Ronan. I say your name out loud, when no one else is around 20 times a day. Every time I say it, I start to cry. I call out for you, expecting you to appear. You don’t. I don’t understand this. I don’t understand how you, my baby, are gone. I don’t want to understand this; I just want you back. I’ve tried as best I can to go about my life but everything is still standing still. I’ve been taking your brothers to school, picking them up, doing the laundry…. nothing feels right. Today, I let your brothers stay home from school. Your daddy slept with Liam last night and Quinn slept with me in here, where you and I used to sleep. We both cuddled with your GiGi all night. We took turns sharing it. It still smells just the way you loved it; like fresh, clean laundry. I woke up last night at 3 a.m. Close to the time you passed away almost 12 days ago. I tried to go back to sleep but just tossed and turned until early morning. I then fell back asleep and when I woke up Quinn’s hand was intertwined in mine as he slept. I watched him and thought of you. I hoped he was having sweet dreams about you as he slept away. We all miss you so much.
We spent the morning around the house. It took a lot for me to talk myself into getting our day started. I wanted to hide in my bed all day but I knew I couldn’t. I smashed a plate on purpose today. You know the one. The one on the ledge in front of the window of our sink. The one that somebody gave to your daddy and I as a gift on our wedding day. It had a picture of a bride and a groom on it with the words, “Happily Ever After.” I took that plate and smashed it into a million pieces. Do you know why? Because on that ledge sat our plate, your ashes in your urn, and the mini plates that have you, Liam and Quinn’s little faces painted on with your birthday as well. How fucked up is that, Ronan?? Your ashes just sitting there between Happily Ever After and you and your brothers?? I smashed that plate and wish I could say I felt better. I didn’t but I was tired of looking at it. And now it is gone; just like that. I moved you into our room too. I don’t want you in our kitchen… what if somebody threw a ball and broke you? I’ve had severe anxiety about that. You now sit on a high dresser in our bedroom. I kiss you every morning and every night. You feel better in here.
I told Liam and Quinn that I had set up some time for them to go to The Ryan House today to talk with someone about what had just happened to us. They were both annoyed that they had to go but I bribed them with a play date with Luca afterwords. I asked if they were o.k. with going back to The Ryan House. They said they were. It was me who had the hardest time wrapping my head around it but I talked myself into it for them. I need that place to be a source of comfort for them and I don’t want them to be scared of it. Going back there today was the right thing to do. I had Liam and Quinn get ready and I took them for lunch at Wally’s before. We talked about you a lot and how weird it is to be out doing things without you. Liam talked about what great weather it is for May here. We all agreed that it is because of you. I told them that anything good that happens in their life will be because of you and because you are watching over them. They both smiled.
Walking through the doors to The Ryan House was hard. I had to sit in my car for a while before. Fernanda came down to meet me to help me. She knew I needed her hand to hold today. Together, we held hands and walked with Liam and Quinn through the doors. I almost threw up. I tried to push the memory of you there out of my head. You were not happy. I still cannot process the thought of actually taking you there to die. I have still have no idea how we even got you there. Then I remember the pain you were in. You were hurting so badly but you refused to show it.I remembered how just picking you up was painful to you, but you tried so hard to hide it. Remembering these things makes me lose my mind. The thought of you in pain destroys me. Almost as much as you being gone.
Once inside The Ryan House we met up with Jenny and Karen. I took in a deep breath and focused on what I was there to do, which was to pour all of my energy into Liam and Quinn. The five of us went back into the playroom. We played a game that kind of broke the ice. We then went on to reading flashcards with a face on the front of them expressing an emotion. We all went around the room and talked about our card and what feeling it was displaying. One of Liam’s cards was happy. Karen asked Liam the last time he felt happy was. He said it was the last time he was with you. I tried really hard not to cry in that room today; but I did. I quickly wiped away the tears before I got too upset. I think it is o.k. for Liam and Quinn to see me cry, but not before I become an uncontrollable mess. A controlled cry around them is o.k. Heathy, I think. Jenny then pulled out a glass jar and put it in the middle of the table. She had cut out purples stars and your brothers and I all took turns writing down a favorite memory of you and putting it in the jar. This caused more tears to pour down my cheeks. Liam talked about being in Washington with you. Quinn talked about your love for ASU. I talked about last summer, in Coronado and how crazy you were in the baby pool. How you had no fear and how we called you Baby Danger because of the way you would jump off the deck and into the water. We left The Ryan House and Liam and Quinn were happy. Quinn told me he actually really liked it. We are going to take a break for summer but will get back to it when we return. We need to work on some core family things first.
In your almost 4 years of life and you were never scared of a thing; even laying on a freaking radiation table while everyone had to leave you alone in the room. Do you know how amazing that is, Ro? Most people walk around their entire lives being too scared to live the life they want; so they just settle. You would have never settled for anything. You would have turned this world upside down with your beauty and confidence, yet your old, sweet soul. You had it all figured out, my little seal. You inspire me everyday and once I get out of this funk…. I promise to make you proud. I just need a little time. Nothing feels good now. Not even smiling or laughing. The T.V. just seems like unnecessary noise and I cannot even have it on. The thought of going to a movie makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Eating is a joke as nothing tastes good. The only somewhat enjoyment I get is the pain from running my ass up Camelback Mountain. The pain from that feels therapeutic to me. Plus, it’s the closest to you that I’ll ever get; for a while anyway.
Your daddy told me tonight how he gets though his days by thinking about how happy you were, even though you were so sick. How he knows you were never scared because we kept you so safe. This gives him comfort. He also told me he knows your safe wherever you are now. I wish I could say it was such a happy, uplifting conversation, but it wasn’t. I then went into how that is bullshit… how does he know you are safe?? You are not with me; so therefore in my mind; you are not safe. It was my job as your mommy to make sure you were safe and now that you are gone, I don’t know what in the heck you are doing. I would like to think you are bouncing on clouds in heaven and eating candy galore with all of your beautiful new friends. But even if you are; you still don’t get to be with us up there and I know that is what you want. You could be walking the streets of Vegas alone at 2 a.m. and I would never know. My point is; I would love to believe in the fairy tales but until there is hardcore proof (I see a vision of Ronan on a cloud or something) I’m still worried. I still think you are lost and no matter what, I cannot find you. It is the worst feeling in the world, Ronan. Being without you is not being at all.
It is funny what becomes important to you after something like this happens. You care less about the things that used to mean so much to you in life because you then come to find out; they didn’t mean jack shit. People, Magazines, Television, Celebrity Gossip, The Nightly News is a joke. Who cares that Arnold had a freaking love child. There are more important things to be dealing with in this day and age. Enough with the garbage that fills our daily lives. It’s embarrassing. The people who are taking up space in this world are becoming dumber and dumber by the second. Everyone needs to stop and take a look around and see what it really means to be a good, decent, human being. What it really means to focus your time and energy into what is going to make this world a better place. Trust me, you ain’t going to find it on the cover of O.K. magazine. If I have to see one more of those Kardashian girls on the cover, I may light it on fire right there in the grocery store. STOP THE MADNESS! These girls are not good role models for our society. It needs to be people that actually do good in the world and changes the things the world chooses to focus on. Like Childhood Cancer! I don’t understand how our future generation of amazing kids are just getting thrown away and it is due to the lack of awareness. Unexceptable!!!!!
Whoa, Ro baby! I think I just went on a rant and lost track of writing to you. See how you inspire me though. You are my little fireball and I promise to work my hardest to make things happen so no other parent has to go through this again. I promise you before I die, there will be a cure for this disease. I love you so much. We all loved you so much. We will not let you down, Ronan. Something has to be done.
G’nite baby boy. I hope you visit me in my dreams. If you do, I promise to sing you twinkle twinkle little star and rub your back like we always did. I miss you my beautiful boy. See you in my dreams.
Also, one thing that I have figured out is exactly how I am feeling after just losing my precious son. I’ve totally figured it out. I feel like I’ve been buried alive and I feel like this pretty much 24 hours a day. I often feel like I cannot breathe, I’m alone, I’m swallowing dirt and choking, I can’t see, it’s dark and it’s cold. So, if someone ever asks me how it feels to lose a child; that will be my answer. Just imagine being buried alive.
One more little thing….. I’ve been getting a little feedback about the F bomb that I tend to use on this blog as people seem to have a hard time with it. I don’t understand that… It’s just a word. People should not be so offended by the Fuck word but more offended by the word Childhood Cancer. At least the F bomb’s never killed a child.
Goodnight my loves