Ronan. San Diego summer is over. Our first summer without you. We are heading back to Phoenix. Time to get back to reality. Time to try to start a new life, a different life. Time to try to figure out what this is going to look like. As much as I don’t want to, I have to. This summer was a complete and total blur. I feel like I’ve done a lot of crying. A lot of thinking. A lot of nothing but just allowing myself to feel the sadness that I feel from losing you. It was a place that I needed to be in, a place that I had to allow myself to drown in for a couple of months. I am trying my best to get my mind set in a different mode. I am trying to do my best to pick up these pieces that are shattered all over the floor. As of now, I have to do this for your brothers if no one else. I hope there will come a time in my life when I will start living for myself again, but I’m still not there. I’m still jaded, guarded, numb, mad, sad, angry and scared. But I have also found that with all of this I am able to feel glimmers of love, passion, laugher, peacefulness, and happiness. If anything, being able to feel myself feeling these things again, is saving me. Saving me from drifting off into a place that I do not want to go. Ever. My fighting spirit, and your fighting spirit will keep me going. I’m not giving up on you and I am determined to make a difference in this world. I am determined to make the most of this life without you. You wouldn’t have it any other way.