To live with ghosts requires solitude

Ronan. Is the world ending? I have never in my life had a year full of so many awful things happening around me. 2 deaths on Coronado a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know much about what went on, as I don’t watch the news or read the paper anymore. I only heard the whispers of others around me. I heard that the little boy passed away a few days ago. It made me cry. It made me sad. It made me angry for this fucked up life that his parents will now have to go on living, without their little boy. After an awful night of sleep last night, even with my Ambien, I woke up to very sad news. A girl that I had never met, but we had talked via email many times, lost her battle with cancer.  A young girl, around my age. She was married and she wrote an amazing blog about her life, her passion, her strength and her determination to beat it. Her name was Jen and I followed her blog. I don’t follow anyone’s blog, but I stumbled on hers a couple of months after you were diagnosed. I reached out to her, to tell her how inspiring she was, how much she inspired me to keep fighting for you and to never give up. She emailed me back and it went from there. I fell in love with her and her fighting spirit. I told her I was convinced that the two of you, would beat the odds. We tried to meet up in New York City the last time I was there with you, but it just didn’t work out. She was sick and you were sick. She so wanted to meet you and I so wanted you to meet her. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and give her the hug that she deserved. She recently went all the way to Switzerland with hopes that this new trial would make her better. It didn’t work. This is all so unfair. I hope now you get the chance to meet her. I hope you will look after one another. Her service is tomorrow. She loved life so much and wanted her leaving of this world to be celebrated. She wants a dance party for tomorrow. This is what was posted today:

As you are all aware, Jen’s funeral is tomorrow and we wanted to give you some insight into Jen’s last wishes regarding honoring her memory. Jen believed “life was for the living.” She wanted her funeral and any other memorials to be as much of a celebration of her life as possible. In fact, she even wrote of possibly wanting a “dance party!” In that vein, please feel free to smile and laugh as you recall special memories of Jen and please dress however you like. Jen would have loved there to be some color in the room and not have everyone dressed in all black! 
As much as Jen wanted her memorial to be upbeat, she was respectful, however, that everyone mourns in their own way and that there was no “right” way to do so. Please help us honor Jen and her legacy in whatever way you see fit. 
We have cherished reading the tributes written here and on Facebook. Please continue to contribute memories, thoughts and wishes. Those who love Jen have already taken great comfort in your kind words.
Although I didn’t know Jen, she inspired me throughout your journey, Ro. She was all about living a life without fear. She felt, if you took fear out of the equation, you could accomplish anything. I am absolutely sold on what she believed. Fear is for the weak. Fear is for the ignorant. Fear can ruin your life. If there was ever a time that I was feeling defeated, frustrated, mad, or just plain tired, I would often time read Jen’s blog and email her to tell her thank you and how much I believed in the two of you. You two should have both survived this. You two should have both beaten the odds. My heart breaks for everyone who knew her, but how lucky they were. I hope you two have the biggest dance party tomorrow together. She would have fit right in with us and our love for dance parties, Ro. I know you two will take good care of each other. In honor of her tomorrow, I am going to make another music video just for Jen. Get ready for another youtube hit:)

I also found out that one of  our good friends’ brothers, Eric, passed away from cancer yesterday. I spent a summer in Newport with your daddy and Eric when your dad and I first started dating. He was such a gentle soul and I always felt as his eyes were smiling. My heart is beyond broken for his family. I called your daddy tonight and we talked about him going to the services on Saturday. I told him I really think that he should. We both won’t feel right if he doesn’t go. Mark has been a very good friend to us. Your daddy should be there for him. Eric leaves behind a wife and two little boys. I just want to know what the fuck is going on in the world. Two amazing people, just gone. It’s as the world is opening up and swallowing all of these beautiful souls up, one by one. It is beyond unfair. Hey world. I have an idea. Why don’t you take the freaking Casey Anthony‘s of the world instead and leave all of the amazingly good people alone. You are about to royally piss me off and I am on the verge of doing something crazy just to see if I can fucking cheat death and survive the odds. Fuck you world. You can piss off.

I went to Yoga this morning. Yay me! I have been saying I was going to go all summer, but I just haven’t gotten myself to do it. No Yoga fail this morning. Liz picked me up and we headed off to do a class. I was afraid to go this morning. I have been avoiding it. The last time I went to Yoga, was while you were in the hospital. I went and ended up crying pretty much the entire time. It seems to open up a lot of emotions for me. Today, I was o.k. I tried to focus all of my energy on you, Jen and Eric. I tried to stay positive. At the end of the session, our instructor asked us to close our eyes, and to be thankful for the life we had. I had to restrain myself from standing up and screaming at the top of my lungs that I was not thankful for life, because you are gone. I am mad today, sad today, lost today. I don’t know who I am without you. I don’t want to be anybody. I am trying to take these thoughts and make them motivate me. Motivate me to do something amazing for you. I will, because if I don’t, then who the fuck will? Nobody. I have to take these lessons that I have learned and turn them into something good. For the sake of you, and all of the other people in the world who are affected by cancer. Nobody is safe. This can happen to anyone. I still wish this were me and not you. I would still trade places with you in a heartbeat.

So, after I finished Yoga, Liz and I walked to Starbucks. We got a coffee and talked about everything from UFO’s (duh, they totally exist) to my sparkly nail polish that I am obsessed with. Oh, don’t worry….. it was just a nice peaceful stroll back to The Shores when we saw the smoke pouring out of one of the units. Not only was smoke pouring out, but flames as well. And not just any flames, but huge flames, out of the sliding glass doors and out to the balcony. One of the units had caught on fire. It was a big fire and everyone sat outside and watched, took pictures, and video taped it. The firefighters showed up but it seemed to take them forever. Liz and I just looked at each other and both asked what in the world is going on and that is when we decided that the world must be coming to an end. Bring it on. I’m totally fine with that.

Ronan. Somebody told me he thought you were too pure and good for this evil world. I sat with that for a while and I think I kind of agree. I don’t think such an ugly would like this would have known what to do with all of your wisdom, beauty, love, courage, strength, fearlessness, and the brains that you possessed. The world decided that you were too perfect so it had to take you back. I have schemed up so many theories about you and your life. It’s what I do at night while I sit her and think about you. Do I need a higher dose of this Ambien shit? I took it two hours ago and it’s almost 2 in the morning and nothing. Well, I hope it doesn’t have to do with the fact that I am drinking a COKE right now. My only vice in life really.

Not sleeping, mind is still racing. I don’t mind though. As long as your brothers are asleep, and my music is playing, cold Coke nearby, and you are here….. this is my heaven. Thanks for my perfect playlist on Pandora tonight. You have been playing the best songs. Everyone reminds me of you and some of them were our favorites. I hope you can still hear music. You loved it so much. I always play it twice as loud for you when I am running in hopes that you can hear it too.

Alright my little bug. Think I will cozy up with your brothers and try to get some sleep. I love you to the moon and back, Ro. Just you and me. Forever. Sweet dreams. I hope you are safe.



9 responses to “To live with ghosts requires solitude”

  1. Your thinking was so similar to mine last night at 1 am (or this morning!). I read your blog daily. Last night , as I read the story of a mom of triplets that’s missing and her husband is suspected of killing her, I thought “what’s this world coming to???” I live in Tx and just a few wks ago a father fell to his death at a Rangers game as his son watched. Then this whole Casey Anthony thing!! I asked God last night..why is it that SHE is free and good people die. People like this..and people like your baby! People like the ones you know that lost their fight with cancer. Pisses me off..and I just don’t get it. I struggle to keep my faith these days!!!! Unfair is just not even the word.
    But one thing I believe in is that your friends that passed are dancing away today with your Ronan! I believe they are holding him, and playing with him! And you will see them all again!
    Lots of love from Tx!

  2. Thinking of you and your entire family and sending our love. Freaky horrible things do keep happening in the world, yes and no explanation. I will keep both Jen and Eric in our prayers. I hope Woody is ok, funeral services can be so tough, at this point of your journey, but also can help with the healing. Our thoughts and prayers for your entire family. Glad you enjoyed yoga, it can be such a great release like running. Have a good day and enjoy the cool breezes.

  3. well, you’re right, life is unfair and wouldn’t it be great if it worked out that way? only taking bad people, evil people out early and leaving the good ones to grow old? it’s something we will never be able to understand! it doesn’t seem to make much sense sometimes. i am praying for you. i hope you have a better day today without so much bad news!! keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, God bless…

  4. I was waiting for you to say something about Casey Anthony! Amen, sister!

  5. I think the Casey Anthony’s of this world are cancer(evil,ugly, hateful) and fucking cancer doesn’t attack itself. I’ve only seen that motherfucker going after beautiful souls, I’m so sorry to hear about your friends. lots of love your way always ROBIN

    P.S. I LOVED the video! My daughter Madi(she’ll be 4 in sept) Loves and requests it now, she loves youtube too! We sing and dance to it all the time.

  6. Cancer is so unfair. My girlfriend passed away last year, a few weeks before her thirtieth birthday, from that whore. Heather had two beautiful kids, and had recently adopted a child. A year later and her family is still reeling from the loss — they will never be the same.

    Cancer needs to just GO AWAY ALREADY. Or a cure needs to be found… NOW!!! No wait, a cure should have been found a YEAR ago, five years ago, ten years ago… before all of these innocent precious people lost their lives.

    My MIL has been battling breast cancer (and its metastases) since 1997. Having to endure chemo for almost 15 years takes a toll not just physically, but emotionally too. She is a shadow of her former self. My heart breaks for her everyday… I hate cancer.

  7. you’re right maya, ronan was just too perfect and special for this scary world. but it would be so freakin amazing if he could still be here even though he’s too perfect for this world. i obviously didnt have the pleasure of knowing this incredible little soul personally, but thanks to you i’m kind of getting to know this incredible little soul. i hate cancer. i miss ronan. i think about him every day. xoxo

  8. Maya, I pray, hope, wish, beg, cry, want you to be the one that gives the bitch cancer a fight she can’t win. With your will, determination, spirit, soul & motivation I just know you will be the force to be one giving that birch a run for her money. ……go gurl, get shit done, and we all know you’ve got the army of friends, fans, follweres to back you up and do whatever we can to back you up!!! With love, admiration, awe and respect always!!!!!!!

  9. Maya-
    I’m in years reading your post. I read them everyday and they always move me. I lost my sister/best friend 6 years ago. She had a brain tumor and had been sick for 5 years. She had just turned 35 when she passed away. I still am completely numb and miss her with all my heart. She was perfect. Very athletic, millions of friends, never judge anyone. Everyday that goes by all I think is that cancer took the wrong sister. I’m far from perfect. I agree with you when you say why not casey anthony? Why not the people that are wicked and hurt other people and kids? It isn’t fair. I miss my sister/only sibling. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. Reading your blog, seeing how open and honest you are about your feelings, helps me to know I’m not alone in the world. So far, it seems noone understands how I feel.
    Thank you for what you do. I think of you and that sweet boy of yours everyday. Noone should have to go through that.

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