Baseball games and your GiGi

 

 

Ronan. It’s days like today where I’ve had so much going on and I feel like I’ve been doing so “well,” whatever that means, that I have to stop myself 10 times in a day, to close my eyes, and think about this reality of mine. It is days like today that I have to take the time, to sit back and think about your death because all of a sudden, this time that stood still for so long, seems to be flying right by me. I’ve been hearing a lot of, “Look how much you have done, already. You should be so proud of yourself.” I pause and think about this. Am I doing too much? Am I not crying enough? Am I being true to this pain or distracting so I don’t feel it? I worry about this. But I cannot stop the things that have been coming my way. I cannot stop them and what am I supposed to do, just sit back and ignore them? I can’t. That would be like throwing all the gifts you are bringing my way, in the trash. I don’t have a choice. I have to keep up with all that is going on if I am going to accomplish all the things you want me to do.

So, on days like today, where I am not bombarded with 50 things to do, I close my eyes a lot. I take a lot of deep breaths. I let myself go back to the saddest time in my life, which is when you took your last breath. I let myself feel the sadness that engulfs me and I let it be o.k. to feel this. I embrace it. I nurture it. I don’t hide from it. I have a lot of quiet time during days like today. I let myself feel alone and lost while driving in the car, looking for you in the rear view mirror. I go into the grocery store, alone. I still have to mentally talk myself through the shopping experience. I see the world so differently now. I go to the ghetto Fry’s instead of the fancy one, we used to go to. It’s much safer at the ghetto Fry’s. The people there, don’t blind me with their smiles. In fact, the people in there, are so sad looking, that it makes me sad for them. I cry in the grocery store, but not because of my own pain. I cry because I see the pain of the others around me. The man with the mental illness who is having a conversation with the pancake mix, the homeless lady with a shoe missing, the little kids that are covered in dirt and filth and their mom yells at them to put back the cereal because it is too expensive. Has the world always been so sad? And I am only now just realizing it due to the sadness I feel from not having you? You made me so happy, Ronan, that sadness didn’t exist our world. You made second of my life so happy, no matter where we were or what we were doing. We could have been in the middle of the war in Iraq, and I would have still been happy as long as we were together. Now, I’m in the middle of the war in Iraq but the war lives inside of my head and I am without you. How does one survive that? Because I hear from the outside world all the time that I am so strong. This puzzles me. I don’t think I’m strong. I think I don’t have a choice. I think I am a fighter and I love you so much, that I will do whatever it takes to change this. Is that strength? I don’t know. To me, it’s just our love.

For not having a busy day, I had a freaking busy day. I was pretty much gone the entire day and your brothers had a baseball game tonight. I almost had a panic attack, having to go back to the baseball field, without you. I never wanted to be the mom who actually got to sit and watch the entire game. I always wanted to be the mom who could never sit back and enjoy the game, because I had you to chase around. Tonight, I got to sit and watch your beautiful brothers. Tonight, I got to sit as the tears poured down my cheeks because one of the boys on the team, reminds me so much of an older version of you. He is a natural athlete who is ahead of all the other kids his age, due to having older brothers. This would have been you. Your daddy knows this too. He came over many times and put his hand on my shoulder. “Are you o.k?” he asked. I smiled my half-smile and just nodded my head as the tears poured down my cheeks. They were well hidden underneath my sunglasses and fedora hat. I did the best I could do, but sitting at that game tonight was beyond painful. I don’t think it will ever be something I enjoy again. I feel like a fish out of water. I pictured you, hanging on the fence, yelling for your brothers and being so pissed that you were too little to play, so you would have run out to the field and thrown some dirt or a ball in protest. I could hear your little voice yelling out, “Gooooo Quinny! Goooooo LiLi!” You would have been the team mascot. I am so sorry. I swear, this is all my fucking fault. I was your mom. It was my job, to keep you safe. I failed. I failed and you died and now what? Now, I am here, going to freaking little league games like everything is normal when it is so wrong. Life just goes on and baseball games, snow cones, and laughter exist. They exist to everyone in the world except the mom who no longer gets to bring her almost 5 year old, to his brothers baseball game. She gets to bring his blanket instead and hold it on her lap because he is dead. Who is in charge of this so called life again? I think I’ve said this before, but I want a mother fucking refund.

This is all I can write tonight, little one. I’m so tired. I’ve been falling asleep so easily lately due to all the going I’ve been doing, during the day. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

Thank Ro(not God) for that Dental Floss tonight

Ro baby. I am going to try to write tonight; but I am tired. I will do my best because I miss you so very much and my mind is anything but still. Today started out o.k. Waking up knowing our reality, is never easy to do. I got up and started working on some things around the house. Organizing things. Very fun. I can tell things like this are going to become an obsession for me. Things that I can control, are very important to me now. Things were so out of control, for so very long, now it is as if I am becoming obsessed with the things I can control. Such as how much I exercise, how much I eat or don’t eat, the perfectly put away laundry….. I cannot wait to start project organization on my closet tomorrow. The once, carefree, chaotic life that we used to live, seems like a fairytale. It is no longer here. Oh, how I long for the chaos that you created. You used to leave my head spinning, but in such a good way. I could never keep up with you and your craziness. So, I just gave in and joined you instead. We were such a perfect match. You were the best little partner in crime. I miss you so much. I don’t like not having a partner in crime anymore. Trying to keep this up, without you, is so boring and dull. And just plain sad.

Ro baby. I didn’t finish that last night. I had to snuggle up with Quinn instead who was sobbing about how badly he misses you. I held him tight for a long time, in the bottom bunk of his bed. I didn’t know what to do; so I just held him and tried to comfort him. I kept telling him how sorry I was, how unfair all of this was, how much I loved him, how strong of a family we are…..but my words were of no comfort to him. I gave in and told him to let it all out, how it was good to cry about you. It ended up being too much, so I in turn, just gave in and cried with him. As soon as he noticed my tears, he sat up and said the words that he’s said to me a thousand times now….”You o.k. Mom?” I wiped my tears away and told him I would be o.k. if he was going to be o.k. He said that he would and we decided to climb up to the top of Liam’s bunk bed to sleep. Liam was snuggled in bed with your Daddy. I fell into another night of restless of sleep, with Quinn by my side.

The weekend is over. It was all pretty much a blur. We had friends over, ran errands, did things around the house, went Inferno Hiking a couple of times….. I had breakfast with my besties this morning. Me and my 3 dolls. Not many laughs, but more tears. It is o.k. though. I know there will come a time when we will laugh like we used to. It’s the friends that stick by your side, during the toughest of times; who you will be with until the end. I’m so lucky to have the girls’ that I do as they are truly the best of the best. I know I say this all of the time, but I wouldn’t be standing here, without them. My sisters for life.

I went to the grocery store tonight. Alone. I hate the grocery store so much. I needed to get things for the week. Once I stepped in the store, the panic took over. My head started spinning and I could not focus on a thing. I filled my cart with fruits, veggies, things to pack for your brothers lunches. I did not have a list, as I thought I could remember what I needed. I used to be so good at that. I knew there was something that I really needed to get at the store. The one thing that I could not forget. I had spent much of the day, reminding myself, over and over, what I needed to get. Once I was at the store, I could not remember what that one thing was; to save my life. I knew it was something to do with toiletries. I walked up and down the aisles, trying to remember what in the fuck it was that I needed. It wasn’t shampoo, soap, face wash, Q-tips…… I was about to burst into tears. Why is my brain not working anymore? This is so not fair. Why are you dead? You are dead and my memory is gone. I used to have a memory like an elephant. Almost photogenic. Just as the tears started to form, I turned down the toothpaste aisle. There it was, Ro! Dental Floss! I’ve never been so happy to see goddamn dental floss in my LIFE!

I made the mistake of going down the toy aisle. There it was. A Star Wars action figure that we never had. A new one. NONONONONONO. I picked it up. I started talking out loud, repeating, “Guy’s Helmet,” over and over just like you used to call them. I took a picture of it. I almost bought it. I had to set that toy down tonight and just walk away. I had to walk away from knowing that I couldn’t buy you that toy tonight and bring it home to you. You would have been so excited and I could almost feel you wrapping your arms around my neck and giving me one of your best kisses. I cannot believe that I cannot have that anymore.

Babydoll. I’ve got to say goodnight. Your daddy is sad and I just don’t know what to do with all of this. Everybody is sad. How can I fix everyone else around me when I am so badly shattered that the simple act of connecting, being attentive, loving, and compassionate to those closest to me, often leaves me locked in a bathroom, lights off, puking my guts out.

Thanks, Fuckwad Cancer for taking my baby away from all of us. I HATE YOU.

G’nite Ro. My babydoll. My “not spicy,” monkey, my blue-eyed boy. I love you to the moon and back.

And P.S. WTF is this thing? It could be the most genius invention, EVER. Way better than the snuggie. Can somebody get me one of these? I would like to put it on and wear it for the rest of my LIFE. Stupid life. But this so made me crack up.

Ambien insomnia

Ronan. Hello sleep for a few hours, only to wake up with the insomnia that kicks in. Pop another Ambien, please. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be doing this, but I do it anyway. I cannot believe I now have to take pills to make myself sleep. Seems so trite, but it truly is the only way I sleep now. You know how we used to love our naps?? How we would snuggle up together in the middle of the day and fall asleep so easily? I cannot even do that anymore. Quinn was tired today, so I told him to come and lay down on my bed and I would take a nap with him. I was so tired so I thought we could both cuddle up together and rest. He was out in 5 minutes. Me? Nope. Nothing. I just sat and stared at him, trying to force my body and mind to relax but it wasn’t listening. I had to get up and busy myself instead. The peace that is lacking in my life now is causing me such distress that it is disrupting everything I do.

Your daddy and I met with Dr. Beth today and had a 2 hour meeting with her as she is the one who will be seeing your brothers. She is the one that will be talking to them about everything. We sat with her and did the initial routine, tell me about Liam, Quinn, and Ronan. Before she heard about Liam and Quinn, she wanted to know about you. She then wanted to know the background on your treatments, and the last week of your life. Fuck. Your daddy tried to do the talking. We sat on the couch next to each other, and I was laying my head on his lap as he tried to repeat the story about you, but he couldn’t do it. I looked over and he was choking on the words. I didn’t even know what to do to comfort him, so I just grabbed his hand, squeezed it and took over and continued on where he left off. I managed to tell her everything about you, without crying. It was another freaking out of body experience. I don’t know where my strength came from today, but your daddy was not feeling it so I had no choice but to take over. To stand up strong and take over for him as he is so strong for us, all the time. I told her all about you, your last week of life, how we struggled with deciding what we should do with Liam and Quinn and how we ended up keeping them with you at The Ryan House. She seemed very pleased with our decision, how we kept everything so open and honest. She said she thinks that will only help with the healing process of your brothers. I hope so.

We had to tell her all about your brothers. I realized they were different before all of this but geez, after today, they really are like night and day. One of the first things I said about them was how Liam was basically a carbon copy of your daddy and Quinn was basically a carbon copy of me. Your daddy agreed. Liam is rules, structure, and hard working. Quinn is more of a likes to stop and smell the roses kind of boy. I love how different they both are. It keeps me on my toes.

We talked about Quinn and how we are more concerned about him at this point. He seems to be the one showing the actual signs of being hit really hard by all of this. The separation anxiety issues, his impulsiveness, his insecurities. Some of these issues were already in play before, but now they are magnified by 1000. He is so worried whenever I leave, that I am not coming back. There is no amount of reassuring him that helps. It breaks my heart. Before all of this, you boys had such a secure, consistent life. I hate that Quinn now thinks nothing is true or real, and he knows the truth about things in life. That sometimes, people do not come back. He had the person that he loved the most in this world, taken away from him, and he knows that you are not coming back. Of course he is going to think I am next. Why wouldn’t he. He has such an imagination too so I can only imagine the things he is conjuring up in his little head. I think this talking to Dr. Beth can only help him. We are also going to be doing some things as a family. Therapy wise. Time to dive right into all of this now.

Dr. Beth said that she wanted to let us know, that with everything we had been though, that your brothers grades didn’t suffer at all and there was no disciplinary issues in school, was a huge plus. I told her we had an amazing teacher and amazing in-laws who took care of your brothers while we were away. I told her all about the amount of love and support they had and how they could not have been in better hands. I told her that we kept everything as consistent as possible, but how I basically didn’t get to be a mom to them for a solid 8 months. I told her that I worry that your brothers will think that I loved you more because of all of our precious time together. How I don’t want that to be the case, but it is one of my fears. I want them to know and believe that I love them just as much as you, because I do. But you know, our love is very different then the love I have for your brothers. You know the bond and secrets we share. That bond will never die out. If anything, I think it will become stronger. I’m trying to make up for lost time with your brothers and get our bonds and strengths back. It’s going to take time and I’m not forcing anything. I am just so thankful, everyday, that I have them. If I didn’t, you and I both know I would not be here. They are the reason I am alive. With some help from your daddy too.

So, that I am able to step it up and talk about you while holding it together is so strange to me. I find strength in very random, weird places and the opposite happens when I am out doing normal things, like getting my car washed. I could not believe I went there today and you were not with me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely in my life. I was sobbing so hard that snot was dripping out of my nose and people were staring. Fuckers. Stare all you want, I don’t care. I’m not embarrassed and if you only knew why I was so blinded by tears that I could hardly see to drive my car out of there when they were finished. That’s when I decided, that’s it…. my life is now going to be lived being blinded by tears. The same thing happened at the grocery store when I had to go again today. Tears all over the store. I’m surprised someone didn’t slip and break their neck on them. I’m surprised I didn’t with the wedge shoes I decided to wear today. Ahhhh… the fashion suffering we do as girls. Totally worth it because those shoes are to die for.

Snot dripping down my nose, I hurried out of the grocery store, right passed a little old lady, who was obviously going through cancer treatments. I started crying harder. I have no idea how I even managed to get myself home as the drive was a complete blur. Was it raining out? Oh no, those were just my tears. Buckets of them as there was nothing I could do to stop them. I got home, unpacked everything, and tried to act normal as Woody, Liam and Quinn followed behind me.

Ro baby. Think I started that post yesterday…. can’t really remember though. I’m sitting here, alone in the dark. My place of preference now. Alone. Your daddy is asleep. Liam, Quinn, Luke and Lily are as well. We had your cousins stay the night tonight. Today seems so long ago. Time is still moving so slowly. What happened today? I’ll try to remember…. but it seems like so much. Started the day off like normal. Woke up, breakfast for your brothers, I showered….. my cell phone rang. Unknown number. I picked it up anyway.

“Hello.”

“Yes, this is Nate, from the Apothecary shop. We are calling about a prescription for Ronan Thompson.”

“O.K.”

“Does the prescription need to be refilled? Because it has not been in about six months so we are calling to see if you want to refill it.”

Silence for a 5 second pause. “No.”

“Alright then. Did Ronan finish his treatment?”

“No actually. He passed away.”

“Oh. Ummmm…. I am so sorry.”

Insert sobbing here. “Thank you.”

“O.k. well, have a good day and once again, my condolences.”

Fuck. Really Apothecary man? Way to start my day. I guess I should get used to things like this but once again, I was not ready on how to handle a phone call like that. I did my best to stop my tears as I head the pitter patter of one of your brothers coming in to tell me something. I wiped them away just before Liam got into my bathroom, where I had just hung up the phone. I don’t remember what he came in to tell me as I had to hurry him out to do something else so I could take a few minutes to pull it together.

Pull it together I did. Finished getting ready. Got your brothers ready and out the door for a play date with your cousins, as they have been dying to see them since we parted ways in San Diego a month ago. I dropped them off for a couple of hours and ran some errands. I picked them up and headed over to their school for meet the teacher day. It went well and they are both excited about starting school on Monday. Me…. not so much. I am going to be a wreck, I just know it. You are supposed to be here with us, I’m supposed to be doing my usual hectic morning thing which was always getting your brothers ready while tending to your every need. Then I would throw you into the car, sometimes in your p.j.’s and we would rush the boys off to school. We would drop them, return home, spend our morning doing things around the house and enjoy our busy afternoons together, just the two of us. What am I going to do without you? I don’t even want to think about it because I know the answer. I’m not going to be o.k. This is never going to be o.k.

I made it through the day though. I made it through the meet the teacher day. Both of your brothers teachers are so sweet. I cannot believe school is starting already. I swear, it just ended. Quinn’s teacher asked how we were all doing. Your daddy gave the usual, generic answer. I couldn’t even make eye contact with her because after I saw the tears well up in her eyes, and then heard her say how she couldn’t even speak about it because it was so sad….. she started to cry, so I had to look away because all I wanted to do was crumble up on the floor and die. I gathered up your brothers instead and told her how excited we were and we would see her on Monday. I don’t know how in the world I keep managing to fight through this world without you. Everywhere I go, everyone I see, whether they know us or not, is so sad or so uncomfortable, or both, that they don’t know what to do, say, or how to act. I know there is no formula for this, but all I want to say is just do, say, or act however you feel. If that is looking the other way, then I’m o.k. with that. I know that not everyone is equipped to deal with a situation like ours and no judgement there. I totally get it. You know what else I do get though, and what I so appreciate?? Are the people who don’t know what to say, so they just nervously say whatever they can spit out. But they do it with such honesty, such realness, and as they are stumbling over their words, inside, I am smiling. Because I know they are being true and honest and it is such a beautiful thing to see. The rawness that many people have shown to me is like a little flickering of a light. It reminds me so much of you, Ro. It always makes me think of you and while they are talking I am usually so focused on witnessing a person using their real, authentic heart to speak to me, and I swear you are standing right there next to me, shining your little light on to them. The people in this world, who choose to stand up, stumble, say stupid shit, because they don’t know what else to say, are some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met in my life. And when I am told 5 times a day, how I’ve made someone a better mom, a better wife, to appreciate everything they have…… the little devil on my shoulder wants me to punch them in the face because I want to just say, “Well, so glad I had to be the one to lose my son for you to figure all this shit out.” But then the little angel who sits on the other side of my shoulder says, “Look at all this beauty, look how you are making people better people and this world a happier place. You are doing good things with the worst situation possible.” My little sweet angel wins and the little devil goes away. The angel is right. Losing Ronan has happened and he is not coming back the way I want him to. So if that means because of that, mama’s are better mama’s…. people are better people….. then I am really good with that. I feel honored to be able to help as my passion for being a good parent is what my life has always been about once I had my babies.

Being a mama is my favorite thing in life. I am trying to get back there again, but after losing you, Ro… you know I am still in shutdown mode. Unable to feel anything remotely close to love right now. How can I? I cannot even feel myself. I’m taking baby steps and doing everything I am supposed to be doing, but it does not come naturally anymore. It is still forced and I am still a walking Zombie. I do worry now about everything. My mom and dad both called me today but I missed there phone calls but had messages from both of them. I was convinced my brother had died or something. Why else would they both call me on the same day?? I panicked and called them both back. Everything was fine. Quinn has been having headaches and now I’m convinced he has a brain tumor so I want him to get a CT scan asap. Liam seems to be having hearing problems, so I convinced he is going to go deaf. I’m taking all of these *crossing my fingers* minor problems and blowing them up into something so awful, just because of everything we have just been though. I worry so much, all day long, and still all about you, Ro. I don’t like that I truly don’t know where the fuck you are. That is the most fucked up thing in the world. If this world has not figured out where kids go after they die….. with real proof…. scientific evidence….. then they should not be allowed to die. Plain and simple, right?? Not so much. Instead, children die, and their parents have to wander around here on this earth wondering where they are, what they are doing, who they are with, 24/7. I am consumed by this. I am not at peace with anything. And I don’t believe for a second, that if you are a parent, who has lost a child and you have all the faith in the world in God and Heaven and all that jazz…… that you don’t worry about your kids too. Or wonder. Or get scared or sad that they are not with you anymore because they are in a better place. You know the better place would have always been with you. Bottom line. That’s what makes me so angry. Ronan’s life or afterlife will never be better now that he is apart from us. He had the BEST life in the world. Wherever he is now, is not better then here because we don’t get to love on him, touch him, wrestle him, feel him, laugh with him. We were his everything. I’ve never seen a little boy who loved so deeply and he was so loved by everyone much deeper than anything I had ever seen before. I know how this cruel world works. Kids just die. It happens. But it shouldn’t be happening as often as it is. Especially with these cancer kids. Medicine and Science should not be so far behind with all of this. They are failing us and it is unacceptable. GODFUCKINGDAMNIT.

Ro. I’d better stop there because I could start a big swear word party and it could get ugly. Too tired tonight. I know you know who I saw today. One of your favorite lovies. I brought him our coffee, we sat and chatted. I was quiet today, which is not like me to be with him, usually I don’t shut up. I sat back and listened to him talk and threw in my  sassy pants remarks back his way once or twice. I had to have a little fun, as I was so sad today. I felt like I was walking around, just carrying my heart around, outside my body, in my hand. I wish I would have been. I would have said “Heart for Sale!’ ‘It’s healthy, beautiful, but badly broken. Maybe unrepairable.” “Great price, for a good, healthy home.” I would have given my whole heart away today to someone who could really use it. I am wasting mine, it is only causing me extreme pain, like heart attack pain. You don’t have your heart anymore, Ro, so why should I have mine? I don’t want it. I think I will sell it on the black market or something. I only want my heart if you have yours. Your is currently in a ziplock filled bag of ashes in your urn. FUCKING FUCKED UP……… I cannot even believe this. You were here, not so long ago…. and then you were just gone. Gone. Heart stopped beating, lips turned blue, feet cold as ice, body so stiff, your eyes… those insanely bright blue eyes, now a dark shade of blue. Your soul left way before your body did. I watched it happen. I’ll never get over that. How big, strong, and beautiful you looked. I must have kissed your cold lips a dozen times. I’m so sorry Ronan. I’m sorry to your Daddy, your brothers, I was supposed to fix you. Our love was supposed to get you all better. How did it not?

Ok. I’m blinded by my tears again. Have to get to sleep. I love you, Ro to the moon and back. Sweet dreams my “not Spicy” monkey boy. I love you so much. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

Happy freaking birthday, Daddy Woo

Ronan. Tomorrow is your daddy’s birthday. Fuck. May is so busy, full of so many things to celebrate, except for not really anymore. I mean, really, did you have to leave us in May? Before your birthday, your daddy’s, and Liam and Quinn’s is coming up too. I’m going to try to be extra happy for your daddy tomorrow, but all this may consist of is getting my ass out of bed to make sure I tell him how much I love him. And how freaking sorry I am that we have nothing to celebrate. Because we don’t, and it would be weird to pretend like we do. We will make it the best day that we can though. Liam and Quinn have their last day of school tomorrow. I am so relieved about that. I am ready for a summer break and some quiet time to escape here for a bit. I need some time with your brothers with some fresh air and nothing but the love that we are holding on to. Our love just has to get us through this. We all need to reconnect so school could not have ended at a more perfect time. We are all ready for a little down time. Time to slowly repair all the little things we can by being together and finding a new normal I guess. As much as I hate saying that, a new normal is what we have to try to get used to. I don’t want a fucking new normal though. I want our fucking old normal back. Back when I was such a busy little housewife that I thought it was a chore to take my wild 3 year old to the grocery store with me. But we would go and have the best time. We would then come home, take our sweet naps, wake up, clean up the house, start dinner, clean up with that, baths, showers, homework….. Everything was so important and so exhausting. Ummmmm… no. It wasn’t. It was the most beautiful life with 3 healthy boys. Who cares that you took a pen and stabbed holes in our ottoman. Who cares that you took toothpaste and squirted it all over the bathroom floor and covered the mirrors with it. Who cares that you took a Sharpie and drew all over the walls. I was that mom; the mom that cared. Although I did find most of your little shenanigans funny….. you got into trouble for all three of those things. So stupid. So nothing. So something a 3-year-old should be doing and not getting yelled at for. Although, I’m not a big yeller. You know I’m more of the fun mom who just kind of embraced every creative thing you used to do. It was all part of  your growing up, learning right from wrong, and encouraging you in any way possible. I’m so sorry for the last 8 months of your life and the real growing up you had to do. You learned such hard lessons and none of it was fair or right. You had to grow up way too fast and I will never get over that.

Ronan. I’m still here. Where are you? I’ve looked for you everywhere and cannot find you. I’ve looked for you in the reflection of my window. I’ve looked for you at the restaurant that we ate at today for your daddy’s birthday. I’ve looked for you on the side of the road. You are nowhere to be found. I want to be nowhere too. I want to be nowhere with you. But I can’t. Despite my wishing for the world to stop; it hasn’t and therefore, neither can I. So, I’ve been doing all the things I’m “supposed,” to be doing. I’ve been getting out of bed. I’ve been running errands. I’ve been taking care of your brothers. But I’ve been hiding too. Hiding from the people I love the most. Sometimes, I crawl back into bed in the middle of the day and hide there for a couple of hours. I never sleep. I pretty much lay there and just cry. And than I think about you and how mad you would be if you knew what it was, that I was doing. That forces me to get up and moving again. I never liked to make you mad. You had such a temper. I miss that. The days are still really blurry and I still have no concept of time. I do know that the pain from you being gone is now getting worse. The numbness is wearing off and the pain is almost intolerable. My stomach sinks a lot to the floor. I’m still dealing with the whole breathing thing too. I catch myself a hundred times a day not taking enough breaths. I have to tell myself that I have to breathe. I feel like I should be wearing an oxygen mask around 24/7. I wonder if this would help. I doubt it. I don’t think anything would help at this point.

Today is your daddy’s birthday. I’m so sad that you are not here for it. All day I have thought about how we would have celebrated him together, as a family. The way he deserves to be celebrated everyday. You know what I did for him on his special day? I let him drive me to my therapist appointment. He always asks if he can drive me and I always so rudely tell him no; that I don’t need to be driven. Today, on his freaking birthday; I asked him if he wanted to drive with me. Just so we could be together. It is your daddy’s day, yet he ended up doing something special for me. Par for the course. I promise to make this up to him someday. But honestly, this was the best I could do today. This is as good as it gets this year. I’m sorry, Woo. I do love you. My birthday wish for your Daddy tonight, Ro, is for you to visit him in his dreams. Please. He needs you.
I’ve had a hard time feeling you around me these past few days. I think it is because I am physically so consumed by my pain that my body is not letting me feel anything else. I saw Mr. Sparkly Eyes yesterday. He told me how you came to visit him in his dream. He told me how he saw your big blue eyes and how you told him you were o.k. I am so thankful for that. I love that you are finding a way to get to me, even when I am having the hardest time finding you. I love how you will do whatever it takes to let me know you are o.k. because I really, really, need to know that. I have no sense of peace, Ro and why should I? I don’t understand how any mother who has lost a child can ever really have peace. I think people say a lot of shit to make themselves feel better about losing a child. And I know I am new to this club, but I can already tell you everything I am hearing is bullshit and things like, you will come to peace with this, are only said by people to get through the day. Once you lose a child, it’s as if you have to retrain your mind and the way it works just to go on.  I’m still in the, fuck everything phase and nothing is ever going to get any easier. I suppose the pain may lesson after time goes on, but only because your brain is filled with new memories and somehow the memories of your child seem fade. It must be because you learn to reset your brain and you learn a new way of living so that it doesn’t feel like dying. But what do I know? I don’t think any one person deals with this the exact same way. This is just my observation and as I have learned…. I know nothing except for what I am feeling. And sometimes I do not even know that. This whole thing is a fucking learning experience that I never wanted to be a part of. One of my favorite quotes in the world has always been from the movie, “Shawshank Redemption.” I was reminded of this the other day when I was laying in bed, hiding, and your daddy came in and said, “Get busy living, or get busying dying.” I just gave him my normal, piss off look. But I know he is right; like always. I told you that daddy of yours was a smart man.
Everything we do now is so. freaking. boring. I said this out loud to your brothers tonight. I actually said to them, “How boring is life without Ronan?” They both agreed and Liam talked about how much he misses you. We then took turns saying if you were with us right now, what you would be doing. There was so much laugher when you were around. That is one thing I will never forget. You filled up any empty space with your giggles and craziness. I never knew how dull life was until you showed us what we were missing. Oh, Ro. I really don’t know what we are going to do without you. Everything is so empty.
I’m having a hard time. I know you know this. I’m haunted by a lot of things. I told my therapist, Sarah, today how right now, I cannot stop thinking about your eyes how they looked the last couple of days before you died. They turned from a crystal blue, to a deep blue like the ocean. I keep wondering if it was because your little soul was getting ready to leave this earth. I think about  this all of the time and I cannot get the image of you and the way the color of your eyes changed out of my head. Someday, I hope to replace this sad memory of you, with all of the happy ones I experienced. Someday, my sweet boy. I will pray for this.
I love you to the moon and back. Just me and you, forever and ever. G’nite my baby doll. I’ll love you forever.
xoxo