A tutu, mustache wearing, dance party, hike with a little badass Bee

Ronan. I cooked the eggies this morning. And the sausage. And bacon. Fruit. I had croissants that Rita gave me last night, but I forgot to take them out of your daddy’s car. They were the kind that are frozen and you leave them out over night, to rise. Your daddy called me this afternoon. “Did Rita give you croissants or something last night?” “Yeah! I can’t find them!” I said. “They are in the back of my car. They are rising as we speak. I’ll run them home for you.”

I chuckled. Grief brain. What an asshole it is. I cooked them anyway for your brothers. They were an awesome afternoon snack for them. I felt like a good mom for not burning them. I played baseball with your brothers, too. I tried really hard to be a good mom today. I’m exhausted from it all. It was a long day of missing you.

I ran around and got some things done this morning. I met up with Mandy Bee. She has been gone a lot so I have not seen much of her. I miss her and the ability she has to make me forget about all this pain for a bit. Even if it’s only for a few hours. I told her I had to get my hike in for the day. She offered to come, even though she had already done some crazy work out early in the morning. I told her I would love for her to come with me. We both decided that we needed to hike in our tutu’s today. We ran to her house and got hers and then met back up at our house. We drove to the mountain and went on probably one of the best hikes I’ve had since you’ve been gone. We bolted up the mountain for 90 minutes of pure craziness. We went on a different trail with music from her iPhone blaring, and we full on had a dance party the whole way to the top. I laughed. I wore my mustache sunglasses. I didn’t cry hiking that mountain today with Mandy Bee. I got lost in the world that she creates for me which is either really, really sad when I need it to be. Or else it is really, really happy. In the craziest way possible. We looked like we were nuts today. It felt good to look nuts and not in the way that I normally look hiking that mountain with red eyes and black mascara running down my face. The break from that was much needed, especially after last nights heavy-hearted hike. I know I desperately need more days like today where I am able to laugh and let go. They don’t come very often but when they do…. watch out. They make me feel like I am on top of the world with you right by my side, holding my hand. My best days always remind me of you.

I did not decide on our trip today. I am procrastinating in a big way.  I deserved today. I just could not deal with the pressure of making any big decisions about fucking May. Maybe tomorrow.

Short post tonight, baby doll. The little sleep I had last night is hitting me. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite. Sweet dreams

xoxo

My very own baby unicorn!!! With a rainbow and everything!!! Fucktards beware!!!

 

Ronan. Remember how I said things were going to get worse, before they got better? As if I thought that things would go from bad, but eventually they would not be so bad. I think I was totally wrong. That is not how this grief thing works at all. It is not a roller coaster from down to up, up, up. It’s a roller coaster of all things crazy, inconsistent, and fucked up. There is no constant up. It is a roller coaster of up, down, up, steady, down, up, and a huge drop off the highest point possible all to come plummeting down, not knowing when you will stop falling. You live in terror that you will not stop falling and you wonder how much further down you will go before you just simply cannot take anymore.

I know what I am capable of. I know that when I’m on top of my game, that I can move mountains. I have no doubt in what I am here to do/will do for you. But I also know when I need a break from all of this fighting/busy work/kicking cancers ass 24/7, even in my sleep. I have not really had a break from this since we returned home from San Diego, last August. I know what is right around the corner. I know what Jo has tried to prepare me for. I have listened to everything she has said, but it’s just now that I am actually feeling her words, as they slowly sink in. They are sinking in, in the deepest way possible. They are sinking in with the reality that today, after deciding a few weeks ago, that I would not like to die… today I told myself I had changed my mind. I’m allowed to do that, right? Today, I decided that I would indeed once again, like to die because I’m just plain tired and everything hurts so badly again. I’ve been walking around in a fog that I cannot seem to lift. I have spent the entire week, trying to be mindful of the way I have been feeling and just letting myself feel it. I have not been overdoing anything, but even a trip to get a passport picture taken, feels like a walk to freaking China.

I have spent a lot of time alone. With the exception of being around your brothers/daddy which feels like a lot of work to me once again. I have hiked for hours upon hours during the day. I have refused to eat as my appetite is once again, gone. Insomnia is only relieved by stupid Ambien the past 3 nights. I’m trying not to give in, tonight. I’m listening to the sound of your sweet brothers, sleeping beside me.

I lost/had my iPhone stolen today. I don’t even care. I only care for the fact that I of course feel like it was my fault. In my fucked up head, normal people without dead kids, don’t get their cell phones stolen. In my fucked up head, this only happened to me because I have a dead kid and I cannot think straight. In my fucked up head, this would have never happened to me, if you were still alive. In my fucked up head, I think all these things, are true.

So, iPhone gone and what’s a girl to do? I don’t really know, but I feel like I will go back to hiding out. I feel like I cannot even muster up the energy to pick up the phone for a while. I’m sorry. I feel the need to up plug from everything as I am fizzling out. No Facebook. No writing. No technology. I don’t like feeling this way but I cannot ignore it. I feel really tired but sleep does not come. I’ve been begging for it all week. I feel like I cannot breathe again. I think I felt like this a few months after losing you. I think it got better for a while, but now it is back and it feels worse than I remember it. I think this is just how life will be from now on. 5 steps forward, 10 steps back. Fall down, get back up. You never stop falling down. You wonder how many times you will be able to pick yourself up. You question your strength, your determination, your worthiness. You question every single thing, about yourself. You spend a lot of the day, fighting with the voices in your head. You spend a lot of the day, crying over the mama word, you will never hear again except for on the video that you watch on your computer of you, over and over again.

Ronan. I think I started that a while ago. I’m not even sure when. I guess on Friday. It’s Monday now. I’m not sure what I’ve done. Just being I guess. Hanging out at home a lot. Not picking up the phone. A lot. Hiding from the world. I’ve been trying to pull my self out of this deep, deep place of grief that I can’t seem to shake. I feel sad all the time Ronan, but I can manage it. I can pull myself out of it, but this has been on going for about a week now. I spent some time with Dr. JoRo. It was good, as always, but I think she is even a bit worried. I had her spend some time with Quinn, to talk about you. We sat outside on the patio and she asked him some questions. He laid on my lap and tried to answer them the best he could. The whole thing lasted about 15 minutes before he got bored and ran inside the house. The diagnoses was: a very happy kid who sometimes gets sad over missing you but thinks he has a good life, mom, dad, and twin brother. And he knows he can talk to us anytime about anything. I just looked at Jo and said, “Look. I’m worried. I don’t want to not deal with this now, and for it to come up in 10 years from now and develop into serious issues.” She looked at me and said something like, “He’s happy, Maya. He’s a good kid. You guys are such great parents, just keep keeping the communication open. What you’re doing, is working.” That lessened my worry a bit. It is almost impossible to really worry about your brothers. That actually worries me a bit 😉 They are such good, kind, smart boys. No discipline problems, grades are awesome, they are so into their baseball and doing so well, they are so respectful and loving… I need you here to shake things up a bit, Ro! It’s all too calm, quiet, and sweet. Nobody is rebelling, nobody is being naughty, nobody is causing trouble. I guess I’m going to have to start stirring some things up, huh. I’ll just tell them Ronan told me to do it;) Nobody could argue with that!

I had a bad day on Friday. A really, really, awful, shitty, motherfucking, fucking bad day. Your daddy. The sweetest of all daddies, knew this. He knows better than to come home with flowers for me anymore. He came home with a small plastic baby unicorn instead. He told me I could carry it around with me to stab all the fucktards with in life. Even that, did not make me laugh…that’s how upset I was. I can laugh about it now, which tells me I’m not as sad as I have been. We had a date night on Saturday night too. I basically spent all Friday/Saturday in bed. By the time Saturday night came about, your daddy practically had to rip me out of our bed to go and eat some food with him. I don’t remember much of the car ride because I was being really quiet and I was crying. I remember telling him how I feared for my sanity. That my head was foggy and I was scared. He quietly told me that he did not fear for my sanity. He complimented me on getting all the laundry done/dishes cleaned up. This made me cry harder. Seriously! This is what you are proud of me for? Getting the laundry done/dishes cleaned up! This has got to be a joke! Those are things in my old life, I could do in my sleep. Now it is such a challenge that it is my big accomplishment of the day?! I would have lost it right then and there if he hadn’t brought up your brothers. About how amazing they are. How great their grades are, how great their sports are, how nice and respectful they are. How we couldn’t ask for better boys. I started to cry harder at this. This makes me so sad. They are the nicest boys, so why them? Why did they have to lose you? The 3 of you, together, was absolutely perfect. It was magical. It was our heaven. I get to dinner with your daddy, I sit across from him, and I pick at my food. I can’t eat. Tears are pouring down my cheeks and I feel like I cannot swallow. Your daddy just looks at me and tells me he’s sorry. What more can he say? Nothing. Sorry is the only thing that makes sense. We drive home and I pass out, without Ambien. I sleep for a solid 8 hours. Sunday rolls around and I tried to do productive things. I cleaned out my closet. I cried a little less but not much.

Monday is here now. Monday was o.k. I cried a lot today but my head felt a little less foggy. We took your brothers to go and watch a baseball game that was being played by a school friend of theirs, older twin brothers. It was nice to sit outside with them and their mom. It was nice to try to escape and unwind a bit. Your brothers had a nice time which I always enjoy, seeing. It makes me smile. Tomorrow, I will see Dr. JoRo before she leaves for about 2 weeks. Not freaking out about that at all (totally freaking out). Tomorrow, I plan on seeing Dr. Jo and then going on a very, very long hike. I’ve got to figure some things out and hiking is where I seem to do it best.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

I’m not dead. I may be dying. Or I may just be…

Ronan. The weekend is almost over. I spent it with Liam, Quinn, and your daddy. Not sure all of what we did. We stayed around the house a lot. We played in your room a lot. We made breakfast together and sat around at the table, without you. I am never going to stop being sad. None of us will. But slowly we seem to be coming back together; as a family. For so long, everything felt like it was so broken, that it was unrepairable. It’s not unrepairable. I can feel things being glued back into place. It’s because of the love from your daddy and your brothers, that we will be repaired. It just takes time. None of us are in a rush. You cannot rush something like this. Do you know what your daddy says to me, every night before we fall asleep? That he loves me. And that he is so sorry. We both will never stop being sorry. This is just one of the little reasons, that I know we are going to be o.k. Because we are both so sorry. But there is no blame, no resentment, no anger towards each other. We are both just really, really, sad.

It rained here today. It made me miss you so much. If you were here, we would have gone puddle jumping or played in our backyard, in the mud. Your brothers went to a birthday party. I hung out at home with your daddy, in our quiet house. Our now too quiet of a house that is so empty without you. Your daddy asked if I wanted to go to a movie. I told him no. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything. I watched the rain from our bedroom, instead. I’ve been tired lately. I’ve slept really well, which is weird to me.

So, this new friend of mine, Margarita, has been spreading around some rumors that I am not all that dangerous! Can you even believe that, Ro? She totally thinks she has me figured out. I knew I had to come up with a way, to prove to her, that I am in fact, really reckless and dangerous. It was about 6:15 tonight when I suddenly, felt the need to get some fresh air. I texted her and said, “I’m going hiking. Are you coming?” She told me no, she would not be coming, that it was too cold and wet outside and she hated the rain. And she might hate hiking, too. Yoga. She likes Yoga. I do not. Well, that’s not entirely true. I used to love Yoga. Until my life turned into total chaos. Now yoga make me angry. It’s too happy/peaceful/calm. All the things that I used to be, but am not anymore. Maybe someday I will go back to it. Dr. JoRo swears by it. I’m just not ready for it. I told Margarita fine, but I was going… and it was not all that wet outside. She tried to put up a fight, but once she knew I was serious, she decided to meet me. It was starting to get dark as we began our death hike. I don’t know why I decided to go hiking, so late tonight but you know how I am… once I get an idea into my head there is no stopping me. We hiked up, it got dark, we turned on the flashlight on my iPhone. Soon the wind started to howl, (as well as an owl) and down came the buckets of rain. “Ummm, don’t think we are making it to the top, we’d better turn around!” I yelled to Rita. We were about half way up. Crap. It was really raining/windy/dark/totally dangerous. Rita yelled to me, “Maya, you may call this dangerous… I just call it stupid.” I started cracking up. “You are so going to hate me, after this!” I said. We made it down the mountain, without breaking our necks or spraining our ankles. We both yelled out, “Fuck you cancer!!!!!!!!!!” at the top of our lungs. I told Rita I wouldn’t have been hiking on a pitch black, rainy, windy night if you were still here. She said she knew. She asked why she was hiking, with me. I said because you were not here. Same answer as mine. She agreed.

That was Sunday, Ro. It’s now, Wednesday. Hi. Hello. I have too much to say. I haven’t been writing, for a few reasons. The main one being, I just don’t know how to say this so I guess I’m just going to fucking say it. I’m either dying of some horrific disease (more than likely, cancer) or I am pregnant. Or I am having a false pregnancy in my head which could very well likely be a possibility too. The placebo effect is very real and a total possibility, but I don’t think it’s that. I think I am dying or pregnant. Or both. But maybe just pregnant. How in the world could this have happened, you might ask?? Well, let’s backtrack way far back, to right before you were diagnosed. I had that little IUD removed out of my body. I remember driving home from the OBGYN and having the conversation with your daddy which was, “I just had my IUD taken out….. so now what?” Your daddy asked if we were done having kids. I vaguely remember saying, ” I don’t think so… do you?” We didn’t decide on anything right then and there. We just left it as an open-ended conversation. And then, a few days later, we heard the words that a parent never wants to hear which was, “You child has stageIVfuckingbullshitwhatthefuckthiscannotberealcancer.” Our lives changed over night. The baby thing obviously went on the back burner. I stopped talking about it. Your daddy started to bring it up, right around Christmas time, when we went to NYC to have your base tumor removed from your abdomen. Your daddy would bring it up, and ask why I wouldn’t talk about it anymore. I mostly just ignored him and told him we could talk about it, once you got better. He pushed a little. I ignored him and he pretty much stopped bringing it up. I talked about it with you only. We talked about having another baby brother or sister. You wanted one so badly. We talked about names and if you wanted it to be a boy or a girl. You wanted a sister. We joked about having more twins. You liked the thought of that. You liked the idea of a little one or ones, to boss around. We talked about it a lot, the two of us. It was our little secret plan that when the time was right, and you were better…. another baby was in the cards. Before the blink of an eye, you my healthy boy who was kicking cancer’s arse…. was not anymore. I swear you were doing so well, and then *BAM!* within weeks you were dead. I still can’t wrap my head around how that happened…

So, Ro…. since you’ve been gone, the baby thing has come up again. Not many people have brought it up. Your daddy has hinted around here and there, and I pretty much refused to talk about it. I only really talk to Dr. JoRo about this baby thing. We’ve been sitting with it, for a while. I divulged my deepest fears, lots of tears, guilt, I’m betraying Ronan, what if this baby dies, or gets cancer, or I don’t love it as much, I’m not worthy of having another baby since Ronan died…. I should not be allowed to feel any happiness or love that a baby could bring into this world, and how will I know, when the time is right??? She told me there would never be a right time. She didn’t argue with any of my worries/feelings/fears. We talked about them instead. We’ve talked about all these things for a good 4 months now, in-depth. She had her baby boy, Josh, after Chey died. She gets it. Sometimes I feel as our lives or so parallel, that it was fate that we met the way we did. Your fate. I believe you were the one behind me finding her. I am so thankful to you for that. We have too much in common for it not to be something more then just a coincidence.

It’s just been recently that I don’t cringe every time somebody touches me or gives me love and affection in a physical way. I’ve been so detached from everything and everyone. Your daddy and brothers included. I’ve told Dr. Jo that I think a baby is going to be the only way our family can learn to be a little happy again. It’s been in the back of my mind, for a long time now, but it’s only recently that I’ve started to come around a bit to start thinking about it more. Your Sparkly has been buzzing in my ear about it for a while now. Sometimes I’ll talk to him in-depth about it or sometimes it hurts so badly that I’ll say something snarky like, “Not having this conversation with you, today. I don’t want to go there now.” I always see the sad look in his eyes, when I refuse to have the baby talk with him. He always gives me the look and the, “Please think about it. You are the best mother. Please do it, before I get too old. It would be so good for you, Woody, and the boys.” I usually just look at the ground and try not to cry. And then he asks my to smile for him and I am too upset so I’ll just tell him, “No. No smiles today. And what are you talking about? You are not old at all. You are so young…” There are a lot of days when I won’t smile when he asks. I hate those days the most.

So, it was last Monday that it kind of clicked for me that, “Ok… maybe it would be o.k. to start trying to have this baby. Trying being the operative word here. Just once. Not that it would actually happen, but more like, let’s get used to this idea that we are not going to not try to not have a baby. I woke up Friday morning with a very familiar feeling. The same one that I had with you. Mother fucker! I thought to myself. I’m fucking pregnant! I’m not making those words up. That’s what I thought in my head. There were no tears of joy. No jumping up and down. It was complete and total shock, along with a lot of cuss words that followed. Wait a minute. I did not mean I wanted to actually get pregnant right this second. I don’t keep track when I ovulate or anything. I was just getting warmed up to this new idea. And HOLY SHIT. OH MY GOD. My boobs. They felt like they were on fire. That’s how I knew within in a week of conceiving you, that I was pregnant. I remember I went to meet Tricia for a run. I looked at her and said, “My boobs really hurt. I think I’m pregnant.” I was. That’s always been my first and biggest indication. It’s too early for a pregnancy test and I may full on be making this up. My body is so out of whack these days, I never know what is going on. But I’m exhausted. Sleeping like a baby. My boobs are still on fire. I have an appetite and I am eating weird shit like this seaweed crap from Trader Joe’s that no less than 2 weeks ago, I was making fun for Dr. JoRo for eating. Guess where I found myself, yesterday?? At Trader Joe’s, scouring the aisles for seaweed. Who am I?? What is going on?? I think I have a pretty good idea.

I’m mildly freaking out. But I cannot fully freak out until I know for sure. I can of course say, I was not ready for this. If I am indeed pregnant, I’ll have 8 and a half months to get used to this idea. If I am not, I will be totally o.k. with that as well. But I may be slightly worried about the power of my mind and it’s ability to trick my entire body into thinking that a baby is on it’s way. That will really freak me out and I may consider going on a long vacation to the middle of nowhere to try to prevent this nervous breakdown that is clearly happening due to your deathday/birthday/fuckingmother’sday that is coming up. That is a whole other post that I just don’t have the energy to write about tonight.

I sat in Dr. JoRo’s office for a couple of hours today. We talked a lot about you and the possibility of another baby. We talked about how a baby will NEVER take away this pain/sadness/grief I feel for you. How this baby, will never lessen this pain. How this baby will never replace you. How I need to prepare myself for the stupid shit that people are going to say like, “OH!!! A new baby! I’m so glad to see you are over the death of your son! I am so glad to see that you are moving on! This is a sign, from God! This is what was meant to happen! God DID have a plan, it included your child dying, so this child could be born! You are all better, etc….etc….etc….”

I get that people mean well, but I would really like to hear none of those things. I will never be over the death of you, Ronan. Never. I will never move on. I will never be better. I am just learning how to live a whole new life and this whole new life will always include the pain of not having you. I am learning how to manage these feelings that I now have. This life is wrong without you. This life is broken. This life will never be the same. But I am learning to manage all of this. Manage is the new key to this life now. I can’t change the pain, but I can make it manageable so it doesn’t destroy me. I won’t let it.

That was today. I’ve been writing and not posting. I needed some time to digest the maybe baby thing. Your daddy asked me what I thought you would say about all of this. I told him I thought you would be happy, but sad that you are not here, to be the big brother that you should have been. You would have been the best big brother ever. I’m sad for that too. I’m sad for another reason that has had me hysterical the past couple of days too. Today, is Sparkly’s birthday. I’m sad you are not here, to sing to him. I remember exactly where we were, last year, due to it being his birthday. We were in NYC. You were getting better, or so we thought. You were upset that we could not see your Sparkly. We took a picture of you with your big, gorgeous smile and bald little head to send to him. We sent him a text with your picture and said, “Happy Birthday, Sparkly! We love and miss you!” You were so excited to send him that beautiful picture of yourself. I wished him the best Happy Birthday I could muster up, without having you here to do it with me. I made sure my voice did not quiver while I was telling him to have a great day. I got a, “Thank you, sweetheart,” in return. I could hear the sadness in his voice though. I hung up the phone and buried myself in the pillows of our bed, and drenched them with my tears. I HATE THIS SO MUCH. You should be here, singing in the phone. I should not be on the phone, using my strongest/bravest/I am o.k. but really I am not/but have the happiest birthday ever voice. Please come back. I hate doing all of these things, without you.

Little man. I have to end this now. It’s a long, long, post. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.

xoxo

Here’s what I know about life. Nothing.

Ronan. You know what I know about life? Nothing. Except for almost 4 years, I took care of you almost every single day. And then from the time you were diagnosed from the time you passed away, I was so emerged in the fighting for your life world and all of a sudden it’s just gone. Just like that. And now I am expected to go back to “life.” How wrong is that? How does one do that? I don’t know. You know what I feel like? This came to me last night as I was waiting for the devil Ambien to kick in, because yes, I’m back to that for the moment. I feel like somebody has taken my body out to the Arctic Sea. I feel like I am constantly being dipped in and out of that freezing ocean. And just as soon as I am starting to defrost, I am dipped back in where my entire body is shocked to the core. In and out in and out. It’s a never-ending feeling of numbness and pain in which I have no control over. That’s the best way I can describe it tonight, anyway. Then I was thinking about the outside, non bereaved world. I’ll bet they think the pain of this is something like putting a your most favorite dog to sleep. Not because they love their kids any less, but because I think unless you are in this situation, although you may try to understand you cannot possibly have any idea of how much this truly hurts. Does that sound cold, insensitive, and harsh? I don’t mean to. I’m only trying my best to explain how deep this pain is, to the outside world. Of how I know how much they think they can understand this, but they cannot. And for that, I am glad. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I would never want somebody who has not gone though something like this, to truly be able to understand the pain that comes along with it. Not fully anyway. It is just too much.

This past week has been much harder than I had expected. I get that the holidays are around the corner and I keep hearing everyone talk about how hard they are going to be for us, but I’ve been doing my best just to get by. It’s only been these past few days that I have realized that I have no control over anything, no matter how strong I am trying to be. I’ve been crying non-stop. I am trying so hard to give Liam and Quinn a somewhat normal Christmas. I took them to Target and told them to pick out some things. I tried my best to put on my pretend mommy boots because they deserve to have a nice Christmas, whatever that means. But this year, when they were picking out a few things, I made them pick out some things for your friend here, Super Nate who is battling Neuroblastoma as well. They picked out a blue light saber that really lights up, a clone trooper bobble head, and your favorite, “guys helmet,” Captain Rex. I am trying my best to make sure they still get to be 8 years olds, having an 8-year-old Christmas, when all I want to do is strangle Santa and shoot the fucking elf on the shelfs head off with a machine gun.  I’ve had a talk with them about how hard this Christmas is going to be on all of us. I don’t know if what I am doing is right but all I know is I’m not going to hide the fact that this is our first Christmas without you and it fucking blows. I’ve told them this in a much nicer PG rating way though…… although I didn’t want to. I wanted to scream, kick, cuss and cry in front of them, but I didn’t. Somethings have to be done a little more gently with a little mama love thrown in. I’m running on empty but I gave it all I had. I hope it was enough.

I went to PCH I think on Wednesday or Thursday night. I can’t remember now. I went to see Nate and to give him his toys. I stayed a lot longer than I expected. He was so excited about the real light saber. I felt so blessed to be able to give it to him, from you. He let me play with him in his bed and he even let his mama slip out to take some things to her car and grab some food. I got to stay with him, alone. What a little doll. We played the funny monkey game on my iPhone but my favorite part was when I had him giggling up a storm by making his Storm Trooper bobble head eat some cheerios. His little laugh was priceless. He even let me kiss his bald head and said I could come back sometime to play. Just as I was walking out, I saw one of your favorites, playroom Kathy. She kidnapped me and I ended up staying another hour, just catching up with her. I saw some of your other favorite nurses, Kathy and Katie O. I cried when I saw them as I haven’t seen the two of them, since we were there getting your last round of chemo. I asked if you very favorite nurse, Arica was there but she was not. I told them to give her a hug for us anyway. It was nice to see them all but it made me super sad that you were not there with me. It turned into a full on party because Miss Elizabeth Blair ended up being on the floor as well, getting treatment. I got to give her a hug as well as her mommy and daddy. I left PCH feeling drained, but in a good way, I guess. I told your Mr. Sparkly Eyes that now going to a hospital to make a little boy smile feels so much better to me than sitting in a fancy restaurant, trying to enjoy something normal. Normal does not feel good. Normal does not exist. I would rather be off, doing something for someone else, than trying to pretend to live in a normal world where pretend normal dinners will never be the same. So, when I get a night out….. I would rather sit in a hospital with a bald-headed little boy than in a restaurant full of friendly faces. This is just the way it is now.

Being in our house has been really hard for me all week. Everything is making my skin crawl. Dr. Jo has been gone which I’m sure is part of the reason, I feel like I’m going to flip out. She has become my lifeline and the fact that I have not been able to see or talk to her, has been really difficult on me. Much harder on me than I thought it was going to be. I’ve been so tired from not sleeping well. I came home on Thursday and passed out for a little bit. Naps used to come so easily to me. To us. I fell asleep for about 15 minutes. It was restless and I dreamed of you, but in the worst way possible. I dreamed that I was watching you from your radiation table. You were looking at me in the eyes with such a look of trust because you knew that I was going to save you, because that is what I had promised. But than you died. I woke up to this nightmare only to find that it was indeed, my reality. It wasn’t a nightmare at all. I had dreamed the truth. So now for the past week sleep has become so painful and the days are too much to handle so I crawl into bed, begging to black out. This is where my frenemy, Ambien, has come back into play. I’m not happy about this at all. But sometimes, I need a break from everything. Including life.

I’ve been hiking and being active to try to calm down the never-ending screaming in my head. It’s not helping. I went up Camelback, late tonight, just like I’d said I’d never do again. I did. But this time, I was able to use my handy little flashlight app on my iPhone so I could see better. Thanks friends.

Ro baby. This is all for tonight. My brain is mush, my eyes are tired, and my heart is not fucking healing. I just want you back. Or I just want to be with you. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

A Barefoot Hike and Little Socks

Ro baby. Everyone is asleep. It is late. We had a late night out tonight. We went over to The Willets’ house, for dinner and to catch up and let the boys play. I so missed you tonight. I was so sad you were not with us. You loved those boys so much and used to always keep up with them, despite your younger age. I sat back and watched as L and Q, ran around with Gay’s three boys all night long. I used to have 3 too. Where are you? It feels so wrong to be the mom of only two boys now. I almost can’t take it. But it was nice to be with all of them tonight. I will say this for the rest of my life….. but we truly do have the best friends. Some are friends we have had for a long time…. like the Willets. Others are new and who came into our lives at the beginning of all of this, like Melissa and her family whom we had over last night. All are beautiful. After Melissa, David and their kids left last night, your Daddy goes, “You have made some really amazing friends through all of this.” I just smiled and told him I knew. I do know. I think about it all the time. It is another one of those gifts you have left behind. Our lovelies are everywhere. We had a nice time tonight as being with the Willets is calming to my soul. We love them so much. I love how laid back they are, funny, kind, and crazy. I love being surrounded by their boys and your brothers. I remember how much you loved being with them. I hope you were with us tonight. I think that you were. I was showing Gay how to put Pandora on her iPhone as she is new at all of that iPhone stuff and I’m an old pro. As I was playing with her phone, mine which was sitting on my lap, started playing music. Katy Perry’s, “Firework,” just started to play. I thought of you. I hope it was you. I think that it was. This life is so strange now. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know how it ever will again.

So, this WordPress Blog is so detailed. I have a whole stat tracker which gives me very specific details on how all of you lovelies are reading this blog. For example, on May 10…. a day after you passed away, Ro… I had 55,923 hits on this blog. On that one day alone. I check it out every few days, just out of curiosity. It tells me what search engine term people are using to find out about you. I get a lot of weird things, such as today… somebody searched this… “me and you baby dolls can drink.” Um o.k. Random and weird, but I guess I tagged Baby Doll before since that is what I used to call you and your website came up. These are the most popular search engine terms used from today.

rockstar ronan 1,438
rockstarronan 352
rock star ronan 93
ronan rockstar 54
ronan thompson 45
rockstarronan.com 43
rockstar ronan blog 43
www.rockstarronan.com 42
maya thompson blog 22
the ronan thompson foundation 21
rockstar ronan dies 16
maya thompson 15
rockstar ronan com 14
ronan thompson foundation

I get some funny things, some disturbing things, but most of all the two things that are searched the most are “Rockstar Ronan,” and “Rockstar Ronan dies.” The last one rips me to pieces every time. I often catch myself thinking, “Wait. What? Ronan died? How can that be true?!” It’s as if I am the blog reader, not the writer. Oh, how I wish that were true. My body than returns to itself, because reading those words truly does feel like an out of body experience. I have to remind myself that you, my beautiful son, did die of Cancer. I sometimes cannot even take reading this, so don’t ask me how I am able to sit here and write this. I still have no clue. One day, I will sit back and read all of this, but not today. I don’t know what I am waiting for, but as of now… it’s the writing that I need to do. The reading, can wait. I know there is no way I am ready to read what I have written in the past. It is going to be so painful and everything is still too fresh and raw.

Ro baby. I started that last night but had to stop due to the Melatonin kicking in. I had dreams about you. They weren’t happy, but they weren’t sad either. I don’t remember what you looked like, but I remember asking you questions. I asked you if you were scared. You told me, No. I’m glad for that. I hope you’re not scared as that is one of the things I worry about most. I still feel like I have just forgotten you somewhere, and that you are all alone in this big, big world. I miss you so much. I am glad I got to dream about you last night. It does not happen often.

I woke up this morning, knowing that I had to have a productive day, regardless of the day off that your brothers had from school and your Daddy has off from work. I got up and showered. I messaged back and forth a bit with a girl named, Katie, whom I have never met, but I have wanted to meet for some time now. She is just a friend on FB and owns an adorable kids clothing store. She is always reposting this blog on her business FB page and I’ve wanted to stop in for a while to tell her thank you. She told me she wanted to run some ideas past me so I said I would stop by this afternoon. I took Quinn with me. I walked into her store, Garage, and instantly fell in love. It is filled with all the things, your stylish self, would have gone crazy over. You loved to dress so sharp and stylish. I met Katie and felt like I had known her for years. We sat and got to know each other, while Quinn played and explored in her store. We went over an idea she has, which I’ll be talking about a little more once the details are finalized. I left her with a bunch of your bracelets, the Naughty and Nice version. I have to be careful about the people I partner up with, who want to help with your Foundation…. but everything with Katie felt right. And just as I was getting ready to leave, “Landslide,” by Stevie Nicks came on. If that wasn’t a sign right there, I don’t know what is. I started to tear up, and Katie told me I could sit and listen to it if I wanted. I told her that I had to go, because I knew if I did stay and sit, that I would be a uncontrollable mess. I left there with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. Thanks for being there with me today, Ro.

I ran a few more errands with Quinn. Talked to NY Miss Macy. She has been with Tricia all weekend long as Trish flew to San Francisco for this long weekend to spend some time with her. I love that. I so wanted to go, but it is not the right time for me to be away from your brothers. It made me happy though, to know my beautiful besties, were spending some quality time together. I sometimes cannot believe that had it not been for you, that Macy would have never been introduced into our lives. She is a gift that I will treasure forever. For as big as the hole in my heart is now, I know you are trying to fill it up as much as you can with people like Macy. I know that you are still working away, trying to find ways to make me grateful and happy again. Your gifts come in so many different forms now. For that, I am grateful.

After finishing up my errands with Quinn, we returned home and the rest of the afternoon was spent doing things around the house. Checking things off my shit list, left and right. I picked up my friend, Julie, who lives right down the street and I took her Inferno Hiking with me. She loved it and almost threw up, but did not. She is a trooper:) I am also glad to know that I am not the only one who sometimes throws up after a hard workout. We got to the top and she was saying that it was kind of like Hot Yoga. I told her exactly, except it was much better:) I can’t wrap my head around being peaceful enough within myself to go back to Hot Yoga. I told her how Inferno Hiking to me, is very intense, yet peaceful. She completely agreed. As we were heading down, Mountain Mike, was on his way up. So funny that we always seem to be there at the exact same time, even though the time that I hike, is never consistent. We said our hellos and I introduced him to Julie. He continued up as the two of us then started on our run down the mountain. It was the perfect ending to this day as you know how hard weekends are for me.

Tonight was spent quietly around the house. Your daddy went to the office and Liam and Quinn are snuggled up together on the top bunk of their bed. I have been busy putting all of the laundry away. It’s taken me forever. I have been washing the same pair of your socks for months now. I refuse to put them away. I just wash them over and over. I carry them around with me. I can’t believe I don’t have your little feet here to put them into. I can’t believe how I wander around the house, doing busy things and often just walk into your room, expecting to see you playing. Your room is still the way it always has been. I don’t want to change a thing. Liam often plays in there. I like to write in there and sometimes sit and quietly think. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are not here to play and sleep in your room. This all still seems like a bad dream, except I cannot seem to wake up.

Where are you baby? Are you playing with Esther. Please tell me yes. Tomorrow, it will have been 4 months since that sweet baby girl passed away. Your 4 months will be here soon as well. Please watch over Esther’s mama tomorrow. Well, everyday, really… but tomorrow extra close. I am worried about her. I feel such a need to go and see her. I promise I will get back East to do this soon.

I think this may be all for tonight, Ro. I have some homework to do before I see Dr. Joanne tomorrow. She took you with her when she went barefoot hiking this morning. I’ll send you the pic she sent me. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my love.

Dear lovely readers…….. Many of you have been asking about Ronan’s bracelets and where you can get them. I am almost completely out, but if you live in AZ…. there are some places that you can get them. Here are the locations::::

The Water Connection:::::::Nice Bracelets only::::: 3929 E Camelback Rd. Phoenix, AZ 85018

Green Cleaners::::Halle has Naughty only::::: 3912 East Camelback Road, Phoenix, AZ 85018

Garage::::Katie has both Naughty and Nice:::: 7144 E. Stetson Drive, Scottsdale, AZ

For my out of town peeps. I PROMISE, I’ll let you know when more are available. Should be later this week. Thanks for the LOVE and SUPPORT.

xoxo

A little seal and a hummingbird

Ronan. It’s only been a week since you left. How can that possibly be? It feels like you left such a long time ago. I think about you all the time. You are never not in my thoughts. I got through another day without you. I don’t know how; but I did. I took Liam and Quinn back to school today. We went in late and I was nervous for them to go back. As we walked in, I explained how some of the kids might ask about you, and I tried to prep them on what to say. I wanted to prepare them as much as possible. They both seemed o.k. I could tell Quinn was more nervous than Liam. Once we got to the classroom, they both seemed fine and their friends were happy to have them back. I left them there feeling like it was their first day of school; my heart was sad but I know normalcy is important for them now. We have such little of that in our life with you being gone. I have to slowly start picking up the pieces and I feel like getting them back to school for the time that they have left will be a good thing. They are such strong little boys. I know you are so proud of them.

After I dropped off Liam and Quinn, I ran some errands with your Nana. It felt weird to be out but I constantly feel the need to be busy. At one point we were at the cash register somewhere and I said out loud,  “I can’t believe he is gone.” I talk to myself all the time now. My hands shake all of the time. I talk to you out loud a lot too. We all tell you goodnight every night. I still feel like you can hear us. I took your Nana to get her tattoo today. She got 3 stars on her foot for you, Liam, and Quinn. It turned out so beautiful. Afterwords, we went to lunch. We were supposed to meet Tricia and Marisa at Wildflower, but I ended up going to the wrong location. My head is still not on straight. Fernanda called while we were sitting in a booth together. I stepped outside to talk to her for a few minutes. I ended up bawling my head off and I kept saying to her that I didn’t understand how your little heart could have just stopped, just like that. I mean it makes no sense at all; but I don’t even understand medically how it happens. How is it possible that you and your little life just stopped? You were so full of life and I will never understand how it was taken away so quickly. Just like that, in a blink of an eye. I’ll never forget when you were first diagnosed and your Daddy and I sat in a little room together and how scared he was. I remember grabbing him and saying, “Woody. If anyone can beat this, it’s him.” I had no doubt in my mind that you would grow up to be a healthy boy. I never in my wildest dreams thought this would have been the outcome. I don’t think anybody really did.

Once I returned home, I kept myself busy with stupid chores. I am putting together a hard core plan about how I am going to clean our already spotless house. How maybe if I scrub hard enough, it will pass the time more quickly. I’ve decided I will tackle the closet tomorrow. I know what this process is all about. I have already decided I am going clean every inch of this house until the only thing left to do is your room. The room that I walk past as little as possible during the days but I let me eyes drift over to your toys as I am expecting to see you in there playing. I am so scared of your room. But I know I have to go in there eventually. I will, after everything else is perfectly in place. Until then, I just simply cannot. My stomach instantly gets sick just thinking about it. I just need more time.

After Liam and Quinn came home from school, we had Luke and Lily over. We walked down to Uncle Jays and went swimming. Wesley and Laely came too. It was good for me to be around them today. I thought it was going to be hard, but there sweet souls soothed me. Well, maybe not soothed me as I don’t think there is anything that can do that right now. But it didn’t feel awful for me to be around them. Baby steps, baby. Baby steps.

Everyone around me is stumbling. I wish I could be blind to it but I’m not. Watching Liam, Quinn, and your Daddy is the hardest for me to see. Last night, after your service we were all walking out of The Desert Botanical Gardens together. There was a wishing fountain right before the parking lot. We all stopped and Liam threw in a coin. He said he wished for you to come back. I honestly thought I was going to crumble on the spot but Quinn distracted me by trying to steal the money out of the fountain. I gave him a quick talking to about how he couldn’t take the money out of the fountain because it was other people’s wishes. He then made some snarky comment about how wishes don’t come true. Fuck. I dug deep down and told him, that they indeed do come true, but I didn’t have the energy to finish the bullshit pep talk. How do you try to convince a 7-year-old who just sat though his baby brothers memorial service that by throwing a fucking penny in a fountain that what they wish for will come true. The truth is, you don’t. And if you do, you’re a better person than me. Or maybe just a better bullshitter:)

Your daddy asked me tonight when I was going to break. Or if I was just going to hold this all in until I finally explode. We are not in sync with our grieving process at all. I wonder, if this is normal? Am I holding it all together so he can grieve and I can be strong for him? Then when it is my turn, he will be able to be strong for me? Part of me thinks so. If we were both dealing with this, the same way, at the same time….. I don’t know how we would go on for Liam and Quinn. Don’t get me wrong. I have my moments when I sob like a baby. But I try my hardest to do this when I’m not around anyone else. I save it for the moments that I know you are closest to me and when I look to you for comfort. You are so good at comforting me, Ro. You still give me so much strength.

I have two pictures I am posting tonight. One, was taken by the insanely talented Emily Carroll. She came to capture some images from Ronan’s service last night. This hummingbird kept appearing in her camera. Do you know what they say about hummingbirds? I do. My dad taught me about he importance of Hummingbirds. They are special and the fact that this little guy was fluttering about during Ronan’s service.. well that speaks volumes in itself. Thanks for letting me know you were there, Ronan. And that you are o.k. Thank you for capturing this moment, Emily.

It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol – further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity.

By observing the Hummingbird, we see they are seemingly tireless. Always actively seeking the sweetest nectar, they remind us to forever seek out the good in life and the beauty in each day.

Amazing migrators, some Hummingbirds are known to wing their way as far as 2000 miles to reach their destination. This quality reminds us to be persistent in the persuit of our dreams, and adopt the tenacity of the Hummingbird in our lives.

The Hummingbird animal totem is a messenger of hope and jubilation.

Hummingbird Animal Totems offer attributes like:

  • energy
  • vitality
  • joy
  • renewal
  • sincerity
  • healing
  • persistence
  • peace
  • infinity
  • agility
  • playfulness
  • loyalty
  • affection
 Need I say more? I don’t think so. The little signs are everywhere.
The last picture I am going to leave you with is one I took on my iPhone today while my mom was getting her tattoo done. I’m not crazy…. well at least not yet. Take a look at the white image where my mom is getting her ink done. I swear to god it looks like a little seal. The nose pointed to one of her stars, the flippers closer to her toes. Does anybody else see that??!!
I seriously think it was little Ronan’s spirit sitting with us today. After seeing this tonight on my camera, I am sure of it. I talked to him the entire day in my head. He never leaves my side. Thank you Ronan, for guiding me today. I know you know I am struggling with some things and how I am trying to figure out the path I am meant to take. You gave me a lot of answers today. I am going to follow your lead and listen to my heart and you. We are going to change the world baby. We are going to save others lives by finding a cure for this. I know it is our destiny. It was what we were meant to do in life. To help others, inspire others, teach others about what is REALLY important in life. Just to be better people in general. Let’s make this world a better place…. let’s find a cure for this Neuroblastoma bullshit by educating people and getting funding in place. I’m so going to be all over Yoplait soon. I am thinking they are my first target. If they can do pink ribbons for all of October on the top on their lids, the why the fuck can’t they do yellow for all of September. Mama’s mad. Mama’s on a mission. Somebody emailed me today and said they were ready to stand behind, “Maya’s Mafia.” That made me laugh out loud. I love it. I hope you are all game for this. If you stick behind my son and what we are about to do…. be ready for the most fulfilling journey of your life. Ronan had it all figured out by the almost the age of 4. I took very careful notes so I know all of his secrets, all of his tricks, and I now know what he was meant to do in this world. Just because he was so sickly robbed of his little life does not mean he cannot fulfill his dreams. I being his mama, his biggest fan, will get these things done for him. I’ll get by with a little help from my friends and all of his Rockstar Fans. I promise you. Amazing things are to come. Ronan was my gift that I am sharing with all of you and I am so thankful to do so. I know how much you all believe in him and know that he was meant to change the world. Start by helping me out anyway you can. Just getting his story out is the first step. This is going to take some time, but I want everyone to know about the most beautiful, bravest little boy, who could melt you with just one of his famous winks. FUCK YOU CANCER. You fucked up big time and you owe it to me that something good come out of this. We will start by raising awareness for your stupid ass disease that I had never in my life had heard of because I was uneducated and cocky. I’m sorry that ONLY 800 kids a year are diagnosed with this. 800 kids a year is more than plenty to fight for. So fuck you Neuroblastoma and your lack of education. I am about to blow your shit out of the water. You took my baby; so I’m not going to stop until somebody finally takes you, mother fucker.
Sooooooooo…… I think I got a little off track. Um yeah. It’s been way too long since I’ve said Fuck on my blog so I had to get a few of those out. And Ronan, you’re such a little badass now that you don’t even need earmuffs anymore buddy! I think you’ve earned your right to hear those words. I love you Ronan. We all love you so much. I told Quinn to dream about you tonight. I hope you visit him and you two play your little hearts out. Sweet dreams Ro baby. Sweet dreams my lovely friends. Hope your day tomorrow is full of all the little things my Ronan has left behind.
xoxo

One foot in front of the other

Another day done. Ronan slept in for NYC time… 10:00 a.m. which was nice as we were all tired. He woke up a little grumpy, still complaining of pain. I tried my best to entertain him while Woody got some work done around here and he soon left to go back to RMH to get some quiet work done. For being stuck in a hospital, the days sure do fly by and I can’t even keep track of what we have done. We don’t really watch movies or T.V…..so I’m not sure where the time goes. We listen to music a lot and do a lot of playing. I do my best to make sure Ronan is as happy as can be; even though he asks for Liam and Quinn a dozen times a day. We did Ronan’s 4th day of chemo, and 5th day of radiation. So far, he’s done really well with the chemo. No more vomiting. We went down to RT (Radiation) tonight around our usual time, 5:00. I had Ronan waiting in his little wheelchair when one of the RT guys walked by and did a double take of Ronan. He came over and went on and on about how he is the most beautiful boy he has ever seen, how he has movie star looks and the most unbelievable eyes. I just nodded my head and told him I knew. He asked what Ronan’s name was and introduced himself as Kerry. He was really sweet and wouldn’t stop talking about Ronan’s piercing “Husky dog eyes”. It was very cute… you don’t usually hear a twenty something guy go on and on about how beautiful a boy is. Ronan can melt anyone’s heart and it was blatantly obvious from today.

Ronan knows the drill now. He knows he is to be perfectly still as he down still as gets his radiation. Our friends down in radiation had “The Killers,” playing on the stereo system for Ronan as they know he loves that band. I covered him up with GiGi,(his blanket) and he clutched his pistol gun in the other hand and I left the room. It only took a few minutes again and I watched my brave boy from the screen and talked to him over the speaker system. We were soon done and Ronan was very tired. He sat in my lap and our escort wheeled us back up to our room. I somehow talked him into a sponge bath, but only if I would put his Star Wars guys in the water too. He stood up and I got a tub, filled it with warm water and bathed him and brushed his teeth. I also scrubbed his Star Wars guys for him to make him happy. He is sleeping now and I am waiting for Woody to return so I can go on my run. It’s going to be a dark one tonight…. sorry Little M. I’ve got to go run tonight… my mind needs it.

Woody returned to Sloan around 8:00 NYC time. Ronan was asleep so I quickly snuck out. I went to the RMH, changed my clothes, and headed out. I was on the phone with my sweet Niki right before I was getting ready for my run. I got the usual, ” You be careful… I won’t even run in Central Park at night.” I gave her my nobody is going to mess with me answer and she laughed and said she it would probably actually be really good for me to fight off someone, so I could blow off some steam. I told her would just pretend like my slayers (as Marisa likes to call them) were cancer, and kick their asses. We had a good laugh about that one together. My new loop from the RMH and back ended up begin almost 9 miles. Perfection. The perfect run, perfect mileage, perfect night with no Slayers in sight, Marisa. It was refreshing, grueling, and just what I needed. I love running in this city and I love that I now have a set path and I know the distance. Gotta love GPS on the iPhone. I ran a fast 8 and a half-minute mile…. got back to the RMH, showered, packed a bag and grabbed some soup at Delizia’s, my one meal of the day. I have decided that I can seriously live off of my coconut water, coffee, Delizia’s minestrone soup, coke and chocolate. So ridiculous but whatever….. it works for me and I can actually keep that down without throwing up…. knock on wood.

I almost made it through the day without crying. Almost. I was sitting on the ground, rubbing Ronan who is now complaining of his legs hurting…. so I sit and massage him most of the day. Our senior in high school roommate started vomiting and we could of course hear her; which is awful. That threw me over the edge and I started bawling. Ronan watched me and asked why I was sad. I told him because the girl next door was sick to her stomach and it makes me sad. I quickly pulled it together and helped get new linens for her. Stupid cancer.

O.k. my dears… it is 12:30 at night here. My body is aching and my mind is officially done for the day. Sweetest dreams to you all.

I’m just a girl in the world

Favorite conversation of the night:

Me: “Ronan, you’re so nice.”

Ronan: “Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

Ronan: “Mom, you’re so cute.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Ronan: “Your so welcome.”

I love his little voice so much. And that smile could melt your heart. I love that every night, he curls up beside me and holds my hand as he falls asleep. I love waking up to him each morning and his bright blue eyes, and how excited he is to wake up his brothers and start the day. Being with Ronan is like a piece of heaven. He is my little pea, and I am so lucky to be his pod.

Sarah came over early so I could go to my therapist appointment. It was a good one, as always. I always leave there more vunerable and with a flood of emotions running through me. I feel like it’s a cleansing of my soul that I really need though. After that, I ran some errands and came home to a happy Ronan who told me he missed me so much. He was all snuggled up in my bed with Sarah. As Sarah was leaving she told Ro she loved him and he told her he loved her too. So sweet.

Ronan is not feeling well today. He was really clingy most of the day. My dear friend, Gay, came over to help me pack. Thank GOD for her! She just comes in here and snaps her fingers, and bam!, it’s done. She is so much fun to be with, even when we are doing things like packing up bags. We got Liam and Quinn’s bag packed and Ronan’s. One more check mark off my list! Pam also stopped by and cracked Gay and I up the entire time with her funny stories about being at Sloan with her daughter and how important her flat iron for her hair and lip gloss were to her. It was her coping mechanism and I love it. Her daughter was having a major surgery done and Pam sat and applied lip gloss over and over again. I totally get it. I know I am going to be the same way. Anything to make the situation seem a little more normal. I was so happy and thankful for those two today. They made me laugh a lot which is something I needed today since I spent the majority of the morning crying over anything and everything. The anticipation of leaving her is enough to send me over the edge.

I also got to see Niki and Fernanda for a bit. They both buzzed by quickly. Again, so lucky for the friends I have. They keep me going because I can see how much what we are going through has changed them. Their lives will never be the same just because of the kind of people they are. That shows me what amazing hearts they have. All of my friends are this way; they are the one’s I keep closest to my heart. I will keep them there for the rest of my life.

Woody and I had a good little pow wow tonight. He is always so interested in my therapy sessions and sometimes I don’t really feel like telling him about them. We got into it a little bit, in a healthy way. I told him what was going on and how I need to deal with a lot of this, on my own, in my own way. He gets it and is giving me my space. He also told me he knows exactly what I am thinking…. how my deepest fears are he is going to walk out on me like my dad did. He told me he will never give up on me and never let me down… like me father has. I know this about Woody; it is one of the main reasons I married him. No matter how much I push him away, because I am hurting, he won’t let me get too far. He has been really great about giving me my space, but also reminding me that we need each other. Before I met Woody, I was used to dealing with things in my life on my own by myself. When you are in the middle of a crisis, it is easy to revert back to that. I am trying not to; but I am very independent and stubborn and my mind tricks me into thinking I can do everything on my own. I am working on these things… I don’t want to go though this alone, but I also want my space. I am hoping to find a happy medium, if that is possible.

Woody and I always joke the Gwen Stefani‘s “I’m just a girl in the world,” is my theme song. So tonight’s song is dedicated to the Wooddawg. And the other love of my life, Gwen Stefani.

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I’m exposed
And it’s no big surprise
Don’t you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
‘Cause I’m just a girl, little ‘ol me
Don’t let me out of your sight
I’m just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don’t let me have any rights

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can’t do the little things I hold so dear
‘Cause it’s all those little things
That I fear

‘Cause I’m just a girl I’d rather not be
‘Cause they won’t let me drive
Late at night I’m just a girl,
Guess I’m some kind of freak
‘Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I’m just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
Oh…am I making myself clear?
I’m just a girl
I’m just a girl in the world…
That’s all that you’ll let me be!
I’m just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I’m just a girl, what’s my destiny?
What I’ve succumbed to Is making me numb
I’m just a girl, my apologies
What I’ve become is so burdensome
I’m just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there’s no comparison

Oh…I’ve had it up to!
Oh…I’ve had it up to!!
Oh…I’ve had it up to here!

And yes, how lovely is this dress…. I would totally wear this dress while singing “I’m just a girl,” to the Wooddawg.

xoxox

Nighty Night! Sweet Dreams!