A very Katie Couric pity party kind of day

Ronan. I guess I had kind of a pity party of a day. I started off the day by throwing up all over our hallway early this morning in front of your brothers. Awesomeness. They were both so impressed. I did go to my office. Where the nicest people in the world work. I’m not even exaggerating. What kind of office is filled with laughter, kindness and love all the time? What kind of office has the sweetest girls, peaking in to bring you a water, lunch, snacks and my favorite, Vita Coco? My office. I am so thankful for this new little home. I get a lot done there. Much more there than from our sad little house. I was productive today but also greatly distracted. My phone and emails were blowing up due to the Katie Show that was happening today. It aired on the East Coast first. My twitter soon started blowing up with the kindest tweets ever. I love my little twitter family. I went into lockdown mode and decided I was not ready to watch it when it aired in Phoenix. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called me. “Where are you watching this?” I told him I was not. “I am living this. I do not need to watch this. I’m sick to my stomach. I’ve been throwing up all morning.” “You should not still be throwing up this late in your pregnancy,” he said. I told him the obvious reason why, “I’m allergic to my house.” This sent him into those famous chuckles of his. “You are so cute. Allergic to you house. You are too much.” See Ro, everyone thinks I am being overly dramatic. Hello! I am not sticking my fingers down my throat to make myself puke. The puking is happening totally on it’s own and I don’t think Poppy has anything to do with it anymore. I don’t know what it is going to take for everyone to start believing me.

I got some work done and popped by our Mr. Sparkly Eyes office. We sat for a long time talking about everything and anything. I told him all about New York and how wonderful it was to be there with my girlfriends. How it was such a great little bonding trip for us. I told him all about Taylor and all the sweet things we talked about. I basically caught him up on our entire trip. We talked about that little secret thing I am working on. He gave me his best fatherly advice on it, asking a couple things of me. I told him I would listen and remember. “You are a remarkable woman and I am so proud of you. Actually, you are a remarkable child.” I huffed and puffed. “Stop calling me a child. I am a grown adult.” He told me I was a child and to stop arguing with him about it. I rolled my eyes at him instead. He listened to me talk about some more things and said to me, “You are so sad today. Why are so sad today?” I told him, “Because I just want Ronan here. I don’t want to be on the Katie Couric show because he is dead. I just want Ro back.” “I understand. I know. I’m so sorry.” he mumbled. He watched me spin around in his office chair while staring at pictures of you on his bulletin board and watched as my face turned from that look of, I am o.k., to I am really not o.k. “I don’t know how to help you or what to do.” I looked up at him. “You can’t help me. But you have helped me more than anyone else.” His eyes fell to the floor. “Why? How?” I couldn’t tell him how or why right then and there because I knew if I did, I would have ended up in a puddle in the middle of his floor. I didn’t feel like going there as I was hardly holding it together, as it was. I avoided his question and his eyes full of tears. I ended up telling him later. “Because of your voice of reason, your never judging me, your advice, opinions, and honesty. Because you love him so much and I can see the way he’s changed you. Because you have been my best friend throughout all of this and never went away, even during the worst of times. You never gave up on him or me. Because of the way you believe in me so much, even when you know I am bat shit crazy. I could go on and on. Because you saved my life.” Your Sparkly knows all of this and I know he does not give himself the credit he deserves. You know what he told me? That he is lucky to have me as his daughter. I am the lucky one, Ronan. Truly.

I came home to our house. Your daddy was already home. Your brothers were gone with Mimi and Papa. I plopped down on the couch. Your daddy was watching T.V. like a normal person. I started freaking out, like an insane person. “How can you sit here and act like everything is the same, in our same house, doing all the same things that we used to do with Ronan when nothing is the same anymore!?” He was just freaking watching baseball. I don’t know what I expect. Sometimes I have berserk fantasies about uprooting everyone to somewhere completely different. I mean, it just feels wrong to me to sit here and do all the things we always used to do. Your daddy was quick to point out why my blubbering madness didn’t even make sense. I just sat and listened to him while the tears poured down my cheeks. I then got up and threw myself in your bed like a child having a temper tantrum and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I’ve been in your little bed, all night long. Your daddy came to check on me. He rubbed my back. “Do you need anything?” I told him no. He said, “I know, you don’t need anything or anyone. You can do this all on your own, right?” I told him, “Absolutely.” He then goes, “Well, we all still love you anyway. Tough ass.” I ignored his funny comment because I was too busy drowning in my tears that soaked your bed.

I ended up watching my interview on Katie Couric while in your bed. Alone. That’s how I wanted to see it. I thought they did a beautiful job of putting it together. Of course I am kicking myself for not saying the 50 other things that I wanted to say. Like how my last words to you were also, ” I love you so much. You are my best friend. I’m so sorry. I promise to fix this for you. I promise to make you proud. Please don’t go away. Please don’t ever leave me. Please, I am so scared. Please somebody save him. Please somebody take me instead. Please Ronan, I can’t live without you.” I also wished I would have freaked out and talked about how fucking fucked up it is that childhood cancer is so ignored. How nobody cares. How is it acceptable that childhood cancers is the least funded out of all the cancers. Why doesn’t the whole world know that the GOLD RIBBON is for childhood cancer and SEPTEMBER is CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. WHY ISN’T THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER GOLD EVERYWHERE? Why has only 1 new pediatric drug for childhood cancer been approved in the past 25 years? WHY DID RONAN AND SO MANY OTHERS HAVE TO DIE BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF AWARENESS AND FUNDING? WHY ISN’T CHILDHOOD CANCER AT THE TOP OF OUR PRIORITY LIST? Because if it were, my Ronan might still be here. I guess I can save that for another time, right Ro? I did the very best I could and I am so very thankful for the awareness that I know our show will bring. I’ll get off my soapbox now.

I’m going to go now baby doll, before I start to freak out once again. If I were not pregnant, I would be doing a very dangerous night hike right now. Poppy is keeping me from throwing myself off the side of a cliff. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. And I wish you were not gone from me or in a better place. There is NO better place in the world then with me. I am so very sorry. G’nite little man.

xoxo

Ring Ring! It’s The Katie Couric Show!

Ronan. Hi. I miss you like crazy. Do you know what I was thinking about today? That I think I think about you, 24 hours a day. I think about you with every single thing that I do. Whether it be watching your brothers, seeing the pain behind your daddy’s eyes, brushing my teeth, driving my car, doing the laundry, working non-stop on your foundation. You are never gone from my thoughts. You never will be. You are the reason so many things are happening. You are the reason I have not given up. You are the reason I have not just buried this all deep down inside of me, never to be talked about again. Your daddy said that to me tonight. That some people think we should just bury this all deep down inside because it is too sad to continue living this life where all we do is miss you so badly. That we should just move on. I just looked at him and said, “Yeah, bury Ronan deep down and not ever talk about him or this again. That’s exactly why this fucking bullshit never changes and that is exactly why kids are still dying. That is fucking bullshit.” I will never bury you, Ronan. I will never bury you which is a big reason why I didn’t put you in the ground. I could not stand the thought of having your “body,” anywhere but with us. I know better than anyone, how sad and hard all of this is. How sad and hard it looks to the outside world. But I think it would be even more sad if after you died, I just decided to walk away and forget about everything that we you had been through. You deserve better than that. These kids deserve better than that. You are too beautiful of a soul to ever be forgotten. You are going to be the reason that things start to change. I always knew you were going to be the poster child for something, because you were that beautiful. In my naïve mind, I just always thought you would be a model for GAP Kids or something. Not because you were murdered by cancer.

I got a phone call yesterday. Another one of those phone calls that just happens and no matter what the news is, I always feel myself remain so calm. I know I am calm by nature, but you’d think I’d start flipping out a little bit by now. Maybe it’s also just my intuition. That I know the most amazing things are just going to happen and I have seriously felt like this one, was going to end up happening for a while. Let me back up a little bit, to one of my “one of those signs,” stories. Last year, remember when I jumped ship and just out of the blue said to your daddy, “I need to leave. I need to go to New York for a while. By myself.” He went back and forth with me a bit, but was totally supportive. I went to New York. The city the makes me feel the strongest. The city that makes me feel closest to you. The city that brought me back to life. I had the most amazing time by myself. I spent it walking the streets. Running Central Park during crazy midnight hours. Visiting shops. Eating at our Fo Yo place. Reading. Spending time with our Fairy RoMo. I found a bit of myself again in that city. Your daddy came out for the last few days. It was around 4:00 p.m. and we were walking the streets close to where we were staying. The most adorable lady came walking past us, looked us both dead in the eye and gave us the warmest smile. I mean so warm, that it could have melted butter. I looked at your daddy. I said, “That was Katie Couric!” He said, “It totally was.” I turned around. “I’m going to give her one of Ronan’s bracelets! She needs to know about him!” I started walking the direction Katie was headed, just in time to see her go into a small shoe store. I hesitated. O.k. Wasn’t meant to be. I thought to myself, “There is NO way, I am going to chase that lady into a shoe store.” So, I didn’t. I just let her dazzling smile and kind eyes, be enough. That was such a profound moment for me and always stuck out in my head. Fast forward to Tuesday. I got a phone call. I called the number back. I got Katie’s assistant who told me that Katie had heard about our story, and would love to have me on her show. I, of course said I would be honored. I cannot think of a better person, that I would like to sit down and talk to. I am so honored. So beyond honored. Remember how I said I wouldn’t stop screaming about you, until people started listening Ronan? I promised you that. I think people are starting to listen, now. I think this world of childhood cancer, is finally going to start getting the attention it so very badly deserves. I think a girl named Taylor is a big reason of why this is all happening. All because of her huge heart and her old soul. She is pure magic and I will forever be so thankful for the most beautiful gift from the most beautiful girl.

Today, I worked on some details for the show. I’ll tell you more about it, when I find out some more things. Today, I took your brothers on a play date as they didn’t have school. It was a district holiday, but really it was for Yom Kippur. But you know in public schools, you can’t say that. Because that makes perfect sense. NOT. Kinda goes along with the same way they cannot call Halloween, Halloween anymore. So ridiculously stupid. So today, it being a “district holiday,” we had a play date with my good friend, Melissa and her kids. My good friend, Melissa that has stood by me through all of this and never went anywhere. My good friend that never judged me, hurt me, left me, or pushed me. She loves you so much. I remember how much you used to love the sound her phone made. That little chirping noise when she got a voicemail or something. I remember how many times she sat at the clinic with us and helped out with you. You want to know the thing I love most about Melissa? That through all the good things that are happening, she never forgets the you part in all of this. Through all of her smiles with everything good that is coming our way, I still see her sadness over the fact that you are gone. She doesn’t hide the and she ALWAYS talks about it. What you see is what you get. I love that so much. She is so genuine and so true. I am so lucky to have found her at one of the worst time of my life, right when you were diagnosed. I am so thankful she is still here.

We played today and on our way home I said to your brothers, “Oh god. I’m going to puke.” Your brothers started to scramble. “Here Mom! Here’s a Trader Joe’s bag!” They passed it to me in the front seat, just in time. It’s only looking back now, that I am laughing at myself. I could have at least pulled over, but no… not me. I puked my guts out in that Trader Joe’s bag, while continuing to drive us down our quiet road close to our house. I’m such a muli-tasker. The rest of the night has consisted of me, throwing up. I thought I was getting past this point of grossness, but today, I feel sicker than ever. Fun times, I tell ya. This better clear up, before Katie. I would not like to puke in a bag on national television. Come on, Poppy. Work with me a little.

Alright little man. I’m going to rest my weary head. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

P.S. Ronan. Tomorrow is Fernanda’s Birthday. You know what to do. Make sure she has the most special day. Make sure she feels you everywhere. Happy Birthday to my most special friend. I love you.