Tears on the Inside. Sparkly on the Outside.

Ro Baby. Did you see us last night? Me. Your Daddy. Your brothers. Your cousins. Your Mimi Kay. Your Nana. Your Cousins. Your Tricia,Marisa,Danielle,Gay,Gina,Fernanda,Stacy,Sarah,Lindsey,Niki,Uncle Jay, Liz and Dr. JoRo. All of our new friends, too. I know you felt the love. How could you have not. The venue last night, was filled with the most beautiful people, in the world. The only one missing, was you. What were you doing, last night? We’re you watching us dancing along with the music? Were you running around eating all the candy? Were you throwing things off the balcony?? I’ll bet that’s what you would have been doing. If you would have been there tonight, you would have rocked the runway like no other. Nobody could wear a Fedora, quite like you.

I wonder so many things now, Ronan. Everything that is happening seems so surreal. I never truly experienced that word, until losing you. Now I feel this way with everything that happens in my life. Whether it be from being surrounded by so much love last night at the Fashion Show, to running on the canal late tonight and I swear the whole time the path sparkled like glitter. I’m laying in your bed right now, unable to sleep. Even this seems surreal. Do you want to talk about last night? I think we should as it was a night to be remembered, for as much as I don’t want to because I just don’t want it to be true. I want it to not be real and I want to just wake up from the nightmare of having you gone. I just pinched myself and fucking felt it. So, we will talk about last night.

I don’t know why it didn’t hit me, until last night as I was smack in the middle of watching kids walk down the runway that OMG, this is so totally wrong. For as beautiful as it was, it was just as equally as fucked up. There I was, sitting with your Daddy, Dr. JoRo and your Nana, while pictures of you played on the slide show above me and I sat back and watched as all these adorable kids, came dancing down the runway. I kept looking for you. Surely, you had to be next, right?? I waited and waited and waited. You didn’t come. I saw everyone, but you. I kept looking at Dr. JoRo. I didn’t even have to say a word to her. Her eyes said it all. I know exactly what she was thinking because I was thinking it too. Thoughts floated in and out of my head. I think I left my body for most of the night. I would have given my soul, right then and there, to not have had to be there because you got cancer and died. I kept my composure most of the night and managed to smile, naturally. My smile came because of all of the beautiful people in the room. I fully believe that 99% of them there, were for the RIGHT reasons. The other 1%, can FUCK OFF. You know who you are. You see Ro…. I may be new to all of this, but I have a vision for what I want your Foundation to turn into. Something of substance. Something where people are FULLY invested for the right reasons. Just not because they want their picture in Arizona Foothills Magazine. Or because they want their child, in a fashion show. I don’t ever want this to turn into that. It’s so important to me that this message in all of this, does not get lost. It takes a certain kind of person to understand this message and to truly want to understand the real meaning behind it. These are the kinds of people, I want behind us. I’m not tolerating the other bullshit. I just won’t do it because of your fancy last name. I am not an ass kisser and do not plan on starting now.

But Ro. Let me tell you about all of the RIGHT people that I had the pleasure of meeting last night, all thanks to you. I didn’t do a lot of socializing, but when I did venture out into our new world that exists it was so sparkly and gorgeous, just like you. While I was in hiding, in the VIP area a girl came in because she thought she saw me. She was the most darling thing and was so nervous to talk to me. She kept saying things like she couldn’t believe she was meeting me, but I felt just as lucky to be meeting her. She told me I was her hero which made me laugh. She must like my use of the Fuck word. I hugged her and she kept trying not to cry, but she had everyone else in the room, crying because of the TRUE, VULNERABLE, emotion that she couldn’t hide. I took some pictures with her. I tried to make light of the heaviness in the room by telling her we could take a naughty picture too. We stood there and smiling, and posing, while we flipped off the camera. She laughed. I hugged her again and thanked her for coming. I saw a girl named Tiffani that I met at the Garage a couple of weeks ago. I remembered her and her name which was huge for me, as I have an awful memory these days. I said, “Hi, Tiffani!” She was so excited and cute. She asked if she could have her picture taken with me. I told her of course. I think we flipped off the camera as well. Whoops! I’ll bet this is the first charity event that has been held, where the middle finger was used in pretty much every picture taken. Classy, Maya. It makes me laugh because you know what?? Cancer is that fucked up that I think it should be mandatory that if you go to an event, in support of cancer, that everybody should flip off the fucking camera. Especially if it is because your child died from it. I got to meet another one of my blog readers, whom I’ve been wanting to meet FOREVER. Michelle. She has been reading forever. She is always supportive, even with my darkest posts. She has a lot of faith which I so respect. She never throws it in my face, which I LOVE. I RESPECT that. I was so happy to meet her, and to give her a big hug. I wish I would have gotten a chance to hang out with her more. I can tell she is an awesome lady.

There venue was filled last night with so many of my favorite people. Some I know well, others I do not, but they always make me smile when I run into them. Nate’s mom was there, Beth. Little Elizabeth’s mom, Heidi. Mia’s mom, Sandra. All mommies who’s babies are battling cancer right now. That meant the WORLD to me. Elizabeth was supposed to be in the fashion show, but she is stuck in the hospital due to a fever and low immune system. She did her own fashion show, from her hospital room. The pictures are PRICELESS. They melted my heart. I have no doubt, the two of you would have been such great friends. She has such a spirit and glow about her. I saw Jen, the mama of 3 boys who is battling Brain Cancer. All 3 of her sweet boys, were in the show. She is in the middle of treatment that she is doing, in California, and supporting you means so much to her that even though she just returned from Cali, she made it to the Fashion Show. Did I mention that she is battling Brain Cancer? Talk about an amazing mama. I know how excited her boys were to be in this. I met them the other day and I can tell you, never in my life have I met 3 sweeter boys. Well, excluding you and your brothers. And those Willets boys. The 9 of you, together, would have had the BEST time.

And Ro. Some sweet man bought that painting for us, that Dash did. The dad of a mommy I know. How sweet is that? It is so beautiful and it was so kind of him to do. People are amazing. That picture reminds me so much of you and will go perfectly in your untouched room. Your room that has your Star Wars figures dumped out all over the floor because I put them there, the other day, so you could play with them. I haven’t picked them up. Dr. JoRo tripped over them tonight and it made me laugh because that is exactly what would have happened if you had been here. I stepped on one with my bare foot tonight as I was coming to climb into your bed. I yelled out “FUCK!” because it hurt. Then I smiled because it made me think you were here. Then I cried because you were not. I’m laying in your bed now. It’s quiet and cool. Your stuffed animals say Hello and that they miss you. I’ll sleep with them tonight for you.

I know you saw the venue last night. It looked amazing. I have a list a mile long of people who I just want to reach out and hug to tell them Thank You. Miss Katie, first. For so many things. Do you know, how I met Miss Katie? I think I told you. I didn’t know her, before all of this. At some point, we became friends on FB, which I don’t even remember because I am now such a FB whore, that I accept every friend request that comes my way. I used to be so private. Guess that all flew out the window, once you got cancer because I decided that I had nothing to lose. I have no idea who half of my FB “Friends” are but some of the best of them, have come out of it, like Katie. I don’t get on there very often anymore, because I tend to get overwhelmed. But when I was checking it this summer, I noticed Katie from the Garage for Kids would often repost my blogs. I remember thinking how sweet that was, because her store was more of a “Kids,” clothing store and my blog is not very “Kid,” friendly. Once we returned from our summer away, I think I messaged Katie to tell her I wanted to come by her store, to tell her thank you in person. We set up a time for me to come by. As soon as I walked in, it was just kind of like, “Oh. Hello.I’ve known you my whole life.” It was actually really weird, but it wasn’t. It just felt like that’s the way it had always been. Then I started coming into her store more and more. Then the Fashion Show idea got thrown in there. Well, Ro. I can tell you something. There is NOBODY, I would have rather done this with. It is so important to me, when throwing your name out there, that it is associated with the right kind of person. Katie is without a doubt, that person and I am so thankful. I feel like we work really well together and we share a lot of the same visions. Everything about last night was so detailed and sweet. From the pearls that dripped off the Miss Piggy Spirit Hood to the wrap around candy bar. I know as this event goes on in the future, that is just going to get bigger and better. I am so excited for the future of this and what’s to come. And that’s saying a lot, because I know you know how hard it is for me to think about the future. I usually refuse to go there.

You know what else, Ro? I have this hive around me called The Busy Little Bees. I think I made this up, in one of my blog references and the name has stuck. I like it. It’s cute. It’s sweet. Maybe a little too sweet? Maybe I should rename them, The Fuckin’ Busy Little Bees;) Nah. I’ll keep it clean. And pure. Because that’s what these women’s hearts are. Full of love for you. And me. And our family. And their families. I’ve never in my life, seen anything like them. It’s amazing how they pulled this all off. It’s amazing how they all came together and totally got shit done. It’s because of these women, Katie, and all the generous donors and support of the community, that your event was such a huge success. I am humbled. I am thankful. I am honored to know such beauty in such ugliness. You are so loved.

I have a thousand more words to write, but it’s 4:30 a.m. I’ve got to try to get some sleep. We can talk about my dark run freak out Dr. JoRo left a wedding to pick my ass up tonight because I was hysterical….. later on. I love you so much. I miss you more. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

Seriously. Thank you. To everyone who is reading this. Who came out last night. Who helped. Who smiled at me. Who hugged me. Who cries for me. Who was there, in spirit. Who donated. I don’t care if it’s a freaking quarter. It’s something. You are doing something, even if it’s just wearing his bracelet. Even if it’s just talking about him. You’re doing so much more, than you think. I love you for this. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. OH! And dear sweet Taylor Swift! I almost forgot! Did you wear that purple the other night on the award show, while you sang your song, just for RO??!! Everyone thinks you did!! I do too:) Thank you, baby girl. My Quinn has not stopped playing your music, since we left your concert. And last night, I honored you at Ro’s Fashion show. I had my friend, Dave write one of your lyrics down my arm. Do you know what it said?? Everyone has been asking, but I wanted to tell you first. It said…..

“And I don’t know why but with you I’d dance

In a storm in my best dress

FEARLESS”

I know why. You know why. He knows why.

Thank you. Love you.

xoxo

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6 Mother Fucking Months? Fuck you, ASSHOLE CANCER

Ro baby. 6 months. Soon. 3:22 a.m. tomorrow. In just 5 and a half hours. No. NO.NO. But yes. Because as I said tonight, as I was leaving Dr. JoRo’s, I’m being punished for something I did in a past life or something? I must have done something really, really, awful to deserve this pain, yes? That’s the only thing I can think of, that makes sense. What would I have done that would have been so horrific, that I deserved to lose you? Murdered 10,000 babies? Did I blow up an entire city? It must have been something huge, for this to happen. WTF? But it doesn’t make sense. Because I don’t really have a mean bone in my body. Except if you piss me off. Then I will punch you. But I really won’t. I don’t think I’ve ever punched a person in my life, but I think it sounds cool, so I like to say it.

What has been going on, little man? I don’t know. I don’t even know the last time I’ve written. It feels like weeks ago. The Fashion Show is Thursday. THE FASHION SHOW IS THURSDAY! I’m not sure if I’m excited. I don’t really know the feeling of excitement anymore. Am I proud? Yes. I guess. What does that, even really mean? Am I proud that I have not slit my wrists or run off to China, solo? Sure. I guess. Whatever. And I thankful? Some days. I am thankful for all the amazing people, surrounding me. Helping with this. Supporting us. Loving you. Everyday. Everyday, Ro. Because they are the people, in this world, who get it. For as much as they don’t, they do. But, I’m not thankful because you are dead. And I just want you back. But I can’t have you back, so I will surround myself with the people who won’t let me fall. Or, who will let me fall but who will be there to just rub my back and let me cry while I carry around my dead child’s blanket and bury my face in it to cry like I did tonight at the Garage. And Katie didn’t need to say anything. She just let me be. She just let me bury my head and cry while she stood by and rubbed my back. And that was enough. After that, we went out for a quick bite to eat. With her darling store employee, Christy, and Denise who flew in from San Francisco to help with the fashion show. To support us. Because she loves us and believes in you. We went to dinner and I made the girls laugh. Do you know, that never happens anymore, Ro? And you know how secretly funny I am. You know that it is only when I am truly comfortable that I am able to let me funny side, come out. We were talking about the perception of me now. I guess because I throw the fuck word out a lot on here, people expect when they meet me, that I am some tough-ass, rocking out, loud, center of attention, chick. And then when they meet me, they are thrown off because I’m actually pretty shy and quiet. I told Katie and the girls tonight that when I meet someone for the first time, that reads this blog that instead of saying, “Hi, I’m Maya. Nice to meet you.” That I should really say, ” Hi, I’m Maya. Nice to FUCKING MEET YOU!” The whole table laughed at that tonight and it was a nice way to end a hard day and night, by making some of the sweetest girls alive, laugh. Because for that split second I didn’t feel like Maya Thompson, whose son just died of cancer. For that split second I felt like Maya Thompson, the girl who has a great life with 3 healthy boys, and who is funny as shit. But only if she let’s her guard down with you. I loved that split second of feeling normal, Ro. I miss it a lot some days. Most days. All days.

I think I have been running around like mad. I’m pretty sure, after this event, I am going to crash and burn. For a lot of reasons. I’m pretty sure, Katie, deserves to go on an exotic vacation for a good 2 weeks and does not need to answer her phone or emails while I send her on this pretend vacation. If I had a magic wand, I would bring you back and send Katie somewhere amazing. And we would go with her and play in the sand and help you make Star Wars castles. I’m pretty sure, you would love all of this. I’m pretty sure, most of the people who are alive and who have kids who are alive and who can easily do this, don’t. Or if they do, they don’t know how lucky they truly are. And I hope if they read this and the next time they get to do this, that they think of you, and do realize how lucky they are. Because having a healthy family is really what it’s all about. It’s all that matters, really. I knew this. We all knew this which is why this really seems like a sick joke. Maybe if I had been a bad mom this wouldn’t hurt so much? Do you think that’s the case, Ro? Do you think if I had been a really, really, bad mom who drank and did lots of drugs and who didn’t take care of her kids that I wouldn’t be hurting so much? Do you think because I took such good care of you and loved you and your brothers so much, that the pain couldn’t possibly get any worse? I kind of do. I’ve told you this before. It’s like I’m being punished because I loved you too much. And you loved me so much that the world was scared of it or something? Or maybe it was because your eyes were too blue and mine are too green? Who the fuck knows. And I don’t know if I’ll ever know so I’ll just end this little paragraph with a poem that our Dr. JoRo sent me. Here you go, little bug.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

I saw Dr. JoRo tonight. Do you want to know her scale for figuring out how I am doing on a daily basis is, Ro? She asks me now, “So, is it a shitty day, a fucking shitty day, or a mother-fucking shitty day?” Today, I told her it was a mother-fucking fucking shitty day and I had a hit list with 3 people on it. She goes, “Oh, that’s a new one!” We then sat for the next few hours and went over what’s been going on. I guess a lot. I sat there and stared at you on the obituary she has of you, displayed in her office. Your big, blue eyes just stared at me. I told Dr. JoRo that this is so fucking unfathomable to me, that I felt like you were somebody else’s child, staring at back at me from your picture. You, that sweet gorgeous dead child, couldn’t possibly have been mine. No way. Nope. Never. Not happening. I am not the one in the room, talking to Dr. JoRo because that gorgeous creature of mine, staring at me with eyes that I used to get lost in, is fucking dead of cancer. Almost 6 months ago. Dr. JoRo said I looked tired. I told her, always. Which is why I was wearing my purple glasses tonight. To hide the dark circles under my eyes. Along with the red eyes, the tear filled eyes, the puffy eyes. Those purple glasses, can hide a lot.

I left Dr. JoRo to head back to check in with Katie. I sat in the parking lot before I left Dr. JoRo to gather my thoughts, first though. Then I had a mad texting freak out session with our favorite lovie. I think I wrote things like how lame and stupid it was that people think that because you died, I will go on to do amazing things. Like this is my job and purpose now, because you are dead. And who is the asshole that decided you had to DIE, for me to do these things?? I said things like if you had survived, I would have done even more amazing things. I wouldn’t have just been a mom, whose kid got cancer, who lucked out, and they survived, and then they just went on with their lives. I would have fought and fought and fought even harder, until a cure was found. With you here, on this earth, fighting with me. I think went on to say that this world is full of stupid, ignorant, and INCONSIDERATE, people everywhere and the next time I ran into one, I was going to punch them. And then I said I was going to move to Iceland. Alone. Where I don’t have to deal with asshole people who give you fake smiles, like they care. I have a radar for fake smiles, you know. And no tolerance for them.

I ended up getting talked down off the ledge. As always. The one person in my life, that can do this for me. I know you know why, Ro. You always have. But than I asked for a question to be answered. Because you know, my questions are always never-ending. I wanted our lovie to tell me why you had to die, for me to go on and fight this fucking fight. Our lovie told me, there would never be an answer for your death because it shouldn’t have happened. I sighed. A tear slid down my cheek. I know this. But I still struggle with this question, everyday. You know what I wish? That I were a really, really, stupid, ignorant person, who didn’t think about questions. Who just accepted answers. How blissful would it be to live a dumb life, because you just didn’t know any other way? Surely, it would be less painful? Not to question everything. So many questions that you are constantly feeling like you are trying to climb walls that don’t exist, only to never get to the top, and the walls leave your fingers bloody, shredded, black and blue. Fucking Bullshit.

It’s 11:11. I stared at the clock and said over and over again, ” I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you know I love you. I hope you know I’m sorry. I hope you know I wish it were me. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am so, so, sorry for not saving you. I’m so sorry, I broke my promise to you.

And now I have to go, Ro. Because 6 months ago, at this time, we were cuddling up together while you were leaving this world. And I was listening to the sound of you breathing, while the oxygen blew next to your face. While Fernanda sang you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star but she didn’t know the words, so she had to Google them. Thank Ro, for fucking Google. Not God. Always Ro.

I love you. I’m sorry. I miss you so much that it feels like 6 years that we have been apart, not 6 months. I hope you are safe my little not spicy, monkey boy. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo