Tears on the Inside. Sparkly on the Outside.


Ro Baby. Did you see us last night? Me. Your Daddy. Your brothers. Your cousins. Your Mimi Kay. Your Nana. Your Cousins. Your Tricia,Marisa,Danielle,Gay,Gina,Fernanda,Stacy,Sarah,Lindsey,Niki,Uncle Jay, Liz and Dr. JoRo. All of our new friends, too. I know you felt the love. How could you have not. The venue last night, was filled with the most beautiful people, in the world. The only one missing, was you. What were you doing, last night? We’re you watching us dancing along with the music? Were you running around eating all the candy? Were you throwing things off the balcony?? I’ll bet that’s what you would have been doing. If you would have been there tonight, you would have rocked the runway like no other. Nobody could wear a Fedora, quite like you.

I wonder so many things now, Ronan. Everything that is happening seems so surreal. I never truly experienced that word, until losing you. Now I feel this way with everything that happens in my life. Whether it be from being surrounded by so much love last night at the Fashion Show, to running on the canal late tonight and I swear the whole time the path sparkled like glitter. I’m laying in your bed right now, unable to sleep. Even this seems surreal. Do you want to talk about last night? I think we should as it was a night to be remembered, for as much as I don’t want to because I just don’t want it to be true. I want it to not be real and I want to just wake up from the nightmare of having you gone. I just pinched myself and fucking felt it. So, we will talk about last night.

I don’t know why it didn’t hit me, until last night as I was smack in the middle of watching kids walk down the runway that OMG, this is so totally wrong. For as beautiful as it was, it was just as equally as fucked up. There I was, sitting with your Daddy, Dr. JoRo and your Nana, while pictures of you played on the slide show above me and I sat back and watched as all these adorable kids, came dancing down the runway. I kept looking for you. Surely, you had to be next, right?? I waited and waited and waited. You didn’t come. I saw everyone, but you. I kept looking at Dr. JoRo. I didn’t even have to say a word to her. Her eyes said it all. I know exactly what she was thinking because I was thinking it too. Thoughts floated in and out of my head. I think I left my body for most of the night. I would have given my soul, right then and there, to not have had to be there because you got cancer and died. I kept my composure most of the night and managed to smile, naturally. My smile came because of all of the beautiful people in the room. I fully believe that 99% of them there, were for the RIGHT reasons. The other 1%, can FUCK OFF. You know who you are. You see Ro…. I may be new to all of this, but I have a vision for what I want your Foundation to turn into. Something of substance. Something where people are FULLY invested for the right reasons. Just not because they want their picture in Arizona Foothills Magazine. Or because they want their child, in a fashion show. I don’t ever want this to turn into that. It’s so important to me that this message in all of this, does not get lost. It takes a certain kind of person to understand this message and to truly want to understand the real meaning behind it. These are the kinds of people, I want behind us. I’m not tolerating the other bullshit. I just won’t do it because of your fancy last name. I am not an ass kisser and do not plan on starting now.

But Ro. Let me tell you about all of the RIGHT people that I had the pleasure of meeting last night, all thanks to you. I didn’t do a lot of socializing, but when I did venture out into our new world that exists it was so sparkly and gorgeous, just like you. While I was in hiding, in the VIP area a girl came in because she thought she saw me. She was the most darling thing and was so nervous to talk to me. She kept saying things like she couldn’t believe she was meeting me, but I felt just as lucky to be meeting her. She told me I was her hero which made me laugh. She must like my use of the Fuck word. I hugged her and she kept trying not to cry, but she had everyone else in the room, crying because of the TRUE, VULNERABLE, emotion that she couldn’t hide. I took some pictures with her. I tried to make light of the heaviness in the room by telling her we could take a naughty picture too. We stood there and smiling, and posing, while we flipped off the camera. She laughed. I hugged her again and thanked her for coming. I saw a girl named Tiffani that I met at the Garage a couple of weeks ago. I remembered her and her name which was huge for me, as I have an awful memory these days. I said, “Hi, Tiffani!” She was so excited and cute. She asked if she could have her picture taken with me. I told her of course. I think we flipped off the camera as well. Whoops! I’ll bet this is the first charity event that has been held, where the middle finger was used in pretty much every picture taken. Classy, Maya. It makes me laugh because you know what?? Cancer is that fucked up that I think it should be mandatory that if you go to an event, in support of cancer, that everybody should flip off the fucking camera. Especially if it is because your child died from it. I got to meet another one of my blog readers, whom I’ve been wanting to meet FOREVER. Michelle. She has been reading forever. She is always supportive, even with my darkest posts. She has a lot of faith which I so respect. She never throws it in my face, which I LOVE. I RESPECT that. I was so happy to meet her, and to give her a big hug. I wish I would have gotten a chance to hang out with her more. I can tell she is an awesome lady.

There venue was filled last night with so many of my favorite people. Some I know well, others I do not, but they always make me smile when I run into them. Nate’s mom was there, Beth. Little Elizabeth’s mom, Heidi. Mia’s mom, Sandra. All mommies who’s babies are battling cancer right now. That meant the WORLD to me. Elizabeth was supposed to be in the fashion show, but she is stuck in the hospital due to a fever and low immune system. She did her own fashion show, from her hospital room. The pictures are PRICELESS. They melted my heart. I have no doubt, the two of you would have been such great friends. She has such a spirit and glow about her. I saw Jen, the mama of 3 boys who is battling Brain Cancer. All 3 of her sweet boys, were in the show. She is in the middle of treatment that she is doing, in California, and supporting you means so much to her that even though she just returned from Cali, she made it to the Fashion Show. Did I mention that she is battling Brain Cancer? Talk about an amazing mama. I know how excited her boys were to be in this. I met them the other day and I can tell you, never in my life have I met 3 sweeter boys. Well, excluding you and your brothers. And those Willets boys. The 9 of you, together, would have had the BEST time.

And Ro. Some sweet man bought that painting for us, that Dash did. The dad of a mommy I know. How sweet is that? It is so beautiful and it was so kind of him to do. People are amazing. That picture reminds me so much of you and will go perfectly in your untouched room. Your room that has your Star Wars figures dumped out all over the floor because I put them there, the other day, so you could play with them. I haven’t picked them up. Dr. JoRo tripped over them tonight and it made me laugh because that is exactly what would have happened if you had been here. I stepped on one with my bare foot tonight as I was coming to climb into your bed. I yelled out “FUCK!” because it hurt. Then I smiled because it made me think you were here. Then I cried because you were not. I’m laying in your bed now. It’s quiet and cool. Your stuffed animals say Hello and that they miss you. I’ll sleep with them tonight for you.

I know you saw the venue last night. It looked amazing. I have a list a mile long of people who I just want to reach out and hug to tell them Thank You. Miss Katie, first. For so many things. Do you know, how I met Miss Katie? I think I told you. I didn’t know her, before all of this. At some point, we became friends on FB, which I don’t even remember because I am now such a FB whore, that I accept every friend request that comes my way. I used to be so private. Guess that all flew out the window, once you got cancer because I decided that I had nothing to lose. I have no idea who half of my FB “Friends” are but some of the best of them, have come out of it, like Katie. I don’t get on there very often anymore, because I tend to get overwhelmed. But when I was checking it this summer, I noticed Katie from the Garage for Kids would often repost my blogs. I remember thinking how sweet that was, because her store was more of a “Kids,” clothing store and my blog is not very “Kid,” friendly. Once we returned from our summer away, I think I messaged Katie to tell her I wanted to come by her store, to tell her thank you in person. We set up a time for me to come by. As soon as I walked in, it was just kind of like, “Oh. Hello.I’ve known you my whole life.” It was actually really weird, but it wasn’t. It just felt like that’s the way it had always been. Then I started coming into her store more and more. Then the Fashion Show idea got thrown in there. Well, Ro. I can tell you something. There is NOBODY, I would have rather done this with. It is so important to me, when throwing your name out there, that it is associated with the right kind of person. Katie is without a doubt, that person and I am so thankful. I feel like we work really well together and we share a lot of the same visions. Everything about last night was so detailed and sweet. From the pearls that dripped off the Miss Piggy Spirit Hood to the wrap around candy bar. I know as this event goes on in the future, that is just going to get bigger and better. I am so excited for the future of this and what’s to come. And that’s saying a lot, because I know you know how hard it is for me to think about the future. I usually refuse to go there.

You know what else, Ro? I have this hive around me called The Busy Little Bees. I think I made this up, in one of my blog references and the name has stuck. I like it. It’s cute. It’s sweet. Maybe a little too sweet? Maybe I should rename them, The Fuckin’ Busy Little Bees;) Nah. I’ll keep it clean. And pure. Because that’s what these women’s hearts are. Full of love for you. And me. And our family. And their families. I’ve never in my life, seen anything like them. It’s amazing how they pulled this all off. It’s amazing how they all came together and totally got shit done. It’s because of these women, Katie, and all the generous donors and support of the community, that your event was such a huge success. I am humbled. I am thankful. I am honored to know such beauty in such ugliness. You are so loved.

I have a thousand more words to write, but it’s 4:30 a.m. I’ve got to try to get some sleep. We can talk about my dark run freak out Dr. JoRo left a wedding to pick my ass up tonight because I was hysterical….. later on. I love you so much. I miss you more. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Seriously. Thank you. To everyone who is reading this. Who came out last night. Who helped. Who smiled at me. Who hugged me. Who cries for me. Who was there, in spirit. Who donated. I don’t care if it’s a freaking quarter. It’s something. You are doing something, even if it’s just wearing his bracelet. Even if it’s just talking about him. You’re doing so much more, than you think. I love you for this. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. OH! And dear sweet Taylor Swift! I almost forgot! Did you wear that purple the other night on the award show, while you sang your song, just for RO??!! Everyone thinks you did!! I do too:) Thank you, baby girl. My Quinn has not stopped playing your music, since we left your concert. And last night, I honored you at Ro’s Fashion show. I had my friend, Dave write one of your lyrics down my arm. Do you know what it said?? Everyone has been asking, but I wanted to tell you first. It said…..

“And I don’t know why but with you I’d dance

In a storm in my best dress

FEARLESS”

I know why. You know why. He knows why.

Thank you. Love you.

xoxo

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19 thoughts on “Tears on the Inside. Sparkly on the Outside.

  1. sandy

    Such an amazing event. An amazing group of people. An amazing family. AN AMAZING LITTLE BOY.
    Thank you for including all of us in your journey – you are making such an impact. I’m honored to have met you last night and to have given you a hug. It’s the same hug I give you ‘virtually’ every morning when I read your words. Do you ever feel it? I hope so.

  2. Laura

    I am so glad the night turned out amazing. Glad your whole family was there to enjoy the beauty of such a special event. My love, thoughts and prayers for your entire family.Try to get some sleep so you can have a nice visit with your mom and family.

  3. Jaime H.

    I’m so happy that the event was so wonderful and full of love for you and Ronan. That’s truly wonderful! You looked so pretty, too 🙂 Thanks for sharing it with us! Praying many more blessings to come! Keeping you in thought and prayer, xoxo

  4. Jennifer

    I was one of the lucky ones Thursday night that was witness to all the amazing LOVE in that room. I was so overwhelmed watching these beautiful angels parade through looking so proud, and scared, and amazingly rockstar. I didn’t want to be in tears but i too had them on the inside. Ro should have been there. All these kids taken from us should be strutting down the runway. But they weren’t, and that broke my heart.
    I was with Beth. She made the most awesome fu cancer shirt, purple and sparkly. We were both so excited to be there. We put on sparkly purple eye shadow and discovered that both of us suck at fake eyelashes, so we scratched those. I don’t know if you noticed that when i met you. It was so loud and you seemed so overwhelmed. I had so much to say and nothing to say. There are no words. It was an amazing event, you are an amazing woman. I was so nervous about actually meeting you. But then it was so crowded and busy and loud and i could tell you were doing your best to just survive the night. I could feel the 1% you mentioned and indeed they can fuck off. Those that went just because it was an event, the place to be. Sickening.
    But looking around, the amount of work that went into it was evident and amazing. Amazing that you have so much goodness and love around you. I ran yesterday too. On the canal, probably farther west. I wore my new black awesome bracelet and when my legs burned and my knees ached, i looked at it and kept running. 10 miles. Ronan was a star, you are a star, I am a star….and i won’t stop until this disease stops robbing us of such beautiful not spicy monkeys. I love you for doing this through so much pain. FUCK cancer!

  5. S

    What an amazing night that was. Thank you. I wish I could have gotten the chance to meet you. I am pretty sure I did get to see one of the 1% you were talking about. I couldn’t believe it. People who are rude and mean and snotty at a kids cancer charily event? I didn’t know those people existed. I was hoping they were just mythical creatures, but unfortunately they are real. Yuck. Doesn’t matter though because you could feel all of the love coming out of every other person there. You are amazing Maya!

  6. Melissa Toney Vendt

    Though I live far away….I felt close to Ro’s Runway–my heart was definitely with you all and I have been looking forward to hearing how amazing and sparkly it was. I ditto Sandy, it is my hope that you feel my virtual hug each day as well. Love to you, Ronan, and all of the people who help make each of your days a little brighter.

  7. Katie

    What a wonderful event, I loved and hated every moment. I loved the amount of people showing their love for Ro (seriously, one could hardly get from point A to B), the little runway rockstars, the darling clothes, THE CANDY BAR (I LOVE candy), and every detail that went into making this event absolutely lovely and a complete celebration of Ronan. I HATED and it deeply saddened me that this event was even happening because you can no longer kiss your baby goodnight. As I stood and watched the stylin munchkins walk down the runway it felt so wrong that Ro wasn’t there to do the same… to eat the tasty candy and as you said to throw whatever off the balcony haha. It was a bitter sweet event for sure. Thank you for allowing me to be a part.

    My husband and I were a little late getting there, I think we got there around 6:50 PM. I saw you the moment I walked in, I had to immediately look away to keep myself from completely losing it. When I finally decided that I needed to say hi and give you the biggest hug and probably cry hysterically a tall man came and hugged you and offered his deepest apology for your loss. I didn’t get the chance. I know I will have another chance one day to meet you, until then I think about you, your family, and Ronan every day. I love you. Isn’t that totally weird and maybe creepy? I don’t care, I really do love you like a dear friend even though I’ve never personally met you.

    I want to say hang in there but I’m sure that is the lamest thing ever and your next post will probably be “fuck you to the next person who says hang in there” haha… understandably… so I will just leave you the always cheesy you and your family are in my heart.

  8. Ali

    Sounds like an amazing event- wish I could’ve been there. If it becomes an annual event I swear I will get there one year!!!

  9. amy

    Amazing event. I felt like I was part of such a gigantic movement that is about the change the world. Thanks for leading the pack. FUCK CANCER.

  10. Annie

    I wish I could have transplanted myself to Arizona for this event; I was there in spirit. Maya–I have tried twice to send my boys’ earnings from their Rockstar Ronan Lemonade Stand to the address listed on Ro’s foundation website, but it has been returned. If you can send your address to my email, I’d be glad to send it there, or let me know where else it can reach you. Thanks!

  11. Jaime H.

    “So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:18.
    Maya, I came across this verse today, i wanted to share it with you, i hope it doesn’t bother you, it has helped me at times. Much love to you today as always, xoxo

  12. Eva Marie Stasiak

    I am a relatively new follower of yours, I love reading your posts, and I am sorry that you have so much to say. Fuck Cancer because without it you would like have none of this to say. Sending you so much love, light and peace and hoping some restful sleep finds you tonight.
    (((Hugs)))

  13. Nicole

    Maya,
    I cannot thank you enough for putting your words out there. Your words, you, Ro, your story . . . you have made me a better person. A huge, profound impact on my life. Thank you!

  14. Sara k

    I always wish I had the perfect words….i’ve typed about 100 long and short comments over the months….and erased all but 2 or 3!!! If only my tears could somehow absorb one or two of yours, if my virtual hugs could somehow squeeze away the pain, if screaming fuuuuuuucccckkkkk at the top of my lungs could for one tiny millisecond free up your overwound, never-able-to-rest brain…….i wish I could……love,love,love……

  15. Kelly Conry

    Sweet Maya…the love and support was truly amazing. Thanks for allowing me to be a part of it. (I was along with Emily :)) You have such a gentle spirit and I know that Ro is so proud of his mama. xoxo.

  16. Riley

    Maya- what a beautiful, fun event. I went with some neighbors of mine and turned them on to Rockstar Ro. They are forever changed as am I. I wanted to also say hello, but it was a crazy mob scene- all that love! Hope you know we all love you and hoping we can take some of your pain for you.

  17. Taura Hart

    It was beautiful Maya!!! I was honored to be a part of something so magical!! As I watched the kids walk down the runway I caught a glimpse of the slide show and immediately the tears started falling down my face…They were happy tears, to see such beauty and such light fill the venue but sad tears as I knew all you wanted was Ro to be walking down that runway!! As I’m sure he was!! 🙂 I wanted sooo badly to say hello, hug you and tell you how much I admire everything little thing about you but I couldn’t hold the tears back, you looked soo beautiful and I wanted to watch you smile and enjoy every moment!! However the next event I would love to hug you and tell you in person how truly amazing you are and how much you and Ronan continue to change my life! xoxo

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