I happen to like 3 a.m.


Ronan. If I don’t write to you tonight, my head might explode. Today was one of those days where I cannot fall asleep because my head is spinning. There is so much going on here, that I can’t even see straight. What have I been doing? Running around like a chicken with its head cut off. September is right around the corner and we have so much going on and coming up that I don’t even know where to start, so I’m going to start somewhere completely random. Your brothers started school last week. Did I already tell you that in an earlier post? I cannot remember. They started the 4th grade. I can’t even believe that as the time has gone by so fast with those two. Of course, on their first day of school, I dropped them off and sat and watched them as they walked into school together, from my car. My heart broke into thousands of pieces not getting you to watch you walk into school with them. Would have it been kindergarten or first grade for you? Not sure, because of your almost summer birthday. If you would have survived cancer, I’ll bet we would have waited to start you in kindergarten until this year, so you would have been on the older side. I never thought I would be begging for the side effects of treatment from you cancer, but I would have given anything for those problems instead of having you just dead.

Just as I was sitting there, watching your brothers, I saw an old mom friend of mine, walking her little boy into school. An old ghost mommy friend as I like to call them, because at one time they existed, or did they? Sometimes I think they may have been just a figment of my imagination.

Crap. I know that lady, I thought to myself as I watched her walk her new kindergartener into the school. But I can’t place how I know her. Did I know her from my time with Liam and Quinn when they were at their preschool or did I know her from when you were there? Was she a Liam and Quinn kind of mommy friend or and Ronan kind of mommy friend? A ghostly past of my preschool mommy friends who went away after you got sick and died and who never looked back, or did I only know her during my blissfully happy days when I lived in happy land and childhood cancer did not exist. I run into those ghosts of my mommy past sometimes. Some days, I run screaming the other way. Some days, I smile and pretend like everything is o.k. or like my feelings are not hurt at all for the friendships I thought I had, but it turns out it was not as true as I had once thought in my mind. At the end of the day, I’m o.k. with it all though. The Fernanda’s, Stacy’s, Macy’s, and Mandy’s make everything more than o.k. in that department and I know, the one’s that stuck and fought for me and you… well, I am SO beyond lucky to have them as they rock my world every fucking day.

This week has been the kind of week where I am saying yes to everything that is thrown my way. Yes to the Gold Weekend in September.  Yes to the Spirithoods founder wanting to come out here to meet us and film a documentary next week.  Yes to helping Jim Fry drum up some press for his crazy kick ass bike ride through the Pyrenees. Yes to the interview where I will be featured once again in the Phoenix Magazines Movers and Shakers of the Valley. Yes to Liam and Quinn I am super mommy and can take on the world while helping you with your massive amounts of homework and whatever else you need. Yes to everything Poppy, of course. Yes to running on my very bummed out hurt knee that I obviously did something to over the summer, but I am choosing to ignore it because as I told Woody tonight, “If Ronan can go through cancer treatments, I can run on a fucking hurt knee.” Yes to everything while still making time to write this book which leaves me with little time to sleep or eat for that matter.

I can’t sleep and the whole eating thing is just getting in the way of what I am doing, so I’ve decided to take a break from that as well. I work best on fumes, anyway. Will I crack, will I break, will I have a massive super meltdown? I really hope not until after at least September. I’ve got too much to do as of now.

I’m also a little sad this week due to more than just your death. Remember that crazy ass stalker, Mandy Bee who swooped into my life like a Tasmanian devil? Who never claimed to be anything but a crazy stalker who just wanted to be my friend and who did things like drop off candy and leg warmers at my front door until I could not longer say no to becoming friends with her? What can I say, she learned my weaknesses early on. I mean candy AND leg warmers? I didn’t stand a chance. So, I let her into my life sometimes just a little and sometimes a lot. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed with amount of love she wanted to shower me with, so I would pull back a little. I often didn’t feel like I was worthy of the love she was wanting to give me.  Well, that crazy ass bitch moved right down the street and right when I was starting to become just as obsessed with her, as she is with me, she pulled the rug out from underneath me and is moving back to Canada. WTH, Ronan? That is not being a very good stalker, if you ask me. Mandy has become my side kick, my partner in crime and I’ve gotten really used to having her around. I am kind of heartbroken. I was texting about Mandy moving back to Canada with Stacy the other night. She said to me, “You know, all Mandy every wanted from you was your friendship. Nothing else.” I know this. It was never a friendship built on, I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine. It was always, I’m going to scratch your back, even if you don’t let me, I’m going to do it anyway, while jumping out of a plane and skydiving with you. Mandy never had alternative motive. The day I met her, she announced she was fucking crazy and never pretended to be anything but that. I’ve gotten quite used to that crazy and I love it. So yeah, I’m a little more than sad about it but once you are sisters in this world, you are sister for life. I know she won’t ever be too far away and she will be back her often, which will help to soften the blow just a little. I’m still super sad about it though and I really think the whole situation, sucks balls.

Poppy, Poppy, Poppy. Somebody today asked me if we had started up “Mommy and Baby” classes yet. I looked dumbfounded and said, “Uhhhh, no. Unless you count taking her to every single foundation meeting with me as mommy and baby time.” Crap. Aren’t I supposed to be starting music classes with her or something like that to get her “socialized?” I’m sure that’s what I was up to when I had you, Liam and Quinn at this age. Maybe 4 months is a little early, but I’m sure I was doing it at around 6 months. Whatever. We do take music classes every day and they are called Taylor Swift is rad. We sing and dance to her songs and Poppy likes it best when I lull her to sleep with them. Those classes with just the two of us are better than anything I could ever pay for.

Alright, little man. This is all for tonight. I’ve got to try to turn my brain off. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite, baby boy.


10 responses to “I happen to like 3 a.m.”

  1. Maya,
    It sucks that Mandy is leaving to Canada. But you are right in that you two are sisters now. Your relationship can only get stronger. I am sure there will be lots of phone calls, messages and packages of leg warmers and candy headed your way. 🙂 i hope that Liam and Quinn are having as good of a time as possible in the 4th grade. They are awesome boys and deserve nothing but the best. As far as Poppy goes, i really hope no one is expecting you to do the exact same things with her as you did with your three boys. I hope they realize that due to Ronan’s death you are a different person now. That you realize that there is no perfect hidden agenda or rulebook on how we should raise our kids. If the world was perfect then fucked up things like beautiful children dying from cancer wouldnt happen. You and Woody will do a great job at raising Poppy, just like you did with your three boys. It will just be done with a different perspective on life and a deeper understanding of what is truly important. This new perspective and understanding is just another one of the things Ronan has given you, although i wish more than anything he were still here. Your Ronan is a great influence on many aspects of so many peoples lives. His name and story will live on forever not only through the things he has taught your family, but in the way that his life has affected others. I think about your family every day and i think about how proud Ronan must be of all of you.

  2. Maya,

    Your fucken awesome. Don’t forget that! Wish I could be your stalker & live down the street from you sometimes. You make people like me feel right in this world.

  3. Maya, I think that your own brand of “Mommy and Me” classes with Poppy are better than anything you could ever do formally. I’m pretty sure Poppy will be beyond socialized so you have nothing to worry about. Sorry to hear that your Mandy is moving away but like you said, you are sisters for life. Distance does not diminish that. All you have to do is think of her and she’ll be right there in your heart.

  4. You are a perfect mother. Don’t ever forget that. Your children don’t. You are a force of nature in the best possible way. You are so loved.

  5. Here to listen – 3 am, 7 am, 1 pm, 6 pm. Cancer doesn’t take holidays, and neither will your mafia. Thanks for fighting for all these kids with all your heart. We know that’s the only way you know how. ❤ #mandyrocks

  6. My boys are almost 16, 14, 12, and 10 and we also take the “Taylor Swift is rad” music classes every day to and from school!

  7. RoMama,

    I’m sad Mandy is moving away…but real friends have a place in your heart…they are like stars…twinkling when you need them….there for the good and bad… knowing when to give you space when you need it and pulling you back in when you need it too!

    I know when I met you I told you the same thing “I didn’t want you to think I’m some crazy person” 🙂 I’d be there for you if you… I just don’t want to step on boundaries at all. xo

    I love your mommy/Poppy time… Taylor Swift! ❤

    rolove always rolove xo

  8. Friendships definitely change after you have a child/children die. I am so sorry to read that Mandy is moving away – there is a bond there that distance will not break. 2 of my close friends who helped me a lot after Jake and then Sawyer died moved far away.

    I love the “Taylor Swift is rad” music classes and I am sure Poppy loves them too.

    FU CANCER!!!

  9. you are amazing, never stop
    we do what we need to do


  10. Maya,
    I feel so bad for you…and for Ronan. He lived a happy life before he had to leave this world. I bawl my eyes out whenever I hear the song Taylor Swift, my idol, wrote called “Ronan.” You are a perfect mother and I hope Liam, Quinn, and Poppy think that too. Everything you have done has been amazing; we all appreciate it. You are also an amazing role model for other families who have lost their loved ones due to this horrible monster people call “cancer.” If my children were to die from cancer, I would be doing the same thing you are doing now.

    It seems to me you love Taylor Swift! I do, too. I’ve been to all 3 concerts. Anyways, she is SO sweet to write a song just for your little angel. He will be forever in our hearts.

    Good luck. 😉

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