Ronan. Not crying. Not crying. Not crying. Who am I kidding. #cryingallday. Everything hurts. Nothing gets easier. I don’t miss you less. Who is the jackass that made up that “wise saying?” That pain becomes less as time goes on. Obviously someone who never lost a child. I met a friend this morning for coffee. She lost her daughter to cancer. Her baby, was 21 when she was diagnosed. Twenty freaking one. And it was to childhood cancer. If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, nothing will. It scares the shit out of me and I know what it’s like to lose you to cancer. It scares the shit out of me, for Liam, Quinn, and now this Poppy baby. Cancer can strike at any time and the fact that options for all these kids is so limited, is beyond bullshit. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. But I think about my friends daughter, and the fact that at her age, she knew what was happening. That destroys me. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. And now has to stay here and is expected to go on with this so called life. It’s all so unfair. We talked about how painful this is, how time does not make things better, but how we both know we will see our babies again, someday. But how not physically having them here, is so very difficult. We both ache for our children so badly that it makes every single bone in our bodies throb with pain. Especially during the holidays. Everything seems heightened to the max.
After I left my friend, I ran to the store. I was on a mission to grab some things for our very empty refrigerator. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Homemade crust. Homemade whipped cream. An apple pie first. I had my iTunes on. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. I like to listen to her when I bake. I had just put the apple pie in the oven when your song, “Ronan,” came on. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. Not because I don’t love it. Because I do. So much. I still think it is the most beautiful song that I have ever heard. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. I end up with a black mascara filled face and usually huddled up on the floor somewhere. I had my hand on my keyboard to skip it, but I told myself that today, I would listen to it. I let it continue to play. I let the tears come, too. Every single lyric, makes me lose it. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. The song finished. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. I let myself get lost in my baking. They turned out beautifully. I hope they taste as good as they look. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. She wanted me to wait for her, to do our pies.
I wonder if my sleep will ever be the same again. I fall asleep easily much of the time, only to wake up like clock work around the time you passed away. Your daddy knows I’ve been having the worst time sleeping. He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, “Because I don’t know where my child is.” That is how I feel. Like you are missing and not actually dead. Missing but I’ll never be able to find you. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that don’t make sense.
Macy is here now. Tomorrow is here, too. I will do my best to get through the day. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. I am thankful for the friends that are like family who will help us get through the day. I would give anything to be with you, through. I will take this Macegiving to count the things that I am thankful for, on one hand. That is about the best I can do. I think that is pretty good, considering our circumstances. Last year I probably would have said I was thankful for nothing. This year, I know the things in my life that I will be thankful for and my list won’t include stupid black friday. My list will include the things that are truly important such as the health of your brothers, this Poppy baby, your daddy, our loved ones and for all the people who have been touched by your story and who are helping keep you alive in a way. As always, I am thankful for you and that I am your mama. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. I would like to rip it’s face off with my bare hands. I’m working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. Nothing will. I don’t even want fucking justice. I just want you back. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. I am so tired of this life without you.
This is all for now. It’s 4 a.m. I’m not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. I am going to try to get a little more rest before I have to take on this day. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby boy.
P.S. Dear lovely little blog readers. I love you. I hope you have a great day today filled with all of the simple things that matter. Thank you for not being thankful for any of the shallow things in life, but for the things that truly matter. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. I am truly thankful for all of you. I love you. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. I was so happy. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. I love you, Liz. I love you, Ronan. I am forever so very sorry I couldn’t fix you.