4 Months feels like 4 Years. Thanks, Cancer. You’re AWESOME.

Ro. I can write tonight. I need to write tonight. It’s been a couple of days I think. I don’t know that I’ll be able to sleep tonight. It’s creeping up. The 9th of every month date. 3:30 a.m. will be here soon. I’ve been dreading it all week. Consumed by it. 4 months is almost here. What was I doing at this time, 4 months ago? Laying with you, while Fernanda sat and watched you so we could get some sleep together. I was cuddled up beside you, which was always my favorite place to be. I’ll bet you Fernanda was rubbing you, trying to sing, “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” but she didn’t know the words, so she had to Google them on her phone. I love that story. She watched you because she knew that I needed the rest and I wouldn’t sleep if someone wasn’t keeping their eye on you.  She knew when it was her time to go and I think she left around 2:30 a.m. She kissed us goodbye and left the two of us in the room, alone together. She knew that it was time for you to go. She knew that we needed to be alone. She knows so much. I remember watching you. Your little breaths got so shallow. I remember The Ryan House nurse standing over us and how fast my heart was beating. I looked up at her and asked if you were gone. She told me not yet, but it was going to be soon. I remember thinking how unfair it was that my heart was rapidly beating, yet yours was getting ready to stop. I kissed you all over. I told you I loved you and whispered to you, “Come on baby. Come with me. Let’s get out of this place.” I asked her to go and get your Daddy. You waited for him to come in and kiss you goodbye. Then your little heart just stopped. Just like that. I go over this night in my head, at least 10 times a day. I pray that you know how much I love you, I pray that you were not scared as I worry about that so much. I still can’t believe you are gone and that I am still here, living this life, without you.
I had a mini freak out today. Panic took over after I dropped your brothers off at school. I knew I could not go home to an empty house. I went to Starbucks and sat with my computer and went through emails and paid bills. I emailed somebody at www.spirithoods.com and told them about you and asked them if they had ever thought about donating their amazing “hoods,” to kids with Cancer. I told them how much you loved yours and how many cancer kids would comment on it, but probably couldn’t afford to buy one. I asked them to consider donating some. I actually got a response pretty quickly and I was very impressed. I’m working on them and I have a feeling they won’t let me down. Could you imagine how many smiles their Spirit Hoods would bring to the faces of kids everywhere. Hospitals are notorious for being cold. Remember how much we loved wearing ours together. You looked so cute in yours. I could have gobbled you up and am sure I tried. I miss your little face so much.

One of our favorites met me for a bit today. I was a wreck, but tried my best to remain calm. I don’t think I put on a very good show. It’s fine. I have never been one to pretend with our lovie. No reason to. I talked about how this date is hard for me every month. I tried not to cry and just listened to the words that came my way. I tried to keep an open mind and to not be angry at the fact that you are not here. Our lovie sat and told me that you are not really gone, that you are everywhere. That you will never be gone. I know this deep down, but it does not take away the pain of your physical self not being here. It does not take away the pain of not being able to hear your squeaky voice or look at your beautiful face. Our lovie asked for a smile. I refused as my smile seemed nowhere to be found today. I’ll bet you I went the whole freaking day without smiling. And I always smile for our lovie. That’s how you know it was a really, really, bad day. I know you know. I know it’s on my really bad days, that you find some way to make me feel a little happy. I found that today when I went to visit my new friend, Katie, at her boutique. Her kind heart and kick ass music playlist made me feel good. I joked with her that she must secretly have access to my iPod because I swear she always has my favorite songs playing while I am in her store. Tom Petty’s “Last Dance with Mary Jane,” was on when I was telling her that. Oh, Tom Petty…. how I love thee. And Miss Katy…. this new gorgeous girl you have put in my life, Ro. Thank you. I can tell she is going to be a big part of this new, strange, life without you. Another one of your little gifts. Thanks baby.

The rest of the day was spent in therapy. Therapy with your Daddy and than I went off to therapy alone with Sarah. I felt like my head was spinning most of the day. Than I decided that it should feel that way, as I have many hats that I am wearing right now. I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing; but it is where I’m at. You want to hear all of the hats I’m wearing? I’ll tell you.

The Maya Hat- Trying to take care of me. Whatever that means.

The Ronan Hat- Trying to connect and still trying to take care of you. It’s all I want to do.

The Mama Hat- Trying to be a good Mama to your brothers. I’m naturally a good mom, so this is not hard. But it still takes a lot more effort than it used to.

The Wife Hat- Trying to be a wife to your Daddy. Failing.

The Therapy Hat- Sarah, Dr. Rachel, Dr. Joanne, and Dr. Beth with Liam and Quinn. FUCK. That is a lot of therapy, but so necessary.

The Friend Hat- Trying. Failing. I miss my friends.

The Foundation Hat- My busy work. Trying to get everything figured out. I like this hat. It gives me HOPE that I am keeping  you alive; even though you are gone.

The Not Slitting my Wrists Hat- Want to. Everyday. Everyday I survive without doing this is a fucking miracle.

The Grieving Hat- I’m doing this. In my way, alone. Or in the presence of therapists. I’m working hard to do this. I don’t want to stuff away any pain because it will all come back to haunt me later if I do.

So baby. What do you think about all of that? That’s A LOT of stuff. Remember back in the day, when all we had to worry about was naps and grocery shopping? That life does not even seem real anymore. I feel like I’ve been living this life now, forever. What a stupid, spoiled brat I was. I’ve got a lot of making up to do for being such an ignorant human being. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. It’s fine, baby. I’m not scared. I know you are going to help me, therefore, I can do anything. Fuck You, Cancer. Right, Ro?

My new friend, Heather, also stopped by for a visit. She is the Queen of random, surprise drive-by’s. I just happened to be home and was so glad to see her face. We sat in the kitchen today and talked for awhile. She is another one of those peeps with such an amazing heart. She always seems to appear when I need  a bit of cheering up. When I need a little kick in the ass to remind me of how strong I am. She told me that she tells someone, at least once a day, that I am going to do for Childhood Cancer, what Lance Armstrong has done for Cancer in general. WOW. What a compliment. Talk about picking a girl up, when she is down. I took a minute to think about what she told me. I started to get overwhelmed, but a calmness washed over me. I think she is right. I think she is right because I have you to fight for and the strength you give me will help me change things, in a drastic way. Everything I used to be scared of, Ro…. no longer exists. I am here, on this earth, to change things for you. Because you know that you did not deserve to die, nor does any other child suffering from Cancer. Somebody has got to take this fucker down. Super Ro to the rescue!!!!! I know we can do this, little man. Heather, knows we can do this. She lit up like a little Christmas Tree when she was telling me this today. It was so stinking adorable. It was so beautiful. It was so you.

Oh, Ro. Nice song pick tonight as I was just getting to end this post. Seriously! That just got you the BIGGEST SMILE! I love you to the moon and back, baby. I hope you are safe. You are so right, this is absolutely not the end.


Tell me
Come on tell me what you can
Even as you wait for death your wiser than I am
Tell me what does it mean to exist
I am not a scientist I must believe there’s more than this
And I can not accept
That everything that’s real
Is only what our eyes can see
And our hands can feel

Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
Are just as real as the time we spent
You’ll always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end

I see
I can see you’re still afraid
Weathered like the silver moon, on you even fear looks good
I wish, I wish I had some words to give
But all that I can think to say
Is I’ll be with you everyday

Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
I just realized the time we spent
You’ll always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end

La la la la la
This is not the end
La la la l al la
This is not the end

I don’t care
I don’t care what you believe
As long as you are in my heart
You’re just as real as me
Maybe even more
Someone who’s touched so many lives
can never, ever die

Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
I just realized the time we spent
You always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end

14 thoughts on “4 Months feels like 4 Years. Thanks, Cancer. You’re AWESOME.”

  1. Maya…you are so strong. Fuck cancer is right!!! Idk if u got my comment, but I finally got my purple bracelet from hilda and I proudly wear it for you and ronan. XOXO girl…you inspire me.

  2. I think you are amazing! I check your blog every morning at work. I start my day with tears for you and your amazing beautiful boy and family! I suddenly imagined today when you were talking about breaking down, childs pose. I do not know why. I just imagine going into childs pose, letting go completely, and surrendering to your emotions. I send al of my love to you.

  3. Your are so strong. So proud of all the hard work you are doing. All our love, thoughts and prayers go out to your entire family.

  4. Maya,

    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro, Woody, Liam and Quinn.

    You will no doubt do something for childhood cancer. Your story. Ro’s story will not die.

    Love that song. The words are definitely you and Ro.

    Peace and strength!!
    Mata’s mafia. We are all here. Right behind you.
    Fu cancer!!!!


  5. Maya, I haven’t commented in a long time, but I have read every word. I just want to tell you that I am thinking of you all the time, especially on this difficult day each month. I love that you recognize what a great mom you are and that you acknowledge it. You said that you feel like you are failing as a wife and friend… I don’t know your husband or your friends, but from what you have written about them so far… It sounds as though they love you and are going to be there no matter what. It sounds like for a very long time, you have been a strong and loyal person who is there for others when they need you. Well, now it’s your turn to need to be taken care of. You are not failing them, Maya… you are just in a terrible place right now and I believe they will be there to pick up the pieces if you ever need to fall apart.

  6. Let’s take this f-er down! This whole thing is so fucking unacceptable! FU cancer! We’re going to bleep you off this planet!

  7. I love and admire your fearlessness. I’m trying to follow your example of that everyday. I think I’ll email you the rest of my thoughts. Thinking of you all day. Praying you feel Ronan more than ever…

  8. Thank you for sharing – I agree with you on so many levels (the different hats, the dates, not being afraid anymore). Parents should never outlive their children.

    I also agree with Heather – you and Ronan are making a huge impact on childhood cancer – very inspiring. Thanks again. Sending you hugs & peace. Take care.

  9. I listen to Pandora every day also and today Bryan Adams’s song “Everything I Do, I do it for you” came on. The lyrics really reminded me of you, Ro, and your everlasting love for one another. Just wanted to share. Love to you and your family. xoxo Jamie

  10. I just wanted to share this. I work for a local Health Dept and I made a really cool Childhood Cancer Awareness board this past week with gold glitter and all 😉 and put up in our lobby for the community to see as they come through our doors “Find a Cure for Childhood Cancer, the Children Are Waiting.” I am also doing a few other things to raise awareness this month. But, what was so neat, is that I had to visit all the local schools that same week and as I was walking out of the elementary school there was a lil boy about 3 walking in with his dad. I just staired at him, as he reminded me sooooo much of Ronan. I just smiled in amazement and when I got in the car I turned on the radion only to hear the song “if i die young” by The Band Perry. I know it was Ronan just giving a lil “thank you for helping.” I got chills all over my body and couldn’t quit smiling. I said out loud “your welcome sweet baby, please watch ovr your momma and give her strength.” God bless you and your family!

  11. Praying that you get one of your special signs from that precious boy of yours today! Always thinking and praying for you, Ronan, and your family. Extra hugs and love coming from Chicago to you!!

  12. My bracelets are on the way! One for the whole family. Thank you.
    I’ll always pray for peace. I can’t wait to see what I can do for the foundation. Thank you for Ronan.

  13. I came across your blog today through a random “friend” Facebook post. In the minutes before I read this I was overwhelmed with frustration that my 3 year old is taking forever to potty train and my 10 month old ALWAYS wants to be held and ONLY by me. And then I read your letter to your baby. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I’m sure I’ll stop crying soon. 🙂 It was exactly the reality check I needed about what a stupid, spoiled mom I am being. I am so sorry for your loss and pain, and I thank you for being willing to put it out there for me to learn from you.

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