The sweetness of simplicity


Hello my friends. I’ve been hiding from you too… hence my writing to just Ronan; which I will continue to do as it feels good to me. But I still want to write to you as well. I wish I could tell you things are better; but they are not. I wish I could tell you that we are learning to come to terms with all of this; but we are not. I know this is still all fresh and new and I imagine it will be years before we will learn what happiness feels like again. I know that the absence from Ronan will always remain in our hearts, in our minds, and in our souls. That will never go away. I am doing the best I can do; today. That could all change tomorrow. I can tell you that I didn’t end up in a mental institution like I had suspected I would. I can tell you that I didn’t blow my head off with a gun, like I have dreamed of. I can tell you that both of those things won’t happen because that to me feels too selfish and that right there will prove that cancer has completely won and I won’t let that happen. I won’t do that to Ronan, to Liam, to Quinn, or to Woody. Or to any of you. I can tell you that I am still here and one of the hugest reasons is to keep Ronan’s memory alive. I have a big job ahead of me and although I am not ready to fully embrace it yet; the time will come when I can and I will. I would like to hide out for a little while longer. I am taking a break from the everyday things and embracing the love from my husband and twins. It’s been hard. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I am having to learn to feel the love from my twins again. Not that it ever went anywhere, but when I was taking care of Ronan I was with him 24 hours a day, for 8 months and fully submerged in his world. The bond that came out of that is something that I will never feel again. Our relationship formed into something so much deeper than anything I have ever known or will ever know again. Our relationship was filled with a love so deep, so painful, so raw, so heartwrenching, that it went to a whole different level. And I know that I love my twins just as much as Ronan and I would have fought just as hard for them, but the fact of the matter is I didn’t have to. I went through this with Ronan and in 8 months I gave him every ounce of love that I had. It was intense and exhausting and I wish this would have a different outcome. I wish I didn’t have to pour everything I had into him just to have him leave here. I was prepared to give him everything I had for the rest of my life. But instead I had to give him everything I had, for the rest of his little life. And his life was cut way too short, way too fast. All of this leaves me feeling empty, lost, and extremely sad. I know I have to go on, that I have a purpose in life, but it does not feel that way at this moment. After 8 months of fighting, I am now left with nothing. The fighting is gone, Ronan is gone, and the quietness and calmness that is seeping in is not welcomed. I don’t want it, I don’t want to embrace it. I just want Ronan. I know that he is not going to come back, at least in the way he was before his death. So, I am going to have to learn to live a life again without him. I am going to have to work to rebuild our family. I know this is not going to happen overnight. Everyday for us is going to be a struggle. But I also know that my actions and the way I handle all of this is going to have a huge impact on how we get through this. So, I am going to take a little break from Phoenix. I am going to throw myself into the world of Liam and Quinn. I am going to love them with everything I have and Ronan is going to help me do this. I know he misses them almost as much as he misses me.

I’ll never forget at Ronan’s service when one of Ronan’s doctors, Dr. Wood, came up to me and hugged me. He then looked at me and said, “Please give those 2 boys the best life possible. They deserve it.” I made him a promise I would. I’m not going to let him down or my twins down. I will continue to be the best mom I can to them. I made a huge promise to Dr. Maze too. He is asking a lot and at one point I told him I could not promise the things he was asking of me. But today, I feel differently about it. I feel like I can maybe come through with what he is asking of me. After all he has done for Ronan, I am having a hard time ignoring what he wants. I am going to take these next few weeks and work really hard on some things for him. I told him that when I come back, I will try to be stronger because the way I left him, was awful. Awful in the way that I could not even drive myself home because I had to sit in my car and bawl for an hour as I did not want to go on. I somehow managed to drive myself home through all of my tears and anger. I somehow managed to let Ronan’s little voice guide me and listened to him tell me how I cannot give up so easily. I know he does not want to see me yet; he needs me to help save our family and to help raises awareness for the sickening disease that stole his life. Even though he is gone; he still needs me just as much as before. Even though he is still gone, when some stranger asks me how many children I have; I will always say 3. We will never go back to being a family of 4 again. We talk about Ronan everyday as if he is still here. That will never change.

Yesterday, I spent the day with Liam, Quinn, and Woody. Despite Ronan being gone; there was a lot of laughing from the twins. They are as happy as can be and I know a big part of that is all the time they have been having with Woody and I. Their happiness is so simple. It is because we are together, as a family, enjoying the laziness of summer. As painful as it is for me, I can tell it is a little healing as well. I’ve missed my buddies. They are such amazing little boys who have been robbed of so much. It’s time to slowly make things up to them. One day at a time. I am so thankful for them because I know without them, I would not be here. That I can guarantee. But they are here and they are the most beautiful little boys who love me so much. Who love Ronan so much.

Alright my friends whom I’ve missed so much. Time to go and enjoy my little men today. Blessings and love to you all.

xoxo

We miss you, Ronan.

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40 thoughts on “The sweetness of simplicity

  1. Stacey

    More tears… more love being sent your way. Not sure why, but I went to look at Ronan’s You Tube video today, even before you posted. He’s captured the eyes and ears of the world – in numbers that grow exponentially, every day.

    Powerful little man you have there… then, now and forever.

    Thinking of you and your family daily.

    All my best,
    Stacey

  2. Laura

    So glad you are going and just being family and together. Those boys will help you slowly heal. Take it one day at a time. Try to just find some joy in those boys beautiful faces. All our love to your entire family.

  3. Michelle

    wow. I am consistently in awe of the strength you display and can find in yourself. The boys are so lucky to have you. Please know that even when you are “hiding” you are still doing so much. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear Ronan’s name from someone or hear about this awful illness. You have already made a huge impact on awareness and touched people in ways you may never know.

  4. Cheryl

    Maya, so happy to hear from you. Sounds to me your doing better and planning on having a good summer with your family. I continue my prayers and am hoping for only the best for you. xoxo

  5. Christina

    You are very very incredible and inspiring to me. I feel that you are really a force to be reckoned with. Even though I don’t know you personally, I wish I could give you a hug, or even a little smile of encouragement. Enjoy your family time. ❤

  6. mallory

    sweet maya,
    you and your wonderful family are in my thoughts at all times. even though i never met him, i miss ronan, too. with so much love from kansas.

  7. Glenda

    Maya.. you have a way with your words. You have captured so many as has Rockstar Ronan.

    You will always have the hole in your heart and soul that belongs only to Ronan. That hole no one else can ever come close to filling. Ronan will forever be a part of your family.

    Try to enjoy your time with the boys as Ronan would want you to have a good time and be happy.

    I will be at the The Brightest Star in the Sky Silent Auction and I’ll be here in the future when you need help / volunteers for anything that you are involved in to bring awareness and a cure for childhood cancer.

    Peace and strength to you, Woody, Liam and Quinn.
    Thinking of your beautiful blue eyed boy… Rockstar Ro!
    xo

  8. Dorene Plampin

    Maya, so good to have you re-connect with us and with
    your family. I think of you so often. Sending a lot of love
    to all of you. D

  9. Sandra Foutz

    The void without Ronan is overwhelming and loud, I’m sure. Please heal. Heal your husband and your boys. Heal your family. That will heal you as much as even possible. Because cancer doesn’t get the last word. Hide out as long as needed. Fuck Cancer. One bad word deserves another….

  10. SUSAN

    Hi, I’ve been following your story for a while now and was so sad the day you lost Ronan. I have been praying for your family. Thank you for sharing with us so honestly. I can not even imagine the magnitude of your pain. I breathed a sigh of relief today as I read your post. I was worried about you. Funny, how that happens being concerned about someone so far away that you have never met. It sounds like you have an awesome support system in place. Please know that there are many of us out here thinking about you, wishing we could make this easier on you (not sure if that is even possible). I am covering you and your family in prayer. One step at a time, one second at a time.

    Hug, Susan

  11. Jamie

    I am sorry for your loss. A parent who has a child waiting for them on the other side carries a special seed of eternity in their heart. As you ache for the life beyond this one, I pray that you will find strength and comfort in God to finish your journey in this one.

    “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

  12. dawn

    You are an amazing women, mother, wife and friend….dont you let anyone tell you different. You are entitled to feel, do, say what you want.
    Not a moment goes by that I do not think of Ronan and your family….I will stand by your side in anything you choose to do to keep Ronans story alive in everyone.

  13. KT

    I LOVE THAT PICTURE!!!!! Thinking of you
    always. Enjoy your precious boys!!! I hope you
    drive with the windows down, walk barefoot
    through the sand, and get ice cream every night.
    BIG HUGS!!!
    xoxoxoxo

  14. Raquel

    This road will be one of the hardest you will ever have to travel. Take as long of a break as you need. Hide for as long as you want. Keep writing to Ronan. But always stick together. Love those boys, love your husband, and keep Ro in your heart forever. I know you will keep fighting for him. He knows it. And he’s missing all of you as much as you miss him.

    I truly believe that you all WILL see him again. And it will be as if you were never apart. Please remember that. I know it may not bring you comfort right now, but I hope that one day it does. Even if it’s just a little bit.

    Lots of love and prayers for you and your family from Texas.

  15. Maureen

    I think of you and you family a million times a day. I will continue to pray for peace and healing, always. I can’t wait to hear about the wonderful things you are going to do and how all of us can help in this great cause. He is the brightest star in the sky.
    Peace.

  16. Katie R

    Maya –

    I was telling my husband about your blogs. He asked why I was reading them if they made me feel sad. I told him that you and Ronan touched me in a way that I felt I “needed” to read them….like in the same way we need food and water. Your writings have brought so much to my life – you and Ronan have touched many lives. Ronan is special and will always be special. Please be gentle to yourself. Take baby steps. Hug your twins and Woody tight and hard and long.
    We don’t know each other but sending hugs, thoughts and prayers your way!! And always thinking of Ronan!

  17. Lea

    Hi Maya,
    My daughter, Chyanne, today at school decorated a luminario bag for Ronan to be carried in The Relay for Life. She donated her allowance to make a bag in his honor. Ill in box you the pictures of her art work. Thanks for posting to us. You take care of yourself.

    Lea

  18. Julie

    (^_^) baby steps will take you the distance…we’re here running by your side…You are carrying the torch

  19. Lea

    Hi Maya,
    My daughter, Chyanne, today at school decorated a luminario bag for Ronan to be carried in The Relay for Life. She was so exited.tio do this on his honor. Ill in box you the pictures of her art work. Thanks for posting to us. You take care of yourself!

    Lea

    1. Lea

      I apologize this posted 2x…crazy cell phones… I sent a couple pictures to your email. I hope you’re headed to the ocean….it always brings a stillness tio the soul. Take care.

  20. Paula

    Maya with every post you amaze me more.

    You will win this fight and because of you everyone will know of this God awful disease. You will change peoples lifes.

    I don’t know you, I have never met you and but you have and your beautiful boy have changed mine.

    Lots of love all the way from Scotland xx

  21. sara

    Maya, I am so inspired by you. I hope you have a beautiful summer, and have lots of time together to reconnect. You amaze me, and have touched my family deeply. Lots of love, Sara.

  22. MT

    One of these days I will learn not to read your blog while Im at work! Tears fill my eyes and I fight back tears. Maya I do not know you or your wonderful family, but please know there are strangers here who support you. From my family to yours, nothing but love and compassion. You are amazing

  23. Kate

    no words, just sending hugs and support. too heartbreaking to even respond other than to let you know i hear you and i couldn’t be more sorry…..xoxoxoxo

  24. Dawn

    I read today’s post and am so glad it was a better day for you. Yesterday’s post left my heart aching for you all day, wishing there was something, anything I could do to take away an ounce of your pain. I only ‘know’ you on here, but you truly are the strongest person I have ever ‘met’.
    Continuing to send you all my love and prayers!

  25. Brandie

    Maya,
    I read a post of yours that a friend on facebook posted to their wall a couple of days ago, I immediately went to the very first post that you wrote and could not stop reading until I had read the very last one. I have been touched beyond words. I find myself crying throughout the day just thinking of Ronan and the pain that your family is feeling right now. I lost my mother to cancer when I was 14 and she was just 36. It still hurts and I think about her everyday. You have touched my heart. I am sending you all of the love and the light that I have to offer.

  26. jaime Harris

    Maya, I’ve been praying for you so much, I feel your pain come through your words and I am so sad with you. I think your doing amazing! I hope your time with the twins this summer helps you to continue to heal. Best wishes to you and the family always, in my thoughts and prayers, always!!!

  27. Nancy Weber

    God bless you Maya, Woody and your three beautiful boys. You are doing amazingly well. Sending love and prayers.
    Nancy

  28. Kristin

    Maya, days will vary with how you are able to deal with them, some days will be harder than others, but I pray for you every day that you are able to smile a little more on each one.

  29. Traci

    That is the sweetest picture of your boys. It’s like you can feel the fun they’re having just by looking at it! I can not even imagine the pain and anguish you are living in, but from one mama to another, I will pray for you and your family for the rest of my life. Ronan was a beautiful boy with the most amazing eyes I’ve ever seen. He certainly is the brightest star.

  30. Erin

    I recently found your page. I read Ronan’s entire story. My heart aches for you and your family. I have a dear friend, who’s daughter is in NYC right this very moment, fighting the same stage 4 Neuroblastoma – your story is so similar to theirs. It’s daunting. I hate that cancer took so much away from you. He is a gorgeous little boy. Sending you prayers.

  31. Jen Searle

    Maya, I hold your family deep in my heart, and in prayers and thoughts. You are an inspirational woman, and Ro is the brightest star in the entire heavens.

  32. Angela Williams

    Maya~
    One step at a time. You can do this! You are one tough cookie. Just give your boys hugs and kisses. Make sure to laugh. I truly hope your pain will ease some. Take it easy and enjoy your beautiful family.
    Love always

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