Bye Bye Little Sad House! We Have a New Home!

Ronan. Guess what? I had a good day. Another one of those crazy, good days where something so big happens, that I have seriously been jumping up and down all day long. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. This is why, I have been doing everything from our house. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. Our sad little house that leaves makes my skin crawl during the day because I miss you so much. I did not want to use our money, to rent an office space so I did the best with what we had, which was our house or one of the 5 Starbucks that I troll on a regular basis.That Starbucks music was about to make me slit my wrists. But now we have an office! And the people that work in this building, could not be lovelier! They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. They even have a COKE machine! Holla! (but don’t tell Poppy. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! They just handed me over a key, and voila! Welcome to our new home! I took Becca and Stacy there today. They both cannot believe this. Carolyn called me and left me a message that said something like, “This is the yellow brick road and you are Dorothy!” That make me smile so big. It just tells me, once again, what we are doing, is so right. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. Thank you, V and K. For being so kind and generous today. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. And maybe a little less sad. Watch out childhood cancer! I’m really going to kick your ass now! I promise to be the best little tenant ever.

I have been reading all of your comments today. I had forgotten about that story that happened while Woody and I were in a Nordstrom Rack in San Diego. The one where I was watching that little girl play in all the clothes racks. I was mesmerized by her. I had just lost you. I heard her mom call out her name. “Ireland!” I almost fell over. I went up to the mom. “What is your daughters’ name?” She just looked at me and said, “Ireland.” I smiled and said, “It’s beautiful.” That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. I wonder if that was a sign of what’s to come. I have a few more weeks before I will find out. Ireland Ronan. I think you would have loved that name. We shall see, right Ro baby. If this baby is a girl, I will fall over. I never thought I would have a girl, but have always felt like I was meant to have one. I will be just as happy if this is a boy, too. But oh, how much fun would a little baby girl be. My due date is April. I have a ways to go. I think I am starting to feel a little better and pie is still my best friend. Meat is still my enemy. So much so that I am wondering if I’ll become a vegetarian after this. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. I often give her crap about this. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. I used to love my meat, but now I think I know how she feels. I don’t my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. I’ll just stick with pie for now.

Your brothers have a basketball game tomorrow. They are at practice now. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. We don’t have many plans for the weekend. Most of our weekends are low key. A lot of time at home, which is still hard for me. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. I don’t understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. As in, this is exactly what they would be doing if you were here but you are not here, so how are we doing the exact same things? The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. I wonder if this will ever get easier. I often feel like after you died, we should have just up and moved to freaking Australia or somewhere crazy. So we would be doing all different things. I know that running away would not have solved my sadness, but living in the same house, without you is hard for me. It’s comforting to your daddy and brothers so this is why I stay here. I sacrifice myself, for them. Having my own office, is going to help so much. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers.

It’s late now. We went to dinner. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. I couldn’t take it. I tried my best. We are home now. I’m begging your daddy to go and get me a pie from the store. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. I’m tired. It’s been a long and busy day. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. Oh, how you loved that thing. Kind of broke my heart, to be in it, without you. Ronan, do you want to know the one question I get asked, all the time? It’s so funny. It’s the “Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes.” A lot of you, ask that in my comments. How do I even put into words, who he is? I could describe him in a thousand different ways. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. He is someone you loved so much. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. I know he is connected to your soul and you are to his. He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. He is quite simply probably one of the few reasons that I am still alive. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. Thank you for him. I thank you for him, every single day. Some things I like to keep private, like people’s real names. Same with our Fairy RoMo. I have to have some things I keep to myself. Those two, will always go by their nicknames.

I love you, my little seal. Ah, for those of you who have also been asking… the logo for Ronan’s Foundation is a little seal, because that is what his name means Irish and Gaelic. I love that so much. A little seal with the biggest eyes. So sweet. Goodnight baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Grief, Pregnancy and Pies

 

Ronan. I think I told you that I tried to “prep,” with Dr. JoRo about this whole getting pregnant thing. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. Nothing could have prepared me for what it is like to be pregnant, after losing you. I am a natural born mother. I am a good mother. The fact that I still don’t really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. I guess I wrote a lot about having another baby when you were still here. I know we talked about it, but I don’t remember all the things you told me. A lot of my blog readers have been posting that you said you wanted a baby sister. I don’t remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. Whatever this baby is, it will be loved. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. It will never fill the empty space in my heart that feels like a gaping hole. I can’t even begin to think about a nursery. All I know is we have 3 bedrooms in our house and yours will not be turned into a nursery. I’m not sure what we will do. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. I told your daddy he needs to build a new room for this baby because it’s not having yours. I cannot part with your toys, clothes, stuffed animals, books, blankets, pictures on the walls. I cannot take the things down from your room, only to fill them with something new. I cannot get rid of your bed and the Master Yoda that hangs above it. I won’t do it.

I am still pretty sick. The thought of any type of food, makes me nauseous, except pies. What in the hell is that all about? That’s all I want to eat. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie… yes please. Any type of meat makes me throw up. Any type of cooking smell, makes my stomach turn. I’ve been living off of pie. So weird, but I’ll take it. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. Bring on the pies now. I’ll enjoy them while I can:) I was productive yesterday. Of course this left me wiped out so I had to come home and take a bloody nap. I was going through some emails. I had been going back and forth with your Sparkly on some things. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. He told me he thought I was being a little harsh. This led to me sending him an email back saying in no way, shape or form, was I too harsh. This led to him calling my phone. We had a little debate that  I took a stance on and refused to back down. You know how he loves to play devils advocate with me. Not because he thinks I am wrong, but I think he likes to provoke me into thinking long and hard about things from every angle, before I take such a strong stance. This is one of the things that I love most about him. The way he makes me exam everything that comes my way, with a magnifying glass. This led to me bawling on the phone. “You didn’t see everything he went through, but you saw more than most people. I won’t tell you everything they did to him, because I feel like I have to protect you. I know how much your heart is broken. Why would I want to break it anymore? Yes, it was barbaric. Yes, it is wrong. These are kids. They deserve more compassionate treatments. I lived in this world. I saw things that you don’t even know about. Someday, I will tell you.” I sobbed into the phone. “Darling. It’s o.k. You are right. You are so right. You don’t have anything to prove to me, o.k. He deserved better. You know you have my utmost respect, always. Come on, settle down. When do you leave for New York? Tell me about your trip.” I wiped away my tears and appreciated the way he tried to change the subject. We talked about New York for a bit. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. I still feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome over the things we went through. I will not ever forget the way you were treated like a lab rat by supposedly one of the best doctors in the world. What a fucking joke.

I have tried to be as productive as possible. I had a long board meeting last night. As always, it was good. I love our little unconventional board. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. There is a lot of business to attend to, but that never gets in the way of the love and laughter that fills our house while those girls are here. That means everything to me. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. Let the strategizing, begin…

Sooooooo… New York!!! I leave soon. I have some serious business to attend to! I’m so excited. Stacy is coming with me. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. She will be great to have along with me to help with the business things that we are dealing with. We are also going to meet up with my friend, Scott Kennedy, from Solving Kids’ Cancer, another really great organization that is based out of New York. We will spend some time with our Fairy RoMo which is the thing I am most excited about. NYC with our Fairy RoMo is my paradise. It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. All fueled by everything Ronan. My favorite kind of trip. The only one’s I feel comfortable taking. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit… I know great things will come from this trip.

A lot of you little blog readers have asked why I am calling this baby Poppy for now. It’s because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. I thought that name sounded cute, so that is why. It won’t be the real name for the baby. We have had those picked out for a long time. Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. We think we have our boy name too. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. That is important to our family. We have all agreed on that. Anything else I need to address tonight?? Your questions are sweet. I love reading all of your comments. Thanks for writing them.

I think this is all for tonight, Ronan. I miss you so much. I watched your daddy come home from work today. I was laying in bed.(still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. Watching him do this, I felt like I was sucker punched. His keys, our son, on our dresser. It is just all so wrong. You should not be sitting there. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. I’m sorry for everything. I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe.

xoxo

All good things are wild and free, right Ro???