Apple pies and middle fingers

Ronan. I wonder if I’ll ever have a night where I don’t cry myself to sleep about you. It doesn’t matter if I have the best day possible. I always end it the same way, by crying myself to sleep. Or not sleeping so I just sit and cry and beg for sleep which never comes. It came last night, oddly enough. It’s been 3 nights straight that I have not had to take anything to sleep. I’ve been dreaming really vividly. It’s always the same thing. You are dead. Everybody knows it and is talking about it around me. I never get to see you. Your favorite lovie is always in my dreams…. like Master Yoda. Except this morning I woke up thinking he had died to which sent me into a total panick. I grabbed my phone and sent some crazy text message blabbing about my dream, you know making sure he was still alive. He was. Thank you, Ro.

Today was a pretty good day. Except I have Liam home not feeling well. He is the BEST little sick kid ever. No complaining, no whining, he’s just quiet and content. It felt nice to take care of him. He is so thankful for everything he has. Even without you, Ro. He is so thankful, sweet and kind. He is so happy just to be alive and healthy. You have made him appreciate everything so much more. I don’t know how it is possible to have such kind, well-adjusted brothers after losing you. But they are. It is bittersweet but it gives me one less thing to worry about for now. So I will be thankful for that.

I had a lot of busy work to get done today. I had my friend, Tanya, come over to help me with your new website. For your foundation, not the blog. It’s going to be Romazing. I cannot wait to get it up and running as we are adding a lot of great things to it. I also had one of my lovely little board members over to do some things are our new kick ass intern, Rissy. She’s a student as ASU and is such a doll. I am so excited and grateful to have her help. We need it badly as so many things seem to be happening with your foundation that I can’t keep up. It’s amazing all the really, really good people in the world. They make all the really, really bad people just go away. But you know what the funny thing is? All the haters that come on here, hide behind their computers, and write mean things…. they make me laugh. Like really laugh. Because the things they say are so absurd. It only adds more fuel to my fire, and motivates me in a way that I did not think was possible. In a way that I know that good will prevail over evil. It’s a Rovolution, baby. Because all good things are wild and free.

Here of some examples of why I know things are going to change in the name of childhood cancer and all things good in the word. Because of the thousands of emails I get a day, from people begging to help. Telling me they are so thankful for what they have. That their eyes have been opened up from the ungrateful slumber that they lived in before. Even though they have never been touched by childhood cancer, they don’t care. They are such amazing, kind people that they are not going to sit back, read this story, and do nothing. That is inspiring to me. That moves me. It is one of the biggest reasons that I get out of bed everyday and continue to march forward.

And then there are things like this: A friend. A new friend. A new friend who has been quietly sitting behind the scenes until a few weeks ago when we met up for some dinner and it has been a love affair fueled by endless amounts of chips, salsa, mexican cokes, and all things you. A new friend that sends me an email saying she just got a really insane kick ass job offer and was offered a huge salary, but she is thinking about passing on it. I tell her I’m so excited for her and she tells me that I am missing her point. With a huge salary comes a lot of hours. She says she is going to pass on this huge job offer because she pretty much thinks I am serious about kicking cancers ass and she wants to be able to continue to help me. Because she gets that there is more to life and she fully believes that I am going to makes a lot of shit happen. I told her, do not pass because of me!!! She told me this:

“Because of you. Because of Ronan. Because of kids who need a voice. Because I always fight for the underdog. Because yes, you are fucking inspiring whether you want to be or not.”

Do you want to know what else she told me? That she is afraid I am too kind for this world. I tried to argue and told her to fuck off! That I am not. I am a mean, badass who uses my middle finger 100 times a day, swears constantly while thinking of how I can destroy the world with all of my anger! But that was a lie and she knows it. Truth is, I don’t really swear much in real life and when I do, it’s probably while baking an apple pie while trying to figure out how I can use this anger for good, not evil. Damn it. I wish I could be a little more mean. I guess that is what all this venting is for, on here. Because it is on here that I can get my meanness out. I guess it is better to hash it out on here, then to hash it out in the real world by starting the imaginary bar fights that I think would be so badass. If I were that type of girl. But I’m not and never have been. I’ll just continue to bake my apple fucking pies I guess.

I am inspiring? I am inspiring. She is inspiring. That little Dragon of hers is inspiring. This really good world around me, is inspiring. Your fairy RoMo is inspiring. You are inspiring. You are inspiring, these really, really good people who are going to make such a difference in this world. You know who else is really inspiring? That Taylor Swift friend of yours. TAYLOR!!!! I have been meaning to write you a little letter. I have not forgotten about you and the kindness of your heart. I have not forgotten about that night at your concert when you looked me in the eyes, tears pouring down your face, and told me how sorry you were about Ronan. You didn’t even care that you were messing up your make-up. I have a confession to make, Miss T. I had my reservations about you. Because sometimes I can be a skeptic and sometimes the world of celebs seems so jaded and misguided. I kind of thought you might be too good to be true. I am happy to say that I was wrong and I am so glad about that. I heard what you are doing for Kevin. I hear about these things you are doing for these brave kids. I secretly think it all started because of Ro. Not your good heart as that has always been in you. But the kindness you are showing for these kids who deserve it most in this world. How I so wished Ronan would have had the chance to meet you. But I know he is guiding you in the way he is guiding me. I know you won’t ever forget the most beautiful little boy, as you called him. He is hard to forget, even for someone like you. Thank you for not forgetting him. It means the world to me. I will continue to watch you, love you and be inspired by someone like you. I am so proud of you.
Alright little Ro. I’ve gotta go. I’m so sleepy. I love you. I miss you. I promise to continue to do good things, for you. I hope you are safe. I am so sorry you are not here.
P.S. Hellllloooo lovies! Just wanted to let you know that there is the most AWESOME page on Facebook that I think you should all like. It’s called F U cancer and I have no idea who created it;) but it is that awesome, so I think you should check it out and spread the word. It’s funny. It’s witty. It’s inspiring. It’s totally offensive to the people who are offended by the FUCK word, so if that’s the case, you should not check it out. But if you are not offended by the fuck word, because you are smart and think cancer is more offensive…. you need to *like* the page. I promise it will keep you giggling. And they are doing some really great things on it. Thank you! Have a lovely night!
Here is the link!

12 responses to “Apple pies and middle fingers”

  1. I don’t think this is something you can ever get over. I think of you often and imagine how difficult it must be. He was just beautiful. Beautiful.
    It’s not fair.

  2. FUCK all the haters. You cure cancer and they will eat their words.

  3. Maya,

    You are inspiring… raw and real.
    I follow FUC!!! 🙂
    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro! Always Ro! xo
    I ❤ TS 🙂
    Peace & strength RoMama!

  4. Which FU Cancer page are you talking about. I searched it and there are many that came up. Help?

    1. Just put link in at bottom:)

      1. Thank you! You (also) ROCK!

  5. the negative comments just make me so sad for those people that are missing the BIG picture. Thank you for never backing down and for sharing your ups and downs. and Yes, you ARE inspiring!

  6. Maya,
    I just want you to know that you inspire me. You really, really do. I hate that this happened to Ro and your family, but I love the kick ass things that you’re doing to show that this is NOT okay. I’ve been following your blog since November. I’ve read all of your posts and even have your updates sent to my phone (I’m not a creep…I promise!) While most kids are sleeping on the school bus in the morning, I’m reading your posts and thinking of how things are going to change. I originally found your blog when I was searching for Taylor Swift. I absolutely love that girl to pieces, she really is amazing. I’m so glad that she indirectly led me to you & Ro. She’s also led me to Brooke’s Blossoms, which I’m also now a super fan of. You guys have made me want to become a better person. I’m only 16, but I know that if I start now, I have plenty of time to change things. This excites me and frustrates me at the same time. I’m super anxious to help, but it sickens me to see how many people just don’t care. If a teenager can understand this, surely everyone else should be able to…right? That’s just not how things are though. I’ve tried to start fundraisers at my school for pediatric cancer numerous times and I keep getting turned down. Why? Because they already support for stupid Relay for Life. Umm, no thanks. Don’t worry, I’ve told people about that whole thing. I believe in you and Ro with everything I have. I know this because tears wouldn’t be streaming down my face if I didn’t…I am not a crier at all.
    I’m not really sure what this post says, or if it even makes sense but I just hope that you know that you really are an inspiration.

  7. I LOVE the FU Cancer page…it totally cracks me up! Everyone should join it!

    I had to go to Washington for a quick trip, and so wanted to find your Moms store! We just ran out of time..we’re from the Chehalis area. I did hand out one of your Fuck You Cancer bracelets!…Now I just need to get more!

    You and Ro..and all the other little ones fighting for their lives are always on my mind! You are changing things in a very BIG way!

    Hugs girl!


  8. Love the new page. Will look out for the link to the new website. You and Ronan are inspiring in so many ways. Fuck you cancer!

  9. I’m glad you’re not mean, Maya! Don’t ever change xo

  10. The tag “Apple pies and middle fingers” made me spit my drink out. I know you don’t do this for us, but amongst the pain and heartache, you have the ability to brighten others’ days and sometimes even make us chuckle (or spray water on the monitor). I’m not meaning to disregard or make light, but want you to know that you have a gift to bring out the laughter and joy inside this clusterfuck.

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