Ronan. Hello sleep for a few hours, only to wake up with the insomnia that kicks in. Pop another Ambien, please. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be doing this, but I do it anyway. I cannot believe I now have to take pills to make myself sleep. Seems so trite, but it truly is the only way I sleep now. You know how we used to love our naps?? How we would snuggle up together in the middle of the day and fall asleep so easily? I cannot even do that anymore. Quinn was tired today, so I told him to come and lay down on my bed and I would take a nap with him. I was so tired so I thought we could both cuddle up together and rest. He was out in 5 minutes. Me? Nope. Nothing. I just sat and stared at him, trying to force my body and mind to relax but it wasn’t listening. I had to get up and busy myself instead. The peace that is lacking in my life now is causing me such distress that it is disrupting everything I do.
Your daddy and I met with Dr. Beth today and had a 2 hour meeting with her as she is the one who will be seeing your brothers. She is the one that will be talking to them about everything. We sat with her and did the initial routine, tell me about Liam, Quinn, and Ronan. Before she heard about Liam and Quinn, she wanted to know about you. She then wanted to know the background on your treatments, and the last week of your life. Fuck. Your daddy tried to do the talking. We sat on the couch next to each other, and I was laying my head on his lap as he tried to repeat the story about you, but he couldn’t do it. I looked over and he was choking on the words. I didn’t even know what to do to comfort him, so I just grabbed his hand, squeezed it and took over and continued on where he left off. I managed to tell her everything about you, without crying. It was another freaking out of body experience. I don’t know where my strength came from today, but your daddy was not feeling it so I had no choice but to take over. To stand up strong and take over for him as he is so strong for us, all the time. I told her all about you, your last week of life, how we struggled with deciding what we should do with Liam and Quinn and how we ended up keeping them with you at The Ryan House. She seemed very pleased with our decision, how we kept everything so open and honest. She said she thinks that will only help with the healing process of your brothers. I hope so.
We had to tell her all about your brothers. I realized they were different before all of this but geez, after today, they really are like night and day. One of the first things I said about them was how Liam was basically a carbon copy of your daddy and Quinn was basically a carbon copy of me. Your daddy agreed. Liam is rules, structure, and hard working. Quinn is more of a likes to stop and smell the roses kind of boy. I love how different they both are. It keeps me on my toes.
We talked about Quinn and how we are more concerned about him at this point. He seems to be the one showing the actual signs of being hit really hard by all of this. The separation anxiety issues, his impulsiveness, his insecurities. Some of these issues were already in play before, but now they are magnified by 1000. He is so worried whenever I leave, that I am not coming back. There is no amount of reassuring him that helps. It breaks my heart. Before all of this, you boys had such a secure, consistent life. I hate that Quinn now thinks nothing is true or real, and he knows the truth about things in life. That sometimes, people do not come back. He had the person that he loved the most in this world, taken away from him, and he knows that you are not coming back. Of course he is going to think I am next. Why wouldn’t he. He has such an imagination too so I can only imagine the things he is conjuring up in his little head. I think this talking to Dr. Beth can only help him. We are also going to be doing some things as a family. Therapy wise. Time to dive right into all of this now.
Dr. Beth said that she wanted to let us know, that with everything we had been though, that your brothers grades didn’t suffer at all and there was no disciplinary issues in school, was a huge plus. I told her we had an amazing teacher and amazing in-laws who took care of your brothers while we were away. I told her all about the amount of love and support they had and how they could not have been in better hands. I told her that we kept everything as consistent as possible, but how I basically didn’t get to be a mom to them for a solid 8 months. I told her that I worry that your brothers will think that I loved you more because of all of our precious time together. How I don’t want that to be the case, but it is one of my fears. I want them to know and believe that I love them just as much as you, because I do. But you know, our love is very different then the love I have for your brothers. You know the bond and secrets we share. That bond will never die out. If anything, I think it will become stronger. I’m trying to make up for lost time with your brothers and get our bonds and strengths back. It’s going to take time and I’m not forcing anything. I am just so thankful, everyday, that I have them. If I didn’t, you and I both know I would not be here. They are the reason I am alive. With some help from your daddy too.
So, that I am able to step it up and talk about you while holding it together is so strange to me. I find strength in very random, weird places and the opposite happens when I am out doing normal things, like getting my car washed. I could not believe I went there today and you were not with me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lonely in my life. I was sobbing so hard that snot was dripping out of my nose and people were staring. Fuckers. Stare all you want, I don’t care. I’m not embarrassed and if you only knew why I was so blinded by tears that I could hardly see to drive my car out of there when they were finished. That’s when I decided, that’s it…. my life is now going to be lived being blinded by tears. The same thing happened at the grocery store when I had to go again today. Tears all over the store. I’m surprised someone didn’t slip and break their neck on them. I’m surprised I didn’t with the wedge shoes I decided to wear today. Ahhhh… the fashion suffering we do as girls. Totally worth it because those shoes are to die for.
Snot dripping down my nose, I hurried out of the grocery store, right passed a little old lady, who was obviously going through cancer treatments. I started crying harder. I have no idea how I even managed to get myself home as the drive was a complete blur. Was it raining out? Oh no, those were just my tears. Buckets of them as there was nothing I could do to stop them. I got home, unpacked everything, and tried to act normal as Woody, Liam and Quinn followed behind me.
Ro baby. Think I started that post yesterday…. can’t really remember though. I’m sitting here, alone in the dark. My place of preference now. Alone. Your daddy is asleep. Liam, Quinn, Luke and Lily are as well. We had your cousins stay the night tonight. Today seems so long ago. Time is still moving so slowly. What happened today? I’ll try to remember…. but it seems like so much. Started the day off like normal. Woke up, breakfast for your brothers, I showered….. my cell phone rang. Unknown number. I picked it up anyway.
“Yes, this is Nate, from the Apothecary shop. We are calling about a prescription for Ronan Thompson.”
“Does the prescription need to be refilled? Because it has not been in about six months so we are calling to see if you want to refill it.”
Silence for a 5 second pause. “No.”
“Alright then. Did Ronan finish his treatment?”
“No actually. He passed away.”
“Oh. Ummmm…. I am so sorry.”
Insert sobbing here. “Thank you.”
“O.k. well, have a good day and once again, my condolences.”
Fuck. Really Apothecary man? Way to start my day. I guess I should get used to things like this but once again, I was not ready on how to handle a phone call like that. I did my best to stop my tears as I head the pitter patter of one of your brothers coming in to tell me something. I wiped them away just before Liam got into my bathroom, where I had just hung up the phone. I don’t remember what he came in to tell me as I had to hurry him out to do something else so I could take a few minutes to pull it together.
Pull it together I did. Finished getting ready. Got your brothers ready and out the door for a play date with your cousins, as they have been dying to see them since we parted ways in San Diego a month ago. I dropped them off for a couple of hours and ran some errands. I picked them up and headed over to their school for meet the teacher day. It went well and they are both excited about starting school on Monday. Me…. not so much. I am going to be a wreck, I just know it. You are supposed to be here with us, I’m supposed to be doing my usual hectic morning thing which was always getting your brothers ready while tending to your every need. Then I would throw you into the car, sometimes in your p.j.’s and we would rush the boys off to school. We would drop them, return home, spend our morning doing things around the house and enjoy our busy afternoons together, just the two of us. What am I going to do without you? I don’t even want to think about it because I know the answer. I’m not going to be o.k. This is never going to be o.k.
I made it through the day though. I made it through the meet the teacher day. Both of your brothers teachers are so sweet. I cannot believe school is starting already. I swear, it just ended. Quinn’s teacher asked how we were all doing. Your daddy gave the usual, generic answer. I couldn’t even make eye contact with her because after I saw the tears well up in her eyes, and then heard her say how she couldn’t even speak about it because it was so sad….. she started to cry, so I had to look away because all I wanted to do was crumble up on the floor and die. I gathered up your brothers instead and told her how excited we were and we would see her on Monday. I don’t know how in the world I keep managing to fight through this world without you. Everywhere I go, everyone I see, whether they know us or not, is so sad or so uncomfortable, or both, that they don’t know what to do, say, or how to act. I know there is no formula for this, but all I want to say is just do, say, or act however you feel. If that is looking the other way, then I’m o.k. with that. I know that not everyone is equipped to deal with a situation like ours and no judgement there. I totally get it. You know what else I do get though, and what I so appreciate?? Are the people who don’t know what to say, so they just nervously say whatever they can spit out. But they do it with such honesty, such realness, and as they are stumbling over their words, inside, I am smiling. Because I know they are being true and honest and it is such a beautiful thing to see. The rawness that many people have shown to me is like a little flickering of a light. It reminds me so much of you, Ro. It always makes me think of you and while they are talking I am usually so focused on witnessing a person using their real, authentic heart to speak to me, and I swear you are standing right there next to me, shining your little light on to them. The people in this world, who choose to stand up, stumble, say stupid shit, because they don’t know what else to say, are some of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met in my life. And when I am told 5 times a day, how I’ve made someone a better mom, a better wife, to appreciate everything they have…… the little devil on my shoulder wants me to punch them in the face because I want to just say, “Well, so glad I had to be the one to lose my son for you to figure all this shit out.” But then the little angel who sits on the other side of my shoulder says, “Look at all this beauty, look how you are making people better people and this world a happier place. You are doing good things with the worst situation possible.” My little sweet angel wins and the little devil goes away. The angel is right. Losing Ronan has happened and he is not coming back the way I want him to. So if that means because of that, mama’s are better mama’s…. people are better people….. then I am really good with that. I feel honored to be able to help as my passion for being a good parent is what my life has always been about once I had my babies.
Being a mama is my favorite thing in life. I am trying to get back there again, but after losing you, Ro… you know I am still in shutdown mode. Unable to feel anything remotely close to love right now. How can I? I cannot even feel myself. I’m taking baby steps and doing everything I am supposed to be doing, but it does not come naturally anymore. It is still forced and I am still a walking Zombie. I do worry now about everything. My mom and dad both called me today but I missed there phone calls but had messages from both of them. I was convinced my brother had died or something. Why else would they both call me on the same day?? I panicked and called them both back. Everything was fine. Quinn has been having headaches and now I’m convinced he has a brain tumor so I want him to get a CT scan asap. Liam seems to be having hearing problems, so I convinced he is going to go deaf. I’m taking all of these *crossing my fingers* minor problems and blowing them up into something so awful, just because of everything we have just been though. I worry so much, all day long, and still all about you, Ro. I don’t like that I truly don’t know where the fuck you are. That is the most fucked up thing in the world. If this world has not figured out where kids go after they die….. with real proof…. scientific evidence….. then they should not be allowed to die. Plain and simple, right?? Not so much. Instead, children die, and their parents have to wander around here on this earth wondering where they are, what they are doing, who they are with, 24/7. I am consumed by this. I am not at peace with anything. And I don’t believe for a second, that if you are a parent, who has lost a child and you have all the faith in the world in God and Heaven and all that jazz…… that you don’t worry about your kids too. Or wonder. Or get scared or sad that they are not with you anymore because they are in a better place. You know the better place would have always been with you. Bottom line. That’s what makes me so angry. Ronan’s life or afterlife will never be better now that he is apart from us. He had the BEST life in the world. Wherever he is now, is not better then here because we don’t get to love on him, touch him, wrestle him, feel him, laugh with him. We were his everything. I’ve never seen a little boy who loved so deeply and he was so loved by everyone much deeper than anything I had ever seen before. I know how this cruel world works. Kids just die. It happens. But it shouldn’t be happening as often as it is. Especially with these cancer kids. Medicine and Science should not be so far behind with all of this. They are failing us and it is unacceptable. GODFUCKINGDAMNIT.
Ro. I’d better stop there because I could start a big swear word party and it could get ugly. Too tired tonight. I know you know who I saw today. One of your favorite lovies. I brought him our coffee, we sat and chatted. I was quiet today, which is not like me to be with him, usually I don’t shut up. I sat back and listened to him talk and threw in my sassy pants remarks back his way once or twice. I had to have a little fun, as I was so sad today. I felt like I was walking around, just carrying my heart around, outside my body, in my hand. I wish I would have been. I would have said “Heart for Sale!’ ‘It’s healthy, beautiful, but badly broken. Maybe unrepairable.” “Great price, for a good, healthy home.” I would have given my whole heart away today to someone who could really use it. I am wasting mine, it is only causing me extreme pain, like heart attack pain. You don’t have your heart anymore, Ro, so why should I have mine? I don’t want it. I think I will sell it on the black market or something. I only want my heart if you have yours. Your is currently in a ziplock filled bag of ashes in your urn. FUCKING FUCKED UP……… I cannot even believe this. You were here, not so long ago…. and then you were just gone. Gone. Heart stopped beating, lips turned blue, feet cold as ice, body so stiff, your eyes… those insanely bright blue eyes, now a dark shade of blue. Your soul left way before your body did. I watched it happen. I’ll never get over that. How big, strong, and beautiful you looked. I must have kissed your cold lips a dozen times. I’m so sorry Ronan. I’m sorry to your Daddy, your brothers, I was supposed to fix you. Our love was supposed to get you all better. How did it not?
Ok. I’m blinded by my tears again. Have to get to sleep. I love you, Ro to the moon and back. Sweet dreams my “not Spicy” monkey boy. I love you so much. I hope you are safe.