Survival of Christmas, an Anniversary, and an UnBirthday= A SPARTAN DEATH RACE

Ronan. I feel dead. For real. Like I’m living here but I’m not alive. I’m numb. Again. It must be the holidays that are right around the corner. The ones that I cannot wait to be over. But then you know what’s next….. an anniversary. Our 10 year anniversary.  Impressive right? We were supposed to be in Peru, hiking Machu Picchu. We were supposed to be doing something extra special to celebrate the life that we had been so blessed with, the life we worked so hard for. To celebrate our happy life of still being each others best friends with the most perfect little family we could not have dreamed up because it was that perfect. It was simple. It revolved around pure and true love. With the most 3 beautiful boys, ruling our house which was always overflowing with love, fights, silliness, chaos, naughtiness, sweetness, laughter, dancing, sports, calmness, peacefulness, and security. What more could we ask for? Nothing. We didn’t ask for anything as we knew that we were beyond blessed. But then you got sick. And then you died. And now we are here. With a 10 year anniversary coming up to celebrate. No thanks. I would not like to sit in a fancy restaurant this year. I’ve never really liked to sit in a fancy restaurant, any year. I would really like to dig that hole in my backyard and Woody can throw me down food to eat. Kind of romantic, right? I can see how many marshmallows I can catch in my mouth. No fancy restaurants. No fancy anything. And next up….. My birthday! HOLLA!!!!! That one is sure to be bloody horrific. I remember where I was last year. We were at PCH cuddled up in your bed. We got woken up by one of our favorite lovelies with, “Good morning, young lady!” It was the best way to start my very unbirthday. But you told me happy birthday and smothered me with kisses. So many kisses. I was so happy to be there with you. My girlfriends tried to get me out but I think I denied their request. I am pretty sure I stayed with you on my Unbirthday. Playroom Kathy brought me a little cake. You fed it to me. So sweet. It was the best birthday I’ve ever had because we were together. More together than we had ever been in life before. Life and Death partners. One mommy who was healthy and one baby who was sick. Very, very sick. But we didn’t let that stop our parties in your bed. Right, Ro. We partied like it was 1999 with your chemo, and asspole as our guests. We didn’t care. They couldn’t cramp our style. You were getting better. Obviously. That’s what everybody was saying. You really weren’t. At this point, I think this is when everything started to spiral out of control, we just had no way of truly knowing it. Scans were next! After this last round 6 of your chemo. For not having much of a memory anymore, I remember much of this. I can even remember the hospital room we were in and which side of the room we were on. Not a window side, which we always hated when we had to share a room at PCH with other people. We loved our view and a window view room was always such a treat.

So, Ro. A birthday is coming up. But I think I stopped having birthdays when you were diagnosed. This will be my second annual Very Unbirthday Day to me! Does this mean I get to subtract 2 from my actual age? I think that is a fabulous idea. I will not be 34 this year. I get to be 32. I’ll just start getting younger as I think I deserve this after having to go through this life and losing you. Although, I actually feel like I am 74 after everything that has happened. So, what does one do on her second annual Very Unbirthday Day? Go skydiving, of course. I told you I was making plans, Ro. Lots of plans to try to make myself feel alive, otherwise I don’t have a chance at staying on this earth. I think skydiving is a MUST. You know what else is coming up?? After my trip to NYC…. The Spartan Death Race.  Check it out here:      It’s in February at Rawhide. All I heard were the words, 9 miles, mud, fire, tight spaces, obstacle courses, and you may die and I couldn’t sign up fast enough. There was also some huge liability waiver I had to initial as well. It said something about them not being held responsible for your death. I skimmed over it. I signed it in blood. Bring it on. You had me at, “you may die.” I’m not scared to die Ro. Your Sparkly made me look him eyes and promise him no more death hikes at night. And I promised. Had to. So, no more night death hikes means I must find something else to help this insanity. I also told him, “Ronan died of cancer. That makes me invincible.” Because if I am still here, surviving this pain, surly I can survive a 9 mile little race, right? Absolutely. And I know you know the reason behind all of this madness. These things are the only things that make me feel a different kind of pain and it takes my dead body and makes it feel alive for a short period of time. On normal days, I am a walking zombie. I wish I had a cool Bill Murray Zombie friend to hang out with. Or you. I wish you were here and would be my zombie friend. We were the best team. We were the best everything.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I worry about you so much. All day long. All night long. The worrying never goes away. I love you my spicy monkey boy. I love you to the moon and back. Sweet dreams.

Quinny misses you so much. This pic rips my heart out, Ro. For so many reasons. But I’m trying so hard to keep them happy.

13 responses to “Survival of Christmas, an Anniversary, and an UnBirthday= A SPARTAN DEATH RACE”

  1. Quinn misses you Ronan, and so does everyone else ~ especially your AMAZING mother! I admire you to the fullest Maya! Stay strong and keep kicking cancers arse!!!

  2. It breaks my heart…I think of you and Ro every day!!!

    Maya that picture is beautiful. You look soooo pretty! 🙂

    Peace & strength

  3. Maya,
    I’m soooo excited for you to go skydiving….I don’t know if you got my email suggesting that last week and wearing a purple tutu if you can. It’s something I have always wanted to do and thought it fit into your ‘danger plans’!! YAY!!! You have sooo many that love you, hurt for you, miss Ronan even if we weren’t blessed to have met him. You have so many that think of you and your family ALL day EVERYDAY!! The picture of you and Quinn is stunning…you are STUNNING but you can see the pain in your eyes and it rips at my heart!! I’m so sorry Maya….fuck you cancer!

  4. Maya,

    Skydiving is the greatest rush in the world. After I went once, I was hooked. It helped to remove me from all of my personal issues and gave me something amazing to focus on.

    Unfortunately, I don’t think you can wear a tutu under your harness. But I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it your own.

    Always in our thoughts,


  5. I think for your anniversary you and Woody should do something. Something dangerous. Let him in on your dangerous side. Just being out for your anniversary maybe dangerous and scary enough. Do it! It may be what y’all both need.

  6. Skydiving is amazing, you will feel so free and close to heaven. I am sending my love, thoughts and prayers to your entire family. I know holidays can be tough. Throw your energies into making it fabulous for your sweet boys, they have been through so much.

  7. Even though you’re hurting on the inside, you look so pretty on the outside (with cute little Quinny) 🙂 Praying for you and your family, thinking of you all daily, love and hugs to you all, xoxo

  8. I am always thinking of you and your beautiful family. I am so sorry for all you are going through. I give my kids so many extra hugs, I cannot ever imagine losing any of them. Thank you for sharing, because you are impacting so many lives, and for not giving up!

    The Spartan race sounds awesome! I am sure you will kick some ass, with Ronan right by your side!



  9. Maya,
    I don’t know how often you check comments and I know you are busy but I have a question about donating toys. I have them ready to go and had planned on bringing them to our local children’s hospital, but then I thought about the Ronald McDonald house. I am wondering if you have any opinion on which facility might need it more, although I am sure they would be appreciated either place.

    If it is the hospital, do I just show up on the Oncology floor or do you typically just drop them off with administration and tell them where you want the toys to go?

    I think about you and your boys always…..especially right now.

    Love from Minnesota.

  10. I will buy a spectator ticket to the Spartan Race for sure to cheer you on! It is not too far from my house at all:) Go Maya!

  11. I just signed up to volunteer. I am doing it for Ronan. You will rock this thing Maya.

  12. I am sorry things are so tough for you. I pray for peace.

  13. You don’t feel like you are 74. Believe me, You would feel so much better if that was your only issue. You feel like a mom who lost the youngest of her FOUR boys. I’m including Woody.

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