Ronan. I had a whole big post written out last night and I don’t know what I did, but poof! It disappeared and I could not recover it. Dang it! It was a good one too. I’m going to write a new little post as it’s early in the morning and I can’t sleep. I’ll tell you about yesterday. About how in this new life, how something as simple as being around certain people, makes me feel closer to you. How being around certain people, make me feel happy and it’s not anything I can explain. Your Fairy RoMother is in town and I got to spend much of the day with her yesterday. I hijacked her and took her to one of your favorite restaurants were we gorged ourselves on chips, salsa, tacos, mexican cokes for a couple of hours while we continued our evil plot to take over the world. Or at least the kids are dying/getting cancer and nobody gives a fuck world. We sat outside, enjoyed the warm breezy weather and to get caught up on all the little life things that have gone on. Your favorite lovie stopped by. I had told him a couple of days prior that Kath was coming into town and if he wanted to meet one of the most amazing souls on the planet, now was his chance. He jumped at the opportunity and stopped by just to meet her. It was so sweet. It could have been one of my top 5 favorite days ever, since losing you just due to the company alone. After we had way too many tacos, chips and salsa, we returned back to our house where your Fairly RoMother had the chance to say hello to your daddy and meet your brothers. I was so happy she was able to meet them and see your daddy. It made for a pretty perfect ending to a pretty perfect day.
I spent the rest of the evening doing what I normally do. I waited for the sun to go down before I slipped out for a run. You should have heard the things going on in my head last night while I was getting ready for my run. “Oh, you can’t go yet…. it’s still a little light outside. It’s still too bright.” What the hell is wrong with me? It’s as if I truly think I am a part of the Cullen Family from the Twilight movie and if I go out into the sun, bad things will happen. Sometimes I truly do feel if I spent too much time outside in this bright world, that I am going to explode. Do you know there is an official phobia of this? Fear of the sun? There is. It’s called Hellenologophobia and I think I have it. I think I have it and I live in Arizona. Lovely. After I returned from my dark run of the night, I spent the rest of the evening with your brothers while your daddy slipped out for a few hours. I cuddled up with those brothers of yours and watched a movie. We all fell asleep in our bed. I fell asleep for about 2 hours, Quinn fell asleep in bed next to me, and Liam was cuddled up in the bed I had made for him on the floor. He likes to sleep in our room a lot now and we are o.k. with this. It’s comforting to your brothers, so sometimes we have big slumber parties in our room. Your brothers love this and I’m going to embrace this for as long as possible because I know it won’t last forever.
So, I knew this was going to happen when I wrote my last little blog post and said something about telling Quinn he was not allowed to complain about stupid shorts, because Ben died and we are not allowed to complain about silly things in life anymore. I knew I was opening Pandora’s box with this little tid bit. It’s amazing, what people just assume due to reading what I write. It’s amazing how people are so quick to judge and put such hurtful things out there with their opinions/advice/words. I got a lot of, “It is not Liam and Quinn’s job to change the world! Stop putting so much pressure on them! Let them be kids! Save them from this evil life you are creating!” I would just like to say this. Dear OUTSIDE READERS WHO JUDGE AND DO NOT TRULY KNOW OUR FAMILY, shut it. It is NOT your place to come in here and judge my parenting skills. My parenting skills are not up for negotiations or up on the chopping block. I am a good mom. Despite how harsh the words I write on here sometimes seem to be, it is only because I am THAT hard on myself. I am a good mom. Woody is the BEST dad. And Liam and Quinn are the most amazing little boys, even after going through something like this. Do we live our life differently from most families? I have no clue, because I don’t sit around comparing ourselves to others. I know how we do things, how we have always done things, and it is not much different now, then before losing Ronan. We have always been very open about everything that is going on. We don’t hide things. We expect a lot from Liam and Quinn, while letting them be kids. They have always been aware of the sadness that exists in the world. They have always been aware of the pain that exists. I think I’ve said this before, but I had to stop watching the nightly news in front of Quinn at the age of 2 and a half because he would become so concerned with what was going on, why people would hurt others, and he would always want to know how he could fix them. I don’t know if it is a nature or nurture thing with Liam and Quinn, but they are both two of the most compassionate/wise souls I have ever known. Ronan was this way too. I don’t know why or how, but I am sure the way we live our lives has a lot to do with it too. By being super open, honest, loving and kind. So, sending them off to school with “Ben died so stop complaining,” may seem shocking to some, but it’s not to us. Their baby brother died. With this comes the lesson that EVERY SINGLE DAY is precious. And we are not going to waste it by complaining by silly things that just do not matter, when there are real problems in the world to complain about. It was just me, having a pure, honest moment with my boys. They both know about Ben. We have talked about it in-depth and we do not make death a scary thing that hangs over our heads in our house. We don’t obsess over it. We don’t dwell on it. We are teaching our boys that yes, this awful thing happened, but we are a strong family and Ronan would be so proud of us for continuing to live life by being happy and being a family. I don’t think I’ve ever said I need Liam or Quinn to change the world. That’s what I have Ronan for. I don’t ever think I’ve said that Liam and Quinn will spend the rest of their lives, going on this cancer crusade with me. This is my job, not anyone else’s. I don’t care what they do, as long as they are kind to others and do whatever it is, that THEY CHOOSE to do, they do it with passion and by trying their hardest. I don’t think this is such a bad thing to expect. I do not think my little boys, feel like Ronan is this bigger person, who they live in the shadow of because he is that HOLY and MIGHTY. He was their little brother. He died. We are all sad about that but in no way, shape or form would we hold that over our twins’ heads. Do you know how I send my twins off to school, everyday when I drop them off? I tell them this. “Please try your hardest today. Please help others. Please be kind. But don’t take any crap from anyone. I love you. Have the best day ever.” This is our motto in our family: Be kind but don’t take anyone’s shit. Stand up for yourself but don’t hurt others. Help others when you are in a position to do so. Be strong and brave and try your hardest. Do your best. Make mistakes. Learn from them. Be proud of who you are. It’s pretty simple stuff, really. There is no need for the opinions and advice from outsiders on this subject. I have Woody who is my insane voice of reason. He walks on water and the fact that he told our boys the other night, “Your mom is going to change the world, we are so lucky to have her,” is all the reassurance that I need. Woody believes in me. Liam and Quinn believe in me. They support me. I support them. We support each other. They all bring me back to reality when I am beating myself up which I do a lot of. They remind me that I am doing alright. The proof is in the pudding. Liam and Quinn are excelling at everything they are doing. Grades, school, sports, and just being kids like every 8-year-old should get to be. They just now get to be 8 year olds, who lost their little brother, but it will never define them. It will never be who they are, but it will always be a part of them. So, that’s my rant for the morning. And I think I even did it without saying the fuck word which is just not right. So fucking fuck. Liam and Quinn are just fine. But if you want to “save them,” just bring Ronan back. I mean really, that’s all it would take. If you can’t do that, then shut it. Mind your own business and stop judging me by words that you read. It’s not o.k. to just assume things and put your own experiences on other people’s lives. If I were off shooting heroin, drinking myself into a black hole, then maybe it would be o.k. to say your peace. But I’m not. Not even close. I am at home, every single night with my family. I use this blog as my outlet to say things that I feel and to vent because I hold so much back during the day when I am in mommy/wife/responsiblity world. These are my words and if you don’t like them, that is your problem. Do not try to make it mine.
That’s all for this morning little bug. I miss you and I am trying everyday to figure this new life out. It is sad, scary, dark and not fun. But the glimpses of light that shine through every once in awhile make me smile. They remind me that you would want me to keep going, to keep trying, to keep living. As painful as it is at times, I know I don’t have a choice. I will not waste my life and give up. I live for you. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe.