Happy Fucking Mother Fucking Birthday


Ronan. I think I thought last year was a hard birthday for me to celebrate. I’m pretty sure I bitched and complained about it. I wish I would have known then, what I know now. That last year, was the best birthday of my life. I know we were in the hospital. I know we spent the day, in your bed, cuddling and playing Star Wars. I would have given anything, for that day today.

My birthday is almost over. Thankfully. I expected it to be hard. It was a day full of ups and downs. You would not believe all the beautiful things people did for me and said to me. It was a day where I had so many people try to make me smile. I smiled over a few things. It was a day full of lap dances, Miranda dances, Purple, Skulls, kisses, hugs, tears, phone calls, text messages, FB messages….. and so many beautiful people. Want to know some of my favorite things that I got told? I have a few that I can remember. Someone told me how it was just another day, right? And 2011 was officially the worst year ever. I exhaled when I read that. YES. THANK YOU. I’m being serious too, Miss J. I so appreciated your honesty. Somebody told me, “Happy Fucky Birthday!!” I laughed over that one. Thanks Sarah. Somebody wrote to me, “Happy RObirthday!” I loved that one. I got a lot of “Happy Fucking Birthdays!” I of course, loved those too. The card above is from one of the sweetest souls I’ve never met but I hope to someday. Her card made me smile from ear to ear. Thanks, K.

I spent the day trying to be kind to myself. Something that is hard for me to do now. I spent the day, just trying to get through the day, without you. I couldn’t believe I had to spend my birthday, without my best friend. I worried about you a lot today. I missed you so much. I cried a lot. I just wanted to today to be over. I told your daddy that I was so mad that I was having another birthday, and you were not. Dr. JoRo texted me to see how I was doing today. I responded back to her, “Bloody fucking fucking mother fucking awful. Shaking a lot. Going to try to run some of this off.” She said her birthday was always hell for her too. She said she was going to do some sort of kindness act for you tonight. That made me smile. I went for a run. It didn’t stop the shaking of my hands. Nothing does.

The whole not celebrating my birthday did not work either. It turns out…. the lovies in our lives were not having it. So the day and night was filled with more I love you’s, than ever. Your daddy picked up your brothers from school for me. My mind was in one of those moods today where it played tricks on me. I had myself convinced that you were going to come running through our front door yelling, “Happy Birthday, mama!” I sat and watched out the window for your daddy’s car to appear with you and your brothers in it. I imagined how you would all tell me that this was indeed a sick joke and you were alive and well. I imagined your daddy telling me he had brought you back to life, for my birthday. I know you know how this turned out. None of this happened. Not any of this, came true. Your daddy and brothers took me to AZ88, one of my favorite restaurants for dinner. I blew out my birthday candle. I made one wish. The same one that I make 50 times a day. I hoped, wished, and begged that you were safe. I put on my best face and thanked your brothers and daddy for such a nice birthday. We came home and we all snuggled in our bed and watched part of a movie. Quinn asked if the two of us could sleep in your bed again tonight. I told him o.k. We snuggled up, I kissed him goodnight, we said goodnight to you, and he soon fell asleep. I’ll sleep with him in your bed again tonight. It makes me sad that your bedroom is so empty now. I feel so guilty that it is so sad and lonely. I have been sleeping in your room just to mess up your little bed and to cuddle with all of your Master Yoda‘s and monkey friends.

I ended tonight with a phone call from one our favorites, New York Miss Macy. Fucking fuck I miss her. The phone call started off with me crying so hard, that I couldn’t even talk. It ended with us both in fits of giggles. Her ability to bring the laughter and sunshine out in me is a gift that nobody else has the capability of doing. She asked me what I was going to do in NYC. She asked me if I was going to visit Sloan Kettering. I told her I didn’t think so, unless I wanted to end up in jail. I told her I was pretty sure they had me on a watch list, after the letter I sent to Dr. Kushner. We cracked up at the thought of me wearing disquises, in order to get into the hospital. She said she knows I could pull off some awesome mustaches. We cracked up at the thought of this. She misses you so much too.

I’m going to end this tonight now, Ro. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry. I hope you are safe. G’nite, sweet dreams, I love you.

xoxo

Dear Loveliest of Lovelies,

Thank you all. For being so kind, sweet and thoughtful. Thank you for taking the time out of your day, to wish me a Happy Birthday, Unbirthday, Fucking Fucked Birthday, not a birthday, a Wild and Free Birthday, a RoBirthday, and all the other creative things you came up with. You made me smile through my tears. You made me feel loved. You made me actually feel which is hard for me to do though all the numbness. You all are the best RoFriends a girl could ever ask for. I know Ronan is so thankful for all of you. So am I.

I love you all.

xoxo

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27 thoughts on “Happy Fucking Mother Fucking Birthday

  1. Sia

    If I could make a birthday wish for you come true, it would be that RIP REALLY meant Return If Possible. Happy just another day, Maya. You are loved. xoxo

  2. Heather

    Ronan would be so proud of you. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I wish SO badly that I could comfort you through words… I love reading your blogs. You are such a beautiful woman, mother to that sweet rockstar of yours. Happy Birthday Doll ❀ You and Ronan are in my thoughts and prayers!

  3. Rachel

    I too did a random (and probably dangerous) act of kindness today & I know it was Ro’s doing that inspired me!
    happy fucking birthday πŸ™‚

    Love, R.

  4. Lisa Ferris

    Am late to your Happy Fucking Birthday wishes but here goes….
    Happy Fucking Birthday Maya, it’s just fucked!
    Love & big hugs from one of your Aussie cancer fucking sucks girls
    Lisa xxxxx

  5. Kelsey

    Happy day to you!! ……limited edition….ask Macy!! πŸ˜‰ looking forward to taking this next trip around the sun with you!! πŸ™‚
    Love, love, one perfect love!!

  6. Jaime H.

    Happy “late” birthday to beautiful you, Maya! Always thinking of Ronan and of you. Amazing how many people feel in love with the little boy they never met or knew. I know I did. Still do. I am happy that you felt all the love on your “day”. Praying for you, love to you, God bless you, forever fan, xoxo

  7. Rita Dickinson

    Maya – I am always willing to do your grocery shopping for you. Just call. And I’ll even make a homemade dinner once a week if you and the guys would like that. You have my phone number.

  8. Glenda

    Maya,

    I’m happy you had a fucking good birthday with all the love, texts, fb and especially Woody, Liam and Quinn!!!

    Rockstar Ro… Your spicy blue eyed monkey… Your mini Brad Pitt… He captured my heart and I always think of him!!! AlwaysRo!!! XO

  9. Claudia Flaherty

    Happy belated motherfucking birthday to you
    Happy belated motherfucking birthday to you
    Happy belated motherfucking birthday to Maya Inca Badass Motherfuckerrrrrrrrrrrrr
    Happy belated motherfucking birthday to you!

    I am so glad to hear that you had a special night with your boys and all of the beautiful wishes you received from your lovelies.

    Thinking of you always. Xoxo

  10. Kellie

    Happy late un-fucking birthday! A day late but it’s just any other day like you said, right? Anyway, just another soul thinking of you and your beautiful family and sending well wishes your way! Stay spicy Ro! And stay spicy Maya! That’s the way we like you!

  11. Nickee

    Maya- I love that picture of you and the boys! I know you are sad, but honestly, you really DO hide it well. Your eyes always look so gorgeous in every picture. Your lashes arent all clumped together in a cried out mess, your eyes are never bloodshot, your skin looks so healthy… the twins and Ro def got some of your beauty πŸ™‚ Anyway… happy fucky sucky unbirthday! I wish you could be with Ronan on your birthday 😦 And everyday. I am so sorry 😦 Ugh, it is so shitty and wrong that you have to go through this life without your amazing little boy… no words really express how FUCKING terrible that is. I hope today is a shitty day for you, and not a fucking shitty day, or a motherfucking shitty day. Or worse :-\ I am thankful for your birthday because without you, there could be no Liam, Quinn or Ronan, and no fairytale marriage between you and Woody! You so rock. I hope your birthday was full of spiciness and everything wild and free πŸ™‚

    Lots of love and birthday hugs,
    Nickee

    SPICY FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Crystal

    You truly are the master of disguises to hide all that pain and misery behind your lovely smile. You are an amazing momma πŸ™‚ Glad to hear you were surrounded by love and Ronan, always Ronan.

    I am thankful for you Maya!

  13. Chris Sager

    Maya,have a Happy Mother Fucking Birthday!!!! Hope everyone gave you a mulligan on this one. Fuck the fucking haters. Keep doing your Roga every night if it give you the peace that you need!

  14. amourningmom

    Happ fucking unbirthday. Our first son died 2 days before my birthday and his funeral was the day before my birthday. I do not think I will ever feel like celebrating my birthday again. Sending you peace & hugs. Take care. Fuck you cancer!!

  15. Susi

    Ditto to all the above.. just another way to “frame” looking at the Christmas lights.. I made a comment sometime in November to a friend of mine’s mom about a house that was already decorated with their lights on.. she said that when she see’s lights up early or up or on after what we all celebrate as Christmas, she thinks they are for a serviceman or woman who hasn’t been home for a birthday, holiday etc and they have them up for them either in hopes that they will be home soon or to celebrate the holiday anytime they can since they know when or if they will see them again.

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