The eagle has landed!! Or maybe just Maya has landed in Austin, Texas.

 

Ronan. I had our white party, yesterday. I had it solo and it really wasn’t much of a party at all. But I wore all white and just did my normal, everyday stuff. I didn’t bring it up to your brothers. They don’t need to know every single one of these dates, all in a row, the way I do. I will protect them from what I can and the date that we had your service last year, didn’t seem like a day I needed to remind them of. They have been reminded of enough lately. My party didn’t last long, my party wasn’t very fun. I don’t think P Diddy, would have enjoyed it. I am glad he didn’t come. I spent the majority of yesterday, unpacking all of our suitcases and doing about 20 loads of laundry. I am anal like that. I needed everything to be put away/clean so I could feel o.k. about turning right around to hop on another flight. I am in route to Austin, Texas as we speak, but due to US Airways sucking balls, our flight has been massively delayed.

I am heading out to Austin, Texas to go to the Dell Children’s Medical Center for the 2012 NMTRC Symposium. I am going to listen to them talk about the latest in genomics-based personalized treatments for neuroblastoma in children. You see, when you believe in something or someone as much as I do, you will do whatever it takes to support them and learn as much as you can, about what they are doing. Even if that means surviving the worst month of the year, being beat down, tired, numb, sad and alone; but still continuing to move forward. I believe in Dr. Giselle Sholler this much. I believe in her, so much that I will do whatever it takes to help support her in whatever way I can. As of now, going to this conference is my way of saying thank you to her. For all that she is doing. It is my way of supporting her and it is a great way to learn the everything I possibly can, about what she is doing. Yes, I am tired. Yes, I just had a brutal past week. Yes, I would like to just crawl in my bed and not come out for a while. Yes, I probably need a break. But now is not the time for this. Right now, I have work to do. Right now, there is no stopping. I am too angry at this disease to stop and come up for air. I will eventually, but not now. Dr. JoRo texted me to see how I was doing. I told her I was in the zone. She told me she was worried. That my “zone,” makes her nervous. That she feels like I just got though the dates of hell, and now here I am, off again to do more, more, and more. I told her I knew. That I was nervous too. I told her I expected to have a breakdown next week. But not this week. This week I have some stuff to take care of. This week I can power through because I am strong even when I am not. I am doing this week, because this is what comes along with still taking care of you. I say this all the time, but this is my way of taking care of you. I will always put you, before myself. Always.

So yesterday, I played catch up all day. I got everything in the house, taken care of which in turn will lessen my anxiety and it will be nice not to come home to a shit storm of suitcases/dirty clothes, everywhere. I could not handle that so I powered through the day. I slept last night, off and on. No Ambien needed. I think I mostly tossed and turned. I sent some emails at some very vampire times so this tells me I really did not sleep at all. Today was more of the same stuff. I finished packing. I ran to Safeway to get our Hallie a little something for her birthday. I dropped it off at Green Cleaners for her and got to run in and give my friend a hug. She is my friend and she loved you. I think I made her day. I hope so, because she often makes mine. Whenever I’m having a bad day, I will run by to see Hallie because her mouth and her sass always makes me laugh. Laugher to me, is priceless. Not many things make me laugh anymore. She always does. I hope she had a nice birthday. She deserves to.

I am finally here. I am tired. I spent much of the flight with my head buried in your blanket, crying. Tonight, I am beating myself up. Tonight, I am filled with we should have done this. Tonight I am filled with, why didn’t we do that? Tonight, the only voice I hear in my head is I didn’t do enough to save you. In my irrational mind, if that were true, you would still be here. I know this is not logical. I know this an impossible standard to live with. I see how absurd this all sounds. It’s not a fun place to be, but this is where I am, as of tonight. I hope to wake up tomorrow, wearing a new set of glasses that seem less foggy and hard to see out of. Sometimes, things get really blurry and foggy with these glasses of regret and shame on. Maybe I just need some sleep.

Alright little one. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

A Barefoot Hike and Little Socks

Ro baby. Everyone is asleep. It is late. We had a late night out tonight. We went over to The Willets’ house, for dinner and to catch up and let the boys play. I so missed you tonight. I was so sad you were not with us. You loved those boys so much and used to always keep up with them, despite your younger age. I sat back and watched as L and Q, ran around with Gay’s three boys all night long. I used to have 3 too. Where are you? It feels so wrong to be the mom of only two boys now. I almost can’t take it. But it was nice to be with all of them tonight. I will say this for the rest of my life….. but we truly do have the best friends. Some are friends we have had for a long time…. like the Willets. Others are new and who came into our lives at the beginning of all of this, like Melissa and her family whom we had over last night. All are beautiful. After Melissa, David and their kids left last night, your Daddy goes, “You have made some really amazing friends through all of this.” I just smiled and told him I knew. I do know. I think about it all the time. It is another one of those gifts you have left behind. Our lovelies are everywhere. We had a nice time tonight as being with the Willets is calming to my soul. We love them so much. I love how laid back they are, funny, kind, and crazy. I love being surrounded by their boys and your brothers. I remember how much you loved being with them. I hope you were with us tonight. I think that you were. I was showing Gay how to put Pandora on her iPhone as she is new at all of that iPhone stuff and I’m an old pro. As I was playing with her phone, mine which was sitting on my lap, started playing music. Katy Perry’s, “Firework,” just started to play. I thought of you. I hope it was you. I think that it was. This life is so strange now. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know how it ever will again.

So, this WordPress Blog is so detailed. I have a whole stat tracker which gives me very specific details on how all of you lovelies are reading this blog. For example, on May 10…. a day after you passed away, Ro… I had 55,923 hits on this blog. On that one day alone. I check it out every few days, just out of curiosity. It tells me what search engine term people are using to find out about you. I get a lot of weird things, such as today… somebody searched this… “me and you baby dolls can drink.” Um o.k. Random and weird, but I guess I tagged Baby Doll before since that is what I used to call you and your website came up. These are the most popular search engine terms used from today.

rockstar ronan 1,438
rockstarronan 352
rock star ronan 93
ronan rockstar 54
ronan thompson 45
rockstarronan.com 43
rockstar ronan blog 43
www.rockstarronan.com 42
maya thompson blog 22
the ronan thompson foundation 21
rockstar ronan dies 16
maya thompson 15
rockstar ronan com 14
ronan thompson foundation

I get some funny things, some disturbing things, but most of all the two things that are searched the most are “Rockstar Ronan,” and “Rockstar Ronan dies.” The last one rips me to pieces every time. I often catch myself thinking, “Wait. What? Ronan died? How can that be true?!” It’s as if I am the blog reader, not the writer. Oh, how I wish that were true. My body than returns to itself, because reading those words truly does feel like an out of body experience. I have to remind myself that you, my beautiful son, did die of Cancer. I sometimes cannot even take reading this, so don’t ask me how I am able to sit here and write this. I still have no clue. One day, I will sit back and read all of this, but not today. I don’t know what I am waiting for, but as of now… it’s the writing that I need to do. The reading, can wait. I know there is no way I am ready to read what I have written in the past. It is going to be so painful and everything is still too fresh and raw.

Ro baby. I started that last night but had to stop due to the Melatonin kicking in. I had dreams about you. They weren’t happy, but they weren’t sad either. I don’t remember what you looked like, but I remember asking you questions. I asked you if you were scared. You told me, No. I’m glad for that. I hope you’re not scared as that is one of the things I worry about most. I still feel like I have just forgotten you somewhere, and that you are all alone in this big, big world. I miss you so much. I am glad I got to dream about you last night. It does not happen often.

I woke up this morning, knowing that I had to have a productive day, regardless of the day off that your brothers had from school and your Daddy has off from work. I got up and showered. I messaged back and forth a bit with a girl named, Katie, whom I have never met, but I have wanted to meet for some time now. She is just a friend on FB and owns an adorable kids clothing store. She is always reposting this blog on her business FB page and I’ve wanted to stop in for a while to tell her thank you. She told me she wanted to run some ideas past me so I said I would stop by this afternoon. I took Quinn with me. I walked into her store, Garage, and instantly fell in love. It is filled with all the things, your stylish self, would have gone crazy over. You loved to dress so sharp and stylish. I met Katie and felt like I had known her for years. We sat and got to know each other, while Quinn played and explored in her store. We went over an idea she has, which I’ll be talking about a little more once the details are finalized. I left her with a bunch of your bracelets, the Naughty and Nice version. I have to be careful about the people I partner up with, who want to help with your Foundation…. but everything with Katie felt right. And just as I was getting ready to leave, “Landslide,” by Stevie Nicks came on. If that wasn’t a sign right there, I don’t know what is. I started to tear up, and Katie told me I could sit and listen to it if I wanted. I told her that I had to go, because I knew if I did stay and sit, that I would be a uncontrollable mess. I left there with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. Thanks for being there with me today, Ro.

I ran a few more errands with Quinn. Talked to NY Miss Macy. She has been with Tricia all weekend long as Trish flew to San Francisco for this long weekend to spend some time with her. I love that. I so wanted to go, but it is not the right time for me to be away from your brothers. It made me happy though, to know my beautiful besties, were spending some quality time together. I sometimes cannot believe that had it not been for you, that Macy would have never been introduced into our lives. She is a gift that I will treasure forever. For as big as the hole in my heart is now, I know you are trying to fill it up as much as you can with people like Macy. I know that you are still working away, trying to find ways to make me grateful and happy again. Your gifts come in so many different forms now. For that, I am grateful.

After finishing up my errands with Quinn, we returned home and the rest of the afternoon was spent doing things around the house. Checking things off my shit list, left and right. I picked up my friend, Julie, who lives right down the street and I took her Inferno Hiking with me. She loved it and almost threw up, but did not. She is a trooper:) I am also glad to know that I am not the only one who sometimes throws up after a hard workout. We got to the top and she was saying that it was kind of like Hot Yoga. I told her exactly, except it was much better:) I can’t wrap my head around being peaceful enough within myself to go back to Hot Yoga. I told her how Inferno Hiking to me, is very intense, yet peaceful. She completely agreed. As we were heading down, Mountain Mike, was on his way up. So funny that we always seem to be there at the exact same time, even though the time that I hike, is never consistent. We said our hellos and I introduced him to Julie. He continued up as the two of us then started on our run down the mountain. It was the perfect ending to this day as you know how hard weekends are for me.

Tonight was spent quietly around the house. Your daddy went to the office and Liam and Quinn are snuggled up together on the top bunk of their bed. I have been busy putting all of the laundry away. It’s taken me forever. I have been washing the same pair of your socks for months now. I refuse to put them away. I just wash them over and over. I carry them around with me. I can’t believe I don’t have your little feet here to put them into. I can’t believe how I wander around the house, doing busy things and often just walk into your room, expecting to see you playing. Your room is still the way it always has been. I don’t want to change a thing. Liam often plays in there. I like to write in there and sometimes sit and quietly think. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are not here to play and sleep in your room. This all still seems like a bad dream, except I cannot seem to wake up.

Where are you baby? Are you playing with Esther. Please tell me yes. Tomorrow, it will have been 4 months since that sweet baby girl passed away. Your 4 months will be here soon as well. Please watch over Esther’s mama tomorrow. Well, everyday, really… but tomorrow extra close. I am worried about her. I feel such a need to go and see her. I promise I will get back East to do this soon.

I think this may be all for tonight, Ro. I have some homework to do before I see Dr. Joanne tomorrow. She took you with her when she went barefoot hiking this morning. I’ll send you the pic she sent me. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my love.

Dear lovely readers…….. Many of you have been asking about Ronan’s bracelets and where you can get them. I am almost completely out, but if you live in AZ…. there are some places that you can get them. Here are the locations::::

The Water Connection:::::::Nice Bracelets only::::: 3929 E Camelback Rd. Phoenix, AZ 85018

Green Cleaners::::Halle has Naughty only::::: 3912 East Camelback Road, Phoenix, AZ 85018

Garage::::Katie has both Naughty and Nice:::: 7144 E. Stetson Drive, Scottsdale, AZ

For my out of town peeps. I PROMISE, I’ll let you know when more are available. Should be later this week. Thanks for the LOVE and SUPPORT.

xoxo