No sunlight…. anymore




Ronan. Where are you? Why did you have to leave? I am missing you so much. We are home. Back to our house that is now so empty without you. Back to our life which seems so forced. Everything is lost. I’ve been going through the motions, doing all responsible things that comes with being a mommy and wife. I’ve been keeping busy with unpacking, organizing, answering phone calls,  running errands, playing with your brothers, trying to do all the normal things that are normal but do not feel that way at all. I went to the grocery store today. Quinn went with me. I haven’t been to our store since the last time I took you. You were so sick and you sat in the cart with your little hat on. You fought me on leaving because you wanted me to buy you a new toy. I couldn’t say no. I remember being so worried about taking you to the grocery store as I was exposing you to germs. I remember how I careful I was to make sure I disinfected your hands as I was so grateful to just have you with me, out and about. I swear I could hear you little voice in that store today. I was doing o.k. until I was at the Deli Counter. I remembered waiting in that exact same spot with you a few months ago. It was there that the tears started and I tried to fight them back as the girl behind the counter took my order. It didn’t work. I cried the rest of the time as everything in the grocery store, reminded me of you. Quinn noticed of course. As I was getting the milk I heard him go, “Are you o.k, mom?” I smiled and lied to his face and  told him I was. I was not. I somehow managed to pull it together as it took everything I had not to abandon our cart and run out of that place today. I now loathe the grocery store. I used to love everything about it, but now everything in there just makes me sad and nervous. It all seems so overwhelming. I wanted so badly to be pushing you in that stupid, germy, little car grocery store cart that used to make me cringe. I wanted so badly to be that mom that would have been worried about you catching a cold from all the germs on that dirty thing. I’ll never get to be that mom with you again. I cannot believe you are really not here. I can’t believe I’ll never get to take you to the grocery store again with me. I can’t believe I’ll never get to chase you up and down the aisles because you refused to sit in the cart. My entire life, I’ve never really known what true pain feels like but now, I feel like it’s the only thing I’ve ever felt before in my life. My world, without you, is painful every second of the day. Even while I sleep. I wake up sad, spend my days sad, go to sleep sad. I’m trying but I cannot escape the pain I feel, no matter how amazing your daddy is being, how beautiful your brothers are….. nothing can take away my sadness.

Yesterday, somebody asked me how many kids I had. I was out, trying to do some normal things. A girl was trying to make small talk with me. She asked if I was a teacher and I told her that I was just a mom. She asked how many kids I had. I told her I had twin boys that were 8, and I had another son who was almost four, that just passed away. I could hardly choke out the words and I just sat cried as I tried to tell her a little bit about you. I guess I wasn’t prepared for that question, or the emotions it was going to flood me with. I tried so hard to be strong and be so thankful for  the time that I got to have while you were here. All I could do was sob. I came home and cried some more. Every time I’m out, I cry. I feel like a walking waterfall. I have been going into your room a lot. I like to lay on your bed and cry there, snuggled up with all of your stuffed animals. Your sock monkeys, your Master Yoda‘s, your Julius.

Quinn usually follows right behind me. Last night when I was crying on your bed, he read me a story. He is still not wanting to leave my side. He helped me with all of the laundry tonight, he sat outside with me while we watched the monsoons, and now, he is laying right by me playing on his iPad. Oh Ro. He misses you so much. You two were joined at the hip. I watch him when he doesn’t think I am and I can see him looking for you, wanting to play with you, wanting to wrestle you, and I feel like he expects to walk into your room and see you there. Liam on the other hand is so independent. He has been spending a lot of time outside, playing on his rocks, talking to himself, playing in your room, with your toys, like you are still here playing with him. I am able to go into your room now. After I came home the first time, alone, and spent a lot of time in there….. I can do it now. I spend a lot of time crying on your bed. Your room is still my favorite room in our house. It always has been. Even before you got sick. I find if I need to breakdown, your room is the place I like to go. I feel safe in there. I want to keep it just the way it is for a long time. I like to sit in there and talk to you and remember all of the fun times we had in that room. Your daddy likes to sit in there and play his guitar and sing to you. We will not be changing it anytime soon. It needs to stay that way until we all feel like we are ready to change it.

I don’t have my week planned out. I have some plans tomorrow, some things that need to get done with your brothers, but I cannot plan anything out for as far as what the rest of our week will look like. That’s too much for me. I am just hoping to get a lot of things done, one day at a time. I cannot bear to think what a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday will look like yet. I am such a planner, so this is hard for me. But I also know the feeling of being totally overwhelmed and I never know if I am even going to be able to get out of bed in the mornings to get my shit done. One day at a time works for me, as of now. I can’t ask too much more of myself at this point. I told you I was starting Boot Camp tomorrow, Ro. Remember when I would have to put you in bed with Daddy so I could sneak out at 5 a.m. to go? I was always so worried you would wake up and be so upset I was gone. Sometimes I would come home and you’d still be asleep. Most mornings, you would be cuddled up with your daddy, watching cartoons, waiting for me. It’s going to be so strange to walk out of this house tomorrow morning, without having to worry about you staying asleep. I told you if I don’t go to boot camp, I’m afraid I won’t wake up in the mornings. Today, everybody in our house, slept in until 11 a.m. That is MADNESS! I haven’t done that since college! It felt weird and it made me so depressed. We were all so used to you waking us up in the mornings, demanding your eggies and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. With just the 4 of us, nothing is complicated, your brothers are so easy, such good helpers, such hard workers,….. we are all missing the spice in our life that came in the form of you. Life without you is depressing, Ronan. Dull. Stupid. Boring. Sad. You were everything to all 4 of us. EVERYTHING. Now we are back to square one. Back to routines, homework, school, family dinners, but you’re not here. You’re not here to help me cook, you’re not here to make messes for me to clean up. It’s just me while your brothers are at school. I don’t get to hear you screaming for “Guy’s Helmets!” because you wanted the correct Star Wars Helmets on the correct guys. I don’t get to tell you that you are driving me crazy because you are taking off all of your guys’ heads and they are all unorganized. We not longer get to have helmet hunting parties. What am I going to do without you????????

I cannot even think about this right now. I’m bawling and I have to get to sleep so I can get my ass out of bed and be productive. Come with me to boot camp in the morning, Ro. I’m sure Tammy would be fine with it now:) I love you little man. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby boy.



7 thoughts on “No sunlight…. anymore”

  1. I cried uncontrollably when I first read of Ronan’s passing. I started following him because of Charisma Carpenter and her campaign to heighten people’s awareness of children’s cancer. She certainly is someone I’d want in my corner too. You have all of my sympathy. All I can say is continue to take it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. You will get through your life, if only for Ronan.

  2. I was checking my email before bed and was pleasantly surprised to see you had already posted since you’re not on beach time anymore ;). I’m sorry things have been so tough since coming home…praying that tomorrow feels better after a little boot camp wake up call. You are making progress everyday, even though you may not always see it, those of us who read your posts do. Sometimes one step forward and two steps back is just enough, cause cause you are still headed in the right direction. xoxo

  3. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be inserted back into a world that was once so saturated with Ronan. You and your family are still in our prayers. I have mentioned it before but, my good friend received a lot of support from the MISS Foundation. I think that group saved her during her darkest hours. You are so blessed to be surrounded by the most amazing people…but if there is ever a point when you still feel so alone, call MISS.
    You are anamzing Momma, Ronan is beyond proud of you.

  4. Hope boot camp went well today. You and your entire family are always in our thoughts and prayers. All our love to your entire family.

  5. Maya,

    I hope you were able to release some of your anxiety at boot camp!?
    Remember, baby steps… one hour at a time…
    Rockstar Ronan is right there besides you.
    My heart aches for you… big hugs… xxoo

  6. Maya,
    I have written a few times….I just cannot imagine what you are going through. I actually have tried to picture my son being gone from my life and I get to about one minute, start crying and have to stop. I wish you could do that and it would no longer be true.

    I don’t know how a person goes on with their “normal” life when such a big piece is so obviously missing. I know people compare deaths of other loved ones to your loss, but I just really get irritated by it because it cannot be remotely the same. I lost my dad very young and it was traumatic, but there is no way that his loss could ever be as hard as yours. It is just not the natural order of things. It’s just now how it is supposed to work. I feel sad for you every single day and just wish there was something to take it all away for you.

    Based on your last couple of posts, it seems like you are really starting your grieving now that you are home. Not that you have not been while you were away, but maybe it was a sort of an alternate life to help you cope. I don’t really know.

    I share your Ronan’s story with everybody I can just hoping to raise awareness. I’m still working on Bethenney Frankel too!

    Take care-

  7. Maya,

    I am ashamed to say that I used to think I had it tough. Two little sisters, a mom who likes to nag me, a dad who payed more attention to the other girls. I used to be angry at them all the time. I love them so much, but I used to spend most of my time ticked off by one of them. Then I heard about you via the amazing Taylor Swift. Once I heard her song, my curiosity about this ‘Ronan’ grew. All I knew was that a baby angel had lost a war. It made me cry. When I learned that Taylor hadn’t even known Ro, I was amazed and in shock. How did she find out about him? That led me to you.

    I think about you constantly, and go back to days like the Royal Wedding. I was in fifth grade, and me and my girlfriends had made our teacher let us skip class to watch it. I felt so in control when he said yes. I missed two whole hours of schoolwork. I was so happy. Then I read your post when you mentioned the wedding, and how mad you were with it. I immediately made that connection and started crying. If only I had known about your Ro then, I would have been thinking about him, as I do almost 24/7 now. Honest.

    Ronan is now my light in darkness. Lately I have become obsessed with your blog. I think I’ll ask for a donation to Ro’s foundation for Christmas. If I don’t get any, I’ll do it myself. When I was seven, my hair was really long, and it really needed to be cut. My seven-year-old mind vaguely remembered something my mom had said about donating hair. I decided that I wanted to do that. I was so proud of doing it, and I got a couple of my friends to do it too. I actually just did it again. I will always have a place in my heart for cancer donations and awareness.

    I know two things already about what I am about to say: A) Many people have told you this before. B) You will not like this. I’ll say it anyway.I am never, EVER going to force anyone to have faith in God. But everyone should give Him a chance. God did not need another angel, nor did he feel like You were a good family to be stolen from. I think that He thought that Ronan was too pure and peaceful and beautiful for this world. You will probably hate me for saying that, but I believe that God is good. You can believe what you want, but I know that God loves you, and me, and everyone. The very thought of me growing up and losing a child makes my heart crumple, but this is what I believe. Please give Him one more chance. You deserve it.

    I am so sorry to be boring you so, but I just feel so comfortable telling you this. I think it’s because you shared your story with me, and the world. If you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you a bit more about my family. My youngest sister, Juliet, who is seven, can be a real pain. She pokes me, and bothers me. My ten year old sister, Sophie, comes into my room without permission, she complains, and argues. My mom seems to enjoy joking about a B being a bad grade for an extended student. My dad pays more attention to Juliet and Sophie. But I love them. Even more now, now that I have read your blog. My family, especially Juliet, can be a pain sometimes, but they’re MY pain, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    One more thing: Last week, I was petting my baby rabbit, Zeus, and I had a strange thought. Zeus is my version of your baby Ro. I swear, Zeus is a little boy trapped inside a rabbit’s body. He acts crazy and funny sometimes, and I always laugh, even when scolding him. Other times, he just curls up with me for a while. Now, sometimes, I call him Ro Bunny, just to feel close to Ronan. For now he’s my baby boy.

    Thanks for reading this! Sending prayers to you tonight! Love, Isabelle

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