Run Like A Rockstar!

 

 

 

The Ronan Thompson Foundation is one of the official charities for the P.F. Changs Marathon in Phoenix, Arizona. Do you want to run for a great cause? All the information you need to sign up is below, just click on the link. I know you have it in you! If kids can fight cancer, anyone can run a half or full marathon! So get after it, peeps!

xoxo

http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/node/257

Rock it for Ronan!

 

 

Life is suffering

 

 

 

Ronan. San Diego summer is over. Our first summer without you. We are heading back to Phoenix. Time to get back to reality. Time to try to start a new life, a different life. Time to try to figure out what this is going to look like. As much as I don’t want to, I have to. This summer was a complete and total blur. I feel like I’ve done a lot of crying. A lot of thinking. A lot of nothing but just allowing myself to feel the sadness that I feel from losing you. It was a place that I needed to be in, a place that I had to allow myself to drown in for a couple of months. I am trying my best to get my mind set in a different mode. I am trying to do my best to pick up these pieces that are shattered all over the floor. As of now, I have to do this for your brothers if no one else. I hope there will come a time in my life when I will start living for myself again, but I’m still not there. I’m still jaded, guarded, numb, mad, sad, angry and scared. But I have also found that with all of this I am able to feel glimmers of love, passion, laugher, peacefulness, and happiness. If anything, being able to feel myself feeling these things again, is saving me. Saving me from drifting off into a place that I do not want to go. Ever. My fighting spirit, and your fighting spirit will keep me going. I’m not giving up on you and I am determined to make a difference in this world. I am determined to make the most of this life without you. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

I met about a dozen beautiful people this summer who have been so touched by you and who are willing to help me with whatever I need to help make a difference. They all inspire me and I truly believe they will be behind me on this journey. I cannot wait to see the beauty that comes out of all of this love. I’ve taken the time to really soak up some things that have been said to me, but by one person particular. One person who knows truly knows the pain of losing a child. This one person who took the time to let me in, no questions asked. Who took the time to let me cuss, cry, to question and second guess everything; but somehow managed to shine a positive outcome on every fucked up thing that came out of my mouth. Normally, I would have thought this all to be bullshit, but this person doesn’t work this way. This person has shown me that I really do have two choices. To crawl up and die or to continue to fight and relearn how to live my life in a way that makes me happy. Full of passion, strength, happiness, light and love. I’m not going to fight the days that I do want to crawl up and die, because I know that I will have them. I am going to continue to be true to myself and I know how quickly everything can change, but I know that i do want to go on. I do want a life. I truly do have so many people to go on for. So many people who I want to make proud, so many people who I want to help, so many people who I want to make realize what really is important in life.
I don’t know what the future holds and I so used to think I had it all figured out. I remember the way your daddy and I would talk about our perfect life and the perfect picture we had mapped out. It’s been really hard to watch everything we thought was true, be completely ripped to shreds. Out of all the cliché sayings in life, the one that now holds the most meaning  to me is to live everyday to the fullest because as I have now learned, life can be over in the blink of an eye. It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. As much as I hate to say this, life is suffering. As much as I am angry at what has happened to us, the fact of the matter is, it has happened and no amount of anger, sadness, and bitterness is going to bring you back. Our outcome, our life of losing you, will never change. I have no control of that but I do have a little control over the way I choose to live my life now. I don’t want to be “the mom,” who lost you and who let it destroy everything. I don’t want to be looked at as “the mom,” who can’t survive this. I want to be looked at as the mirror image of you, someone who possessed such strength and love. Who took on the world with such fire and passion and who never gave up. I’m not done with this world as I have too much to fight for.
I once had Mr. Sparkly Eyes tell me that one of the things about me, that left him the most curious, is the way I seem to live the life of half child and half adult. I thought about this for a minute, and I didn’t argue or take offense to it. I simply looked at him and told him, I had always been that way. I feel like you were me in every part of this way. And now I am you. We are one. I like the innocence and wisdom the we both possess and I truly do feel like we have lived this life before, together, in the way that I feel like you were mine for a hundred years even though your time on this earth was so short. I don’t want my innocence to be lost in all of this but I now know that it is going to take on a different meaning in my life. I feel like I was put here on this earth to be more than what I am. I feel like you will help me to achieve this as there is now a fire that burns inside of me even as I sleep. I know nothing is going to get done in this world by hiding under the covers. I’m not completely ready to face the world, but I feel a little more ready than I felt a couple of weeks ago.
Ronan. I wrote all of that in the car while we were driving home. I blasted the music that would make me the happiest (Britney, of course) on my headphones. I tried to keep the tears to a minimum as I clutched your blanket so hard that my fingers turned blue as we drove past PCH. I swear I saw the two of us, in the old hospital building, on the 6th Floor staring out the windows like we used to do to watch all of the busy people going by. I started to bawl. I would give anything to be back in that hospital with you. I felt like pounding on my window and jumping out of the car to run up to the 6th floor just to see if you were really there. I didn’t. I stuffed my tears into your blanket instead and sniffed it to see how it smelled. Fresh and clean, just how you loved it after I would wash and dry it. You would sniff it in and take you fingers and rub them back and forth on your blanket while holding it up to your face. I cried for all of the other babies in there too. I no longer get to drive past and only think about how pretty the colors and lights are. What a fool I was. What a selfish, unaware person I was. I’ll never be that way again.
We made it home. I’m more of a wreck than I thought I would be. Crying everywhere. In my room. Holding your ashes. In your room, on your bed. Looking at your little easel that you had taken pen on and colored all over the chalkboard part of it, instead of using chalk. That will be your last drawing on that easel. I’m going to save it forever. My head is spinning at looking at all of your stuffed animals you slept with in your bed. I just want to lay there with them forever. I had to take my Ambien. I have to pass out because all of this is too much right now. I thought I was going to be able to do this, but was I fooling myself? I feel back I’m right back to where I started and the pain may feel even worse. I need to go to sleep, Ro. Before I start writing crazy shit on here. Before I start to go off on the whole God and Devil thing. Before I start to go off on the person who told me I won’t see you if I don’t believe in God. Fuck that shit. I’ll save this rant of mine for later. I had a pretty positive day, until now. Now, it’s time to go into my dreamless sleep. Maybe in your bed, with your things surrounding me.
We are home. But it will never be home sweet home, again. I love you Ronan. My heart hurts. My head hurts. My fingers hurt. My eyes hurt. Everything hurts knowing that you are not here. I love you, little man. I love you to the moon and back and I hope you are safe. G’nite baby.
xoxo

The sweetness of simplicity

Hello my friends. I’ve been hiding from you too… hence my writing to just Ronan; which I will continue to do as it feels good to me. But I still want to write to you as well. I wish I could tell you things are better; but they are not. I wish I could tell you that we are learning to come to terms with all of this; but we are not. I know this is still all fresh and new and I imagine it will be years before we will learn what happiness feels like again. I know that the absence from Ronan will always remain in our hearts, in our minds, and in our souls. That will never go away. I am doing the best I can do; today. That could all change tomorrow. I can tell you that I didn’t end up in a mental institution like I had suspected I would. I can tell you that I didn’t blow my head off with a gun, like I have dreamed of. I can tell you that both of those things won’t happen because that to me feels too selfish and that right there will prove that cancer has completely won and I won’t let that happen. I won’t do that to Ronan, to Liam, to Quinn, or to Woody. Or to any of you. I can tell you that I am still here and one of the hugest reasons is to keep Ronan’s memory alive. I have a big job ahead of me and although I am not ready to fully embrace it yet; the time will come when I can and I will. I would like to hide out for a little while longer. I am taking a break from the everyday things and embracing the love from my husband and twins. It’s been hard. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I am having to learn to feel the love from my twins again. Not that it ever went anywhere, but when I was taking care of Ronan I was with him 24 hours a day, for 8 months and fully submerged in his world. The bond that came out of that is something that I will never feel again. Our relationship formed into something so much deeper than anything I have ever known or will ever know again. Our relationship was filled with a love so deep, so painful, so raw, so heartwrenching, that it went to a whole different level. And I know that I love my twins just as much as Ronan and I would have fought just as hard for them, but the fact of the matter is I didn’t have to. I went through this with Ronan and in 8 months I gave him every ounce of love that I had. It was intense and exhausting and I wish this would have a different outcome. I wish I didn’t have to pour everything I had into him just to have him leave here. I was prepared to give him everything I had for the rest of my life. But instead I had to give him everything I had, for the rest of his little life. And his life was cut way too short, way too fast. All of this leaves me feeling empty, lost, and extremely sad. I know I have to go on, that I have a purpose in life, but it does not feel that way at this moment. After 8 months of fighting, I am now left with nothing. The fighting is gone, Ronan is gone, and the quietness and calmness that is seeping in is not welcomed. I don’t want it, I don’t want to embrace it. I just want Ronan. I know that he is not going to come back, at least in the way he was before his death. So, I am going to have to learn to live a life again without him. I am going to have to work to rebuild our family. I know this is not going to happen overnight. Everyday for us is going to be a struggle. But I also know that my actions and the way I handle all of this is going to have a huge impact on how we get through this. So, I am going to take a little break from Phoenix. I am going to throw myself into the world of Liam and Quinn. I am going to love them with everything I have and Ronan is going to help me do this. I know he misses them almost as much as he misses me.

I’ll never forget at Ronan’s service when one of Ronan’s doctors, Dr. Wood, came up to me and hugged me. He then looked at me and said, “Please give those 2 boys the best life possible. They deserve it.” I made him a promise I would. I’m not going to let him down or my twins down. I will continue to be the best mom I can to them. I made a huge promise to Dr. Maze too. He is asking a lot and at one point I told him I could not promise the things he was asking of me. But today, I feel differently about it. I feel like I can maybe come through with what he is asking of me. After all he has done for Ronan, I am having a hard time ignoring what he wants. I am going to take these next few weeks and work really hard on some things for him. I told him that when I come back, I will try to be stronger because the way I left him, was awful. Awful in the way that I could not even drive myself home because I had to sit in my car and bawl for an hour as I did not want to go on. I somehow managed to drive myself home through all of my tears and anger. I somehow managed to let Ronan’s little voice guide me and listened to him tell me how I cannot give up so easily. I know he does not want to see me yet; he needs me to help save our family and to help raises awareness for the sickening disease that stole his life. Even though he is gone; he still needs me just as much as before. Even though he is still gone, when some stranger asks me how many children I have; I will always say 3. We will never go back to being a family of 4 again. We talk about Ronan everyday as if he is still here. That will never change.

Yesterday, I spent the day with Liam, Quinn, and Woody. Despite Ronan being gone; there was a lot of laughing from the twins. They are as happy as can be and I know a big part of that is all the time they have been having with Woody and I. Their happiness is so simple. It is because we are together, as a family, enjoying the laziness of summer. As painful as it is for me, I can tell it is a little healing as well. I’ve missed my buddies. They are such amazing little boys who have been robbed of so much. It’s time to slowly make things up to them. One day at a time. I am so thankful for them because I know without them, I would not be here. That I can guarantee. But they are here and they are the most beautiful little boys who love me so much. Who love Ronan so much.

Alright my friends whom I’ve missed so much. Time to go and enjoy my little men today. Blessings and love to you all.

xoxo

We miss you, Ronan.

What else do you have for us, world???

I’ve done so well these past few days. Enjoying Ronan feeling better, enjoying Quinn, enjoying Woody, just living life being so thankful for what we have in the here and now…. trying not to worry about the future or what tomorrow may hold. Living in the present, in the moment, and nowhere else. It’s days like today that I am overcome with sadness. It’s days like today where the tears won’t stop. Some days, it’s too much for me to watch Ronan hurt. His screams and tears become unbearable. His suffering rips my heart out to the core. Yesterday, while our nurse, Julia, was flushing one of Ronan’s Broviac lines, it broke. Which means it has become too weak from too much wear and tear, which is not uncommon. She quickly clamped it off and called in another nurse to call the “Green Team,” which is the code name for Dr. La Quaglia and his helpers. He came to see us and decided that Ronan needed a new access system put in. They decided to put in a temporary line for now and in a few weeks Ro will either get another Broviac or a Mediport. Regardless, Ronan had to be put under anesthesia today and Dr. La Quaglia took out the Broviac on the right side of his chest and put in a new, temporary line in the left side of his chest. Ronan woke up pissed…. more so than normal. We went back to our room and soon an escort came to take us downstairs to floor 2 for an x-ray to make sure his line was properly placed. I could not get Ronan calmed down. The new temporary line was all bloody and he kept trying to rip it out. He screamed and cried for a good hour while I held him and let him hit me and listened to him tell me he hates me. He was screaming that his new port hurt and he wanted it out. There was nothing I could do but sit, hold him, and try my best to calm him down. I had Woody call a doctor and nurse down to come and  look at his new line, as the blood was worrying me. Soon they took us back for his X-ray and I sat him on the table while he was still screaming and saying it burned. The technician let me stay in the room and somehow I actually managed to get him to hold still for the picture. I was bawling the entire time. After his x-rays, a doctor and a couple of nurses came in to make sure there was nothing out of the ordinary going on. The blood had stopped and they changed the dressing and cleaned him up. I asked the doctor all the usual questions…. if this was normal, why is there so much blood, why is he is so much pain, etc. They explained everything to me and ended up making me feel better. By this time, Ronan was exhausted and as they wheeled us back up to the 9th floor, he had finally calmed down and he gave in and let his little limp body rest on me. I held him tight, rubbed his back as we were wheeled into an elevator full of people. An elevator full of people whose eyes were on us the entire time as I sat and let the tears pour down my cheeks because I don’t care and I cannot stop them today. Today, has not been a good day. Watching Ronan and all he is having to go through becomes unbearable at times…. no matter how strong I am trying to be. We are not getting out of here anytime soon. Woody thinks maybe Monday. This chemo has done a number on his ANC counts and has wiped him out. I’m sad for Quinn who only wants to be with Ronan and vise versa. The main reason for keeping Quinn here was to spend time with Ro and that has hardly happened. He asks me 10 times a day when Ronan can be released from the hospital. I am going to be heartbroken if it is not until Monday and Quinn has to go back to Phoenix without spending much time with Ro. So not fair.

Ronan is sleeping now and they have him hooked up to a morphine drip to help with the pain of his new line. I hope he wakes up not so upset about the new foreign object in his body. He has every right to be upset, mad, scared, confused. None of this makes any sense to him and I don’t blame him for being angry at the world. I am trying my hardest to be so very strong for him and to explain all of this to him in a way that makes a little sense to his young mind. It is all I can do today to not crawl up in a corner somewhere as I feel so tired and sad. I miss my support system back at home so much. They give me so much strength and love and not being surrounded by our dear friends and family has been harder than I expected.

Alright my sweethearts. This is all the update I can muster up the energy for today. Lots of love to you always. Thanks for checking on us and also a big thank you for all the people who have responded to donating blood and platelets. Means the WORLD to me. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I love you all so very much.

xoxo