Ronan. Do I usually have this hard of a time, every year, right before the holidays? I think so, but to know so, I’d have to go back and read my blogs from the past years. I’ve been doing enough reading of my blogs due to this book writing and I don’t feel like going back to read about the holiday seasons and how hard they have been for me every year since you left. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. Everything feels extra heavy, hard, sad, and the slightest things take up every ounce of energy I have just to get through the day. I have been getting through the days alright really; I suppose. That is actually a big fat lie. I’ve been a fucking mess, but hiding it pretty well. I’ve learned to become the ultimate pain hider. I have learned to be present, to smile when all I want to do is cry, to be productive when all I want to do is curl up in my bed for a week, and to throw myself into things that take a lot of work, but the work leaves me distracted. Oh, I’ve also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7.
I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. “I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.” “Why the fuck did this happen?” “I talked to George Clooney last night and I’m going to run off with him.” (inside joke, but I really did freaking talk to George Clooney thanks to one Fairy Bad Ass RoMo) And my all time favorite, “Where is Ronan and who is taking care of him?” I got sat down and talked to in the harshest but kindest way. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. “Listen, I cannot even fathom what you have gone through and will go through for the rest of your life. I hurt badly from this and I only get to feel this on a small scale compared to you. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. You don’t. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. But you are doing such amazing things and even if you can’t see it now, you are changing the world because of him and because of your pain.” I sat, listened, and fought back my tears the entire time that I was with him. I let his words soak in and lick my wounds for a while. “Tell me what I can do for you. Please.” I looked down at the floor and thought for a bit. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. He said some more things to me that I won’t repeat, but left me saying, “How do you know that? How do you know everything? Nobody knows that. Does Ronan talk to you and tell you these things?” I honestly think you do, Ronan. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. You only left me with the best and for that, I will always be thankful. I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down. She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her. I know he will keep her safe.
I’m full fledged in the middle of writing this book. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. The problem I’m facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. Go figure. I’ve been writing about your treatment, which has been hard. Reliving the things you went through, has not been fun and it’s not what I want this book to be about, so I’ve been trying to make this section, as short as possible. This book writing has left me not sleeping or eating well and may be part of the reason why I feel like I’m no the verge of a breakdown. I just keep telling myself, I’ve got to just get though this part, but it’s not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death. Fucking cancer.
As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. Your brothers are playing a slew of sports 24/7. Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football. I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. It still blows my mind that you are never there. I know for a fact that you would be playing all the sports that your brothers are and dominating in every way. You were always are mini Pat Tillman who was going to rule the world. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. She has been keeping me on my toes and the determination that I see in her eyes reminds me so much of you. My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us. I’ve been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. It’s our peaceful time to spend with you and the small time out of my day that I try to take for myself to be with my grief/plot how I’m going to take over this fucked up world. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. Sometimes all you need in life is a little Eddie Vedder to remind you of who you really are. I love that man and the concert was unreal. By far one of the best ones I’ve been to. Eddie Vedder will forever be one of my idols in life as I appreciate so much how he just lives his life the way he wants, with no apologies. He just is who he is. Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. It was a great night, to say the least. Pearl Jam ended the concert with “Keep On Rocking In The Free World,” and of course I sang along as loudly as I could while I thought of you the entire time. I miss you so much, Ro.
Time to go, little man. It’s raining like crazy here today. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
P.S. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. We have been dealing with some *cough cough* technical difficulties. It is being worked on and will be re launched soon as we also have a new foundation logo to unveil. Our seal needed a little make-over and update. I’ll keep you posted on when things are ready. Thanks as always for your love and support.