Ro…. Inquiring minds want to know. Nailpolish color is by Debroah Lippman, the color is Happy Birthday. You would have freaked over it as it is so sparkly!!! I think of you everytime I wear it!!

Ronan. Do you know that I wait all day for this time at night with you?? It has become so special to me, that it is now a major part of what keeps me going through out the day. I wait for our time together, when everyone is asleep and it is just the two of us. I wait all day so I can finally sit here at night and write to you, take care of you, cry with you, and nurture you the only way that I get to now. I do this for myself, as much as I do it for you. It’s my time with you, alone, to sit with my thoughts and share them with you. It comes so naturally to me now that I am convinced that you can hear the words that I am saying to you. I so need you to hear them. I so need my time with you at the end of the night. The silence is just too loud.

I wrote to you last night, only to have it disappear. I’m not sure what I even said. I know I filled you in on what we have been doing to keep busy. But as I sit here and try to recall what that is, my mind draws a blank. I can’t even remember the day of the week, let alone what now goes on in a day. I can sit and tell you about today though. Even if it seems like everything that happened, was so long ago. The days are still dragging on and time is still standing still. The stupid sun is still rising, every morning and just makes me angry. I’ll tell you about today, before I forget. I took your brothers to Laguna for the day. We needed to get off the island and I wanted to see my friend, Denise, before we went back to Phoenix. We left this morning around 10 and spent the day with her. We met her at her brother’s house, which is unlike anything I have ever seen. It is filled with exotic things everywhere. You would have loved it. We spent a big part of the day, exploring her brother’s house and his love for snakes, frogs, lizards, fish, fossils, butterflies, trees, plants…. it’s like a mini zoo. Liam and Quinn had the best time and Denise did such an amazing job of explaining what everything was to them. It was a very educational day to say the least. We walked into town and had lunch overlooking the ocean. We got ice cream afterwords and sat on the beach, just enjoying the simpleness of the day. We walked back after a few hours and had a little adventure by the ocean shore as we navigated our way down a cliff, through the water, over rocks and back up some stairs; to reality. We said our goodbyes and I drove off feeling so happy for the beautiful day we had just had, but also so sad that I didn’t have you physically there with us. My heart was heavy. On the way home, we got stuck in traffic. Not a surprise, but it ended up taking us twice as long to get home. I would have usually been annoyed by this, but not today. Do you know what I did for the 2 hours that we were stuck in traffic? I talked. I talked to your brothers for so long that I probably turned blue in the face. I don’t know who this person was in the car today as you know I tend to keep my thoughts to myself. I tend to be on the quieter side as I like to think before I speak and it is as if I am always processing and analyzing the things I say. Today, on the car ride home, I did none of that. I let my worlds fly out of my mouth, and I engaged with your brothers in a way that I haven’t done in a very long time. It felt really good. I talked a lot about my childhood and told them a lot of stories. I told them how I had a lot of hard things happen in my life, but how I never felt sorry for myself. I told them the importance of appreciating everything that they have and how lucky they are. I told them they are lucky, Ronan. I still feel this way even though you are gone. How is that even possible?? I really can’t explain it, except for I am so much more grateful for the little things in life that they have now. Even with you being gone. You were the most precious gift to us.

I ran on the beach tonight. I took Liz with me as I am trying my best to turn her into a runner. Olivia stayed with your brothers. I pushed Liz for her mile that I have been having her to run. Baby steps for her. I ran ahead of her and marked a line in the sand for when she reached her mile cutoff. I had her turn around while I ran a few more miles and met up with her back on the boardwalk by our condo. It felt good tonight, running on the beach, with Liz by my side. We both had our headphones on and it felt good to get out of my head for a bit. I need that break so much now. It feels good to spend time with Liz and Olivia. Olivia brings out the innocence of being a child that I feel like we have all been robbed of. Liz reminds me of my younger 21-year-old self, back when life was simple but so complicated. I sit back and watch her and the lessons she is learning from all of this. I know it will make her a better person, if that is even possible. I’m actually not sure it is. Both of those girls are unlike anyone one else on this planet. I feel so lucky to have them in our lives. You loved them so much too.

I’m waiting now. Waiting for this Ambien to do it’s work and force me to drift off into my black wall of sleep. I remember nothing about my nights now. No dreams, not even falling asleep. I try not to get too concerned about this and my therapist agrees. We talked about this Ambien thing the other day. She said if I weren’t processing things during the day and during the time that I write to you at night, that it may be a different story. We both agreed that as of now, I need a break from all of this reality in the form of sleep. I hate it though. Never in my life have I had trouble sleeping. I now have to fight off the demons that live inside of my head as the night slowly creeps in. Your brothers are both in bed with me. They look so peaceful and beautiful. But it is so painful to not have you in here with us too. I can just picture you snuggled up beside us. That image lasts about 10 seconds before my mind automatically goes to you, lying in your bed at the Ryan House, as you were preparing for your last breaths. I watched as your little body gave out and your heart stopped beating. How quickly your little body turned still and cold and your lips, a soft shade of blue. I think about how I gave you a bath after you died, everyday. I remember I was so mad that I couldn’t get the sharpie pen off of your body from your radiation treatment the previous day. I wanted you to be perfectly clean, but I could not get the black sharpie off of your hips. I wanted to take a picture of you so badly, but just could not bring myself to do it. I have my last picture with you before you died and it is awful. You didn’t even look like the same little boy. You weren’t a little boy anymore. Your body, your face, your eyes….. everything had evolved into a man who would have been in his 90’s. That’s why you were so wise beyond your years, that’s why you loved me so much. I sometimes think you were really an old man trapped in a child’s body. It’s the only way I can fucking justify this bullshit. I think your spirit was so much older than the physical you and your spirit was ready to go on and move on to other things as you felt like you had done your job here. Now, I feel like you are really here, still watching over us, and showing your presence in different ways. If we ever have something good happen in our life again, I know it will be you who has made it happen, Ronan. You will be the one that we thank because you are now taking care of us. I’m o.k. with this, but I’m also fucking pissed about this. I wanted to be the one taking care of you, for the rest of my life. That was my job and I totally failed. I didn’t fail in loving you because you know how deeply connected our love was. I failed because you died. I don’t care what anyone says to try to tell me otherwise. I let you down. I promised you we would get you all better, that your daddy would coach your basketball team, that you would play on a baseball team, all the places we would take you and things we would do. I broke all of my promises to you. I hate myself everyday for this, Ro. I’ll never forgive myself.

I’m sleepy now baby. Time to close my eyes. Yoga in the morning. I hope you are safe, warm, and peaceful. Sweet dreams my favorite not spicy monkey boy. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

Sunday, bloody Sunday

Ronan. Sunday has always been my least favorite day. Sundays to me are depressing, sad, and I’ve never liked them. Why should today be any different? Let’s start with the fact that I didn’t fall asleep until 6:30 a.m. I had an awful night last night of worrying about you, about life, and I couldn’t get myself to wind down. I ended up popping an Ambien at 5:30 a.m. I was being stubborn because all I wanted last night was to fall into a blissful, non medicated sleep, and dream of you. Instead, I fought off the demons that now live in my head until I could take no more. Ambien induced sleep soon came and as I was halfway between being awake and sleep, I was holding my phone looking at pictures of you. I remember falling asleep and I was touching the screen on my phone with a picture of you smiling. I swear the picture came alive and you were moving, laughing, and smiling at me. I played with your face on the screen of my phone until I finally went into my coma. I don’t remember dreaming of you at all, but I played with you before I drifted off for the next five hours. When I finally woke up, I told your daddy that we should get out and go grab a late breakfast somewhere. We headed off to some restaurant a lady on the airplane had told him about. I don’t even know where it was, except we had to leave the Island of Coronado to get there. It was a really cute restaurant, and I sat on the patio with your daddy and brothers. We all ordered breakfast and I was just sitting there, looking at home handsome your brother, Liam is. I stared at him for a few minutes and then the crying started. I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring, your daddy just looked at me and brushed them away, and I put back on my sunglasses. There was a table of people right next to us. I nicknamed them “The pretty people,” in my head. They must have been in their 30’s and they were celebrating a birthday. Their table was full of so much happiness, laugher and love. I used to know what it felt like to sit at a table like that. Not to have a care in the world and everything was so carefree and pure. Now, the table I sit at is full of tears and sadness with a reality that I never wanted, but will always be mine. I will wear these scars for the rest of my life and they will never fade, because you are missing. Because you didn’t get to be a breakfast with us today, nor will you ever be again. I pictured you with us though. You would have loved the gooey cinnamon roll Quinn and Liam had. You would have gotten the frosting everywhere and probably wiped it all over Quinn. You would have taken the pure sugar chunks they had sitting out to sweeten the tea with and chucked them across the table at one of your brothers. I would have done my best “Ronan Sean Thompson! Use your manners!” to you as I tried to scold you but I would have ended up in a fit of giggles. Your naughty ways were always my weakness. Your carefree spirit, freed my soul.

I was writing last night to Mr. Sparkly Eyes and my exact words to him were, “Ronan completed everything in my life. Everything. After I had him, I finally for the first time in my life felt complete, whole, and perfect. He tied our whole family together in a big, pretty bow.  Now what? What do you do after that is gone? Survive I guess. Float, so you don’t sink. Swim, so you don’t drown. Go on. Move forward. Continue to fight. Fight to stay alive, to get out of bed, for that glimmer of happiness that I sometimes get to feel during the day.” Those were my words last night and you know it’s my truth. I’m fighting baby. I’m fighting every second of the day to hold on to you, to me, to your brothers, to your daddy. I won’t let go no matter how much I want to give up. I won’t let you down.

After our breakfast of tears, we explored the streets a little. Walking down the sidewalk, did you see the 4 of us? I know you did. We were all walking down the sidewalk, holding hands. All of us, linked together. I turned around to find you, expecting you to be running behind us. When I realized you weren’t there, I had to let go of your daddy’s hand. I couldn’t  hold on without you. The tears burned my eyes, but the pain in my heart was worse. Everyday seems to be getting harder and harder. I did forget to tell you about something so silly that happened last night though. Something that made me happy. After the crazy ocean swimming night I had with your brothers, we all went to the hot tub. When we returned back to the condo, Quinn realized he had forgotten his flip-flops down by the pool. I took his hand and told him we could walk back to the pool to get them. We got to the pool, but it was after hours so my card that lets us in, wouldn’t work. Quinn was devastated but I tried to tell him we would come down in the morning to get them and it was no big deal. His eyes got all teary as you know what a little worry wart he is and he was upset that they would be gone in the morning. I told him there was nothing I could do, but the look on his face  told me I had no choice to somehow get into the pool and rescue his darn flip-flops. So you know what I did?? I looked around to see if there was any way I could scale the concrete wall that surrounds the pool. I told Quinn to hold my things and I somehow managed to hoist myself up and over the wall, and I landed on the other side where his flip-flops were waiting for me. You should have seen the smile on your brothers face. I smiled at that and the thought of you and how I knew you were watching me, “break the rules,” as we used to love to do. Quinn told me that I was the best mom ever and now he understands why I like to run all the time and why it’s important to me. He said it’s so I can do things like that and he bets no other mom would have done something “so cool.” It made me giggle. He’s been talking about it non-stop to me since it happened last night. Sweet boy. The smile on his face was priceless. It made my night.

I ended tonight with my late night run and a movie night on the couch with your daddy and brothers. I’m going to say goodnight now baby. My most favorite movie in the world is on, “Lost in Translation.” I’m going to try to unwind while watching it in hopes for some sleep. It’s a movie I will never get tired of, no matter how many times I see it. It’s a good way to end just another painfully hard day. I miss you so much. I hope to see you soon. Sweet dreams, my blue eyed boy. I love you.

xoxo

 

Salt on an open wound

 

 

Ronan. Life goes on. One thing I am learning, is no matter what happens in life, it goes on. I hate this. I want everything and everyone around me to just stop. It’s apparent that this is not going to happen. I had no choice but to wake up today. It happens to me every morning, over and over again. Like groundhogs day. I woke up to the sunny sky and the ocean breeze. I told your daddy that we should go to The Hash House for breakfast. Do you remember when we went there a couple of summers ago? I think you had just turned 2. You were at that age where you would never sit still, but I somehow managed to keep you entertained as we enjoyed our breakfast. My friend, Kelly, took us with her husband and little girl, Gracie. Seems so long ago, Ro. But it wasn’t. I sat on a bench this morning, while we waited for a table. There was a mom sitting right next to me with her baby girl who was just 6 weeks old. I didn’t even know what to feel. Normally, I would have been all over this mom and sweet, new baby girl. Instead, I sat there quietly and tried to ignore her. Today, I felt a mix of jealousy, sadness, and emptiness. I thought about you when you were that little and what a gorgeous baby boy you were. I wished I could turn back time to have you all over again, as a baby, even if it still meant you ended up dying of cancer. I would do everything we just went though with you, all over again in a heartbeat. I don’t care how hard it was; at least you were still here. At least I still got to look into your big blue eyes and hear your little voice. I can never have those moments back now because some asshole named cancer has stolen them from me. I still can’t believe you are gone. I still cannot believe things like this happen in this day in age, especially to kids. Especially to you.

After the Hash House, we ran some errands. We then came back here and had a kind of lazy day. I took a nap with Quinn and your Daddy worked while Liam played on the iPad. It was a quiet day. The days I hate the most. We went over to Mimi and Papa’s condo for dinner. Liam is sleeping over there and Quinn is here with us. I can tell he is missing you so much. We watched some videos of you on my computer tonight from when you were about a year old. You made Quinn laugh like no other. He laughed so hard tonight as you  were up to your usual mischief and Quinn was your favorite target. He loved all the trouble you used to cause so much. I never thought I would complain about having boys that are so well behaved, but I am going to tonight. I miss your trouble making ways and the way you and Quinn would cause it together. Now, Quinny has nobody to cause mischief with as you know Liam is such a little rule follower and gentle soul. I cannot describe to you the absence you have left in all of our hearts Ronan. It’s like a whole new life. I life none of us ever dreamed of or wanted. A whole new, unwelcomed life where we have to struggle everyday to fill our days with something to make us smile. Today, we smiled over talking about you. Today, we cried about missing you too though. Those things seem to go hand and hand.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I actually have something to look forward to. Mimi and Papa are taking Liam and Quinn to Legoland which they are so excited about. Your daddy and I are going to drive to Laguna to meet up with Denise from Fore, Axel & Hudson. She is part of the amazing company who sent you all of your adorable hats and clothes. I have wanted to meet her for so long and we have been trying to coordinate meeting up. I can’t wait to give her the biggest hug for you. I need you to be with me tomorrow, baby. I cannot do this without you. As much as I am so excited to meet her and to tell her thank you in person, it is going to be hard not having you with me. I used to dream of the day that we could both meet her together, after we had gotten you all better. Your daddy is going with me so I will have him there to hold my hand. We will watch for your little signs all day tomorrow to know that you are with us. It will be the first time in a long time that your daddy and I have spent alone; just the two of us. I hope I’m not a wreck; it is hard for it to be just the two of us. Hard for me because I know your daddy is hurting just as badly as I am so it is like looking at myself, in a mirror, with my heart ripped out of my chest. The two of us together, alone, Ronan. It is just plain sad. The times that it is just the two of us, we basically just sit around, stare at each other and cry. I look in his eyes, and I see your eyes. Someday, I hope this will make me happy. But as of now, it’s like pouring salt on an open wound. Too much pain, everywhere.

I ended tonight by turning on the T.V. which I rarely to anymore. A movie, that I used to love, “Life as a House,” was on. Oye Vey. Bad idea to watch that movie. So good, but so sad. And of course it has to do with cancer. It was like a bad car accident though. I couldn’t stop watching or turn it off. I ended up bawling my eyes out. Cancer is just awful all around which is why things have to change. We are on to something though. That event for you, The Brightest Star in the Sky, that was put together in just a few weeks, raised 50k for you foundation, Ronan. 50K! I can you believe that?!?!?! I am still in shock and I am already hoping to turn this into an annual event. Think of all the awareness we are going to raise! My friend, Carolyn, said it was because of my words and your eyes that the event was such a success. I think she’s on to something. I’ve got a message to get out there and your beauty is going to help me do it. I was talking to Mr. Sparkly eyes today and you know how he is with his words. They always hit me hard. Today, he called me powerful. I laughed out loud at that, because I have never thought of myself this way. But after thinking about it, I feel like being powerful is something that I know I can be because I do have the passion and you on my side. I will use my power to make people aware of Neuroblastoma. Something most people have never even heard of. I am going to use my “power” in such a positive way and make such an impact. I have no choice. You will forever be my inspiration, my hero, my role model in life. You have changed me forever. Thank you, little man.

I’m going to snuggle up to your brother and your blanket, GiGi. Miss you so much, Ro. Sweet dreams. Come and cuddle with me tonight. I love you.

xoxo