6 Mother Fucking Months? Fuck you, ASSHOLE CANCER


Ro baby. 6 months. Soon. 3:22 a.m. tomorrow. In just 5 and a half hours. No. NO.NO. But yes. Because as I said tonight, as I was leaving Dr. JoRo’s, I’m being punished for something I did in a past life or something? I must have done something really, really, awful to deserve this pain, yes? That’s the only thing I can think of, that makes sense. What would I have done that would have been so horrific, that I deserved to lose you? Murdered 10,000 babies? Did I blow up an entire city? It must have been something huge, for this to happen. WTF? But it doesn’t make sense. Because I don’t really have a mean bone in my body. Except if you piss me off. Then I will punch you. But I really won’t. I don’t think I’ve ever punched a person in my life, but I think it sounds cool, so I like to say it.

What has been going on, little man? I don’t know. I don’t even know the last time I’ve written. It feels like weeks ago. The Fashion Show is Thursday. THE FASHION SHOW IS THURSDAY! I’m not sure if I’m excited. I don’t really know the feeling of excitement anymore. Am I proud? Yes. I guess. What does that, even really mean? Am I proud that I have not slit my wrists or run off to China, solo? Sure. I guess. Whatever. And I thankful? Some days. I am thankful for all the amazing people, surrounding me. Helping with this. Supporting us. Loving you. Everyday. Everyday, Ro. Because they are the people, in this world, who get it. For as much as they don’t, they do. But, I’m not thankful because you are dead. And I just want you back. But I can’t have you back, so I will surround myself with the people who won’t let me fall. Or, who will let me fall but who will be there to just rub my back and let me cry while I carry around my dead child’s blanket and bury my face in it to cry like I did tonight at the Garage. And Katie didn’t need to say anything. She just let me be. She just let me bury my head and cry while she stood by and rubbed my back. And that was enough. After that, we went out for a quick bite to eat. With her darling store employee, Christy, and Denise who flew in from San Francisco to help with the fashion show. To support us. Because she loves us and believes in you. We went to dinner and I made the girls laugh. Do you know, that never happens anymore, Ro? And you know how secretly funny I am. You know that it is only when I am truly comfortable that I am able to let me funny side, come out. We were talking about the perception of me now. I guess because I throw the fuck word out a lot on here, people expect when they meet me, that I am some tough-ass, rocking out, loud, center of attention, chick. And then when they meet me, they are thrown off because I’m actually pretty shy and quiet. I told Katie and the girls tonight that when I meet someone for the first time, that reads this blog that instead of saying, “Hi, I’m Maya. Nice to meet you.” That I should really say, ” Hi, I’m Maya. Nice to FUCKING MEET YOU!” The whole table laughed at that tonight and it was a nice way to end a hard day and night, by making some of the sweetest girls alive, laugh. Because for that split second I didn’t feel like Maya Thompson, whose son just died of cancer. For that split second I felt like Maya Thompson, the girl who has a great life with 3 healthy boys, and who is funny as shit. But only if she let’s her guard down with you. I loved that split second of feeling normal, Ro. I miss it a lot some days. Most days. All days.

I think I have been running around like mad. I’m pretty sure, after this event, I am going to crash and burn. For a lot of reasons. I’m pretty sure, Katie, deserves to go on an exotic vacation for a good 2 weeks and does not need to answer her phone or emails while I send her on this pretend vacation. If I had a magic wand, I would bring you back and send Katie somewhere amazing. And we would go with her and play in the sand and help you make Star Wars castles. I’m pretty sure, you would love all of this. I’m pretty sure, most of the people who are alive and who have kids who are alive and who can easily do this, don’t. Or if they do, they don’t know how lucky they truly are. And I hope if they read this and the next time they get to do this, that they think of you, and do realize how lucky they are. Because having a healthy family is really what it’s all about. It’s all that matters, really. I knew this. We all knew this which is why this really seems like a sick joke. Maybe if I had been a bad mom this wouldn’t hurt so much? Do you think that’s the case, Ro? Do you think if I had been a really, really, bad mom who drank and did lots of drugs and who didn’t take care of her kids that I wouldn’t be hurting so much? Do you think because I took such good care of you and loved you and your brothers so much, that the pain couldn’t possibly get any worse? I kind of do. I’ve told you this before. It’s like I’m being punished because I loved you too much. And you loved me so much that the world was scared of it or something? Or maybe it was because your eyes were too blue and mine are too green? Who the fuck knows. And I don’t know if I’ll ever know so I’ll just end this little paragraph with a poem that our Dr. JoRo sent me. Here you go, little bug.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

I saw Dr. JoRo tonight. Do you want to know her scale for figuring out how I am doing on a daily basis is, Ro? She asks me now, “So, is it a shitty day, a fucking shitty day, or a mother-fucking shitty day?” Today, I told her it was a mother-fucking fucking shitty day and I had a hit list with 3 people on it. She goes, “Oh, that’s a new one!” We then sat for the next few hours and went over what’s been going on. I guess a lot. I sat there and stared at you on the obituary she has of you, displayed in her office. Your big, blue eyes just stared at me. I told Dr. JoRo that this is so fucking unfathomable to me, that I felt like you were somebody else’s child, staring at back at me from your picture. You, that sweet gorgeous dead child, couldn’t possibly have been mine. No way. Nope. Never. Not happening. I am not the one in the room, talking to Dr. JoRo because that gorgeous creature of mine, staring at me with eyes that I used to get lost in, is fucking dead of cancer. Almost 6 months ago. Dr. JoRo said I looked tired. I told her, always. Which is why I was wearing my purple glasses tonight. To hide the dark circles under my eyes. Along with the red eyes, the tear filled eyes, the puffy eyes. Those purple glasses, can hide a lot.

I left Dr. JoRo to head back to check in with Katie. I sat in the parking lot before I left Dr. JoRo to gather my thoughts, first though. Then I had a mad texting freak out session with our favorite lovie. I think I wrote things like how lame and stupid it was that people think that because you died, I will go on to do amazing things. Like this is my job and purpose now, because you are dead. And who is the asshole that decided you had to DIE, for me to do these things?? I said things like if you had survived, I would have done even more amazing things. I wouldn’t have just been a mom, whose kid got cancer, who lucked out, and they survived, and then they just went on with their lives. I would have fought and fought and fought even harder, until a cure was found. With you here, on this earth, fighting with me. I think went on to say that this world is full of stupid, ignorant, and INCONSIDERATE, people everywhere and the next time I ran into one, I was going to punch them. And then I said I was going to move to Iceland. Alone. Where I don’t have to deal with asshole people who give you fake smiles, like they care. I have a radar for fake smiles, you know. And no tolerance for them.

I ended up getting talked down off the ledge. As always. The one person in my life, that can do this for me. I know you know why, Ro. You always have. But than I asked for a question to be answered. Because you know, my questions are always never-ending. I wanted our lovie to tell me why you had to die, for me to go on and fight this fucking fight. Our lovie told me, there would never be an answer for your death because it shouldn’t have happened. I sighed. A tear slid down my cheek. I know this. But I still struggle with this question, everyday. You know what I wish? That I were a really, really, stupid, ignorant person, who didn’t think about questions. Who just accepted answers. How blissful would it be to live a dumb life, because you just didn’t know any other way? Surely, it would be less painful? Not to question everything. So many questions that you are constantly feeling like you are trying to climb walls that don’t exist, only to never get to the top, and the walls leave your fingers bloody, shredded, black and blue. Fucking Bullshit.

It’s 11:11. I stared at the clock and said over and over again, ” I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I hope you know I love you. I hope you know I’m sorry. I hope you know I wish it were me. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am so, so, sorry for not saving you. I’m so sorry, I broke my promise to you.

And now I have to go, Ro. Because 6 months ago, at this time, we were cuddling up together while you were leaving this world. And I was listening to the sound of you breathing, while the oxygen blew next to your face. While Fernanda sang you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star but she didn’t know the words, so she had to Google them. Thank Ro, for fucking Google. Not God. Always Ro.

I love you. I’m sorry. I miss you so much that it feels like 6 years that we have been apart, not 6 months. I hope you are safe my little not spicy, monkey boy. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo

Advertisements

23 thoughts on “6 Mother Fucking Months? Fuck you, ASSHOLE CANCER

  1. Cathy Estrada

    Maya and Woody and the boys…..I send my love and prayers to you…..I know maybe no probably doesn’t help but not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t wish I could take a way your pain…..

  2. Glenda

    Maya,

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!!! Woody, Liam and Quinn.

    So not fucking fair!!! Fuck you fucking Cancer!

    Peace and strength
    XO

  3. Ali Barnes

    Thinking of you today and every other day. It’s bullshit that Ro isn’t here to fight this fight by your side where he belongs. It’s not fucking fair.

  4. Melissa Toney Vendt

    You are in my heart today and always…Ro, Woody, Liam and Quinn as well. I am terrible with dates, but yesterday…RO or the universe or whatever took me back to his final weeks in your blog and as I reread I cried and cried and cried some more….6 fucking months. I am beyond sorry Ro is not here to complete you and your family. Wishing upon every star that the fashion show is full of wild and free.

  5. Katie

    I wish I could say or do something to take the pain away. But I know there is nothing that will take the pain away. I am sending my love to you. I am sending my love to Ronan.

  6. Kim

    Maya, I have never met you…but my arms physically ache to hold you. I know that sounds weird, but I don’t care. I hate so much that you have to live without that precious amazing boy in your arms. I just feel like I need to hold you… I know it wouldn’t help one single bit. I have this vision of you, floating high above the earth and I see millions of hands/arms stretched out, holding you, trying to keep you from floating away. You are floating in space, but close to earth. We love you Maya, we love Ronan, we love your family. That is what I see from far away. I am sorry (sounds insignificant, but with ALL my heart I AM so so so very sorry) Peace to you beautiful mamma.

  7. Sue Brigman

    Maya, such a sad beyond belief post, but beautiful at the same time. Yesterday I gave your Mom her good-bye, travel safe tight hug. She is struggling also, but so much needs to hug & comfort her daughter, you. Please let her, and love & comfort her back. As our almost four year old granddaughter sings & writes, please “Let It Be”. Wish I could see the fashion show, but did ask your Mom to take photos. Please embrace each other and take/give a little comfort. Sue

  8. Laura

    I am so sorry you are in such pain. Your six month is one day before my fourteenth year, I feel your pain. Get through the fashion show, it will be truly special. You have created such an unbelievable heartfelt movement for children’s cancer, you should be proud of what all is going on. All our love thoughts and prayers go out to your entire family.

  9. Sue Brigman

    Why, Maya, why? What’s wrong with my comment? I love you and your entire family, although I’ve newer had the honor to meet Ronan and everyone else except your Mom & Jim. My only hope is that everyone will slowly start to heal as much as could be possible. Love, Sue

  10. erin

    Thinking of you little Ro and also thinking of your very special, wonderful, loving, amazing momma… today and everyday.

    Fuck cancer, it is bullshit.

  11. Torii Campbell

    Maya~ No one expects you to go and do wonderful things just because you lost a child to cancer.
    You want to know what I expect ? 🙂 I expect you to have a shitty days, I expect you to moarn the loss of your baby, I expect you to want and punch people until they hurt as bad as you, I expect you to be you and I expect you to teach Liam & Quinn that life is precious & that their parents love them.
    I expect you to know those things…..fuck everyone else ! This isn’t about them its about Woody, Liam, Quinn & YOU !
    Kisses and Hugs my old friend

  12. Jaime H.

    I love that C.S. Lewis quote, so true! And with every new picture you share of Ro I must say I feel sad all over again 😦 I am sorry Maya, truly, my heart goes out to you, my heart breaks for you, every day I say a prayer for you, much love to you today, xoxo

  13. Meshelle

    “Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.”-William Shakespheare

    Maya,
    I used to believe that you would do great things because of Ronan’s death. It wasn’t until I saw the quote above that I realized that you were already meant to change the world. Childhood cancer and the world never stood a chance so it took from you the only thing it could to try and stop you. Little did the world know all that would do was inspire you to a higher greatness than you would have alreay achieved. Take your time. Cry, scream at the top of your lungs, grieve for Ronan. For as much as the world will be darker without him in it, the world nevr got a chance to know what it was missing, to know the increadible awesomeness that is Ronan Thompson. We all see the beauty that you describe and yet none of us really knows what it’s like to lose him. You are his mother forever and always. Have an amazing time at the fashion show. I so wish that I could be there (stupid work). When you’re ready you have a whole army standing beside you ready to take childhood cancer down…..go big or go fucking home, right? You are my hero momma! Lots of love to you, woody, liam and quinn also.

  14. Katie

    I’m so very sorry Maya. No comment I make can ease your pain and suffering but my heart aches for you so badly. I hope to at least see you at the Fashion Show tomorrow, I’m sure I will, I hope I can introduce myself and give you a hug.

  15. Jennifer Ann

    Its just not fair Maya, its not fair you had to lose Ro and its not fair that any parent has to lose their child. I have no words to make any of the pain you feel go away, I sure wish It were that easy though. For what it matters I think you are doing an amazing job at living, you are so strong to be able to get up every day and live.

  16. Meghan

    Momma Maya, call me, we have alot to forking talk about! I want to support you and your cause and have a clever way to spread the word!

  17. becky

    “Do Not judge the grieving Mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing but she is dying. She may look young but inside she has become ancient. She smiles but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS but she is NOT, all at once. She is here but part of her is elsewhere for ETERNITY”
    ~Author Unknown
    I never have words for what I read on your blog, only tears. I am sorry that you and your family have to go through this. I have three little girls 10, 7 and 3 and they are my whole world! I cannot imagine life without them! Lots of love to you and your family!

  18. Susann, (Massachusetts)

    God Bless you and your sweet angel baby. There are no words to heal the pain but please know that your story has touched me. I am so sincerely sorry..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s