Ambien insomnia


Ronan. Hello sleep for a few hours, only to wake up with the insomnia that kicks in. Pop another Ambien, please. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be doing this, but I do it anyway. I cannot believe I now have to take pills to make myself sleep. Seems so trite, but it truly is the only way I sleep now. You know how we used to love our naps?? How we would snuggle up together in the middle of the day and fall asleep so easily? I cannot even do that anymore. Quinn was tired today, so I told him to come and lay down on my bed and I would take a nap with him. I was so tired so I thought we could both cuddle up together and rest. He was out in 5 minutes. Me? Nope. Nothing. I just sat and stared at him, trying to force my body and mind to relax but it wasn’t listening. I had to get up and busy myself instead. The peace that is lacking in my life now is causing me such distress that it is disrupting everything I do.

Your daddy and I met with Dr. Beth today and had a 2 hour meeting with her as she is the one who will be seeing your brothers. She is the one that will be talking to them about everything. We sat with her and did the initial routine, tell me about Liam, Quinn, and Ronan. Before she heard about Liam and Quinn, she wanted to know about you. She then wanted to know the background on your treatments, and the last week of your life. Fuck. Your daddy tried to do the talking. We sat on the couch next to each other, and I was laying my head on his lap as he tried to repeat the story about you, but he couldn’t do it. I looked over and he was choking on the words. I didn’t even know what to do to comfort him, so I just grabbed his hand, squeezed it and took over and continued on where he left off. I managed to tell her everything about you, without crying. It was another freaking out of body experience. I don’t know where my strength came from today, but your daddy was not feeling it so I had no choice but to take over. To stand up strong and take over for him as he is so strong for us, all the time. I told her all about you, your last week of life, how we struggled with deciding what we should do with Liam and Quinn and how we ended up keeping them with you at The Ryan House. She seemed very pleased with our decision, how we kept everything so open and honest. She said she thinks that will only help with the healing process of your brothers. I hope so.

We had to tell her all about your brothers. I realized they were different before all of this but geez, after today, they really are like night and day. One of the first things I said about them was how Liam was basically a carbon copy of your daddy and Quinn was basically a carbon copy of me. Your daddy agreed. Liam is rules, structure, and hard working. Quinn is more of a likes to stop and smell the roses kind of boy. I love how different they both are. It keeps me on my toes.

We talked about Quinn and how we are more concerned about him at this point. He seems to be the one showing the actual signs of being hit really hard by all of this. The separation anxiety issues, his impulsiveness, his insecurities. Some of these issues were already in play before, but now they are magnified by 1000. He is so worried whenever I leave, that I am not coming back. There is no amount of reassuring him that helps. It breaks my heart. Before all of this, you boys had such a secure, consistent life. I hate that Quinn now thinks nothing is true or real, and he knows the truth about things in life. That sometimes, people do not come back. He had the person that he loved the most in this world, taken away from him, and he knows that you are not coming back. Of course he is going to think I am next. Why wouldn’t he. He has such an imagination too so I can only imagine the things he is conjuring up in his little head. I think this talking to Dr. Beth can only help him. We are also going to be doing some things as a family. Therapy wise. Time to dive right into all of this now.

Dr. Beth said that she wanted to let us know, that with everything we had been though, that your brothers grades didn’t suffer at all and there was no disciplinary issues in school, was a huge plus. I told her we had an amazing teacher and amazing in-laws who took care of your brothers while we were away. I told her all about the amount of love and support they had and how they could not have been in better hands. I told her that we kept everything as consistent as possible, but how I basically didn’t get to be a mom to them for a solid 8 months. I told her that I worry that your brothers will think that I loved you more because of all of our precious time together. How I don’t want that to be the case, but it is one of my fears. I want them to know and believe that I love them just as much as you, because I do. But you know, our love is very different then the love I have for your brothers. You know the bond and secrets we share. That bond will never die out. If anything, I think it will become stronger. I’m trying to make up for lost time with your brothers and get our bonds and strengths back. It’s going to take time and I’m not forcing anything. I am just so thankful, everyday, that I have them. If I didn’t, you and I both know I would not be here. They are the reason I am alive. With some help from your daddy too.

So, that I am able to step it up and talk about you while holding it together is so strange to me. I find strength in very random, weird places and the opposite happens when I am out doing normal things, like getting my car washed. I could not believe I went there today and you were not with me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely in my life. I was sobbing so hard that snot was dripping out of my nose and people were staring. Fuckers. Stare all you want, I don’t care. I’m not embarrassed and if you only knew why I was so blinded by tears that I could hardly see to drive my car out of there when they were finished. That’s when I decided, that’s it…. my life is now going to be lived being blinded by tears. The same thing happened at the grocery store when I had to go again today. Tears all over the store. I’m surprised someone didn’t slip and break their neck on them. I’m surprised I didn’t with the wedge shoes I decided to wear today. Ahhhh… the fashion suffering we do as girls. Totally worth it because those shoes are to die for.

Snot dripping down my nose, I hurried out of the grocery store, right passed a little old lady, who was obviously going through cancer treatments. I started crying harder. I have no idea how I even managed to get myself home as the drive was a complete blur. Was it raining out? Oh no, those were just my tears. Buckets of them as there was nothing I could do to stop them. I got home, unpacked everything, and tried to act normal as Woody, Liam and Quinn followed behind me.

Ro baby. Think I started that post yesterday…. can’t really remember though. I’m sitting here, alone in the dark. My place of preference now. Alone. Your daddy is asleep. Liam, Quinn, Luke and Lily are as well. We had your cousins stay the night tonight. Today seems so long ago. Time is still moving so slowly. What happened today? I’ll try to remember…. but it seems like so much. Started the day off like normal. Woke up, breakfast for your brothers, I showered….. my cell phone rang. Unknown number. I picked it up anyway.

“Hello.”

“Yes, this is Nate, from the Apothecary shop. We are calling about a prescription for Ronan Thompson.”

“O.K.”

“Does the prescription need to be refilled? Because it has not been in about six months so we are calling to see if you want to refill it.”

Silence for a 5 second pause. “No.”

“Alright then. Did Ronan finish his treatment?”

“No actually. He passed away.”

“Oh. Ummmm…. I am so sorry.”

Insert sobbing here. “Thank you.”

“O.k. well, have a good day and once again, my condolences.”

Fuck. Really Apothecary man? Way to start my day. I guess I should get used to things like this but once again, I was not ready on how to handle a phone call like that. I did my best to stop my tears as I head the pitter patter of one of your brothers coming in to tell me something. I wiped them away just before Liam got into my bathroom, where I had just hung up the phone. I don’t remember what he came in to tell me as I had to hurry him out to do something else so I could take a few minutes to pull it together.

Pull it together I did. Finished getting ready. Got your brothers ready and out the door for a play date with your cousins, as they have been dying to see them since we parted ways in San Diego a month ago. I dropped them off for a couple of hours and ran some errands. I picked them up and headed over to their school for meet the teacher day. It went well and they are both excited about starting school on Monday. Me…. not so much. I am going to be a wreck, I just know it. You are supposed to be here with us, I’m supposed to be doing my usual hectic morning thing which was always getting your brothers ready while tending to your every need. Then I would throw you into the car, sometimes in your p.j.’s and we would rush the boys off to school. We would drop them, return home, spend our morning doing things around the house and enjoy our busy afternoons together, just the two of us. What am I going to do without you? I don’t even want to think about it because I know the answer. I’m not going to be o.k. This is never going to be o.k.

I made it through the day though. I made it through the meet the teacher day. Both of your brothers teachers are so sweet. I cannot believe school is starting already. I swear, it just ended. Quinn’s teacher asked how we were all doing. Your daddy gave the usual, generic answer. I couldn’t even make eye contact with her because after I saw the tears well up in her eyes, and then heard her say how she couldn’t even speak about it because it was so sad….. she started to cry, so I had to look away because all I wanted to do was crumble up on the floor and die. I gathered up your brothers instead and told her how excited we were and we would see her on Monday. I don’t know how in the world I keep managing to fight through this world without you. Everywhere I go, everyone I see, whether they know us or not, is so sad or so uncomfortable, or both, that they don’t know what to do, say, or how to act. I know there is no formula for this, but all I want to say is just do, say, or act however you feel. If that is looking the other way, then I’m o.k. with that. I know that not everyone is equipped to deal with a situation like ours and no judgement there. I totally get it. You know what else I do get though, and what I so appreciate?? Are the people who don’t know what to say, so they just nervously say whatever they can spit out. But they do it with such honesty, such realness, and as they are stumbling over their words, inside, I am smiling. Because I know they are being true and honest and it is such a beautiful thing to see. The rawness that many people have shown to me is like a little flickering of a light. It reminds me so much of you, Ro. It always makes me think of you and while they are talking I am usually so focused on witnessing a person using their real, authentic heart to speak to me, and I swear you are standing right there next to me, shining your little light on to them. The people in this world, who choose to stand up, stumble, say stupid shit, because they don’t know what else to say, are some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met in my life. And when I am told 5 times a day, how I’ve made someone a better mom, a better wife, to appreciate everything they have…… the little devil on my shoulder wants me to punch them in the face because I want to just say, “Well, so glad I had to be the one to lose my son for you to figure all this shit out.” But then the little angel who sits on the other side of my shoulder says, “Look at all this beauty, look how you are making people better people and this world a happier place. You are doing good things with the worst situation possible.” My little sweet angel wins and the little devil goes away. The angel is right. Losing Ronan has happened and he is not coming back the way I want him to. So if that means because of that, mama’s are better mama’s…. people are better people….. then I am really good with that. I feel honored to be able to help as my passion for being a good parent is what my life has always been about once I had my babies.

Being a mama is my favorite thing in life. I am trying to get back there again, but after losing you, Ro… you know I am still in shutdown mode. Unable to feel anything remotely close to love right now. How can I? I cannot even feel myself. I’m taking baby steps and doing everything I am supposed to be doing, but it does not come naturally anymore. It is still forced and I am still a walking Zombie. I do worry now about everything. My mom and dad both called me today but I missed there phone calls but had messages from both of them. I was convinced my brother had died or something. Why else would they both call me on the same day?? I panicked and called them both back. Everything was fine. Quinn has been having headaches and now I’m convinced he has a brain tumor so I want him to get a CT scan asap. Liam seems to be having hearing problems, so I convinced he is going to go deaf. I’m taking all of these *crossing my fingers* minor problems and blowing them up into something so awful, just because of everything we have just been though. I worry so much, all day long, and still all about you, Ro. I don’t like that I truly don’t know where the fuck you are. That is the most fucked up thing in the world. If this world has not figured out where kids go after they die….. with real proof…. scientific evidence….. then they should not be allowed to die. Plain and simple, right?? Not so much. Instead, children die, and their parents have to wander around here on this earth wondering where they are, what they are doing, who they are with, 24/7. I am consumed by this. I am not at peace with anything. And I don’t believe for a second, that if you are a parent, who has lost a child and you have all the faith in the world in God and Heaven and all that jazz…… that you don’t worry about your kids too. Or wonder. Or get scared or sad that they are not with you anymore because they are in a better place. You know the better place would have always been with you. Bottom line. That’s what makes me so angry. Ronan’s life or afterlife will never be better now that he is apart from us. He had the BEST life in the world. Wherever he is now, is not better then here because we don’t get to love on him, touch him, wrestle him, feel him, laugh with him. We were his everything. I’ve never seen a little boy who loved so deeply and he was so loved by everyone much deeper than anything I had ever seen before. I know how this cruel world works. Kids just die. It happens. But it shouldn’t be happening as often as it is. Especially with these cancer kids. Medicine and Science should not be so far behind with all of this. They are failing us and it is unacceptable. GODFUCKINGDAMNIT.

Ro. I’d better stop there because I could start a big swear word party and it could get ugly. Too tired tonight. I know you know who I saw today. One of your favorite lovies. I brought him our coffee, we sat and chatted. I was quiet today, which is not like me to be with him, usually I don’t shut up. I sat back and listened to him talk and threw in my  sassy pants remarks back his way once or twice. I had to have a little fun, as I was so sad today. I felt like I was walking around, just carrying my heart around, outside my body, in my hand. I wish I would have been. I would have said “Heart for Sale!’ ‘It’s healthy, beautiful, but badly broken. Maybe unrepairable.” “Great price, for a good, healthy home.” I would have given my whole heart away today to someone who could really use it. I am wasting mine, it is only causing me extreme pain, like heart attack pain. You don’t have your heart anymore, Ro, so why should I have mine? I don’t want it. I think I will sell it on the black market or something. I only want my heart if you have yours. Your is currently in a ziplock filled bag of ashes in your urn. FUCKING FUCKED UP……… I cannot even believe this. You were here, not so long ago…. and then you were just gone. Gone. Heart stopped beating, lips turned blue, feet cold as ice, body so stiff, your eyes… those insanely bright blue eyes, now a dark shade of blue. Your soul left way before your body did. I watched it happen. I’ll never get over that. How big, strong, and beautiful you looked. I must have kissed your cold lips a dozen times. I’m so sorry Ronan. I’m sorry to your Daddy, your brothers, I was supposed to fix you. Our love was supposed to get you all better. How did it not?

Ok. I’m blinded by my tears again. Have to get to sleep. I love you, Ro to the moon and back. Sweet dreams my “not Spicy” monkey boy. I love you so much. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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18 thoughts on “Ambien insomnia

  1. N

    I’ve always thought that you can guess a person’s experience with death by her/his reaction to it. People who have lost acquaintances, but no one really close try to think of something to say and often try to move away from the intensity of your grief. Many reactions in between as the relationship gets closer. Then, those who have experienced what you have lost (or very near it) understand that words are poor communicators for this purpose and you just “be” with the other person – heart to heart. All are appreciated, of course. Just an outside-the-body observation as I travel a similar path.

  2. Laura

    Love to your entire family. You and woody are doing all the right things. I hope this week will be easier than you think. Beginning of school can be hard, back to routines. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all. Thanks for always being so honest with what all you are going through.

  3. Jaime Harris

    really no words, just want you to know i am praying for you all and thinking of you often. i am sorry for all the pain you have to feel and struggle with. i hope the therapy is beneficial for you all. one day at a time, prayers always, xoxo…

  4. Pamela

    I don’t know how you do it. I just had such a bizarre experience. I ran into a lady who used to watch my son. She is sweet as pie and I really adore her. After catching up for a minute, she said you go to church right? I said no, that’s not my thing. I have been a non-believer for a long time. She said “oh I want you to come to my church” and I said I appreciate your invite but no thank you. She said ” but you do believe in god right?” when I said no not really, she looked as though I punched her. She went thru the talking points- everything happens for a reason, etc.. I looked down at my Rockstar Ronan bracelet I burst into tears and said you can’t tell me that this little guy died and was taken away because of somebody’s bad choices! ” oh but he is with Jesus” NO! He should be with his Mommy!!! It was so awkward and I was so angry. I just had to say “nice to see you, have a great weekend… Gotta go. I can’t imagine how you deal with that. Love and hugs and strength to you!!

  5. Jaime Harris

    2 Corinthians 4:16-18
    Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
    I found this verse for you. I hope it will help you to have some hope, comfort! God bless!

  6. Katy

    Maya,
    I’ve been following your blog for a few months and I think of you and your family frequently. I have a just-turned 4 year old and just the idea of losing her sickens me.

    I just want to tell you that you’ve prompted me to volunteer at PCH. In fact, I just signed up on their website for a session for prospective volunteers. As a stay-at-home mom with some extra time on my hands, it is exactly what I want to do. Thank you for planting that idea. I look forward to begin volunteering in the spirit of your sweet Ronan.

  7. blessuxinfinity

    Maya, I know you are smart enough to know that Ambien is a very dangerous drug. It has given many people complete breakdowns. You should not be taking 2 of them a night. Also, I know that you are smart enough to know that you are clinically depressed. That is why you wake at the same hour at night. Look it up online, if you do not believe me. If you want the pain to lessen , and to be able to be a mother again to Liam and Quinn and a wife to your husband, then get to a doctor and start taking an antidepressant. I sometimes think you love the following of your readers so much, that you are willing to stay in this pain forever just to keep them. You fear if you heal and get on with your life, that there will no longer be a reason for the blog, and the readers will go. Maybe that is what is best. You love the attention the blog gives you, so much you are willing to sacrifice all your family for it. That is truly sad and unhealthy. I hope you will get help and we won’t be disappointed if you are no longer sad or hurting. We will be happy for you. There will always be a corner of sadness in your life from losing Ronan, but you can be happy again. Unless you get some medication, and get your body chemically balanced again, then you can never be effective in helping to find a cure for this cancer. It is all in your hands. As to where Ronan is, he is where all souls are, in another realm and yes he can be happy there without you. He is no longer earthly, he is spiritual. Did you ask where your grandparents were , if they have already passed on? If they were happy? You have suffered something that is every parents nightmare. You lost your child. However, there are many who have been through what you went through, and there are many who have suffered worse and yet they survive. I know a couple who have a beautiful daughter who is 10 or so now, but she has been in a hospital bed since she was but months old, hooked to a respirator, not even able to escape the life she lives by sleep, because the 24 hour nurses have to suction her saliva out of her mouth or she will aspirate on it. She eats through a tube into her stomach. She cannot move a single muscle. She has the equivolent of ALS. They told them she would not live to be 1 and yet she is 10. Added to that, her father is a Neurologist. How do you think he feels? He is a Neurologist and yet he cannot cure his beautiful daughter who lives only with a machine breathing for her. I will tell you how he feels. He feels she has been such a wonderful blessing to them. They had 2 other healthy children after her. They live their lives. They do not curse and feel sorry for themselves. Yes, they have sadness that she can never be healthy and can only live as long as the respirator works. She would have died very quickly if they had refused to allow them to put her on the respirator. How can you make that choice, when your beautiful baby is struggling to breath? Let her suffocate. No, they could not choose that for her. The sound of the respirator fills the air in their home, no matter where you are. So you see, as horrendous as this is, and it is, there are others who have it worse and function better. I am sure there are also others who function worse than you. Please get some antidepressants and let the pain go. Rejoice that Ronan is no longer suffering. Rejoice that his spirit is free of his painful body and that one day your spirit will see his again.

  8. Alona

    Nothing worse than someone telling you that your loved one is “in a better place.” Really? Do you know where he/she is now? Because unless you can point out the exact location and prove it, that comment is a load of crap.I love you Maya.

  9. BJ

    We have a family member that is fighting cancer. As you know, there are many times you feel as you cannot hold it together and break down. I read your post about how your husband starting having a hard time in talking about Ronan and you somehow find the strength and covered for him. Likewise, he feels your pain and when you are not doing well, he finds the strength and carries you through. We have had very similar situations. I have been in conversations and I break down in tears, then one of my family members will pick up and talk….then in the same conversation, they break down in tears and I find the strength to take over and talk. One day it just hit me that we tend to thrive in these situations…when others we love are in pain, we step it up, and when we are in pain, they reciprocate the same = true, genuine, love. Not sure why I am even saying this, but I just found it interesting to watch as I am sure it will continue for the both of us. Just know there are probably 10k people that have your back. 🙂

  10. Kim

    Maya, you are asking many of the same questions I have asked since losing my baby sister 4 years ago. I sit at night and look at the stars thinking…if I could just know where she is I would be ok with her not being here. I have rationalized with myself and watched so many netflix documentaries about life after death looking for that one spec of irrefutable proof that there is life after death from a scientific perspective. In your post above you said his soul left long before his body did. To me, this is proof. There is so much complexity and beauty in the human soul, that there is no way our short time here on earth could destroy it. All the intricate details of who Ronan is are so much more than the combination of atoms and dna. I think the reason we are are not supposed to know all the details about where we go when we die is because then people would not work as hard to be a better person and give to others while they are here. If they knew what it was like in the afterlife, what would be their incentive to make the most of this one? I know he is ok. That is no comfort to you right now, I know and it does not make you miss him or want him with you any less. I just wanted to share my “crazy thoughts” that have run through my head trying to make sense of the “why’s”. Sometimes these thoughts provide me fleeting moments of comfort and peace and I can smile knowing that we all will be reunited with those closest to our hearts one day.

  11. Maureen

    i think of you often maya. i have been reading your blog for quite awhile. i worry the days you don’t write but always hope it was because you were too busy smiling. that is what i wish for. so much. when i was 16 i lost my bff to cancer. her life turned around and whisked away in a matter of months. she would have been 39 yesterday. i think of her everyday. i have kept in touch with her family over the years but recently reconnected a bit better than we had over the years. what a blessing in my life she has been and always will be. i thank the stars for her often. i do the same with ronan. the love held for ronan everyday by so many is so amazing. so beautiful. i think of you often and i will always pray for peace. thank you for being strong and inspiring others. you will make a difference.

  12. Michelle

    Maya – I am the crazy person who wrote you the incredibly long rambling email in the wee hours this morning. I stayed up all night reading your blog & writing to you. Needless to say, my kiddos have had a bit too much TV time this morning :). After reading this entry, I truly hope I did not turn you away by explaining that my faith has helped me continue & stay on my ridiculously rocky path. I hope you understand that I am much stronger than I was (almost 7 years later), & that the feelings are not a huge, raw, gaping wound in my soul as they were for amlong time. I just want you to know that you are a strong, wonderful, loving mother, & you WILL make it. I was in exactly the same, dark place you were, & I didn’t believe I would ever be allowed to leave it. I was angry, resentful, bitter, & pretty much a horrible person, mostly because I stayed in my own little hole & didn’t want to come out. I hated nearly everything that anyone said to me. One of the condolences I hated the most was, “don’t worry – he’s in a better place”. I wanted to scream in their faces, “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?!! IF THAT’S THE CASE, I’M REALLY PISSED AT GOD! HOW DARE HE TAKE MY BABY AWAY FROM ME!!!”. I pretty much denounced my faith for awhile. I couldn’t wrap my head around how a “Good God” could do this to good people – didn’t he know that the best place for Colin was in my arms? Another favorite was, “God will never put more on your plate than you can handle”. WTF is that supposed to mean?! He gave me twins, and then decided I’d lose one, so he decided to take him away instead? I know people mean well, but unless they have felt this excruciating, smoldering, intolerable pain, they can’t possibly know what to say. I agree with you – I appreciated the uncomfortable, stumbling “I’m sorry” s more than anything. A hug and an I love you was enough. The worst thing of all that people said to me (I think I put this in the email) was, “at least you have Riley.”. I wanted to scream, “HE IS NOT MY FUCKING CONSOLATION PRIZE – HE IS MY SON! I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE TWO OF THEM , AND HE WILL HURT AS MUCH AS I DO SOME DAY WHEN HE FEELS THE LOSS OF HIS BROTHER!”. I could not believe that people would actally say that to me! As rude and insensitive as it still seems to me now, it was the truth. I don’t know if I would-be here today if I didn’t have him – he saved my life. I pretty much hated anyone who had anything to say to me, especially the nosy ones who had to pry to get the whole story. I was so protective of that little guy – we didn’t leave the house except for dr appts until he was over 3 months old. When we finally ventured out, he was still only 10 lbs (which was a huge leap from 4.2lbs; Colin was 5.4lbs). I got all kinds of looks from other moms saying, “How dare you bring a newborn out in public!”. Good thing no one actually said it! When people inquired about his size and age, I would think to myself, ” stop prying, or you’re really going to feel like shit in a few minutes”. And when they continued to pry, I let them know what I had been through, and not in the nicest way. I hate to admit it, but I actually took pleasure in their discomfort, as I felt they deserved it. Couldn’t they see I was in pain? Why couldn’t they just leave me alone? Instead of embracing comfort, I completely turned it away. Something else that added to my level of crazy was the fact that everywhere I went, I saw twin boys. Not twin girls, not town boy & girl pairs, not even twin boys with dark hair. Everywhere I went, I saw twin boys with sandy blonde hair just like my boys (usually one even had curls, just like Colin). I hated all of those happy parents with their healthy twins! Why did they deserve them & I did not? They had no idea how lucky they were, & they just took it for granted! I figured that God was just torturing me, playing with me to see how far I could be pushed before I snapped. Needless to say, my resentment just grew and grew. Like I said, I was in a horribly dark place. I wish I would have let people in sooner – it probably would have helped. Fortunately, my husband & I clung to each other for dear life (as many times, the opposite happens). He & Riley gradually brought me out of that hole. I believe I met a few people along the way just to help me through it as well. Looking back, crossing paths with those special people probably helped kick start my journey back to exploring myself and my faith. This is what helped me find some peace and gave me the strength to grow & thrive, instead of shrivel up & die (which was what I wanted to do over & over). A wonderful nurse finally decided to take on the task of helping me heal after we were blessed with our miracle baby, Sami, 18 months after the boys were born. She told me I needed help, & she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She said she wouldn’t insult me with a diagnosis of postpartum depression. She said that I definitely had that, compounded with having been to hell and back. I am so grateful to her. She suggested Lexapro & counseling – I took her up on the drugs, but not the counseling. – wish I would have done both. The SSRIs definitely helped, but some days I worried that they made me emotionless. I woke up one day & decided I didn’t need the anymore, so I stopped taking them (NOT recommended). I have since decided to go back on another SSRI, and I, along with everyone who has to live with me, am/is a LOT happier. I’m definitely not pushing pharmacueticals on anyone – they just work for me. It might have something to do with the fact that I’m a very high-strung, A+++ personality, and I probably should have been tking them from birth ;). Anyway, I learned how to calm down a bit & start to let people in. Two of the most wonderful people I give credit for my healthier self just happen to be priests. I’m not Catholic, but my husband is, & we attended church sporadically before we had the boys. One evening, the week before I delivered my boys, I sat down to on a bench to wait while my husband parked the car. I didn’t even notice the associate priest sitting next to me, until he struck up a conversation with me. It was just small talk, but I felt so comfortable with him, like I’d known him forever. I had NEVER felt this way w/ a priest, & still wasn’t really embracing the whole Catholic thing anyway. Turns out, Fr Joe was the first name to come to mind when Colin became very sick. He came right away, and baptized both of my boys together, only to turn around a few hours later to give Colin his last rites. He was an amazing person, and I don’t think he’ll ever know how much he meant to us. He was very young – Colin was his first baby funeral, and it was as hard on him as it was on us. We saw him a couple of times at church, and then we moved away (after my dad died 5 months later). We didn’t try a new church until a few years later, when I found the same wonderful spirit in Fr Vince. He gave me hope & determination to be the best I can be. I never really considered converting to Catholocism; however, after my experiences with Fr Vince, I started RCIA last year. Unfortunately, I didn’t finish, as we had to move out of state. Like I said, I am certainly not trying to push any belief on you. I’m just telling you what helped me. I was very angry for a long time. However, after my experiences with these 2 wonderful people, my perception started to change. If these 2 men have so much faith in God that they gave up their lives to serve Him, maybe I should give Him amother shot. I’m certainly not a devout Christian or faithful church goer. I just have gotten to the point that I HAVE to believe my sweet boy is in a wonderful place. If I didn’t, then I would probably literally go mad. I have to believe I will see him again, and that he knows how much he is loved. I am so sorry to write another novel – guess I needed some therapy time. Please take care of yourself the best that you can, and let others take care of you as well. You have a lot of people on your side.

  13. Isabelle Geers

    Maya, for this blog post, I told myself, “Isa, you won’t break down this time.” And I didn’t. Not for a while, at least. See, I am used to bottling up my feelings, so I’m used to it, but since I started reading your blog, I cry A LOT. Of course, nothing compared to how much you’ve cried… Maya, everyone following your blog loves you and Ronan. Lots of us pray special prayers for you every night. I know I do. I have no proof of where Ronan is, nor where you want him to be. I like to think of him as on a beautiful white, puffy cloud, suspended in a sky as blue as his eyes. I like to think of him smiling down at you proudly when you’re not crying, and holding it all together, like, “This is my brave, beautiful Mama, God! She is so amazing! I miss her and love her to the Moon and back.” Then God would smile at him, and say how sorry he is, how he made a mistake, how instead Casey Anthony was supposed to be found guilty, and was supposed to be executed. Then Ronan would sigh, and go down to Earth as an invisible spirit, and stand by you as long as he could. He would cry with you when you were especially sad, and hold his little invisible hand in yours. If you ever feel something like that, this may be true. Then, at bed time, Jen would come down from Heaven as well, and pick Ronan back up to the skies. This is how I like to imagine Ronan’s spirit, with you as much as possible. He loves you so much, my heart breaks in half every time I read a blogpost. I am so sorry if I insulted you in any way with this imagination. It makes me a little less sad to think he wants to be with you. Sending prayers tonight 🙂 -Isabelle

  14. Isabelle Geers

    Just to clarify my last comment, my point is that, even if he can watch your every move from a little cloud, whenever he could, he’d go down to you, saying to God, “THIS IS MY BETTER PLACE!!” Hugs

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