Snow Falling in Flagstaff


Ronan. Guilt is what I feel at this time, in this moment. For living this life, without you here. For the smiles that I’ve smiled, for the laugher I’ve done, for the love I’ve given to your brothers. Guilt for going on when you know, all I want to do is be with you. I wonder if the reason you insisted on being with me, almost every second of every day of the almost 4 years that I had you, is because you knew you wouldn’t be able to stay with me forever. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. I wonder if you are as sad as I am because we are apart. I think that you are and it kills me that there is nothing that I can do about it. I can’t wipe your tears, hold you close and tell you that everything is going to be alright. I can’t promise you that I’ll never let anything happen to you, because it did. The worst possible thing that could have happened, did. And I will never stop being sorry for that. It is so unfair that the four of us are left here and you are gone. I constantly feel like I have forgotten you somewhere. I am constantly looking over my shoulder for you to come running around the corner. I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking for you.

I have been struggling with my sleep so much. The devil, Ambien has been in and out of my life since you were diagnosed. I try not to take it, but I’ve had a solid 3 weeks where I have taken it almost every night. Dr. Jo told me to try Valerian Root last week. She told me she takes 2 of those and she is out cold. So, I took 4 a few nights ago and nothing. I ended up taking my Ambien instead. I haven’t taken my Ambien for 3 nights in a row now. It has been horrific. The first night I fell asleep in our bed, with your daddy. I was in and out of sleep the entire night. I felt like my body was on fire. I had the most awful nightmares. I was watching myself scream your name, knowing that you were dead, but nobody could hear me or help me. Sounds like my real life. When I take Ambien, it puts me into such a heavy sleep, that I don’t dream at all. When I don’t take it, I toss and turn all night long, only to dream the most awful things. So what’s worse? I don’t know as they both seem bad. I know that I don’t want to rely on something to sleep so I am going to try to continue to tough this out. And if I need a break every once in a while, for now, it is o.k. Dr. Jo is trying to get me to meditate before bed or to try some yoga. It’s worth a shot, right??

We spent the weekend up in Flagstaff. It was another 3 day weekend and staying home just didn’t seem like an option. We tend to go stir crazy without you around. It’s like everyone is trying to overcompensate for the fact that you are not here. We headed up on Saturday and spent a couple of days enjoying the cooler weather and lazy days. Your daddy was actually able to relax. I tried too but it was hard to be up there for the first time, without you. I had a moment where I was walking into the living room and Liam was sitting down at the table on the floor. The top of his head, looked so much like the color of your hair, that I thought it was you. It was like I had the wind knocked out of me when I realized it was not. Your brothers were so kind to each other this weekend. They are such good boys. They didn’t fight at all, which seems so rare these days. I watched them as they played together, took care of each other, and helped out with a lot of the things we asked of them. We all snuggled on the couch and watched some movies, your daddy took them on an Arctic Cat ride, I took a long nap with Quinn, which I never do anymore. I snuggled up to him and let him remind me of you and the way we loved to take our naps together. Your brothers were extra sweet to me this weekend. I think they could tell I was sad about having to be without you, doing our normal family things that we loved to do. It snowed up in Flagstaff last night. I watched the snowflakes fall with tears in my eyes. You would have gone crazy over it and made me take you out in the middle of the night to play in it. I would have without hesitation.

It’s going to take a lot to heal us all. We all have some good ideas, of some things that can help. We are all being very open about our sadness and we talk about you all the time. But we are a different family now as we are all different people. Even your brothers. I keep wanting to write your little brothers. As if I feel that you were older then they are. I guess due to everything you went through and how strong you were about it all. I guess due to the fact that I now feel like you are older than them and you are the one watching out for them and protecting them. And the wisdom that you always had as you were so much wiser than your almost 4 years old of age. I always knew this about you. You truly were a gift to us all.

I have a busy week as I am leaving for New York soon. My solo trip that is much needed. I need some time to go back to our favorite city where I can just be for a little while. Some plans are falling into place which I am loving. I planned this trip without having anything to do but some very nice things are coming about. I am excited for the little adventure we are going to have together as I know you will be with me, the entire time.

Alright little man. I love you so much. I hope you are safe. I miss you so very much.

xoxo

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12 thoughts on “Snow Falling in Flagstaff

  1. Cathy Estrada

    You still take my breathe away and cry a lil everytime I read your blog…..I hope that you enjoy your trip. You remind me to enjoy the small things and I hope peace finds it way to you all.

  2. Nicole

    So beautifully written from your heart. So real and so sad. This is bullshit that any of you have to live this. Only you know what’s right for you. We’re behind you. Keep fighting!

  3. Glenda

    Maya,

    So glad you and the bots got away.
    Today I was driving and the car in front of me had plates that said “Rockstar”. I thought of Ro! Always Ro!! I then went to target and saw all the monkey items. I thought of Ro again. I drove passed PCH. Ronan was everywhere today. I thought if you!!! 😦

    I hope going to NYC it’s everything you expect it to be. My old stomping grounds. ❤ NYC.

    Peace and strength mama
    XO

  4. Sara Maurer

    Always thinking of you…..so glad you got away. The pictures in Flagstaff are so beautiful!

    I’m excited to hear about how your NY trip goes! I have a great feeling about it!

    I hope you get some peaceful sleep soon.

    Hugs!

    Sara

  5. Jaime H.

    I was glad to hear you say you are excited about New York! EXCITED about something! I hope you have an awesome trip. Love the Flag. family photos, thanks for sharing 🙂 I sure hope the sleeping thing improves for you Maya, how frustrating :/ We all love you, think of you, pray for you and your sweet family. Ro is always with you. God bless, xoxo

  6. Just Sarah

    I see sweet Ro in every one of those pictures. Standing in front of you with your hand on him, skipping off with his brother grabbing for his hand, playing in between his brothers, and following them climbing up the tree. I know that he is painfully physically absent, but in every one of those beautiful pictures he is there.
    There will always be smiles, anger, and silence. Those you truly love you will always know the sorrow, the love, and the meaning. If not Fuck ’em!

  7. Simone

    I dont know if you guys would consider adopting a little dog…. I volunteer for HALO animal rescue, and I just know that dogs help with terrible grief. Especially rescue dogs…..its just a thought. I thought the boys might like it. Sometimes when there is no one on earth to talk to that understands how miserable you are…. a dog really will just sit and listen. And it helps. I know it sounds crazy, but its true.

  8. Alicia

    Your boy is so beautiful, the way you write to him brings me to tears. As I lay here listening to my own son’s rhythmic breathing while he dreams, I count my blessings while my heart breaks for you…and that guy Andrew-whatever is a fuckwad! It’s not about raising awareness to the 1340 unfortunate children a year that die from cancer, cuz I’m sure they know all about it. It’s about reaching EVERYONE else that are oblivious.

  9. interiorlove

    Love, love, LOVE this quote. I am always collecting quotes from different places and posting them on my blog, but this is a fantastic one.

    🙂

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