t die of cancer. But he was my best friend. Our family didn’t feel complete until he came along. Michael and I were so close. I couldn’t imagine how I could go on living without him.

    Your explanation of feeling burried alive is spot on. And not being able to breathe…I felt that too. It has been 5 long years since I saw his face, and I still miss him every minute. But there is hope for your future. There will come a day when you can remember him without crying or feeling like your heart might stop beating. I hope that day comes sooner for you. After all, you have two loving boys to take care of. They give you a reason to keep going. I am praying for all of you and I just wanted you to know that I love Ronan too. How could anybody not love him after reading your/his story. I have cried with you and I hope to smile with you someday. Peace, love and blessings to you dear Maya. There will be a very special place in heaven with Ro when it is your time to leave this earth.
    xoxo Dottie

  34. Nikki

    Yes, the word FUCK has a horrible stigma, but childhood cancer should have an even greater one!!! You can use the word all you want in my book. You are incredibly brave, Ronan got that from you!

  35. Jen

    You are entitled to use any and every F Bomb there is!!!
    If anyone says different they have NO clue what you are going through & neither do I which is why I say FUCK all of those who think you should be who THEY want you to be and say what they want you to say! Just keep being you we all Love and support you… FUCK CANCER

  36. Pingback: Happily Ever After

  37. Kelly Gibson

    Fuck all the bad in the world! You use the fuck word anytime you want. I have cried my eyes out reading your blog and I just want you to know Ronan touched my heart and my soul. I feel for your loss…

  38. theunknownteacher

    Say Fuck as much as you want whenever you want. So what if people are offended. If ANYONE ever the right to say FUCK it is a parent who just buried their child. How DARE someone chastize you over your word choice. If that is the only thing they have taken away from reading your raw, real words, then FUCK them. Scream it from the mountain top. You have earned the right to do so.

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