If kids can fight cancer, I think I can run a full marathon, without training for it.

Ronan. Headache. Can’t sleep. Usual insomnia. Liam is still not feeling well. He has some nasty little bug that is going around his school. He stayed with your Mimi and Papa today and is staying with them tonight. He’s contagious and I feel like can sometimes use the break from Quinny. I had some things to get done today and had an appt. with Dr. R for your daddy and I, then Quinn had his time with her as well. It was really good for him. She is really good for Quinn. He really clicks with her and she makes it safe for him to talk about you. They worked on a collage about you today. It’s not finished, but they cut out a some pictures from some magazines. Quinn picked out some things that reminded him of you. So far, he has a picture of an alligator, from that time we went to Disneyland and went on the jungle cruise. He found an add for Phoenix Children’s Hospital and had that on there. He also cut out a star and the word, Cancer. FUCK. This is so not fair. This is so not right that your little brother, gets to sit in a therapist’s office, and cut out the word, Cancer, because his little brother, died from it. I know that nothing will make this right, Ronan. But I also know that your brothers need to be talking to someone other than us and I feel like Dr. R, is a really good fit. I have not taken Liam yet because I wanted to get Quinny settled first. He will go as well. I think this can only be a good thing, for the both of them. For all of us.

I hiked today. It was hot. Around 90 but I didn’t really notice. I never do. Nothing is hot enough/hard enough/hurts badly enough. I know what real pain feels like. It does not come in the form of Inferno Hiking. I found the little gift that somebody left for me at the bottom of the trail. I am assuming it was for me. It was at the bottom of my trail, very strategically placed. Sadly, I cannot accept your little gift. Or maybe sadly for you, but not for me. I am fine with saying, gee… thanks but no thanks. I have my own Roligion, to follow. See photos below:

I left you some Ronan bracelets instead. This was the nice version of what I decided to do today. The not so nice version, was not very pretty. I am actually very proud of my self-control. I am actually proud that my anger did not take over. It made me laugh instead. I needed that after coming out of MY church today, drenched in sweat. I felt better after I went to my church and talked to my Ro. I do not need a book to tell me how to do that. Why haven’t people figured that out by now? Why does the Bible/Jesus thing keep getting pushed on me? I do not like when things are shoved down my throat so just stop. I’m never going to get on board with that book of make-believe. That is what it is to ME and if that offends you, then so be it. I am not here to tell people what is real or what is not because the bottom line is, obviously I JUST DO NOT KNOW. All I know is it does not work for me. If it works for you, great! If it works for you, that makes me happy! More power to you! I have my own beliefs and this is enough for me. It is more than enough. I will get through this, with my OWN book, in my OWN church, with my OWN beliefs. I am proud of what they are and honestly, I am still learning, so I am proud of that too. They are changing and I can feel my own spirituality growing. I am o.k. with marching to my own beat. I am sorry if you are not, but that is not something I can control. It is disrespectful to push your religious beliefs on another, especially when they are grieving. An opinion is one thing. I can be respectful of opinions, but pushing is not o.k. It makes me sick to my stomach. So just stop. I will find my own fucking way. Ronan will not let me down. I know this.

Ro baby. Do you know what else happened today? I sat at Dr. R, with your daddy. I was quiet. I had my guard up as I often do in there. I cried a lot. I don’t like to listen to how much we are both hurting. It makes everything 1000 times worse. I don’t like your daddy to hear how much pain I am really in, out loud. It’s much easier for me to keep it to myself. To shut people out. To be totally vulnerable, is so brave. I’m not that brave when it comes to vulnerability. I am a good pushing everyone away. Except for a few people in my life. I have a few people that I don’t push away for some reason. A few is all I really need as of now. I think Dr. R is kind of a loss for what to do with us. Because as I told her, we don’t have normal marital problems. We have one problem and that is a dead child. And how do you fix that? You don’t. You can’t. It is the one problem, that cannot be fixed. As we were getting ready to leave there, we were walking out and she goes, “You should come and run the San Diego Marathon with me, June 3rd.” I just looked at her and said, “I haven’t been running. At all. I haven’t trained in time to run a full marathon.” She then goes, “Well, just do the half, I’m doing the full.” A huge smile fell across my face. Running a marathon, without having trained for it?? “I’m in. I’ll run the marathon with you. Not the half, the full.” She said, “Look what I have to do, to get you to smile.” I left there, smiling alright. I left there and had about 50 different thoughts run through my mind. I ran them all past Rita. I called her and said, “I’m running a full marathon, June 3rd, without training for it. Except I’d like to change the name to, Maya would like to die, so let’s see if running 26.2 miles, will kill her.” She did not like the name of the marathon. We came up with some better one’s instead. We came up with a few really good ones. Like how about, “If kids can fight cancer, I think I can run a marathon, without training for it.” Or Maya’s Marathon of Madness. I kind of really like that one. Rita and I came up with some genius ideas tonight to make this, really, really fun. And maybe raise some money in the process as well to get Dr. Mosse’s trail funded. It’s time to start saving some babes. I can totally do this. I have you to push me and I know you can get me through anything. ANYTHING. So, it’s a done deal. I registered tonight. June 3rd, I am running the full marathon in San Diego. I’m excited. Rita and I are going to hash out our plan of action this weekend. Cancer fighting ninja’s in full effect. BRING. IT. ON.

You’re daddy thinks I’m nuts. So does Rita. She called me a lunatic today. I’d agree with her. I’ll be the first to admit it. But it makes me feel spicy. My craziness, reminds me of you. And why not do this? Why not? I have nothing to lose. Not a thing. I think of you, and all that you went through. I think of you, and how you’ll never get to run a marathon. I will run this for you, because I can. Because I am alive so that simply means, I can. I am alive and I am healthy so why the fuck not?? It’s good enough reason for me, Ronan. I don’t have a reason for lame excuses. I want to run this marathon, so I’m going to. End of story. I said after the NYC marathon, that I’d never run another one due to it being so hard. Well, back then, I did not know what real pain felt like. Now I do which is why I know this marathon is not going to be a big deal. I’ve totally got this. Go big or go fucking home, right?? Right.

This is all for tonight. It’s late. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite sweet boy. I miss you so much that at times, I don’t think you were real. I’m sorry for everything.

21 responses to “If kids can fight cancer, I think I can run a full marathon, without training for it.”

  1. Maya you are a total legend!!!

  2. Go for it! We are all behind you!

  3. Why do people think it’s okay to force their religion on other people? You don’t see me standing on a corner preaching about how I think religion is bullshit and that’s because I respect everyone’s right to believe or to not believe. I’m sure the gesture came from a good place but it’s wildly inappropriate.

  4. Well mama you picked a great one to run. That’s the only full marathon I ever ran without training, I decided 10 days before it that I was going to run it after my friend’s husband died, her and a big group of friends were running it for Team Mitch. So I felt the spirit and decided 10 days before to run it. It was the most fun and exhilirating 26.2 I’ve still ever done. Didn’t train a lick but I was regularly running 14 milers at the time and had run a 26.2 four months prior, so I wasn’t starting from zero, but you’re not starting from zero either so I’m not sure worried about you, although normally I would be because you know how I feel about being properly trained. Anyways maybe I can run it with you, I am definitely not trained up for it now, so I’d be struggling with you. Anyways, you got this. I love you. XOXO

  5. I too wish people would stop pushing the bible on you….you are right you have your own religion and you are moving forward better than some people that hold a bible close to them. You are changing the world in many positive ways!!!! Keep running!

  6. You Rock, Maya!

  7. Rock that marathon Maya. You can totally do it. Sorry that someone out there left a Bible for you, when so clearly it is not what you are looking for and certainly not something you were unaware existed. While our faith may be different, I would never ever judge you or push my beliefs upon you. You are a beautiful soul–and one day I am certain you will see Ro again, but that does not EVER change the fact that he should still be here and it FUCKING sucks that he is not. I am so sorry that Ro died, that his precious life was ripped away from him and the many many people that loved him .

  8. You’re going to rock the marathon!

  9. RoMama, I love Maya’s Marathon of Madness! I think you will do just fine, afterall you hike the mountain in inferno weather!? You rock! You will do it for Rockstar Ro! and he will be right there with you pusing you on mama!

    I hate when people push their religion onto others. FUCancer!!!

    Keep Rockin’ RoMama!
    Always Ro! xo

  10. So much for baby steps, you can do it. Our love and thoughts are with you and your entire family.

  11. Maya’s Marathon of Madness sounds great! I am doing a triathlon on May 6th without really training – I have the same rational as you – it cannot possilby hurt more than watching 2 of my sons die.

    I with you 100% about religion – believe whatever you want but do not force it on anyone else. Take care.

  12. RUN ROMAMA RUN!!!!!!!

  13. You so can do the marathon, I have no doubt. Sounds like a great distraction too. And I’m sorry someone tried to push their beliefs on you. As much as I pray for you, I know this is your own journey and there are many paths up the mountain (no hiking pun intended ;)). xo

  14. Is leaving a bible really that threatening? I happen to be atheist, and yet, I might be the only one that sees it as a KIND GESTURE!!! Not pushy. It’s a small simple way to say “I’m thinking of you & hope you find some peace” when I’m in my darkest hours I WISH someone would tell me IN THEIR OWN WAY that they care!

    1. Everyone on here tries so damn hard to impress Maya. You’re all afraid of getting yelled at by her or something so you’ll just agree with what ever she says! I had the impression her goal here is to RAISE AWARENESS! That means Have Your Own Friggen opinion and just CARE! Just care enough about the cause to raise awareness! I feel for you Maya in more
      ways than I could ever describe! If there is ANY thing you want me to do to help your cause I’M HERE FOR YOU! But I’m going to BE MYSELF and be real & honest!

  15. I love your spiciness! Running a marathon is bad ass for you, not me! My fat butt would never make it to the finish line! I will be in San Diego that weekend…..not to run a marathon but I will look out my hotel window (in Old Town) to see if I see you running and you better have some FUC clothing, a machete and a unicorn horn! LOL!

  16. Run Maya, RUN!!! I say you throw Ro bracelets out as you run………

    Love and hugz~

  17. As a card carrying catholic, I don’t get why people stuff religion on anyone…..I’ve read the book and if they did too, they’d know god is going to take care of “it”, that it being whatever they think you need. Only you know what you need & think you’ve made it pretty clear where your faith lies”…Everyone needs to chill and just respect each other.

    Where do we “sponsor” you or donate to you for the race?

    Mafia minion

  18. ❤ Ro!
    ❤ you!
    Hate fucking Cancer, what a bitch!
    Come stay with us when you come to San Diego!

  19. You got this! 🙂

  20. Take care of yourself in all that you do……….for you do have a lot to lose. And those men in your life should not have to woryy about losing you too.

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