Happy Fucking Mother Fucking Birthday

Ronan. I think I thought last year was a hard birthday for me to celebrate. I’m pretty sure I bitched and complained about it. I wish I would have known then, what I know now. That last year, was the best birthday of my life. I know we were in the hospital. I know we spent the day, in your bed, cuddling and playing Star Wars. I would have given anything, for that day today.

My birthday is almost over. Thankfully. I expected it to be hard. It was a day full of ups and downs. You would not believe all the beautiful things people did for me and said to me. It was a day where I had so many people try to make me smile. I smiled over a few things. It was a day full of lap dances, Miranda dances, Purple, Skulls, kisses, hugs, tears, phone calls, text messages, FB messages….. and so many beautiful people. Want to know some of my favorite things that I got told? I have a few that I can remember. Someone told me how it was just another day, right? And 2011 was officially the worst year ever. I exhaled when I read that. YES. THANK YOU. I’m being serious too, Miss J. I so appreciated your honesty. Somebody told me, “Happy Fucky Birthday!!” I laughed over that one. Thanks Sarah. Somebody wrote to me, “Happy RObirthday!” I loved that one. I got a lot of “Happy Fucking Birthdays!” I of course, loved those too. The card above is from one of the sweetest souls I’ve never met but I hope to someday. Her card made me smile from ear to ear. Thanks, K.

I spent the day trying to be kind to myself. Something that is hard for me to do now. I spent the day, just trying to get through the day, without you. I couldn’t believe I had to spend my birthday, without my best friend. I worried about you a lot today. I missed you so much. I cried a lot. I just wanted to today to be over. I told your daddy that I was so mad that I was having another birthday, and you were not. Dr. JoRo texted me to see how I was doing today. I responded back to her, “Bloody fucking fucking mother fucking awful. Shaking a lot. Going to try to run some of this off.” She said her birthday was always hell for her too. She said she was going to do some sort of kindness act for you tonight. That made me smile. I went for a run. It didn’t stop the shaking of my hands. Nothing does.

The whole not celebrating my birthday did not work either. It turns out…. the lovies in our lives were not having it. So the day and night was filled with more I love you’s, than ever. Your daddy picked up your brothers from school for me. My mind was in one of those moods today where it played tricks on me. I had myself convinced that you were going to come running through our front door yelling, “Happy Birthday, mama!” I sat and watched out the window for your daddy’s car to appear with you and your brothers in it. I imagined how you would all tell me that this was indeed a sick joke and you were alive and well. I imagined your daddy telling me he had brought you back to life, for my birthday. I know you know how this turned out. None of this happened. Not any of this, came true. Your daddy and brothers took me to AZ88, one of my favorite restaurants for dinner. I blew out my birthday candle. I made one wish. The same one that I make 50 times a day. I hoped, wished, and begged that you were safe. I put on my best face and thanked your brothers and daddy for such a nice birthday. We came home and we all snuggled in our bed and watched part of a movie. Quinn asked if the two of us could sleep in your bed again tonight. I told him o.k. We snuggled up, I kissed him goodnight, we said goodnight to you, and he soon fell asleep. I’ll sleep with him in your bed again tonight. It makes me sad that your bedroom is so empty now. I feel so guilty that it is so sad and lonely. I have been sleeping in your room just to mess up your little bed and to cuddle with all of your Master Yoda‘s and monkey friends.

I ended tonight with a phone call from one our favorites, New York Miss Macy. Fucking fuck I miss her. The phone call started off with me crying so hard, that I couldn’t even talk. It ended with us both in fits of giggles. Her ability to bring the laughter and sunshine out in me is a gift that nobody else has the capability of doing. She asked me what I was going to do in NYC. She asked me if I was going to visit Sloan Kettering. I told her I didn’t think so, unless I wanted to end up in jail. I told her I was pretty sure they had me on a watch list, after the letter I sent to Dr. Kushner. We cracked up at the thought of me wearing disquises, in order to get into the hospital. She said she knows I could pull off some awesome mustaches. We cracked up at the thought of this. She misses you so much too.

I’m going to end this tonight now, Ro. I miss you so much. I’m so sorry. I hope you are safe. G’nite, sweet dreams, I love you.

xoxo

Dear Loveliest of Lovelies,

Thank you all. For being so kind, sweet and thoughtful. Thank you for taking the time out of your day, to wish me a Happy Birthday, Unbirthday, Fucking Fucked Birthday, not a birthday, a Wild and Free Birthday, a RoBirthday, and all the other creative things you came up with. You made me smile through my tears. You made me feel loved. You made me actually feel which is hard for me to do though all the numbness. You all are the best RoFriends a girl could ever ask for. I know Ronan is so thankful for all of you. So am I.

I love you all.

xoxo

Survival of Christmas, an Anniversary, and an UnBirthday= A SPARTAN DEATH RACE

Ronan. I feel dead. For real. Like I’m living here but I’m not alive. I’m numb. Again. It must be the holidays that are right around the corner. The ones that I cannot wait to be over. But then you know what’s next….. an anniversary. Our 10 year anniversary.  Impressive right? We were supposed to be in Peru, hiking Machu Picchu. We were supposed to be doing something extra special to celebrate the life that we had been so blessed with, the life we worked so hard for. To celebrate our happy life of still being each others best friends with the most perfect little family we could not have dreamed up because it was that perfect. It was simple. It revolved around pure and true love. With the most 3 beautiful boys, ruling our house which was always overflowing with love, fights, silliness, chaos, naughtiness, sweetness, laughter, dancing, sports, calmness, peacefulness, and security. What more could we ask for? Nothing. We didn’t ask for anything as we knew that we were beyond blessed. But then you got sick. And then you died. And now we are here. With a 10 year anniversary coming up to celebrate. No thanks. I would not like to sit in a fancy restaurant this year. I’ve never really liked to sit in a fancy restaurant, any year. I would really like to dig that hole in my backyard and Woody can throw me down food to eat. Kind of romantic, right? I can see how many marshmallows I can catch in my mouth. No fancy restaurants. No fancy anything. And next up….. My birthday! HOLLA!!!!! That one is sure to be bloody horrific. I remember where I was last year. We were at PCH cuddled up in your bed. We got woken up by one of our favorite lovelies with, “Good morning, young lady!” It was the best way to start my very unbirthday. But you told me happy birthday and smothered me with kisses. So many kisses. I was so happy to be there with you. My girlfriends tried to get me out but I think I denied their request. I am pretty sure I stayed with you on my Unbirthday. Playroom Kathy brought me a little cake. You fed it to me. So sweet. It was the best birthday I’ve ever had because we were together. More together than we had ever been in life before. Life and Death partners. One mommy who was healthy and one baby who was sick. Very, very sick. But we didn’t let that stop our parties in your bed. Right, Ro. We partied like it was 1999 with your chemo, and asspole as our guests. We didn’t care. They couldn’t cramp our style. You were getting better. Obviously. That’s what everybody was saying. You really weren’t. At this point, I think this is when everything started to spiral out of control, we just had no way of truly knowing it. Scans were next! After this last round 6 of your chemo. For not having much of a memory anymore, I remember much of this. I can even remember the hospital room we were in and which side of the room we were on. Not a window side, which we always hated when we had to share a room at PCH with other people. We loved our view and a window view room was always such a treat.

So, Ro. A birthday is coming up. But I think I stopped having birthdays when you were diagnosed. This will be my second annual Very Unbirthday Day to me! Does this mean I get to subtract 2 from my actual age? I think that is a fabulous idea. I will not be 34 this year. I get to be 32. I’ll just start getting younger as I think I deserve this after having to go through this life and losing you. Although, I actually feel like I am 74 after everything that has happened. So, what does one do on her second annual Very Unbirthday Day? Go skydiving, of course. I told you I was making plans, Ro. Lots of plans to try to make myself feel alive, otherwise I don’t have a chance at staying on this earth. I think skydiving is a MUST. You know what else is coming up?? After my trip to NYC…. The Spartan Death Race.  Check it out here: http://www.spartanrace.com/      It’s in February at Rawhide. All I heard were the words, 9 miles, mud, fire, tight spaces, obstacle courses, and you may die and I couldn’t sign up fast enough. There was also some huge liability waiver I had to initial as well. It said something about them not being held responsible for your death. I skimmed over it. I signed it in blood. Bring it on. You had me at, “you may die.” I’m not scared to die Ro. Your Sparkly made me look him eyes and promise him no more death hikes at night. And I promised. Had to. So, no more night death hikes means I must find something else to help this insanity. I also told him, “Ronan died of cancer. That makes me invincible.” Because if I am still here, surviving this pain, surly I can survive a 9 mile little race, right? Absolutely. And I know you know the reason behind all of this madness. These things are the only things that make me feel a different kind of pain and it takes my dead body and makes it feel alive for a short period of time. On normal days, I am a walking zombie. I wish I had a cool Bill Murray Zombie friend to hang out with. Or you. I wish you were here and would be my zombie friend. We were the best team. We were the best everything.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I worry about you so much. All day long. All night long. The worrying never goes away. I love you my spicy monkey boy. I love you to the moon and back. Sweet dreams.

Quinny misses you so much. This pic rips my heart out, Ro. For so many reasons. But I’m trying so hard to keep them happy.