When all else fails, go to a concert. Even when all you want to do, is hide under the covers.

Happy 4th of July, Ro baby. This is our second one, without you. Today was o.k. We didn’t put much pressure on making sure we were doing the traditional celebrating of the 4th of July. Traditional seems funny now, so we just kind of make up our own ways to get through the day. We all slept in. Macy is here and I always sleep better when she is around. She’s sleeping in your room which brings me comfort as well. We all slept in. We woke up and decided to go for Mexican food. It was a rainy day here which you know I loved. It made me smile. I had a little break down 10 second cry fest when I found myself in your closet, with Macy, grabbing sweatshirts as I keep most of my winter things, in with yours. We were smushed together, in your closet, with your little clothes, hats, and shoes surrounding us. “I can’t be in here,” Macy said as tears started to form. I just told her I knew and we grabbed our things and got out of your closet as fast as we could. Your brothers and daddy were waiting for us so there wasn’t much time to let the tears pour that were wanting to so badly. I had to pull it together for everyone despite the fact that all I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball in your closet and not come out for the entire day. I didn’t. We went for Mexican food like we had planned. After that we came home and Macy and I ran out the the grocery store. I know you know how much I used to love to cook. It was one of my favorite things to do. I don’t do it very much anymore. It’s hard for me to concentrate on things and cooking for everyone, while you are dead, makes me sick to my stomach. It’s one of the mental blocks in my head that I just can’t seem to get past. I was determined today to make your daddy and brothers a good meal. I grabbed my Julia Child cookbook and jotted down a recipe. I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening cooking away in our kitchen while I listened to the sounds of Macy’s giggles, Quinn begging to help, while your daddy and Liam played some video game. Your daddy kept saying how good the house smelled but I can honestly tell you, I couldn’t smell a thing. I felt like I was on autopilot mode as all I wanted to do was make it through cooking dinner, without burning a thing due to my brain that forgets to pay attention a lot. Mission complete and all I heard was how good everything turned out. It was bittersweet to spend the day cooking away without you sitting on the counter, to help me the way you used to love to do. I miss that so much.

I started that post a few days ago, little man. Much has happened since then. I had a board meeting. I spent much of the day, cooking away for it as we had it at our house where much of our meetings, take place. Macy is still here. She helped me in the kitchen all day. The meeting was great and really productive. A lot of decisions were made in regards to the event we are having for your on September 29th here at The W Hotel in Scottsdale. I think it is going to be really, really great. Our lovie, Charisma, offered to fly in and host the event for us as we wanted to have a celebrity host. I was so relieved when she offered to do this for me. It means so much to me having her be a part of this just for so many reasons but the biggest one of all being that she really knew you, loved you and continues to be such a strong support system in my life. I am excited about the plans we are putting in place. More on that as we figure them out. I promise to keep you all in the loop:)

Yesterday was a hard day for some reason. I dropped your brothers off at basketball camp and ran some errands with Macy. We stopped at Rita’s for a bit to talk about some things with her and see that little Dragon of hers as well. I played Star Wars with him on the floor and he made me be Master Yoda. You would have liked it. It was too much for Macy to watch so she had to leave the room. Little Dragon went down for a nap and I joined Macy and Rita in the livingroom. I guess I was being quiet. Rita looked at me and said, “Are you going to cry?” I put on my tough face and said, “No. I’m just thinking.” Lies. I had been on the verge of a massive tear fest all day long. We left Rita’s as we had some things to do before our Foster the People concert. I was driving in the car with Macy and it was pretty quiet. We were listening to some C.D. that I had playing. One of my favorite songs came on, “Silver Coin,” by Angus and Julia Stone. Macy said how she had never heard the song before. I told her how it was one of my favorites. We listened and soon my face was covered in the wet, salty tears that I am so familiar with as they sometimes never seems to stop. She looked over at me, didn’t say a word, and just started rubbing my shoulders and held my hand. I knew she was crying too. We pulled over in the Biltmore parking lot and just sat for a good 45 minutes, not talking much at first, but just crying for a long time. We stayed that way until Rita got to our car as we were supposed to meet her for a little girly time, before the concert. Rita looked at me in the car and said, “Why do you always say you are o.k., when you are not?” I just told her, “Because I am never o.k.” The tears continued to fall and the plans that we had, were changed. A new plan of some girly time on a couch at a restaurant happened instead where we sat and talked, laughed, and cried. I was not feeling like going to the concert at all. Rita told me that I didn’t have to go. I told her yes I did. Because if I didn’t go, I would die. She said she knew. She got my metaphor.

We parted ways and all met up at our house. A group of us went to the concert. Me, your Daddy, Macy, Rita, Danielle, Dave, Stacy, Kenny, Carolyn, and Cory. My sadness was still heavy but I was able to let go of it during the night for a bit to get lost in the world that I love and adore so much. Music. My escape. My heart. My happiness. It destroys me that you never got to hear Foster the People as their C.D. came out after you passed away. I know you would have been just as obsessed with them, as I am. I spent the rest of the evening singing and dancing my heart out with the friends that I am so lucky to have. It was just what I needed lift the heaviness that I carry around with me 24 hours a day. It’s morning now. I am hoping today will be a little less sad. I am thinking I see some inferno hiking happening. Macy has been begging to be introduced to it. Today will be a good day as you know that exercise is one of the things that makes me feel better.

I love you, little man. I hope you are safe. I miss you so very much. I’m so very sorry.

xoxo

Ro baby. Your song for the night. And an epic picture!

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GMQLjzVGfw

 

This picture made my freaking week!!!!! Mark Foster from Foster the People and Kimbra wearing a Rockstar Ronan bracelet. ¬†And notice his star tattoos! We think this is a sign. Thank you, Teddy. Take good care of that mama of yours for me. I’m working on some big things for the both of you. I love you.

xoxo

I told you FTP wrote the soundtrack to my life

 

 

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

Yeah we’re locked up in ideas
We like to label everything
Well I’m just gonna do here what I gotta do here
‘Cause I gotta keep myself free
You’re ducking and moving just to hide your bruises from all your enemies
And I’m in the crossfire dodging bullets from your expectancies

We’ve got nothing to lose
You better run and hide
Yeah you’ve crossed the line
I’ve got a knife behind my back (just sayin’)
We’ve got nothing to prove
Your social guides give you swollen eyes
But what I’ve got can’t be bought so you can just

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

You’ve taken your words and you take your judgments
And stick them onto everything
If it don’t conform to what you were born into,
Then you run the other way
You say, “now what’s your style and who do you listen to?” who cares?
Well that rat race ladder-climbing fake-face smile’s got nothing on me

We’ve got nothing to lose
You better run and hide
Yeah you’ve crossed the line
I’ve got a knife behind my back (just sayin’)
We’ve got nothing to prove
Your social guides give you swollen eyes
But what I’ve got can’t be bought so you can just

Call it what you want
Call it what you want
I said just call it what you want
Call it what you want

No sugar coating necessary

Ro baby. Today has been a very long day, with no end in sight. Here it is, 1 a.m. and I’ve almost been awake for a full 24 hours. I don’t really know what is going on, but this week has been really, really, hard. I do know what is going on…. you are not here which makes everything feel wrong. Your Daddy is right next to me, out like a light. I envy his sleep. I hope you are bringing him good dreams tonight as he has had awful dreams about you. That makes me sad.

I didn’t sleep well last night at all. I remember trying to fall asleep and my pillow was soon soaked with tears. Silent tears which are the worst. The tears that I am so good at hiding, as I don’t need anyone trying to comfort me because I am o.k. Right, Ro? Nobody needs to worry, because I am going to be alright. Everybody seems to know this, except me. I’m starting to think that everyone is crazy. And here, all along, I thought I was the crazy one. I am learning that I am in fact not. Everyone else is for thinking that I can survive this. Because as of now, I really, really, don’t want to. I just want to be with you and I’m not shy about saying so. I tried last night, to fall asleep in bed with your Daddy like the good wife that I am supposed to be. I couldn’t do it. I kept thinking to myself, how can I possibly sleep, without kissing you goodnight. I wanted more than anything to sneak into your room and find you sleeping in your bed. I got up, went out to the living room and had a flash back of finding you on the couch late one night. I found you, crying softly as you tried to stop the bloody nose that you had. I swear I saw you last night, sitting there again. You are haunting me but not in a good way. In a way that makes me feel so guilty and scared. I replay the images of you at your worst over and over in my head again. It’s like a movie I am watching, where you know the ending is going to be bad, but you just have to keep watching anyway. There is no shutting it off.

Little one. I passed out after starting that last night. Passed out cold. I crawled into the bottom bunk bed where Quinn sleeps, except he was up top with Liam. I curled up in Quinn’s bed, with your GiGi and fell into a deep, dreamless, sleep. I’m sure I had dreams, but I cannot remember. I woke up groggy today and really, really, sad. I put on my best smile, got showered, dressed, and put on my best mommy face for your brothers as I took them to school. After drop off, I came home and now here I sit. In bed. I’m wearing the “Fuck God,” shirt that I had made. Yup. I did. “Fuck God,” on the front and “Fuck Cancer, too,” on the back. Deal with it. If you are up there, Ro…. playing on your white, fluffy cloud, while chasing around Master Yoda, and hanging out with “God,” can you ask him a few things for me?? I have some questions that he needs to answer. I really don’t think “he,” exists, but humor me because everyone else seems to believe in him. Can you ask him, if he is really the one in charge of this world, then why he would have allowed this to happen?? What makes him think that he loves you more than I love you?? Because that is not fucking possible. Then can you please give him a swift kick in the balls for me for taking you away to be with him. What a selfish PRICK. Can you please ask him, if he is real, than what makes him think that you were supposed to be the “chosen one.” I highly doubt you wanted to be the lucky one, to leave this earth, so you could go and do something better with your time. I know all you want is to be here with me. With your Daddy and brothers, playing football or Rockband. Causing trouble every where you went, all while melting everyone who came into contact with you, with your big blue eyes and beautiful, perfect face. Can you ask God, what mother deserves to go thought this?? And how he decides this?? How in the world can he justify the Hell he is putting me through? If he gives you some bullshit answer, such as heaven needed anther angel, can you please kick him in the balls for me again. You are indeed an angel, baby. But not the kind that needed to go to heaven. You were my angel and were meant to be here on this earth, for a very long time. I am really pissed at “God,” and his fucking plan for you. I am your mom, I am the one who was supposed to make a plan for you. My plan, never in a million years, would have involved you getting cancer and dying from it. If God gives you some justifiable answers…. which is bullshit because there are not any…. than I guess you can give him a hug for me. You can also tell him, the only way that I will forgive him is if this life is not truly the life we were meant to live together. That after this Hell of a life that is now mine, the next life I live will be spent with you and we will be together for a thousand years. I will survive this Hell of a life, holding on to that little sliver of hope that you are waiting for me on the other side and we will get to come back to live happily ever after, the next time around. God has a lot of fucking making up to do. Fucking Asshole.

The tears are endless today and I’m not leaving bed until I have to get your brothers from school. I’m hiding today as I deserve to. It’s been a while since I’ve done this and I am feeling really beat down from all the constant going, going, going…..that I have done. Yesterday, I met with Dr. Joanne. I was crying before I even got to the elevator to go up to her office. She had me do some homework that I finished and brought to our session. It involved sitting with the words I had written, 2 days after your diagnoses. I took those words, and wrote myself a letter from you. I read it out loud to her and cried while doing so. We talked a lot about my letter from you. I told her how you always called me, Mama… never Mommy or Mom. I loved hearing the way you called me Mama, so much. It was one of my favorite things about this life. We talked a lot about you, me, and my grief, Inferno Fuckwad Bob. The work I do with her is always hard, but it is worth it as I leave there feeling as if I am making progress. I am surprised how easily is has been for me to just let the floodgates open with her. I know a big part of this is because when Dr. Joanne works with me, she does not push me… she pulls me. There is a big difference and we both know I don’t do well with people who push me. I will instantly throw up a big block wall and you will never get in. It’s my defense mechanism. I like to be pulled; I am o.k. with that. I can handle that.

We sat and talked about how everything I am feeling is normal. She told me that she has worked with a lot of people in her time, but not many choose to face the darkness head on like I am. I appreciated that. Darkness is inevitable in all of this. I don’t want to be afraid of it which is why I am choosing to embrace it, be open and honest about it. I often feel like I am a 10-year-old little girl again, who is lost in a big, black, dark forest. I know I have to keep walking and I cannot stop. I know there will come a time, when the thickness of the trees will clear, a bit of sunlight will peak through, and what awaits me is a huge, open field of flowers with you running through them to get to me. I’m not giving up on that picture, Ro. But I have a lot of walking to do, before I am going to get there. I am not afraid of the dark as long as I have you by my side, in any way shape or form. I know you loved me too much to have left me alone in this world without you. Our love will survive the darkness that surrounds me. You are my little light that will guide me through.

Last night, I went to a concert. Foster the People. FTP. Or as my lovie, who shall remain nameless, called them, “FTP….. yeah, it stands for Fuck the Police.” Dying laughing right now. Her words were in response to some guy that was hitting on her and he asked her if she knew what FTP meant. That was her smartass, genius response. I had a beautiful night, surrounded by amazing music and girls. You would love this band, Ronan. They are freaking amazeballs. If I were 18, I would totally abandon whatever I was doing and follow them around the country. Mark my words, they are going to be HUGE. We saw them play in a really small venue last night which is always the best. I’ll bet the next time that band tours, they will be playing in huge Arenas as I know they are going to blow up. Everybody needs this C.D. in their life. Oh, Foster. How I love you so. Monica…. thank you for swinging that extra ticket my way last night. It was just what the doctor ordered. You are a doll. As for you, FTP….. do you live inside my head? Your C.D., is the soundtrack for this hellish life that I live. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being Rockstars…. I hope you always stay true to your preppy, nerdy, smart, and passionate ways. You will forever own a piece of my heart because your music is such an escape for me. Thank you for being awesome. A band that Ronan would have LOVED. He had the best taste in music.

Alright little man. I’m going to cuddle up to your brothers now. I am tired after my day of crying and being angry at the world. It gets to be exhausting, feeling so many deep emotions that I have no control over. Please visit me tonight. Please let me know you are o.k. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Ronan. This picture haunts me. Those eyes say it all. Did you know? Did you know you were going to leave me all along? Did you know that Mama wasn’t going to be able to save you, even after I promised you I would. I broke my promise to you. I failed you. I let you down. I’m sorry I couldn’t fix you. I sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry for everything. I know you forgive me. But I will never forgive myself. Your eyes say it all, Ronan. You knew.